EVERYTHING'S BIGGER IN TEXAS
Written By Austin Che
INT. AUSTIN’S HOUSE – EARLY MORNING
A sleek, modern Dallas home. Marble countertops. Imported bidet. A ridiculous amount of throw pillows. We hear Austin fumbling around offscreen.
AUSTIN CHE (mid-20s, Korean-American, journalism major, sarcastic narrator of his own life) enters the frame wearing a glossy red leather trench coat, house slippers, and holding a black man purse like it's a briefcase filled with federal secrets.
He’s dramatically searching for something.
AUSTIN
Okay, keys, keys... You had one job. And now I’m talking to inanimate objects like this is a Pixar short.
He opens the fridge. Not there. Opens the oven. Not there. Looks under a throw pillow boom, keys.
AUSTIN (CONT'D)
Aha. Why? Because obviously, keys belong in the decorative ecosystem.
He tosses the keys in the air and exits frame. His man purse gets caught on the doorknob. He spins back, untangles it with practiced flair, and struts out.
AUSTIN (V.O.)
They say dress for the job you want. I dress like the job I want has a dragon in it.
MAIN TITLES – “EVERYTHING’S BIGGER IN TEXAS”
CUT TO:
Theme: Upbeat country-funk hybrid. Quick cuts of absurd airport scenes: someone dragging a raccoon on a leash, a screaming baby in a cowboy hat, Austin slow-walking through security in red leather, slow-mo style.
ACT ONE
INT. LONESTAR AIRLINES – CUSTOMER SERVICE DESK – MORNING
Austin’s now at the desk, trench coat swapped for his uniform polo still wearing designer sunglasses indoors. He sips from a stainless steel tumbler.
He’s joined by:
SANDRA (40s, mom energy)
TROY (30s, high-drama, runs the airport’s underground gossip network)
TROY
Why do you look like Blade just got his real estate license?
AUSTIN
Because I have a complicated inner world, Troy.
SANDRA
How are you not broke? Are you running a skincare MLM on the side?
AUSTIN
No comment.
A CUSTOMER approaches. Angry. Naturally.
CUSTOMER
You people charged me for my carry-on!
AUSTIN
Yes sir, the policy is “one emotional breakdown and one personal item per person.” You appear to be carrying both.
INT. AIRPORT BAR – MIDDAY
Austin sits alone at the airport bar again. Sipping a cranberry soda. Behind him, a commotion. WHISPERS and CAMERA FLASHES.
That’s Cher.
BARTENDER (whispers)
AUSTIN
As in the Cher?
BARTENDER
She’s catching a layover on her way to an ayahuasca retreat. Real casual.
CHER walks over to the bar, majestic and unbothered. She orders something off-menu and sits two seats away.
CHER
(cracking a peanut, deadpan)
You dress like a villain in a musical about real estate fraud.
AUSTIN
That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.
CHER
Don't let anyone make you feel small.
AUSTIN
They couldn’t if they tried. Everything’s bigger in Texas.
He raises his cranberry soda in salute. Cher nods. Icon recognizes icon.
INT. BREAK ROOM – LATER
Sandra, Troy, and Austin are eating lunch. Troy’s meal is suspiciously fancy-looking.
SANDRA
Is that lobster mac and cheese from the Delta lounge?
TROY
I have alliances. Don’t worry about it.
AUSTIN
You ever notice we’re the only airline where customers threaten to sue you and invite you to church in the same breath?
TROY
Southern charm with legal action. That's our brand.
SANDRA
One more "emotional support chicken" and I'm quitting.
INT. LOST & FOUND – EVENING
The trio is inspecting an unclaimed duffle bag that is vibrating. Weird music plays from inside.
TROY
If it's a speaker, I’m keeping it. If it's alive, I’m out.
SANDRA (DEAD SERIOUS)
If it's a cursed doll again, I’m calling my cousin in San Antonio. She’s a priest.
ACT TWO
INT. GATE B12 – LATE AFTERNOON
Austin helps a group of elderly synchronized swimmers with their luggage. They’re in matching tracksuits. One gives him her number “for emergencies.”
AUSTIN (V.O.)
You don’t need romance when you’re constantly adopted by Texan grandmas and accidentally blessed by Cher.
INT. CUSTOMER SERVICE DESK – EVENING
SHERIFF RON walks by, holding a jar of pickles and holding court like a county judge.
SHERIFF RON
Austin, why does a guy making 38K a year dress like he owns Dallas?
AUSTIN
Because I don’t measure wealth in dollars. I measure it in mystery and custom tailoring.
SHERIFF RON
Son, I don’t know if you’re a genius or a scam artist.
AUSTIN
That’s journalism school for you.
AIRPORT BAR – NIGHT (BOOKEND)
AUSTIN’s back. The bar’s quieter. Cher is gone. Replaced by a poster: “Cher Sat Here.”
AUSTIN (V.O.)
I came to Texas for a journalism job. Ended up explaining bag fees to oil barons and watching Cher eat bar nuts. Life’s weird. But it pays... just enough.
A small GOAT walks by. Again. No explanation. Austin sighs.
AUSTIN
We really should start charging that goat for a seat.
INT. GATE DESK – LATE AFTERNOON
The gate area is packed. A FLIGHT DELAY has riled up the crowd. Among them: a particularly feisty CUSTOMER TWO (30s, white, hip-hop energy, Bluetooth speaker in hand). A beat drops — literally. Customer Two BLUETOOTH-PAIRS his speaker, and a funky breakdance track blasts into the terminal.
AUSTIN
If I must die, let it be in a blaze of interpretive glory.
Austin slowly steps into the makeshift “floor.” Silence. Then— CUE: A funky beat drops ("Groove Electric" by Generic Royalty-Free Artist).
ROUND 1: CUSTOMER TWO does a confident shoulder-pop and kneeslide combo. The crowd cheers.
ROUND 2:
Austin calmly removes his trench coat like it’s a duel. He does a ridiculous, over-dramatic ballet spin — that somehow ends in a full split (clearly painful).
TROY (GASPING)
He’s down — but spiritually UP.
SANDRA
He’s gonna need an ice pack and a chiropractor.
ROUND 3:
CUSTOMER TWO breakdances in a tight circle. Ends with a onehanded freeze.
Austin? He shuffles over, pulls out a mini fan from his man purse, and performs a fully improvised “Airport Vogue” routine. He mimics dragging luggage, fighting turbulence, and ends with an “overhead bin slam.”
THE CROWD ERUPTS.
Even a TSA agent claps. CUSTOMER TWO bows, laughing.
AUSTIN (winded, dramatic) collapses gently into a wheelie chair.
SANDRA (SOFTLY)
That boy is gonna feel that in three time zones.
TAG SCENE – INT. AUSTIN’S HOME – LATE NIGHT
Austin returns home. He removes the trench coat, revealing... another trench coat underneath. He flips on the TV. The local news is covering “Goat Loose in Terminal B.”
AUSTIN
We made the news again. Pulitzer, here I come.
END OF PILOT