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April Fools Day, 2014
How much is a college degree ACTUALLY worth?? DJ Phallus
MOTHER OF TWO With the cost of tuition soaring and high rates of employment among recent graduates, many are questioning whether a college education is worth anything anymore. But amid this debate, it remains clear the value of a college degree is not diminished at all and, in fact, has remained stable for decades at $7. The University of Wisconsin prides itself on turning out top of the line, high quality college degrees and that begins with the paper. They don’t skimp on the paper, opting for an off-white, medium weight bond paper, valued at $1.25 a sheet. After pouring as much as $60,000 into your state school education, the university doesn’t skimp on your way out the door like Michigan and Minnesota, which award degrees on class 8.5 x 11 printer paper. Your newly-minted degree will also prove invaluable — actually, valued at $2 — when
you get a look at that raised engraved seal of Madison’s official branding. The glossy “University of Wisconsin-Madison” typeface embossed on the last four to five years of your life. But the cost of your college degree could not be complete without the gold foiling that frames the UW crest on your degree — the summation of all your blood, sweat and tears in dogged pursuit of your Millennial American Dream — costs a pretty penny ($.75). Last but not least, your degree bears the imprint of those who have touched your college experience the most, mentoring and encouraging you through it all: Ray Cross, president of the UW System; Chancellor Becky Blank; and Board of Regents President Michael Falbo. The ink stamping of their signatures will set you back $1 each. But when you’re sitting in your old room in your parents’ house, contemplating your liberal arts degree, unemployment and student debt repayment, you’ll know it was all worth it.
Block party on random street not ‘anti-Revelry’ A group of University of Wisconsin students are organizing an end-of-theyear block party, although supporters stress the party is not “anti-Revelry” and that students should be allowed to attend both freely. Supporters of the plan hope to hold the alterna-
tive celebration on the same day as Revelry in a neighborhood south of West Johnson Street but north of West Washington Avenue. Supporters stress, however, that the same date is a coincidence. “We wanted to have an end-of-the year block party event, and it’s not anti-
Revelry,” Charles Brah, the block party’s spokesperson, said. “It’s the last weekend of the semester, so that’s just the day it happened to fall on.” Brah said the idea for an end-of-the-year block party came to him in a dream, possibly brought on by drinking, in which a
younger version of Mayor Paul Soglin appeared to him. He said Soglin urged him to found a celebration as a protest against the war in Afghanistan, which has been fought for almost 13 years. Brah said he appreciated Soglin’s suggestion, but wanted to add a few other
elements to the event such as house parties, kegs and two-story plastic tubes with funnels. He said the block hopes to have a few stages where local musicians will play, although the main focus of the event will be drinking and occasional violence. “I mean, having a pro-
test against a war is OK, but I really, really just want to have a whole block of house parties,” Brah said. “I imagine standing ankle-deep in beer cans and not knowing what is going on or having any memory of it later. Then I plan to study for finals the next day.”
Blank had role in Waka Flocka choice, emails show
Email and text exchanges reveal that UW Chancellor Becky Blank was instrumental in getting the rapper and her good on this year’s Revelry lineup.
New emails recently leaked from the office of UW Chancellor Rebecca Blank show she may have had more than a hand in the decision to choose rapper Waka Flocka Flame to headline this year’s Revelry festival. The emails date back over a year and suggest Blank is perhaps Flocka’s biggest fan. The chancellor’s correspondence with the rapper, whose real name is Juaquin Malphurs, began as early as last May, post Revelry 2013. The first email, subject line “performance PLZ,” details Blank’s love for such hits as “No Hands” and “Going
Hard in Da Paint.” However, the emails also show Blank’s more in-depth appreciation for the rapper, citing some little known favorites. “Your music really speaks to me,” Blank wrote in an email. “But more importantly, songs like ‘College Girl,’ ‘Red Ferrari’ and ‘Tax Money’ truly speak to the Wisconsin Idea.” The chancellor proceeded to request via email Flocka’s appearance at not only Revelry, but also various Welcome Week events, Freakfest and even Commencement. Jon Huntsman could not be reached for comment on being runner-up to Waka Flocka
Flame. The rapper eventually agreed to appear at Revelry 2014, where he said he plans to perform some of his biggest hits. Flocka also said he is, in fact, a fan of the chancellor as well.
“Housed in university building...Pays no rent...Registered Student Organization...Uses Wisc.edu emails...Now 100% alumni-funded.”
He noted in an email that his 2013 track “Real Recognize Real” was actually an ode to Blank’s performance as acting Secretary of Commerce. Revelry will take place May 3, 2014 at the Memorial Union on Langdon Street.
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April Fools’ Day, 2014
Marijuana referendum set to fail Tuesday Night Cheese Workin’ on it
Polling leading up to the election April 1 revealed Dane County residents are strongly opposed to legalizing marijuana. T h e c i t y ’s c o n s e n s u s is that marijuana just isn’t doing the trick. Residents who’ve been smoking illegal cannabis since its discovery in 1960 have grown t o l e ra n t t o t h e d r u g ’s psychoactive effects a n d w o u l d l i ke t o s e e a
referendum for drugs with a little more kick. “ I u s e d t o l i ke s m o k ing pot when I was in high school but these d ay s I f i n d m y s e l f i n the mood for a little bit of LSD or shrooms,” Alice Dee, UW sophomore, said “My favorite is combining them, I call it LSDooms.” Billy Hash, a middle schooler who thinks h e ’s h o t s h i t , i s s u p e r a n n oy e d t h a t h e i s n o t old enough to vote. He recently s m o ke d for the first time and
thinks marijuana is a lot of fun. The results of the election come as a surprise after the decision to put marijuana legalization on the ballot was unanimously accepted. “ We thought Dane County would be receptive to having this on the ballot,” Leland Pan, Dane County Supervisor said. “The vote in Dane County was supposed to be a gamechanger for all of Wisconsin.”
‘Just can’t right now’ epidemic sweeps UW campus Or Whatever IDK
From East Coast to West Coast, from Big Ten to Pac-12, Ivy League to technical schools, female college students across the country are suffering from a devastating condition. Numbers are increasing everywhere of girls who “just can’t right now.” University of Wisconsin’s campus has been hit with the infectious outbreak, with reports of girls who describe symptoms of “just caaaaaan’t” or “can’t even” heavily concentrated in areas near Langdon Street. UHS officials are stunned and this epidemic leaves researchers in utter confusion, UHS Director Sarah Van
Orman said. “What can’t they do? How can they? Is there anyone who can? Would they do it if they could? We’ve met an endless list of questions as such,” Van Orman said. “We are left wondering if these victims ever will be able to.” All studies remain inconclusive. Recently, it has even been brought to the attention of the U.S. Department of Public Health. Even President Barack Obama has addressed the issue. “In my acceptance speech in 2008, I told this nation ‘Yes, we can.’ Finding out that girls across the United States ‘just can’t’ is a great concern to me,” he said.
A recently plagued victim from an unnamed location on Langdon Street agreed to speak out about her condition; however, the interview process was difficult to endure. When asked how she got the illness she said, “I can’t, I just can’t. I can’t right now.” We ended the questioning at that. Circumstances that induce situations where these girls can’t include running into a drunk hook-up at Starbucks, getting the zipper on a Northface parka stuck before lecture and finding a joke too incredibly hysterical to handle.
“What can’t they do? How can they? Is there anyone who can? Would they do it if they could? We’ve met an endless list of questions as such.” -Sarah Van Orman, UHS Director While some students are able to go about their daily lives, some have been hit by the loss of the ability to can. Long strings of texts exclaiming “I just caaan’t” are one of the symptoms of the illness.
an ad could go here
April Fools’ Day, 2014
POLL: WALKER LEADS IN RACE VS. OTHER ONE story by Hot Ham & Rolls
Gov. Scott Walker will face an opponent in the upcoming Nov. elections, and polls are showing that half the state is likely to vote for the candidate that is not him A new poll released Monday shows Gov. Scott Walker holding a sevenpoint lead on his Democratic opponent in Wiscon-
sin’s upcoming November elections, in a development experts suggest may be because nobody knows his opponent’s name or
her stance on issues. According to a Marquette Law School Poll, 49 percent of Wisconsin’s likely voters would vote
for Walker in the election, while 41 percent replied that they’ll vote for that “other one.” “Walker’s kept a consistent and strong message of cutting government spending and taxes, while … um … his opponent, you know who I’m talking about? Yeah. She’s certainly doing something,” Charles Franklin, the Marquette Law School professor who oversees the poll, said. Franklin said many voters are not pleased with Walker’s tactics and stances on critical issues such as health care and education, but express genu-
ine shock that not only is he facing re-election later this year but that somebody has stepped forward to challenge him. Franklin added even he was surprised to find out that Walker had a challenger. “When I saw a draft of the poll, I went and asked my pollsters if they were sure he had an opponent and that it wasn’t a mistake — it was the first time I was hearing about it,” Franklin said. “Most of them said no, but one guy kept on insisting so we Googled it. Sure enough, someone was running against
him.” Walker spokesperson Tom Evenson said the poll showed voters are pleased with Walker’s reforms, while his opponent would probably do something bad. He said this “bad thing” would probably cause job losses, although he admitted he was not entirely sure what she would do, who she was or why she would run. Democratic Party of Wisconsin chair Mike Tate declined comment on the poll until he had verified that his party was in fact running a candidate against Walker.
UW junior updates study abroad blog for second time Kitty Kat
SPACE CAT EXPERT
In a move that surprised her friends and family, a University of Wisconsin junior studying abroad in Paris posted to her blog for the second time this semester Monday afternoon. The 400 word update to her blog called “J’ai Wanderlust” marked Peggy Johnson’s first post since departing in January. She said she realized over the weekend she had gotten caught up in all the fun and forgot to remember her audience, comprised of two of her aunts and her little sister.
Highlights from her blog post included photos of her making a “W” with her fingers in front of the Eiffel Tower as well as a description of her day-long quest to find a Starbucks, where “they have normal sized coffee servings, LOL.” “I realized that I hadn’t posted to my blog in a while, and thought ‘shoot, I hope nobody is worried about me!’” Johnson said as she uploaded her 708th photo to her Facebook album
called “#PeggysinParis,” which includes several overly-edited photos and a series of almost identical selfies with croissants captioned “#croissantlyfe!” Highlights from her
Guy watching porn at Gordon Commons had good excuse Bailey Henchman
LIKES PIZZA AND COFFEE Earlier in March a student was caught watching porn at a computer kiosk inside of Gordon Commons. What was not revealed was the reason for why he was using University of Wisconsin property to view various pornography sites around the web during Gordon’s busiest hours. “I had just had the worst day of my life,” freshman music major Aubrey Graham said. “Too many drinks had been given to me the night before, so I called my ex-girlfriend and poured my heart out earlier in the morning. She refused to think about the good times we had and I awkwardly told her to take a shot for me. To make matters worse I had forgotten to do laundry that night and so all I had to wear was a pair of sweatpants.”
Graham said that because he had forgotten to do laundry he had no clean briefs to wear and in his hung-over state he sprinted to his auditions in Mosse Humanities without them to do his cover of “I Swear” by All 4 One. During the audition fellow music majors recall Graham getting about halfway through the chorus before letting out a distinct “Ahhhhhh” sound and sprouting a very visible and humiliating erection. “Honestly these are the kind of things you imagine happening on the set of High School Musical,” sophomore music major Connor Smith said. “Sure I’ve hidden one under a desk, but never in front of the entire class. Waist band it, bro.” Visibly shaken, Graham was seen sprinting out of the classroom towards East Campus Mall at high speed. Security cameras at Gordon Commons show Graham sit-
ting down at a computer kiosk and looking over his shoulders frantically as if to make sure he was in the clear. “At that point I had already hit rock har — I mean bottom,” Graham said. “I knew that my roommate would be home, so this was my only chance to relieve some stress. There is something about doing it in public that makes you feel so alive. My mom always told me that you only live once.” Police were called when no one dared disturb Graham during his moment of bliss. As police neared the scene witnesses said Graham bashfully sang the words, “They know, they know, they know” as if to calm himself down. “I have never been more embarrassed in my life,” Graham said. “Except for that time when I got caught faking a physical disability in high school. Chicks love a guy in a wheelchair.”
blog post included photos of her making a “W” with her fingers in front of the Eiffel Tower as well as a description of her day-long quest to find a Starbucks where “they have normal sized
coffee servings, LOL.” Johnson also detailed her weekend trip to London with her betches, where she took pictures captioned with “On Wisconsin!” in front of Big Ben and duck faced in front of a Queen’s Guard. She said when making the blog she decided to pay extra for a customized style on Wordpress, which has cursive lettering and a pink background with little candies because it “just felt so like Paris, you know?” At press time, Johnson’s blog had no pageviews.
4? April Fools’ Day, 2014
‘Bound 2’ to replace ‘On Wisconsin’ Bob Romulus
Who to blame Editor in Chief
Print Managing Editor
Digital Managing Editor
Resnick n Verveer 4evr
Tea and tunics
Pancakes and Puppies
Stressing the need for a new fight song for a new era of Badger sports, a University of Wisconsin Athletics Department advisory board voted unanimously Monday to replace the traditional “On Wisconsin” with Kanye West’s “Bound 2.” While the Fan Council, created last semester to address common Game Day issues, aimed to change the “eat shit, fuck you chant” during football games, council members decided to “hell with it” and to “go with the flow,” UW Athletics spokesperson Justin Doherty said. “There’s just something about the
‘I want to fuck you
hard in the sink / after that get you something to drink,’ that says Wisconsin,” Doherty said. He added the council also considered the song “I am a God” from Yeezus but decided against it because of Athletic Director Barry Alvarez’s insistent demand that it be played for him at all times. “I just feel like ‘Bound 2’ is a song
that people can really relate to,” Chancellor Rebecca Blank said. “I remember when I was still ‘bound to fall in love’ with Wisconsin when I came to campus last year, similar to how Kanye was still falling in love with Kim. The song is the living embodiment of the Wisconsin Idea and our mission to give back to all of the communities across the state.” “Now hurry up with my damn croissants,” Blank added, to her secretary. Doherty added that UW Athletics is already working on a music video to present the song and decision to the rest of the campus. He said he could not provide many details on production, other than the final video will involve a green screen, two Bucky Badger mascots and a motorcycle.
Kale chips and sriracha tho
Jon Huntsman saw mean tweets, feels bad Poopy McPooperson POOP WRITER
Red and puffyeyed, with tear tracks down his face and tissues strewn around, Jon Huntsman called his mom over the weekend saying University of Wisconsin students were being mean. Following the announcement of Huntsman as UW’s commencement speaker, he was found sniffling under his covers as flashbacks of being the last kid to be picked for dodgeball and hanging from the flag post by a wedgie replayed in his mind. The brokenhearted Huntsman couldn’t believe that no one remembered he had also rubbed Abe’s toe and drank non-alcoholic beer at the Terrace while he completed his music degree at UW. UW students expressed outrage that the speaker was not nearly conservative enough to be representative of the Republican major-
ity town. Students decried efforts of Huntsman’s bipartisanship as signs of weakness and failure to hold steadfast to his beliefs. “Look at the precedent he sets, constantly crossing over party lines,” UW student Davy Rookstide said. “How can we expect to maintain the integrity of our nation if we compromise our morals?” UW College Republicans said they would continue to lobby for Michele Bachmann, who Rookstide said would be a more inclusive speaker. Others however, supported the announcement and said Huntsman was a bold choice from the diverse, marginalized women speakers the university had a habit of recruiting in previous years. “It’s a refreshing change,” UW professor Kathy McGregor said. “This is an average guy that students are actually going to be able to relate to.”
FOR MY AUNT BERTHA
As the news of UW’s choice to have Jon Huntsman speak at commencement this year spread and people tweeted mean things about the choice, the politician cried and called his mother.
page arts April Fools’ Day, 2014
Steamy, pulsating sex advice from UW betch Sarah Johnson
SEX EXPERT/UW SENIOR Hey, sexy Badgers! It’s your main sex kitten Becky Blank here. We’ve got a ton of questions flooding into the inbox, so we’re gonna get to a couple of the juiciest ones right now. My pussy is wet with anticipation of answering these, so let’s get started before I squirt all over these union budget papers I’ve got sitting in
front of me. Hi Becky!!! Love your column. My bf really wants us to start role-playing but I just think it’s too weird! What should I do here? Thx. Role-playing is a big step in any sexual relationship. I encourage an open dialogue between you and your partner. Find out what kinds of characters turn him on. Similarly, think of characters who turn you on: Elementary
school teacher? That hot second cousin? Leonardo DiCaprio in “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?” Anything goes. For me, nothing gets me going quite like acting out my kinky days back in Washington. I’ll have my husband put on his best suit and pretend to be Gary Locke, former U.S. Secretary of Commerce and current U.S. Ambassador to China. Then he drills me in all my holes
and cums all over my back! It really ignites our often stagnant, monotonous marriage. Hey, Rebecca. I really want to start having sex outside and in public places. Do you have any advice on how to have good public sex or where to do it? You’re talking to the reigning queen of public sex. Every Friday night for the past eight months, I’ve held orgies behind Bascom Hall starting at 10 p.m.
I took Adderall and went to College Library Chad Douchewitz DRUG COLUMNIST
This Sunday, in anticipation of writing a 10-page paper for an anthropology class, I took 30 mg of Adderall before heading to College Library for an excruciating test of mental endurance. I started off the essay-writing process by standing in front of the library. I stared down at the three pills lying in the palm of my sweaty hand, where they sat motionless. A wind rustled through my hair. It was a peculiar wind, one that seemed to whisper, “This is your destiny.” I put the pills in my mouth and washed them down with some cold Dr. Pepper. I walked to the front doors, then stopped. “Fuck yeah, motherfucker,” I
said. Then I walked in. I found a table on the third floor and set up my work station. I opened a Word document and typed my name in the top left corner. “Fuck yeah. Good start,” I whispered to myself. I spent 20 minutes trying to highlight stuff in my textbook, but couldn’t focus. Then it hit. “Fuck yeah,” I said. Suddenly, I was typing like a monkey on Adderall with a keyboard in front of his face and a looming paper deadline. I didn’t know if what I was writing was good, but at least I was writing. Fuck yeah. As I plowed through scholarly articles about Central African tribes, I stumbled across a picture of topless African women. Instant blood flow
They’re B.Y.O.B. and mostly faculty, some students. There’s nothing quite like getting all wet and sweaty with fellow professors and deans of students. UWPD has caught on to it by now, but they let it happen because I’m chancellor of the university. I’ve fucked numerous partners in Union South’s Marquee Theater; the third floor of the Capitol Building; Abe Lincoln’s lap; the living room of Sig-
ma Alpha Epsilon; and, of course, the Terrace (only during wintertime). My advice for good public sex is to find a place and have sex there. Hi, Chancellor Blank. I’m a freshman at UW with a girlfriend who’s really into poop, like in a sexual way. She says she wants to poop on my chest during sex. Is this normal? Of course. I love it when my husband shits all over my face. Yum!
CAPTION THIS !
below the belt. I needed to attend to this. I spent two-and-a-half hours furiously jacking off in the men’s bathroom stall. It was only after I realized that two hours had passed that I thought I should get back to my paper. I came all over the toilet seat. “Fuck … yeah,” I said under my breath. Back to my work station. It was now four in the morning. My paper was halfway done. I knocked off two more pages, then passed the fuck out. I woke up at 8:30, 20 minutes before my paper was due. Went to class and turned in an incomplete essay lacking any sort of conclusion and probably glaring grammatical mistakes. All in all, Adderall is fucking tight.
~ApRiL~ April 5 April 1
March Madness: April Edition
Disneynature’s “Bears” in theaters
April 20 Easter and 4/20
April 11 One-month anniversary of 9/11’s thirteenth half-birthday
Free coffee at some church somewhere
Edible Book Day
Go to Grandma’s to make sure she’s still alive
Not Veterans Day
April 30 Racism still exists
April Fools’ Day, 2014
Nation captivated by student’s opinions on Ukraine GABBY DECKER
REALLY JUST A PLACEHOLDER As a 19-year-old freshman political science major and weekly viewer of CNN, I feel very qualified to share with my readers my opinions of the situation in Ukraine, although this is simply a campus newspaper in Wisconsin,
and the conflict in which Ukraine and Russia are involved in is one of international proportions. Regardless, the situation looks pretty bad. The world held its breath as we approached the brink of war, and America seized the opportunity to remain inactive (let’s not forget that Obama should
be more assertive. Seriously, what is he doing?). Also, can we all agree that Putin seems like a villainous guy? He’s probably borderline evil, in fact. Time for a quick digression: remember Syria? That situation was pretty bad too. What is happening to the world, really?
Perhaps no country and no individual should have nuclear weapons. That could really solve lots of problems. Then there would be no wars and much world peace. Who doesn’t like peace? I definitely like peace, as do my political science professor and my parents. We all like peace.
Peace. If I was president, I would try to instill peace, help the homeless, solve world hunger, cure cancer and rectify every bad decision made by former presidents. And I would reign indefinitely because I’d be such a good president that the constitutional amendment
restricting presidencies to two terms wouldn’t apply. Oh, and we’d just annihilate Russia. And that’s my vision of the perfect world. We would lose Russia, but we’d have peace. When I run for president in 25-odd years, vote for me and my platform of peace.
Letter: alcohol consumption suspected in Sellery Hall My weekly schedule is one dedicated to the pursuit of academic excellence. Monday nights I stay in my dorm room in Sellery studying, Tuesday nights I stay in my dorm room studying, Wednesday nights I sometimes go to the SAC to study, but usually I am in my dorm room. Thursday nights I study in my dorm room, as with my Friday and Saturday nights too. Sunday nights I allow myself to watch Netflix for one hour — and then devote the rest of the evening to my studies.
That has been my life for the past seven months, and due to my constant presence in the dorm, I can’t shake this awful feeling that students on my floor are not in sync with my schedule, that, in fact, many don’t spend every evening studying like I do. I even think, and I may be bold in saying this, that my underage floormates are actually engaging in illegal activities, specifically the consumption of alcohol and, quite possibly drugs on many weeknights. And the worst part? The one authority figure on my
floor, my house fellow, is in on it. He drinks with them. I may be putting myself in danger by writing this, but word of this needs to reach the right ears in order to instill the necessary change. This drinking conspiracy is bigger than you, bigger than me, and it needs to end. Let’s work together to save Sellery and bring the collective BAC back to my level, zero. Our futures, and the future of this great nation, are at stake, should this illicit activity continue.
’S EYE VIEW
A D V E R T O R I A L OUR THOUGHTS ON ASM
#sport April Fools’ Day, 2014
LAKE MIGHT STILL BE FROZEN FOR HOCKEY GAME Ghost of Vilas RUNNING SHIT
The Wisconsin men’s hockey team announced Saturday that it will play an outdoor exhibition game on Lake Mendota in May as part of a monthlong celebration of the careers of nine seniors. Ironically enough, Wisconsin’s opponent for the game will be University of Miami (Fla.) — not to be confused with Miami (Oh.), a team the Badgers faced earlier this season — the warm weather football giant that apparently recently introduced a hockey team into its athletic program. Badgers’ head coach Mike Eaves addressed the upcoming event, saying at a time in college hockey when outdoor games have become dull and run-of-the-mill events, the UW Athletic Department has invested time and effort to stay ahead of the curve. “When Barry [Alvarez] told me the game was a go I could hardly believe it. College hockey and the marvels of modern science have come such a long way since I played
here over 30 years ago,” Eaves, who was a Badger skater from 1974-1978, said. Although the game could not be staged on Mendota during the regular season due to the occupation of the lake by a group of local bullies, nicknamed the “Mighty Mites,” the length of the Wisconsin winter and the water quality of the lake allows it to remain frozen year round making the May game a reality. “At first when I heard about the game I thought coach [Eaves] was joking. He kind of gets this weird smile after he tells you stuff sometimes, and I thought he was just trying to pull one over on me, because what lake is still frozen in May? Then I remembered it’s Lake Mendota,” senior forward Patrick Johnson, still suffering from postconcussion syndrome, said. It’s still yet to be determined how the specifics for the event will work or if anyone actually believes that the event can happen without interference from freak weather events like the thawing of
the lake. Relatedly, questions of player safety have also arisen, but Eaves assured everyone that if a player can make a splitsecond decision with the puck he will know what to do if he caves through
the ice. Eaves also announced that Wisconsin will sport brand new uniforms for the event that include red water wings on the sleeves and skates that resemble miniature pon-
toons. Fans interested in seeing the game from a new perspective also have the opportunity to purchase tickets for the floating section behind the eastern goal that includes an
inner tube complete with a beer koozie. “This is going to start a new age in college hockey. If you know how to swim, you’re not going to want to miss this game,” Eaves said.
Scoring more points key to team’s win Jesse Rowins
ON TWITTER NOW In a close game between a red team and a white team, the red team won Saturday night after getting more points than the other one. The ultimate score at the end of the basketball match was 64-63, which
shows the game was close. If the white team would have scored two more points, they would have won. But they did not. At one point, a player wearing a red tank-top ran really fast, and got to the ball before anyone else. He must have
gotten a good night’s sleep the night before, or maybe he drank some Gatorade or something. Anyway, he ran really fast and scored a basket probably because he ran the fastest. The red team threw the ball at the basket from the half circle-
shaped line a lot of times, but seemed to have trouble with their throwing and jumping technique. One of the players looked frustrated, and that was kind of sad. Hopefully he’s ok now, since his team won the game. While the red team
played better and harder than the white one, both teams did share some similar strategies. Both teams seemed to sweat a lot, and their coaches yelled many times and made silly faces. All of the players also jumped at least a few times and every player’s shoes
made squeaking noises. Really, in the end it was likely the fast running and good jumping that brought the red team success despite missing the far away shots. Now they get to go on a road trip maybe, which sounds pretty sweet.
APRIL FOOLS’ DAY, 2014 DIRTYBIRD.WISC.EDU
BREAKING BUCKY: UW Athletics revealed to be drug front
Shy Ann Pierre
WHERE’S THE ROLLING ROCK With every Bucky baseball hat or bro tank emblazoned with the Motion W you buy, sources revealed Monday that you’re pouring money into one of the most elaborately camouflaged and expansive drug ring fronts in history —
the University of Wisconsin Athletics Department. Little did thousands of season ticket holders, brat stand vendors or student-athletes know, they’ve been cogs in an international drug scheme peddling cocaine, methamphetamine and PCP around the globe for years. The news broke after a
night custodian at Camp Randall happened upon a trapdoor in the women’s locker room, revealing a network of tunnels running under the football field and surrounding grounds. When Drug Enforcement Agency officials arrived at the scene, they seized some 20 tons of pure methamphetamine
(valued at about $3.5 billion); 30 tons of cocaine with a street value $800 million; and nearly 200 gallons of PCP valued at $175 million — records enough to easily secure its status as the largest drug bust of all time. “No comment,” Athletic Director Barry Alvarez said after reporters chased
him to his car, a large black van with opaque windows Monday afternoon. He added ominously: “Tread lightly.” DEA spokesperson Dan LePonne lauded the agency’s efforts bringing down an operation supplying drugs for the entire continental U.S., Canada and parts of Mexico.
“These fat cats are a classic example of finding in plain sight,” he said. “What better way to launder drug money than through a $100 million pseudo-corporation that’s well-loved by brainwashed fans but operates as a cold, calculating entity completely divorced from the university?”
Athletes accused of putting school over sports DJ SALAD
LIKES SALAD A LOT In a disturbing exposure late last Friday afternoon, several tutors and other members of the Wisconsin Athletics Academic Services revealed that more than 100 Badger athletes in cross-country, rowing, swimming and diving, among other non-revenue sports have actually been completing their own course work and somehow managing to succeed. A distraught Barry Alvarez spoke about Wiscon-
sin’s scandal Friday night at a press conference, stating he could hardly believe his Badger athletes had the audacity to do their own work. “I thought [the athletes] knew their place here at Wisconsin, but I guess I’ve been wrong before,” the Athletic Director said, pausing to admire the glimmer of his three Rose Bowl rings, all of which were on one finger. “These kids are here to win games, win championships, not waste time in the classroom.”
“If we had kids like they have over at North Carolina, athletes who know their priorities, we’d probably have won the crosscountry National Title this year and the women’s swimming team would have been right near the top at the NCAA Championships.” Of the little information known so far about the scandal, it appears to have been a diligent individual effort with little to no collaboration between athletes and the different sports teams.
“I just don’t know how something like this could happen. To think that they wanted to do well in school and get a degree … it hurts,” Alvarez said, making note of the 98 percent graduation rate of the cross-country teams. “This is a trying time for Badger athletics.” An athlete, who wished to remain anonymous for the story out of fear of losing his scholarship, said that he and his teammates regularly attended office hours for help understanding more difficult
concepts and to build a better rapport with professors. They also had only used tutors when they needed an extra set of eyes for a paper and rarely did those tutors change anything besides small grammatical errors. With such a prevalent scandal strongly rooted in the moral values of the athletes, Alvarez belabored the point that fixing the behavior will be a long and arduous task. He ultimately believes that with some careful and less transparent work of those
within the athletic department, the non-revenue athletes can be brought back up to the standard of the football and basketball players. “I truly believe we can get these kids to understand that winning is the most important lesson they can learn in college and you don’t need a degree to be a winner,” Alvarez said. “Work in the classroom won’t help them learn that lesson. The work on the field and in the weight room is all that matters.”