UK NEWS TOPLESS OF THE CLASS IMAGINE the scene. You’re a young teenage schoolboy whose art teacher is a 32year-old former Miss UK runner-up. Well proof this week that if enough young schoolboys close their eyes and wank hard enough, wishes really do come true after topless pictures of the teacher in question were stolen by a student at Merchant Taylors’
INTELLIGENT working-class college graduates who can no longer afford to go to University due to David Cameron only wanting kids with posh parents to have a tertiary education have been offered a new option – they can run a Travelodge instead.
public school in Hertfordshire and passed around pupils for their wanking pleasure. The pictures of Joanne Salley, who used to be Miss Northern Ireland, were taken by a fellow art teacher who rather foolishly left them on a memory stick on her desk in the camera lab. “The pictures are wicked. She’s looking properly f t in
them,” said one teenager, from behind his locked bedroom door.
A BRIT OF GOOD WEATHER ACCORDING to The Sun, Britain was off cially “sizzling” last week after the old home country enjoyed its hottest day of the year so far. The temperature? It was 22C. Or, to put it another way, a typical Autumn day in Sydney. No wonder we left. And like the predictable nation of sun junkies the Brits are, everyone decided to hurtle on down to the beach to frolic in the excrement-laden waves of our polluted coastline.
LIFE’S A BEACH: Blackpool (above) in the sun last week.
For nothing says “summer in Britain” quite like queuing in sweltering hot traff c for three hours so you can watch a few used condoms f oat around on the brown-water majesty of the North Sea.
BRANSON TAKES SUB WAY HE’S at it again. Tidybearded millionaire Richard Branson, who made his vast fortune during the 80s and 90s working as a Noel-Edmonds-a-like, has stopped looking to the sky for his next publicity-gaining project and is instead heading in the opposition direction. The famous Virgin has built a fancy-shmancy submarine with “full ocean depth” capa-
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“When you think that more people have been to the moon than down to the bottom of our oceans, there is just so much to explore and discover,” said Branson (left) with that annoying grin.
bility, which means he could become the f rst person to travel to the furthest reaches of the ocean f oor.
TRAVEL PLAN
“We’re going to obviously come across some fascinating creatures and learn some fascinating things that, hopefully, will be useful for mankind.”
Five hundred school-leavers are to be given the chance to run their own discrete one-night stand and stag-dofriendly hotel as the budget chain launches a major shakeup in how it recruits potential managers. “For a lot of people the thought of that level of debt hanging over them is something that really frightens them,” said Travelodge CEO Guy Parsons, while whipping some Taiwanese kids into making cheap trainers.
GONE TO DOGS A SAD git in Lincoln is so sick of the dog crap in his local area, he’s started leaving little notes next to any rogue stools he spots. Kind of like the doggy version of toilet graff ti. Applaudable sentiments maybe, but the City of Lincoln Council’s environmental department aren’t too happy about it – as it just causes more litter in the area. “Instead, members of the public can help by observing dog owners to make sure they clean up after their pets, perhaps asking them to remove the mess if they try to leave it,” said environmental enforcement off cer Tony Garner.
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