5 minute read
Built NOT to Break
by- Sheleta Renee
Ring around the Rosey, a life filled with poison, ashes to ashes, we all fall down. They say love is never supposed to hurt no matter who is giving the love out but putting your trust in a man whose only desire is to use you and get out of you what he desires, is a recipe for a perfect toxic relationship. We have all heard of a toxic relationship but when there is a scientific name for that toxic love, it makes it all real.
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Narcissistic personality disorder
— one of several types of personality disorders — is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.
In layman’s terms, it is someone who will use you until they have used you up. I loved me. I loved everything about life and would never have imagined that I would find myself in a relationship with a man who would take the time to break me down little by little. Not ME! I was on top of my game, I was big on protecting my peace and I didn’t take anything off anyone, but baby let me tell you, when the heart wants what the heart wants, you will see yourself doing things that you would never think you would do. For eight years, I poured into a man who I thought was going to be my forever. There was nothing that I wouldn’t do for him, and I made that known.
Slowly I began making excuses for the snappy remarks or being accused of something that I knew I had not done, but remember it was all in the name of love. He told me so many times he loved me, he would never hurt me, and the big one, I reminded him of his grandmother which I later found to be a huge honor, but you must know that everything comes with a price and my price was my peace of mind and almost my life. You heard me, I had given him so much that I was empty and convinced myself that dying would be easier than the pain that he was taking me through.
Loving a narcissist comes with the ability to have some thick skin and if you don’t, you are in for a long ride and neverending pain. Needless to say, my skin was not very thick, but I was not going to give up, I was determined to move heaven and earth to make this man my last and love me the way that I loved him.
Fast forward to eight years later, five breakups, and even a marriage, I still was not able to break the narcissist from being the evil that he had brought into my life. The pain grew more and more unbearable, but I still held out hope that love would conquer all. What I did not understand is that LOVE did in fact conquer all, just not the way that I thought it should have. You see that’s the part that people really don’t understand about the whole love conquering all scenario. Love conquers all the foolishness that you go through, it gives you warning after warning and red flag after red flag, but we as women are so busy looking at the floating hearts, sweet kisses and most times great sex that’s being thrown our way, that we actually miss the hurtful words, slick remarks and cold looks that are given even during the time that you thought he was truly enjoying the love that ya’ll were making.
Waking up one day and having the man I thought would be my forever walk out on our marriage and only giving the excuse of this being all my fault, I thought I would lose my mind and what little happiness I was trying to hold onto. Through the tears, the lonely days and sleepless nights, God showed up and let me know that not only was he not the man that He had sent for me, but I was not alone, and I would indeed be just fine.
I'm not going to sit here and lie and make you think that just because God showed up, all the pain was suddenly taken away, the loneliness was made better and I bounced backed to this perfect life, that would be all lies and garbage. That pain was something serious and there were many days I just did not see my way out, but one thing I was not going to do was begin to doubt God. He never told me that the road was going to be easy but what He did promise in His Word, was that it would be worth it. Coming to that realization, I gave it all to God and began to work on ME. Most days I didn’t even know what that looked like, but I knew it was better than where I was coming from. Surrounding myself with positive people who I knew loved me and wanted the best for me, I began to see what they saw in me. The me that had been beat down and hidden by someone who had their own agenda for my life. Through reading God’s Word, journaling and discovering things that actually made me happy, I was able to regain my peace, and a smile that had been hidden for so long behind a mask from the outside people who would think I had it all together.
It took me about six months to find the woman I once was prior to falling in love with a narcissist, but I would not change anything about the process that God took me through. What I do know is that I finally know what love is and I have taken that love and began to love on ME. Knowing that what God has for me will be for me and nothing or no one will ever take that away from me again, showed me that I truly was Not Built to Break.
If you are a woman that has been beat down by life and feel that you have no way out, just remember if God can do it for me, I know He will do it for you. Trust your process and know that better is on the other side of pain.
