Debate issue 20 by Debate Magazine

debate ISSUE 20 | SEPTEMBER 2014

debate

ISSUE 20 | SEPTEMBER 2014 facebook.com/ausmdebate

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EDITORIAL Hello all, A headline caught my eye last week. It read, ‘Gone Viral: Three Girls Confront Cheater’. To cut the story short, a 20-year-old supermarket worker from Hertfordshire, England was seeing three girls at once on the sly. The cheated trio found out while he was away on a trip, contacted one another and got together, and then confronted him at the airport upon his return. So far, so good, right? He cheated, he lost, and his spurned exes showed they aren’t to be messed about. Good on them, shame on him. It’s The Other Woman, only real life! How tantalising and relevant! Although there is criminally irrelevant journalism printed every day, it still baffles me how a story such as this made it into the news. When you stop and think about it, there is nothing more to it than four nobodies who had a relationship drama. There were no celebrities involved, no royals, no MPs; it was simply four nobodies having a tiff. I’m sorry, but on what planet is this news? How is it any different to reporting the relationship dramas of you or me? How is it different to reporting on the messy breakup your best friend went through in year 12? It isn’t, yet like most trashy stories, it went viral, picked up by media around the world.

I scoured the comment section of the original article and discovered very little sympathy for the cheater. I found the majority of the comments extremely disheartening, but worst of all were those that glorified the young fella’s actions, branding him a hero for his promiscuity. And sadly, another portion of the comments blamed the young women for not picking up on his cheating ways sooner, as if it was their fault for giving him the benefit of the doubt. Initially, I wasn’t at all sympathetic to the fella – he cheated, he lost, fair game. But then I started to think about the ramifications his actions may have on his life, his job, his friends, his town, now he is infamous, with his face spread around the world for ridicule. A private matter was made centre stage in the public sphere, and it never should have been. I’m in no way condoning what he did, but I will not condone the media’s assistance in publically humiliating him either. Yes, the lad did a stupid thing, but haven’t we all? He deserved to be confronted, and he was, but I feel like international naming and shaming is a punishment that far surpasses the crime, and furthermore, I feel journalists should not have been privy to spreading the gossip. Can you even imagine the level of humiliation that would accompany seeing your mistakes reported around the globe? Seeing your face on newspapers, websites and shared around on social media? It’s an outrageous reaction to a 20-year-old who tried and failed to play the field. I only hope the humiliation doesn’t make him feel like he has no way out. It just seems unfair to see this young guy’s face beamed around the world, while those guilty of far seedier (and actual) crimes are granted name suppression.

Similar stories have made the rounds over the last few years. Young girls who have abused their social media privileges, forced to hold up a confession while their mothers snap a photo to spread around the net. Kids who have stolen, forced to do the same. Some call it justice, others label it character building. To me though, it’s vindictive. It’s turning a private matter into a freefor-all shame fest which doesn’t stop at social media because morally defunct journalists want to increase clicks. It’s a witch hunt, an open invite for cyber bullies to name call, for regular Joes and Jills to add their two cents into what should be a private confrontation or discipline. As a society, we preach the perils of cyber bullying, but I can’t help but feel journalists play a part in painting targets on heads. It’s disgraceful to see the world’s trained journalists reporting what is essentially small-town relationship gossip. I mean, it’s bad enough that they report on the goings-on of celebrities, but when they stoop even lower than that to bring us the personal dramas of randoms, well that’s just bullshit, in my amateur opinion. It’s even more disheartening when you consider the true journalists of the world who put their lives on the line to report the truth, facing imprisonment, warzones, and the threat of beheading. Get it together journalists! Quit stealing leaves from the tabloids and start reporting what matters. Yours disgruntledly, Matthew 5

A SOYFUL LIFE. By Laurien Barks I definitely wouldn’t classify myself a ‘dairy hater.’ Ice cream makes up about 70 per cent of my diet (100 if I’m sad), I’ve never been known to pass up a yoghurt, and I’ll happily accept cheese in all its blocked, creamed, or cottagey forms. But when it comes to milk, whether it be standard, trim, or laced in strawberry syrup, I’ve never been a huge fan. Even when I was a wee girl, I refused to drink my glass of milk at the beginning of every day. The smell, the texture, and the taste worked against me, and I wasn’t able to deal with the cow juice unless it was baked into a cake or pudding. To this day, I never put more than a splash in my cereal -just enough to dampen it, but not enough to taste. Because of this picky behaviour, my mother was sent into a spiral of calcium alternatives. I was fed rice milk, almond milk, calcium pills, extra yoghurt, etc. in a desperate attempt to keep my bones from failing me later on in life. Turns out the magic substance to end my mother’s woes took the form of a soybean. Soaked, mushed, and blended with water, what a tantalizing treat for my milk-rejecting taste buds. Like dairy milk, soy milk has its pros and cons. Calcium wise, dairy milk has the upper hand, but when it comes to saturated fat and sugar, soy has your back. To be honest, as far as pie charts and statistics go, the two are pretty much equal in terms of benefits. Neither trumps the other when it comes to overall nutrition. Though recently, my ear has caught wind of more and more people wanting to make the switch for a variety of reasons ranging from weight loss to lower cholesterol to prostate protection (that’s right boys, cancer is far less of a threat to your buddy if you’ve got soy on your side). Unfortunately, with every ‘I switched to soy’ declaration, I hear about five ‘this is gross’ complaints. In my opinion, these complaints aren’t about hating the beloved bean, they aren’t about acquired taste or being creatures of dairy habit. No. They’re about people not knowing what they’re doing when it comes to soy milk. You

can’t be willy nilly like you could with cow milk, especially not in the early stages. It takes a bit more commitment, a bit more care and planning to get what you need out of soy. It doesn’t put out like dairy does. You have to work for it. But I promise, this only makes the success and satisfaction all the sweeter. So I’m here to help you make the transition. To give you all the tricks and tips to get the best out of nature’s soy bean. Once you’ve mastered these and acquired a new love for the milky goodness, feel free to branch out and experiment. This list is only the beginning of your long and soyful life together.

SOY COFFEE/HOT CHOCOLATE I’m the kind of person who thinks soy tastes good in any kind of hot drink, but I’m well aware that the majority of the population doesn’t share this opinion. So for the sceptics out there, try a shot of hazelnut or almond in your regular coffee/ hot chocolate order. Because soy is full of nutty undertones, the little blast of syrup will give the milk the pick-me-up it needs, resulting in a rich, luxurious beverage for your taste buds. The fact that you sound like a pretentious douche when you’re ordering is worth it... Trust me. Highly recommended: Soy mocha with an almond shot (Use barista soy milk if you’re making it yourself).

SOY AND CEREAL If you’re a Cocopops or Milo cereal kind of person, you’re probably going to want to change that before you make the soy switch. Sugary cereal and soy just isn’t a pleasant combination, even for veteran soydiers like myself. Similar to the coffee tactics, to get the best out of your soy and cereal, you’re going to want to hone in on the nuts and grains. Brans, corns, mueslis,

coconuts, cashews, almonds, and clusters of oats (or whatever else they cluster these days) are your go-tos. The soy milk enhances and gives body to these kinds of ingredients, making your breakfast hearty and satisfying. Highly recommended: Be Natural’s ‘3 Nuts and Coconut’ cereal with standard soy milk. SOY PANCAKES Grab the fluffiest pancake recipe you can find, fire up your griddle and prepare yourself. Soy pancakes are my favourite! Replace the quantity of milk that the recipe calls for with an equal quantity of vanilla flavoured soy milk. Do not add any of the sugar that the recipe suggests as the vanilla soy is already sweet. Instead, replace the sugar with ground, toasted almonds. Hopefully you’re beginning to spot a trend with the whole soy + nuts thing. There’s a reason the trend exists, and that reason is to bring happiness to the world through some damn fine pancakes. Highly recommended: Chuck a bunch of cinnamon into the pancake batter. It doesn’t matter how much. You can never have too much. SOY ICE CREAM You’re going to want to go with the So Good brand of soy ice cream with this one, because when it comes to the dessert of angels, you don’t want some amateur handling the churning process. I recommend either going with the chocolate and adding toasted coconut to it (#bountybar), or getting the vanilla, and adding a toasted oaty muesli on top then drizzling some caramel/ butterscotch syrup on it. Highly recommended: Two oatmeal cookies, vanilla soy ice cream in the middle, wrap them up, put them in the freezer, and serve ice cream sandwiches at your next dinner party.

Hanging Loose. by Matthew cattin

It was one of those spring mornings that blindsides you with its brilliance. After days and nights of raincloud suffocation, it was the earth’s first breath upon surfacing from the storm. Like early morning worms, residents of the seaside suburb emerged from their burrows and ventured out into the unravelling sunshine, nothing in mind but the fulfilment of a stunning lazy Sunday. I stood on the beach, convincingly camouflaged with the white sands but for my head hair, love rug and glorious pubes. Sheltered from prying eyes by the rock groyne, I was comfortably exhilarated in my nudity. I felt daring, emancipated, and a little bit mischievous, yet in the same moment vindicated in my boldness. A lone fisherman stood waist deep in water, nought but a speck in the distance as he tested his luck further down the bay. Being quite unaccustomed to being nude in broad daylight, I instinctually tried to make out his features, analysing his prospects of making out mine. Despite my formidable nature, I decided it was a long shot. Besides, would he raise an eyebrow? I doubt it. I jogged down to the water’s edge, chilled and energized by the cool spring air. Freezing waves washed past my knees and I gasped as my – at this point – tiny manhood was doused in cold death. I dived masochistically, submerging myself completely in the clenching cold. Even in the somewhat unenjoyable temperatures, I marvelled at how wonderful it felt to have nothing between my skin and the ocean. This naturism business is definitely something I can see myself getting into in a big way.

“For some people, taking off their clothes is almost symbolic like shedding the stresses of daily life or the outside world and they fInd a comfort or therapy in doing so,” My relationship with nakedness is still in its baby-steps. An enthusiastic advocate for skinny dipping, I’m all for a giggly sprint in to the tide, so long as it’s night time and I’ve had a drink or two to spur me on. I’m past the stage of considering being down-trailed to be a fate worse than death, but not quite in the same league as the mature, grey backs who flop around carelessly in changing rooms. I’m not crippled with self-consciousness, but it undoubtedly affects my choice in swimming attire, for the most part. Naturists, however, are a whole different kettle of fish. Completely at home without their cotton skins, they live for the feeling of sun on their bodies and the freedom of letting it all hang loose, unrestricted by trousers, bras, t-shirts and underwear. I asked Donna Miller, Communications Officer for the New Zealand Naturist Federation, whether there was a gradual shift between self-conscious anxiety and feeling comfortable in the nude. “I haven’t always been comfortable,” she says. “But I have always been fascinated and recognised the pure sense of freedom associated with skinny dipping or playing volleyball naked on the beach.” Having discovered the joys of skinny dipping myself, I can vouch for the “pure sense of freedom” Donna describes. Alas, in my experience, I have never been able to completely shed my inhibitions – perhaps because of my self-perceptions. From what Donna tells me, however, it seems body image issues are shed with the clothing.

“Mostly it’s changed my perception of my own body. I have changed from noticing every little bump and extra kilo to not caring about a thing,” she says. “The biggest benefit is how I feel about me - how I accept me in a way I don’t think I ever could without being a naturist. But there have been physical and mental benefits too such as skin conditions clearing up and a peace and contentedness that came as a result.” As beneficial as naturism can be for its devotees however, the alternative lifestyle choice is often misunderstood, and wherever there is ignorance, hostility can grow. Donna says the main two misconceptions people have about naturism is that they all engage in orgies or are swingers, and even more ridiculous, that they are paedophiles. “Neither could be further from the truth,” she says. “To a naturist, doing normal daily things without clothes feels free, feels wonderful, but it isn’t a sexual feeling. The feeling of doing those normal daily things - mowing your lawns, pulling weeds, having a cuppa with your neighbour - in a setting with people who are like you feels even more freeing and wonderful.” “For some people, taking off their clothes is almost symbolic - like shedding the stresses of daily life or the outside world - and they find a comfort or therapy in doing so,” she adds. “A totally naked body is less sexual than a person wearing a skimpy bikini or G-string and people will always find others attractive, whether they are dressed or not.” While some naturists have received heckles, threats, and prosecution before in New Zealand, Donna says she has never been confronted with aggression. “Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I don’t enter into calling those people names - I accept they haven’t had the same experience as me so how can they understand naturism,” she says. “I can understand that their judgements are based on their not having experienced the freedoms and benefits - I possibly would once have been just like them.” Even some of Donna’s friends find it hard to understand, but it doesn’t faze her in the slightest. “Some friends have not had a problem at all and have joined us for an afternoon or a day; some are quite happy as long as we don’t do it around them; a couple totally cannot get their head around it - but that’s okay too,” she says. At the end of the day, as with anything, all it comes down to is being respectful. “If I was going naked at a clothes-free beach I would remove myself to a more private part of the beach out of respect. Naturism is about respecting others as well as yourself so I wouldn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable just because it was my right,” she says. Naturism clubs exist around New Zealand (and the world) to provide like-minded enthusiasts with safe and enjoyable social environments to enjoy in the nude. With activities such as miniten (a smaller version of tennis), petanque, volleyball, tenniquoits, and bowls to enjoy, the appeal for Donna is the social aspect - being able to enjoy fun activities with good people of the same mind-set. “Sometimes we have high tea on the lawn or the musicians have jam sessions,” she says. “Then there are other things like clearing the bush of noxious weeds and restoring it to native plantings.” According to Donna, naturism is sadly not a growing hobby in New Zealand. “There are so many things competing for our time and attention. But we are working hard to make it a growing lifestyle choice,” she says. And apart from the extra caution required when enjoying the sunshine, it seems the hobby only has one real downside; Donna tells me “it can be a real challenge or a chore to put your clothes back on again and face the world.” And who can argue with a testimony like that? “Don’t delay; don’t over-think it; just do it; you will never regret it,” she says. It’s still baby-steps for me right now, but one of these days, I may just take her up on that.

Classic Albums Everybody Should Own by Matthew Cattin

The Beatles - Abbey Road (1969) The last album recorded by the Fab Four (although not the last released), Abbey Road sounds pretty bloody good for a band on the verge of breaking up. The recording sessions were tumultuous, particularly between Lennon and McCartney who at times flat out refused to work together. George Harrison, funnily enough, pulls through with my favourite songs on the album, Something and Here Comes the Sun, proving once again his song writing chops. It’s difficult to choose just one Beatles album for the list as they never produced anything close to a dud, but sometimes the end of all things is a very good place to start indeed. Key Tracks: Come Together, Oh! Darling, Something

The Clash - London Calling (1979) I discovered and fell in love with London Calling in year 10, proof of its timeless groove and quality. The fact I still love it, whereas many other year 10 albums have fallen by the wayside, serves to emphasise that point. With 19 songs, it’s a solid album, by old standards and new, however it never feels bloated or excessive. There are so many different styles and sounds running through the album’s many stories and characters that it sounds more like a retrospective greatest hits than a standalone album. You’ve got your punk sound (for which the Clash were somewhat pioneers), reggae, ska and rock and roll to name a few, all pulled together with finesse, varied instrumentation and interesting lyrics and delivery. Key Tracks: Jimmy Jazz, Death or Glory, Train in Vain

David Bowie – The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars (1971) Trying to decide which Bowie album to include was quite a task, let me assure you… The man is a chameleon, the king of reinvention, and many of his albums hold a special and unique place in my record collection. Ziggy Stardust, however, is the first to spring to mind. A concept album about a bisexual alien rock star, it doesn’t sound like the best idea on paper, but in its execution, it’s flawless. Featuring some of Bowie’s best loved tunes, such as the title track Ziggy Stardust, the ‘highly-likely-to-get-stuck-in-your-head’ Starman and the made-famous-by-Guardians of the Galaxy Moonage Daydream, this is quintessential listening for any classic rock fan, and a great starting point for anybody interested in investing in the ever-intriguing world of Bowie. Key Tracks: Five Years, Soul Love, Starman

Bruce Springsteen – Born in the USA (1984) An album that plays through like a greatest hits, Bruce’s 80s masterpiece was his most accessible record to date, spawning seven top 10 singles and 30 million record sales. Far more upbeat than his previous releases, it’s a musically hopeful album, yet the lyrics often provide a different story. The title track, when listened to casually, seems to reek of patriotism. Closer listening, however, shows Springsteen’s lyrical magic – Born in the USA was in fact written about the struggles Vietnamese USA citizens faced living in America post war. I often put the record on and dance my way through it – a little embarrassing I know… But don’t you dare knock it until you try it. Key tracks: I’m On Fire, Dancing in the Dark, No Surrender

Pink Floyd - Dark Side of the Moon (1973) When Pink Floyd dropped Dark Side, it was quite unlike anything before it, a completely fresh sound that captured the imagination of millions. Ambitious and ahead of the times recording techniques were pioneered in its production, allowing Pink Floyd to really stretch the boundaries of what could be achieved in the studio. Because of its fluid, cohesive nature, it is an album best enjoyed as a whole, rather than as individual tracks, and if you’ve never had the pleasure of listening, I would recommend you do so immediately – drop whatever it is you are doing, and do it. Key Tracks: The Great Gig in the Sky, Time, Us and Them

Paul Simon - Graceland (1986). In a nutshell; white boy Paul Simon (the better half of Simon and Garfunkel) heads to South Africa, records music with local musicians, and brings back an album so cool, you’d be a damn fool not to own it. With guitar riffs that hop like gazelles, bass that bops like skipping children, and sweet, sweet African harmonies that fill your heart with happiness, this one of a kind album is the perfect accompaniment to a bright morning drive. Although met with controversy on its initial release (due to the unease felt at Paul Simon’s collaboration with apartheid South Africa), Graceland has aged well and the bitterness is largely forgotten. Key tracks: Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes, Homeless, Under African Skies.

Bruce Springsteen - Born to Run (1975). Opening track Thunder Road kicks into life in its opening bars like a ’69 chevy, warm and well-worn. As the sparse piano/harmonica intro explode into a full band sound, the chevy leaves the town boundaries, and takes you on a journey with no destination, a hope-fuelled venture into a future unknown. It’s brave, urgent and full of nostalgia for a time I never lived. Springsteen’s third album, Born to Run was his first real taste of success, flinging him headfirst into the pages of rock and roll history. Although it’s just shy of 40 years old, it still instils a sense of nostalgia and excitement, it still sounds fresh, and it’s still my go to album when I’m feeling down on my luck and with itchy feet only the open roads can cure. Key tracks: Thunder Road, Born to Run, Jungleland

Pixies – Surfer Rosa (1988) The album that inspired Kurt Cobain’s quiet loud style in Nevermind, The Pixies debut album Surfer Rosa is a messed up masterpiece. With lyrics that touch on mutilation, incest and sizable black penis, it’s no joyride, but if you’re in the mood for crazy, look no further. Immortalised by Fight Club in 1999, Where is My Mind is by far the most well-known track from the record, but don’t expect any other tune to sound like it. It’s gritty, angry, and for me it was a bit of an acquired taste, but it’s definitely worth a go – there is nothing quite like Kim Deal’s bass lines, Joey Santiago’s erratic guitar squeals and Black Francis’ straight-from-hell vocals. Key Tracks: Where is My Mind, Bone Machine, River Euphrates

Fleetwood Mac – Rumours (1977) Recorded in the midst of relationship turmoil, affairs and heartbreak, Rumours is - in its own way – the greatest breakup album of all. With its venomous optimism of Go Your Own Way and the realities of being replaced touched on in Second Hand News, much of the album feels like a toothy smile through bitter tears. With no filler tracks, I sometimes find myself skipping the well-known singles to listen to the album’s true gems. With the vocal duties shared pretty evenly between Lindsey Buckingham, Stevie Nicks and Christine McVie, each track has its own vibe and sound, not to mention the band’s fantastic harmonies across the board. Key Tracks: Second Hand News, Never Going Back Again, Go Your Own Way

Radiohead – Kid A (2000) The Beatles of our generation, Radiohead is – in my mind – the best band of the last two decades. Two huge statements I know, but a lot of critics would back me one hundred per cent, so don’t argue – just don’t. Coming off of their critical and commercial success OK Computer, Radiohead decided to flip the bird at everything they had ever released, hit the studios and start afresh. The band turned its back on the guitar rock that made Radiohead a household name and reinvented itself as a completely new animal. They emerged with Kid A, a challenging and brave work of art. Fans and critics were initially quite divided, but Kid A has since become regarded by many music magazines as the best album of the 2000’s – and rightly so. Key Tracks: Everything in its Right Place, How to Disappear Completely, Idioteque

Destiny’s Child by Laurien Barks

Each and every one of us is striving for destiny. Striving to become who we were destined to be. Striving to do what we were destined to do. Striving to find who we were destined to be with. But, when you think about it, what does that really mean? Is it even possible to seize such a thing? How do you capture something that’s impossible to reach? It’s like that old saying: ‘tomorrow never comes.’ Well, neither does destiny. It’s a word that refers to the forthcoming; “the events that will necessarily happen to a particular person or thing in the future.” Which means we’ll never attain it because we’re constantly living it. You with me? It’s not the simplest thought to comprehend, and I guess in its purest form, it’s one of those ‘live in the moment,’ #yolo type of things - but with a little more to reflect on than the run-of-the-mill motto. I think, for me, what it all comes down to is the fact that the word ‘destiny’ has been glorified to unreachable heights. It’s become this magical target, this promise of happiness, with half of its appeal lying in its alluded inaccessibility. The reassurance that something better is on the way, that if we just hold out and keep working toward our goal, we’ll find our destiny and everything will feel right. An optimist’s enabler, if you will. And that’s not to say I don’t find value in optimism. I think it’s one of the greatest things a person can have. Deep down in my heart of hearts, I’m a gosh darn ray of sunshine who doesn’t know the meaning of reality. I daydream like a child, where nothing can touch me, no one can hurt me, and my dreams are down a straight, unobstructed pathway. My destiny is just sitting there waiting for me to fulfil it. It’s waiting for me to take the steps necessary to claim it as mine. Though, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve spent less and less time in this dreamy, untouchable state, and contrary to what inspirational videos and motivational posters will tell me, I don’t think that’s a negative thing. I wouldn’t say that reality has forced me to throw away the rose coloured glasses. What it’s done is forced me to wear them over my eyes instead of my heart. I don’t know if it’s experiences or gradual maturation or a little bit of both, but I’ve learned that I lead a more satisfying life when I can see the positivity that’s in front of me. The positivity that exists. There is so much more contentment when an optimistic heart is the result of happiness, as opposed to the driving force to finding it. And that’s not to say that dreaming big isn’t healthy, that’s not to say huge goals and expectations and hopes aren’t something you should hold on to; because they are.

They fuel passion and shape our individuality and keep us motivated to better ourselves. But I think the danger of discontentment lies in our inability to break free from our romanticised ideals, and see the beauty of what’s real. There’s such an overwhelming sense of dissatisfaction when we feel as though we’re not reaching the heights we were destined to conquer. An emptiness that has the ability to take over any aspect of our life whether it be work, family, love or passions. The incredible power that the askew interpretation of the word ‘destiny’ (or its disguises; ‘fate,’ ‘what is written,’ and ‘meant to be’) can have over our happiness is scary. It’s one of the most severe forms of blindness one can fall victim to. It can set us off on one of the longest, most unfulfilling pursuits of happiness, because so often the reality of what we’re striving to find is outshone by the promise of an idealistic destiny. For me it was a career path. One that could enable me to change lives and have a real impact on the world. If only I’d realized sooner that the largest impact can come from the smallest heroics. I sacrificed the time I had for others in order to try and clamber my way up to a position in which my voice would be loudest and, consequently, most influential. Turns out the time I was sacrificing was the biggest tool I could have used. I had the most cliché idea of destiny that a person can think of. I was going to make a difference in the world. I didn’t fulfil my destiny until I realized that I was already living it. It wasn’t something for me to chase, but rather accept and mould and choose to love. Instead of an optimistic heart throwing me into daydreams of greatness, fame, and influence, my optimistic eyes forced me to see the opportunities in front of me. A quieter empathetic voice in one ear is more effective than a louder generic voice in many. That’s not to say I couldn’t have achieved my original goals. I’m not here to say, ‘Dreaming big and high expectations aren’t realistic, so just settle with what’s attainable.’ I’m here to say, don’t let what you want blind you from what you have. Don’t let your thrillingly consistent image of perfection blind you from the excitingly beautiful image of imperfection. Don’t let your desire to reach out to many blind you from a single outstretched hand. Destiny comes disguised as present reality. So don’t let it spoil by waiting for a futuristic dream. Live it. Breathe it. Have hopes and aspirations, but embrace what’s in front of you. Don’t waste time waiting for the chance to reach this place called destiny. You’re already there.

UPDATES AuSM Special General Meeting (Yes! Free Lunch provided this Tuesday!) The AuSM Special General Meeting will be held on Tuesday 23th October from 12pm – 1pm at WC202, AuSM Student Lounge. Agenda Items include constitutional changes and more. All AUT students are welcome. Please bring your student ID. Pizza and refreshments will be provided. Join us and you may be the lucky ones to win some prizes! For more information, please visit www.ausm. org.nz Diversity Week 2014 AUT & AuSM Diversity Week 2014 starts on Monday 22nd September and goes through to Friday 26th September! Check out the listing of events happening on all three campuses during the week at http://bit.ly/DWeek2014

AuSM Pool Competition It’s back! Register now for the AuSM Pool competition. It is kicking off on October 1st at Vesbar. There will be weekly heats every Wednesday from 12-1pm and finals on 15th October with prizes up for grabs! Register your interest with kyle.richmond@aut.ac.nz now! We are here to help Our AuSM Advocacy team are available to help all AUT students with questions or problems you may have while studying. Please email advocacy@aut.ac.nz for appointments. It’s FREE and CONFIDENTIAL.

VICE PREZ SEZ Kia ora Guys and welcome back! I hope you all had an amazing break and found the time to vote in the elections as your voice is important. I didn't get to have a holiday unfortunately, I was entrusted to stay at uni to man the fort for us all. You’re welcome. Big ups to the students I did see around campus studying over the break - good on you! AUT & AuSM Diversity Week 2014 starts on Monday 22nd September and goes through to Friday 26th September! Check out the listing of events happening on all three campuses during the week on our AuSM website. Try and get involved and enjoy the week.

So if you haven’t seen it yet, I am running a competition every week on Facebook! It's very easy this week – all you have to do is send me a photo of your study buddy (as we all have and need one when times get hard). They are that person who keeps you going when you want to throw that towel in. So send us a photo of your study bestie and you’ll be in to win! Last week’s winner sent in a great photo of them on their break so send your photos in and it could be you! Have a great week! Urshula

Wholeheartedly Moving To Canada

Banana Cream Pie by Ben Teh Moving to another country to pursue a career in writing might seem a bit extreme, or perhaps like a dream come true. But what if I were to tell you that I have no source of income at the moment, barely know anyone in the city that I am in, and still am plagued with the possibilities of procrastination that I thought I could run away from? Then it could be the stuff of nightmares instead. My name is Benjamin Teh (did my surname just autocorrect to ‘the’?) and I am currently residing in Vancouver, Canada for a twelve month working holiday. While most of the other young travellers are planning epic road trips through the countryside, or are intent on visiting as many ski fields as possible; I have found a sensible room for rent, spend most of my days applying for jobs that seem fairly career-focused, and lock myself away in my room to tap on my keyboard so I can conjure up screenplays. I grew up in Singapore, and moved to Auckland in my late teens, and Vancouver feels like a weird combination of the two. Also, VanCity feels way more multi-cultural than Auckland does, even with the recent boom of international students that make a walk through Auckland City feel like a trek through Chinatown. I’m stuck in a fifteen-hour time difference, but Vancouver feels more like home right now than I could have ever expected. Particularly because on my first morning here I had a panic attack that had me considering actually getting back on the first plane back to New Zealand. I have had some success in writing, acting and directing for the stage and screen. Not enough to brag that I earned a living off being creative, but not so little that I would deny the fact. I have written a couple of plays that brought people laughter, I have directed screen projects that have been seen by people around the world, I have travelled New Zealand and acted for audiences young and old. Now I’m setting my sights higher. I basically figured that I wasn’t getting any younger, and it was time for me to chase my dreams. There’s a decent-sized chance that I won’t come close to achieving them at all. But I’m not here for that side of the coin, I’m here for the possibility of achieving my dreams, and I figure that even if I fail horribly – life can only go back to normal. And it’s not like that’s such a bad thing. Except that I desperately don’t want ‘normal’ ever again. I only have one year to chase this wholeheartedly. That’s not long at all. How quickly did yesterday slip through your fingers? Last week? Month? Year? Suddenly you’re older. Whether you want to be or not. I see the different possible routes my life could take from here, and I figure I’d rather chase my dreams with intention and fail mightily, than live stable and safe and one day find myself older than my ancestors with little to show for it. Because living stable and safe, would be far too ‘normal’ for one such as this. I spent the last few years, broadening my mental horizons with selfimprovement books, leadership seminars and even motivational audio books. Now I’m broadening my physical horizons by taking the plunge, and making ridiculously intense commitments that will take insane moments of courage to achieve. It’s definitely not for everyone, but that in itself saddens me. I think it should be for everyone. If you have a dream you want to chase, then I suggest you chase it whole-heartedly. Now, while you still can. Because if not now, when? Postscript - Benjamin would like to thank his family, friends, and inspirations. He would also like to make a special shout out to Laurien Barks for inviting him to write this article, and to Mayen Mehta for being his travel companion.

What you will need: • •

• • •

125 g butter 3/4 cup sugar • 2 eggs 1 cup mashed bananas and 1 sliced banana 1 teaspoon Edmonds baking soda 2 tablespoons hot milk and 1 cup of cold milk

•

2 cups Edmonds plain baking flour • 1 teaspoon Edmonds baking powder • 1 packet of ready-mix banana pudding • 250ml heavy cream • ½ cup icing sugar • 1 teaspoon vanilla essence • 4-5 crushed malt biscuits

Method 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13.

Pre-make the banana pudding and chill in fridge. Preheat oven to 180°C and grease/line two round 20cm cake tins. Cream butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Add eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition. Add mashed banana and mix thoroughly. Stir soda into hot milk and add to creamed mixture. Sift flour and baking powder together and stir into mixture. Bake for 25 minutes until cake springs back when lightly touched. Leave in tin for 10 minutes before turning out onto a cooling rack. When cold, spread the set banana pudding on the top of one cake and place second layer on top. Layer freshly sliced banana pieces on top and pipe on the remaining banana pudding in dollops on top of the cake leaving space for the cream. Whip the cream, icing sugar and vanilla together until it forms stiff peaks. Then pipe on in remaining space on top of cake. Crush malt biscuits and sprinkle over the top of the cake. Enjoy!

Facebook: @MissCharlotteCake Twitter: @Misscharcake Instagram: @Misscharlottecake

VIBRANT.

I TURNED TWENTY ONE… WHAT HAPPENED NEXT WILL ASTOUND YOU.

By Urooza Sarma For the first time in 21 years, I feel like I can answer the typical birthday question of ‘how does it feel to be ___’ with something other than ‘nothing has changed’ or ‘Omgsh, I’m so old, I still feel like I’m 13’ or ‘yeah, but I’ve always been a 60-year-old on the inside’. Whilst my realizations were quite unlike an apple falling on Newton’s head, or set to a sunset background, they’re an assimilation of things that have always been, only set under a new filter. 1. Apologize profusely to your body following your 21st birthday, and reward it with lots of aspirin and water. 2. Acceptance paves the pathway for changes in ideas, thoughts, and beliefs. 3. There’s something special about the word special. So make people feel special, and appreciate those who make you feel special. 4. A cheeseburger and salad do not form a balanced diet. 5. Smile at strangers. They’re less likely to think you’re going to mug them if you do. 6. Don’t let the anticipation of rejection or failure prevent you from making experiences. 7. Things do always work out. 8. Whilst good things come to those who wait, better things come to those who go out there and try to get them. So build your life, don’t just accept one. 9. ‘Existential crises’ are the new black. 10. Trial and error is the only way to figure out what works for you. Some people may just find it earlier than you do, but it doesn’t mean you won’t find yours. 11. The best hair days will always happen on the days you won’t see anyone. 12. Take a couple of minutes every day to focus on breathing... Followed by a moment of appreciation for the 37.2 trillion cells in your body looking out just for you. 13. Opportunities and success look a whole lot like hard work. 14. Time will pass regardless, so spend it doing what you think is right in the moment. 15. You are just as much of a part of other people’s life canvases as they are of yours. So provide some leeway and give them the benefit of the doubt, because god knows, you wish they’d do that for you. 16. Gratitude goes a long way in putting smiles on dials. 17. Appreciate the people who surround you. Especially those who can watch you eat an entire pizza by yourself, and still find it endearing. 18. Life isn’t a checklist. The best things in life may still be unwritten. 19. Saying “hi my name is ____, what’s yours,” usually just ends in the person telling you their name. 20. If you love someone, don’t ask them who they are voting for this election. 21. Just do what you want, and there’ll be no regrets. Just a whole load of experiences that help you figure yourself out. So to answer the question, how does it feel to be 21? It’s been a lot like changing the brightness settings on a photo, providing a shift in perspective that gives daily ramblings of my mind a new level of insight. And all it really took was a whole lot of cake.

The way I see it, life is one crazy mess of events that are, for the most part, completely out of our control. Which kind of sucks. We can plan our days down to the minute, but that doesn’t mean our schedule will actually go as planned. No one is certain they will be alive in a couple minutes. I might not even be here to finish this article, which is extremely scary to think about. My best friend recently passed away and it changed my life in ways I would have never expected. For example, I used to hate writing. The thought of doing any piece in school was enough to make me feel like I ate some bad sushi. Yet, here I am typing away on my keyboard, and smiling while doing so. The passing of my friend made me realize that I wasn’t happy with my life. I wasn’t happy with my boyfriend at the time, or my family environment. I wasn’t happy with the fact that I was losing passion for my horseback riding and I completely forgot how much I used to love to run. I was becoming dull. Dull. What an ugly, sour, repulsive, plain way to live. I would have never thought I would use such a grotesque word to describe my life. I was unhappy before the event in April took place, so on the sixth of that month I became very suicidal. That will never happen to me again because it scared me. I want to tell everyone I meet how much it terrified me. How I got swallowed into the black hole of depression and hardly made it out alive. Literally. I want to protect everyone I possibly can from that dark place because once you get that depressed; the darkness will show no mercy. Not only do I want people to be aware of how fragile life is, how quickly it can be taken from us, I want to show others how vibrant it can be. Vibrant. That’s a word with some spunk, some grit, and some moxie. Vibrant is a word that has a sassy walk, red pumps and a leather jacket. Or maybe vibrant wears a brightly coloured summer dress, running around barefoot with messy hair. Either way, vibrant is living. Truly living in a way that even a magic eraser couldn’t wipe the smile off of your face. That’s the way I live now. I smile when I fail because it means I have learned something new. I smile when I’m stressed because I am still here to feel that emotion. I giggle when I’m angry because it doesn’t take me long to realize how silly I am for getting so worked up over something that’s (typically) out of my control. We should all learn to smile more, to live lightly, to live vibrantly. Life is too short to be anything but happy. A widely accepted quote that is greatly undervalued. Life is short. Life is way too short to be anything but happy because if you randomly died in the next second, nothing else but your happiness would matter. No amount of money or valuables can change when it’s our time to go. We don’t decided how much longer we can hear our loved ones laugher or when our own giggles will fade away but we are all in complete control of how often those frequencies are heard. This outlook is not an easy thing to achieve. Failing an exam or course, losing your favourite shirt, stabbing your eye with your mascara wand, or burning your toast is enough to ruin anyone’s day. However, we must all remember that none of those things truly matter. What matters are good friends, supportive family and expensive frozen yogurt. Trying to control every situation will make you crazy, so stop living that way and just accept who you are. We all suck at a lot of things, nothing can change that. You might as well learn to value your strengths more than you obsess over your weaknesses. What I am trying to say is learn to love the erraticism of this crazy adventure called life, and work on your attitude toward the events that it throws at us.

Much Love, Megan

DESIGN US A BURGER AND BE IN TO WIN! Running short of art supplies? Design us a customised burger, and you could nab yourself a $100 Gordon Harris voucher! Be creative as you like! Make a burger creature, animal, PokĂŠmon, whatever! The page is your oyster. Put your entries in the red debate stands, bring them in to the AuSM office, or alternatively, send us a digital copy! Email rrai@aut.ac.nz. Good luck! And may the best burger win!

Name:

Email:

GREEK MYTHOLOGY WORDFIND

Aphrodite Athena Athens Charon Daedalus

Name:

Hephaestus Hercules Hera Hydra Medusa

Mightyheroes Minotaur Narcissus Poseidon Polyphemus

Stymphalianbirds Swords Typhon Zeus Zeushassexwitheverything

Email:

Circle all the words in the Wordfind, tear this page out & pop it into the box on the side of the red debate stands, and you could win this motherflippinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; sweet prize:

A 10$ gift voucher to be redeemed at any of these uni cafes:

And two free cheeseburger vouchers for Burger King [222 Queen Street]

GET AMONGST!

MOVIE QUOTES CROSSWORD! made with love by Kieran Bennett

ACROSS 3: “Message for Mongo!” 7: “Excuse me, I think the word you’re looking for is Space Ranger” 8: “No Mr Bond I expect you to die!” 9: “I think you better leave before you go and lose your temper” 11: “You can’t handle the truth” 14: “Don’t cross the streams” 16: “If you’re from Africa why are you white?” 17: “Acidic blood…It’s got a great defence mechanism, you don’t dare kill it”

DOWN 1: “We’re on a mission from god” 2: “The ring has awoken; it’s heard its masters call” 4: “I love the smell of napalm in the morning” 5: “Rosebud” 6: “I am your father” 9: “Life is like a box of chocolates” 10: “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker” 12: “Remember who you are” 13: “Don’t call me Shirley” 15: “You’re gonna need a bigger boat”

SPOT THE 10 DIFFERENCES 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 19

The Ten People You Meet at House Parties By Matthew Cattin The Green Team. Usually in groups of three or four, green teams discreetly up and leave the vicinity, head for the nearest shrubbery, and light up a spliff to share. So practiced are they in the art of sneaking, you barely ever notice their absence from the party; they’re there, talking to you one minute, gone the next, vanished in a puff of smoke. Usually, they’re back in fifteen, their clothes smelling strongly of weed and their eyes bloodshot and glazed. If they get lost on the way home, however, or collapse in the bushes in a pile of giggles, it might take them a few hours – and you best have food waiting for them upon their return. They gon be huuuungry. Quote: “Got any sausages, bro? I’m starved.” The Miserable Drunk. While the majority of the party-goers get their alcohol buzz on, start to relax and enjoy themselves, there is always one who, after just one drink, starts to bawl about their relationship problems. In an instant, a support group will surround the poor sod, lending smothering hugs and advice; “just forget about him!” The well-intentioned free drinks, however, will only add fuel to the fire, and after two or three, the drama-drunk will be loose as a goose, sobbing uncontrollably, and trying to drunk call an unlucky ex. Fortunately, this hysterical behaviour will be short-lived. After a few hours of being a right, royal pain in the arse, they will wear themselves out with their own tragic emotions, and ask to be driven home to sleep in the comforts of their own bed. Quote: “I’m s-s-sorry… I just… I’m so… I’m so d-d-drunkkk… I’m sorry… Just leave me, I’m fine.” The Sober Saint. Every party needs a sober minority to keep the peace, drive drunks home and roll a tragic few into the recovery position. But there are those who will go the extra mile. When an MIA is spewing out their larynx in the back garden, it is the sober saints who take care of them – and their afterlife. Oh yes, the sober saint has an ulterior motive in mind – to convert the tragic

drunks to the good lord Jesus while they are too shitfaced to make excuses for their sinful soul. While they may not remember asking Jesus to forgive their sins the following morning, they’ll definitely be confused by the influx of emails and phone calls from Destiny Church over the next few weeks. Quote: “When you’ve finished throwing up, and have a spare mo, I’d love to talk to you about our awesome lord, Jesus Christ.” The Tap and Gap. Rather than just staying home, like they wanted to, the tap and gaps drag themselves to the party under a noble sense of obligation, stay for an hour, and then head back home to blog about being an outsider. Most often seen lurking by the door with uncomfortable body language and a shit-eating grin on their face, the tap and gaps usually travel alone, but are also likely to travel as a couple. They won’t drink, mingle, or have even the smallest hint of a fun time, but they’ll show their face just long enough to save themselves from looking like inattentive friends. After slipping out quietly, they’ll txt the host, thanking them for such a marvellous night, apologising for their hasty exit. Quote: “We’d love to stay but I’ve got an exam tomorrow morning… Yeah, I know, I’m so over it! Haha…” The MIA. I don’t mean those that don’t show, I’m talking about those that arrive early, get on the piss, and after a couple of hours are so plastered, they may as well not be there. Whether they’re lights out and drooling on a couch, vomiting in the garden, or swaying on their feet in a corner, these tragic party goers have a lot of trouble saying no to more beersies, but mostly because they’ve lost the ability to speak. Easily identifiable by their glazed dead eyes, swaying and the vomit on their shoes, the MIAs need water, fatty food (if they can get it down), and a long sleep in the recovery position. To rub salt in the wounds, they’ll likely wake up in the morning gloating about the night you know they don’t remember. Quote: “F-f-fuckin’ sssshit wha’ you look’nat?”

The Recruiter. Some party-goers are just never satisfied… No matter how much free alcohol you provide, how excellent your music selection, or how many friends turn out, there are always those that can’t wait to ditch to get to where the action is – town. And, to make matters worse, whether they are trying to scab a lift, or just rustle up some numbers, they use the house party as a recruitment ground, asking everybody within range if they are keen to hit up the clubs later on. If nobody is interested, let the whining begin. Quote: “Are you coming to town after?” The House House Party. Often, when a bunch of recruiters get together, they will try to up the ante of the house party to get themselves in the zone for town. The stereo system will be hijacked and the house will shake to the bass of Pitbull and Nicki Minaj. The rest of the guests start yelling at one another to be heard, causing the volume to creep up even louder. Meanwhile, the host begins to pace nervously around the stereo, asking the recruiters if they’ve found a ride to town yet. The MIA, fresh from vomiting in the bathroom will suddenly come to life, aroused by the beats blasting from the stereo, and by some primordial instinct, they will make their way into the middle of the rave, reeking of bile and bumping into everybody. Finally, they will whoop and scream their way out the door, townbound and tipsy, and the remaining partygoers will be glad to see their backs. Quote: “TIL THE SWEAT DRIPS DOWN MA BAWWLS, AND ALL DEM BITCHES CRAWL!” The Roll Your Owns. Found on the back porch of any house party are the Roll Your Owns - the hipsters - sipping red wine and talking about communism, sexism, feminism (and every other –ism) whilst rolling cigarettes and judging people. Dressed like Doctor Who and not wearing any socks, these self-proclaimed intellects love a good yarn – especially if it involves words like liberal, left wing, Marxism and progressive. Atheists to the core, they will cast snarky glances at the sober saints, discussing the bible’s shortcomings in loud voices, hoping to be overheard.

After several hours of not having any fun, they will disagree on their favourite Smiths album, part ways, and go home to update their Tumblr accounts. Quote: “It’s just so typical of those right wing fascists… They’re so fucking hypocritical about traditional gender roles…” The Couple. While many new relationships are being formed, broken, and consummated at the party, there will always be a few steady couples roaming around, for better or for worse. The good couples are those that separate, mix, mingle, relax, enjoy themselves. And then there are those that simply vanish… Like members of the Green Team, you will look up, and suddenly realise, the pair has left the vicinity. Where they went, you will probably never find out, but as to what they were doing, it is safe to assume it was either fighting, or getting down and dirty on it. Alcohol and romance are rarely a good mix, and many couples choose the social environment of parties to get some alone time – not a great call. They will return a few hours later looking either pissed off or elated, vehemently claiming they were only gone 10 minutes. All that trouble, and to think you only invited one of them… Quote: “Oh, no, we just had to get something out of the car! We ended up talking to Jared for ages, though.” The Gamer. First it was King’s Cup, then it was Never Have I Ever, and then it was Beer Pong… There are those at parties who find it impossible to just chill, mingle and chat with the partygoers – oh no – they have to be doing something at all times. Whether it’s foosball or Twister, their competitive nature will see them challenging anybody sober enough to compete. Generally the loudest group at the party, the gamers can be heard throughout the night breaking into boisterous and spontaneous cheers. The Roll Your Owns will cringe into their red wines as the beer pong balls bounce their way but the gamers won’t pay them any heed – they’re high on testosterone and victory. Quote: “Oh, what the hell, we weren’t playing with those rules at the beginning!?” 21

'Cherry Popsicles'

THE SNUGGLE IS REAL by Laurien Barks My bedtime ritual has changed over the years. It started with getting into a onesie and begging for my stuffed platypus, then morphed into a set bedtime and multiple sips of water to push the boundaries. Somewhere along the line an intense acne-attacking face wash regimen found its way into the mix. And now, it appears I’ve resorted back to onesies, and falling asleep with a book on my face or a half watched film playing on my laptop. But despite my constant evolution and change in sleepy time preferences, there’s remained one consistently favourite aspect to my slumber preparations; the snuggle. One of the hardest parts of growing up and starting to spend extended periods of time away from my parents, has been the absence of bedtime hugs and cuddles. They drift away from the land of regularity, and become a cherished treat that always come way past their due date. You’re forced to suck it up when there’s no one around to hug you to sleep because you’re either too shy to ask a friend, or your friends are too busy with their actual boy/ girlfriends, so they all chip in and end up sending you a body pillow to tide you over. You dab some cologne on it and give it a name, but it’s just not fulfilling the cuddle craving like you need it to. Turns out this deep-set desire for cuddles is not only common, but justified. Countless studies have been dedicated to the benefits of human touch and resulted in findings confirming that human touch aids in reducing everything from depression to mortality rates. Believe it or not, the awareness of cuddle benefits has been on the rise, along with consequent methods to facilitate the unique physical connection. Snuggleup Seattle is one of several organizations to have based their services

'Come to Papa' on fulfilling the human need for snuggles. Similar to most human service organisations, their website includes profiles of the individuals who may be requested for snuggles, prices, and FAQ about this under-the-radar practice. According to Katie, one of Snuggleup Seattle’s professional snugglers, clients have the option to book 30, 45, or 60 minute sessions. “We spend the time in physical contact, fully clothed, usually lying down on a couch or bed.” Proceeding each and every snuggle session, is a series of strict policies and consent forms that clients must sign, to reinforce the non-sexual nature of the service. Snugglers must also alert one of their associates before and after each session to maintain their personal safety, though Katie has never had any difficulty with clients being inappropriate.

“Some clients want to be held and gently touched, others prefer to do the holding. Some clients like to talk during the session, others prefer to be in silence.” Whether they find comfort in conversation, or in listening to another’s heartbeat, each and every client is offered the same relaxed, consensual options for how they would like to be cuddled. ‘I encourage clients to ask for what they need and I will suggest different positions to help them fully relax into the session. The kind of touch involved is similar to that you would have with a child, it’s about offering up comfort and unconditional love, and holding space for whatever arises.’ With a profession that centres around prolonged periods of hugging, one doesn’t have to think hard to imagine the pros of the job. “I find this work to be a beautiful practice of being in service to another,” says Katie, “I am always touched by the reasons

why people seek out a professional cuddler and am honoured to offer this service to support them on their journeys.” However, people don’t always see eye to eye with Katie when it comes to this kind of practice. I, myself, while not being directly opposed to the business, did raise an eyebrow at the concept before I became more educated on the topic. One of her biggest challenges is facing the criticism and claims that snuggling as a paid service is unethical. Turns out, like most prejudices, the dislike of professional cuddling’s main fuel source is ignorance. “Many of the critics do not understand that it is strictly platonic, non-sexual touch,” Katie states, “In an increasingly electronic age where we spend more time in front of our computers or on our phones than snuggled up to our loved ones, I believe that there’s a need for this type of service.” Sharing Katie’s opinion is author of The Cuddle Sutra, Rob Grader. Being a massage therapist as well as a cuddle enthusiast, Grader knows what he’s talking about when it comes to the benefits of human touch. “It improves relationships, communication…it feels good!” he states before continuing “the touch of another can have a dramatic effect on such conditions as depression, arthritis, asthma, ADHD, autism, diabetes, fibromyalgia, hypertension, and migraine headaches.” With a benefit list like that, it’s no wonder Grader was inspired to write his how-to guide to cuddles. The Cuddle Sutra is a vast collection of cuddle positions and accompanying descriptions, cowritten by Grader and his wife. The inspiration struck at the beginning of the couples’ relationship. “We spent the whole day cuddling one day and made it into a holiday – National Cuddle Day. And I just got thinking, there should be a book about cuddling and all the different positions!”

SNUGGLY FACTS 'X Factor' The pair got to work and experimented with several different positions to build up a publishable repertoire. “It’s a tough job,” Grader jokes, “but someone’s got to do it.” Once the list was compiled, it was time for the couple to describe each position so their readers could achieve the positions with ease. The co-authors wound up taking photos of themselves in each of the positions so they could observe and write instructions for each one. While I’ve been notified that it will forever remain away from the rest of the world’s eyes, the happily married couple have their own personal Cuddle Sutra where they star in each of the picture references. When asked what Grader’s favourite cuddle position was, he immediately replied “The first one in the book – Come to Papa. It’s the most comfortable, the most all-encompassing; you can hold it all night.” Though, well aware that all-encompassing cuddles become less frequent in maturing marriages, he’s quick to add that he and his wife of nine years have been finding themselves in positions such as “the Cherry Popsicles, where we’re just holding hands, or X Factor where we have a leg overlapping.” The variety of positions allows couples to keep the physical communication without being completely intertwined all the time. Responses to the couple’s book have been nothing but positive. In fact, another professional snuggling business, The Snuggle Buddies, use The Cuddle Sutra to train new snugglers. Grader states that he’ll receive feedback and emails from newly married couples who intend to try a new position every week, and anyone he’s talked to that’s read it has enjoyed it.

But, let’s be honest, is it really possible to dislike something called The Cuddle Sutra? Especially when it’s relative, Kama, has served us all so well. I asked Grader about his title choice, and the motivation behind linking his book of cuddles to a book of such a famously sexual nature, to which he replied, “I thought it was catchy, and it would peak interest. For me the idea of this book is that cuddling is the most intimate thing you can do, more intimate than sex. People have casual sex, but there’s not often casual cuddling. You have to achieve a certain comfort level with people,” - a statement that reinforced Katie’s previous declaration. Professional cuddling “requires attention to the integrity and boundaries of those offering the service,” because it is such a personal act in an intimate space, both physically and emotionally. Both Grader and Katie agree that cuddling goes far beyond the act of lying with a significant other in bed. Grader has included positions for the bed, couch, and when out in public within the pages his book, and Katie encourages people to grab a friend, or even a pet when the urge to snuggle strikes. Both cuddle enthusiasts reassure that a cuddle can be something as simple as a hug, hand holding, an arm around a person’s shoulders…any kind of loving embrace has the potential to allow people to reap the benefits of snuggles and human touch. So whether you need to set the alarm a bit earlier, or replace your handshakes with hugs, make some time for cuddles in your daily life. Your heart, friends, and body pillow will thank you for it.

1) Cuddling releases oxytocin, the magic hormone with all the benefits! Check out what the wondrous beauty can do for you: •

connect and build trust between you and your cuddle companion

•

give you the ‘nothing can hurt me’ feels

•

improve your immune system

•

decrease pain

•

decrease anxiety

•

lower risk of heart disease

2) One hundred years ago, the infant mortality rate in orphanages was 99 per cent. Impersonal orphanages with an industrial nature were common and overpopulated. The babies died from a rare form of marasmus that no amount of food could cure. The orphans were wasting away from nothing more than lack of touch. Once the babies were moved into a nurturing and loving home, they gained weight again and the marasmus was easily reversed. 23

THE MONSTER & THE BEAST

By Jason Walls It’s over! That’s all she wrote! The fat lady has sung! The New Zealand people have had their say and have collectively participated in the age old process of democracy. And of course, the winner on the day was… Well, I’m actually writing this in the week before Election Day. By the time debate hits the stands, everyone will know the result and Aotearoa will have crowned our country’s leader for the next three years. So congratulations, Mr Key/ Mr Dunne/Dr Whyte / Dr Flavell OR Mr Cunliffe/ Mr Norman & Mrs Turei/Mr Harawira/ Mrs Harre OR… Mr Peters/Mr Key… you get the point. Although I am not yet aware of the outcome, I feel pretty confident in saying New Zealand will be governed by the National Party for a third term and come Election Day, John Key will be grinning ear-to-ear with that trademark smile of his. And why wouldn’t he be? National have been the king pins in this election; constantly polling around 50 per cent mark and at one point, hitting as high as 55 per cent (Herald Digipoll). For a while, it was looking as if the National Party were going to be the first Party under MMP in New Zealand history to govern without any coalition partners. But in the last few weeks their poll numbers dropped and now, even with Peter Dunne and David Seymore, Mr Key may even need to enlist help from the Maori Party’s Dr Flavell or, dare I say it, Winston Peters, to govern for a third term. That is unless the left scrape together enough votes and can form, as Jamie Whyte so eloquently put it, the Left-Wing “Monster”; with Internet-Mana’s crazy hair and a Green’s monster face, a big flabby Labour Party torso and the stumpy little New Zealand First legs. Mr Whyte paints quite a gruesome picture of a mammoth political troll looking to devour the country. However his depiction of a Left-Wing “Monster” as a mashup of various coalitions strikes a rather ironic cord. If National’s support does not stack up and they received less votes than the polls have been suggesting (something most political commentators have agreed will happen), New Zealand may be facing not only

a Liberal Monster, but a Right-Wing Beast. With a stern, serious Colin Craig face and wispy Peter Dunne Hair; long pointy Jamie Whyte fingers with vascular Winston Peters legs and of course the broad John Key chest. Never has there been a more perfect analogy of choosing the lesser of two evils when one pictures a flabby, unkempt monster battling a stern and determined beast for control of a nation. But within this metaphorical battle for supremacy, it is the monster’s flabby torso which will ultimately prove not strong enough for the fight and will crumble, leaving the monster defeated yet again.

THE FALL OF THE LABOUR PARTY On the night of the election, the National Party will celebrate the night away. But as Gerry Brownlee does jello shots and Bill English puts Nick Smith in a cab as he slurs “I… I love you bro! You… you did soooo good to… *hiccup* tonight brooo…” the Labour Party will be picking up the pieces of a failed election campaign and will be left wondering “where did we go wrong?” In the space of a year, Labour’s poll numbers have fallen off a cliff. In late July they slumped to a 15 year low of just 26.5 per cent (according to the Herald DigiPoll) and since then, things have only gotten worse. In fact this time last year there really was not a lot to separate the two parties who were within 5 per cent of each other. One year, and one leader later, Labour’s polling numbers have dropped more than 10 per cent. Now I’m not saying Labour’s demise is solely Cunliffe’s fault, but a Party’s reputation often rests upon the shoulders of its leader. Those who have been following my weekly Last Week In Politics columns will know I have little love for David Cunliffe. Maybe it’s the fact that he’s the Party’s leader, despite the existence of a group of Labour MP’s called the ‘ABC’s’ (anybody but Cunliffe). Maybe it’s because of his blundering of Labour’s Capital Gains tax policy, making it look as though he did not even know what it was about, and injecting a further layer of doubt into already sceptical voters. Cunliffe has openly stated he would like to stay

on as leader after the election if his party loses, “In general and with any new leader you go through a learning curve,” he told The Herald, adding “I think there is a very strong argument that it would be a waste of time, energy and resources to go through that process and start again.” If plummeting in the polls before an election is a “learning curve” for Cunliffe, I wonder what he considers all out failure to be; “still getting the hang of things,” maybe? However, the Party’s fast-track to the low 20 per cent mark is not all Cunliffe’s fault and there were plenty of other reasons why Labour failed to capitalise this election. Labour’s treasure chest of policies has been stacking up and as the smoke cleared, the high price of their plans was reviled to be close to $6 billion. Combine that with the Green’s projected $6.5 billion, plus NZ First and Internet/Mana price tags, you’ve got a lot of government spending. Even with the capital they gain from their long list of new taxes, there is a big chance it will affect inflation levels. For this and a list of other reasons, the 2014 election campaign was less about “National will be better for the county because…” and more about “take a look at what the alternative to a National lead government will be.”

‘BOMBSHELLS’ AND DIRTY POLITICS No political feature piece would be complete without talking about some of the ‘nitty-gritty’ antics in the election and boy have we had our pick! Whether it’s books, emails, video-links, “I categorically deny this” or “I cannot recall that,” the election has been riddled with political twists and turns. Nicky Hager’s Dirty Politics really threw a spanner in the works for the National Party. The revelations eventually claimed the scalp of Judith Collins who resigned on August 30th, leaving a sour taste in the New Zealand public’s mouth about how things “really operate” in the Beehive. The media orbited Dirty Politics for weeks after the book came out, sucking up all the political oxygen in the media from any other Party. Key called the book a “smear campaign” and shrugged Hager off as a “left wing conspiracy theorist.”

Despite weeks of being on the back foot, National didn’t take the expected dive in the polls many predicted they would. In fact, they barely flickered in a Herald DigiPoll which put them still above 50 per cent mark, Key putting it down to “a huge fatigue factor” for voters. Kim Dotcom’s eerie presence cloaked the Dirty Politics saga and the hacking of personal email accounts sent a very ‘Dotcomy’ shiver down many voters’ spines. Although Dotcom denied being the Whale Oil hacker, his involvement with the internet’s underbelly and his war with John Key certainly give the accusations some credibility. Besides, Dotcom had his own ‘bombshell’ planned. He told the country he had ‘bombshell’ revelations about the Prime Minister and set a date, conveniently close to the election, to reveal this information. After weeks and weeks of Dirty Politics, Dotcom’s ‘bombshell’ was always going to be pale in comparison. As Key said, voters have a fatigue factor and there is only so much mud-slinging they can take before they simply stop caring. The ‘bombshell’ was more of a fire cracker. Dotcom released an email suggesting a conspiracy theory between John Key and Warner Bros Chief Executive, to have Dotcom lured to New Zealand so he could be extradited to the US. The email’s subject line was “MegaRIP.” I’m no specialist in the email etiquette of millionaire CEO’s running multi-billion dollar companies, but when trying to capture a fugitive in an extremely lucrative and secretive manner by essentially shifting him to the other side of the world one would think, at the very least, the subject line would be a little more… professional. What I’m saying is, Dotcom admitted to hacking the German credit rating system and putting the Prime Minister’s credit rating to zero; he funnelled money to John Banks in an attempt to avoid extradition and when that failed, he started his own political party. My call, the email is a fake. Dotcom had nothing to lose and everything to gain from the situation and decided to take his chances in a bid to pull the wool over the whole country’s eyes. However, during the ‘Moment of Truth’ event at the Auckland Town Hall, US NSA whistle blower Edward Snowden claimed Key was involved in “mass surveillance” of the country. Key of course denied this. But the topic of mass surveillance took a front seat in what was left of the election campaign, as well as reopening the debate about the ethics of “spying” on your own citizens.

NEW ZEALAND: BATTLEGROUND EPSOM Epsom is basically the Ohio of New Zealand, from a political point of view. In the US elections, Ohio is famously a swing state meaning it could go either way. This makes it hugely important for

Presidential candidates, as winning Ohio gives you a much better chance at winning the White House. Although Epsom is by no means a swing electorate (it has always been traditionally conservative and a right wing candidate will always win that seat), the electorate is critically important in New Zealand politics. The central Auckland suburb has been home turf for the likes of Rodney Hide, John Banks and now the young David Seymour has claimed the electorate as his hunting ground. Make no mistake, Seymour will win Epsom. ACT has held Epsom for almost 10 years and the electorate will remain yellow for many more years to come. But the seemingly small electorate of just over 6,000 voters holds the fate of the rest of New Zealand’s voting population in their hands. Why? It’s simple. Without the support of the ACT party’s candidate in Epsom, National’s fate in any of the last three elections (I include the current) would have been decidedly different. Without ACT in 2008, Helen Clark would have won her fourth term as Prime Minster and Mr Key would have been soon forgotten. Without ACT in 2011, Mr Goff would have triumphed over Key and National would have had a short lived three year term in power.

BY THE TIME YOU READ THIS, YOU WILL KNOW FOR SURE IF THE ‘BEAST’ TOOK DOWN THE ‘MONSTER’ AND HOW EXTENSIVE THE DAMAGE WAS. And now today. Without ACT’s candidate, National would be missing a vital seat which could quite realistically mean the difference between winning and losing this election. In short, there is a lot riding on Mr Seymour’s campaign. National has been widely criticized for using Epsom voters as political puppets. They openly encourage residents of the central Auckland suburb to vote for ACT’s candidate as having a coalition partner adds up to having an extra seat in Parliament. Think back to the 2011 election when John Key met John Banks for a leisurely cup of tea at an Epsom café. Yep, just a couple of Johns… and a dozen reporters. Their little outing was a political stunt; aimed at showing Epsom voters that John was backing John. It is worth mentioning ACT’s Rodney Hide won the electorate on his own steam back in 2005

without the backing of National, reinforcing the idea ACT do have a legitimate foothold in the Auckland suburb. But a lot has changed since 2005 and National’s support has increased dramatically. So, is Epsom still ACT’s home field, or has it become just a pawn in National’s game of political chess?

LOOKING FORWARD The New Zealand political world is notoriously unpredictable. You may think you know something for certain and then it turns out you were dead wrong. That’s why making predictions about ‘looking forward’ will be hard. Despite this (and I realise I may have egg on my face reading this on Monday morning) my call is the National and their coalition partners will win this election. It will be closer than a lot of people think, but Key will retain his position as New Zealand’s Prime Minister for the next three years. Labour have stumbled and fallen this election and a lot of their would be support, shifted to the Green Party. When Labour are weak, the Greens are stronger and benefit from liberal voters who want to vote left, but don’t want to vote for Labour and thus turn to the Greens. Labour has three years to prepare for the next election, to invest in a leader New Zealand can rally behind. A leader who captures the imagination to swing-voters, and cements the vision of Labour Party supporters. Will it be Robertson? Will it be Shearer? Maybe the young Jacinda Ardern will take the reins? New Zealand politics are notoriously unpredictable so it’s hard to say, but I think the next leader of the Labour Party will be the next Prime Minister (touch wood). But that’s in three years’ time. New Zealand has 1095 days of a National governance to look forward to… or to suffer under depending on what side of the fence you’re on. Key has promised tax cuts in 2017, an election year funnily enough and says they will use roughly a third for the $1.5 billion annual “head room” to achieve this. Are we seeing a preelection promise three years in advance? The big problem for National for the future is ironically their greatest asset now; John Key. It’s because of his reputation National have survived an election campaign of Dirty Politics and various other political attacks. But when Key’s gone, who will take over? There are not a lot of exciting candidates’ in National’s front benches and I doubt any of them will be anywhere near as popular as Key is. But time will tell. By the time you read this, you will know for sure if the ‘beast’ took down the ‘monster’ and how extensive the damage was. The battle has been fierce and brutal with casualties on either side. As you look back on what has been a thrilling election campaign, may you rest knowing regardless of who you voted for, your vote helped shape the country you live in. Here’s to hoping in three years’ time, we will have another election just as exciting as this one. 25

image: Alexandre Dulaunoy

BURSTING THE BUBBLE By Amelia Petrovich. People are so silly. I’m right; I promise I am. Society is really just a huge and lovable goofball full of strange stuff. We pay taxes and follow elections, but we also like to play board games like ‘Operation’ because touching a fake clown’s entrails with pliers and having it buzz is hilarious. We are scientists, philosophers and poets but a lot of us also choose to own guinea pigs (the most useless animal in the world) or pick alphabet pasta over linguini so we can spell our names in a bowl of soup. So what I’m wondering is, if we are all such jolly doofuses… why are we all so scared of one another? I’m not meaning large-scale Moment of Truth mass surveillance scared (if you even deem that scary, I feel it could be scarier for the NSI watching my dysfunctional life play out on every platform ever but that’s just me), I’m meaning just simple, every-day intimidated by one another for almost no reason. More and more I’m noticing that people naturally slip into this little isolated bubble of existence, refusing to approach other human beings on a day-to-day basis due to what I can only interpret as an inflamed fear of rejection. But criticizing the actions of other people is no fun and I am a massive narcissist so let’s talk about me instead for a bit. I remember one morning in 2012 arriving at the bus stop on my way to school. I remember that it was a morning in 2012 because I was an obsessive diary writer with an abiding paranoia

of eventual Alzheimer’s, needing to preserve every day for posterity. I’m nowhere near as paranoid now… I don’t think… Though I may write another entry after I’ve typed this just for luck. Anyway I got to the bus stop and had sat down when a guy my own age sprinted from the corner over to the bus stop and visually clawed at the timetable, panting. Obviously discovering that he hadn’t missed the bus, this complete stranger turned to me immediately and gave me the hugest, most beautiful grin, eye contact and everything. I was stunned. I mean I’d been watching this guy’s dramatic bus stop adventure but I also had my headphones in and by no means had I expected him to penetrate my little isolation bubble and try to enter my world. That grin was an attempted connection, an opening for conversation with a potentially interesting person. So what did I do? Eighteen-years-old on my way to school full of all the confidence in the world I smiled sheepishly and quickly stared at my feet. Why?? I didn’t know this kid, and worst case scenario, I attempt conversation and he rejects it. I still don’t know him so I’ve lost nothing. Yet I stayed silent. Fast forward to 2014, there I am walking up Wellesley Street after uni on my way home and I hear a voice behind me, “hey, girl with the green jumper!” Instant suspicion, what does this person want to sell me? I turn around and again, I see a guy my own age looking me in the eye, “I just thought you looked real cool and was wondering if you wanted to chat for a bit?” Ladies, gentlemen, everyone, there is a respectful way to approach interesting strangers you encounter in public and this is it. Note it down.

So we walked on for a bit and had a chat, had a couple of laughs and swapped numbers. The whole time I could not stop admiring this young man for being so damn brave because, even though I am not cool in the slightest, he’s seen a person he wanted to connect with and just went for it. Therefore he walked away having had a conversation, exchanged a couple of jokes and gained a telephone number, whereas shy little 18-year-old me at the bus stop had walked away baffled with a big fat zero. Growing up our parents all told us not to talk to strangers (or I presume all of our parents did, unless it was just my mother with a heightened awareness of her own daughter’s inability to socialize properly) but now that we are grown up I don’t think it’s fear of strangers that keeps us away from them anymore. Not many people seem to have trouble chatting to randoms in Burger King when they’re fuzzy with Smirnoff after a big night out, it’s only when we’re sober and insecure that we put our headphones in, pull out our phones and hunch over in our seat. Fear of rejection is a tricky one because it’s ridiculously common and irreversible, it will always suck to reach out to a person and have them be like “um… no deal”. But when it works out it’s so bloody cool I feel like we all need to just collectively suck it up a tiny bit more and try to connect with other dorks. Because that gorgeous babe sitting two rows in front of you at lectures is just a person. They probably dump unwanted food in the fridge section of the supermarket when no one’s looking too - maybe they listen to Robbie Williams when they’re sad. Just do it. Do it. Who knows what you might walk away with.

burgerS by Kieran Bennett Burgers. I feel like I don’t really need to say anything else here. A burger is, some may say, the perfect food. It’s a subtle, yet powerful, combination of meat, vegetables, bread and daring-do. A burger can be, and often is, whatever you want it to be. A burger doesn’t judge. A burger only knows how to love. Well now that you’re all feeling vastly uncomfortable let’s talk burgers. I can say with 100 per cent certainty that everyone who reads this has, at some point in their life, had a shit burger. You know what I’m saying right? Either the meat was burned, or the vegetables brown or maybe the bread could have been replaced with a piece of old drywall. If you’ve had a faeces burger, keep reading. If you haven’t, stop lying to yourself. Your Dad’s ‘extra char’ burger tasted like burnt rectum and you know it. Now, I have made in my life a great many burgers, some were awful and really deserved to be buried six feet under while others were glorious monuments to taste. Equally, I have eaten a lot of burgers. I think we should leave that there before I start to dwell on my burger eating habits. But what makes the perfect burger? How can you do more than just beef, tomato and lettuce? Can you really believe it’s not butter? Let’s find out.

The Guide to Great Ingredients

No matter how you make the actual patty itself, it’s important to only press it once. Form the mince into a slightly flat medallion and slightly press it into the pan but don’t, in the name of the old gods and the new, flip the patty and press it again. A burger patty is like sex. No, really. It needs liquid; otherwise it’s just dry and uncomfortable. When you press too much on the patty, the juices come out, and with it, a lot of the flavour and goodness. Another little tip is that you can also poke a hole in the middle of the burger before you cook it, this will help it cook more evenly and the hole will actually seal up during cooking. Of course, there are other meats you can put on your burgers, but for the sake of simplicity, I’m just going to stick to beef. Here is a general recipe for making some damn fine burger patties What you’ll need: ·

Mince

An Egg

Breadcrumbs (maybe ¼ of a cup, try less to begin with, you can always add more later)

Seasoning (use whatever you like, garlic salt and Italian herbs is always a safe one)

Bread Ah the humble bun. Oft scorned, never praised. The bun of a burger is kind of like the chassis of a car. Or at least it would be if I knew anything at all about cars and had the vaguest idea what a chassis was. What I’m saying here is that the bread is kind of important. The bun that you use can really set the tone for your burger from the very first bite. The meat you use may be the single most fabulous heated piece of dead animal to ever grace a plate, but it’s ruined if your bun is dry and uninteresting. A good approach is to not buy your buns in advance, but rather buy them on the day and preferably from an actual bakery. Also avoid any mass produced bread products that proclaim ‘perfect for burgers’. Vegetables Vegetables for burgers are like vegetables for salad or kinky night time activities. Fresher is better. Barring fresh, at least mildly fresh is okay. That’s all there is to it. Much like myself, vegetables are simple. And crisp. Meat Now here is where I will undoubtedly annoy a great many people. The correct way to cook a minced beef patty has led to families being torn apart, communities’ combusting and nations going to war. So, rest assured that however you cook burger patties, it’s probably wrong.

What you should do with that: ·

Put your mince into a bowl. Crack your egg into the same bowl and then add your breadcrumbs. Now prepare your hands and begin to smush and smash the mixture together. If the mixture feels incredibly dry, add another egg. If it feels very wet, add a little more breadcrumbs. Form them into rough patties and have your way with them. Or, put them into your pan and slightly press them. When they’re browning on the bottom, flip them and cook until the other side is brown.

Doing More With Your Burger All burgers are assumed to be made with around 500g of mince and so will make 4 medium sized burgers, two pretty large burgers or one artery clogging monster of destruction. Adjust topping quantities depending on number of burgers being made. Here I present to you a collection of eight different burger recipes. All hopefully different from the standard, and all hopefully delicious. Turn the page for some Burgerlicious recipes!

1) The Kiwi Classic Perhaps this one is a little bit of cheat, being kind of like cultural knowledge. But in any case, this burger is beyond a shadow of a doubt an essential at any barbeque. With a heavy, savoury taste, this burger isn’t a light meal; but it’s been eaten for years, so it must do something right. Burger Bits: · Beef mince · 1 Egg · ¼ cup of breadcrumbs · Cheese slices · 1 Fried egg with a runny yolk (totally optional) · Sliced beetroot · Lettuce · Tomato · Onion Burger Prep: · Combine your mince, egg and breadcrumbs (and any spices or herbs) and form into patties. Fry your burger patty in a hot pan. When the patty is brown on both sides, place your slice of cheese on the patty to get it to melt and then crack your egg into the pan and start frying it. When the cheese is melted and the egg fried, begin to assemble your burger. Stack Order · Bun bottom · Onion · Patty with melted cheese · Tomato · Lettuce · Beetroot · Fried egg (totally optional) · Sauce (tomato sauce is the classic) · Bun top

2) The Mexican Surprise This burger isn’t actually a surprise, or at least if you make it yourself it won’t be. But maybe you have a terrible memory. In which case this burger will be quite the shock, maybe sit down before eating it. You might be sitting down after you eat it though; this burger has some spice thanks to the array of flavours in the meat. If you like spice though, you’re in for a treat with the chips giving a great crunch and a pile of diced tomatoes providing a much needed cool. Burger Bits: · Beef mince · 1 Egg · ¼ cup of breadcrumbs · ½ tsp. Chilli powder · 1 tsp. Cumin seeds · 1 tsp. Garlic salt · ½ tsp. Mild paprika · ¼ tsp. Cinnamon · Cheese slices · 1 Fresh, diced tomato · 1 tsp. Fresh coriander · 1 tsp. Lime juice · 1 Diced onion · A couple rings of capsicum · A few jalapeño slices (optional) · Spicy Corn Chips Burger Prep: · Combine your mince, egg and breadcrumbs along with all your spices in a bowl. Now that your hands are covered in raw meat and chilli, this would be a good time to rub your eye or handle your junk. When that’s done, leave your meat to rest while you thoroughly dice your onion and tomato. After you’ve committed vegetable murder, begin heating your pan. While your pan heats, mix your tomato, onion and lime juice together. Throw your patties on to cook (assuming the pan is heated) and sip your choice of beverage while they cook. After you have performed the first flip, cut yourself some capsicum rings and jalapeño slices, making sure to stick your capsicum hands up your nose afterwards. When the burger is fully brown, melt a slice of cheese on it and stir the coriander into your tomato, onion and lime juice mix and begin building. Stack Order: · Bun Bottom · Patty with melted cheese · Tomato salsa · Capsicum rings · Jalapeño · Corn chips · Bun top

3) The Italian Stallion A burger that I would love to claim as my own invention, having made it many times. However the idea of a burger being so Italian you may as well give it a cheap floral shirt and a gold chain is hardly new. That said though, this burger is still delicious, with the herby flavour in the patty being complimented by the addition of basil pesto and a gratuitous amount of mozzarella. And while I’m not the biggest fan, a few fried mushrooms and the sundried tomato really completes the burger. Burger Bits · Beef mince · 1 Egg · ¼ - ½ cup of breadcrumbs · 1 tbsp. of Italian herbs · 1 tbsp. of garlic salt · 1 tbsp. of basil pesto · Sliced red onion · Sliced tomato · Diced mushrooms · A knob (heh) of butter · A little grated mozzarella · Sundried tomatoes (perhaps 200/300 grams?) · 1 - 1 ½ cups of water · A crushed garlic clove Burger Prep: · First of all we’ll need to be making our sundried tomato puree. Put your sundried tomatoes and water into a pot and bring to the boil. When the pot is boiling, turn the heat way down and lightly simmer for 15 minutes. After simmering the tomatoes, remove from the heat and cool. While the tomatoes cool, combine your mince, egg, breadcrumbs, herbs and basil pesto in a bowl. With this patty it’s important to account for the wetness of not only the egg, but the pesto as well. But remember you can always add more breadcrumbs, you can’t take them out. Put your pan on to heat and take your now cooled sundried tomatoes, drain them, and blend them thoroughly with the crushed garlic clove. Fry your burger as per standard practice, cutting up your tomato, onion and mushrooms while it cooks. After the vegetables are cut, but before the first flip, heat a little butter in a small pot. When the butter is melting, throw your mushrooms in with a little salt and pepper, stirring around occasionally. When the burger is browned, carefully place some grated mozzarella on your patty. After your cheese melts and mushrooms have cooked, commence construction. Stack Order · Bun bottom · Onion slices · Pesto filed patty with cheese · Tomato · Mushrooms · Sundried tomato puree · Bun top

4) The American Dream There’s nothing quite like taking all the stereotypes you’ve ever known about a country and then condensing it into a meaty sandwich thing, and this is what this burger does. Beef, bacon, cheese, pickles and more freedom than a Middle Eastern oil field, this burger is a solid and imposing tower of meat and flavour. Burger Bits: · Minced beef · 1 Egg · ¼ cup of breadcrumbs · 1 tbsp. Worchester sauce · Salt and pepper · Bacon (2 rashers per burger) · Lettuce · Tomato · Sliced red onion · Sliced cheddar cheese · Round sliced pickles · Mild American mustard · Tomato sauce Burger Prep · Combine your meat, egg, breadcrumbs, Worchester sauce and salt and pepper together in a bowl. Throw your patties on to cook and begin heating another small pan. While that pan heats and your patties cook, cut up your vegetables. When you flip your burgers, throw your bacon into the pan and fry it up. When it’s almost done, melt the cheese on top of your patties. Begin building your burger. Stack Order · Bun bottom · Patty with melted cheese · Lettuce · Tomato · Bacon · Pickles · Onion · Mild American mustard · Tomato sauce · Bun top

Tune in next week for more of Kieran's delicious burger recipes! Also, make sure to enter our Burger Themed Competition (details on page 17) and you can go in to win a $100 Gordon Harris Voucher! WOOP WOOP!

REVIEWS

Do your strong opinions drive away your friends? Send us an email at mcattin@aut.ac.nz to contribute to our reviews section.

Lucy Directed by Luc Besson Starring Scarlett Johansson, Morgan Freeman, Min-sik Choi

The movie is based around the common myth that humans only use 10 per cent of their brain capacity, theoretically leaving a great deal of mind power potentially unlockable. The myth was debunked long ago, but this isn’t exactly what I would call a scientifically accurate story. As the plot develops, so too does the percentage of brain power Lucy has access to, making her more powerful, but also more unstable. Attempts are made to develop Lucy’s character as she goes from normal human to Jason Bourne to Professor X to friggin God Almighty, however the writers apparently couldn’t decide if she should be an emotionless killing machine with an increasing disregard for human life or a vulnerable woman terrified about losing what makes her human. This is best shown in a scene where, within about one minute of screen time, she shoots an unconscious patient undergoing surgery, coldly declaring that he was beyond saving anyway, then in a whiplash-inducing character 360, calls her mother and cries about how weird things have suddenly become. Nothing manages to slow the heroine down once she starts her psychic rampage and that is perhaps the biggest flaw of the movie - Lucy is so drastically overpowered that there is at no point any sense of danger.

Reviewed by Connor McLay This is the story of a girl much like your average coms student; trying to balance a life of study while raving at night and trying to decide which boys are trustworthy and which just want her to smuggle drugs for them. Okay, maybe that last part is an experience somewhat foreign to the average coms student. But not for Lucy. Forced into carrying an illegal new high (surgically implanted in her abdomen) across borders by a ruthless gang lord, things go from bad to worse to what-the-hell when the packet of drugs bursts inside of her and inadvertently ends up giving her superpowers.

Peep Show: Seasons 1 & 2 Written by Sam Bain and Jesse Armstrong Starring David Mitchell, Robert Webb and Olivia Colman

While it’s certainly funny to see the surprised faces of those she blows past without so much of a second glance, the tension that was built up in the first part of the movie is lost due to a very real impression of the main character being completely invincible. The movie tries to create a sense of urgency by revealing that Lucy’s mind cannot handle the power and is slowly falling apart, but this only manifests itself in one scene and even then there is the very real sense that this is only a minor inconvenience now that Lucy has so much control of her world. Flaws aside, there are redeeming points. The film is well made and Scarlett Johansson reminds us why she is an A-lister, despite being somewhat let down by the writers. A fun to watch movie, but not a classic, you will enjoy Lucy if you usually like this sort of thing. Just don’t expect to be on the edge of your seat.

The series follows Mark, (David Mitchell) a neurotic wage slave and his best friend/roommate Jeremy, (Robert Webb) a lazy, failing DJ as they try, and fail, to succeed in love and business. So far so shit. What makes the series stand out is its direction. Peep Show is entirely filmed from point of view shots (for those of you who study real degrees, this means the camera shows the character’s point of view). Mark and Jeremy’s thoughts can be heard via voice over. This adds another level of realism to the characters - they’re as secretly sociopathic as you or I. The main overarching plot of Peep Show follows Mark’s relationship with his workplace crush turned lover Sophie (Olivia Colman). As the series goes on, things just get worse and worse for the guy as his carefulness and cowardice end up ruining his life. Peep Show makes you cringe harder than Colin Craig at a gay pride parade. At least once per episode you’re shouting “NO NO NO WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS!” at the screen like a maniac. On the bright side, it makes you feel infinitely better about your own life. Though the two leads are bog-standard generic sitcom characters on the surface, they’re very well realised and never boring. Mark and Jeremy kind of remind me of Walter White; they’re horrendous human beings, but you can’t help but like them. Peep Show also contains a diverse cast of unique and memorable supporting characters. Everyone, from sociopathic businessman Johnson to crack addled maniac Super Hans, is superb. They’re all larger than life, yet believable.

Reviewed by Nigel Mckenzie-Ryan If The Office is the king of British sitcoms, then Peep Show is the beautiful princess that was locked in a tower. Few people have heard of this BAFTA award winning series; probably because the premise sounds god-awful on paper.

Peep show is one of my favourite series of all time. It’s one of the few shows that I’ve seen in entirety more than twice. My only complaint is that the producers of Peep Show do the regular British TV show thing in that they only release six episodes and then take two years off. I suppose that it keeps the writers’ minds fresh and pushes back the series’ creative expiry date. I kind of wish more TV shows did that. Maybe even The Big Bang Theory would be bearable if they took a 10,000 year break.

Before I Go To Sleep Starring: Nicole Kidman, Colin Firth, Mark Strong Directed by Rowan Joffé

into the bedroom, Christine’s husband Ben (Colin Firth) reintroduces himself, calmly filling in the blanks as he does every morning. Ben heads off for work, leaving Christine to mull over this new (yet old) information. Is she being hoodwinked? Is Ben really who he says he is? The phone rings – it’s Dr Nash, a psychologist working pro bono with Christine to help her regain her memories. He reminds her of a camera hidden in her wardrobe and tells her to create daily video blogs of what she learns each day, an attempt to get one up on the amnesia. With each day that passes, and the aid of the camera, Christine begins to unravel the mystery of the incident that caused her amnesia. It’s extremely tense viewing considering her permanent vulnerability, especially as it becomes clear very early on that somebody isn’t telling Christine the truth. But who is it? And for what purpose?

Reviewed by Matthew Cattin Based on the S. J. Watson novel of the same name, Before I Go To Sleep is an amnesia thriller in the same vein as Christopher Nolan’s brilliant Memento, only humourless and far less memorable. Starring the tense and ever-frowning Nicole Kidman as amnesiac Christine Lucas, we are introduced to the now familiar Hollywood amnesia plot as she wakes up one morning, a stranger’s hand holding her in a sleeping embrace. She walks naked into the bathroom, confused and disorientated, where she finds upon the wall a collage of photos. She learns she is married to the man left in the bedroom, a theory validated by the ring on her finger. Walking back

Housebound Directed by Gerard Johnstone Starring Morgana O’Reilly, Rima Te Wiata, Glen-Paul Waru

The strong cast of Oscar winners is on form, playing their respective roles with finesse. The casting of Mark Strong and Colin Firth was a particular stroke of genius, for reasons you will discover should you see this film. Kidman is excellent as the permanently spooked Christine, but it would have been nice for her to break the tension occasionally with some shreds of humour or personality. I understand she has amnesia, but her character is very bland – think her character from The Others, only more forgetful. As a psychological thriller, Before I Go To Sleep works very well, however I must critique the film’s somewhat let-down of an ending. It builds naturally to an extremely tense climax and chilling revelation, and then comes back down again for the finale, rather than continuing to build. Having been ripped to shreds in bad reviews (and with a low IMDb score to boot), my expectations were quite low, but I left the cinema pleasantly surprised. I was kept on my toes the whole film and fell right into its traps. It won’t blow your mind, but you could certainly do a lot worse.

suspect her mother’s ramblings about the house being haunted may be true. Teaming up with her parole officer and part time supernatural investigator, Kylie tries to solve a decade old murder that may be the key to surviving her home detention. I am not a huge fan of horror, as I find the scares a bit forced and never terribly frightening in the first person. However, I was disappointed by how un-scary the movie was. While there are a few jumps here and there, there was nothing particularly terrifying, going for gruesome more than horror, and the comedy and parody aspects of the movie proved more prevalent throughout. It may be disappointing to horror fans, but Housebound does make for an excellent comedy instead.

Reviewed by Ethan Sills New Zealand seems to be enjoying quite a good year in terms of local film. What we Do in the Shadows, The Dark Horse and upcoming The Dead Lands have done well both here and overseas, plus a number of local selections were featured during the film fest and in smaller cinemas. This trend continues with Housebound, a quirky horror-comedy from Gerard Johnstone, co-creator of my favourite Kiwi show ever The Jacqui Brown Diaries. And while Housebound does not stack up to that, it still made for a mostly enjoyable ride. When Kylie Bucknell is apprehended while robbing an ATM, she is sentenced to eight months home detention back in her creepy childhood home, trapped with her naïve and bothersome mum Miriam. As the two women struggle being back under the same roof, a series of strange disturbances cause Kylie to

It is also a pity how long it takes for the movie to really get going. You could easily say Housebound is about mother-daughter relationships, as the tension between Kylie and Miriam is a key part of the movie and the first half spends time building up their relationship and tensions. It makes for a nice character study, but the slow building scenes slow down the pace of the movie, and unfortunately made it feel much longer than it actually was. Things pick up in the third act when everything starts to be revealed and we get the archetypal climax of everyone chasing everyone through the house. This scene had a perfect mixture of twists, tension and laughs, and it makes up for the deadly slow pace in the first hour. So while it may not be the most amazing thing ever, Housebound was a nice tale in the end, full of some really funny moments topped off by an excellent final act. If you can make it through the slow first hour, the movie features a lot of twists and deconstruction of horror tropes, and features great performances from leads Morgana O’Reilly and Rima Te Wiata. It may not set the world on fire, but it does show that New Zealand films can be just as good as everyone else’s.

ADVICE FOR FUTURE AUTINTERNZ By Ximena Smith Ximena is a Communications Studies graduate and this year interned at The B Team in New York as one of the first AUT interNZ international scholarship recipients. The B Team is a not-forprofit initiative formed by a global group of leaders to create a future where the purpose of business is to be a driving force for social, environmental and economic benefit. One of her most important contributions has been supporting Entrepreneur in Residence and previous CEO Derek Handley with his digital communications, as well as working on campaigns such as The Shoulder Tap and the Virgin Voter Collective. To capture some of her thoughts on the experience, she has written five pieces of advice that may be useful to any readers thinking of applying for the programme. 1. Be organised and thoughtful with your time. There is an overwhelming amount of stuff to do in a place like New York City, so I think it’s important to firstly A) accept that you won’t be able to do everything, unless you are incredibly wealthy and you have a lot of spare time (if you’re an intern, both these things are probably unlikely), and then B) make sure you’re organised and selective about the stuff you DO end up doing. Decide what sorts of things you definitely don’t want to miss out on here - maybe you want to see a lot of music gigs, maybe you want to visit every single

room at the Met museum, or maybe you just want to visit as many amazing food trucks as you can. Following some of the many awesome blogs and newsletters with specific info about particular interests can also help streamline this information, such as Oh My Rockness which is a fantastic gig guide, or The Skint which showcases a lot of awesome free / cheap stuff to do in the city. 2. Be prepared to do the menial and mundane. You might have been top of your class, but remember, you’re still an intern in one of the most competitive cities in the world. So, come into work every day with an open and willing attitude to do whatever is handed to you, be prepared to stay at the office a bit later sometimes than you want to, and be ready to take on board any critical feedback. It sucks sometimes, but if you play it right, additional future work with the company beyond your internship might be on the cards. 3. Put yourself out there to meet people, because it’s basically like being the new kid at school again (but worse). Okay, sure there aren’t the same weird social pressures as there were when you were at school, but really, making new friends with a whole set of new people in a new city is pretty tough. It’s certainly a much slower process than at school because the only time you get to hang with new people (other than work mates or roommates) is in the weekend or after work. When you don’t know many people to start with, things can seem a little bit lonely. Although I was lucky to have a number of other AUT interNZ who were already there when I arrived, the best way I branched out from this was by going to events of people with similar interests (Meetup.com can be good for this), as well as joining a local running group, North Brooklyn Runners, where I’ve met heaps of awesome people from all sorts of different backgrounds.

4. Don’t be afraid of Craigslist. This deserves its own point because really, there are so many bargains to be found on this website. A few months ago I decided that the reason why I was sleeping badly was because my bed sucked, and that I couldn’t possibly survive another night. Through the wonders of Craigslist, I managed to find a new bed, get it transported to my apartment, and get it set up that very same day - a far cheaper and quicker exercise than had I gone to IKEA or Sleepy’s or wherever. Although CL seems dodgy because everything is in Times New Roman and because people frequently neglect to put a photo with their listing, in reality A LOT of people use this website - to sell stuff, to find roommates, to offer services - so it’s definitely worth a look when you’re on the hunt for something. 5. Try to save more than you think you could possibly need before you leave. Although this one sounds somewhat obvious, I honestly feel like I still get surprised by how expensive everything is here. All the price tags initially appear somewhat similar to NZ, but then you convert it NZD, THEN add tax, THEN add a tip, and it all starts to add up pretty quickly. And I’m not even going to get started on rent. I guess that’s just the nature of a place like New York City though - I would prefer to go home with no money left in my bank account knowing that I properly experienced the city, rather than spend my whole year abroad being a scrooge. I could go on and on about some of the stuff I have learned here, but debate has a word limit. If you’re thinking about applying and have any questions, feel free to find me on Facebook, Twitter (@ximenachristine) or LinkedIn.

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