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OCTOBER HIGHLIGHTS Robben Ford & The Renegade Creation

Are you ready to witness second to none guitar playing? See music veteran and five-time Grammy nominated Robben Ford and his new superband which is blues-driven and fiery, and sounds as if you have just walked in on a (very polished) jam session. If you love Clapton, you’ll love this. 6th & 7th Oct, Corner Hotel, $65, 7:30pm

Dean Wareham plays Galaxie 500

Former frontman and guitarist Wareham’s “haunting and inviting voice” visits Australia for the first time, playing an all G-500 set along with his wife on bass and drummer Anthony Lamarca. 11th Oct, Corner Hotel, $40, 8pm

Bloc Party DJ Set

After the UK foursome reunited in early 2011, and wind of a new album being released in the next year or so – the band is more popular than ever! This party will have you bouncing with dance anthems, indie classics, and of course, everyone’s Bloc Party favourites. 13th Oct, Glasshouse (Wollongong) $18.10, 8pm

Garden Party feat. Marcel Dettmann and Ben Klock

CONTENTS

Roll up for the second Garden party of the season – bringing Berhain (otherwise known as the Holy Land of Techno music) to Australia for the very first time. Prepare for tension-building DJ sets and techno legends playing for five hours back to back to make this party un-missable. Oct 15th, Chinese Laundry $25/45, 3pm

The Trews

Canada’s high profile rock foursome bring their unique sound back to Australia. Oct 15th, The Gaelic Club, $19.80, 8pm

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Sinden

Introducing Sinden, with his afrobeat techno and tropical bass, this performance is one of the most eagerly awaited gigs in a very long time. Oct 19th, Plan B, $13.30, 10:30pm

Agent Orange with The Meanies

The original South California underdogs. Agent Orange are a punk/surf/grind power trio who’ve gained a large, loyal following, and are always one step ahead from dollar-sign label lovers. 20th Oct, Corner Hotel, $39, 7:30pm

THE RUBY SHOES Described as ‘good music played well’, Stones influenced The Ruby Shoes, based in the UK, are an intense, upside-down and inside-out exhilarating performance of glam rock. As well as being a quality rock band, they are a refreshing honed talent in a world of ‘next big things’. 26th Oct, Revolver Upstairs, $5 10.30 - 11.15pm

Rewind 80s Festival

For those who have a weekend or weekend camping ticket, it all starts on Friday night, with gates opening at 2.00pm and the festival entertainment kicking off from 6.00pm with The Silent Disco, Live Karaoke, Live Music (bands still to be announced), Kidzone as well as the Theme Bars, Food Outlets and all traders open. The line-up includes Kool and the Gang, Sister Sledge, Kim Wilde, Human League, Banarama and Tony Hadley to name a few. 28th-30th Oct, Tickets between $66 - $217.90

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ISSUE 628

CHECK THIS OUT - SYDNEY CHECK THIS OUT - MELBOURNE INTERVIEWS EMPLOYMENT/VISAS/TAX REVIEWS MUSIC NEWS FUNNY NEWS GOSSIP TRAVEL - NEW ZEALAND ACTIVITIES & TOURS AUSTRALIA ACCOMMODATION AUSTRALIA CRYSTAL BALLS ASK CRYSTAL JOKES NEWS FROM THE UK CLASSIFIEDS BACK PAGE SPORT

BBM EDITOR Hannah Shakir hannah.shakir@what-media.com SPORTS & NEWS EDITOR Richard Gadsby richard.gadsby@what-media.com CONTRIBUTORS James Stapleton, David Mahoney, Jeremy Williams, Ella Delancey, Sarah Wilk, Ross Fisher, Robin Lewis, Ash Moore, Alex McIntyre, Fanny Frangipane, Dominic John, Jonathan Anderson, Vanessa Higgins, Hannah Beesley, Mike Kenna, Alex Hales, Conan Jal, Gwendolyn Lee, Wing Chan, Laura Matellis WEB DEVELOPMENT Luke Webber & Jess Comber HEAD DESIGNER Jess Comber jess@gowesthandbook.com FOR PRINT & WEB ADVERTISING & MARKETING Tom Shakir tom.shakir@what-media.com (02) 800 58162 FOR LISTINGS & CLASSIFIEDS email: info@what-media.com +61 (0) 2 8005 8162 PrinteD BY Spotpress

PO Box 147 LPO BOX SOUTH FREMANTLE WA 6162 P: (08) 9431 7876 F: (08) 9431 7076 W: www.bbmlive.com E: info@what-media.com TWITTER: @bbmmagazine FACEBOOK: /bbmmagazine

‘Ska Nation 2011’ presents The Planet Smashers, The Resignators, Jobstoppers + more

With 7 full-length albums already under their belt, 3rd wave ska band The Planet Crashers are entering their 16th year as a band, who’ve sold over 250,000 copies worldwide. With the release of their newest album ‘Descent into the valley of…’ they are embarking on a long awaited visit to Australia. 30th Oct, The Corner Hotel, $37.50, 7pm

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CHECK THIS OUT - SYDNEY

By Sarah Wilk & Ella Delancey

Cool Places To Get Your Photo Taken Koala Encounters:

Based in Darling Harbour, Wild Life Sydney houses many a freak of nature, including Saltwater Crocodiles, Ghost Bats and Southern Hairy-nosed Wombats but we don’t care about them, show us the koalas. You have to pay an extra fee to have your koala encounter, but it’s your duty to Australia so go and do it.

Bondi to Coogee Walk:

Get your walking booties on and take a leisurely stroll along the 6 kilometre cliff top walk from Bondi to Coogee. You get to see all the typical sandy beaches that Australia is famed for and it makes a perfect opportunity for you to rub it everyone’s faces back home. Take that suckers.

Top 5 Underground Club Nights

Manly Ferry:

You can get a return ticket on Sydney’s famous Manly Ferry for under $15 and it gives you plentiful photo opportunities. Cruising through Sydney Harbour you pass the Opera House, Sydney Harbour Bridge and you end up in Manly’s idyllic wharf. It’s best to get the ferry at sunset as Sydney often has orange sunsets to the west. If you get the ferry to work every day like me then you might be as lucky as I was to get this photo of a rainbow coming out of The Opera House. There’s one for the album.

Royal Botanic Gardens:

The Royal Botanic Gardens is a place of natural beauty right in the centre of Sydney’s CBD. If horticulture is you’re thing then you will be right at home here, with its array of native plants and animals that you’re Nan would rather see than photos of you smashed in a gutter on a Friday night. Many of the trees have been carved with traveller’s names over the years but don’t turn your back for too long, the prehistoric looking White Ibis birds might just creep up on you and they are pretty fucking ugly.

Live Music Venues Upstairs Beresford - Inspiration is drawn from various glamorous music venues in New York City, not unlike a 40s jazz club. There is an enviable air of versatility, giving rise to a new nightspot that can deliver funky club nights, intimate unplugged gigs, and rowdy rock shows all without moving a chair. Oxford Arts Factory – A multi-functional venue, inspired by Andy Warhol’s Factory in New York during the 60’s. Well worth a visit to see international and local artists perform at 500 capacity. The Basement - You can come along just for the music or you can make a proper night of it by taking in both dinner and a show where, included in one price you get entry to some hot music, and an excellent 2 course meal. Provides local and international performers 6-7 nights a week. Enmore Theatre – Located in Sydney’s unique heartland of live performance, music cinemas, restaurant, bars, cafes and hotels, The Enmore is a grand venue among Sydney gig spots; the history and the atmosphere have seen the Enmore host many famous faces playing to the 1600 capacity. The Metro - The Metro Theatre has long been Sydney’s leading independent rock venue and has played host to some of the most memorable live gigs Sydney music fans have seen and heard. It is a landmark venue for both international and local acts, being a pivotal breakthrough venue for bands as they break on to the scene.

S.A.S.H at The White Horse Spice at The Spice Cellar Chinese Laundry Garden Parties Cube at The Forbes Bad Apple at Hugos

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CHECK THIS OUT - MELBOURNE

By Jeremy Williams

Cool Places To Get Your Picture Taken 1.

AC DC Lane – Anyone who visits Melbourne will note that graffiti dominates many a wall, but why just take your picture next to any graffiti’d wall when you can take one down a Laneway named after one of Australia’s biggest exports? Many a band has headed straight to AC DC Lane for a photoshoot – so play pretend and get shooting.

2. Central Lane - Talking about popular places for band shoots – Central Lane, just off Flinders Lane is the place for bands/comedians/actors/anybodies to have a quick post cappucino photoshoot. No matter what time of day you take a walk down Central Lane, you are guaranteed to spot someone having their picture taken. We suggest you try crashing the shoot – but if that doesn’t work, simply shoot a replica. 3. Ramsay Street – Really this should be at number 1, but many of you will have already paid up and headed off on a Neighbours tour and taken a picture with their street sign. But as you may have noticed, the street itself is not a real Ramsay Street, so why not head to Altona North, jump high and touch a real Ramsay Street sign. 4. Kylie/Dame Edna – Docklands – Melbourne is home to many an icon – but few surpass Kylie and Dame Edna – so it is little surprise that both these lovely ladies have been honoured with statues in Docklands. Given that spotting the real thing is unlikely, you might as well cut your losses and go cuddle their gold lookalikes. 5. Parliament Tram Stop – Love the trams? Finding it impossible to get one to stop long enough for you to take a cheesy tourist photo? Well we will let you in to a secret – the one at the Parliament Tram Stop waits just long enough to get a quick snap!

Cheap Eats Shanghai Village – Located at the upper end of China Town, Shanghai Village is the place to go for dumplings. While it may not be the prettiest painted picture in town, it is known for its quick simple service and yummy treats. The Vegi Bar – Not a cheapo eats place in general – but if you are after a good burger then this is the place to go. Lentil As Anything – A little bit short on cash? Well Lentil As Anything has the perfect solution – here you pay what you think! A nicely concealed slot box awaits contributions at the end of your meal... Moroccan Soup Bar – Known for its feisty frizzy haired owner and five course meals, Fitzroy’s Moroccan Soup Bar is also rather bargainous! Victoria Street Vietnamese – It would be unfair to pick out just one of the tasty Vietnamese restaurants found at the upper end of Richmond. They are all so tantalising that we suggest taking a wander and just taking your pick.

Live Music Venues The Toff – Halfway along Swanston Street is the fabulous Curtin House which boats a host of evening temptations – but one of our personal favourites that The Toff. A cute intimate space it attracts everyone from smaller local acts to international breakthroughs. Revolver – Known all across Melbourne, this venue and nightclub is busy every night of the week. With a kitschy cool layout and amazing array of regular acts, Revolver is the place to see someone about to break through. The Corner – In the heart of Richmond, The Corner is one of those venues that every local act aims to perform at. With a reputation that is unbeatable, The Corner balances intimacy with a surprisingly large capacity. The Tote – When The Tote got closed last year there was an uproar – while it may not attract big name acts, it is a staple of the Melbourne live scene and thankfully didn’t have to wait long to have its license reinstated. The Espy – the world famous rock and roll venue in St Kilda is split into three performance spaces and has a constant rotation of top name acts all at a VERY affordable entry fee.

Club Venues: Brown Alley – If you are hanging out in the CBD and looking to lose yourself in a touch of tech house/deep house, then Brown Alley has just your ticket. With international DJs at the venue practically every week, this is the place to be for dirty techy beats. Roxanne Parlour – Playing home to a wide array of sounds – Roxanne Parlour’s diverse approach sees them attract the biggest names from both the local and international scene. If you love Fabric then you will double love Roxanne Parlour. Revolver Upstairs – Walking up Chapel Street at lunchtime and wondering where the clubbers keep stumbling from? Well the answer is the fabtastic Revolver Upstairs. Once the doors have opened on Friday, they stay open all the way through to Sunday night. The place in Melbourne to go get messy and messier. New Guernica – With furnishings lifted right out of a Brothers Grimm tale, New Guernica is just totally awesome. With drinks offers on a constant and a rather pleasing dress code (which they strictly adhere to), New Guernica is the perfect place to lose yourself in sound.

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INTERVIEW

Ed Sheeran’S Got the Monopoly Hot on the heels of his airwave hogging, summer smash ‘A-Team’ , singer/songwriter Ed Sheeran releases new single‘You need me, I don’t need you.’ The twenty-year-old from Suffolk presents a far cry from the melodic folk pop of the first single, shedding atmospheric ambience for a frenzied, vocal formed beat that lays the tone for the track, an aggressively witty look at his rise to fame and an open letter to the fickle music industry he is now a prominent part of. Where the song really stands out is Ed’s rather accomplished rapping. Lyrics such as‘I sing, I write my own tune, I write my own verse, hell/ don’t need another songwriter to make the songs sell,’ensure that is not a subtle nudge but a profound statement of just what he has gone through to get to where he is.

It’s in this vain that one might liken Ed to Wimbledon’s acclaimed musical raconteur Jamie T, whose work shares much in common with a track that is so stripped back, raw and poetic. Dominating 2011’s sound, Ed has shown great versatility with collaborations with artists such as Example, Wiley, Devlin and Ghetts; it’s almost as if he’s creating a super force of UK music to take on the world and shies away from being pigeon holed to one genre. Speaking on Ed’s climb to fame, acclaimed music journalist Gareth Thomas says“Ed Sheeran’s had a meteoric rise and is an example of how today’s music can straddle different cultures from folk and indie to hip-hop and rock. His rise is also an example of how intensive gigging and social networking can come together to launch an artist into the mainstream.”

Continuing,“His loop station gigs are legendary his lyric reflect the issues of every day life… and he’s only twenty!“ We briefly caught up with Ed whilst on his UK tour to find out how it’s all going. So how’s the UK tour going? The latest UK tour has only just started but really we’ve been on the road since May without much of a break. I love playing live and it’s only getting better with the crowds now the album is out.

Have you got any plans to go out to Australia? Yes, I go to Australia in November for some promo and hope to make a few trips back again over the next year to play shows. What are your plans for 2012? More touring and looking forward to taking my music to new countries. “+” is out now. By James Stapleton and Hannah Shakir

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Oh

Melbourne local Alexander Gow has had a phenonomenal 2011. Having unleashed Oh Mercy’s sophomore LP “Great Barrier Grief” to commercial and critical acclaim, Gow took the unusual step of walking away from the quartet which made his name and heading out on the road with good pal Dan Sultan. When asked to contemplate his decision and its impact upon his enjoyment of 2011, the ever so thoughtful frontman explains, “I sort of split the year into two as to how I remember it.

Embarking on the solo tour was the first big thing. I had to learn how to hold my own without three of my best friends behind me. It was a challenge that I was up for.” While the deceptively shy song- smith knew he needed to step out of his comfort zone, the move was never motivated by a desire to ditch his close pals, but rather develop a greater understanding of his own onstage persona and to better his already amazing songwriting. He notes, “I think I kind of worked it out by the end of the tour. I worked out how to present my songs on my own, which was really satisfying to be able to play those songs in their most basic form and see how people react to them. It is a privilege that not many band guys get to have. I was so fortunate to have been able to do that. By the end of it, it was guiding me as to how I want to write in the future.” With Oh Mercy once all set to close the year with the release of Gow’s favourite song the record – the chirpy ‘Blue Lagoon’ – and a set of full-band dates – Gow is clearly relishing being back with his buds and focusing his efforts firmly on the future for Oh Mercy. “I guess the second half of the

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Mercy

year has been spent writing new material for a new album. I’ve been having a lot of fun doing that. It is going to be a marked difference from the last one. I will always try to make one album different from the other. I am not interested in making the same album twice. I also don’t think fans are really interested in hearing the same album twice.” While he is not an artist who criticises the work of others, he has clear aspirations as a songwriter that he feels some of his contemporaries lack. Without any hint of malice, he sighs, “Some bands have had wonderful careers out of making the same album ten times, but it doesn’t suit my interests.” While he is determined to make album 3 a different kettle of fish to “Great Barrier Grief”, he is currently not in a position to raise expectations. When asked to define his intended differences, he is only able to point to the fact “The last album was quite romantic, so this will be a little less romantic.”

With the taste buds wet but wanting more, we switch our focus from his writing spree to the year that was. When asked about his highlight of that year that was (and still is), the sincere songwriter pauses. Not wishing to offer a flighty misrepresentation of his year, he takes his time and seriously thinks about what really has the meant the most. He finally arrives at his answer, offering “I suppose my highlight of the year is being asked to join my favourite Australian band on stage at the Queenscliff Festival in November. I am getting to play a selection of early The Triffids singles. I also get to be one of the guest vocalists with the band themselves. I guess my appreciation and admiration for that band make it such an incredible honour. I am just so excited.”

Like a child in a sweet shop, Gow, despite his own incredible success, is all beady eyed at the prospect of joining his own heroes. Completely void of any ego or expectation, the musician has already started his prep to ensure he does not let his own idols, or himself, down. “I have a had a bit of a fiddle around on my own. It has been pretty liberal about which tracks we can choose. There are a couple which I am really dying to do. One is called “Revelry” and another called “Spanish Blues”. I started looking at ways we can do it that are different to the original, so they suit my voice and the band.” Though he concedes that the final decisions about who does what are yet to be made, the humble soul is happy to have been selected and is not about to push to the front of the queue with a list of demands. With a real innocence, he states “There are lots of vocalists who have already worked with The Triffids and I so I am quite happy to wait my turn at the end of the queue. I don’t necessarily have a favourite track. I am yet to find out which song I am going to do as a guest vocalist. But I guess the early stuff is my favourite, so I hope I get to do one of those.”

INTERVIEW

By Jeremy Williams


INTERVIEW: BBM’s Ash Moore catches up with House and Techno DJ and Producer Matthias Tanzmann to get his thoughts on what’s happening within the genre and on his upcoming Australian tour dates. Hello Matthias, my name is Ash I shall be interviewing you today. I am currently sat in my flat in London, where are you? I’m in Leipzig, Germany. Just back in the office, I got back yesterday. When are you flying out to Sydney? I think it will be the 25th of October, not sure exactly its either the 25th or the 26th I see are you looking forward to it? Oh definitely, I haven’t been to Australia for like two… no three years now so really looking forward to going back. A lot of people do sky diving, rafting, whale watching whilst there in Oz, do you think you’ll have time to indulge in different activities? Unfortunately the tour is a little bit tight. So I have to play almost every day and then I think I fly out on the 2nd of November and I go straight to Tokyo and have another gig there. Then I go back to Germany to play exactly the next day in Berlin so I’m afraid there isn’t going to be any touristic stuff…this time. How was Ibiza this year? It was a crazy season I think it really picked up after some more difficult years. Like two years ago for example when the island government had put some laws in place, like really changed the law, so you couldn’t do any open-air parties and stuff like that. So it got a little bit better and also every party was super full. I went to the Cocoon closing at Amnesia two days ago, super busy, also the after party at the beach was really, really busy, full of people, it was crazy. Usually in September the number of people drops, but this time I must say it was really a good season for all. How does the music industry differ now to Leipzig in the 90’s? I mean you could say that definitely the main change is the whole development in the music record market, in that you don’t sell any physical music at all. I mean we have a record label here and you can definitely see the changes because we used to sell a lot of vinyl now there is almost no vinyl being sold.

Matthias Tanzmann

How much has dance music changed since then? I came from a Deep House base, so I have to say for me, the change personally was an increase in more generic club music. But generally I have to say that there was minimal hype. The return of House right now, for the last three to four years, I have really liked the development and now I play House music and anything is possible. All the DJ’s like for example, those Techno DJ’s have played really hard right now, getting softer and more organic and groovy and it’s kind of interesting. Has House and Techno always played a huge part in Germany and East Germany in particular? Definitely I think Berlin especially and generally Germany is probably now the main spots for electronic music because apparently everybody moved to Berlin. Like all the international big DJ’s, so Germany now is really up front in music with development, but of course I’m not saying were the only ones, there’s a worldwide scene. But I remember in the 90’s we were just looking at the U.K and the United States and now it has changed because it kind of shifted, a lot of people came to Germany. America is now only discovering the genre; it must have originated to some aspect in Europe? Yeah I think the whole world grew together, of course with the Internet and everything maybe Europe, especially Berlin, is much more liberal than some other places in the world especially the States. So even though people really enjoy being there and partying, you don’t have a license properly so you cant just go on for 24 hours. So this definitely makes a big difference in the party, club scene and it’s also cheap to live there and for that reason many artists move to Berlin. This made a critical mass of artists, kind of brought out something nice and interesting, Do you have any new material in the works? I was starting to work on a new album actually but then the summer came its destroyed my plans because basically I have been only travelling. I was just in the airports and airplanes and Ibiza. So I hope now after the season finish, I’m going to be able to go back to the studio and continue the work on that album. You’ve remixed some great artists such as Moby, is there any artist you would particular like to work with in the future?

Remixing is always interesting and challenging. I couldn’t say there’s one specific artist I’d like to remix there’s a lot of interesting options, especially if you remix music that is not one hundred percent related to what you do originally; that you bring something new or you cross styles can be something interesting and yeah there’s not like an artist that I would definitely want to remix actually, I’m open for anything. With the sub genres of house like deep house and techno house splitting off now, where do you see the collective genre in a couple of years? I don’t know we started to see the minimal aspect kind of dying or getting less popular and what is big now is this more melodic deep house with a darker attitude to it. The sound that Jamie Jones is playing; this is quite big now especially in Ibiza. I don’t know where its going to go after, the interesting thing about the whole electronic music scene is that it’s always referring to its self and it’s still a small short history but it’s still referring to that history; but at the same time, bringing up something new in that genre. One thing to do before you die? Have a big, big holiday where I don’t have to play for a couple of weeks. Work work work If you make your hobby your profession then you love what you do, I’m passionate about it, you forget you need a holiday! What equipment do you use? In the studio I’ve always been a big fan of the Fender Rhodes electronic piano, like old synthesizers, I really prefer the old analogue vintage synthesizers actually, but as a DJ it’s the other way round. I used to play vinyl for more than ten years, but for the last three years I’ve been playing on Traktor that I’m super happy with. Because in the end I was playing eighty percent CD’s anyway and I was really, really bad at organizing my cd’s, so I would never find the right track and there’s like fifty CD’s and you can’t be sure the one you’re looking for is the one in your hands. So with Traktor, it’s really nice and easy, it’s a direct access to every track you want and helps me so much travelling, organizing my shit, so it’s really convenient. It’s also very creative and you can interact with the tracks with looping and adding effects and layering like three channels. Thank you Matthias, have a great time in Australia!

Matthias Tanzaman will be playing with the international headline DJ Dyed Soundorom at Circoloco’s Halloween Party, Saturday 29th October 12pm - 11pm.

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REVIEWS Rogerseventytwo You Take Me Higher Exploding onto your eardrums less like a slice and more like the whole cake of summer, Rogerseventytwo’s ‘You Take Me Higher’ is a summer dance anthem of the highest calibre. Based on the simple but incredibly catchy lyric; “You take me higher, than I’ve ever been baby”, and a classic disco beat, what we’re presented with is a track that undulates and swells with all the feel good power of an Ibiza nightclub. There is a small element of disco-cheese about it, but this only adds to the overall euphoria that this will create when you’re singing along in the middle of one of the best nights of your life. 4 out of 5 stars By Robin Lewis

DJ Funk @ Oxford Art Factory

There is no Bloc Party without Kele

Standing in a shitty backroom surrounded by indie groupies, drinking vodka and juice with the booty popping daddy of Chicago DJ Funk, known as Charles offstage (until the soberness wears off), was a beautiful beginning to one of the most excitingly dirty Rn’B sets you could find this side of the equator. DJ Funk had a little something lacking when he first got up, and despite yelling the extremely intoxicated 1am crowd into some excitement, there were a few little mishaps that slightly disturbed the flow of filth. Once his wrists started comfortably flicking across the decks though, and his little body was swaying to match his concentration on the beats smashing everywhere, it was absolutely impossible not to move in an inappropriately raunchy way, and the whole crowd really did get into it. The highlight of the set for me was being able to yell “Face down, ass up, that’s the way we like to fuck” insanely loudly in the middle of a nightclub while my drunken friends gyrated around me. Even if insanely anti-feminist lyrics and loud repetitive hard ass beats are not your thing, I swear the mood would have caught you in the end. I don’t think it was his best performance, but DJ Funk certainly knows his shit and the man can move a room with the twist of a dial so bitches, I’m moving to Chicago if that’s what the underground can deliver, Ed Banger is on the money with this guy, he is epic. 5 out of 5 stars By Alex McIntyre

Warning, any Bloc Party enthusiasts prepare to be pissed off! Bloc Party frontman Kele Okereke fears that the band has been recording new material behind his back - or worse, that he has been fired. Kele Okereke spotted guitarist Russell Lissack in a chance encounter as he dined for lunch in New York. “I saw somebody walk past and I recognised the haircut,” said Okereke to NME.com during an interview about the incident, “It was Russell. I was like, ‘Hey!’ but he didn’t see me and I followed him around the corner and then I saw Matt, Gordon and Russell all standing outside this rehearsal space. They all went inside.” The band has been on a hiatus since August 2009, after the release of their single “One More Chance”. Since then, Okereke has been on a solo career endeavour. The singer released his debut solo album, The Boxer, last year with a follow up EP, The Hunter, set to release October 31st. “It’s not really a secret because Kele’s been pretty busy doing solo stuff and it looks like he’s going to be doing that a bit longer,” said Lissack, in the same interview with NME, “The other three of us wanted to meet up and make music. We were talking about just doing an instrumental thing, but now we might get a singer as well.” Lissack claims to have “no bad vibes” with Okereke, but added that he hadn’t spoken to him in “a couple of months.” Responding to the news on his official blog, Kele said: “Hmm, I don’t know what to make of this. A big part of me is laughing HARD at all of this but another part of me is all like WTF? I’m quite curious as to what a Bloc Party audition would be like? I wonder if they would let me sit on the panel so I could be a judge Tyra Banks style?” Would anyone be interested in seeing the band without Okereke? We seriously doubt it!

MUSIC NEWS

By Ella Delancey

Coming Up…

What’s On Your Ipod…

Kooks Australian Tour The Kooks have announced an Australian tour to follow the release of their September album ‘Junk of the Heart’. They return in Dec/Jan for their first tour in three years and have announced headline shows around Falls and Southbound Festivals. Having sold out two previous Australian tours, they are eager to play to Australian audiences once more.

Arctic Monkeys Australian Tour Arctic Monkeys have returned for their third Australian tour, and their first since 2009. Arctic Monkeys’ widely acclaimed fourth studio album, Suck It And See reached #4 on the ARIA Charts and #1 on the UK Charts. It includes current hit singles ‘Don’t Sit Down ‘Cause I’ve Moved Your Chair’ and ‘The Hellcat Spangled Shalalala’. While in town for the Falls and Southbound Festivals, the band are also playing a sold-out show in Sydney. However don’t fret, as if you’re prepared to travel, the indie rock favourites are also playing headline shows in Melbourne, Perth, Adelaide and Brisbane which all have tickets available.

Welcome to the first of the BBM Live team’s monthly music chart Each month we’ll bring you a run down of the top choonage from the artists in the UK that are preparing to hit the waves. We’ll keep it a good mix of established and up and coming bands and artists to keep you in the loop with what your pal’s are listening to back home. 1.Totally Enormous Extinct Dinosaurs – Garden 2. Ed Sheeran - You Need Me, I Don’t Need You

3. 4. 5.

Rizzle Kicks - When I Was A Youngster

SBTRKT featuring Little Dragon – Wildfire Metronomy - Everything Goes My Way 6. 7.

8.

SBTRKT featuring Little Dragon – Wildfire 8.

9.

Subscape -Turn me on Ms Dynamite – Neva Soft

Omar & Zed Bias – Dancing

Metronomy - Everything Goes My Way 11. Ghostpoet – Gone 12. Willy Moon - I Wanna Be Your Man

13. Roots Manuva feat. Rokhsan - Get The Get 14. Maverick Sabre – I Need 15. Jono McLeery - Tomorrow

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GOSSIP

BBM’s Weird Crushes

Weird Celebrity Facts

We don’t know why, or when we fell for these people, but we’re just putting it out there as we can no longer contain our feelings for these unlikely desirable celebs…

Simon Cowell’s ex Sinitta went out with Brad Pitt for 2 years in the late 80’s before their careers got in the way.

On the boys team: Russell Howard – He could laugh us into bed, and with his boss eye he’d never really be able to judge if you look bad. Gareth Southgate – He’s just a bit brooding and good with his hands. Gordon Ramsay – We just want him to shout at us The Stig – It’s his air of mystery

On the girls team: Nigella Lawson – Fat arse, fit face Sarah Palin – Bad face, good body Jo Brand – You could have a decent chinwag

Actress Demi Moore is totally blind in her left eye after undergoing an operation to correct a squint when she was a child. Jack Black’s parents are both rocket scientists. Ironic, no? At age 10, Justin Timberlake won 1991 preteen Mr. America pageant. The following year, he became the first male winner of America’s Universal Charm pageant. Walt Disney named Micky Mouse after Mickey Rooney, whose mother he dated for a while. Time Magazine’s “Man of the Year” for 1938 was Adolf Hitler. By David Mahoney, Ella Delancey and Fanny Frangipane

Nikki Graham – You could get away with gagging her and no one would judge you.

FUNNY NEWS

This month’s stupidest shiz… Man Smuggles Hummingbirds in Underwear What the actual hell? The man in question was attempting to smuggle more than a dozen of the little birds through Rochambeau airport in Cayenne, French Guiana. He created little pouches in the front of the inside of his trousers to contain the un-sedated hummingbirds. Each bird was cruelly wrapped in cloth before being placed in its own pouch in order to prevent an escape attempt, which would probably be a bit painful and alarming for their captor. Luckily, officials noticed the traveller acting “suspicious”, and upon removing his trousers, discovered their unusual cargo. Amazingly, this was not Hummingbird Pant’s first hummingbird-related offense! He is already known to hold a previous conviction for the same offence. We’re beginning to think this is some kind of fetish. Although sitting through a plane ride with a variety of animals in your pants does not sound particularly appealing, it is apparently a popular method of moving creatures illegally from country to country. It sounds like this guy has made it into a hobby. It’s unknown whether the hummingbird captor has been charged, although probably will be. We don’t think the crime was in the smuggling – we think it was in forcing those little birdies to sniff his hairy, sweaty ballsack for so long.

Once famous for her curves... Poor Jodie Marsh was once famous for her curves, making a name for herself by getting her boobs out. Now she’s in the news again but for looking like a lubed up condom stuffed with shiny conkers. Jodie was seen showing off her muscular new body as she entered a body-building championship last month. Her new body, helped along by personal trainer Tim Sharp, saw her come in fifth position. Jodie’s eight-week regime saw her sticking to an incredibly strict diet, as well as cutting out clubbing. “At first, I just wanted to lose weight and tone up - I was soft all over. But within two weeks, I had definition in my stomach.” She’s not the only one who’ll be soft all over, if she carries on like this. “I feel a million dollars. I’ve always been confident, but I’ve had moments where I haven’t wanted people to see me naked.” Looking like that Jodie, people definitely don’t want to see you naked. Sorry.

Talk about shitting on someone when they’re down! A man from Lincolnshire has rather sensationally been caught taking a steaming dump all over a poor little hedgehog that had sadly just died. As if the poor little blighter’s day couldn’t have been bad enough with him dying, he’s now covered in some weird guy’s shit! Police found the 34-year-old gentleman, Victor Ford, on a street in Spalding, back in early July this year, startling whilst he released his bowels all over the critter. The case went to court, which led to £200 for the act of doing a pooh on a dead animal along with the obvious public indecency. Initially pleading not guilty, Victor soon changed his mind when he realised he would be promised a more lenient punishment. We think that along with the fine, the judge should have shit on him in return to show him how it feels! Considering there were 30 million hedgehogs in the UK in 1955, and now there are just 1 million and people are shitting on the dead ones

The Commode Explode Happens to the best of us, eh? A woman from the US was taken to a hospital from her workplace with serious cuts to her leg from ‘flying debris’ caused by the toilet blast. It wasn’t just this poo-catapulting incident though: another loo exploded within minutes of the first, injuring another poor person using the bathroom at the same time! Chuck White, vice-president of Technical and Code Services for the Plumbing-Heating-Cooling Contractors Association (what a job title!) said: “Whilst I’ve never seen an exploding toilet myself, it is something you read about in plumbing textbooks.”“If you’re not careful about how you release pressure, the contents of that bowl will come up like old faithful.” White told the Huffington Post. The explosion was because of a control system malfunction that caused a rise in pressure in the water storage tank, GSA spokesman William Marshall said. This in turn caused the plumbing system to erm…“malfunction” when flushed. The 2,500 employees who work in the building were sent an email declaring bathrooms off-limits because the plumbing had malfunctioned and the situation was dangerous. Personally we’d stage a walk-out. It’s not their fault that someone broke the toilet by doing a mammoth shit! However, I think everyone in that building will be hanging on until they get home from now on.

Thorpe Park to Enforce Fatty-seats Fatseats! According to the theme park, an “embarrassingly large” (lol) number of customers have not been able to fit onto rides, as they are too big to fix in the restraints, so steps have been taken to make the attraction “ergonomically correct”. Thorpe Park cited figures showing half of Brits are now overweight. Mike Vallis, divisional director said: “The reality is that we are supersizing - and that’s a fact we’re embracing. Why shouldn’t people be comfortable when they are enjoying a day out with their friends or family?” Universal Studios in Orlando was also forced to make bigger seats for its Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey rollercoaster, after loads of people were reportedly turned away for being too fat for the harnesses. Why should people who’ve made themselves this large by contently stuffing themselves silly on pizza and lard have thousands of pounds spent on them and be felt sorry for, just so they can fit on the rides? It’s also unfair on everyone else: they’re going to get a (big) bum deal because the rides will slow down. Thrill lovers can now use test seats outside the ride so everyone can see how fat they are, before being directed to a separate queue for the fat seats if necessary.

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DISCOVERING NEW ZEALAND When you think of a holiday destination you automatically jump to a stereotypical image of that place. Yet, when I asked my friends about New Zealand prior to my recent trip, I was bombarded with a list of contradictory images. From the blissful magical realm of Jackson’s Lord Of The Rings to the birthplace of bungee, my mind was bubbling. So it is with somewhat of a panging sigh I can tell you that New Zealand is both these and much more... I just wish I was still there.

Invercargill and city under reconstruction Christchurch all have ample on offer, each with their own distinct charm and warm welcome. City life is far more common place over on North Island. With the northern most city Auckland home to nearly a third of the Kiwi population, it has stiff competition from Hamilton and Wellington as the city to visit. While Auckland is slick, stylish and cosmopolitan, capital Wellington is hot on its heels. A pretty harbour city, Wellington boasts an alternative edge rarely found within a capital and is the perfect place for a cafe city break. Though South Island may home many of the natural phenomenons that New Zealand has to offer – North Island also homes it fair share. With Taupo found atop a massive volcanic lake and Rotorua’s stenchy sulphourous waters – there is plenty to see.

Split geographically into two halves, many write off the more densely populated North Island in favour of the serenity of the South. This is mistake number one. The two islands are equal in appeal though different in tone. South Island is the epitome of contrast. Sparsely populated its natural beauty is beyond enticing. The perfect place for a road trip, it is brimming with wildlife and ideal for long walks. Within a few hours drive of each other you find the magnificent magnitude of Milford Sounds and the glorious glaciers of Fox and Franz Josef through to sheer thrill of the Rangitata Rafts. While fairly replete of city living, this in itself is part of the pull. South Island offers a chance to escape the rush of daily life, while providing the possibility to replace it with an adrenalin rush. But for those who crave city living, tourist haven Queenstown, fishing heaven

With nature playing a large part in its appeal, it is equally important to note the massive pull of the Maori. The fascinating indigenous Kiwis, Maori culture is celebrated at every opportunity. A warm, open culture, no trip to New Zealand is complete without at least once immersing yourself in Maori culture. By Jeremy Williams

Rangitata Rafts You are in New Zealand – home of the adrenalin rush – and you are looking for a challenge... Well look not further.. Whether you are wanting to take baby steps or dive in at the deep end – Rangitata Rafts have everything you need. With rafting of all levels on offer in one of New Zealand’s most stunning and fascinating locations – the Rangitata Gorge – there is really no decision to make. Available as a day trip from Christchurch, or even a stop off on your travels to Lake Tekapo or Queenstown, Rangitata Rafts provide THE ultimate adrenalin rush!

Things to do SKYDIVING Skydive Lake Wanaka Ltd 14, Mustang Lane Wanaka Airport State Highway 6 Wanaka, South Island NZ Tel: +64 3 443 7207 or FREEphone 0800 786 877 info@skydivewanaka.com www.skydivewanaka.com Nzone ‘The Ultimate Jump’ Queenstown & Rotorua Tel: 0800 376 796 skydive@nzone.biz www.nzone.biz SkydivingNZ.com New Zealand Skydiving School FREEPHONE: 0800 NZSKYDIVE Email: info@skydivingnz.com

RAFTING RANGITATA RAFTS Peel Forest RD20 South Canterbury, NZ Tel: + 64 3 696 3534 New Zealand Freephone: 0800 251 251 info@rafts.co.nz www.rafts.co.nz

JET BOATING Shotover Jet

The World’s Most Exciting Jet Boat Ride, and the only company permitted to operate in the spectacular Shotover River Canyons.

Take a breathtaking guided trip on the West Coast’s longest and less crowded glacier amidst fascinating ice formations with NZ’s most experienced glacier guiding company. Offering a full range of trips to suit all fitness levels.

river boarding Mad Dog RiverBoarding 37 Shotover Street Queenstown New Zealand Ph: +64 3442 7797 www.riverboarding.co.nz

Accommodation Christchurch City Oasis 180 Peterborough Street, Christchurch, NZ Ph: + 64 3366 9531 cityoasis@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz Coker’s Backpackers 52 manchester Street, Christchurch, NZ Ph: + 64 3379 8580 enquiries@cokers.co.nz www.cokers.co.nz

BAY OF ISLANDS Bay Adventurer Backpackers & Apartments 28, Kings Road, Paihia, Bay of Islands, NZ Ph: +64 9 402 5162 Info@bayadventurer.co.nz www.bayadventurer.co.nz

Shotover Jet Beach, Gorge Road Arthurs Point, Queenstown, New Zealand Free Phone (NZ only): 0800 SHOTOVER Phone: +64 3 442 8570 Fax: +64 3 442 7467 reservations@shotoverjet.co.nz www.shotoverjet.com

Kaikoura

Glacier Guiding

Queenstown

Fox Glacier Guiding 44 Main Rd, Po Box 38, Fox Glacier, NZ Ph: +64 3 751 0825 Freephone (NZ only): 0800 111 600 info@foxguides.co.nz www.foxguides.co.nz

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Adelphi Lodge Main Street, Kaikoura, NZ Ph: + 64 3319 5141 Fax: + 64 3319 6786 adelphilodge@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz Bungi Backpackers 15 Sydney Street, Queenstown, NZ Ph: + 64 3442 8725 Fax: + 64 3442 8729 www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

Southern Laughter Lodge 4 Isle Street, Queenstown, NZ Ph: + 64 3441 8828 southernlaughter@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz Nomads Queenstown 5-11 Church Street, Queenstown, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 3 441 3922 info@nomadsqueenstown.com nomadshostels.com Queenstown’s brand new flashpackers, now open with rave reviews.

Franz Josef Glacier Chateau Franz 8 Cron Street, Franz Josef Glacier, NZ Ph: + 64 3752 0738 www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz Glow Worm Cottages 7 Cron Street, Franz Josef Glacier, NZ Ph: + 64 3752 0172 glowwormcottages@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

auckland Nomads Auckland 16-20 Fort Street, Auckland, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 9 300 9999 bookings@nomadsauckland.com nomadshostels.com $5 off first night (min 3 night stay) if you mention this ad Nomads Fat Camel 38 Fort Street, Auckland, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 9 307 0181 bookings@nomadsfatcamel.com nomadshostels.com $5 off first night if you mention this ad

wellington Nomads Capital 118 Wakefield Street, Wellington, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 4 978 7800 info@nomadscapital.com nomadshostels.com Central city backpackers with FREE MEAL every night

Going to Fiji? ACCOMMODATION

The Uprising Beach Resort 679-345-2200 Beach RoadPacific Harbour P.O.Box 416 Pacific Habour Fiji Islands enquiries@uprisingbeachresort.com www.uprisingbeachresort.com

Beachcomber Island Resort Mamanuca Island Group Ph: + 679 6661500 Fax: + 679 6664496 info@beachcomberfiji.comwww.beachcomberfiji.com

Nadi Bay Resort Hotel Wailoaloa Beach Road Private Mail Bag NAP 0359, Nadi Airport Ph: (679) 6723599 Fax: (679) 6720092 nadibay@connect.com.fj www.fijinadibayhotel.com/

The Beachouse Coral Coast, Fiji Islands Fiji phone: 679 6530500 Free call (within Fiji): 0800 6530530 Australia info line: 07 55320412 info@fijibeachouse.com www.fijibeachouse.com

Nadi Bay Downtown Backpackers Nadi, Fiji Islands Ph: [679] 670 0600 pacvalley@connect.com.fj

Smugglers Cove Beach Resort & Hotel P.O.Box 10409 Nadi Airport. Ph: (679) 672 6578 or 672 4578 Fax: (679) 672 0662 reservations@smugglerscove.com.fj www.smugglersbeachfiji.com, Skype name: Smugglers Cove HORIZON BEACH RESORT Wailoaloa Beach, Nadi Bay, Fiji Ph: +679 672 2832 or 4578 Fax: +679 672 0662 www.horizonbeachfiji.com Robinson Crusoe Island Fiji budget accommodation Ph: (679) – 6281999 (679) – 6282901 robinsoncrusoe@connect.com.fj www.robinsoncrusoeislandfiji.com

MUST DO Skydiving

Skydive Fiji 11 Zahoor Road, Nadi, Fiji Isalnds Tel: +679-6728166 Fax: +679-6721415 admin@skydivefiji.com.fj www.skydivefiji.com.fj

‘Incredible views of Fiji’s Islands and Reefs; Beach or Resort landings’

Scuba Diving

Subsurface Fiji Adventure Diving and Watersports Beachcomber, Treasure, Malolo, Walu Beach, Funky Fish and Musket Cove Island Resorts, Fiji Tel: +679 6666 738 info@subsurfacefiji.com www.subsurfacefiji.com

Fiji’s multi award winning Dive and Watersports Company. Enjoy HALF PRICE on all diving and PADI dive courses during February and March at Beachcomber and Treasure Island Resorts.


AUSTRALIA - THINGS TO DO JUNGLE SURFING CANOPY TOURS Daintree Rainforest Cape Tribulation Tropical Northern Queensland Booking essential Tel: 07 4098 0043 info@junglesurfing.com.au www.junglesurfing.com.au OCEAN RAFTING WHITSUNDAYS Tel:07 4946 6848 oceanrafting@airlie.net.au PRODIVE CAIRNS 116 Spence Street Cairns QLD 4870 Tel:(07) 4031 5255 www.prodivecairns.com OZ BALL GOLD COAST Go Zorbing with Oz Ball. Tel: +61 (0) 7 55476300 team@ozball.com.au www.ozball.com.au

JET SKI SAFARIS Birth 56, Jetty Sea, Mariners Cove, Waterways, QLD Tel: 07 5526 3111 Mob: 0409 754 538 info@jetskisafaris.com.au www.jetskisafaris.com.au PARADISE JET BOATING Jetty ‘C’ Mariners Cove Marina, Seaworld Drive, Main Beach Qld 4217 Tel: 1300 JET BOAT (1300 538 262) thrills@paradisejetboating.com.au www.paradisejetboating.com.au KITE REPUBLIC Kite Surfing St Kilda Seabaths, T4, 10-18 Jacka Boulevard, St Kilda, VIC, 3182 Tel:0418 583 233 info@kiterepublic.com.au www.kiterepublic.com.au

MINISTRY OF PAINTBALLING L4, 362 Kent St Sydney NSW 2000 Tel:1800 646 478 (02) 9262 2362 www.ministryofpaintball.com TEMPTATION SAILING & DOLPHIN SWIM Marina PierHoldfast Shores Marina GLENELG SA 5045 Tel:0412 811 838 Fax: (08) 8353 0750 info@dolphinboat.com.au www.dolphinboat.com.au SUNLOVER REEF CRUISES Tropical North Queensland coast of Cairns Tel:1800 810 512 res@sunlover.com.au RODNEY FOX SHARK EXPEDITIONS 73 Ninth Avenue, Joslin, South Australia 5070 Tel: +61 (0)8 8363 1788 www.rodneyfox.com.au

BRIDGE CLIMB SYDNEY Tel:(02) 8274 7777 www.bridgeclimb.com

SKYDIVE BYRON BAY Tel: 0433 254 438 www.skydivecoffs.com.au

SKYRAIL RAINFOREST CABLEWAY Cairns, QLD 
Tel: + 61 7 4038 1555
 reservations@skyrail.com.au
 www.skyrail.com.au

BIG NIGHT OUT IN SURFERS PARADISE Every Wednesday and Saturday Night www.GoldCoastBackpackers.net

OUTBACK BALOONING Balooning tours Tel:1800 809 790
 +61 (0)8 8952 8723 
Fax: +61 (0)8 8952 3869 sales@outbackballooning.com.au 
www.outbackballooning.com.au RNR WHITE WATER RAFTING Cairns, Queenland Tel: (0740419444 Fax: (07) 4041 9499 reservations@raft.com.au www.raft.com.au

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ACCOMMODATION AUSTRALIA New South Wales

Sydney

Sydney Backpackers 7 Wilmot St Sydney NSW 2000 Ph: 02 9267 7772 1800 88 77 66 (Free Call) info@sydneybackpackers.com www.sydneybackpackers.com Clovelly Hotel 381 Clovelly Road Clovelly Ph: (02) 9665 1214 office@clovellyhotel.com.au www.clovellyhotel.com.au Criterion Hotel 260 Pitt Street Sydney (crn Pitt & Park Streets) Ph: (02) 9264 3093 patk@criterianhotel.net.au www.criterionhotel.net.au Westend Backpackers 412 Pitt Street Sydney, NSW, 2000 Free: 1800 013 186 Ph: 02 9211 4588 bookings@westendbackpackers.com www.westendbackpackers.com See the CHURCH - Australia’s largest dorm! Jolly Swagman Backpackers Hostel 27 Orwell Street Kings Cross, NSW 2011 Free: 1800 805 870 Ph: 93586400 skype: jolly.swagman.backpackers stay@jollyswagman.com.au www.jollyswagman.com.au Bondi Backpackers 110 Campbell Parade Bondi Beach NSW 2026 Free: 1800 304 660 Ph: (02) 9130 4660 bookings@bondibackpackers.com.au www.bondibackpackers.com.au The Globe Backpackers 40 Darlingurst Road Kings Cross, Sydney NSW 2011 Free: 1800 806 384 Ph: (02) 9326 9675 info@globebackpackers.com www.globebackpackers.com City Resort Hostel 103-105 Palmer St Woolloomooloo, NSW 2011 Ph: (02) 9357 3333 bookings@cityresort.com.au Skype: City Resort Hostel www.cityresort.com.au Show this ad for $5 off! (Valid for new guests only. Min. 3 nights stay.)

The George Street Hotel 700A George Street Sydney NSW 2000 Ph: (02) 9211 1800 Fax: 02 9212 2884 Free: 1800 679 606 (Within Australia) booking@thegeorge.com.au www.thegeorge.com.au Bounce Sydney 28 Chalmers Street, Sydney 2010 Free call 1800890897 Ph (02) 9281 2222 book@bouncehotel.com.au www.bouncehotel.com.au Lord Wolseley Hotel 265 Bulwara Rd Ultimo, Sydney 2007 Ph: (02) 9600 1736 info@lordwolseleyhotel.com.au www.lordwolseleyhotel.com.au Maze Backpackers 417 Pitt St Sydney NSW 2000 Ph: (02) 9211 5115 Free: 1800 813 522 info@mazebackpackers.com www.mazebackpackers.com Porterhouse Hotel 233 Riley St Surry Hills NSW 2010 Ph: (02) 9211 4454 info@porterhouse.com.au www.Porterhouse.com.au Big Hostel Single and double & Dorm rooms available Max 4 bed dorms. 212 Elizabeth Street, Surry Hills Sydney NSW 2010 Ph: (02) 92816030 Free: 1800 212 244 reception@bighostel.com www.bighostel.com O’Malley’s Hotel 228 William Street, Kings Cross Sydney, NSW 2011 Ph: 02 9357 2211 admin@omalleyshotel.com.au www.omalleyshotel.com.au Sydney Central Hostel 428 Pitt Street Sydney 2000 Ph: (02) 9211 7323 stay@sydneycentralhostel.com.au www.sydneycentralhostel.com.au The Royal Hotel 370 Abercrombie St, Darlington, NSW, 2008 Ph: (02) 9698 8557 info@royal.com.au www.royal.com.au Kanga House backpackers 141 Victoria Street, Kings Cross, Sydney Ph: (02) 9357 7897 www.KangaHouse.com.au

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Sydney Northern Beaches Sydney Beachouse - YHA 4 Collaroy St, Collaroy, 2097 Ph: +61 2 9981 1177 mail@sydneybeachouse.com.au www.sydneybeachouse.com.au Guaranteed jobs/work all year. Cheap weekly rates by the beach with free Surfboard, Bodyboard & Bike hire

Sydneys Southern Beaches Cronulla Beach YHA Level 1, 40 -42 Kingsway Cronulla Sydney, 2230 Ph: 02 9527 7772 enquiries@cronullabeachyha.com www.cronullabeachyha.com www.yha.com.au

PORT STEPHENS Melaleuca Surfside Backpackers 2 Koala Place, One Mile Beach, NSW 2316 Ph: (02) 4981 9422 Mobile: 0427 200 950 melaleucabackpacker@bigpond.com www.melaleucabackpackers.com.au Hunter Valley Hunter Valley YHA 100 Wine Country Drive Nulkaba, Hunter Valley, NSW Ph: 02 4991 3278 huntervalley@yhansw.org.au www.yha.com.au

Katoomba Katoomba Mountain Backpackers Lodge 31 Lurline st Katoomba, NSW Ph: 04782 3933 stay@katoombabackpackers.com.au www.katoombabackpackers.com.au SPECIAL WINTER DEAL, STAY 2 NIGHTS GET THE 3RD NIGHT FREE!!!!!!

Byron Bay Aquarius Backpackers 16 Lawson Street Byron Bay NSW 2481 Ph: (02) 6685-7663 Free: 1800 028 909 info@aquarius-backpackers.com.au www.aquarius-backpackers.com.au Nomads Byron Bay 1 Lawson Lane, Byron Bay, NSW 2481 Ph: 02 6680 7966 Free: 1800 766 673 bookings@nomadsbyronbay.com nomadshostels.com Arts Factory Lodge 1 Skinners Shoot Road, Byron Bay, NSW Ph: 02 6685 7709 info@artsfactory.com.au www.artsfactory.com.au An essential part of your journey

Nambucca Heads Nambucca Backpackers 2 Pacific Highway, Nambucca Heads, NSW 2448 Ph: (02) 6568-6360 info@nambuccabackpackers.com.au www.nambuccabackpackers.com.au

Lake Tabourie Lake Tabourie Tourist Park Princes Hwy, Lake Tabourie, NSW 2539 Free call: 1300 559 966 tabourie@shoalhaven.nsw.gov.au www.holidayhaven.com.au/tabourie

Queensland Brisbane Tinbilly Travellers 466 George St, Brisbane City, Qld 4000 Ph: (07) 3238 5888 Free: 1800 44 66 46 reservations@tinbilly.com www.tinbilly.com Free Tinbilly Limited Edition T-shirt With presentation of this BBM Ad The Deck 117 Harcourt St, New Farm Brisbane QLD 4005 Ph: 0433 777 061 the_deck@live.com.au Designed with the working Traveler in Mind. Minimum 2 week stay Base QLD Backpackers 308 Edward st Brisbane QLD 4000 Ph: 07 3211 2433 palace@stayatbase.com www.stayatbase.com BUNK 11-21 Gipps St, Fortitude Valley, Qld, 4006 Ph: +61 7 3257 3644 Free: 1800 682 865 info@bunkbrisbane.com.au www.bunkbrisbane.com.au Brisbane City YHA 392 Upper Roma St, Brisbane QLD 4000 Ph: (07) 3236 1004 brisbanecity@yha.com.au www.yha.com.au

Goldcoast Aquarius Backpackers 44 Queen Street Gold Coast, Queensland Ph: 07 5527 1300 Free:1800 229 955 info@aquariusbackpackers.com.au www.aquariusbackpackers.com.au

Surfers Paradise YHA at Main Beach Mariners Cove, 70 Seaworld Drive Main Beach, Surfers Paradise 4217 Ph: (07) 5571 1776 surfersparadise@yha.com.au www.yha.com.au Backpackers in Paradise 40 Peninsular Drive Central Surfers Paradise Queensland, 4217 Ph: (07) 5538 4344 Free: 1800 268 621 info@backpackersinparadise.com www.backpackersinparadise.com Surf N Sun Beachside Backpackers 3323 Surfers Paradise Blvd, Surfers Paradise, Gold Coast, QLD 4217 Ph: (07) 5592 2363 Free: 1800 678 194 info@surfnsun-goldcoast.com www.surfnsun-goldcoast.com Trekkers Backpackers 22 White Street, Goldcoast, QLD, 4215 Ph: (07) 55915616 Free : 1800 100 004 info@trekkersbackpackers.com.au www.trekkersbackpackers.com.au Sleeping Inn Surfers 26 Peninsular Drive Surfers Paradise QLD Ph: 07 5592 4455 info@sleepinginn.com.au www.sleepinginn.com.au Coolangatta Sands Hostel Cnr Griffith & McLean Streets Coolangatta 4225 QLD Ph: 07 5536 7472 hostel@taphouse.com.au www.taphouse.com.au Surfers Paradise Backpackers Resort,2837 Gold Coast Highway, Queensland 4217 Ph: 07 5592 4677 Free: 1800 282 800 spbr@bigpond.net.au www.surfersparadisebackpackers.com.au

Noosa Nomads Noosa 44 Noosa Drive, Noosa Heads, QLD 4567 Phone: 07 5447 3355 bookings@nomadsnoosa.com www.nomadsnoosa.com

Hervey Bay Nomads Hervey 408 The Esplanade, Torquay, Hervey Bay, QLD 4655 Phone: 07 4125 3601 bookings@nomadshervey.com www.nomadshervey.com

TOWN OF 1770 (Between Bunderberg & Rockhampton) Cool Bananas 2 Spring Road, 1770, Queensland, 4677 Ph: (07) 4974 7660 Free: 1800 227 660 wheeler_danny@hotmail.com www.coolbananas.net.au 1770 Southern Cross (Backpackers) 2694 Round Hill Rd Agnes Water QLD 4677 Ph: 0749747225 info@1770southerncross.com www.1770southerncross.com 1770 Beachside Backpackers 12 Captain Cook Drive PO Box 212, Agnes Water QLD 4677 Ph: 07 4974 7200 enquiries@1770beachsidebackpacker. com.au www.1770beachsidebackpacker.com.au

Cairns Nomads Cairns 341 Lake Street, Cairns, QLD 4870 Free: 1800 737 736 bookings@nomadscairns.com www.nomadshostels.com Stay 4 nights, pay only 3! Or $5 off 1st night with this ad. Cairns Central YHA 20-26 McLeod Street, Cairns QLD 4870 Ph: (+617) 4051 0772 cairnscentral@yha.com.au www.yha.com.au Gilligans backpackers hotel & resort 57-59 Grafton Street, Cairns, QLD Ph: (07) 4041 6566 Free: 1800 556 995 reservations@gilligans.com.au www.gilligans.com.au Nomads Esplanade 93 The Esplanade, Cairns, QLD 4870 Ph: 07 4031 7477 Free: 1800 175 716 bookings@nomadsesplanade.com www.nomadshostels.com Dreamtime Travellers Rest 4 Terminus Street (corner of Bunda st.& Terminus st.) Cairns 4870 Queensland Ph: (07) 4031 6753 info@dreamtimehostel.com www.dreamtimehostel.com Globetrotters International 154-156 Lake st Cairns City QLD Free: 1800 22 55 87 info@globetrottersinternational.com.au www.globetrottersinternational.com.au

Nomads Cairns Beach House 239 Sheridan Street, Cairns, QLD 4870 Tel: 1800 229 228 or (07) 4041 0431 bookings@nomadsbeachhouse.com www.nomadsworldhotels.com Dorm from just $12 The Northern Greenhouse 117 Grafton Street Cairns QLD 4000 Ph: 1800 000 541 northern@friendlygroup.com.au www.northerngreenhouse.com.au JJ’s Backpackers 11-13 Charles Street Cairns QLD 4870 Ph - (07) 4051 7642 Free- 1800 666 336 jjsbackpackers@ledanet.com.au www.jjsbackpackers.com

Mission Beach Absolute Backpackers 28 Wongaling Beach Road Mission Beach Queensland 4852 Ph: 07 4068 8317 Free: 1800 688 316 info@absolutebackpackers.com.au www.absolutebackpackers.com.au Scotty’s Beach House 167 Reid Road, Mission Beach, QLD, 4852 Ph: 07 4068 8676 info@scottysbeachhouse.com.au www.scottysbeachhouse.com.au

Whitsundays Barefoot Lodge Whitsunday Passage, Whitsundays, QLD Ph: +61 7 4946 9400 Free: 1800 075 125 longisland@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

Airlie Beach Airlie Beach YHA 394 Shute Harbour Road Airlie Beach QLD Phone: (07) 4946 6312 Free:1800 247 251 airliebeach@yha.com.au www.yha.com.au MAGNUMS/Whitsunday Village Travel 366 Shute Harbour Rd, Airlie Beach, QLD Ph: (07) 4964 1199 or 07 4964 1188 Free: 1800 624 634 travel@magnums.com.au www.magnums.com.au

cape tribulation PK’s Jungle Village Cape Tribulation Road (PMB 7) Cape Tribulation QLD 4873 Tel: 07 4098 0040 info@pksjunglevillage.com www.pksjunglevillage.com Ferntree Rainforest Lodge Camelot Close, Cape Tribulation, QLD Australia Freecall:1800 987 077 International Telephone: +61 7 4098 0033 Availability and Rates: www.thebookingbutton.com.au reservationsferntree@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

rainbow beach Pippies Beach House Cnr of Spectrum Street & Cypress Avenue, Rainbow Beach FREEPHONE: 1800425356 info@pippiesbeachhouse.com.au www.pippiesbeachhouse.com.au 30mins FREE Internet on presentation of this ad PLUS FREE Breakfast & Eco WhaleWatching for all!

Western Australia scarborough western beach lodge 6 Westborough Street Scarborough, Western Australia, 6019 Ph. (08) 9245 1624 westernbeach@iprimus.com.au www.westernbeach.com

COTTESLOE ocean beach backpackers cnr Marine Parade & Eric St Cottesloe Beach Ph: 08 9384 5111 stay@oceanbeachbackpackers.com www.oceanbeachbackpackers.com

Perth Rainbow Lodge 133 Summers St.Perth, WA Ph: (08) 9227-1818 or 0417 927 529 Ron@rainbowlodge.com.au www.rainbowlodge.com.au One World Backpackers 162 Aberdeen St Northbridge, PERTH WA Ph: (08) 9228 8206 www.oneworldbackpackers.com.au Mountway Holiday Apartments 36 Mount St,West Perth WA 6005 Ph: (08) 9321 8307 info@mountwayapartments.com.au www.mountwayapartments.com.au Mad Cat Backpackers 55-63 Stirling Street Perth, Western Australia, WA 6000 Ph: (0)8 9228 4966 madcat@madcatbackpackers.com.au www.madcatbackpackers.com.au

Britannia on William 253 William Street, Northbridge 6003 Perth WA Ph: 08 9227 6000 Fax: 08 9227 6611 www.perthbritannia.com YMCA Accommodation Jewell House 180 Goderich St. Perth, WA 6000 tel: (08) 9325 8488 fax: (08) 9221 4694 email: jewellhouse@ymca.org.au www.ymcajewellhouse.com.au Underground Backpackers 268 Newcastle Street Northbridge WA 6003 Ph: (08) 9228 3755 Fax: (08) 9228 3744 www.undergroundbackpackers.com.au EXCLUSIVE BACKPACKERS 158 Adelaide Tce, Perth 6000 Ph: (08) 9221 9991 exclusivebackpackers@hotmail.com www.exclusivebackpackers.com Beatty Lodge 235 Vincent Street West Perth WA 6005 Ph: (08) 9227 1521 www.beattylodge.com.au info@beattylodge.com.au Billabong Resort 381 Beaufort Street, Perth Ph: 08 9328 7720 bookings@billabongresort.com.au www.billabongresort.com.au Globe Backpackers 561 Wellington Street, cnr. Queen St, Perth, WA Ph: 08 9321 4080 globebak@iinet.net.au www.globebackpackers.com.au The Old Swan Barracks 2 - 8 Francis Street Perth (Northbridge)6000 Ph: 08 9428 0000 www.theoldswanbarracks.com

monkey mia Monkey Mia Dolphin Resort Monkey Mia Road, Shark Bay 3537 Ph: +61 8 9948 1320 monkeymia@aspenresorts.com.au www.monkeymia.com.au

Kununurra Kununurra Backpackers Adventure Centre 22 Nutwood Crescent, Kununurra WA 6743 Ph: (08) 9169 1998 or 1800 641 998 www.kununurrabackpackers.com.au info@kununurrabackpackers.com.au

broome Beaches of Broome 4 Sanctuary Road, Cable Beach, Broome, WA, 6725 Ph : 1300 881 031 bookings@beachesofbroome.com.au www.beachesofbroome.com.au

Victoria Mildura redcliffs hotel 25 Jacaranda St, Red Cliffs VIC 3496 (03) 5024 1704

Halls Gap Brambuk Backpackers Hostel 330 Grampians Road, Halls Gap, VictoriaPh: 03 5356 4250 bramback@netconnect.com.au www.brambuk.com.au/backpackers.htm Brambuk Backpackers offers travellers an affordable and comfortable range of accommodation, ideally situated within the stunning Grampians National Park.

Melbourne Easystay Motel and Studio Apartments Great accommodation at fantastic rates Rooms available for up to 4 people Book online and save $$$ www.easystay.com.au Or call 1300 30 17 30 Melbourne Central YHA 562 Flinders St Melbourne 3000 Ph: (+613) 9621 2523 melbcentral@yhavic.org.au www.yha.com.au Centrally located, close to public transport and major attractions. Free city circle tram on doorstep,24 hour reception, wifi and Skype available. Rooftop deck. Melbourne Metro YHA 78 Howard Street North Melbourne 3051 Phone: (03) 9329 8599 melbmetro@yhavic.org.au www.yha.com.au Winner of the Victorian Tourism Award for Best Backpacker Accommodation three years running! 24 hour reception. Exford Hotel 199 Russell Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9663 2697 res@exfordhotel.com.au www.exfordhotel.com.au

Nomads Melbourne 196-198 A’Beckett Street, Melbourne, VIC 3000 Freecall: 1800 44 77 62 Ph: 03 9328 4383 bookings@nomadsmelbourne.com nomadshostels.com Funkiest backpackers in Melbourne! Back of Chapel 50 Green St, Windsor Prahran, Vic 3181 Ph: 03 9521 5338 www.backofchapel.com Nomads All Nations 2 Spencer Street, Melbourne, VIC 3000 Freecall: 1800 739 989 Phone: 03 9620 1022 info@allnations.com nomadshostels.com $5 off first night (min 3 night stay) if you mention this ad Flinders Station Hotel Backpackers 35 Elizabeth Street, Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9620 5100 res@flindersbp.com.au www.flindersbp.com.au The Spencer Backpackers 475 Spencer Street, Melbourne Ph: (03) 9329 7755 1800 638 108 hotelspencer@hotkey.net.au www.spencerbackpackers.com.au Bring this ad for 40 min FREE internet (new guests only). Melbourne International Backpackers 450 Elizabeth Street, Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9662 4066 res@mibp.com.au www.mibp.com.au The Greenhouse Backpackers 228 Flinders Lane, Melbourne VIC 3000 Ph: 1800 249 207 greenhouse@friendlygroup.com.au www.greenhousebackpacker.com.au Hotel Discovery 167 Franklin Street, Melbourne VIC 300 Ph: 03 9329 7525. Freecall 1800 645 200 reservations@hoteldiscovery.com.au www.hoteldiscovery.com.au Independent & Budget Traveler Accommodation Provider Victoria Hall Accommodation 380 Russell Street Melbourne 3000 Ph: 03 9662 3888 www.victoriahall.com.au

St. Kilda Jackson Apartments 80 Ikerman St ,St Kilda Beach Ph:0433 118 334 0412 525 510 www.jacksonapartments.com.au Jackson.apartments@bigpond.com OSLO HOTEL 38 Grey St, St Kilda Melbourne Ph: 1800 501752 Free call or (03) 95254498 or mob: 0407115610 (any time) info@oslohotel.com.au www.oslohotel.com.au From $132 per week, 4 bed dorms Habitat HQ Freephone 1800 202 500 info@habitathq.com.au www.habitathq.com.au Award winning 4.5 star hostel with a homely & relaxed atmosphere Specials from $20!FREE pick up from Tullamarine (min 3 nt stay) * Conditions apply

Apollo Bay Apollo Bay Backpackers Lodge 23 Pascoe Street, Apollo Bay Ph: 1800 157 280 +61 352 377850 Mob: 0413 504 402 ww.apollobaybackpackerslodge.com.au Eco Beach YHA Eco-Hostel 5 Pascoe Street, Apollo Bay 3233 Ph: (+613) 5237 7899 apollobay@yhavic.org.au www.yha.com.au Clean, quiet and relaxing Eco-Hostel. Cosy fire in winter. DVD’s available to borrow from reception.

Halls Gap Grampians YHA Eco-Hostel Corner Grampians and Buckler Roads Halls Gap 3381 Ph: (+613) 5356 4544 grampians@yhavic.org.au www.yha.com.au Eco accredited. Solar powered. Herb garden, free range chooks and friendly local kangaroos

Phillip island The Islander 10-12 Phillip Island Tourist Rd, Newhaven, 3925, Phillip Island, Victoria, Australia Ph: (03) 5956 6123 www.theislandaccommodation.com.au

Northern Territory Darwin Ashton lodge & Wisdom Bar 48 Mitchell St, Darwin, NT, 0800 Ph: 08 8941 4866 ashtonlodge@gmail.com www.wisdombar.com.au Melaleuca on Mitchell 52 Mitchell St, Darwin, NT, 0800 Ph: 08 8941 7900 Freecall: 1300 723 437 www.momdarwin.com info@MOMDarwin.com

alice springs Annie’s Place 4 Traeger Avenue, Alice Springs , NT, 0871 Ph: 1800 359 089 www.anniesplace.com.au

South Australia Adelaide Adelaide Travellers Inn Backpackers 220 Hutt St Adelaide 5000 Free call 1800633747 Ph: +61 08 82240753 bookings@adelaidebackpackers.com.au www.adelaidebackpackers.com.au Majestic Minima Hotel 146 Melbourne Street, North Adelaide SA 5006 Ph:(08) 8334 7766 minima@majestichotels.com.au www.majestichotels.com.au OUR HOUSE BACKPACKERS 33 Gilbert Place, Adelaide, SA, 5000 Ph: 08 8410 4788 info@ourhousebackpackers.com www.ourhousebackpackers.com Adelaide Shakespeare International 123 Waymouth Street, Adelaide SA, 5000 Ph: +61 (0)8 8231-7655 (Oz Freecall) 1800-556-889 bookings@shakeys.com.au This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it www.shakeys.com.au


EMPLOYMENT/VISAS/TAX WANT TO MOVE TO AUSTRALIA?

Lots happening in the world of immigration!

i

The immigration changes have been coming thick and fast and in recent months with perhaps the most significant change being that Perth is being recognized as a regional location for immigration purposes. This change is effective now but it may still take some time to gain clarity on the Regional Certifying Body requirements. Perth employers potentially gain access to a range of occupations under the RSMS scheme which will assist to ease skill shortages. If you are backpacking around the country, stay a little longer in Perth! Compared to the standard ENS program, the RSMS program allows concessions on age, skill, salary and English language requirements where the employer can demonstrate exceptional circumstances. There is no list of occupations as such, but the position must require a person with qualifications equivalent to at least Australian diploma level unless exceptional circumstances apply. This is a major change for employers in Western Australia and potentially allows a greater range of occupations to be sourced from overseas. This is a great boost for employers in Western Australia and Queensland where the demand for skilled labour has risen dramatically in recent months. Australia has seen the highest number of 457 Visa applications and grants since 2008, according to the Department of Immigration and Citizenship. This visa subclass has seen a 38% increase in applications for the 11 months to the end of May. The mining and construction sectors accounted for the largest number of these applications at around 20%. However, make sure that you have work rights! The Department of Immigration and Citizenship has successfully prosecuted a Perth man for migration fraud and illegally supplying foreign workers to WA businesses. Although the person has not been named, it serves as a strong warning to businesses and labour agencies considering employing people without the right to work. Finally, there is likely to be more visitors from South America with electronic access for visitor visas. The Department of Immigration and Citizenship has announced that citizens of Chile will have access to the e676 electronic tourist visa from 20 September 2011. The application does not require a visa label to be placed in a passport. See www.interstaff.com

BBMLIVE.COM 15


Our resident psychic, Crystal, tells you your fortune for the month…

CRYSTAL BALLS

Libra

Hmm all I seem to be getting in my ball is a strange familiar sight that occurred last October. I see you lying on a sofa with something written on your forehead, I can’t quite make it out, only the letters c, u, and t…that doesn’t make much sense. Your trousers are around your ankles and there is a girl asleep next to you and another woman looming over you with a marker pen and a frying pan. I’m sure it’s nothing though, maybe my balls just playing up. Had to get rid of the other one…nasty infection.

Scorpio

PSST, you didn’t hear it from me, but someone’s been telling Sagittarius that you’ve been spreading rumours about him. I’d lie low for a while if I was you. By the way, don’t you think he looks like a kiddy fiddler? I heard that’s why he left the UK.

Sagittarius

Have you heard what that wanker Scorpio’s been saying about you? He said you’re a dirty peado and that’s why you left the UK. He’s probably just jealous though.

Capricorn

Incest is a slippery slope. We know your cousin is hot, but you must be made aware of the consequences of your decisions. These types of things have a way of snowballing. First you’re tongue kissing your cousin with your finger in her fanny, and the next thing you know you’re

shacked up with 12 mentally retarded children, living on the outskirts of Wagga Wagga and babbling about how Pauline Hanson has got it all right. You have been warned.

Aquarius

From one woman to another, we all know that the rainforests are dying, but there is no need for the rampant overgrowth flowing from your nether regions. Go forth and head for Brazil immediately.

Pisces

You should stick with Aquarius this month and tend to matters down south. People are starting to notice that rather off-putting aroma dear.

Aries

Anorexia is no laughing matter. However, you being a big fat pig is. Come on tubs, no one wants to see those love handles on display on Bondi. You’re looking like a product of a horrible liaison between Chris Moyles and Kerry Katona. Nights locked away in seedy city bars followed by a few slices of cheese lovers pizza have finally taken their toll and you’re now a total blob. So next time you fancy a donut, make sure you sit naked in front of a mirror whilst you eat it. The sobbing will soon put you off.

ASK CRYSTAL Dear Crystal, Basically, I slept with a guy yesterday – my dry spell was broken and it felt fab-u-lous. He was HUGE. It hurt a bit getting it in, as I have a small capacity, but it was okay when we got going. Although I’m a bit sore now, I could only describe it as the size of Red Bull can. It’s got me worried. I was just wondering whether shagging with someone with a big one make you lose tightness? I don’t want to end up with a gaping hole. Gemma, Sydney

Taurus

September is over, but that isn’t a proper reason for not keeping it professional. Sober October is a bigger crock of shit than organized religion, so it’s time to party like it’s 2099. Buy a life-like doll and go primal on its ass whilst swilling from a bottle of rum, otherwise Lord Charles Sheen will punish you.

Gemini

You’re a two faced bitch at the best of times so just remember next time your boss tries it on with you, go for it. It’ll get you that promotion and all those hard working uggos in accounts won’t need to know why the team secretary is able to afford botox and a Mercedes. Just keep those waxes up and a smile on your face and make sure you do it in front of a mirror admiring your floorless plastic rack whilst you ignore the big fat boss man’s sweaty red face and donkey-ish grunts. Sound advice my pretty.

Virgo

It really is a shame that public torture and execution isn’t socially acceptable anymore because this week you could definitely benefit from seeing someone kicking and squirming from the galleys or watching the public shit-fling at in the stockades. If public punishment was still relevant then maybe your flat mate would realize that you just don’t take the last beer. Crystal says take justice into your own hands and piss in his shampoo bottle, or indulge in a bit of shit-flinging anyway, it’s therapeutic and who says you need stockades.

Leo

What happened to that little boy who loved nothing more than reading about dinosaurs and dreaming of being an astronaut? From what I can see, he’s grown up to be a sweaty, unemployable lump of lard who cries while masturbating over of re-runs of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, unable to move with the times. Get a grip…eurgh, not like that you freak.

Dear Gemma, Oh dear. You do know that you’re supposed to be able to give birth to a 9lb baby in the future? You’ll find that not many girls will claim to love a dick as thick as a Red Bull can. A preference for above average may be common, but no real love for a massive one. You won’t stretch out much. My advice is that you should adjust to this Blackpool donkey then split up, go a week without it and then you’d be back to tight for Mr Anaconda. Congratulations on breaking your dry spell. P.S. When he bores you, send him my way. Crystal

Dear Crystal,

Dear Carol, Stick pictures of unattractive female celebrities all over the bedroom. All over it. Even to your own face if you want sex bad enough. Think Jackie Stallone, Jocelyn Wildenstein, Judi Dench, and Adele. Problem fixed.

I’m only 22, and I’m worried my sex-life is over already. The problem is, my boyfriend ejaculates in less than a minute every time, no matter what position we’re in. It’s flattering but really inconsiderate. Is there any way I can stem the flow?

Crystal

Carol, Bondi

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose? Full. Lisa, Richmond I saw a fat bird walking down the street holding a laptop the other day…I think it was a-dell. Greg, Bondi Paddy goes to the doctor’s with a hole in his arse the size of a dustbin lid and says “Doc I got raped by an elephant.” The doctor then says “Well we all know an elephant’s dick ain’t that big!” Paddy says, “Yeah I know, but he fingered me first.” Sara, Paddington Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you. Henry, Darlinghurst. WENT to a disco last night, they played ‘The Twist’ so I twisted. They played ‘Jump’ so I jumped, then they played ‘Come on Eileen’… that’s when I was kicked out. Dan, Kings Cross

BBMLIVE.COM 16

I have Attention Deficit Disorder. I get distracted easily because my head... shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes! Trent, Surry Hills My mate fell into a sewage tank and drowned. It was a really shitty way to die. Tim, Adelaide They say so many people die because of alcohol... Perhaps they never realised how many of them are born because of it. Geoff, Fremantle

“JOKES” Could you be living next door to a paedophile? Not me, I live next door to two sexy ten-year-olds. Harry, Wollongong My mum hates it when I call my stepfather Bernie. He’s pretty sensitive about the scars. Rick, Darwin

Voldermont is a lot like a teenage girl. He has a diary, a favourite ring and necklace, a tiara, a special cup, a pet he adores, and an obsession with a famous teenage boy. Alex, Byron Bay

I noticed the wife had propped up the washing machine on one side with two bricks. “What the fuck are you doing?” I asked. She replied, “Doing the washing at 30 degrees, you thick cunt” Tess, Perth

I told my new flatmate today that she reminded me of a toe. “Because I’m small and cute?” she said. “No,” I replied. “Because I’ll probably end up banging you on the coffee table when I’m drunk.” Jack, Manly

My girlfriend left me for a midget the other day. This broke my heart - I couldn’t believe she would stoop so low. Paul, Northbridge How do you make your girlfriend cry while you are having sex? Phone her up and tell her about it! Tom, Adelaide My girlfriend said that I’m too immature for her. I said “If I’m immature, how come I’ve got an Arsfor?” She said “What’s an Arsfor?” “Shitting.” I said, and giggled for 20 minutes. Claire, Byron Bay

I can’t stand those interfering people who bang on your door and tell you how you need to be “saved” or you’ll “burn”…bloody firemen. Ben, Melbourne “Kidnapping” is a strong word. I prefer to think of it as “surprise adoption.” Lenny, St Kilda


FROM THE UK THE jilted wife of a Liberal MP got back at her cheating husband’s lover in fine style recently – by taking out her love rival’s pussy. Booyah! Sadly, unlike the DVDs in the gap under BBM’s sock drawer, this story has nothing to do with cat-fighting and muff-mashing. Instead, Christine Hemming, the wife of MP John Hemming, broke into his lover’s apartment in Birmingham, took her pet kitten and snuck out again. Think Fatal Attraction... only shitter. And with all the main characters sounding like Slade. Unfortunately for Christine, she failed to see the CCTV cameras strategically placed around the premises during her catburgling escapades. And as if being dumped for a cat-obsessed, politicianshagging Brummie wasn’t humiliating enough, footage in court showed Christine crawling on her hands and knees under a window before sneaking into the house to steal the kitten. It’s a real mystery why their marriage didn’t last. We think John might have made the right choice although it’s always hard to dump a woman who’s keen to get on her hands and knees when there’s dirty work to be done.

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WE never used to pay much attention to the monarchy here at BBM until we watched the Royal Wedding last April. But that all changed the moment we saw Pippa Middleton’s arse. Now when BBM wanks, we wank for Queen and Country. But even our depraved Pippa-licious musings don’t come close to matching those of American Robert James Moore, who’s still taking creepiness to new heights despite the notable handicap of being dead. The Royal Family fanatic’s remains have just been unearthed on a hidden island with views of Buckingham Palace after being discovered by a tree surgeon working in St James Park. The 69-year-old sent hundreds of bizarre packages to the Queen – including pornographic images and 600page letters. Sounds like quite the rascal. He also had a long history of mental problems. No shit. According to the coroner who examined the body, Dr Fiona Wilcox, the spot in St James Park offered “an excellent, unimpeded view of the palace�. Really? What’s the betting that if they dig deeper they’ll find a telescope and a box of Kleenex?

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BBMLIVE.COM 17 BBM-608 // CLASSIFIEDS


SPORT

FOOTBALL NEWS

As the Premier League season starts to take shape a few teams seem to be showing more cracks than the dry leather wallet in Arsene Wenger’s pocket. Here is our take on a few teams that have been under the spotlight in more ways than one: Why Newcastle deserve a medal, why Owen Coyle should be worried and is Phil Jones a contender with Smalling to become ‘The New Ferdinand’?

Bolton’s slide is looking a bit worrying

Owen Coyle must be dizzy after coming full circle on his wheel of fortune - his team was once sitting comfortably in sixth at Christmas after an impressive opening half of the 2010-11 season, and as the shops begin to turn unreasonably festive again (can’t believe there are Christmas adverts in the paper already) the mood at Bolton is anything but jolly. They have now equalled their worst start to a Premier League season when Sammy Lee’s side managed one win from their opening six games in 2007-08. Lee scraped five points from nine matches before Bolton’s chairman punched the button on the trap door to get rid of him. It seems unlikely that Coyle will come under such pressure yet, even if Chelsea are the next visitors to the Reebok. Defeat at the Emirates means Bolton have matched the five-game losing run that dropped them from eighth to 14th at the end of 2010-11. Doubts surrounded their ability to score after losing Johan Elmander and loanee Daniel Sturridge but it is the defense that has proved most suspect, conceding 16 goals, the most in the league. Fair enough, the first fixtures were Manchester City, Liverpool, Manchester United and Arsenal, but a morale battering start is bound to affect the team. It took Mr. Potato Head himself, Gary Megson, managed to dig them out of trouble four seasons ago. Does Coyle have a backup plan?

It’s not going to be all that easy for United

Stoke at the Britannia. 50-50. The dip test. It almost seemed certain that United’s winning run was going to end at some point , you just had to look at back line they had to field which included Antonio Valencia at right-back, and given that Rooney is injured, this was a pretty good result. Stoke created plenty of chances and David de Gea has proved that he maybe the one to break the dreaded “Schmeichel Curse” (he is currently the best goalkeeper in the Prem according to EA’s rankings) by keeping the majority of efforts out. Perhaps the most surprising thing was that this was Stoke’s first Premier League point against United, in seven meetings, and their first since 1984. The man who nodded in Stoke’s equalizer, Peter Crouch, is a rare bird (if that was not obvious just to look at him), one of only six players to score for six different clubs in the Premier League. The other names on that distinguished list are Les Ferdinand, Andrew Cole, Craig Bellamy, Nick Barmby and Marcus Bent – illustrious company indeed.

Newcastle deserve more credit

When Newcastle sacked Chris Hughton last December, everyone tipped them to go down. When they subsequently replaced him with Alan Pardew, everyone tipped them to go down. When January came and Andy Carroll went, everyone tipped them to go down, and the trend continued when Joey Barton, José Enrique and Kevin Nolan were sold in the summer. Newcastle are currently fourth in the Premier League, unbeaten and above Arsenal, Liverpool and Tottenham. It does not quite herald the return of the days when they could challenge for the title under Kevin Keegan or Sir Bobby Robson, a small squad means Newcastle are unlikely to remain in the Champions League places for long and, despite their lofty nose-bleed position, everyone is waiting for Mike Ashley to screw it all up again. As we all wait for the fat ticking time bomb to go off, for now it looks as though the idea of shifting older, more expensive players and replacing them with younger, cheaper models, for example swapping Barton and Kevin Nolan for Ben Arfa and Yohan Cabaye, means that Newcastle are surely on the right path. Cabaye caught the eye in the draw at Villa last weekend and this week it was the turn of another new signing to win over his new fans. Demba Ba has, surprisingly, been fairly underwhelming since signing from West Ham in the summer, and funnily enough, Ba ‘blamed’ his poor form on not being able to eat a pre-match meal before hand. The result? He played against Blackburn and scored a hat-trick, his first goal a shot that arced beautifully into the top corner. It’s not the first time Blackburn have been done over by food this season… (http://www.youtube.com watch?v=IYwf2SBWa5o)

Phil Jones marries Rugby and Football perfectly

There have been few sights more thrilling this season than Phil Jones imperiously marauding forward from the back like a cross between Franz Beckenbauer (OK, maybe not THAT far) and Juggernaut from The X-Men. He has already created goals for Wayne Rooney against Bolton and Chelsea with his barnstorming runs and he was at it again against Stoke on more than one occasion, though an end product was not forthcoming this time. On first glance he looks like a rugby player who has mistakenly found his way on to a football pitch but that is doing him a favour, because there is much more grace to Phil Jones than that. Rio Ferdinand must feel like he is looking into a mirror of the past when playing with him. When he was a youngster at West Ham, if the game was won, he used to pull out the tricks in the latter stages of matches, loping forward from the back and showing off his skills. Those flights of fancy are all in the past now. Never grow old, Phil.

Andre Villas-Boas is NOT Jose Mourhino

Plenty of people were worried about how André Villas-Boas would handle the OAP players at Chelsea when he arrived at Stamford Bridge. If his benching of Frank Lampard against Fulham and Swansea City after removing him at half-time against Manchester United is anything to go by, that was a lot of unnecessary worrying. Villas-Boas and Lampard are the same age – 33 – but that did not stop the Portuguese manager overlooking a player whose name has been one of the first on the team sheet for the last 10 years at Chelsea, a decision that was justified by two goals from Ramires. With Raul Meireles finding his own in midfield along with Juan Mata and Fernando Torres causing havoc in attack, the signs are that Chelsea are starting to benefit from Villas-Boas’s ideas. By Ross Fisher BBMLIVE.COM 18

The usually reserved and quiet manager of Swindon Town, Paolo di Canio, has said he will order players to dive in matches to win penalties. The ref-pushing, Nazi-saluting West Ham legend was a tad miffed when striker Matt Ritchie had a penalty appeal dismissed against Macclesfield after trying to stay on his feet when he was tripped by the keeper. “From now on I will tell my players to dive,” Di Canio (pictured) ranted. “From now on I will bring in a different culture because this was a red card and penalty. I’d prefer that they risk getting a yellow card for simulation. My team are the only ones who do not dive somewhere around the field.” Will it help Swindon overcome the fact that they have a deranged Italian lunatic in charge of their team? Only time will tell. But we suspect it’ll be midtable obscurity on the field and headline-grabbing controversy off the field for the Robins this season. At the end of last season, Nottingham Forest chairman Nigel Doughty had a decision to make. “Do I stick with a manager who, while he may be a pain in the ass, has constantly gotten teams on a tight budget into the Championship play-offs? Or do I hire a very boring, very affable manager with a track record of throwing huge sums of money at mediocre players to achieve very little success.” Alas, Doughty chose the latter option, dumping Billy ‘successive play-offs’ Davies for Steve ‘comical accents’ McClaren. Inevitably, McClaren was shit – spending a fortune to bring Premier League level players to the club, moaning when he couldn’t get more, and then leading the club to fourth bottom after six defeats in 10 games. It was no surprise when McClaren walked away from the club, somehow managing to tarnish his already shit reputation, but less predictable was Doughty stepping down from his position as well. “It was a very poor decision on my behalf to appoint him,” said Doughty. “I felt it was appropriate I take some responsibility and am stepping down as well as soon as we find a replacement.” Cheer up Forest fans, at least Peter Ridsdale isn’t available. Richard Gadsby

RUGBY WORLD CUP With their stunning good lucks, England heroics and ultra-posh wives, it’s almost impossible to tell Mike Tindall and David Beckham apart these days. So it was inevitable that the strikingly-beautiful Tindall (pictured) would have a ‘Rebecca Loos’ moment after he was snapped ‘canoodling’ with a mystery blonde on a night out at the Rugby World Cup. But like the good boy he is, Tindall held his hands up, admitted he’d had a couple of drinks in the bar with her and gone home. Fair play. Unfortunately, more footage of him appeared in a different bar on the same night with his blonde ladyfriend still in tow. Again, Tindall held his hands up “it’s a fair cop” he said, admitting he’d lied the first time and claiming he was too drunk to remember going to the other bar. Now it’s emerged the “mystery” blonde was an ex-girlfriend of Tindall’s. Oh dear. At the current rate of development, there should be pictures on the web of Tindall with his cock in the blonde’s mouth by the middle of November. Let’s see how he gets out of that one. Richard Gadsby


BBM Live issue 628