Ov e r c o m i n g O b s t a c l e s Helping young children to conquer their fears:
1. Never tease a child about her fears. 2. Provide unconditional support, no mat-
ter how many times your child comes to you and is afraid. 3. Be reassuring while you model how your child can soothe herself. 4. Redirect her attention away from the fear and onto happier thoughts. 5. Offer a special object that he can keep with him when he’s not with you. Tips and examples: Never tease a child about her fears. Children are
unique and so are their fears. One child may be more fearful than her siblings—or afraid of entirely different things. My own children are twins. When they were very young, my son was afraid of the dark and needed a night light of some sort to go to sleep, while my daughter used a sleep mask to make it darker. But when it comes to heights, the situation reverses: she is terribly afraid of heights (like her Daddy, truth be told), but my son actually enjoys them. No child feels soothed by being teased about a fear, or by being compared to a sibling or friend who may not have that same fear. When it comes to helping children conquer their fears, we want to lift them up, not push them further down. Provide unconditional support.
People—including children— need support and encouragement to face and overcome their fears. No matter how many times your child comes to you with his fears, let him know that you understand that he’s afraid, but that you are there to help him face it and that he can learn how to soothe his fears even when you’re not there. Reassure her as you model how your child can soothe herself when she feels afraid. For ex-
ample,
“It can seem scary when new people visit us. But Aunt Emily is my sister and she bcmag.ph
already loves you.” “I know you feel afraid, but I also know you can do this.” “I know the first day of {activity} is a little scary, but do you realize you’ve already had 15 first days of school, camp, and other activities?” Redirect the child’s focus away from fearful thoughts and onto positive ones. For example,
listening to children’s music (Laurie Berkner, Dan Zanes) or a special story can be very soothing and provide a new focus so that the child can forget focusing on his fear.
“No matter how many times your child comes to you with his fears, let him know that you understand that he’s afraid, but that you are there to help him face it and that he can learn how to soothe his fears even when you’re not there.”
Offer a special object that helps your child feel connected when he’s not with you. It could be
a stuffed animal, favorite blanket, a love note or an action figure, even stones or shells that you picked up on a special trip. Anything small that gives your child a connection to you or to home can help them feel better. Certain fears may seem irrational or even silly when someone is afraid of something that doesn’t frighten you. But for
children, this big world is already a little scary and when they have bumped into something that really frightens them, we can help them by being supportive, encouraging and positive so they can learn to think that way on their own. bc
ABOUT Jeremy G. Schneider, MFT Jeremy G. Schneider, MFT is a syndicated columnist and therapist specializing in parenting and relationships, involved fatherhood, building strong modern families and overcoming depression. Jeremy lives in New York with his wife and twin son and daughter. http://jgs.net and @JGS_Author { JUNE 2012 } b c PHILIPPINES
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