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Shipwrecked @ Bondi Beach NYE 2009 was listed in BEST LOCAL EVENTS by

1st Release Tickets: $300 - Entry / Unlimited Premium Beer / Wine/ Canape Package or $350 - Entry/ Unlimited Premium Beer/Wine/Canape & 5 Spirits Package Fireworks @ 9pm & 12am • Outdoor Terrace • Views of Sydney Harbour & The Opera House


NYE @ The MCA The Museum of Contemporary Art

RALPH LAWSON (2020 Vision, UK)

JAMES CURD (Chicago)

ACID MONDAYS (2020 Vision, UK)

For more info & tickets go to Moshtix, call 0450 045 516 or visit


New Years Morning 3.30am - SUNRISE - 8.30am Pickup outside The MCA from 3am aboard the ‘Lady Rose’



3 levels of music : Tech House, Chicago House & Live Performance

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- 20 See that headline? That’s the sound of silence, Lady Gaga’s latest masterpiece. She’s gone silent for charity - but it isn’t having much of an effect.




COURTENEY COX - 30 “I had a cougar over at my house

UFC 124 - 74 Fueled by weeks of trash talk Georges St. Pierre will be tremendously motivated when he defends his title on December 12.

UK News World News Irish News Gossip Soaps The Wrap Reviews Interviews Sydney Melbourne Perth Recruitment Classifieds Hostel Listings Crystal Balls Ask Crystal & Jokes Sport

on Sunday. I didn’t ask her if she watched the show, but she was definitely a fully-fledged cougar. She’s amazing”

“I saw the film on an IMAX screen, but with the Blu-Ray, you can concentrate on the story instead of trying to catch everything on the bloody big screen.”


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EDITOR Ben Harlum

SPORTS EDITOR Richard Gadsby

UK EDITOR Hannah Shakir




CONTRIBUTORS David Mahoney, Deborah Jackson, Maddie Daniels, Alex Berwick, Hannah Beesley, Vanessa Higgins, Lorna Evio, Fernando Xavier, Bethan Hacking, Alexandra McIntyre, Jeremy Williams INTERNS Marissa van Doorn, Jennifer Reilly, Zuleika Lopez Guilleux, Stefan Zimmermann



WEB DEVELOPERS Jess Comber, Luke Webber








PO Box 784 Queen Victoria Building NSW 1230

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UK NEWS CHUCKLE LOVERS He’s collected the Rotherham duo’s autographs more than 500 times and will no doubt be on the front row for their hilariously-named 2011 tour Barry Potty And His Half Blood Brother Paul In The Ghostly Shadows. Will it be as good as Doctor What and The Return of the Garlics or Pirates of the River Rother? Only time will tell.

HAVING successfully built a 25-year career on the phrase “to me, to you; to me, to you” and growing paedophile moustaches, it seems nothing will stop the frankly baffling success of the Chuckle Brothers. Before Jedward came along, Paul and Barry Elliott were Britain’s premier pair of talentless siblings who you could never work out why they were still on telly. Clearly, they have loyal fans somewhere – and in the case of 29-year-old dad of two Shaun Hope, they have a hopelessly deranged super fan. Hope has turned his spare bedroom into a weird Chuckle Brothers shrine with his souvenir haul including DVDs, posters, mugs, pens, keyrings and baseball caps.

“They are the world’s funniest performers - and the nicest guys you could hope to meet,” said Hope, possibly while drooling and twitching. Just to go off the subject for a second, BBM has always wondered what the Chuckle Brothers would say if they had a spit roast? If there are any ladies out there who can confirm our long-held suspicions please get in touch.



The dynamic duo are sexual surrogates, which means they shag people who are in relationships but having trouble in the bedroom. They even get paid for it. In fairness, BBM’S long-term relationship is pretty similar – we get to have sex with other people too. The only differemce is, BBM’s girlfriend doesn’t know about it. Other than that it’s the same. “We are proud of the way we earn a living and never feel bad about sleeping with other people’s husbands, wives, or long-term partners,” said Sarah, who lives and works between her home in Hammersmith, west London, and Los Angeles.


How can he park on a main road for so long and not get a ticket? These Hollywood chumps think we’ll swallow anything.

The 36-year-old was praised by cops after risking her own life to climb up railings and grab the woman until emergency services arrived.

IT’S an odd partnership between Britain’s Sarah Moore and her American boyfriend Geoff Daniels.

And just in case you’re wondering, Sarah has taken special precautions to make sure none of her clients develop feelings for her. She looks like a fucking hound.

YOU know when you’re watching Batman and he pulls up in the Batmobile outside a huge bank, spends half an hour inside dishing out justice to scores of heavily-armed bank robbers, then hops back into his car and drives off, job done. We know what you’re thinking, it’s pretty unrealistic right?

Well hero mum Cathryn James got a dose of reality this week after saving a suicidal woman from jumping off a bridge - then got a parking ticket because she was late getting back to her car.


A 69-YEAR-OLD Bristol gran, who DJs as Mamy Rock, is taking the world dance scene by storm after performing in New York this week.

When Cathryn got back to her car, 22 minutes late, she found she had been given a £60 fine. Fair enough, the ticket inspector didn’t know about the drama that had unfolded – so she wrote to the parking

company asking to be let off, including a copy of the official letter from police commending her bravery. The company wrote back saying her reason was “insufficient” and she’d be threatened with court action if she failed to pay. Nice.

Ruth Flowers, who also performed at the Cannes Film Festival in front of Mariah Carey and Lenny Kravitz, made her stateside debut in November at an electro festival south of Los Angeles. It’s believed the success of the gig led to the wrinkle-faced, saggy-titted pensioner being booked for New York – although it’s also possible organisers mistook her for Madonna.



Tone is Sydney’s newest performance space, bar and restaurant located in one of the oldest warehouses in Surry Hills. Designed to cater for discerning music lovers, artists and drinkers, Tone has been restored to its original 1920s aesthetic with a contemporary twist through street art laden walls, state of the art lighting design and a truly world class P.A. system. Our mission is simple – to provide a rich music experience in a quality environment with great food and drinks at reasonable prices. We love music. We love food. We love a good drink. Beer prices start at $4.50 and food starts at only $7 with a great selection of small plates, share plates, pizzas, burgers and seafood. Great platters are also available for functions.

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UK NEWS ONLY FOOLS WILL BORE US AT THIS time of year, it’s only natural for us British ex-pats to feel a little bit homesick. Christmas, after all, is a time to be with family and friends; keeping each other warm on those cold winter nights by wearing granny’s knitted cardigan, eating mum’s homemade mince pies and then popping on your woolly gloves to go and torch the local sex offender’s house. It’s all very Dickensian.

OH DEER HAMLEYS EVER taken your niece or nephew to Hamleys Toy Shop and watched their eyes glaze over in wonder at the hundreds of magical Willy-Wonka style selection of toys and dazzling displays on offer? Well you’re worse than Hitler. The owners of England’s most famous toy store have come under fire from animal right’s campaigners after they revealed plans to bring live penguins and reindeer into the building as a Christmas stunt.

as: “Have you ever dreamt of meeting Rudolph? Well now’s your chance to meet some of his friends!”

But remember this - at least being in Australia means you won’t have to watch that fucking Only Fools and Horses episode where Del Boy and Rodney dress up as Batman and Robin for the eight millionth time as it’s just been voted as Britain’s most memorable TV moment.

It sparked hundreds of email complaints and the obligatory Facebook campaign. Naturally, Hamley’s removed the adverts immediately.

The ads said: “Take a trip to Hamleys after school on Monday to visit our real life Penguin Pool!

“The totally inappropriate message that penguins and reindeer are little more than ‘living toys’ is another,” said one protestor. “It’s disgusting. It teaches children that animals are worthless and putting some through this misery for a laugh is acceptable.”

And their reindeer event was billed

Merry Christmas kids!

Other moments to make the top of the poll, which was presumably voted by mums up and down the country, included scenes from Wallace And Gromit, The Snowman, The Vicar of Dibley and The Queen talking about her horrible anus.

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Most savvy travellers think they know what to expect on the Gold Coast; brilliant beaches, super Surfers Paradise nightlife, theme parks galore and the best looking talent in the country. But only a plucky few explorers uncover more than the travel guides are willing to admit. How’d they miss 100,000 hectares of world heritage rainforest, 500 kilometres of canals, the year round water sports or the sacred indigenous landmarks? Perhaps they just weren’t up for the challenge. Choose YOUR OWN adventure in Australia’s playground.



ITCH A KNOCKOUT A BULL knocked out the power in three villages in Devon after constantly scratching itself against an electricity pylon. Hundreds of mystified folk in the villages of Croyde, Saunton and Georgeham were left literally in the dark. It’s possible the bull’s itch was a form of crabs contracted off the many yokel Devon farmers who almost certainly use the animal for their own twisted inbred sexual lustings.

RICHARD’S DAWKY IDEA WANT to do your bit for the advancement of mankind as a logical and science-based race? Then make a load of knob jokes about the Pope. That’s the word from the messiah of atheists, Richard Dawkins, who has urged people to bombard the Catholic Church with Pope jokes following the news that Scottish referee Hugh Dallas is under investigation by the Scotch Football Association for forwarding a joke about the Pope. And no we’re not making this up. Dawkins wrote on his website: “Hugh Dallas has been sacked because he passed on a joke about the Pope. “My suggestion is that we should do our best to make this joke go viral … but there are probably funnier jokes along the same lines, and I would encourage you to send as many as you can find.”

OUT OF THIS WORLD SURVEY WHEN 2,000 adults get polled on aliens you would expect only a few to say they are real but 44 per cent believe there is other life out there – mostly men. Just take a second and wonder if aliens are out there doing the same kind of poll. It just comes down to the question of is ET a fiction film or a documentary. For those 44 per cent of you that think they are out there go and join NASA and find out, maybe then Pluto will be considered a planet again.


ATTENTION-SEEKING charity man Stuart Kettell is at it again after building a giant hamster wheel and promising to run ‘seven’ marathons in as many days on the contraption. Kettell, 46, made headlines earlier this year for spending a week in a Perspex box suspended from a crane and, in 2008, he cycled from Land’s End to John O’Groats on a penny farthing. Now the ego-driven fundraiser plans to run 305km (190 miles) in seven days. “I have done marathons before and never wanted to run another one the next day, so this is going to be tough, especially as I’ll be running on an incline in the wheel,” said the idiot.

SPELL OF TROUBLE PICTURE it now. Your son comes home with a bad grade for spelling and you feel you’re about to hit the roof. Then you get an email from his teacher and realise where your son may have been misled. A form tutor of Gleed Girls’ Technology College in Spalding, Linconshire sent an email to a parent with 14 spelling and grammar errors. What makes it worse is that this was sent after an Education Secretary had told teachers to clamp down on poor spelling and grammar. The amusingly named Marie Clair, spokeswomen for the Plain English Campaign, said: “I think this teacher should go back to school themselves.” Well Marie on this occasion we have to agree with you. In a world of mobile phones and text language, children need more help. All we can say is, how embbrrassing.


WORLD NEWS SIGN OF UNHAPPINESS NOW this is a cause we can get behind! After years of people disobeying their reasonable commands, not to mention the harassment and bullying faced through repeated thrashing of their button, a crossing sign in Washington has grown sick and tired of being neglected.

The message? “Walk. Don’t Walk. I don’t care, go get fucked.” Inspiring words if we’ve ever heard them. City officials say it is an unintentional glitch and that they believe the sign has snow wedged in it. We say it’s sticking it to the man - and it has BBM’s full support. We only champion the most important world causes, as you can clearly tell.

HEADLINE OF THE WEEK: “IN bra, panties and wheelchair, woman goes through Oklahoma City airport screening this morning”

AND in the obvious story of the week, apparently Vladimir Putin knew of the poisoning plot of a former KGB agent in London, to the shock and surprise of absolutely nobody.

THE chief meteorologist for an American television station has been arrested and charged with false reporting. I’ll be damned, a weatherman giving false information?

MECH ATTACK STOP the presses! Alert the authorities! Get the missiles ready! Those pesky terrorists are back on the streets of America in the form of - a toy robot?! The killer robot was placed at the base of a pillar supporting a footbridge in Denver, Colorado. A concerned resident called police to report the suspiciously quiet hunting robot.

Police closed streets and nobody was allowed within about 100 yards of the robot. The bomb squad robot (don’t worry, he’s on our side) was sent before a bomb squad officer, dressed in heavy protective gear, took a turn to examine the tiny terrorist. They couldn’t be sure if the robot was safe or not, so they remotely detonated it - and we avoided a war in the process.


THE coffin in which John Kennedy’s killer, Lee Harvey Oswald, was buried is to go under the hammer for the first time - so you only have one shot at getting it!

A British woman went into labour last week in the middle of a traffic jam. Don’t worry, the blocked road was promptly cleared... if you know what we mean.

A controversial mosque in America approved, which is surprising since it’s only 2,800 miles from Ground Zero. Oh no, the terrorists have won!

UNLESS you’ve got a fair bit of money, or enjoy sleeping with the right people, obtaining front row tickets to a fight can be an impossible process. So who could blame the teacher at a school in Florida for sitting back and enjoying a classroom fight between two students? Well, it seems the parents of the fighting students have blamed the teacher. The school insist the teacher followed procedure and that he was not properly trained to break up such altercations. If he had the correct training, the teacher would’ve revealed a referee’s shirt and started to adjudicate the fight, awarding points for correct technique. Don’t worry about the children though, they’ve been hired by the North American Boxing Federation to help promote the sport around the world with a series of fights. Let’s get ready to rumble!



WORLD NEWS NZ’S BREAST TOP MODEL IN a win for pedophiles worldwide, the New Zealand Broadcasting Standards Authority has deemed a 16year-old’s breasts suitable for prime time television. Of course this is New Zealand we’re talking about, where each channel’s mascot is a naked sheep. But we digress. The breasts in question were those of a 16-year-old contestant on New Zealand’s Next Top Model. For purely journalistic purposes, we have included one of the model’s photos for you to decide. We think the real crime here is the

poorly-photoshopped steam but a viewer was “disgusted and disappointed to see a 16-year-old girl being exploited” on the program. The BSA disagreed, stating that “No attention was drawn to her breasts; the transition between shots was relatively swift, and the camera tended to focus on the girl’s face.” BBM would be foolish not to point out the irony in the complaint putting more attention on the model’s breasts than the photoshoot. Well done, anonymous viewer!

WHO YOU GONNA CALL? WE can’t believe it, they’ve stolen our idea! The swines. Two University of Colorado graduates are marketing a new business named Hangover Helpers. Sounds pretty straightforward, doesn’t it? They’ll bring in breakfast and energy drinks to your university room the morning after a party — and clean up the mess.

One of the two started cleaning party houses about a year ago for extra cash and realised he’d found a niche, despite the bad economy. They charge $15 per roommate. BBM is seriously considering hiring the two (pictured) for our Christmas party. Don’t shake your head at us, you don’t know what goes on at our Christmas parties.

A LANDING STRIP AN “emotionally disturbed” passenger who stripped naked on a flight from Chicago to New York will not be charged by police. Instead, they have been offered a promising position with the BBM team - if you know what we mean. The woman stripped naked during the flight, with flight attendants trying in vain to cover her with a blanket while she yelled “No!” And if there’s one thing we’ve learnt in our years of sexual harrassment training, no means no. She was restrained on the plane and taken into custody after the plane had landed and all passengers had departed.

CHEAPER THAN A LOCKSMITH... IT seems like a perfectly logical solution if you’ve locked yourself out of your house. Do you break a window to get in? Ask a family member for the spare key? No way! Light the house on fire and ask the firemen to let you back in. The firefighters said they arrived at the scene and were told by Lorean Simmons that she had started the fire. She indicated that she ignited the awning so the fire bureau would respond and open her door, but then called 911 after the fire started because she did not want the whole house to burn. She could’ve at least tried to burn just the door down, but hindsight is 50/50. Simmons is currently being examined by the behavioral clinic at the Allegheny County Jail.

CHASTINA French was caught using her mother’s handicapped parking card so her friend could park her Mustang in a disabled parking space at the Dayton Mall in America. French, who does not own a card, said she broke her ankle a few years ago in several places, and she has difficulty walking long distances. She said she only used her mother’s disabled card because she does not have the money to get one herself. The cards are free to obtain if you’re disabled.

A Queensland man is flush with embarrassment after being tasered during his attempt at cracking open some pokie machines over the weekend. Three jokers, armed with heavy tools, broke into the the Highfields Tavern in Toowoomba, they opened six poker machines with a sledge hammer and jack, removing cash boxes from each machine. When police arrived, an ace dog chased after and bit one offender who was then tasered. He was arrested and charged with breaking and entering, possessing implements of breaking, and obstructing police. His family must be heartbroken.

A spokeswoman said there was no interference with the flight, well, unless you count the mysterious ‘quiet turbulence’ that delayed the flight for a couple of hours while the pilot reviewed security footage of the passengers.







IRISH NEWS BAT’S AMORE! THE best way to get a lady’s love juices flowing is by striking up a conversation about fruit bats performing oral sex on each other. Guaranteed you’ll be doing the no-pants dance inside an hour. Everyone knows that. Sadly, this often underused method of working your way into a woman’s undergarments has landed a University College Cork science lecturer in hot water as he’s now the subject of a sexual harassment inquiry.

A WORD of advice to anyone thinking of buying a car. If the seller agrees on a price of 85 euros and a dozen oysters, there might be something wrong with it. Like the brakes for example. Sadly, a 16-year-old from Galway learned this lesson the rather harsh way after buying the car, having three pints of

A MESSAGE of cheer from Irish Children’s Minister Barry Andrews to all those families struggling to make ends meet and living in borderline poverty: “Cheer up - at least it’s not Armageddon.” We maybe paraphrasing slightly, but this presumably that means that optimistic Barry believes we’re one step up from Armageddon. “Let’s not forget we weren’t a poor country four or five years ago,” he said.

Dr Rossana Salerno Kennedy said she felt “distressed and upset” when colleague Dr Dylan Evans showed her a paper entitled ‘Fellatio by Fruit Bats Prolongs Copulation Time’. She also complained it was not the first time he had raised sexual subjects with her. Brilliantly, Dr Evans’ defence is that he basically does this sort of thing all the time and it’s no big deal. Good luck with that one fella.

beer and then taking his new wheels for a spin. Surprise, surprise the shellfish-priced Citroen Xsara turbo diesel wasn’t too sharp on the whole stopping aspect of driving and the teenager crashed into a ditch while doing 50mph – killing his best mate in the passenger seat.

“If this gives us the confidence to know that where we’re going isn’t Armageddon, but is something that we lived with before, and if we have the humility to remember that we’ve come from situations like this before, I think it will give people confidence that this Government has an idea of the path to recovery for the country.”

THE new-look Lansdowne Road appears to be Ireland’s answer to the Millennium Dome with rugby chiefs already slashing ticket prices after failing to sell out for the games against South Africa and New Zealand. “It’s obvious that we’d gotten it wrong,” said an IRFU spokesperson on the decision to charge residents of one of the world’s hardest hit economies. “We fully understood that we had to change our prices to reflect the market and we had to reflect that.”

IF BBM learned anything from being forced to watch Moulin Rouge by our ex-girlfriend, it’s that diamonds are a girl’s best friend and never fall in love with a whore. Just fuck ‘em and leave. Ronan Cheating clearly picked up the same messages after deciding to stop putting his knob in women he’s not married to and giving his wife a big new sparkly wedding ring.

WITH Ireland currently gripped in the icy claws of winter’s big freeze, you’d be wrong to think it’s just the impoverished poor struggling to pay the heating bills. Things have gotten so bad for the family of the late Irish PM Charles Haughey, they’ve been forced to sell his luxury yacht. The things people have been reduced to, to scrape together a measly 175,000 eh? How are they going to get to their private island island, Inishvickillane, off the Kerry coast, now? Surely we can all club together and buy them a speedboat or something?

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GOSSIP KATE & WILL: DOGGY STYLE BBM is surprised at how much love and attention the Royals get these days. Despite a bald patch that’s growing by the day, Kate Middleton is apparently quite keen to marry Prince William. And while the Royals are looking to the public to fill empty wedding seats, there’s still a bunch of celebrities who want a piece of the pie. Snoop Dogg (pictured), a man known for his manners and common decency, has apparently written a song called Wet for William’s bachelor party. Snoop took to Twitter to inform Prince Charles of the song, tweeting “Made tha

anthem 4 Prince Williams bachelor party n all bachelor parties round tha wrld.” We’re sure Charles is so proud, although the thought of him using Twitter is quite terrifying. In a more predictable announcement, Elton John told Radio 2 that “I probably am” performing at the royal wedding, before adding, “I’ll probably be busking outside.” While we are more than happy to bait old Elton (just turn the page for more), he does have some common sense, stating “I think we’ve had enough of [Royal Wedding news] for the time being.”

THE PRICE YOU PAY MAYBE it was too early for us to feature Jordan on the cover last issue - this week’s edition of the ‘Weekly Jordan Hijinks’ is even better than Jordan Idol. Katie was caught by a police speed camera as she sped along a West Sussex road, and as a result has been banned from driving with 13 points on her license following other driving convictions.

But her lawyer, Robin Sellers, told the court she was being harassed by photographers, forcing her to speed up in order to break free. A typical excuse if we’ve ever heard one. But Deputy District Judge Ken Goldspring was having none of it simply saying: ‘It goes with the territory.’ A judge ignoring the fact she’s a celebrity? Colour us shocked!

A VIEW TOO MANY SUSAN Boyle, the hairy angel as she’s known by her fellow countrymen and women, has made a cockup of her appearance on The View - stopping mid-song and insisting the backing track be stopped. After her voice cracked, she then stopped suddenly, made a face, grabbed her stomach and motioned with her hand to stop the backing music, asking if she could try again.

Just one problem - it was live. Serial pest Sherri Shepherd tried to save things, barging in to claim that “There’s something of an angel that comes out when you open your mouth.” That’s right, Sherri, the frog escaping her throat. We can’t wait to see how SuBo handles this latest drama in her new musical - turn the page for more details on that one.

OLD SPICE IT’S not embarrassing to admit that BBM was just a bit upset that the Spice Girls skipped Australia in their reunion tour back in 2008, right? Surely not. Unfortunately, this was made worse when we were stuck with Mel B, everyone’s least favourite Spice Girl, a couple of weeks ago. Bollocks.


30 Seconds to Mars released a 13-minute video for their song Hurricane to MTV this week only to be informed that the video would not be suitable for airing. Apparently, it’s not just Jared Leto’s nakedness causing problems. The video contains everything from a gimp mask to nipple tassels - which sounds suspiciously like the shopping list for BBM’s Christmas Party next week The band are currently in negotiations to tone it down for prime-time. We’re sure emos worldwide will be blowing a load over the leaked version soon.

MICHAEL Buble has announced that he will indeed marry Luisana Lopilato next April. The jazz crooner proposed to the actress during a visit to her home country of Argentina in 2009, breaking the hearts of many middle aged women across the country. The singer told the Today Show, that he will marry Lopilato on April 6th 2011, and jokingly added “I was going to do it on the 29th, but I figured I wouldn’t get any press”, referring to the upcoming royal nuptials, we’ve all grown sick of hearing about, between Prince William and Kate Middleton. The star is yet to divulge any other details on the wedding, including whether they’ll pick Buble’s native Canada or Lopilato’s Argentina to say their “I do’s”.

Now, good old Ginger wants to steal the spotlight away from Mel B and her realityshow with a new album, and she’s been texting all of her friends - including Victoria and David Beckham - asking for their favourite tracks for her to record. Stop beating around the bush girls, just get back together before you’re performing in wheelchairs! BBM-585 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM


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GOSSIP GONE WITHOUT A TWEET BBM’S favourite weirdo, Lady Gaga (pictured), has vowed to stay away from social networking until the Keep A Child Alive charity reaches $1 million in donations. As a result of this news, BBM’s gossip columnists went into a frenzy trying to imagine a world without Gaga’s crazy quotes. They clearly have a very short memory span. Leigh Blake, president of Keep a Child Alive, said: “Why do we care so much about the death of one celebrity as opposed to millions and millions of people dying in the place that we’re all from?”

It didn’t help that she made that statement on the day that Leslie Neilsen died. Alicia Keys, who organised the stunt, claims that not one celebrity turned her request down. Of course you’re going to agree when faced with a mountain of bad press for refusing to give up twitter. Jeez! The celebrities have filmed ‘last tweet and testament’ videos and will appear in ads showing them lying in coffins for the Digital Life Sacrifice initiative. Tasteful.

A LIVELY SHOPPING TRIP PROFESSIONAL mumbler, Blake Lively, hasn’t taken BBM’s advice to spend some money so we can understand what she’s saying in Gossip Girl and the upcoming Green Lantern film, instead splurging on 40 pairs of shoes from French designer Christian Louboutin. The trouble is, we can understand what

Journalists and plastic surgeons claim that the the Sheik of Tweak has tweaked his teeth, tan, hair and weight for his new talk show, Warnie. Plastic surgeon Howard Torres told the Sunday Mail that “He’s not a masterpiece but he’s got a

Blake is up for the lead role in Baz Luhrman’s adaptation of The Great Gatsby or as she’ll pronounce it, Tea GweaGaszbia. Baz, ditch the mumbler and pick somebody else from your shortlist. We beg you!

nice face. His teeth are too shiny - they’re overdone. You put some black bits in there and he’d look like a piano.” Tell us how you really feel next time! Based on our years of plastic surgery experience, BBM thinks Shane has simply raided his mum’s medicine cabinet for extrastrength diuretics and bleach for his teeth and hair. It’s part of our daily routine, just don’t get caught!

ELTON’S LOOKING BACK IN ANGER OH Elton, why are you still living in the 90’s? There’s a new royal princess for you to befriend and you can write your songs on these fancy things called computers. You’d have a lot of fun here in 2010! You see, Elton has told Absolute Radio that Noel and Liam were “stupid sods” for failing to crack the American music scene. He said that the boys “were enormous in Britain...


Watch as SuBo recreates her X-Factor audition! The finale! The duet with Elaine Page! It’s like you’re at home watching the real thing on YouTube... except you paid a ridiculous amount of money to see the reenactment. Predictably, Susan will be playing herself in the lead role. The only thing that could save this embarrassment would be Helen Mirren playing Pebbles the cat.

Louboutin is saying easier than you, Blake - and he’s speaking French!

PLASTIC FANTASTIC SHANE Warne (pictured) has become the talk of the town these days, surprisingly not for cricket or obscene texts but for his alleged plastic surgery.

THE Susan Boyle empire is really kicking things into gear, rivalling Justin Bieber’s embarrassing assortment of merchandise with her brand new idea - Susan Boyle: The Musical.

and they went over there and argued between themselves and cancelled the tour and they never broke America.” BBM thinks Elton might be a bit resentful over Oasis’ success, since his Made in England & The Big Picture albums didn’t reach the heights in the U.S. that Oasis’ Morning Glory? & Be Here Now did in 1993 and 1997 respectively.

THERE’S a reason why we hesitate before slagging Lily Allen off inside these very pages. After a false engagement report by The Daily Mail, Lily took to Twitter to attack the journalist involved. “Katie Nicholl I think you’re a c**t, leave me out of your shitty column, you know nothing about the intimate details of my life.”

WE always knew Bob Geldof had some taste. He’s recently come out and admitted that he hates both charity songs he created back in the 80’s. “I am responsible for two of the worst songs in history. One is Do They Know It’s Christmas? and the other one is We Are The World. “I will go to the supermarket, head to the meat counter and it will be playing. Every fucking Christmas,” he complained while rolling in royalty money.


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Room with views and an amazing rooftop deck right on Bondi Beach. BBQ, sun bake, surf or just relax! Where Campbell Parade, Bondi Beach. Cost Double or Twin from $150 pp/pw (Single rooms from $240 pw). Negotiable for 6 month leases.


This superb guesthouse has generous sized bedrooms all with ensuite bathrooms, TV, fridges and more. Building has new kitchen with top of the range applicants and BBQ for alfresco dining. Where South Dowling Street, Surry Hills. Cost Double or Twin from $150 pp/pw (Single rooms from $280 pw). Negotiable for 6 month leases.

What Our two/three bedroom range includes functional flats What which include all the required furniture and amenities All the flats are furnished to a high standard including to ensure you have a great stay. dining tables and superior lounge room fit outs. Where Sydney CBD, Inner West, Eastern Sydney, Bondi Where Sydney CBD, Inner West, Eastern Suburbs, Sydney, Where Junction, Bondi and Coogee Beach. Bondi Junction, Bondi and Coogee Beach. Cost Cost From $160 pp/pw (4-6 share). Cost Double or Twin from $170 pp/pw Negotiable for 6 month leases. (Single Studios from $320 pw). Negotiable for 6 month leases. What

CENTRAL RAILWAY APARTMENTS Central Railway Apartments centrally located in Chalmers Street 600m from Central Railway Station.

Executive apartments within walking distance of Sydney’s CBD. Apartments feature top of the range Italian furnishings, street frontage over looking parks and a panoramic view of the city. Sydney CBD. One bed from $250 pp/pw. Two & Three bed from $200 pp/pw (4-6 share) Negotiable for 6 month leases.

$99 Per Night (SLEEPS UP TO 4 PEOPLE)

1 WEEK $560 P/W 2 WEEKS $500 P/W 3 WEEKS $450 P/W 4 WEEKS $420 P/W 1 MONTH + $375 P/W

A ROOM OR FLAT FOR EVERY BUDGET CALL NOW ON 02 8669 3678 to register for a property inspection go to WWW.FURNISHEDPROPERTY.COM.AU

SOAPS CORONATION ST. IT WOULD appear the cat is out of the bag this week for Leanne and Nick, when Ken goes to the joinery to find the pair in a full-on game of tonsil tennis, but will he keep the news from his son about his cheating fiancé? Molly also gets caught out this week when Tyrone finds a pack of contraceptive pills, and realises his wife had no intention of getting pregnant.

dinner, and tries to say that she would prefer to spend it with Tyrone and baby Jack. Meanwhile, following their argument, Tyrone heads to Sally and Kevin’s and talks about his marriage problems. Kevin sees it as the perfect opportunity to see Molly and convince her not to say anything about their affair and him being the baby’s father. Molly is adamant she is leaving Tyrone and that she can no longer live across the street from Kevin.

Molly panics when they receive an invite from Sally and Kevin to go over for Christmas


FOLLOWING their partners’ let downs Masood and Jane head to a hotel and start to get intimate with each other, however neither of their hearts are in it and when Masood sees 11 missed calls on his phone from Zainab, he tells Jane he can’t do it.

between herself and Masood, and with that Ian heads over to see him and ends up punching him.

Meanwhile Ian and Zainab are unaware of their partners infidelity and Zainab announces that she has won the bidding war for the Argee Bhajee.

Unaware of the whole situation Zainab invites Jane and Ian over for lunch with her and Masood and it’s all a bit tense, but will this be the latest turn in the Ahmed’s marriage to rock the boat?

Meanwhile when Syed finds a hotel key that Jane left behind he twigs that his father has been with Jane.

Later Jane decides to come clean with Ian about what happened

Elsewhere Ryan and Stacey embark on a passionate affair.

Sarah’s suspicions get the better of her and when Una lets slip that she has a date with Keith, Sarah sets up a spy in McCoys. Surprise, surprise, Una questions Sarah’s suitability for Keith. Suzanne calls over to Damien’s to discuss their future and “the old” Suzanne rears her head, as Damien discovers her web of lies.


Yvonne and Mark trade information.


HOLLYOAKS + THERE’S not a dry eye in the house this week as the funerals of Malachy and Steph take place. Mercedes is left heartbroken when Lindsay informs her she is not welcome at her husband’s funeral, so she makes her own plans to bid him farewell. However, she later hits the bottle and when Riley attempts to comfort her, he ends up making a move. Carl warns Mercedes off his son, but does he really want 22

her for himself? Meanwhile Jack asks Gilly to move out of their house after Tom sees Gilly being violent toward Bart, and so he turns to Rhys for somewhere to live. Gilly doesn’t adhere to Steph’s wishes of a glitzy funeral, and he and Tom deliver heartfelt speeches on the day. Lee in turn decides to throw a glitzy showbiz bash in tribute to Steph. A special flashback episode airs this week.


and says to Holly that if drugs are so good then he will take heroine with her, but will this Things take a turn for the worst be enough to snap Holly out of her habit? for her mother Moira when she is pulled over by the police Meanwhile Paddy tells Aaron having just picked up some that Rhona is expecting more heroin for Holly. When a baby, and when Rhona she’s charged with possession confronts her ex, Marlon, he of an illegal substance Moira frets that John will leave her for tells her that he wants nothing to do with her and the child. supplying their daughter with drugs. Elsewhere Jai and Nikhil suspect that Declan still has When Moira admits she’s been feelings for supplying Holly his estranged with drugs to wife Ella, Adam, John and Ella finds out and warns their walks out on daughter Moira. Mia to stay on Declan’s He later returns good side. with drugs ROZ twigs that Holly isn’t off the drugs when she visits her.




Ensure your time in Sydney is unforgettable with the great value Explore4 Pass which gives you entry to Sydney’s must-see attractions Sydney Aquarium, Sydney Wildlife World, Sydney Tower and Oceanworld Manly!! The Explore4 Pass, is the only ticket that lets you see koalas and kangaroos, plus one of the world’s largest crocodiles, walk underwater amongst sharks, visit a dugong, experience the best views of Sydney and if you’re lucky, meet a mermaid at Manly. Walk underwater and discover the world’s largest collection of all-Australian aquatic life. Come face to face with sharks in the Great Barrier Reef habitat; marvel at giant rays; find Nemo in his coral home; look out for secretive platypus and get to know two of only six dugongs on display anywhere in the world! Aquarium Pier Darling Harbour, Sydney. Open daily 9am - 8pm

Discover an all-Aussie animal experience set in the heart of Sydney’s Darling Harbour! Meet Rex, one of the world’s largest crocodiles; get up close to iconic kangaroos; have your photo with a koala; meet wombats, reptiles, butterflies, bilbies, quolls, even a cassowary - it’s one of the world’s largest animal encounters under one roof! Aquarium Pier Darling Harbour, Sydney. Open daily 9am - 5pm

Sydney’s iconic golden tower - standing 250 metres (820 feet) above the city streets, you can view breathtaking Sydney in all its glory, day or night! Experience OzTrek an amazing virtual reality ride across Australia; and step out onto Skywalk, Sydney’s highest adventure, for unique 360 degree views over glittering Sydney and beyond. Centrepoint Podium Level, 100 Market St, Sydney. Open daily 9am - 10:30pm

Dive into Oceanworld Manly with huge sharks, giant turtles, rays, tropical fish and more, with interactive shows every day including shark and fish feeds, and tunnel tours. First time divers can take the plunge with a Shark Dive Xtreme experience, and look out for kids holiday programs including Mermaid Camps and Kids Snorkel Adventures. West Esplanade, Manly, Sydney Open 10am to 5.30pm


THE Lemonheads have now sold out their shows at Sydney’s Metro Theatre and Melbourne’s Corner Hotel, with all other shows expecting to follow suit shortly. 30th November - The Zoo, Brisbane 3rd December - The Espy, Melbourne 5th December - Rosemount, Perth

AULD LANG SYNE FOUR of the biggest names in dance music will feature in Sydney’s most glamorous club set. Frankie Knuckles, Crazy Penis, Mobin Master & Mo’Funk December 31 2010 from 6pm The Loft & Bungalow8, King St. Wharf



MORE than just a music festival, Playground Weekender features Australia’s largest fancy dress party, beer & cider gardens, morning yoga, the infamous Club Tropicana pool party and an open-air cinema all nestled on the banks of the sparkling Hawkesbury River.

When: Thursday 17 – Sunday 20 February Where: Del Rio Riverside Resort Wisemans Ferry NSW

Lineup: Doves, Lamb, Tricky, Kool & the Gang, De La Soul, Kate Nash, You Am I, Midnight Juggernauts.

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FOR one night, the Loft and Bunglaow8 join together in welcoming 2011 alongside international DJ’s including Frankie Knuckles & Crazy Penis. BBM are giving away a double pass to the event every week leading to NYE!





































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COULD this be the best news you have ever heard? N.E.R.D’s Pharrell Williams has apparently teamed up with modern music god Damon Albarn to write new material for the next Gorillaz album. Apparently the two musical geniuses have been putting in some quality time in the studio and have already come up with one song. Albarn also mentioned how ‘2010’ he is by saying how he is also producing an album on his iPad that he wants to release before Christmas. One more for your lists to Santa then! iPad or album that is. We’ll take both, Mr. Claus

COMPETITIONS GET ready to set sail aboard a boat party like no other - be prepared to be pleasured both visually and aurally. Join the revolution - The Pukka Up Dirty Cops are set to run riot, you have been warned. BBM is giving away a crazy ten double passes to the December 18 event!




OUR friends at Paul Strange Presents and Space Ibiza are offering a double pass and a T-Shirt every week from now until the Space Ibiza Festival. Don’t miss out on your chance to see Andy C, Steve Lawler and Netsky live!

BBM has two double passes to give away to each Foals show - Byron Bay, Sydney and Melbourne. They blew our minds back in August, now they’re back to deliver some of the most dynamic shows this Summer!


NEW r ke c a p k c a B ares f l i a r y d Rea $ 54 > ADL MEL < > ALICE ADL < > DAR ADL < > PER SYD <

The most relaxed way to see the vast Australian Outback is by train.

$149 $199 $299


• Stretch your legs in your spacious recliner seat Alice Springs

• Chill out in the lounge* • Make friends, have a snack or dinner in the licensed cafe/bar • Freshen up with on-board shower facilities*






Visit or book with your licensed travel agent. Terms and conditions apply. All Backpacker ReadyRail fares are based on Red Service Day/Nighter Seat Service. For bookings made from 1 April 2010 for travel until 31 March 2011. All fares are as stated and only available online, also available in opposite direction. All fares include a fuel price surcharge. Prices are subject to change without notice, available for instant purchase. Non-refundable. *Shower and lounge facilities not available on The Overland, Melbourne <> Adelaide. An additional lounge access charge of $10 for 1-sector, $15 for 2-sector or $25 for 3-sector is required and payable onboard. Travel Agent License No.TTA164190. GSR16087/BBM/einstein

PHOTOS Eliza Doolittle Oxford Art Factory 30th November

get your TAX BACK




Average Refund:


Claim your UK and Irish tax from home SYDNEY – LEVEL 2, 600 GEORGE ST, NSW 2000 MELBOURNE, BRISBANE, CAIRNS, PERTH 26

* Terms and conditions apply

For more information sms “BBM” to 040 999 0535 BBM-585 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM




Leonardo DiCaprio Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Christopher Nolan

December 8

(The Dark Knight)

On DVD & Blu-Ray (M)

THERE’S two ways you can watch Inception - you can marvel at the storytelling, look for all the clues and try and work out which level of dream you’re currently watching. Or you can sit back and enjoy the incredible ride without worrying about the pesky details. Either way you watch it, Inception is a amazingly detailed film, but would you expect anything less from the mind behind The Prestige and Memento? It’s easy to put together a blockbuster based on some killer robots and spend all the money on CGI and ignore the script, but Nolan has crafted a smart, engaging


and elaborate movie that’ll be enjoyed by almost everyone (I better put that ‘almost’ in there to avoid hate mail). I originally saw the film on an IMAX screen, but the Blu-Ray makes for a much clear, visually impressive experience (you can concentrate on the story instead of trying to catch everything on the bloody big screen) - especially when it involves Gordon-Levitt’s weightless hotel fight. Inception is (hooray!) an original blockbuster that lives up to the hype and gets better on repeat viewings. And for the record (spoiler alert - I guess), I think the top stops spinning in the end. Ben Harlum

COMPETITION THANKS to our friends at Warner Bros., BBM has five copies of Inception to give away! But not just on DVD, our lucky winners will take home Inception (available Dec. 8) on DVD, BluRay and a Digital Copy in a huge combo pack! Visit to enter.





Placebo, Goldfrapp, Gorillaz and more





On CD & Digitally

remixes and an exclusive new track or two. It’s Goldfrapp’s We Radiate which is the standout of the album, an exclusive that fits right in with their last album, Head First, with their trademark synth-pop sound.

WHAT is it about these Vampire shows and films, they always seem to have the best soundtracks?

Placebo’s Kate Bush cover, Running Up That Hill, also packs a real bite (pun intended) and helps turn what could be a throwaway soundtrack into a quality compilation. BH

While The Vampire Diaries is admittedly a bit more entertaining than Twilight, the soundtrack is ace - filled with fun covers, quality




Jason Schwartzman Zach Galifianakis

December 1



On DVD (MA15+)

BURIED on Pay TV, Bored to Death is a gem of a television show which tells the story of Jonathan (Schwartzman) who, obsessed with crime novels, advertises his services as an unlisenced private detective.


Chris Messina John Erick Dowdle Jenny O’Hara (Quarantine)

What follows is a fun boatload of odd cases, intertwined with Jonathan’s boss (Ted Danson), friend (Galifianakis) and a lot of alcohol and drugs - one of the season’s best episodes features a hilarious scene between Danson and Galifianakis while high. It’s quirky, well-written and - most importantly - very funny. Be careful though, you’ll be craving more after only eight addictive episodes in the first season. BH


December 2 In Cinemas (M)

up being the best ‘Shyamalan film’ since Sixth Sense. Smooth move, M. Night.

POOR M. Night Shyamalan. After a lineup of terrible films dating all the way back to, well anything after The Sixth Sense, he decides to pass on the directing duties of Devil to somebody else. In an ironic twist of fate, Devil ends

A no-nonsense horror flick, Devil works because there’s a real whodunnit aspect to the story which keeps you interested and working out the identity of the devil along with the other characters. With some good scares and a great sense of humour, Devil is surprisingly entertaining and worth checking out. BH




Living in a Dream Whatever Doesn’t Kill Me



On CD & Digitally

What is delivered, however, is a nifty little rock album that ranges from the guitar-friendly Any Moment Now to the killer ballad Love’s What You Left Me With.

FIRST things first, unfortunately there’s no track that manages to top Paralyser, which dominated radio a couple of years ago. Living in a Dream is a clear attempt to emulate its preceeding single but imitation only gets you so far.

Fans of Finger Eleven’s really, really early stuff will probably be disappointed with the lack of “stick it to the man” rebellious lyrics and heavy aggressive songs but for me, someone looking for a decent rock album and a fan of Paralyser, Life Turns Electric is a quality effort and on repeat in my stereo. BH


INTERVIEW dpvsufofz!dpy;


WHILE we consider gracing the cover of BBM a couple of weeks ago a career-defining achievement, Courteney Cox has had a lot more than just a magazine cover - starring in Friends, the Scream Trilogy and now Cougar Town (not to mention the music video for Bruce Springsteen’s Dancing in the Dark) BBM caught up with Courteney to discuss the DVD release of Cougar Town.

Your character in Cougar Town is horrified at the thought of turning 40. How did you feel when you reached that age? Turning 40 wasn’t too bad for me because I don’t remember it. I had given birth to my daughter, Coco, two days before my 40th birthday, so I was lying in bed with her all day long. I couldn’t believe I had a kid and I didn’t know what to do with her. To be honest, turning 40 was fine – but turning 45 really struck a nerve. The first scene of the show is very revealing. Your character stands in front of a mirror scantily clad. Be honest, did you use a body double? No, that was me. That was me at my worst and I certainly didn’t need to show it to everybody – but that’s the real side of being 40. I think it was important for my character to be shown as real, which is why I did it and that’s why it’s my body on display. I have had a kid, so my stomach will never be tight – and I don’t care. I’m sitting here right now and I know my stomach isn’t flat. It’s just what it is. I had a baby at 40 and that’s what happens.


‘Cougar’ is not the only term popping up. There’s now ‘panther’ and ‘saber-tooth’ as well. Do you know the difference? I do. They all relate to different age groups. The cougars are in their 40s and the pumas are in their 30s. I think the saber-tooths are in their 60s and the jaguars are in their 50s. That’s what I hear, anyway. I used to think the term ‘cougar’ described a woman who had a lot of plastic surgery, a woman who was trying to look younger in order to date someone younger. Now I think it refers to a woman who uses her experience and her confidence to date younger guys – and they find her attractive. There are lot of men out there who are more attracted to older women because of their experience and the fact that there’s no game playing. I know that my husband certainly feels like this, too. He likes older women. I’m young compared to some of the people he’s gone out with. Have you met any real life cougars? You know what? I had a cougar over at my house on Sunday. I didn’t ask her if she watched the show, but she was definitely a fully-fledged cougar. She’s amazing, but I’m not going to tell you who she is. Friends had a ton of guest actors show up, will any be moving to Cougar Town? We have people like Sheryl Crow and Lisa Kudrow appearing in the first season, which has been a lot of fun – but I hope we have more guest stars as the show continues. I guess we’ll just have to see what happens as we move forward…

Season One of Cougar Town is available right now on DVD.

INTERVIEW ARJ Barker is one of the biggest names in Australian comedy – which is odd because he’s American. BBM’s RICHARD GADSBY caught up with him on his Aussie tour ahead of the release of his new DVD – Forever.

Is there an anti-Australia? Somewhere that doesn’t get your sense of humour? Germany – although, from what I hear, I’m not sure if that’s because they don’t like my sense of humour or they just never had one in the first place.

Your over here all the time. Have you found yourself picking up a bit of accent or using Aussie phrases? The only thing really is I’ll sometimes say “reckon”. That’s the only word I’ve picked up and it’s strange in America because it’s an old-timey kind of word over there. So I’ll say “I reckon I’ll be about an hour” and I can see people wondering when I turned into an old man.

A lot of people know you as “Dave” from Flight of the Conchords. Were you sad when Bret and Jemaine decided to end the show, or pleased it will always now be remembered as a great comedy series? It was great to be on such an awesome show – but, to be honest, I was glad [it ended] because, although I was a pretty regular character, I did a lot of waiting around when we were filming. I prefer focussing on my own work more than acting out someone else’s so it was kind of a relief.

I’m sure you get asked this a lot, but just why do you think your comedy translates so well Down Under? I do get asked it a lot but I still don’t have an answer. I like to think it’s because I work hard and I’m a pretty good stand up! I guess I’m pretty dry and sarcastic and the Aussies seem to relate to that.


The Forever DVD is out now. Arj plays Port Hedland on December 3 and 4, Karratha on December 5, Sydney’s State Theatre December 7, 8, 9, 11 and the Enmore on December 10.











Detroit 25 2010 is an exciting time for the Detroit electronic music community as it marks the 25th anniversary of the birth of Techno in the city. To celebrate, a collective of artists from Detroit past and present will be coming together to perform under the banner D25. It is a rare opportunity for Australian audiences to experience a world-class event featuring Carl Craig, Theo Parrish, Moodymann and more.

Masterchef Live JOIN judges Gary, George and Matt plus contestants Adam and Marion live on stage for a 60-minute cooking spectacular, and then spend the rest of the day in Australia’s first Festival of Cooking. Watch behind-the-scenes exclusives, experience live Mystery Box Challenges and Pressure Tests, feel the heat with special guest MasterClasses and prepare yourself for an interactive, action-packed, cooking show. When: December 10 - 12th Where: Hordern Pavilion Cost: $55 - $120

When: Saturday December 11 Where: The Forum Cost: Second Release: $50, Final Release: $61

ORIGINALLY from Birmingham, Broadcast has remained a combination of Trish and James’ love for film, library music and electronics with psych-pop colour. Where: The Forum When: Wednesday December 8 Cost: From $42

BBM caught The Deer Republic at Splendour 2009 and were impressed with their kaleidoscopic indie rock sounds. Consider this a personal recommendation. Where: Gallery, Oxford Art Factory When: Friday December 10 Cost: Free

PAUL Greene’s music is a concoction of soul, folk, pop, roots and rock which he delivers all by his lonesome. Where: The Basement When: Thursday December 9 Cost: $25


THE Infamous English post-punk band The Fall are bringing their bristling brand of social complaint to Australia for the first time in 20 years. Where: The Metro When: Thursday December 7 Cost: $55

HUNDREDS will gather to commemorate the 30th anniversary of John Lennon’s assassination and to launch the re-release of his anthem Give Peace a Chance to a new generation. Where: Oxford Art Factory When: Tuesday December 7 Cost: $10 SPICE up your Friday night with a bit of Woody Allen! Bananas & Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask) Where: Chauvel Cinema, Paddington When: Friday December 10 Cost: $18






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Tamarama Beach



Linkin Park FRESH from their European tour in October, Linkin Park’s live performances are designed to be a transformative multi-media experience, with a unique blending of music, art and extraordinary visual technology. Fans can expect a set list offering an awesome mix of past tracks and huge hits, as well some highly-anticipated new material. When: December 12 & 13 Where: Rod Laver Arena Cost: From $102

Gorillaz THE conception of the world’s first ‘virtual band’ all began a decade ago when Damon Albarn and animator Jamie Hewlitt introduced us all to the fictional world of Gorillaz. Playing songs from all three of their critically acclaimed albums (Gorillaz, Demon Days and Plastic Beach) this landmark arena tour will include a dynamic production featuring multimedia video animation, artwork and film. When: December 11 Where: Rod Laver Arena Cost: From $99

HAVING taken the Australian folk/roots circuit by storm, 19-year-old Kim Churchill is surely set to go global in 2010. Whilst Japan, Canada and the US have already been treated to sets from his debut record “With Sword And Shield”, Churchill is spending time on home terrain to perfect his craft.

Carter and Ashleigh Mannix, Churchill’s midweek appearance at the Northcote Social Club is bound to get tongues wagging. When: Sunday 5th December Where: Northcote Social Club 301 High Street, Northcote Cost: $12 ($15 on door)

With support in the shape of friends Justin

JOANNA Murray-Smith’s insight into the lives of tragic stars Judy Garland, Patsy Cline, Edith Piaf, Billie Holliday and Maria Callas has been met with nothing but praise since opening at the Fairfax Studio last month. In fact, the reaction was so intense that “Songs For Nobodies” has just been extended till mid January, giving you no excuse to pop down and check it out.

Bernadette Robinson breathes life back into the late stars and women who had been involved in their stories. When: Until January 15th. Where: Fairfax Studio, The Art’s Centre, St Kilda Road, Melbourne Cost: $30 - $83.15

WITH Christmas fast approaching, the lack of dark nights and cold winds may be somewhat disorientating. Yup, folks, this year definitely won’t be a White Christmas in Oz. So, we all need to find a different way to get into the festive season.

more festive as December comes knocking. Spirit of the Square provides a mix of muchloved Christmas traditions and community heart with contemporary, cheeky surprises!

The good ole folks of Federation Square are on hand to make the soaring heat seem a little bit

ARE you keen to bag yourself a bargain? Well, this event might help you do just that and also raise much needed funds. The Australian Print Workshop provides space and provisions for upcoming Australian artists, with Impressions being a chance for them to give something back. Impressions is a collection on limited edition prints by a range of contemporary artists (130


When: From December 1st Where: Federation Square

in total). This exhibition provides not only an insight into the future names of Australian art but also a chance to get your hands on some of their work at below par prices. When: Until 12 February 2011 Where: Australian Print Workshop Gallery, 210 Gertrude Street, Fitzroy


100% Thrills

ROOFTOP Katie Drover Spacey Space Agent 86 Peter Baker DANCEFLOOR Muska Freya Tigerfunk Adam Askew Jimi Danger Rooftop BBQ from 1pm Always free, always fun. Corner Brunswick Street & Rose Street Fitzroy VIC


Muse AFTER taking the nation with sheer force at the Big Day Out in January, Muse have returned to Australia, fulfilling a promise to deliver their full European and US arena production show at long last. At the BDO, the band left thousands of punters stunned by green lasers, silver pants, robot armies marching across giant screens and a hit-heavy set that envisioned music’s symphonic,

glittering future, pumping out everything from Uprising to Supermassive Black Hole, Starlight to Plug in Baby. Can you tell we’re excited? When: December 14 & 15 Where: Rod Laver Arena Cost: $109

HIDDEN away on Alma Road is Melbourne’s fascinating Jewish Museum. Whilst their exhibition Theresienstadt: Drawn From The Inside has been open since April, it is worth a mention for those who have not managed to get along yet. Terezin was turned into a ghetto by the Nazis and functioned as way-station en route to the

MEGAN Cadd is a Yorta-Yorta and Wotjabaluk woman who has used her creativity as an expressive outlet in response to her personal journey through colonisation. Motivated by the loss of her Aboriginal grandmother, Cadd decided to embark on a journey to rediscover her heritage. Having worked closely with the Aboriginal community in


concentration camps. Theresienstadt was used by the Nazis to deceive outsiders as to their treatment of the Jewish population. Schartz and Lowit’s pieces demonstrate the different layers of life within Theresienstadt’s high walls. When: Until March 13 Where: Jewish Museum Of Australia, St Kilda Cost: $10 (Concession: $5)

Melbourne and revisited Yorta-Yorta country, Cadd’s aim is to challenge a non-Indigenous audience to appreciate her heritage. When: Until April 10 Where: Bunjilaka Aboriginal Cultural Centre, Melbourne Museum, Nicholson Street, Carlton Cost: $8 (Conc. Free)




MELBOURNE NEWS HOT STUFF BABY THIS EVENING OK LADIES, BBM understands that when a woman says no, she means no. Even when she doesn’t say ‘no’, when she says something like ‘fuck off you dog-faced creep’ we get the message. Many, many times. Clearly Kerry Anne McNiven, 43 of Wangaratta, felt she needed to emphasise her point though. So when 50-year-old Gary Stewart allegedly copped a feel of her breasts while she was asleep – she did what any rational lady of reputation would do in her dilemma. She

doused him in petrol and set him alight. He won’t be doing that again in a hurry! Mainly because he’s dead now. “[She said], ‘Look, I’ll tell you this whole thing is because he touched my boobies last night while I was asleep,’” said police sergeant Brian McCormick. “She put both her hands on her breasts as she explained. “‘I’ve already been molested once, years ago. I wasn’t going to let someone do it again and get away with it.’”

HOT STUFF BABY TONIGHT BBM would never EVER condone drunk driving. Just like we’d never, EVER, condone the drunk buggering of a mule. Especially if your mate has a camera phone.

South Wales before the thing finally broke down at 4am in the morning. “He has allegedly stolen a truck and driven from Lake Charm to Murrabit, then he has gone to Koondrook, then Barham in NSW, before returning to Victoria and breaking down in the truck on the Murray Valley Highway just outside Kerang,” Senior Constable Dean Closter said.

But let’s roleplay for a second. Let’s say, for instance, that you did get pissed and couldn’t get a taxi home for love nor money so had to drive. You’d perhaps try and be a bit discreet right? Stick to the speed limit, never overtake, always indicate and, basically, be the sort of ‘by the rules’ driver who always gets beeped on a motorway. Wisely, a 30-year-old bloke decided not take his car home after getting bladdered in Lake Charm. Unwisely, he instead decided to break into a fire truck and take it on a joyride to New

“I reckon he has probably driven 150 kilometres. This is their main fire truck, which is a bit of a worry.” Slightly more worrying, sergeant Closter, is the fact your boys in blue didn’t even know a drunk was rampaging around northern Victoria in a fire truck until he broke down. Otherwise, a sterling effort boys.

AS WE all know, Dominos Pizza’s famous slogan is “it might taste like shit but we’re quick, cheap and you’re pissed.” And indeed Jon Anderson was pissed when he decided to pay out for the most expensive pizza ever from a Dominos in Malvern earlier this year. Unfortunately, he decided to go drive-thru – and the store isn’t drivethru. The end result was he ploughed through the front window and has now been banned from driving and fined $1000. ‘’I don’t wish to make light of this, your honour, but it is the most expensive pizza that anyone has ever gone out for,’’ Senior Constable Luke Devlin said at the court hearing. Oh you joker Luke! 40

NAVY SEALS “BUT we’re never gonna survive – unless we get a little, crazy!” It seems Seal’s rallying pop cry to the amphibious-mammals he loves and, indeed, named himself after has finally struck a chord as the little fish-chomping swines have declared war on human kind. The first seal-led blow in the revolution against humans was struck in Melbourne this week when the furry bastards launched a biting attack on two tourists and a diver in three separate incidents at Port Phillip Bay. “A bite from an Australian fur seal can cause serious injuries and the only way to reduce the risk of being bitten is to keep your distance,” said Department of Sustainability and Environment spokesman Glenn Sharp. Mr Sharp said two of those bitten in the past week were visiting Chinaman’s Hat on an organised tour, while the third was diving in the area from a dive charter boat. “Flee for your lives – they’ll kill us all…argh!” he didn’t add, unfortunately.

BIRTH-DIE GIRL WONDERING what to get the missus for her birthday? Why not get her a present that will guarantee you never have to worry about getting her a present again? That’s what a bloke in Port Phillip Bay did this week (blimey it’s all happening there eh?) after he bought her a surf ski (which is another word for Kayak as far as we can tell) – which almost killed her. Giddy with excitement, the birthday girl immediately went off to try it out, dropped her paddle, and then ended up floating eight kilometres out to sea. “We did a sweep of the beach from the sky then within five minutes I could see her orange ski sticking out of the water,’’ said intensive care flight paramedic Shaun Ryan. “I was winched down and dropped into the water where I was able to hook her into a rescue harness and we pulled her up to safety.”



SURE, you may only be visiting Perth for the Ashes this time around - and who can blame you? It’s the perfect pre-Christmas present to yourself. But what you may not know is that not only does Perth and South Australia have a bunch of exciting places to grab a good feed and party the night away, but there’s a bunch of events and festivals all year round that are just calling your name and begging you to come back and visit. So here is BBM’s guide to the best Perth festivals and events in the near future. It’s not all about Cricket, you know.



Belvoir Amphitheatre: December 26 Perth’s annual open-air celebration of bass and broken beats.

Northbridge Piazza and surrounds: December 31 Astronauts, a giant boab tinker, roving snails and other mystical characters are preparing to take over Northbridge for the City of Perth New Year’s Eve Celebrations.

Part of the fun is to go with work mates and see who ‘pulls up’ worst on Monday morning, but for anyone without that worry it’s no holds barred!

ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT Salt on the Beach, North Fremantle: December 31 This year is the best lineup yet, headlined by eight-piece Arrested Development live, backed by DJs and live Perth funk-electronic band The Brow Horn Orchestra across two areas right on the beach in North Fremantle. Celebrate the New Year with Perth’s only NYE beach party and hear the unique hip hop soul from Arrested Development who will perform their hits 90’s hits Tennessee, People Everyday and Mr Wendal.


CLUB PARIDISO Salt on the Beach, North Fremantle: January 1 Are you ready to dance your way into 2011? If so, don your party hats and get your dancing shoes down to Club Paradiso, the one-stop shop for summer party action, proudly brought to you by Limelite and Sunset Events. This is set to be the party season’s premier boutique dance event.

SOUTHBOUND FESTIVAL Sir Stewart Bovell Park: January 1st-3rd Southbound is an annual music, camping and

arts festival held at the beginning of the year in the beautiful South West Western Australia town of Busselton. It boasts a laid-back atmosphere and an excellent line-up of local, Australian and international acts.

BMW PERTH CUP Ascot Racecourse: January 1st Welcome in 2011 with Perth’s original New Year’s Day celebration. BMW Perth Cup is the social mecca for the biggest day out at Ascot. And with so many places to party, you’ll find the perfect race day option for you and your friends.

LANCELIN OCEAN CLASSIC Lancelin: January 6th-9th The Lancelin Ocean Classic is the most prestigious and longest running windsurf event in Australia. World Class Competitors and spectators come from all over the world. The event attracts 3000 to 5000 visitors to Lancelin.


The after party is not to be missed!

SUMMER DAYZE The Esplanade & Supreme Court Gardens: January 8th So, get ready for a piping hot new experience this summer as the nation’s premier dance music celebration unveils its fresh new vibe, exciting new musical direction and mind-blowing new event experience. Now in its 12th stunning year, Summadayze will take Melbourne, Perth, Adelaide and the Gold Coast by storm once again as a fresh, exciting lineup of the world’s biggest electronic hitters join the infamous sonic juggernaut for a non-stop, hands-in-the-air party around the nation.

SETS ON THE BEACH Scarborough Beach Amphitheatre: Januay 16th Sets On the Beach is a must not miss event! With volume one of the series featuring ultimate party duo Bag Raiders and more! This is the first of three summer beach parties series taking place on the spectacular oceanside venue.



Swan River: January 26th 250,000 people line the foreshore of the Swan River for our country’s largest annual community celebration on Australia Day. Throughout the day family entertainment will be spread across Langley Park, Supreme Court Gardens, Esplanade Reserve, Sir James Mitchell Park, Barrack Square and on Perth Waters.

AUSTRALIA DAY IN FREO Esplanade Park: January 26th Fremantle’s skies will come alive after a free BBQ and concert.

A DAY ON THE GREEN: INXS Kings Park & Botanic Garden: February 3rd Aussie rock legends INXS (with special guest JD Fortune) will play their first Australian tour in four years, exclusively for a Day On The Green, in support of their new album. Joining INXS are US Grammy-Award winners Train, whose blues and folk-infused rock has propelled them to the top of the charts around the world, the reformed Baby Animals and Sean Kelly from ARIA Hall of Fame inductees Models.



FOR the first time ever, a rock concert will be staged at the cauldron-like atmosphere that is Perth Motorplex. And who better than Guns N’ Roses to play there?

BON Jovi’s The Circle tour will see the band spend much of the next two years on the road, performing a staggering 135 shows in 30 countries.

Classic members Axl Rose and Dizzy Reed will be joined by the current lineup of Tommy Stinson on bass, Bumblefoot on guitar, Chris Pitman on keys and bass, DJ Ashba on guitar, Richard Fortus on rhythm guitar and Frank Ferrer on drums.

This brand new stadium stage production is one of the biggest sets ever to be seen in this country. With U2 also around this month, it looks like we’ll have a shortage of roadies and construction workers!

Joining Guns N’ Roses will be KoRn, who have sold in excess of 30 million albums worldwide. When: Saturday December 11 Where: Perth Motorplex Cost: General Admission $139


When: Wednesday December 8 Where: Subiaco Oval Cost: From $101 Other Australian Dates 10th Dec: Rod Laver Arena, Melbourne 11th Dec: Ethiad Stadium, Melbourne 14th Dec: Suncorp Stadium, Brisbane 17th, 18th Dec: SFS, Sydney

PAUL Kelly is travelling around the country to perform his A to Z shows. Paul has selected 100 songs from his massive catalogue and will perform the songs alphabetically over four nights. The original A to Z shows were performed in 2004 in a series of concerts at Melbourne’s Spiegeltent. An 8CD box set of ‘The A To Z Recordings’ has been released, including a 64-page hardback book of photographs. When: December 8, 9, 10, 11 Where: Astor Theatre Cost: $70 for one night $115 for two nights $162 for three nights $200 for all four nights


FRIDAY DURTY NELLYS Live Acoustic Entertainment ELEPHANT & WHEELBARROW Daren Reid and the Soul City Groove 10pm – 1:30am ROSIE O’GRADYS Dublin Rogues 9:30 til late. THE NEWPORT HOTEL Felix Fridays 7:30 – 1am DJ’s playing live rock and dance tunes. THE SHED Heaven Sent

SATURDAY FLY BY NIGHTCLUB Sugar Blue Review ROSEMOUNT Saturday Night Live DURTY NELLYS Red Yeti ELEPHANT & WHEELBARROW Time Out the Band 10pm – 1:30am MURPHYS IRISH PUB Rockafellas ROSIE O’GRADYS Blue Gene from 10pm THE NEWPORT HOTEL Felix Fridays 7:30 – 1am DJ’s playing live

rock and dance tunes THE SHED Sexy Saturdays HOTEL ROTTNEST Saturday Night Solo

SUNDAY THE SHED Sunday Sessions and Full Irish Breakfast and Magners for $20 ROSIE O’GRADYS Blue Gene from 10pm


TUESDAY MURPHYS IRISH PUB Rockin Ronnie ROSIE O’GRADYS Backpacker Night from 9pm OLD SWAN BARRACKS Speed Pool Comp

WEDNESDAY ROSIE O’GRADYS Open Mic night THE NEWPORT HOTEL Gravity and Degraff DJ’s 8pm -1am MURPHYS IRISH PUB Karaoke OLD SWAN BARRACKS Bingo + $7 pizzas

THURSDAY DURTY NELLYS Beef wellington served with roast veggies and a pint of James Squire Amber Ale for just $22 ELEPHANT & WHEELBARROW Backpacker and Student Night MURPHYS IRISH PUB Superstar Karaoke Comp ROSIE O’GRADYS Fenton Wilde OLD SWAN BARRACKS Quiz night

FLY BY NIGHTCLUB 1 Holdsworth Street, Fremantle

THE NEWPORT HOTEL 2 South Terrace, Fremantle

HOTEL ROTTNEST 1 Bedford Avenue, Rottnest Island

DURTY NELLY’S 397 Murray Street, Perth

THE SHED 69/71 Aberdeen Street, Northbridge

BLACK BETTY’S 116 Aberdeen Street, Northbridge

ELEPHANT & WHEELBARROW 55 Lake Street, Northbridge

ROSEMOUNT 459 Fitzgerald Street, North Perth

OLD SWAN BARRACKS 2- 8 Francis Street, Perth

ROSIE O’GRADY’S 205 James Street, Northbridge

MURPHY’S IRISH PUB 43 Mandurah Terrace, Perth

BURSWOOD DOME Great Eastern Highway, Burswood





Kelly Reed, 24 Originally from: UK Now lives: Sydney

, p r o c a is V o t s k n a h T I m here to stay! Visacorp specialise in securing visas, work permits & permanent residency for working holidaymakers. If you want to call Australia home, contact Visacorp today to discuss your options!

Call Now: 02 9221 0370 or email: Registered Migration Agents 0104178 / 0317382 / 0532487 Member of Migration Institute of Australia



Hot Summer Cool Work



Want to be part of an International network of Companies? Want to earn great money while you’re here? Do you enjoy a fun and energetic environment? Just choose your destination and contact us today! SYDNEY • MELBOURNE • PERTH • BRISBANE ADELAIDE • REGIONAL AREAS as well Call Juanita on (02) 9211-1022 or email your resume to

To learn more about what we get up to check us out at




Calling all backpackers with Accounting experience – we need you NOW! We have fantastic opportunities for travellers to gain experience in international business practice with some of the world’s best companies whilst having the time of your life here in Sydney!

We currently have vacancies in the following areas: • • • • • •

Accounts Payable Accounts Receivable Collections Assistant Accountants Accounts Data Entry Clerks Fixed Asset Assistants

You must have between 1-2 years experience in your relevant field with strong communication skills. Ideally you will have experience working with a large international ERP system and be able to commit to your full assignment. Contact Rachel Rose on 9406 5313 to discuss further.

Payroll/ HR Oflcer, Brisbane:

Payroll Oflcer, Melbourne:

• • • •

This expanding business based on the fringe of Melbourne’s CBD is currently seeking an experienced Payroll Officer to join their established team. Your main responsibilities will include:

Milton area, close to public transport $65K - $75K + super + leave loading Friendly and supportive environment with great perks! 8:30 – 4:30pm

As an employer we have a strong focus on rewarding our employee’s. This has secured long tenures and a highly positive working environment where morning tea’s, BBQ’s and staff functions and the norm. The Payroll/ Human Resources Officer will undertake the following duties: • Full function fortnightly payroll • Competency mapping and identification of training requirements. • Workplace health and safety • Maintenance and updating IR and Certified Agreement policy • Assist with recruitment/ on-boarding process • Identify better and more effective and efficient policy and procedure around employee data management • Ad hoc tasks as identified and required

• Payroll processing for approximately 600 employees across Australia • Processing new starters, employee transfers, and terminations • Employee Contracts and other HR related issues • Answering all enquires, and liaising with staff at all levels • Interpretation of a large number of different awards • Liaising with Superannuation Funds when necessary Using the SAP system, this is a busy role requiring someone with the ability to work unsupervised, and closely with the rest of the team. You will enjoy an extremely friendly and supportive environment, with significant opportunities for progression and development. For further information, or a confidential chat, please call Melissa Wharton on (03) 8629 1303,.

The ideal candidate will be degree/ Cert IV qualified or nearing completion with a minimum four years experience in a full function payroll position. Exposure to Micropay Meridian will be highly regarded as will knowledge of MYOB. Contact: Claire Williamson on 3009 6116 or email your cv to

AccountAbility specialises in recruiting accounting support roles. For more opportunities or to discuss your travel/work plans, please contact us on (02) 8296 5300 or email

JOB LISTINGS AUSTRALIA DO YOU WANT TO WRITE about traveling around the Australians West Coast? This is a great opportunity to get your name in to print. This not a paid job, but other beneďŹ ts are available like free activities or accommodation as you travel. Well established magazine now ten years old. Please apply to: guchi.shakir@what-media. com SPONSORSHIP OPPORTUNITIES AVAILABLE. Immediate start. Full sales training. Fun working environment. Extensive travel opportunities. Call now - Sydney: (02) 9212 2668. Melbourne: (03) 9425 9444. Brisbane: (07) 3217 3307 TOP DECK IS LOOKING FOR EUROPEAN COACH DRIVERS Get paid to visit some of Europeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s best destinations while providing 1830 somethings with an unforgettable travel experience. Competitive remuneration plus all accommodation, meals and transport paid whilst on the road. Visit: or call: 1300 366 573



PROMOTIONAL STAFF. call centre work available to promote electricity and gas. simple work and great money. full time training provided - no experience needed. melbourne work only. call jerry on 03 9867 6322

CASUAL HOSPITALITY STAFF NEEDED. Chefs, Kitchen Hands, Waiters etc required for immediate start. Earn great rates - $20 - $45 per hour. Register today & start tomorrow. Ph: 9324 4644 jobs@

ADVERTISING & PROMOTIONS Weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re looking for fun, loud & vibrant people to come join us in our young, dynamic sales & marketing company. Have fun at work with colleagues from all over the world as well as having the opportunity to progress and earn GREAT money at the same time. â&#x20AC;˘ Get paid a competitive hourly rate! â&#x20AC;˘ Career progression opportunities! â&#x20AC;˘ Complete development & product training! â&#x20AC;˘ No experience needed! â&#x20AC;˘ Available shifts between 10am â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 8pm Monday to Friday! â&#x20AC;˘ Sponsorship opportunities available! Call NOW! 03 9011 8447 FLAUNT IT! We are the leading producers of creative nude photography, and are looking for amateur models 18 + to smash the stereotypes. Earn 500+ cash on your own terms. Fun, safe women run company. Call Rebecca 03 9495 6555

PROMOTION MANAGERS WANTED. Sydneyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s leading event & promotion company is looking to build a team of fun, energetic and outgoing travellers to work in Sydneyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s best locations. Earn in excess of $1000 per week. You will need to be a highly energetic self-motivate individual with a passion for sales. Only 10 applicants will be successful Contact: Nathan 0405 766 353 EXPERIENCED SANDWICH HAND Required - Monthly Position 15th oct 18th Nov. Mon - Fri - City location - 6am -2pm. Call Yvonne 02 9267 4430

CALLING ALL WORKING HOLIDAY MAKERS! -Earn great money while youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re here -Be part of an international network of companies -Fun and energetic environment Jobs available in Sydney, Melbourne, Perth, Brisbane, Adelaide and regional areas! 02 92111022 or email



SALES EXECUTIVE DO WANT TO SETTLE DOWN IN AUSTRALIA? DO YOU LOVE SELLING? â&#x20AC;˘ Generous package â&#x20AC;˘ An opportunity to become an Australian permanent resident and eventually a citizen! â&#x20AC;˘ Fantastic full-time sales role with growth potential â&#x20AC;˘ Both face-to-face & call centre positions! â&#x20AC;˘ Complete training available â&#x20AC;˘ Assistance with your visa We are a privately owned media company experiencing growth year on year. We require LOUD, FUN & SMART individuals to join our young & dynamic team to work out of our West Sydney and Inner West Sydney ofďŹ ces. As Sales Executive you will be selling to medium sized local businesses and organisations, gradually building strong relationships with your portfolio of clients. We want to see your great selling skills and your original ideas and marketing solutions. If you have a professional attitude and presentation, then email your resume and a cover letter to






Female Masseurs required


Full training provided

$110 p/hr



Flexible shifts Fun & friendly girls team

(02) 9357 6145 AT MICHELLES 135 Bayswater Rd Rushcutters Bay



Several vacancies exist @ our friendly well established full service parlour @ Darling Harbour. We have flexible shifts, caring female management, great pay ($150 p/hr) and a very safe environment for sexy ladies.Great place for newcomers. Call 02 9660 5942 after 11am for a confidential chat.


ON (02) 8231 7701


KINGS COURT MASSAGE is the best place to learn adult massage. Kings is well organised with tight guidelines (no sex) and the other girls are friendly to work with. You will gain confidence as you learn adult massage and the style of the place makes you look good. You just need to be the girl-next-door. We have an understanding boss and the clients are younger and more polite than other places. Enjoy cash money on a casual basis paid daily from the beginning. Have a look at the web site. It is safe to scan in a cafĂŠ (no porn.) There is a map to guide you to us. Drop in for a chat and we will have one of our ladies show you around. We are along from central railway near the university precinct. Catch a bus to Victoria Park bus stop then look across the road. 261 Parramatta Rd Broadway 02 9660 0666

Behind each successful woman is-HERSELF!!! Female Masseurs Required $110 p/hr Full Training Provided Immediate Start Flexible Shifts Fun & Friendly Girls Team

(02) 96990055 NIRVANA 400 Cleveland St, Surry Hills



#0%:-*/& .FMCPVSOF 1$" 1$"




ACCOMMODATION SYDNEY BONDI JUNCTION. CHEAPER THAN A DORM: Walking distance to Cock and Bull and Tea Gardens. Rooms available: Singles, doubles, triples and quads. All bills inc. All rooms include kitchenette, fridge, microwave. Laundry. Spotless. Near transport. Oxford Court Accommodation. From $120pppw. 170 Oxford Street, Woollahra. Call 9327 2233 / 0412 547 840.

DARLINGHURST BUDGET. NEWLY RE-FURBISHED SHARE ACCOMMODATION Rear of 433 Liverpool Street, Darlinghurst. Corner of West Street. Central location, close to all amenities yet quiet. $160 P/P P/W + $200 Bond. All bills + WIRELESS INTERNET included. Fully furnished rooms in share house. 7 rooms - 2, 3 or 4 person share. Laundry, Kitchen, lounge/ TV room. For appointment to view call Louise between 9am-7pm on 0402 034 119. APARTMENTS FOR RENT from $260.00 per week. Potts Point area. Ideal for 2 people, fully furnished & bills included. Fully equipped kitchens & bed linen supplied. TV and DVD player. Secure Building. Close to transport [5 mins to city centre], supermarkets, library, parks & restaurants. Short or Long Term available. Suitable for Couples. Please call 0416 500 088 Between 9am to 5pm

Looking for excellent accommodation at the best location in Sydney. The Porterhouse have dorms for $160 a week max 4 bed dorms, doubles and singles rooms also available $300 a week - in the heart of the city. Call 02 9211 4454 for details

MELBOURNE FULLY FURNISHED MODERN APARTMENTS TRENDY ACLAND STREET ST. KILDA Suit singles, couples, 2/4 share. Rooms, Studios, Units. Short to medium term rentals. From $200 to $450 per week. Share from $100 pp weekly. All-inclusive. Well-equipped. Large courtyard, BBQ, security. Close to trams, shops, beach, tourist spots, Luna Park. Call Sunday to Friday 0425 803 276 or 0425 790 566

PORT STEPHENS - Only 2.5 hours north of Sydney Get away for the weekend or start your travels up the coast with a visit to beautiful Port Stephens. Present this ad for great deals as follows:

*Weekend Package ONLY $99 per person INCLUDES: Two nights dorm accommodation plus 1.5 hour Beach & Dune Sandboarding Adventure Free bikes Free 1 day Wi-Fi

*4 Night Package ONLY $268 per person INCLUDES: Four nights dorm accommodation 1.5 hour Beach & Dune Sandboarding Adventure 3.5 hour Whale Watch 2 hour Beginner surf lesson Free bikes Free 1 day Wi-Fi



ACCOMMODATION GUIDE NEW SOUTH WALES SYDNEY SYDNEY BACKPACKERS 7 Wilmot St Sydney NSW 2000 Ph: 02 9267 7772 1800 88 77 66 (Free Call) Fax: 02 9266 0017 CLOVELLY HOTEL 381 Clovelly Road Clovelly Reservation numbers: (02) 9665 1214 CRITERION HOTEL 260 Pitt Street Sydney (crn Pitt & Park Streets) Ph: (02) 9264 3093 WESTEND BACKPACKERS 412 Pitt Street Sydney, NSW, 2000 Freecall: 1800 013 186 Phone: 02 9211 4588 See the CHURCH - Australia’s largest dorm!

JOLLY SWAGMAN BACKPACKERS HOSTEL 27 Orwell Street Kings Cross, NSW 2011 FREE: 1800 805 870 Ph: 93586400 skype: jolly.swagman.backpackers BONDI BACKPACKERS 110 Campbell Parade Bondi Beach NSW 2026 Ph: (02) 9130 4660 1800 304 660 THE GLOBE BACKPACKERS 40 Darlingurst Road Kings Cross, Sydney NSW 2011 FREECALL: 1800 806 384 Ph/Fax: (02) 9326 9675 CITY RESORT HOSTEL 103-105 Palmer St, Woolloomooloo NSW 2011 Ph: (02) 9357 3333 Skype: City Resort Hostel Show this ad for $5 off! (Valid for new guests only. Min. 3 nights stay.) THE GEORGE STREET HOTEL 700A George Street Sydney NSW 2000 Tel: 02 9211 1800 Fax: 02 9212 2884 Freecall: 1800 679 606 (Within Australia) BOUNCE SYDNEY 28 Chalmers Street, Sydney 2010 Free call 1800890897 Ph +61 2 9281 2222 CASA RADIANTE 373 - 375 Bulwara Road, Ultimo Sydney, NSW, 2007 Ph: 0412692824 or 0404 246 003 STRAND HOTEL 99 William St Darlinghurst, Sydney 2010 Ph: 02 93606910 LORD WOLSELEY HOTEL 265 Bulwara Rd Ultimo, Sydney 2007 Ph: 02 96001736

60 PORTERHOUSE HOTEL 233 Riley St Surry Hills NSW 2010 Ph: (02) 92114454 Single and double & Dorm rooms available Max 4 bed dorms.

LIDO SUITES 2 Roslyn Street, Kings Cross, Sydney, 2011 Ph: 02 8354 0956 Toll Free: 1800 060 954 Fax: 02 9360 5670 Modern, boutique studio rooms located in the hub of Kings Cross’ non-stop energy and within easy reach of all Sydney’s best attractions.

BIG HOSTEL 212 Elizabeth Street, Surry Hills Sydney NSW 2010 Ph: 1800 212 244 02 92816030 Fax: 02-9281-6031 KANGA HOUSE BACKPACKERS 141 Victoria St, Kings Cross NSW 2011 FREECALL 1800 4 KANGA Ph: 9357 7897 Fax: 8354 0439 HAPPY CHAPPY TRAVELLERS INN 64 Foveaux St, Surry Hills Ph: 02 9211 4945 Fax: 02 9212 6662

MAZE BACKPACKERS 417 Pitt St Sydney NSW 2000 Ph: 1800 813 522 SYDNEY CENTRAL HOSTEL 428 Pitt Street Sydney 2000 (02) 9211 7323 Open Daily 8am-11pm

SYDNEY NORTHERN BEACHES SYDNEY BEACHOUSE - YHA 4 Collaroy St, Collaroy, 2097 Ph: +61 2 9981 1177 Fax: -61 2 9981 1114 Guaranteed jobs/work all year. Cheap weekly rates by the beach with free Surfboard, Bodyboard & Bike hire

SYDNEYS SOUTHERN BEACHES CRONULLA BEACH YHA 40 - 42 Kingsway, Cronulla Sydney, 2230 Ph: 02 9527 7772

PORT STEPHENS MELALEUCA SURFSIDE BACKPACKERS 2 Koala Place, One Mile Beach, NSW 2316 Ph/fax: (61) 2 4981 9422 Mobile: 0427 200 950

NEWCASTLE BACKPACKERS NEWCASTLE 42 & 44 Denison St, Newcastle, NSW, 2303 Freecall: 1800 - 33 34 36 (NSW) Ph: 02 4969 3436

HUNTER VALLEY HUNTER VALLEY YHA 100 Wine Country Drive Nulkaba, Hunter Valley Ph: 02 4991 3278


JINDABYNE SNOWY MOUNTAIN BACKPACKERS Ph: 1800 333 468 7-8 Gippsland St. Jindabyne NSW 2627 Fax: 02 6456 1511

BYRON BAY AQUARIUS BACKPACKERS 16 Lawson Street Byron Bay NSW 2481 T/F Ph: 1800 028 909 Ph; (02) 6685-7663 Fax: (02) 6685-7439 NOMADS BYRON BAY 1 Lawson Lane Byron Bay, NSW 2481 Freecall: 1800 766 673 Phone: 02 6680 7966 Newest backpackers in town – not to be missed!

ARTS FACTORY LODGE 1 Skinners Shoot Road Byron Bay, NSW 2481 Ph: 02 6685 7709 An essential part of your journey

NAMBUCCA HEADS NAMBUCCA BACKPACKERS Nambucca Backpackers, 2 Pacific Highway, Nambucca Heads, NSW 2448 Ph: (02) 6568-6360

LAKE TABOURIE LAKE TABOURIE TOURIST PARK Princes Hwy, Lake Tabourie, NSW 2539 Free call: 1300 559 966

QUEENSLAND BRISBANE TINBILLY TRAVELLERS 466 George St Brisbane City, Qld 4000 Ph: +61 7 3238 5888 Free Call 1800 44 66 46 Free Tinbilly Limited Edition T-shirt With presentation of this BBM Ad BASE QLD BACKPACKERS 308 Edward st Brisbane qld 4000 Ph: 0732112433 BUNK 11-21 Gipps St Fortitude Valley, Qld, 4006 Ph: +61 7 3257 3644 Free Call: 1800 682 865

GOLDCOAST AQUARIUS BACKPACKERS 44 Queen Street Gold Coast, Queensland Ph: 07 5527 1300 Freecall 1800 229 955 BACKPACKERS IN PARADISE 40 Peninsular Drive Central Surfers Paradise Queensland, 4217 Ph: 1800 268 621 ISLANDER BACKPACKERS RESORT 6 Beach Road, Surfers Paradise (next to the bus transit centre) Ph: 1800 074 393 SLEEPING INN SURFERS 26 Peninsular Drive Surfers Paradise 4217, QLD Ph: 07 5592 4455 Fax: 07-5592-5266 GET EXCITED ABOUT WHERE YOU SLEEP! COOLANGATTA SANDS HOSTEL Cnr Griffith & McLean Streets, Coolangatta 4225 Ph: 07 5536 7472 SURFERS PARADISE BACKPACKERS RESORT 2837 Gold Coast Highway Queensland 4217 Ph: 07 5592 4677 Freecall - 1800 282 800

CALOUNDRA CALOUNDRA CITY BACKPACKERS 84 Omrah Avenue Caloundra, Sunshine Coast Queensland, Phone: 61 7 5499 7655

MOOLOOLABA MOOLOOLABA BACKPACKERS 75 Brisbane Rd Mooloolaba QLD (07) 5444 3399

MACKAY GECKO’S REST 34 Sydney st Mackay QLD 4740 Ph: 07 49441230


1770 SOUTHERN CROSS (BACKPACKERS) 2694 round hill rd, agnes water, 4677 Ph: 0749747225 1770 BEACHSIDE BACKPACKERS 12 Captain Cook Drive PO Box 212, Agnes Water Queensland 4677 Australia Ph: 07 4974 7200

CAIRNS NOMADS CAIRNS 341 Lake Street Cairns, QLD 4870 Freecall: 1800 737 736 Stay 4 nights, pay only 3! Or $5 off 1st night with this ad. NOMADS ESPLANADE 93 The Esplanade Cairns, QLD 4870 Freecall: 1800 175 716 Ph: 07 4031 7477 Free Breakfast, Free Dinner, and 15 minutes Internet Free

GLOBETROTTERSINTERNATIONAL 154-156 Lake st Cairns City 1800 22 55 87 A GREAT NIGHT SLEEP GUARANTEED GILLIGANS BACKPACKERS HOTEL & RESORT 57-59 Grafton Street, Cairns, QLD Free phone: 1800 556 995 NOMADS CAIRNS BEACH HOUSE 239 Sheridan Street, Cairns, QLD 4870 Tel: 1800 229 228 or (07) 4041 0431 Dorm from just $12 THE NORTHERN GREENHOUSE 117 Grafton Street Cairns QLD 4000 Ph: 1800 000 541 JJ’S BACKPACKERS 11-13 Charles Street Cairns QLD 4870 Bookings - 1800 666 336 Reception - (07) 4051 7642 Fax - (07) 4051 7223


NOMADS HERVEY 408 The Esplanade Torquay, Hervey Bay, QLD 4655 Phone: 07 4125 3601

28 Wongaling Beach Road Mission Beach Queensland 4852 Freecall: 1800 688 316 SCOTTY’S BEACH HOUSE 167 Reid Road, Mission Beach Queensland, 4852 Ph: 07 4068 8676 Fax: 07 4068 8520

TOWN OF 1770


(Between Bunderberg & Rockhampton)

PK’S JUNGLE VILLAGE Lot 11 Cape Tribulation Road, Cape Tribulation QLD 4873 Tel: 07 4098 0040

NOMADS NOOSA 44 Noosa Drive Noosa Heads, QLD 4567 Phone: 07 5447 3355


COOL BANANAS 2 Spring Road, 1770 Queensland, 4677 Ph: 1800 227 660


Australia WHITSUNDAYS BAREFOOT LODGE Whitsunday Passage Whitsundays, Australia Australia Freecall: 1800 075 125 International Telephone: +61 7 4946 9400 Availability and Rates:

AIRLIE BEACH MAGNUMS/WHITSUNDAY VILLAGE TRAVEL 366 Shute Harbour Rd 4802 Airlie Beach, QLD Ph: +61 7 4964 1105 or 07 4964 1188 Free call: 1800 624 634 CLUB CROCODILE Shute Harbour Road, Airlie Beach, Australia Freecall: 1800 075 151 International Telephone: +61 7 4946 7155 Availability and Rates: Club Crocodile Airlie Beach Bookings

CAPE TRIBULATION FERNTREE RAINFOREST LODGE Camelot Close, Cape Tribulation, Australia Australia Freecall:1800 987 077 International Telephone: +61 7 4098 0033 Availability and Rates:

RAINBOW BEACH PIPPIES BEACH HOUSE Cnr of Spectrum Street & Cypress Avenue, Rainbow Beach FREEPHONE: 1800425356 30mins FREE Internet on presentation of this ad PLUS FREE Breakfast & Eco Whale-Watching for all!

DINGOS BACKPACKER RESORT 20 Spectrum Street, Rainbow Beach QLD 4581 FREECALL: 1800 103 823 3day/2night Selfguided camping Fraser Island Safari PLUS 2 nights at Dingos Resort $219 NO HIDDEN EXTRAS and FREE Pancake breakfast with every stay!!!

WESTERN AUSTRALIA SCARBOROUGH WESTERN BEACH LODGE 6 Westborough Street Scarborough, Western Australia, 6019 Ph. (08) 9245 1624

PERTH RAINBOW LODGE 133 Summers St. Perth, WA Ph: (08) 9227-1818 or 0417 927 529 ONE WORLD BACKPACKERS 162 Aberdeen St Northbridge, PERTH WA Ph: (08) 9228 8206

MOUNTWAY HOLIDAY APARTMENTS 36 Mount St West Perth WA 6005 Ph: (08) 9321 8307 MAD CAT BACKPACKERS 55-63 Stirling Street Perth, Western Australia, WA 6000 Ph: (0)8 9228 4966


RIVERBOAT BUNGALOW BACKPACKERS (Part of Working Hostels Mildura group) 27 Chaffey Ave Mildura, Victoria 3500 Tel: 0447 WORKER (0447 967 537) REDCLIFFS HOTEL 25 Jacaranda St Red Cliffs VIC 3496 (03) 5024 1704 BRITANNIA ON WILLIAM 253 William Street, Northbridge 6003 Perth WA Ph: 08 9227 6000 Fax: 08 9227 6611 ROYAL HOTEL 531 Wellington Street, Perth Western 6000 Ph: 08 9338 5100 YMCA ACCOMMODATION JEWELL HOUSE 180 Goderich St. Perth, WA 6000 tel: (08) 9325 8488 fax: (08) 9221 4694 email: OCEAN BEACH BACKPACKERS 1 Eric Street , Cottesloe Perth W/A 6011 Ph: 08 9384 5111 UNDERGROUND BACKPACKERS 268 Newcastle Street Northbridge WA 6003 Ph: (08) 9228 3755 Fax: (08) 9228 3744 EXCLUSIVE BACKPACKERS 158 Adelaide Tce , Perth 6000 Ph: (08) 9221 9991 BEATTY LODGE 235 Vincent Street West Perth WA 6005 Ph: (08) 9227 1521 BILLABONG RESORT 381 Beaufort Street, Perth Ph: 08 9328 7720 GLOBE BACKPACKERS 561 Wellington Street, cnr. Queen St. Perth, WA Ph: 08 9321 4080 THE OLD SWAN BARRACKS 2 - 8 Francis Street Perth (Northbridge)6000 Ph: 08 9428 0000

MONKEY MIA TOWN SHOP Ross St Mall, Maidstone Cresent, Exmouth, Western Australia FREECALL: 1800 224 060

KUNUNURRA KUNUNURRA BACKPACKERS ADVENTURE CENTRE 22 Nutwood Crescent Kununurra WA 6743 Ph: (08) 9169 1998 1800 641 998


MONKEY MIA DOLPHIN RESORT Monkey Mia Road, Shark Bay 3537 Ph: +61 8 9948 1320


HALLS GAP BRAMBUK BACKPACKERS HOSTEL 330 Grampians Road, Halls Gap, Victoria, 3381 Ph: 03 5356 4250 Brambuk Backpackers offers travellers an affordable and comfortable range of accommodation, ideally situated within the stunning Grampians National Park.

MELBOURNE GLOBAL BACKPACKERS 238 Victoria St (cnr Elizabeth St) Nth Melbourne, Vic, 3051 (opposite Queen Vic Market)

Freecall: 1800 700 478 Best kept secret in town - small, simple, centrally located. $20 dorms Decent accommodation cheap!

EASYSTAY MOTEL AND STUDIO APARTMENTS Great accommodation at fantastic rates Rooms available for up to 4 people Book online and save $$$ Or call 1300 30 17 30 MELBOURNE METRO YHA

THE SPENCER BACKPACKERS 475 Spencer Street, Melbourne Ph: (03) 9329 7755 1800 638 108 Bring this ad for 40 min FREE internet (new guests only). KING STREET BACKPACKERS 197-199 King Street Melbourne VIC 3000 Ph: (03) 9670 1111 1800 671 115 MELBOURNE INTERNATIONAL BACKPACKERS

450 Elizabeth Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9662 4066 Fax: 03 9662 4077 THE GREENHOUSE BACKPACKER 228 Flinders Lane Melbourne VIC 3000 Ph: 1800 249 207 MELBOURNE OASIS YHA 76 Chapman St. North Melbourne VIC Ph: 03 9328 3595 Inviting all British Balls enthusiasts to check out Melbourne’s completely BUNK FREE hostel. Guaranteeing a good nights sleep! Foxtel TV & free swimming pool pass. Beds start at $27.

HOTEL DISCOVERY 167 Franklin Street, Melbourne VIC 300 Ph: 03 9329 7525. Freecall 1800 645 200 Independent & Budget Traveler Accommodation Provider VICTORIA HALL ACCOMMODATION 380 Russell Street Melbourne 3000 Ph: 03 9662 3888

78 Howard Street North Melbourne 3051 Phone: (+613) 9329 8599 Web: Email:

PINT ON PUNT 42 Punt Road Windsor 3181 Melbourne, Victoria Australia Ph: 03 9510 4273



196-198 A’Beckett Street Melbourne, VIC 3000 Freecall: 1800 44 77 62 Phone: 03 9328 4383 Funkiest backpackers in Melbourne – come enjoy a drink in industry bar/lounge. On us!!Yay

EXFORD HOTEL 199 Russell Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9663 2697 Fax: 03 9663 2248 NOMADS ALL NATIONS 2 Spencer Street Melbourne, VIC 3000 Freecall: 1800 739 989 Phone: 03 9620 1022 $5 off first night (min 3 night stay) if you mention this ad

FLINDERS STATION HOTEL BACKPACKERS 35 Elizabeth Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9620 5100 Fax: 03 9620 5101

OSLO HOTEL 38 Grey St, St Kilda Melbourne Ph: 1800 501752 Free call or (03) 95254498 or mob: 0407115610 (any time) From $132 per week, 4 bed dorms RITZ FOR BACKPACKERS 169b Fitzroy Street St. Kilda Beach, Melbourne, 3182 Ph: 1800 670 364 HABITAT HQ Freephone 1800 202 500 Award winning 4.5 star hostel with a homely & relaxed atmosphere Specials from $20!FREE pick up from Tullamarine (min 3 nt stay) * Conditions apply JACKSON APARTMENTS St Kilda Beach 80 Ikerman St Ph:0433 118 334 0412 525 510

NORTHERN TERRITORY DARWIN CHILLIS BACKPACKERS 69A Mitchell Street, Darwin Ph: 1800 351 313 ASHTON LODGE & WISDOM BAR 48 Mitchell St, Darwin NT 0800, Australia Ph: 08 8941 4866 MELALEUCA ON MITCHELL 52 Mitchell St Darwin, NT, 0800 Ph: 08 8941 7900 Freecall: 1300 723 437

ALICE SPRINGS ANNIE’S PLACE 4 Traeger Avenue Alice Springs , NT, 0871 Ph: 1800 359 089

SOUTH AUSTRALIA ADELAIDE ADELAIDE TRAVELLERS INN BACKPACKERS 220 Hutt St Adelaide 5000 Free call 1800633747 Ph: +61 08 82240753

HINDMARSH GROOVEY GROUP 10 Bacon St, Hindmarsh SA 5007 Freecall: 1800 66 11 77 Ph: + 61 8 8440 1640 ADELAIDE SHAKESPERE’S INTERNATIONAL 123 Waymouth Street Adelaide SA Ph: +61 (0)8 8231-7655 (Oz Freecall) 1800-556-889 This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

SHARE ACCOMMODATION CAIRNS CAIRNS SHAREHOUSE.COM 53a Minnie Street, Cairns Qld 4870 (Cnr Draper/Minnie Streets) Ph: 0740 411 875 or 0412 318 519 SPECIAL!!! Mention this ad and receive free DVD hire!! **Note: Best for stays of 4 weeks & more

SUBIACO AND WEST PERTH MALIBU APARTMENTS Share House & Self Contained Apartments Subiaco & West Perth Ph: (08) 9228 9008


ACCOMMODATION GUIDE New Zealand TE PUKE HAIRY BERRY BACKPACKER HOSTEL 2 No 1 Road, Te Puke NZ 0064 07 5738015 or 021 520539 “Bring this add for 100MB FREE internet on arrival & we garantee help to get seasonal work”

CHRISTCHURCH CITY OASIS 180 Peterborough Street, Christchurch Ph: + 64 3366 9531 COKER’S BACKPACKERS 52 manchester Street, Christchurch Ph: + 64 3379 8580

KAIKOURA ADELPHI LODGE Main Street, Kaikoura Ph: + 64 3319 5141 Fax: + 64 3319 6786

QUEENSTOWN BUNGI BACKPACKERS 15 Sydney Street, Queenstown Ph: + 64 3442 8725 Fax: + 64 3442 8729 SOUTHERN LAUGHTER LODGE 4 Isle Street, Queenstown Ph: + 64 3441 8828

NOMADS QUEENSTOWN 5-11 Church Street Queenstown, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 3 441 3922 Queenstown’s brand new flashpackers, now open with rave reviews.


CHATEAU FRANZ 8 Cron Street, Franz Josef Glacier Ph: + 64 3752 0738 GLOW WORM COTTAGES 7 Cron Street, Franz Josef Glacier Ph: + 64 3752 0172




NOMADS AUCKLAND 16-20 Fort Street Auckland, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 9 300 9999

NOMADS CAPITAL 118 Wakefield Street Wellington, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 4 978 7800 Central city backpackers with FREE MEAL every night

$5 off first night (min 3 night stay) if you mention this ad

NOMADS FAT CAMEL 38 Fort Street Auckland, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 9 307 0181 $5 off first night if you mention this ad


KATIKATI OUR LITTLE PARADISE 378 Whara Whara Road KatiKati Ph +64 7 5490978


DUKE BACKPACKERS 7 Guinness Street, Greymouth Ph: 03-7689470


NADI BAY RESORT HOTEL Wailoaloa Beach Road Private Mail Bag NAP 0359, Nadi Airport Ph: (679) 6723599 Fax: (679) 6720092 TRAVELLERS BEACH RESORT 19 Wasawasa Road, Nadi Bay Beach Ph: 6723322 Fax: 6720026 www.travellersbeachresort. Skype: travellersbeach

NADI BAY DOWNTOWN BACKPACKERS Nadi, Fiji Islands Ph: [679] 670 0600 THE UPRISING BEACH RESORT 679-345-2200 Beach RoadPacific Harbour P.O.Box 416 Pacific Habour Fiji Islands enquiries@uprisingbeachresort. com

1 Tokerau Beach Rd Kari Kari Peninsula Northland 0800 78 78 92

BAY ADVENTURER BACKPACKERS & APARTMENTS 28, Kings Road, Paihia, Bay of Islands, NZ Ph: +64 9 402 5162

Fiji BEACHCOMBER ISLAND RESORT Mamanuca Island Group Ph: + 679 6661500 Fax: + 679 6664496 info@beachcomberfiji.comwww. AQUARIUS PACIFIC HOTELS LIMITED 17 Wasawasa Road, Newtown, Wailoaloa, Nadi Ph: (679) 6726 000 Fax: (679) 6726 001


THE BEACHOUSE Coral Coast, Fiji Islands Fiji phone: 679 6530500 Free call (within Fiji): 0800 6530530 Australia info line: 07 55320412 SMUGGLERS COVE BEACH RESORT & HOTEL P.O.Box 10409 Nadi Airport. Ph: (679) 672 6578 or 672 4578 Fax: (679) 672 0662 reservations@smugglerscove., Skype name: Smugglers Cove

ROBINSON CRUSOE ISLAND Fiji budget accommodation Ph: (679) – 6281999 (679) – 6282901 www.robinsoncrusoeislandfiji. com HORIZON BEACH RESORT Wailoaloa Beach, Nadi Bay, Fiji Ph: +679 672 2832 or 4578 Fax: +679 672 0662


ADVENTURE SPORTS SKYDIVING AUSTRALIA Coffs City Skydivers 64 aviation drive Coffs Harbour NSW 2450 Tel: 02 66511167 – 0400916600 AWESOME in every way! Full Facilities,Cheap Accomodation Gift Vouchers, GOOD VIBES

Skydive Byron Bay P.O.Box 1615, Byron Bay, NSW, 2481 Hanger 1, Tyagarah Airfield, NSW, 2481 PH: 1800 800 840 or 02 6684 1323 Fax: 02 6684 6323 Email: The ultimate skydive experience Australia has to offer!

Sunshine Coast Skydivers Pathfinder Dr, Caloundra Airport Tel: 1300 727 313 or 07 5437 0211 Skydive Coffs Harbour P.O. Box 351 Coffs Harbour NSW 2450 0433 254 438 Beach landings in the heart of coffs

Simply Skydive Sydney P.O. Box 5060 Elanora Heights NSW 2101 Sydney International Regatta Centre

Penrith Lakes NSW 2750 FreeCall 1800 SKYDIVE Ph: 02/92238444 Fax: 02/92315878 Awesome views of Sydney and the Blue Mountains!

Skydive the Reef Cairns 51 Sheridan St, Cairns, QLD, 4870 Tel: 1800 800 840 Fax: 02 6684 6323 Free Transfers from Cairns & spectacular views of the great barrier reef

Skydive Jurien Bay 36B Bashford St, Jurien Bay, WA, 6516 Ph: 0438 441 239

SKYDIVE MISSION BEACH 51 Sheridan St, Cairns, QLD, 4870 Tel: 1800 800 840 Fax: 02 6684 6323

FISH ROCK DIVE CENTRE 134 Gregory St South West Rocks, NSW 2431 Ph: (02) 6566 6614 or 0414 381985

Free transfers from Mission Beach & Cairns. Australia’s Highest jump and Beach Landings

World class diving, Gray Nurse Sharks, Caves, Whales...this is the real thing!



SKYDIVE LAKE WANAKA LTD 14, Mustang Lane, Wanaka Airport State Highway 6, Wanaka, South Island NZ Tel: +64 3 443 7207 or FREEphone 0800 786 877

Located inside reception at the Exmouth Cape Holiday Park: 3 Truscott Street, Exmouth. Western Australia FREECALL: 1800 224 060


NZONE ‘THE ULTIMATE JUMP’ Queenstown & Rotorua Tel: 0800 376 796

Reef Fleet Terminal, Tenancy 3, 1 Spence Street Cairns, QLD 4870, Australia Australia Freecall: 1800 810 512 International Telephone: +61 7 4050 1333 Availability and Rates:

SKYDIVINGNZ.COM New Zealand Skydiving School FREEPHONE: 0800 NZSKYDIVE Email:


FIJI SKYDIVE FIJI 11 Zahoor Road, Nadi, Fiji Isalnds Tel: +679-6728166 Fax: +679-6721415 ‘Incredible views of Fiji’s Islands and Reefs; Beach or Resort landings’


SOUTH WEST ROCKS DIVE CENTRE 5/98 Gregory St, South West Rocks, NSW, 2431 Tel: 02 65 66 6474 Experience Australia’s best ocean cave & shark dive. Catering for first timers to experienced divers

THE SCUBA CENTRE Port Douglas-Cairns-Airlie Beach 230 Sugarloaf Rd. Whitsunday Tel: 07 4946 1067 Coral Sea - Cairns - and Whitsunday Islands Dive live aboards. PADI dive courses and HMAS Brisbane wreck dive.

SUBSURFACE FIJI ADVENTURE DIVING AND WATERSPORTS Beachcomber, Treasure, Malolo, Walu Beach, Funky Fish and Musket Cove Island Resorts Tel: +679 6666 738 Fiji’s multi award winning Dive and Watersports Company. Enjoy HALF PRICE on all diving and PADI dive courses during February and March at Beachcomber and Treasure Island Resorts.


YOUNG TRAVELLERS TOURS MELBOURNE Ph - 0488 002 212 Fun original tours along the Great Ocean Road and Phillip Island! One day tour from $90 OCEAN SAFARI CAPE TRIBULATION The Boardwalk Café, Cape Tribulation Rd, Cape Tribulation Tel: 07 4098 0006 Fax: 07 4098 0195 The Great Barrier Reef in just 25 minutes, join our half day Eco Tour for an exhilarating ride of your life and two hours of pristine snorkelling at Mackay and Undine reefs.


AUSTRALIA OCEAN RAFTING WHITSUNDAYS The Jetty, Coral Sea Resort, Airlie Beach Tel: 07 4946 6848 Fax: 07 4946 1488 Each Ocean Rafting day includes a visit to Whitehaven Beach, pristine snorkelling reefs and stunning national park Island walks. Whitsunday Adventure Tourism Winner 2008 and Eco accredited


MULGAS ADVENTURE 4 Traeger Avenue Alice Springs, NT, 0871 Ph: 1800 359 089

HOT AIRBALLOONING AUSTRALIA BALLOON SUNRISE PO Box 229 Yarra Glen 3775 Tel: 9730 2422 or Freecall 1800 HOTAIR (1800 468 247) .au


STAND UP PADDLE SURFING 3 Graham Colyer Drive, Agnes Water - QLD Ph: 07 4974 7874 / 07 4962 0210 Mobile: 0422 806 235


SURFING AUSTRALIA SURF CAMP AUSTRALIA 235 CLARENCE ST, SYDNEY PH: (02) 9262 1757 SURFING AUSTRALIA NATIONAL SURFSCHOOL NETWORK Tel: 07 5599 3800 Come surfing with the original surfschool network in Australia…safety and fun in the one experience

MOJOSURF 2/9 Marvel Street Ph: 02 6639 5100 Living the dream… SANCTUARY SURFERS 201 Waymouth Street Adelaide South Australia 5000 Ph: 0403 134 478



KITESURF 1770 / IKO CERTIFIED KITEBOARDING SCHOOL/CENTRE 3 Graham Colyer Drive, Agnes Water - QLD Ph: 07 4974 7874 / 07 4962 0210 Mobile: 0422 806 235

JUNGLE SURFING CANOPY TOURS PO Box 117 Port Douglas, Queensland Ph: 07 4098 0043


NEW ZEALAND SHOTOVER JET The World’s Most Exciting Jet Boat Ride, and the only company permitted to operate in the spectacular Shotover River Canyons.

Shotover Jet Beach, Gorge Road Arthurs Point, Queenstown, New Zealand Free Phone (NZ only): 0800 SHOTOVER Phone: +64 3 442 8570 Fax: +64 3 442 7467

ROLLERBLADING AUSTRALIA ROLLERBLADING.COM.AU Lessons in Sydney and Melbourne Purchase lessons online Ph: 0411872022


Fox Glacier Guiding 44 Main Rd, Po Box 38, Fox Glacier, New Zealand Tel: +64 3 751 0825 Freephone (NZ only): 0800 111 600 Fax: +64 3 751 0857 Take a breathtaking guided trip on the West Coast’s longest and less crowded glacier amidst fascinating ice formations with NZ’s most experienced glacier guiding company. Offering a full range of trips to suit all fitness levels.



MAD DOG RIVERBOARDING 37 Shotover Street Queenstown New Zealand Ph: +64 3442 7797


MAD DOG RIVERBOARDING 73 Ninth Avenue, Joslin, Adelaide, South Australia, 5070 Ph: (08) 8363 1788


AJ HACKETT CAIRNS Mc Gregor Road Smithfield, QLD 4878 Ph: (07) 4057 7188 Free call: 1800 622 888 (Aus only)


CRYSTAL BALLS Our resident psychic, Crystal, tells you your fortune for this week a month to be bored rigid in

narcotics than Scarface.

to keep fit by dancing – and


was great and you made a load

never having to wash your

YOU will see several flashing

of new Irish friends, but the

(non-existent) clothes.

lights appear in the night sky

time has come for you to stop

and believe you’ve had your

pretending you’re Irish as well.


first contact with an alien

YOUR career is going nowhere


and the lack of direction and

Calling yourself Ronan, dying your beard ginger and talking

get-up-and-go in your life is

You will muse about how many

like a sub-standard Frank

making people compare you to

other planets are inhabited

Carson impersonator will just

that American woman who sat

and whether we will soon live

make people think you’re a tit.

on her toilet for two years.

together in perfect harmony.

THE NIGHTS are drawing in

You also need to get out for

It is my job to forewarn you

and the picture-postcard image

your own good before you get

that it’s all a load of absolute

of Australia full of bikini-clad

stuck. Give up on (your current

bollocks. Anything Robbie


beauties and striking sunsets

way of) life and try something

Williams believes in should be

YOU need to realise quickly

will soon be a thing of the past.


given no respect.

that you’ll never be a surf dude.

You can either spend your



Anyone with a public school

money on the coats, hats and

IF YOU spent as many hours

YOUR obsession with the idea

education, an accent posher

scarves necessary to make the

working as you do sneakily

of good and bad karma will

than James Hewitt and a trip

Australian winter bearable – or

perusing internet sites you

plumb new depths this week.

paid for by daddy’s share

spend it on a one-way ticket to

might actually have made


something of your life by now.


You’re still allowed in Irish bars if you’re not Irish, you know.

portfolio is repulsive to chilled A belief that everything bad

out bronzed beauties who just

that happens to you is because

live for the waves.


Is your fantasy football team or

of previous indiscretions

WITH the new seasons of

drunken pictures of old school-

has turned you into Mother

The only wipe-out you’re

rugby league, union and AFL

mates on Facebook really that


familiar with is the Nineties

now behind us you will attempt


to prove your manliness by

game show hosted by Bob If you stopped helping old

Monkhouse and the only swell will come from your sun burn.

fronting-up against Australia’s

I know there is a certain

ladies across the road and

marauding meatheads.

voyueristic pleasure in checking

offering to take pictures for

up on everyone you have ever

Japanese tourists, you may


You think you ooze machismo

known’s life – but what about

actually make some friends and

YOU will accept your soul mate

as your lace up your boots but

living your own?

get laid.

is out there and this week start

amounts of blood. Your mouth



is writing cheques your body

“WE COME together cos

YOUR often repeated assertion

can’t cash.

opposites attract” said Paula

that ‘you know you’ve had a

You need to remember the

Abdul and MC Skat Kat - but

good night out when you can’t

old adage ‘if you don’t buy a


you should ignore all advice

remember a thing’ means

ticket, you won’t win the raffle’

“A GREAT philosopher once

from mentally deranged

you can’t remember a single

and even if the person you

wrote – naughty, naughty very

American divas and animated

weekend since 1999 and will

jump into bed with isn’t ‘the

naughty.” The words of The


finally get you into trouble.

one’ then they can at least be

sharp focus as you toy with

You’re attractive, fun and

Police are uninterested whether

the idea of showing the leering

normal – why not go out with

or not you remember the fact

Tall, short, fat, thin, dark, fair,

letches of Australia your most

someone who shares similar

you went on a killing spree

mouthy, mute – just fill your

private parts.

qualities rather than someone

which wiped out a quarter of

boots me laddo because with

who looks like they sleep in

Australia’s population while

a face like that, opportunities

a dustbin and ingests more

fuelled by a 20-drug cocktail.

won’t come a knocking often.

to step up the hunt for your

you’re soon oozing copious

Shamen’s Mr C will come into

Either get hundreds of dollars 64

Capricorn THAT night in Scruffy Murphy’s

an office or thousands a week

special someone.

eliminated from your inquiries.


Free Stuff







Award-winning hostel located in the heart of tropical Cairns

northern nor northe orthern thern ern n greenhouse green gre reenhouse nhouse ouse us CAIRNS CAIRNS

117 Grafton G afton Street treet Cairns, Ca rns, QLD Q D 4870 487 Free F ee Call Ca 1800 000 0 541 no hern@friendlygrou northern@fr Tel. 07 4047 7200 el. 4

Bragging Rights

ASK CRYSTAL me all the time, but my feelings

Unfortunately it seems as

answer my calls and e-mails. I

run deeper and I think I’m in love

if you’re clearly far too sweet

just don’t know what I did wrong.

with her. I’ve been nothing but

to possess either and may be

Any ideas? Should I give up

a complete gentleman, but it

forced to settle for the fat Goth


seems like she’s a little bit of a

geek with braces instead.

Denzil, Darwin

wild girl. Should I try a different approach?

Dear Crystal,

Dear Denzil,

AFTER meeting a girl on an

IDEAS? Well I’ve got a few. How

internet dating site we seemed

about the thought she doesn’t

to click immediately and wrote to

fancy sticking her tongue into

each other regularly for a month.

a something that smells like a

Brett, Brisbane

Dear Crystal,

Dear Brett,

I HAVE recently met the girl of

FIRST of all, Brett, I share a

my dreams and we get on like a

deep love of one thing with every

house on fire.

female on the planet – money,

racoon’s arse and tastes worse. We then decided to meet in person. The conversation was

and lots of it. Deep down I think she feels the

What about the fact your back

pleasant and I thought it couldn’t

has more hair than a brown bear,

same way, but I’m afraid she is

There is nothing that turns a

have gone any better, but my

you haven’t changed your boxers

a bit out of my league and may

girl on faster than a wallet full

hopes of physical contact in

in six weeks and you’re sniffing

give me a crushing rejection.

of platinum credit cards – well,

the form of a hug or kiss were

around at least another dozen

apart from maybe a bad boy with

dashed at the end of the night.

girls online?

What is my best approach to

an expensive coke habit. The same thing happened on

get my dream girl? She flirts with

Do you have a pressing problem that needs Crystal’s attention? If so, e-mail

These are all just suggestions

the second, third and fourth

of course. Apart from all that,

dates and then she refused to

you’re quite a catch.


JOKES MY WIFE woke me up in the middle of the night and whispered: “I think there’s something going on downstairs!” “Alright,” I replied. “Get your fanny out, and we’ll see.” “Not that you daft git, I mean I think there’s an intruder in the living room!” “I know what you meant, but if there is I want to scare him off!” John, Wollongong WAKING the Dead. One letter away from being the most controversial show on TV. Jack, Chicago BBC NEWS: “Lady Gaga drops Facebook for charity.” She should think about dropping her knickers, for clarity. Peter, Yorkshire WHEN I was at school, the other pupils voted me: “Pupil most likely to end up in a mental institution.” They got that wrong! Turns out I’m actually: “Pupil who didn’t die in a mysterious school arson attack.” Dexy, Surry Hills


HERE’S a picture of me with the band REM. That’s me in the corner. Timothy, Perth I JUST love the smell of grannies cooking. That’s why I torched the old peoples’ home. Ted, Leeds I USED to be really good at reading braille. But I lost my touch. Rick, Darwin I WON’T be abbreviating Elton John’s name and title. No Sir E. Jimbo, Townsville BEING wanked off and cooking are pretty similar. Plenty of people will do it for you but your nan does it best. Sam, Derby A MUTE incontinent. Goes without saying. Roger, Randwick


SCOREBOARD ENGLISH LEAGUES PREMIER LEAGUE Pl Manchester United 15 Chelsea 15 Arsenal 15 Manchester City 15 Tottenham Hotspur 15 Bolton Wanderers 15 Sunderland 15 Stoke City 15 Newcastle United 15 Liverpool 15 Blackpool 15 West Bromwich Albion 15 Blackburn Rovers 15 Birmingham City 15 Aston Villa 15 Everton 15 Fulham 15 Wigan Athletic 15 Wolverhampton Wanderers 15 West Ham United 15

W 8 9 9 7 7 5 4 6 5 5 5 5 5 3 4 3 2 3 3 2

D 7 2 2 5 4 8 8 2 4 4 4 4 3 8 5 7 9 5 3 6

L 0 4 4 3 4 2 3 7 6 6 6 6 7 4 6 5 4 7 9 7

+/19 19 15 8 3 6 1 0 1 -2 -6 -6 -7 -2 -7 -2 -3 -15 -10 -12


CHAMPIONSHIP Pts 31 29 29 26 25 23 20 20 19 19 19 19 18 17 17 16 15 14 12 12

Queens Park Rangers Cardiff City Swansea City Derby County Norwich City Coventry City Burnley Leeds United Nottingham Forest Doncaster Rovers Reading Barnsley Portsmouth Leicester City Watford Millwall Ipswich Town Bristol City Hull City Sheffield United Scunthorpe United Crystal Palace Middlesbrough Preston North End

Pl 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19 19

W 11 11 10 9 8 9 7 8 6 7 6 7 7 7 6 6 7 6 5 6 6 6 5 4

D 8 3 3 3 6 3 8 5 9 6 8 5 4 4 6 6 3 5 7 4 2 2 3 3

L 0 5 6 7 5 7 4 6 4 6 5 7 8 8 7 7 9 8 7 9 11 11 11 12

+/26 14 8 10 5 4 7 0 4 1 6 -5 -1 -7 2 0 -5 -6 -6 -11 -9 -12 -10 -15

Pts 41 36 33 30 30 30 29 29 27 27 26 26 25 25 24 24 24 23 22 22 20 20 18 15

Pl Brighton and Hove 18 Charlton Athletic 18 AFC Bournemouth 18 Sheffield Wednesday 18 Huddersfield Town 18 Oldham Athletic 18 Colchester United 18 Southampton 18 Carlisle United 18 Peterborough United 18 Exeter City 18 Milton Keynes Dons FC 18 Brentford 18 Hartlepool United 17 Rochdale 18 Plymouth Argyle 18 Bristol Rovers 18 Tranmere Rovers 18 Leyton Orient 18 Swindon Town 18 Notts County 17 Dagenham & Redbridge 18 Yeovil Town 18 Walsall 18

W 10 9 8 9 9 7 7 8 7 8 7 8 7 6 5 6 5 6 5 5 6 3 4 4

D 6 5 6 3 2 8 8 4 6 2 5 2 4 5 7 4 7 4 6 6 1 6 3 2


L 2 4 4 6 7 3 3 6 5 8 6 8 7 6 6 8 6 8 7 7 10 9 11 12

+/17 7 16 14 9 6 2 10 8 -3 -4 -5 0 -4 2 -6 -7 -7 0 -4 -7 -13 -16 -15

Pts 36 32 30 30 29 29 29 28 27 26 26 26 25 23 22 22 22 22 21 21 19 15 15 14

Port Vale Chesterfield Bury Shrewsbury Town Rotherham United Torquay United Wycombe Wanderers Cheltenham Town Crewe Alexandra Macclesfield Town Stevenage Football Club Aldershot Town Burton Albion Accrington Stanley Bradford City Gillingham Southend United Oxford United Lincoln City Stockport County Morecambe Northampton Town Barnet Hereford United

Pl 18 18 18 18 18 18 18 17 18 18 18 18 18 18 18 18 17 18 18 18 18 18 18 18

W 10 10 10 9 8 7 7 7 6 7 5 5 5 4 6 5 5 5 5 4 4 4 4 3

D 6 5 4 5 7 7 7 5 7 4 9 7 6 9 3 6 5 5 4 7 6 6 4 6

L 2 3 4 4 3 4 4 5 5 7 4 6 7 5 9 7 7 8 9 7 8 8 10 9

+/17 15 15 13 8 9 6 -1 12 -3 5 -6 1 -1 -4 -5 -2 -3 -12 -18 -7 -9 -14 -16

L 1 1 2 4 3 4 5 5 6 6 6 6 6 5 7 8 7 9 6 7

+/30 22 14 0 6 2 5 -2 0 -2 -1 -2 -6 -5 -8 -9 -10 -12 -11 -11

Pts 36 35 34 32 31 28 28 26 25 25 24 22 21 21 21 21 20 20 19 19 18 18 16 15


FOCUS ON... LA LIGA OK, WE did La Liga last week and had a bit on El Clasica, but Barcelona bloody hammered Real Madrid 5-0. Five bloody nil! Crikey. Before that, the worst hammering Jose Mourinho had faced in his managerial career was a trio of 3-0 defeats – one of which was during his time as Chelsea manager when they were bizarrely thumped by Middlesbrough. In fact, it’s been a bad week all round for The Special One, who was hit with a one-match ban by UEFA following his ‘deliberate bookings’ idea for the club’s last

Champion’s League match. Seeing as Madrid have already qualified for the next stage we’re not sure what the point is - but we’re sure he’s learnt his lesson. Naughty Jose. Also, Ronaldo’s injured and Gonzalo Higuain could be out for months. In the Barcelona camp, The Daily Mirror reckon manager Pep Guardiola wants to move to Manchester United so he can learn off Fergie before taking over as boss - which, even United fans have to admit, is a frankly hilarious piece of tabloid cack.

SERIE A AC Milan Lazio Juventus Napoli Internazionale Palermo AS Roma Sampdoria Udinese Chievo Catania Genoa Cagliari Fiorentina Parma Bologna Brescia Cesena Lecce Bari

Pl 14 14 14 14 14 14 14 14 14 13 14 14 14 14 14 13 14 14 14 14

W 9 8 6 7 6 7 6 4 6 5 4 5 4 4 3 3 3 3 3 2

D 3 3 6 3 5 2 4 8 2 4 6 3 5 4 6 5 3 3 3 4

LA LIGA L 2 3 2 4 3 5 4 2 6 4 4 6 5 6 5 5 8 8 8 8

+/11 6 12 6 8 6 0 3 1 2 0 -3 2 -1 -5 -7 -6 -8 -16 -11

Pts 30 27 24 24 23 23 22 20 20 19 18 18 17 16 15 14 12 12 12 10

FC Barcelona Real Madrid Villarreal CF RCD Espanyol Valencia CF RCD Mallorca Atlético Madrid Sevilla FC Real Sociedad Athletic Bilbao Getafe CF Osasuna Hércules CF Deportivo La Coruña Racing Santander Levante UD Sporting Gijón Málaga CF UD Almería Real Zaragoza

Pl 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13 13

W 11 10 8 8 7 6 6 6 6 6 5 4 4 3 4 3 2 3 1 1

D 1 2 3 1 3 3 2 2 1 1 2 3 3 5 2 2 4 1 6 5

Pts 34 32 27 25 24 21 20 20 19 19 17 15 15 14 14 11 10 10 9 8

SCOTTISH PREMIER Rangers Celtic Heart of Midlothian Inverness Caledonian Motherwell Kilmarnock Dundee United Hibernian St. Johnstone St. Mirren Aberdeen Hamilton Academical


Pl 14 15 14 15 14 15 14 15 15 15 15 15

W 12 11 8 7 7 6 5 4 4 3 3 2

D 1 2 2 4 2 2 4 3 3 4 1 4

L 1 2 4 4 5 7 5 8 8 8 11 9

+/19 23 9 8 6 6 -5 -8 -12 -12 -16 -18

Pts 37 35 26 25 23 20 19 15 15 13 10 10


FOOTBALL RESULTS Thursday, 2 December Uefa Europa League BATE Borisov 1-4 Dynamo Kiev Borussia Dortmund 3-0 Karpaty Lviv CSKA Moscow 5-1 Lausanne Sports CSKA Sofia 1-2 Besiktas FC Sheriff Tiraspol 1-1 AZ Alkmaar FC Utrecht 3-3 Napoli Palermo 2-2 Sparta Prague PAOK Salonika 1-1 Club Bruges Paris SG 4-2 Sevilla Rapid Vienna 1-3 FC Porto Steaua Bucharest 1-1 Liverpool | Report Villarreal 3-0 Dinamo Zagreb Wednesday, 1 December Uefa Europa League AA Gent 1-0 Levski Sofia Atletico Madrid 2-3 Aris Salonika FC Metalist Kharkiv 2-1 Debrecen Hajduk Split 1-3 AEK Athens Lech Poznan 1-1 Juventus Man City 3-0 Red Bull Salzburg | Report Odense BK 1-1 Getafe Rosenborg 0-1 Bayer Leverkusen Sampdoria 1-2 PSV Eindhoven Sporting 1-0 Lille Young Boys 4-2 VfB Stuttgart Zenit St Petersburg 3-1 Anderlecht Carling Cup Birmingham 2-1 Aston Villa Ipswich 1-0 West Brom Tuesday, 30 November Carling Cup Arsenal 2-0 Wigan West Ham 4-0 Man Utd Johnstone’s Paint Trophy Carlisle 3-1 Sheff Wed Blue Square Premier Kidderminster 0-0 York Monday, 29 November The FA Cup Droylsden 1-1 Leyton Orient Npower Championship Leicester 1-0 Nott’m Forest Sunday, 28 November Barclays Premier League Newcastle 1-1 Chelsea Tottenham 2-1 Liverpool Npower Championship Norwich 4-1 Ipswich Saturday, 27 November Barclays Premier League Aston Villa 2-4 Arsenal Bolton 2-2 Blackpool Everton 1-4 West Brom Fulham 1-1 Birmingham Man Utd 7-1 Blackburn Stoke 1-1 Man City West Ham 3-1 Wigan Wolverhampton 3-2 Sunderland The FA Cup AFC Wimbledon 0-2 Stevenage Brighton 1-1 FC United of Manchester Burton Albion 3-1 Chesterfield Bury 1-2 Peterborough Carlisle 3-2 Tamworth Charlton 2-2 Luton Colchester 1-0 Swindon Supermarine Darlington 0-2 York Dover 2-0 Aldershot Hereford 2-2 Lincoln City Huddersfield 6-0 Macclesfield Sheff Wed 3-2 Northampton Southampton 3-0 Cheltenham Torquay 1-0 Walsall Wycombe 3-1 Chelmsford Npower Championship Barnsley 0-0 Watford Bristol City 3-0 Sheff Utd Burnley 2-1 Derby Crystal Palace 1-0 Doncaster Middlesbrough 2-2 Hull Preston 0-0 Millwall QPR 2-1 Cardiff Reading 0-0 Leeds United Scunthorpe 0-2 Coventry


Npower League One Rochdale 1-1 Oldham Npower League Two Morecambe 1-2 Crewe Clydesdale Bank Premier League Celtic 2-2 Inverness CT Hamilton 0-0 St Mirren Hibernian 0-0 St Johnstone Kilmarnock 2-0 Aberdeen Blue Square Premier Cambridge Utd 4-0 Altrincham Forest Green 2-2 Rushden & D’mnds Newport County 2-1 Hayes & Yeading Wrexham 1-1 Mansfield Blue Square North AFC Telford 1-0 Guiseley Blue Square South Bishop’s Stortford 0-0 Maidenhead Utd Farnborough 2-2 Welling Staines Town 4-4 Braintree Town Thurrock 3-1 Lewes Woking 2-2 Dartford Carling Premiership Ballymena 1-1 Crusaders Coleraine 1-3 Portadown Dungannon Swifts 0-1 Cliftonville Glentoran 2-0 Newry Lisburn Distillery 0-4 Linfield Wednesday, 24 November Uefa Champions League Hapoel Tel-Aviv 3-0 Benfica Inter Milan 1-0 FC Twente Panathinaikos 0-3 Barcelona Rangers 0-1 Man Utd Rubin Kazan 1-0 FC Copenhagen Schalke 04 3-0 Lyon Tottenham 3-0 Werder Bremen Valencia 6-1 Bursaspor The FA Carlsberg Trophy Witton Albion 1-2 Harrogate Town Tuesday, 23 November Uefa Champions League Ajax 0-4 Real Madrid Auxerre 0-2 AC Milan Basle 1-0 CFR 1907 Cluj-Napoca Braga 2-0 Arsenal Chelsea 2-1 MSK Zilina Partizan Belgrade 0-3 Shakhtar Donetsk Roma 3-2 Bayern Munich Spartak Moscow 0-3 Marseille Npower League One Bournemouth 2-0 Yeovil Carlisle 1-1 Rochdale Charlton 1-1 Bristol Rovers Colchester 0-2 Brentford Huddersfield 4-1 MK Dons Notts County 1-0 Swindon Oldham 3-3 Exeter Peterborough 2-2 Leyton Orient Plymouth 2-1 Dag & Red Sheff Wed 3-0 Walsall Southampton 0-0 Brighton Tranmere 0-1 Hartlepool Npower League Two Barnet 1-2 Gillingham Bradford 1-1 Accrington Stan|ey Burton Albion 1-2 Aldershot Chesterfield 1-2 Oxford Utd Lincoln City 0-5 Bury Macclesfield 0-2 Cheltenham Rotherham 2-2 Northampton Shrewsbury 4-0 Hereford Stevenage 1-1 Southend Stockport 0-5 Port Vale Wycombe 1-3 Torquay The FA Carlsberg Trophy Chasetown 4-0 Workington Ebbsfleet United 4-0 Bromley Grays Athletic 0-1 Cirencester Hampton & Richmond 2-0 Bognor Regis Town Northwich 1-0 Whitby Monday, 22 November Barclays Premier League Sunderland 2-2 Everton

FANTASY FOOTBALL $1000 IN BAR TABS UP FOR GRABS! CHECK out BBM’s fantasy league table at http:// for all the latest results and standings. Table below was up to date at time of going to press.

Prizes (in PJ O’Briens bar tabs) are: First: $400 Second: $250 Third: $150 Fourth: $100







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FUN as it was watching Alastair Cook and Jonathan Trott spank the Aussie attack all over the ground last week, watching Mitchell Johnson holding back tears did get a bit boring after a while.

BEING American, Ashley Kerekes from Massachusetts is naturally ignorant of the rest of the world, preferring instead to lock herself in a room chanting “YOO-ESS-AAY! YOO-ESS-AYY!” over and over until she’s frothing at the mouth.

So hats off to David Gower for unintentionally injecting a bit of excitement into the commentary last week.

Naturally, therefore, when she was given an affectionate, if slightly odd, nickname of The Ashes by her husband, she didn’t think anything of using it as her Twitter account name. Alas, the full weight of her decision was finally realised last week as cricket fans who typed @theashes ended up accidentally bombarding her with messages. At first, she was calm enough about it. Sending a polite message of “I’m not the cricket feed” to those who had stumbled across her. When it continued, she was slightly sterner, saying: “Check profiles before you send mentions, it’s


“Well, so far, so good then for England,’’ Gower described to the Sky Sports audience, “after… AAAAAGGGHHH!’’

incredibly annoying and rude.” Being a mischievous lot, it only seemed to encourage Ashes fans – who then began messaging her deliberately for updates. Finally, she cracked. “I AM NOT A FREAKING CRICKET MATCH!!!!!” she tweeted. It prompted one follower to respond: “We know, you’re a five-day series of cricket matches, specifically between England and Australia.” Nice.

After a three-second pause, the bubblyharied silver fox Gower regained his composure. ‘’Excuse me there, that was someone putting a chair on my foot. I’ll give you a clue, it was Nasser Hussain,’’ he explained. Cue much stifled mirth in the commentary box and Michael Atherton chipping in with: “Gower hobbles away…” The miracle of modern media meant it was on YouTube within half an hour. Later, Gower said on air that he had a throbbing sensation – we usually get the same thing online.

PONTING CHOPS OFF JOHNSON AS WE write this, we’re practically moist with excitement after Australia’s Adelaide Test collapse on the opeing day which saw them lose three wickets for two runs in three overs. Yes it seems it’s not quite going according to plan for the Aussies. It certainly isn’t for Mitchell Johnson, who was dropped for the second Test following his shocking performance at Brisbane. While this was not wholly unexpected, what was something of a surprise was Johnson having angry words with selector Greg Chappell leading to yet more rumours of a growing rift in the camp. And it seems Ricky Ponting wasn’t too chuffed with the decision to drop Mitchell either. “I’m not a selector,” said Ponting. “We have the four selectors. The coach isn’t one, either. So when there’s a big decision like this they are wholly and solely made by the selection panel. Of course they ask for the coach’s input and my input but they are the ones who make the decisions. Sometimes it doesn’t matter what I think.” Well that’s that fire put out Ricky. Well done. 70



IF THERE was a down side to England’s hilarious second innings walloping of Australia in the first Test, it’s that it’s shown the Aussies that maybe, just maybe, they should take a look at bringing in some new bowlers.

TEST DATES 3–7 December (Adelaide, Adelaide Oval)

OK Peter Siddle got a hat-trick, but he was supposed to be the lucky one to be in the squad. Instead it was the Australians’ allegedly most-devestating combo of Ben Hilfenhaus and Mitchell Johnson who struggled with the ball. And in Johnson’s case, saying he struggled with the ball is a bit of understatement. It’s like saying the Nazis found it a tad difficult to take Stalingrad.

16–20 December (Perth, WACA Ground) 26–30 December (Melbourne, Melbourne Cricket Ground)

In 42 overs, Johnson, once the great white hope of the Aussie pace attack, was smashed for 170 runs – and took zilch wickets. In fact, in his six Tests against England he’s come up with a pant-wetting average of just 41.05.

3–7 January (Sydney, Sydney Cricket Ground)

And did anyone see that wide he bowled? Jesus. We’ve seen Emile Heskey come closer to hitting the mark. It seems the spirit of Steve Harmison lives on… or rather not seeing as Johnson was dumped for the Adelaide Test. Anyway, it got us to thinking – just who are the worst Test bowlers of all time? Obviously, some guys have terrrible figures after only playing one or two Tests, so to sort out the one-off crap from the genuinely dog shit, we’ve only taken into account players who’ve bowled over 2000 balls. Here you go…


Winning by a country mile is a former Sri Lankan leg-spinner who not only has the worst average in history but also the hardest name to pronounce in cricket. Played 10 Tests between 1985 and 1991, taking just eight wickets. Known as Asoka de Silva, he would later also become one of the worst umpires the modern game has seen, with commentators calling him “A Shocker de Silva.”



Slightly unfortunate to be on the list, seeing as he was a part-timer, but just goes to show how bad the Sri Lankan guy is. Playing for India between 1959 and 1971, Jaisimha bowled 2097 balls in Tests, taking nine wickets.


Just when the art of the leg-spinner was on its arse, along came Shane Warne and Ian Salisbury to revive it. Who was the best out of the two? Only time will tell. But Salisbury has a bit of catching up to do having taken only 20 wickets compared to Shane’s 708.


Never has the title “all-rounder” been less well deserved. Usually it’s an excuse for someone to have slightly worse than average figures with the bat and the ball. Harris’s bowling figures aren’t worse than average though, they’re absolute dog shit.



Another spinner. We’re seeing a trend here. An average of one wicket for every Test he played (11 in total) between 1973 and 1976. Was equally crap with the bat with an average of 9.29.


WORLD SPORT SNOOKER: They played each other in the UK Championship final 20 years ago and now perennial old bastards Jimmy White and Stephen Hendry are set to square up in the competition. Being old and decrepit now, though, it’s obviously not in the final – they’ve just been paired together for the first round tomorrow (Sunday). White, now ranked 64 in the world, won the recent World Seniors title after his opponent in the final accidentally wet

BOXING: Whether Audley Harrison’s performance against David Haye can technically be classed as boxing is up for debate but apparently the big wuss says he’s not going to retire from doing whatever the hell it is he keeps attempting to do. The 39-year-old was strongly criticised after being stopped in the third round having thrown only one

himself while stretching for a long shot on the black. It’s possible we made a bit of that up. The last bit mainly. The nine-day tournament also sees threetime world champion and 1998 UK Championship winner John Higgins play his first tournament following a six-month ban for being a match-fixing bastard. He’ll take on hog-faced Stephen Lee in the first round.

punch – which we suspect only came when he saw a moth flying around and got scared. “Both styles of feinting and moving was offsetting the both of us in the first two rounds and I was just zoning in on his rhythm when he got through,” lied Harrison unconvincingly.

UFC 124 Georges St. Pierre vs. Josh Koscheck Koscheck has really improved in all aspects, however he will fall prey to GSP’s aggressive stand up striking. Sean McCorkle vs. Stefan Struve McCorkle may be undefeated, but Struve has a huge reach advantage and will deliver some killer strikes. Jim Miller vs. Charles Oliveira Another undefeated competitor, Oliveira will keep his streak alive thanks to his powerful all-round skills. Mac Danzig vs. Joe Stevenson Fun fact, BBM once interviewed Stevenson while he was drunk. For that reason alone, he should win.

TENNIS: Moody bastard Novak Djokovic believes home support of the home crowd will be “crucial” as Serbia take on France in the Davis Cup final in Belgrade. The Davis Cup final, which BBM can never recall Britain getting even remotely close to kicked off early this morning (Saturday). A crowd of over 16,000 was

expected to pack into the Belgrade Arena when play gets under way with the opening singles on Friday. “It’s going to be crucial for us to have very big support,” said Djokovic. “It’s going to be an unpredictable match against a very strong French team and the crowd’s support can play a key role.”

RUGBY UNION: The RFU have gone all “pure race” crazy and told players they will only be picked for England if they play for domestic clubs. RFU chief executive


Thiago Alves vs. John Howard Nice to see the former PM enjoying the retired life. Alves is determined not to lose his UFC job, and thanks to his muay thai skills, he won’t.

John Steele said players would be “entirely free to play outside England should they so wish”. But he added: “It is our absolute intention we only select from overseas clubs in exceptional circumstances.”

UFC PICK OF THE MONTH BBM froths at the thought of watching a UFC event on the world’s largest plasma screen, so imagine our excitement when we discovered that The Light Brigade does just that. The Light Brigade will be broadcasting UFC 124 on December 12 live from 2pm, with a special deal of a bucket of 4 Coronas buckets for only $25. In addition to UFC, the Light Brigade regularly screen major boxing events on the massive plasma. Catch UFC 124 live at 2A Oxford St Woollahra - get in early for a seat!





GOALS GALORE! BBM’S none-football appreciating friends have always used the excuse that scoreless draws are the reason they can’t stand football. Because then it ends up being a game where players just past the ball around for more than an hour. Well, obviously they have not watched football lately. Calculating the average of the 41 goals scored on last weekend’s Premier League, it would be four goals a game and for the first time in history, every Premier League club scored at least once in their match. We’re sure that will cheer up those Blackburn fans following their 7-1 walloping to Man United. But what makes football so special, compared to say rugby league, is that scoring a goal means so much more than scoring a try. In the past one goal was often enough to win a game. It seems more recently, however, teams need to score at least twice to get home. Take Arsenal’s match against Aston Villa. When Arsene Wenger saw his side


leading 2-0 he was probably getting that deja vu feeling. After recent results, he knows a two-goal lead is no guarantee of success. Lucky for him, goals three and four came, he breathed a little easier and was able to drink the water bottle, instead of throwing it to the ground like a petulant child. Yes, Arsene Wenger you are spared a week of making excuses for your team. Then there was United who scored seven goals and now sit comfortably on top of the table. Goal difference isn’t going to keep them off top anymore. Remember when scoring hat-tricks was a big deal? Well what’s the name for scoring five? Berbatov (pictured

below) who has been dormant for a while provided an eruption of goals on Saturday. Yes, Sir Alex Ferguson I know you are sitting quite comfortable on your throne sipping red wine. However, this season’s surprise team of comeback kings are none other than Tottenham. They have had games where they missed penalties and been behind by two goals and still managed to salvage something, and in some cases win. Situations that usually depress and demotivate players seem to, no pun intended, spur on Tottenham. They’re well-deserving of their Champions League adventure but the big surprise is they’re juggling their fixture pile-up with relative success.




THE WORLD BLAME GAME FIFA’S brave quest to sweep the game of corruption continued this week with their decision to take on and clean up the notoriously bribe-ridden Russia and the ethicallyquestionable summer furnace of Qatar. To the cynics, it might look like FIFA have rewarded these two countries for their dubious negotiating skills and questionable moral code by giving them the World Cup hosting rights for 2018 and 2022 in favour of the vast range of more suitable options (England, Spain/Portugal, Australia, America etc). But we’re sure Sepp Blatter and the FIFA boys ignored the vast sums of money they were undoubtedly offered by Russian and Qatar delegates and instead chose them for their many other great qualities. Admittedly, we’re struggling to think of any but we’re sure there are some. Well done lads.

MARK Hughes has finally claimed victory in his quest to crush Mark Schwarzer’s dream of playing for a decent club after the 38-year-old Socceroo penned a new deal at Fulham.

DAVID “you are” Gold hasn’t had much luck so far as West Ham co-owner so you can imagine his delight when the Hammers smashed Man Utd 4-0 in the Carling Cup

in midweek. Well no actually. He missed it because his car was stuck in snow. “To miss that game was awful,” he whined. “When we went 2-0 up, I couldn’t believe it. I was jumping up and down in the car like a maniac.”

DELUDED Arsenal star Denilson genuinely believes the Gunners can win every piece of silverware on offer this season. “If we focus on every single game we have a chance to win not only the Carling Cup, but also the FA Cup, the Champions League and the Premier League, which are more important for us,” he frothed.

THE FA weren’t impressed by Birmingham fans’ attempts to rush on to the pitch and offer their commiserations to Aston Villa supporters following their Carling Cup tie last week. “We wholly condemn the actions of any individuals who have been involved in the scenes of disorder,” said an FA suit.

PREMIER League stalwarts turned lower division also-rans, Charlton Athletic, have accepted a takeover bid led by former CEO Peter Varney. “It is anticipated that completion of the acquisition will take place no later than 24 December,” said a faceless Addicks yes man.


ITALIAN chancers Bologna have been deducted one point because of unpaid taxes. The heavy punishment means the Serie A side have slipped from 16th place in the table all the way down to, well, 16th place.

THE curse of Ray Wilkins may soon be lifted off Chelsea after the club “amicably resolved” their dispute with the former Blues assistant coach. “I’d like to thank the club and the LMA for ensuring a swift and harmonious conclusion,” said the slaphead, who claimed he was unfairly dismissed. “It has obviously been a big wrench leaving such an illustrious club and one which has played such a huge role in my playing and coaching career.”

GORDON Strachan could be set to run with his tail between his legs back to Scotland after being installed as the favourite to become the new Aberdeen manager.

GIOVANNI Trapattoni has taken a 100,000 euro (£84,000) a year pay cut to express his solidarity with the Irish public following their economic bail-out. He’ll still be taking home £1.7m a year, mind.

with ace pundit Chris Kamara

“RYMAN League Premier Division side Croydon Athletic have made the front pages of several Denmark newspapers this week after a bunch of Danish football fans, who are obsessed with English football, took control of the club. Fodboldsekskabet A/S, as the group call themselves, will work alongside current Croydon owner Mazhar Majeed, who will retain 49 per cent of the ownership. The company, headed by Palle Rasmussen and Christopher Baadsgaard, is made up of over 400 Danish investors. Unbelievable Jeff!


QUOTES OF THE WEEK “When the chips are down, the top dogs usually come up smelling of roses.” Neil Warnock manages to mix not one, not two - but three metaphors.

“I would not dignify you with my spit. You’re garbage.” Fifa vice-president Jack Warner shows their no hard feelings with BBC Panorama reporter Andrew Jennings.

“Although it’s corrupt, it’s only corrupt if you get caught.” Tonga’s suspended delegate Ahongalu Fusimalohi offers an interesting take on the situation.

“I noticed Dimitar Berbatov scored five on Saturday. Let’s see if he can score five against us. I don’t think so.” Blackpool defender Ian Evatt throws down the gauntlet. The use of ‘noticed’ has to be admired - remarkably condescending given that Berbatov has probably never heard of Evatt.

“United may have beaten Blackburn 7-1 but they have not come to Bloomfield Road yet.” This Evatt lad really is talking up a good game. United must be shitting themselves...

“Grant Holt was unplayable and Chris Martin did well for the last two goals, he was like Lionel Messi.” Norwich boss Paul Lambert enjoys several drinks after the derby victory against Ipswich.

“We went to train on the beach last year, but it was frozen so we went to the casino instead, got the bacon sandwiches in and organised a poker tournament, which they loved. But that’s not exactly what you need to do before you play Manchester United, is it?” Ian Holloway plots Man United’s downfall.




LINEKER IN THE BROWN STUFF GARY Lineker shit himself playing for England at the World Cup. We don’t mean he was scared or felt nervous or anything like that - the bra-model banger literally shit in his pants while playing up front during Italia 90. There have been rumours for years that the jug-eared Walkers-hawker had a case of the squits during the group game against Ireland, but he’s finally come clean (cough) this week. “I was not very well, I was poorly at half-time, there was a ball down the left-hand side,

I tried to tackle someone, stretched, and then relaxed myself,” said Lineker (pictured with his bramodel wife) in an interview with the BBC to mark his 50th birthday. “I was very fortunate it rained that night as it allowed me to do something about it, but it was messy - it just happened. I tell you I have never had so much space in a match as I did after that.” Naturally, BBM immediately studied the footage on YouTube

and in the light of the revelations, he can quite clearly be seen mouthing the words “I’ve shit myself” before shuffling his arse along the floor like a dog and trying to wipe his hands on the wet grass. Fucking hilarious. So in a fitting tribute to Lineker’s honesty, BBM has come up with the top five things that almost made us wet ourselves laughing while watching football…


Saturday 4th December Barclays Premier League Arsenal v Fulham Birmingham v Tottenham Blackburn v Wolves Blackpool v Man Utd Chelsea v Everton Man City v Bolton Wigan Athletic v Stoke City npower Championship Cardiff City v Preston NE Coventry v Middlesbrough Derby v Norwich Doncaster v Barnsley Hull City v QPR Ipswich v Swansea City Leeds Utd v C.Palace Millwall v Scunthorpe Nottm Forest v Bristol City Portsmouth v Burnley Sheff Utd v Reading Watford v Leicester


CHRIS BRASS Playing against Darlington in 2005, former Bury defender Brass decided to try and clear a hopeful ball into the box by hooking it over his head. Instead he scored the funniest own goal of all time by smashing the ball straight into his own face, breaking his nose and putting the ball into the back of the Bury net.

It’s the World Cup 2002. Brazil win a corner against Turkey and Rivaldo goes to take it. Turkey’s Hakan Unsal kicks the ball, slightly petulantly but with little power, towards Rivaldo. It bounces off his knee. The Brazil star immediately clutches his face yelling in agony and falls to the floor writhing in pain. Hilarious.

PAUL ALCOCK Paulo Di Canio is sent off by Paul Alcock against Arsenal. He’s not happy. He lightly pushes Alcock. What follows is the most undignified, unco-ordinated and drawn-out pratfall in football history as chubby git Alcock takes several seconds of comic stumbling before losing his battle with gravity.

PHIL BABB DAVID DUNN It’s the West Midlands derby betw een Aston Villa and Birmingham City and Dunn attempts to delight the Blue Noses with a bit of step-over pass trick ery. Unfortunately, not only did he miss the ball, he kicked his standing leg causing him to fall over, give the ball awa y and look like a complete tool to boot . 80


As Chelsea’s Pierluigi fires one home against Liverpool from a tight angle, Babb bravely slides in at full pace to try and block it. Unfortunately, his slide is abruptly stopped by the goalpost – with his legs either side of it. Yikes.

npower League 1 Brentford v Notts County Brighton v Colchester Bristol Rovers v Bournemouth Dag & Red v Huddersfield Exeter City v Tranmere Hartlepool v Southampton Leyton Orient v Carlisle Utd MK Dons v Plymouth Rochdale v Charlton Swindon v Sheff Weds Walsall v Oldham Yeovil v Peterborough npower League 2 Accrington v Shrewsbury Aldershot v Bradford Bury v Chesterfield Cheltenham v Lincoln City Crewe v Wycombe Gillingham v Rotherham Hereford v Morecambe Northampton v Stockport Oxford United v Barnet Port Vale v Stevenage Southend v Macclesfield Torquay v Burton Albion Clydesdale Scottish Premier Aberdeen v Celtic Hibernian v St Mirren Inverness CT v Dundee Utd Motherwell v Kilmarnock Rangers v Hearts St Johnstone v Hamilton Acd’



Contents PAGE 80 Football Top Five: Slapstick hilarity PAGE 78 Football News: The world blame game PAGE 76 Football View: With Lorna Evio PAGE 74 World Sport: UFC action PAGE 72 Ashes News: Gowerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s hit on the leg


PAGE 70 Ashes Feature: Worst ever Test bowlers



PAGES 68 & 69 Scoreboard: All the latest football results and tables


BBM Magazine December 4  

The December 4th issue of BBM Magazine.

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