Debate issue16

Issue 16 | AUGUST 2013 www.ausm.org.nz

Issue 16 | August 2013 Directory

reception City Campus Level 2, WC Building 921 9805 Mon-Thurs: 9am-5pm Fri: 9am-4pm North Shore Campus Level 2, AS Building 921 9949 Mon-Fri: 11am-1pm

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Cover

Photograph by Ramina Rai p22

EDITOR

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Matthew Cattin matthew.cattin@aut.ac.nz

sub editor Nigel Moffiet

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designer/PHOTOGRAPHER Ramina Rai

Manukau Campus MB107 921 9999 ext 6672 Mon-Thurs: 9am-3.30pm governance & leadership Kizito Essuman AuSM Student President 921 9999 ext 8571 kizito.essuman@aut.ac.nz

contributors

marketing Kate Lin Sales and Marketing Co-ordinator 921 9999 ext 8909 kate.lin@aut.ac.nz events Carl Ewen Student Life Manager 921 9999 ext 8931 carl.ewen@aut.ac.nz media Matthew Cattin Publications Co-ordinator 921 9999 ext 8774 matthew.cattin@aut.ac.nz vesbar Zane Chase Vesbar Manager 921 9999 ext 8378 zane.chase@aut.ac.nz volunteers & clubs Lauren Howe Volunteers Coordinator 921 9999 ext 8911 lauren.howe@aut.ac.nz

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Illustration & Photography Carl Ewen | Ramina Rai

management Kathy Anderson General Manager 921 9999 ext 8570 kanderso@aut.ac.nz advocacy Siobhan Daly AuSM Advocate 921 9999 ext 8311 siobhan.daly@aut.ac.nz

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Ben Hill | Chantel Strydom | Connor McLay |Erica Donald | Erica McQueen | Hazel Buckingham | India Hendrikse | Kieran Bennett | Mike Ross |Nathalie Owen | Ramina Rai | Shilo Kino | Thomas Thexton |

advertising contact Kate Lin kate.lin@aut.ac.nz

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AuSM all rights reserved 5 Editorial

20 MUSIC: Ratsmagic

6 Artist of the week

21 Debate Questionaire

8 FASHION: Street Styles

22 RECIPE From A Street Corner

11 Creative Tips 12 MUSIC: The Antlers 14 NIFTY NEWS 15 SPORTS: How Far Would You Go to Be the Best?

16 Letters & AuSM Updates 18 Puzzle Page 19 Social Media Highlights

23 Motivate...eh...

24 SPORTS: Benji Marshall 25 Quit Your Day Job 26 Web Reviews 28 Glorified Gatsby 30 The Great Pie Quest 32 REVIEWS

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debate is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA)

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SGMposter2013Revised2.pdf

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SPORT DEVELOPMENT SPORT DEVELOPMENT & ATHLETE & ATHLETESUPPORT SUPPORT

Are you an athlete? Want to get into sport at uni?

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with external sporting agencies, and related conflicts with representative sport� In addition, Athlete Support helps support with extensions and exam to channel studentwith athletes through to related conflicts representative

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Engaging the AUT community through sport

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by Nigel Moffiet Dear evolving readers – hello!

Did you see that weird "Frankenburger" in the news last week? Dutch scientists recently sizzled-up the world’s first lab-made beef delicacy in London and it looked…er, yum!?

It made its premier on TV in what seemed to be a staged cooking segment. A scientist plopped it out from its Petri dish and into a frying pan with a good dollop of oil. The chef who was in charge of cooking the thing must have had his balls on the line because we’re told this beef patty cost $425,000 to cultivate – when it was finally cooked I thought ‘ooh, it looks a little over-done’.

It was presented with two burger buns, tomatoes and lettuce but the panel of ‘professional’ food tasters sampled just the patty. Now, what business do these refined culinary snobs have in sampling a beef patty? That’s not their domain. It should have been sampled by a student. Or a Hamilton truck driver. But any way, the ‘expert opinion’ was that it tasted “close to meat”. Another taster added: "The absence is the fat. There's a leanness to it. But the bite feels like a conventional hamburger." So where was the tomato sauce?

Dutch Professor Mark Post, the brains behind the patty, says this is a scientific breakthrough that will tackle the core problems facing our world: hunger, starvation, and environmental degradation.

“People might think this is a crazy way to produce meat. But it’s inevitable. Because the way we produce meat right now from livestock is not sustainable. It is not good for the environment, it is not good for animals,” Prof Mark Post said in a BBC interview.

This also comes after an earlier United Nations report this year which said humans should incorporate more bugs into their diets as a way of reducing world hunger, food shortages and instability.

The report suggested edible insects like beetles, wasps, caterpillars, grasshoppers, worms, and cicadas are high in nutritional value and would be good snacks to consider.

I think they would also make good side dishes or crispy seasoning. Or perhaps a healthier alternative for salted peanuts.

All of these new concepts highlight the fact that humans need to change and adapt because our environment is also changing– our natural environment as well as our man made environment. How alarming is this thought: that our own technology might be changing our biological makeup.

Some experts suggest our pharmaceuticallyenhanced, technology driven modern world is reshaping us, and not so much for the better. In an opinion piece for the Mail Online Professor Susan Greenfield provokes what seems to be sci-fi dystopia with the added horror that it might be all too real:

“Unless we wake up to the damage that the gadget-filled, pharmaceutically-enhanced 21st century is doing to our brains, we could be sleepwalking towards a future in which neuro-chip technology blurs the line between living and non-living machines, and between our bodies and the outside world.”

In another story, Pittsburgh visual artist Nicolay Lamm collaborated with Dr. Alan Kwan, an American computational geneticist, to illustrate what humans might look like 100,000 years from now. Again, it’s predicted technology will change us, our environment will be darker as we move away from earth to darker regions of the solar system and our brains will grow larger. Our facial features will change. Basically, we will look like aliens.

Is this a time to get back to the basics?

Should our lives be more simple? Should we all be growing vegetables in a little patch at home? Should we all be learning to cook basic food? Should we be taking a break from technology when we can? Heck, I even saw an old lady on TV once who would dry her used teabags on the clothing line, ready for the next cuppa. On to it!

Nigel

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Artist of the week:

HALLY SCOBBIE Hally Scobbie is currently in the middle of a postgraduate Art & Design (Graphic) Honours degree. Her research project is based around exploring the creative tensions between humour and the macabre in relation to Edgar Allan Poe's 1845 short story, The Masque of the Red Death. The intended end result is an adult orientated picture book. Below is a brief summary of The Masque of the Red Death.

Prince Prospero seals himself and a thousand of his friends into the abbey of a castle in order to protect them from a deadly pestilence—The Red Death— that is ravaging the country. But when the group indulge in a lavish costume ball in order to distract themselves from the suffering and death outside their walls, the Red Death, disguised as a costumed guest, enters and claims the lives of everyone present.

Currently Hally’s synopsis of Poe’s story involves a group of dedicated theatre-goers who attend a performance of Poe’s Masque of the Red Death.

As the performance progresses an infection of Poe’s work seeps out into the audience, so when the actors populating the staged story die, so too do those in attendance.

You can check out more of Hally’s art at theinkedskull.deviantart.com

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AUCKLAND STREET STYLE

by Nathalie Owen This week on the stylish streets of Auckland, colour ruled the pavement! Style goers beat the winter blues by adding a splash of colour to their winter wardrobes; be it with a pair of retro patterned pants, classic winter coat or a pop of colour with a bright mini.

So get inspired by these five fabulous individuals and add a dash of colour to your pallet this season!

INDI Blouse by Topshop Sunglasses Sass & Bide Dress by Zara Boots by Wildpair and Deadly Ponies bag.

WILLIAM Jacket by Huffer, Vintage shirt, Levis jeans, Shoes by Gram and Hallensteins bag.

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LILLY

Topshop blouse and pants, Vintage jumper, Cambridge Satchel Company bag, Doc Martens boots, Rings by Karen Walker.

ASH

Jacket from Japan, Vintage cardigan and dress, Doc Martens boots Vintage necklace.

JOSH

I Love Ugly jacket and pants, Moreporks hat, Paul Smith shoes and ASOS bag. www.ausm.org.nz

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START THE ADVENTURE followUs.pdf

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Wondering which way to go?

You’re going to have a blast at uni – but the rest of your life is just around the corner, and that’s when things really get exciting.

But to live all your dreams you will need a career – whatever that may be. University Career Services can help you figure that out.

We offer support and advice to help students identify clear career and life goals. Our specialists provide a range of career-related services so that you can make informed choices about your education and career direction.

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KEEP UP WITH WHAT’S GOING DOWN Email: career@aut.ac.nz www.careerhub.aut.ac.nz www.aut.ac.nz/careerservices

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by Ramina Rai After graduating from my Graphic Design degree last year, I am now full to the brim of immense wisdom, intelligence and supreme knowledge – which is what is expected of an arts degree. I’ve decided to pass down some of the gems I have learnt from my time at uni to the next generation of artists and designers, in hopes that my profound ideologies will inspire and eventually bring world peace.

Buy better art products

Throughout the start of my Graphic Design degree, I thought I was the modern day Aladdin for getting such great deals and discounts at my local art suppliers. Not because I used a five-finger discount, but because I’d basically always buy whatever was the cheapest option therefore making me a smart shopper – right? I was horrendously wrong. It definitely always pays off to buy the elite brands. I know it makes your stomach ache just thinking about the price difference, but if you are serious about your art and want to make it look the very best it can, it’s gonna be well worth it. Art products tend to last for a long time as well, so investing in good quality products is the right choice.

Keep a journal, blog, tumblr, behance, anything

I’m sure your tutors have attempted to drill this in to your brain, and I’m gonna have to back them up on this, which hopefully inspires you to do it seeing as my opinion is more important than theirs. In this day and age it’s pretty vital to have a website where people can find and view your work. It’s a great way to show off your stuff and attract new people/fans – it’s crazy how many people can stumble across your art just from it being online. Having a website that you’ve kept up to date throughout the year is also really handy for the end of year exhibition, then it won’t take hours to scramble all your work together. As well as having your work stashed online, it’s also a very wise idea to keep a physical portfolio that’s ready to be flung at your potential employers face should they ask to view it.

Look after your workspace/studio/creative cave

This concept is nothing new but it’s so important, I’d feel a little bit embarrassed if I left it out. Keep your supplies organized and easy to access – it just makes getting stuff done so much easier. Surround your space with things that inspire you – art, posters, books, coffee, Ryan Gosling, music, good lighting etc. The area you choose to make your art in plays such a big part in your creativity and it deserves to be cared for and made beautiful. Unless of course mess and untidiness is what gets you in the zone, in which case you should probably just take a wee all over your desk every time you go to create.

Playlists are a good time

I’m gonna estimate that at least 97% of artists are inspired by music, and a good tune will get their creative juices flowing all over themselves. That’s why you should take some time creating some solid playlists to make some good vibes as you design. You should probably make a playlist specifically for all-nighters because it’s quite likely you’ll need to crank that a couple of times throughout your degree. If you really can’t be bothered compiling a playlist, perhaps you should hit up Spotify or www.8tracks.com, both of which stream some great playlists for free.

Support your fellow artsy friends

Even though student life severely decreases your desire to fork out money for anything at all, I’d still go to the effort of suggesting you purchase some art/books/prints and other things of that nature. One of my favourite sites to buy from is www.society6.com, where artists can upload their work, and then you can buy the art as a canvas, print, iphone case, laptop cover, cushion, bag, or t-shirt! The quality of their products is excellent - I’m especially a big fan of their iphone cases – guaranteed to elevate your hipster status to the next level. The pricing is actually very decent considering these are really talented artists selling high quality products.

It’s also nice to be supportive of your fellow artists and send some coins their way for the hard work & talent, cos if you’re a creative cat yourself, you will know that a lot of new artists don’t even get much recognition, let alone any good dollah billz. So not only will you get some cool new art, but you’ll be helping another artist, which makes you that tiny bit closer to getting into Heaven. Sounds like a good deal to me. Every few weeks they offer free shipping as well, so definitely keep your eyes peeled for that.

Make.

Stop procrastinating and just make some damn art! Although it is impressive if you genuinely do spend the suggested amount of hours on your project, it’s also wise to make some art that isn’t uni related.

If someone had told me that in my second year of uni, I would’ve already decided to never speak to that person again - who in their right mind would want to spend their spare time on personal projects as well as managing the uni workload?? Craziness, I know. But it is a good idea, because when you go out into the big bad world, employers are going to like seeing the art you produce in your spare time. You want to have a vast portfolio that shows what you do with briefs but also have some pieces that you’ve made out of your own passions.

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Photo images by Shervin Lainez

THE ANTLERS

by Matthew Cattin

In the dying moments of Epilogue – the final track on The Antler’s 2009 album Hospice – I always feel a surreal mix of relief and peace, like the end of a journey. A concept album, Hospice tells the story of a doctor who falls in love with a female cancer patient and the abusive relationship that follows. It’s maybe not the type of album to whip out at Christmas parties but since first giving it a spin, it’s never left the back of my mind. Critics applauded its haunting realism and catchy hooks, its ability to shake listeners to the core. This is a band at the pinnacle of their art form.

able, estranged, and embarrassed. But I did it because nobody could sing those songs for me. But once we started playing so many shows, I got to know my own voice much better. Now I'm actually really stoked about singing and am discovering so many great vocalists,” he says.

“I'm not really sure why I sing in that range, though. Maybe that's just how I think of my range of emotions, kind of like how we raise our voices when we're angry and whisper when we're fearful or confused.

That range ends up in our songs, and it helps me be more even-keeled in person.”

The Antlers took its first steps as a solo project by vocalist and guitarist Peter Silberman but after releasing two albums on his own – Uprooted and In the Attic of the Universe – drummer Michael Lerner and multi-instrumentalist Darby Cicci joined the band to create Hospice.

The Brooklyn trio have since released the critically-acclaimed LP Burst Apart, and two EPs, Undersea and (Together). Peter Silberman kindly answered a few of my fanboy questions about influences, writing tragic music and the effects of piracy.

I mentioned to Peter the effect Hospice has had upon me and everybody I’ve recommended it to and asked how he felt about releasing such a personal, heart-breaking record. “That's always surprised me, but I get it,” he says. “I felt that way about it when I was making it. I was going through some pretty definitive turns in my life at the time and felt intensely connected to the process of making sense of it all through writing. When someone makes me aware of their connection to the record, it catches me off-guard in a way that might be similar to what they’re feeling - it's disarming and overwhelming to feel like a stranger knows something so personal about the way your mind works and your heart feels and your life changes.”

If you’ve not heard The Antlers before, you’re in for a real treat; Silberman’s vocals are beautifully transcendent, often floating into a Jeff Buckley reminiscent falsetto. It therefore surprised me to hear that he’s faced vocal insecurities since he started singing his own songs ten years ago. “I do the best I can, but my voice definitely betrays me and runs wild, tripping over itself,” he says. “But I don't know if I ever ‘discovered’ my own voice. I started to think it might be unusual when other people began to compliment it, but I didn't believe the praise. It's just something that's always been with me but changed immeasurably over time. I'm happier with it than I used to be. I think I'm becoming a better singer through years of repetition.” Trust me Peter – you’re next level.

“I hadn't thought of myself as a singer on Hospice, more like a narrator who happened to be singing. Back then, I felt about my voice the way a lot of us feel about hearing ourselves talk on a recording - uncomfort-

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The Antlers generate consistently breath-taking music but Silberman’s lyrics always verge on the darker sides of humanity. I asked if he believed the artistic stereotype to be true – that true art is born of angst and drug use. “Fuck no,” he says. “Those things can inform what you do but you shouldn't depend on them if you can help it. What happens if you sober up or begin to appreciate the beauty of your life?

You shouldn't hold your well-being hostage to write a song or paint or whatever it is you do. If creation helps you free yourself, use the feeling and do your best to understand it, and then try to move on. Depression can inspire art, but it's that same state of mind that can keep you from believing in the worth of anything you do. Drugs can help you explore, but they can't do the heavy lifting for you and they will stop working for you the moment you need them the most.”

“When I was writing those Burst Apart lyrics, I was really down on love because I could only focus on the things that disguised themselves as ‘love’ but weren't even close. I Don't Want Love was originally in my head as ‘That's Not Love’, which is, in a way, more what Burst Apart is about- we're often our own biggest obstacles to finding and appreciating love when we've got it. Love isn't love until it's reciprocal in the way we treat each other. But to wrap my head around this stuff, I felt like I had to put myself into it. It's easier to declare some definition of love or not-love as a thesis statement, but it's more challenging and important to recognize that your own understanding of it is kind of fucked up and backwards.”

Album art for 2009 'Hopsice' by The Antlers.

Songs about heartbreak have become such a cliché that ‘sad’ lyrics barely register with me anymore. With The Antlers, it’s a whole new ball game – to the point where I recommend tissues to first-time listeners. Peter says he writes constantly and tries to make his environment attuned to that need. “Most of my lyrics are a semi-fictionalization of my experiences, and I rarely know if they're transparent to the people that inspire them. I tend to use a lot of specific references that maybe only me and the inspirer would pick up on, which helps me trigger specific feelings in myself. And a lot of my lyrics are conversational, so sometimes they're my way of communicating with someone I care about when I don't know the right way to articulate it in person.

I asked Peter which albums had dramatically changed the way he viewed music and what he thought of musical piracy – his answers definitely won me over. “Most of my favourite records have done that, and I'm always looking to challenge what I think I know about music. Talk Talk's Laughing Stock and Spirit of Eden taught me the importance of space.

Highway 61 Revisited continues to teach me abstract narration. Kid A reminds me to call everything into question and avoid comfort zones.

The Soft Bulletin has revealed itself to be incredibly meaningful to me at wildly different times in my life. Those are just a few of the big ones for me that have stood the test of time, but throughout my life, I've found inspiration in unexpected places,” he says. “I think it's inherently more important for people to hear music than buy it and I hate the idea that anybody would be priced-out of that experience. But it’s not that simple.

There are so many of us depending on record sales to keep doing what we do. The idealist in me wants a total overhaul- for everyone to embrace the suddenly infinite shareable library of music on this planet and find a new way to fairly compensate the people contributing to it.”

Yet to visit our fine shores, I asked Peter whether we were on their tour radar. He said he would love to come here at some point as the country looks beautiful from afar, but has no immediate plans. Bummer. For now though, it’s back to work on the next album. “We're working on something new now, but we'll be working on it awhile longer and I don't think it'll come out for a bit. We're taking time to really ‘be’ in our lives and explore them, while we've got time off touring. We're taking everything in.”

Nifty NEWS

Student By Day, Roller Derby Star By Night Ellen Mackenzie, 19, of Grey Lyn is a member of the Auckland Roller Derby League that was first established in 2011 by a group of roller derby players. The sport is relatively unknown in New Zealand but has become popular after the film Whip It was released in 2009.

“Ever since that film, the number of people taking up the sport has risen. After I watched it I just thought it was really cool and it looked like a sport that was different. My friend invited me to a training and I found it was the sport that was for me,” Miss Mackenzie says.

Miss Mackenzie is in her first year of university but says she takes the sport very seriously.

“We wanto play on a very competitive level against Australian teams and hopefully American teams. We just need to have enough funds to play and work hard to be better.

“It can be difficult to juggle with assignments due and sometimes I have to miss a few trainings but people understand.”

The sport is a non-profit organization so players fundraise and use their own money for travel and gear.

Miss Mackenzie says that many of the players come from all walks of life so anyone can join and play.

By Shilo Kino By day, she studies Graphic Design full time at AUT University. At night, she trades in her books for a helmet and roller skates four nights a week to take her place as the ‘jammer’ in her roller derby team.

“You start off as a rookie and learn to be comfortable in the pack and then you’re integrated into team trainings. We teach you how to skate. You just need dedication and time to learn everything. It’s okay to be aggressive in the sport but its not a defining characteristic of our team.”

John Key Kidding About GCSB Scandal

By Kieran Bennett In light of recent opposition to the controversial GCSB bill, Prime Minister John Key has admitted he was “kidding about the whole thing”. The bill, which would give the Government Communications Security Bureau the power to spy without a warrant on any New Zealander, was revealed to in fact be a large-scale government prank.

Sighs of relief and wry chuckles could be heard throughout the country following the announcement.

On May 23 2013 the National Government announced that they would be pushing the GCSB bill through parliament, increasing the agency’s range of surveillance powers. The powers of the GCSB would extend from phone tapping all the way to rifling through Mitre 10 sale flyers, a practice which Mr Key said amused him greatly. Opposers of the bill were vocal in their protest; opposition leader David Shearer however was simply a bumbling doofus. Many real politicians ignored Mr Shearer and said that the bill was “really uncool” and that it was against everything New Zealand stood for.

Green Party leader Russell Norman said to our reporters “the GCSB bill flies in the face of our number 8 fencing wire attitude and is a total insult to our clean, green image; the goodnight Kiwi would be appalled. Milo. Edmonds. Kakapo. Sheep and dairy”. When questioned further Mr Norman simply said “Marmite is the tits” and considered the matter closed before scrawling ‘New Zealand rox, Aus sux’ on the side of a building.

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Now however, many protester are feeling “really silly” after Mr Keys revelation that the entire bill was nothing more than the National Party’s annual prank. Speaking to the nations gathered press Mr Key paused dramatically, smiled, and then yelled “gotcha” before bursting into laughter. He went on to explain that the drafting, discussion and even defence of the GCSB bill was nothing more than “a harmless joke” and that the bill would be dropped immediately.

The bills opposers were found outside the press gallery shaking their heads and chuckling lightly, many not surprised that a “stand up kiwi bloke” like Mr Key would play such a hilarious prank. Political Professor Carl Nicholson commented that such a hilarious and easily forgivable move was typical of Mr Key’s “loose cannon, devilmay-care style”; not seen since the “giggle inducing days of Rupert Murdoch”.

After the press conference Mr Key assured New Zealand that he would no longer play such “gut-busting” pranks. However when asked if the Fonterra milk scare was his doing, Mr Key tapped his nose, winked, clicked his heels together and vanished in a puff of smoke cackling madly.

Mr Normans public graffiti case will be heard on Monday.

How Far Would You go To Be The Best?

by Chantel Strydom Imagine this; you are training to go to the 2016 Olympics in Brazil.

You’ve been in training your whole life. You’ve dieted, starved and bled to become the best. But then your coach hands you bag of pills and tells you they will make you even better; they will make you win the gold. Do you take the pills or give them back? How far will you go to be the best?

Surprisingly, a lot of world class athletes disregard good sportsmanship and take the bag. The use of performance-enhancing drugs by professional athletes, or "doping", has been acknowledged as a problem since at least the 1960s and has become somewhat of a mainstream activity since then. If you don’t take performance enhancing drugs or PEDs then you are the odd one out; the freak. But people don’t realize that taking performance enhancing drugs shortens your life and sets you up for risks in the future. Infertility, premature balding, shrunken testicles, increased body hair in females and the big one, death. Surely that would be enough to keep athletes away from PEDs right? Unfortunately, in this day and age this is not the case.

You would think the rising number of drugs being used by young athletes and teenagers would be cause enough for some to wake up and smell the roses. It’s not.

The most common PEDs on the market right now are Anabolic steroids, Androstenedione, Stimulants, Diuretics, Creatine - a lot of big words, I know. But essentially they all do the same thing; they change your body, bulk up what doesn’t need bulking, tone down what doesn’t need toning and athletes are taking them willingly in a bid to be best. That is what concerns health professionals, the fact that young people are being influenced by the ‘miracle’ drug that can get them that gold. A prime example of this is the Tour de France and the Lance Armstrong debacle. There have been allegations of doping in the Tour de France since the race began in 1903. "It existed, it has always existed", said the French reporter and author, Pierre Chany who followed 49 Tours before his death in 1996.

The most common act of doping must have been the Festina affair.

The Festina affair refers to the events that surrounded several dop-

ing scandals, doping investigations and confessions by riders that occurred during and after the 1998 Tour de France. The affair began when a large quantity of doping products were found in a car belonging to the Festina cycling team just before the start of the race. Now we get to the meat of the doping scandal. Lance Armstrong has been in the Tour de France race for years – the biggest name in the cycling world. But, for much of the second phase of his career Armstrong faced allegations of doping, and it wasn’t until 2012 that an investigation was officially launched. The investigation eventually leaked that Armstrong had been using PED’s for most of his career and winning races. That just goes to show that no matter what status you are, or how good you are, you are still susceptible to the famous ‘golden’ drug. Armstrong however was not alone in his drug use and even now does not feel he cheated – the reason being he was merely levelling the playing field in a race rife with drug-enhanced athletes.

Take a popular sport, let’s say gymnastics. Female gymnasts have to be the most hard working sports women in the world. They rely on physical strength, flexibility, power, agility, coordination, and balance. The amount of strain and torture they endure with their bodies is unreal and certainly not healthy. In gymnastics being light and strong are the most important things and the sheer physical training they go through to get there borders on self-torture. One article states that gymnasts are at higher risk of eating disorders - a statement proven by retired American elite gymnast Kristie Phillips who developed bulimia as a child to remain in competitive gymnastics, starving herself to the point where she fell in a training session and injured herself. Some even postpone puberty in order to stay light enough to keep competing. Jennifer Sey, another famous gymnast wrote in her memoir that she was so addicted to laxatives that she once soiled herself in public. And the physical brutalities of her training and injuries left her years later with premature arthritis and permanently bruised feet amongst other physical problems.

So I ask again, how far would you go to be the best? Will you starve yourself until you pass out, or worse, die? Will you take a drug that can bulk you up enough to run faster or throw further? Will you die young because you wanted to be the best?

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15

lovenotes & hatemail Hi Matthew, I’ve been a student at AUT for 4 years now and while I thought Debate was pretty good before, under your management I now rate it as excellent.

I really enjoy that you often have articles on topical issues, especially ones for students and then you have another level of articles about what’s interesting but perhaps not well known i.e. your article this week on Werner Herzog.

I became a fan when you spoofed the All Blacks in one of your very first articles and when my rugby playing son also cracked up, I knew you were awesome. I so enjoy your humour and intelligent take on things and this leads me to often laugh out loud.

I’ve never bothered to put pen to paper before but am tired of picking up a debate, enjoying it so much I think I must let you know, and then forget to do anything about it.

On another note, my 3 kids are all at Uni of Auck, dunno why, however we all agree Craccum is a dismal failure- just because you put f…k into every story does not make it cool or interesting.

I personally think it shows their immaturity and the more intelligent students as well as those new to student life at Auck uni are not well served by it.

Keep up the good work A big fan Cheers Sharon

Updates

CAPTION CONTEST

Here to help The AuSM Advocacy service can help you with any troubles that you encounter during your time at AUT. Visit our Advocacy page on www.ausm.org.nz

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AuSM Connect Have you downloaded AuSM Connect yet? Get yourself an online diary to keep you updated with all your work and AuSM events! It’s available on APP store and Google Play.

AuSM Pool Competition Register now for the AuSM Pool competition kicking off in 14 August at Vesbar. There will be weekly heats every Wednesday from 12pm-1pm and finals on 4th September with prizes up for grabs! Register your interest with kyle.richmond@aut.ac.nz Blood Donation 1 donation can save up to 3 lives! Join us this Tuesday and Wednesday, 13 & 14 August Location: Conference Rooms WA 224 A & B Time: 10am – 4pm Visit www.nzblood.co.nz for more info.

Marae Feeds Come along to the Kaipara Marae on Wellesley Campus on Thursday between 12-2pm for a $2 feed! Brought to you by AuSM. 16

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Name: Email: Campus: Drop your entry into your nearest AuSM office, or the box on the side of the red debate stands, or email debate before 12pm Thursday. What’s up for grabs?

Two “squawk burgers” vouchers for Velvet Burger on Fort St, Auckland CBD. Issue 15 Congratulations to...

Connor McLay City Campus who scored two Squawk Burger vouchers!

It's Friday, I'm Outta Here!

CONGRATULATIONS NEW GRADUATES!

Congratulations to all our new AUT graduates on your outstanding achievement. Best wishes for your future ahead. You are awesome!

Kia kaha, kia maia, kia manawanui!

AuSM President

Kizito Essuman

GISBORNE'S GOT IT GOING ON

By Mike Ross I usually supply a few poorly written paragraphs about Auckland's nightlife for this section but this week shit is a little bit different.

programmers? Who is 'Harry Milne', and why does he have 162 likes for his simple yet straight to the point message of "pooz"?

It's 9pm on a Wednesday night. I've just returned home from the Rhythm and Vines lineup announcement party, opened my laptop, and hit that little blue-and-white 'F' on my bookmarks bar.

The questions kept coming, and I've still not found any answers.

But for god’s sake New Zealand, these artists were not picked for our flagship festival because they are "shit-ass no-names" (thanks Darren Pearce for your comment's literary genius). YouTube was invented for a reason - use it. You might be pleasantly surprised to find that there are in fact many, many quality artists out there that are spared the crucifixion of high-rotation on The Edge. And you might also find, that just some of them happen to be playing here at New Years.

Now, before this point in time, I'd been pretty confident that most others would be as pleasantly surprised as I was with our biggest New Year’s music festival's lineup. Disregard the obvious local acts (oooh P-Money! Didn't see that one coming), and you're left with a pretty well rounded group of internationals.

Upon loading up my news feed however, it became clear that many did not share my optimism. The complaints happen every year, but for some reason this time I thought things might be different.

Turns out, I thought wrong. Status after status, comment after comment, was ripping the freshly released lineup to shreds. I became confused.

Who could possibly say that seeing Chet Faker belt out his sultry chords across the Waiohika estate wouldn't be magical, I reasoned? Or that Rustie, smashing out a live set of bangers at the Cellar Stage, wouldn't be a good time for all involved? What was the meaning of these viscous comments towards the festival's

The whole point of Rhythm & Vines has always been to push a "progressive musical agenda". You know what that translates to in layman's terms? "You might not know the names of some of these acts now, but goddamnit they'll be tearing shit up in a few months’ time". So get educated NZ, realise how lucky you are that R&V has managed to book some of these artists and coerce them into playing at one of the most isolated music festivals in the world, and buy those tickets that you dang well know you'll be forking out for in mid-November anyway when everyone last-minute decides they're keen.

GIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZYYYYYYYYYYYY. www.ausm.org.nz

17

WORD J UMBLER

AT R L S How many words of three letters or more can you find without cheating? Probably not that many‌

BRAIN TEASERS 1. What is special about the following sequence of numbers? 8 5 4 9 1 7 6 10 3 2 0 2. If you had a ton of feathers and a ton of stones which would be heavier?

6-12 Go back to school 13-20 Average Joe 21+ You did good kid.

YOU JUST ME

1.

4.

D

EMOCLEW YYY MEN

5.

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BBBB AAAA RRRR GGGG

DINGBATS ANSWERS: 1.Just between you and me.

2.Growing Old. 3.Welcome Back. 4.

Three Wise Men. 5. Up for Grabs.

3.

O

BRAIN TEASERS ANSWERS: 1. They are in alphabetical order. 2. Neither, they both weigh a ton.

2.

#social #media #highlights

by Matthew Cattin

The Dowager Countess @theLadyGrantham

America: The Empire gave you tea, civilisation and the

English language - and you responded with #Sharknado.

B.J Novak@bjnovak

I'm afraid that now when we have a real sharknado

everyone's going to treat it like a joke

BenjySarlin@BenjiSarlin I hate all these bandwagon fans watching #Sharknado on TV who didn't read all the books first

In disgusting news, a “fatberg” was discovered lurking in the sewers of London – the biggest ever recorded in all of Britain. Essentially a 15-tonne blob of baby wipes and congealed fat blocking the sewer, the fatberg was discovered when nearby residents’ toilets started to bubble. Naturally, a social media storm ensued with a London Fatberg Twitter account activated within hours.

Lndon Fatberg @FATBERG_LDN16h In a way I'm glad they found me. It was getting awfully lonely down there. #London #fatberg

Some Londoners expressed pride at the fatberg, even going as far as to suggest it for mayor.

Frank Swain@SciencePunk12h

A true Londoner! Born in London, raised in

London, excreted in London! #fatbergformayor

While others foresaw all too clearly the fated nickname of bullied youths.

Brandon Winchester@BrandonWinchester23h Predicting that #fatberg will become new top play ground insult

The Rhythm and Vines lineup was as underwhelming as ever, causing mixed reactions from the regular punters. Some were ecstatic.

Emily Steele- Way@Emilyc852618h @EmpireOfTheSun IS GONNA BE AT #RhythmandVines THIS YEAR!!! I MUST BE THERE!!!!!!! <3 <3 *starts crying again*

Andrew Voerman@andervowerman3h Empire of the Sun? Really? Is it 2006 and nobody told me? #rnv

M O Z Z I E G I R L @MOZZIESS3 @RHYTHMANDVINES Looking foward for this mate. See you's there! #RnV #eXCITED #YOLO #PartyHard Meanwhile ecstasy suppliers around the country are nervously awaiting a stronger second round of announcements. #shelving In movie news, Sharknado, an epic film about a tornado full of sharks, is continuing to dominate the social media world. While mega budget blockbusters are floundering like fish out of water, it seems the creators of Sharknado have come up with a sure-fire recipe for cinema success. Take a fearsome predator, mix it up with a natural disaster, and watch the mother-flippin’ world burn.

Piers Beckley@piersb4h I just applauded. I am alone in the living room. #sharknado

And finally, Beyonce confirmed a fourth show in New Zealand after selling out the first three. Matt Gibb saw the writing on the wall…

Matt Gibb @Matt_Gibb4h BREAKING! Beyonce decides to just move to NZ and take up a nightly residency at Chapel Bar.

While others were haunted by first world problems.

Tom_James@tom_james_nz5h

Girls behind me on bus complaining that their boy

friends don't buy them as many presents anymore and

debating whether to go to Beyonce twice And some just wanted to sell her our country – reckon she’d like Te Wai Pounamu or Te Ika-a-Māui?

Bad Gal Davvvy@DavinaStonex6h Let's just hope Beyoncé spends it big in NZ to boost our economy. Buy an island or something lol

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19

THE RAT PACK

by Erica McQueen Ratsmagic are more than just a four piece band - they’re a bunch of super talented, technically skilful musicians. They’ve been together less than eighteen months, but have accomplished a tonne in that time. Their sound is an eclectic mix of rock, blues and funk. After six months of jamming together, Ratsmagic took out the National Battle of the Bands competition last September. I caught up with two of the crew – Meghan Glue and Kriston Batistić.

Meghan and Kriston met in Wellington, moved up to Auckland to study at MAINZ and decided to audition a bassist and drummer through MAINZ and Facebook. Michael Murray and Olly Robinson joined the band (bass/vocals and drums/percussion respectively) and filled out the lineup. Meghan is a talented violinist and also plays mandolin and tambourine, adding a beautiful dimension to a number of their songs.

As for the name, Ratsmagic I’m told it has no meaning. The name of an old children’s book, Kriston thought it sounded cool so they ran with it. He loves Jack White as a musician and draws a lot of inspiration from blues and rock ‘n’ roll. Megan is more folk orientated (she used to run the Bunker Hill Folk Review at the Devonport Folk Club) but has found time spent with the band has developed her music taste.

I first saw Ratsmagic perform in Hamilton last year, at the end of NZ music month. They played alongside The Leers, Sleeptalkers and BANGLADE$H who they often still gig with. They’ve since released

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their EP back in February and in my humble opinion, it’s definitely worth treating your ears to the free download from bandcamp - if you like something different you’ll love Ratsmagic.

The band have very much worked from the ground up to get things going, putting in a lot of hard work. Advice to those starting out?

“Keep doing it. You will write some good, some bad. It’s like anything; if you love it and you are serious about it, you will stick with it.”

I love a few random questions – so here’s a bit of what I learnt about Ratsmagic. Kriston can never leave home without his keys and if he were a crayon he’d be red “because there is nothing like a good glass of red”. Meghan would like to covered in feathers so she could fly and once dressed up as a Mexican for a gig. Rumour has it Kriston is ¾ Korean and is distantly related to PSY (here’s hoping for some k-pop covers!). Apparently jazz hands trump first pumps and high fives and it’s silly but they love “the QF Tavern at three in the morning, singing karaoke”. I asked them to describe their sound in three words; “funky chicken dance” they tell me – unsurprising then that Meghan’s favourite smell is butter chicken. If Meghan wasn’t playing music she’d be studying full time (which she’s since started doing here at AUT).

Be sure to keep an eye out for these up and comers! And be sure to take their words of wisdom to heart “Don’t run before you can walk.

You will fall on your face and it will be embarrassing.”

After a semester of blissful ignorance, I thought it’d be a good time to ask you, the students, for a bit of feedback on debate magazine. Love it or loathe it, I want to know exactly how you feel. Answer the questions below, tear out the page and pop it into any of the debate drop boxes (you know, the little pouches on the side of the red debate stands) – this is your chance to speak up.

All entries will be into win a double pass to Event Cinemas or Velvet Burger Vouchers!

Email:

?

Finish this sentence – I pick up debate primarily to…

?

A) Read in lectures and/or procrastinate.

C) Three pages.

C) Use as firewood.

? ?

A) One page.

B) Two pages.

B) Find out what’s going on at AUT and/or around town.

D) Other:

How long is too long for a feature article?

D) I hate feature articles.

?

What would you like to see more of in debate?

?

What would you like to see less of in debate?

Where do you usually pick up your copy of debate magazine?

How often do your read debate?

A) Every week – Monday morning always excites me.

B) Every few weeks.

C) Occasionally – if I find one lying around.

D) Never.

?

?

Would you like to see themed issues of debate?

If so, what themes?

What is the first thing you read when you open up debate?

A) Nifty News.

B) Reviews.

C) Editorial.

D) Prez Sez/AuSM Updates.

E) Artist of the Week.

?

Which of the following sentences describes your relationship with debate?

F) Memorandum/Auckland’s Got it Going on.

A) “I love you debate – we’re meant to be together.”

G) Other:

B) “I think you’re a great magazine and all but… I want more from you.”

C) “It’s not you, it’s me. You just don’t give me what I

?

need from a magazine.”

What is your least favourite thing in debate?

D) “I would only come on to you if I was drunk.”

A) Nifty News.

E) “I’m seeing somebody else… I’m sorry… Craccum is

B) Reviews.

twice the magazine you’ll ever be.”

C) Editorial.

D) Prez Sez/AuSM Updates.

E) Artist of the Week.

?

Any further comments???

F) Memorandum/Auckland’s Got it Going on.

G) Other:

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21

Easy as pie FROM A STREET CORNER

(except healthier than pie)

by India Hendrikse

By Thomas Thexton When I first started to brainstorm ideas for my very first journalistic article, well ever, I had fantasies of writing something debate had never seen before. ‘First- year Comm’s Student Discovers Spelling Mistake in Bible’, or something along these groundbreaking lines.

However I have quickly come to realise that having attended one AUT journalism lecture has not suddenly transformed me into Lois Lane and I’m not quite ready to set the world alight with shocking, witty, funny and seamlessly crafted columns that I hope to be able to write in my many years to come at AUT. Nonetheless as my very first attempt at social commentary commences, and if you have made it this far, I strongly urge you to read on as the article hasn’t even started yet!

So to begin what I hope to be one of many future debate articles, I wish to simply tell a story. Having lived on the Gold Coast for over half my life, I found the move to NZ in 2011 to be a fantastic culture shock and as I replaced thongs for jandals I couldn’t help but notice a few major differences between the two super cities. Firstly, fifteenyear-old girls here actually look fifteen (most of the time), dairies are not places where cows are milked, and there are more homeless on Queen Street than penises on chat roulette. Which brings me to my story, (not the penises).

The other day as I waited for my girlfriend to finish her yoga class, I sat and watched a busker playing guitar - he was incredibly good and had I had any coins on me I would have given him some. Suddenly a drunken homeless man approached the busker and tried to sell him half a pizza for five bucks. Long story short, the drunken homeless man ended up stealing ten dollars out of his guitar case and running off. Now up until this point I had thought that there was some sort of homeless code, honour thy mother and father, shall not covet thy neighbour’s wife and thou homeless shall thou not steal from a brother? Do they not all go back to the same, uh, alleyway at night to ramble on about the day’s proceedings? Basically I thought that unlike Mr Hood, this was simply the poor stealing from the poorer and was against the homeless code. Perhaps there are homeless gangs? This could have been a major move by a big player in the homeless underground, front page of the Homeless Times; “Bob Steals from Jerry!” However, I seriously doubt it.

I think I probably just witnessed one hungry man stealing from another. The funny thing is, nobody made any move to deter or stop this event from unfolding. After all, it was still a crime. A man stole ten dollars from another man. I can assure you if this busker had been a business man or any other non-homeless person then this would have been a slightly bigger deal.

I guess at this point I’m meant to have made some sort of conclusion about life or something but in all honesty this was me simply venting my thoughts at 10:58pm on a Tuesday night. So there we go, my very first article. Nothing flashy but hey, Da Vinci was once a beginner once too.

P.S If you see a white Avanti road bike on the loose please alert AusM as I also saw this get stolen on the same corner. (A lot of stuff gets stolen on Queens Street!)

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So we’re a few weeks back into Uni now, and I’m sure many of you have experienced those annoying old sugar cravings start to hit as those assignments pile up! Well here’s something to curb the hunger and also prevent you from blowing too much cash on crunchie bars, cookies, and pringles. These are really quick to make, very good for you, and much more filling than a packaged bar of empty calories. While some of you may see these ingredients as expensive, in the long run it will actually save you a lot of money- If you buy the ingredients in bulk at your local Bin Inn or Pak’n Save, then you’ll save a lot. Be creative as well, I made this recipe up, so add your own ingredients and just blend whatever you think will go. Pop a few in your Uni lunch bag for a quick bite between classes!

Raw gooey energy balls (makes about 15 small energy bites) Ingredients: 1 cup of raw oats ¾ cup dried apricots ½ cup raw almonds ½ cup dates 1 banana 1 tablespoon coconut oil ½ cup water or coconut milk To dust: Cocoa powder, linseed, chia seeds or cinnamon Directions: All you have to do is blend all the ingredients together in a food processor, until you get a consistency thick enough to roll into balls (add more oats if too wet, add more water if too dry). Roll into bite sized balls, roll in the dusting of your choice, and there you have it! Easy as pie (except a lot healthier than pie).

Motivati... eh...

By Erica Donald

If I was more motivated, I'm sure I could be famous.

I could probably write a story which will be labelled as "The best thing since Harry Potter!" The only problem with that is I lack any motivation to actually think of ideas for a story. That stuff is hard... You have to consider characters, plot twists, funny one liners and a cheesy life lesson to be learnt by the audience through your characters, who ultimately learn and grow into themselves through a process of trials and tribulations in which they discover who they really are and what the most important things in life are to them.

Like I said, that stuff is hard. If, on the rare occasion, inspiration does strike then I immediately sit down and start writing. After a decent five minutes of writing I figure I've probably earned myelf a break and I'll go get myself a cup of chocolate milk. I don't quite know what happens after that. I probably get distracted by somehing shiny and forget about the story for a while. When I come back to it the story just doesn't seem as exciting and Harry Potter-esque anymore. So, I leave it.

I could also probably be the greatest athlete that ever lived. All it takes is a little hard work and training. Okay well maybe more than a little. Every so often I decide that I'm going to kick-start my fitness regime and get back into shape. I go for long runs, I do sit ups and push ups, crunches, burpees, star jumps and stretches. I lift some weights and I eat super healthy. This will last a day or two. Then it kinda fades away. There might be a moment a week or so later when I attempt to breathe new life back into it but it's no use because it's well and truly gone. So I give up and eat a donut. Or two. Possibly three... But always with a glass of nutritional milk. Okay fine it's chocolate milk again, whatever.

I feel like scientists should be working on the gene for motivation.

I'm sure there is one, and I'm sure I missed out on it. Maybe it skipped a generation or something. All I know is that I am physically unable to generate motivation for a large majority of the things I do.

Unless it's something I really care about, like my horse. I don't know why I haven't written more stories about my horse. My instagram is full of her, so why shouldn't Debate be too. Stay tuned, folks. You're in for a treat.

Anyway, motivation. It would be great if you could pop into a chemist or health store and buy a bottle of motivation. I would probably need double strength. But how great would that be! Exams coming up? Just pop a few pills in the stairwell and you're ready and rearing to go! You will be a study lord. Best of all, it would be legal.

Maybe I should try and get this idea going... Or maybe I could just stay home with my cats and my horse. See, right there. I need to find a way to get motivated.

Even this story... I got the idea for this sometime towards the end of semester one. I started writing in the first week of the holidays. Then I kinda just left it, despite Matthew's constant emails reminding me I had promised to write him a story a week (editorâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s note: Erica makes empty promises). And only now, back in semester two, have I come back to it.

I'll be surprised if even manage to finis

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23

Great Expectations:

Can Benji Marshall Handle the Shift to Rugby Union?

by Ben Hill Benji Marshall’s recent decision to leave the NRL and his beloved Wests Tigers for a shot at representing his country in rugby union has inevitably sent the media hype machine into a special kind of hysteria that usually accompanies such moves. Despite having not played the game since he was 16, the expectations for Marshall are to immediately start at first-five for the Blues - arguably the most crucial position on the field - for a team that plays in New Zealand’s biggest media market, where scrutiny will be extremely intense. Marshall is also expected to find a way to force a way in to the world’s best rugby team in time for the World Cup in two years. No pressure then Benji.

The Blues interest in Marshall stems from their inability since 2006 to find a suitable replacement for Carlos Spencer in the number 10 jersey. The pressure on Marshall to successfully emulate one of the team’s best ever players will be significant enough, but this is not the only expectation Marshall finds himself immediately saddled with.

Blues coach Sir John Kirwan has already predicted that Marshall will be playing for the All Blacks at the 2015 World Cup, and then in the Olympics as rugby sevens makes its first appearance as an event at Rio de Janeiro the following year. This will be no easy feat given the form of Marshall’s main competition for a spot in the national team, with Aaron Cruden coming off consecutive championship seasons with the Chiefs. Adding to the improbability of Kirwan’s vision is the fact that some guy called Dan Carter just happens to be hanging around and apparently he’s pretty fucking good as well. It is extremely premature to suggest that Marshall at this point in time will be a star in the All Blacks side that seeks to be the first team ever to successfully defend the Webb Ellis Cup. Setting the bar so high for Benji means that ultimately he is being set up to fail. Solid performances with the Blues will not be enough.

His own coach has said that he expects nothing less than Marshall to

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be on the sport’s biggest stage with the best team in the world in two years, and then to follow that up the next year with an appearance at the Olympics. League players who were supposed to take the world by storm have come and gone numerous times; Australian rugby has seen Wendell Sailor, Lote Tuqiri and Mat Rogers come across from the 13man code and perform well, but they never quite lived up to the hype.

Brad Thorn, former Premiership winner with the Brisbane Broncos, became one of the vital cogs in the All Blacks 2011 World Cup victory, but this was only after having first turned the black jersey down in 2001 when he felt he was not ready. It would not be until 2009 that Thorn truly established himself as an All Black lock. Marshall will not have the benefit of time. His impact is expected to be felt immediately.

If Marshall is to make an impact on our national game, it will probably have to be in sevens, where defence takes more of a backseat. His attacking prowess is exceptional but fragile shoulders meant he spent most of his time in league defending the sideline, away from the likes of frightening human beings like Fuifui Moimoi. There will be no hiding Marshall’s defensive shortcomings in rugby, as the Wallabies have discovered with Quade Cooper. Carter and Cruden are renowned for their defence, and the way the game has changed has meant that the days of having a first-five who has little interest in tackling a la Grant Fox or Andrew Mehrtens are long gone.

It will be interesting to see how Benji Marshall fares in rugby. Having achieved all he can in league, and being unwilling to play for a club besides the Tigers, it speaks volumes about the man when he decides to seek out a new challenge. Rather than having high expectations and setting near impossible standards, we as fans should appreciate Marshall’s talents. Right now he is an unknown quantity, and making outlandish predictions about Benji is akin to saying the Aotearoa Legalise Cannabis Party will win a majority in the election next year: it may be pretty mean/buzzy if it happens, but right now it is probably best to adopt a wait and see approach.

QUIT YOUR DAY JOB

by Matthew Cattin It’s a sad state of affairs when egoistic knobs, well past their prime, keep producing predictable garbage because they think they still have it. Take Morgan Freeman for example. Sure his voice is like chocolate honey trickling into my ears and what I am about to say may be controversial, but if I hear him narrate one more film I’m going to get aural diabetes. Here are my picks of the peeps that need to quit their day jobs, move to the country and settle down with a family away from the public eye.

Madonna

Just when you thought Madonna had retired or died, there she was in 2005 wearing a pink leotard, hanging out for the world to see, dancing like it was still the eighties. Is anybody okay with this? Good for her if she’s still comfortable with her sag handles but I don’t think flaunting it is quite necessary. Fast-forward to 2012; attention-starved Madonna flops down her top whilst performing, exposing what looked like a raisin glued to a wrinkled plum. Just stop. You’re 54, you’re not acting your age and your hair dye, makeup and wonder bra isn’t fooling anybody.

Tim Burton

He is a dark, comic, movie genius – I won’t deny it. He’s given us some classic films over the years, films that I really do love. But lately, I’m losing my patience with Burton’s filmmaking.

He’s become a cheap imitation of his former self. Oh look, Johnny Depp is playing a socially awkward pale character again. Oh and look! He’s acting alongside Helena Bonham-Carter!

Jesus what is so hard about giving Johnny Depp a tan? Of his last 10 films, Depp has played a pale creep in six of them. It’s like every film of his is a sequel to the last. Time to stop Tim – be happy with your achievements and stop tarnishing your legacy.

The entire cast of F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

The challenge – name anything good the friends accomplished after the Central Perk glory days. Go on. I dare you. Oh you can’t? Well neither. Jennifer Aniston slept with Brad Pitt, Courteney Cox starred as a cougar (well done), Lisa Kudrow did ummm…, Matt LeBlanc gave Joey the kiss of death in a god-awful spinoff, Matthew Perry checked into rehab and David Schwimmer voiced the giraffe in Madagascar. Talentless, typecast and just plain irritating, the world wouldn’t lose a great deal if the cast of friends handed in their badges and took a long holiday.

The world apparently disagrees, going nuts at every whispered rumour of a reunion. Get over it! They were never that good!

Ray Romano

Hate to say it Ray, but never in the history of the world has anybody ever loved Raymond. Yes, I am aware the title of your show explicitly states that everybody loves Raymond but I think they were just having a laugh at your expense. It is truly terrible. And sad to say it, but you did a better job playing a grumpy mammoth than you did playing yourself. Find another job, maybe as an accountant or undertaker, we like you better when you’re extinct.

The entire cast of The Expendables

There’s a picture that went around of Stallone and Schwarzenegger lying on adjacent hospital beds awaiting shoulder surgery after filming The Expendables 2. I think it sums it up pretty nicely – action stars should stop before their veins look like bulbous parasitic growths. At the time the film came out, the 11 leading actors had a combined age of 573-years. Chuck Norris is seventy-fricken-two. It’s time to hang up the artillery boys, find yourselves trophy wives and get varicose vein treatment before something bursts.

BEST OF THE WEB Connor McLay gives debate the lowdown on some of his favourite websites and asks the age-old question – do you really know how to google Google?

escapistmagazine.com This is one for the gamers. Whatever console is your pick, be it Xbox, Playstation, Wii or something more obscure there will be something here for you. I'm sure the escapist has a veritable goldmine of entertaining and interesting facets that I have yet to even begin to explore, but frankly I'm finding it difficult to get off the videos. A few starter points for you to check out before you see whatever else this site has to offer: Lisa Foiles' top-five lists are snappy, funny and cover everything from the top robots to the most impractical hair styles of female characters in video games (admit it, you've thought about it at some point). Jimquisition with Jim Sterling has a self-obsessed but well informed star with opinions on everything you need to know, all of which are clever, entertaining, and if you are the type to keep up with the gaming world, interesting.

Then finally, my personal favourite, Zero Punctuation with Ben 'Yahtzee' Croshaw. He reviews a new game every Wednesday with a very distinctive flair and animation style and gives the brutally honest truth that all modern game developers have learned to fear. There is some heavy language interspersed here and there in the escapist so if you are easily offended then it may not be for you. But if you want to watch some casual funny web videos for the average to hardcore gamer, look no further.

google.com Where would you be without Google? Certainly far less informed as for so many of us Google is now the one stop access point to the internet and all the glory within. But I bet you don't really know all the many different features of this nifty little search engine. The obvious stuff is Gmail, Google docs, Google scholar and Google images. But some of the more simple features are hidden under the surface. Try googling 'let it snow' and see what happens. Or 'do a barrel roll'. Google 'zerg rush' click the attackers and submit your high score. Or put in 'Chuck Norris' then hit I'm feeling lucky and see what you come up with. While we are on the subject, do you know how to Google? Do you really know? Betcha don't.

See this little symbol: ~ ? Put that before a world and Google will also search synonyms of that word.

For example, Google: ~girl and Google will search for girl, woman, female etc. Using – will exclude a term from the search. Put a sentence in quotation marks and Google will only find those words when they are together in that order. Learn to Google properly and you can find things to a degree of exactness that you previously could not. Google is your guide to the internet, learn to be its friend, and you will be surprised at what you didn't know.

thisiswhyimbroke.com A frequent question asked between friends who can't think of anything else to say is “if you won the lottery, what would be the first thing you'd do?” Well this is the answer you never knew about. The products on sale at thisiswhyimbroke.com are so awesome I don't even know which ones to use as examples. Even visiting the site without a cent to spend will provide you with huge amounts of entertainment as you just imagine what it would be like to own a water powered jet pack or the world's most powerful laser. You will find prices that range from a cassette tape iPhone cover for less than $2 to a 13 foot tall, 4.4 ton, diesel powered mech suit with a cockpit you can ride in for nearly $1,500,000. But the common theme for thisiswhyimbroke is things you don't find everyday which will make your life more awesome. So here are a few of my favourite examples: A one seater submarine shaped like a dolphin. A flying inflatable remote controlled shark. The tron lightcycle. Three player chess. Tiny functioning cannons. AK-47 with attached chainsaw (must have for zombie apocalypse but probably only available in USA, sorry kids). Flying car (pilot's licence needed). A radio controlled spy plane, and last on this list but most certainly not last of the near infinite items available: a reservation for an underwater hotel (all prices in American dollars).

damnlol.com You know all those funny pictures that are all over the internet? Memes, demotivational posters, gifs, entertaining little anecdotes told with a picture and a paragraph? Well this website is the one to visit if you ever want to kill time on the internet digging up the many gems of hilarity among the thousands of pictures damnlol.com has in its database.

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glorified GATSBY

by Hazel Buckingham I hesitate to begin with such a cliché, but The Great Gatsby really does seem to be all anyone is talking about.

Now any Tom, Nick or Daisy who owns an iPad, Kindle or Christmas book token is professing his or her undying fandom for F. Scott Fitzgerald, or claiming the movie to be the critical masterpiece of the year. The Twenties as an era seem to be similarly taking off, from the endless stream of Gatsby themed 21st invites, to an interest in 1920s fashion and even history.

But if you ask me, you all seem to be missing the point.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s no denying the absolute magic of Fitzgerald’s words or the vivid imagery he paints, but he didn’t glorify the epoch in his literature. He disdained it. And he wasn’t the only one.

lack of purpose or drive after returning to their homeland. Many experienced such disillusionment with America’s new found “freedom” and “prosperity” that they emigrated, primarily to Europe.

And The Great Gatsby is rife with this attitude. It is, as any great novel should be, a critical social commentary.

Fitzgerald highlights the inequalities of the period faultlessly, but oh so subtly. He places Nick Carraway and his tiny cottage next to Jay Gatsby and his majestic palace. He forces his well-off characters to confront waste and malevolent consumer greed head-on by driving through the industrial dumping ground “The Valley of Ashes” to get to New York. He asks you, so surreptitiously, who were the Twenties really roaring for?

“What?” I hear you ask. “What on earth could there be to scorn about a decade labeled the Roaring Twenties?”

While the flappers were busy discarding traditional roles and embracing consumerism, and people danced the night (or lunch hour!) away in illicit speakeasies, Fitzgerald was crafting literature that reflected the voice of a large majority of the nation.

True, on first glance the Twenties seem great. Also referred to as “The Jazz Age” in America, the Twenties hosted a time of economic prosperity, liberalism and large-scale diffusion of technology. The arts flourished as jazz became the pop music of the day, and brought with it infamous “flappers” - females challenging women’s traditional societal roles. Everything seemed feasible in such a thriving and modern environment.

Essentially, what Fitzgerald was getting at, is we have the Twenties to blame. The ridiculous consumer appetite that is currently ruining our planet; the use once and chuck it away mantra that is ingrained in our daily rituals. The unhealthy focus and perhaps obsession with celebrities and celetoids, involving propaganda and press manipulation. The promiscuity and abuse of drugs and alcohol. All became mainstream in the Twenties.

Besides, who wouldn’t want to attend a Gatsby party?

And don’t forget what you are fundamentally giving up when you glorify this decade. This is a time where there were separate restrooms for “blacks” and “whites”. Where human rights were reserved for a select few and degradation was part of the hegemony. Though women’s suffrage was taking off, the firm place for the fairer sex still remained at home in the kitchen and feminism was a battle to be waged, not an academic theory to be studied.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s no denying the absolute magic of Fitzgerald’s words or the vivid imagery he paints, but he didn’t glorify the epoch in his literature. He disdained it. And he wasn’t the only one.

But Fitzgerald belonged to a group of artists now known as “The Lost Generation”, and they were expressing their resentment towards the materialism and individualism that was rampant during this age.

The term “The Lost Generation” was popularised by another member, one who you should all know; Ernest Hemingway.

Hemingway used it as one of his epigraphs for his beautifully intimidating novel The Sun Also Rises, though he credits the phrase to his mentor Gertrude Stein.

The Lost Generation referred to younger people who served during World War I and whose prospects in life now looked dim. After being confronted with so much pointless death and horrific violence on such a huge scale, these people suffered a

This is what The Great Gatsby is about. And this is what writers such as T.S. Eliot, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Ernest Hemingway and John Dos Passos, writers of the Lost Generation, were proclaiming. The World War seemed to have destroyed the steadfast virtue that if you were a good person and did good things, then good things would happen to you. Faith was lost and so were they.

So before you scream about how much you want to be Daisy Buchanan, or attend a Gatsby party, understand the literature.

Know the writer’s intention and hell, pick up another one of his pieces. They are all deeply intrusive and critical, yet beautifully depicted. They scream disillusionment and loneliness. And better yet, they do it all without the painful Jay-Z and Lana-nobody-lovesme-Del-Ray soundtrack that the movie subjects you to.

“I was within and without. Simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life.”

- F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby.

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by Matthew Cattin There is nothing on earth quite as instantly satisfying as biting into a soft pastry envelope of steamy, meaty goodness, the oozing mess of cheese and gravy that threatens to burst through the seams and severely burn your fingers, the glorious mystery of not knowing exactly what is in your mouth, and not caring nonetheless.

Yes my friends, I am talking of the humble meat pie, the Kiwi classic.

I’ve been commuting into the city for university and work for the last three and a half years yet I can count the amount of pies I have consumed in the CBD on one hand. There are dozens of spots for sushi, kebabs, burgers, curry, salads, whatever, but when it comes to finding a quality pie, it really is few and far between.

With the arrival of the resurrected Georgie Pie, I thought I should take the opportunity to taste the best pies Auckland City has to offer. To protect my arteries and heart, I’ve spread my taste testing over a number of weeks. Read on to follow my journey.

2.5/5

McDonald’s: Georgie Pie Steak & Cheese.

Queen Street

I’d be lying if I said I distinctly remembered the taste of Georgie Pies – all I truly remember is the happiness that came with it. I do however recall that I always got a Mince and Cheese so I didn’t really expect a wave of nostalgia to hit me with the steak and cheese option McD’s exclusively offer. The pie’s smell in fact was the biggest memory jogger – I just sat there and smelled it a while. To be honest, for a $4.50 pie, I was underwhelmed. The pastry was drooping in the middle due to a lack of filling, and the filling itself, which was rather sparse, was nothing to go crazy over. Not to mention eating a Georgie Pie in McDonald’s made me feel like a traitorous bastard…

Café Madison: Mexican Pie High Street

I’ve never had a Mexican meal I didn’t like and Café Madison’s delicious mince and bean pie was no exception. While most pie lovers are all for the crispy pastry, I have to say I fully dig it soft. If I closed my eyes, it was almost like eating a burrito. It was flavoursome beef mince, not too fatty, with kidney beans and a fair bit of spice. Served with tomato sauce too which I liked but it could have done with some guacamole or sour cream – maybe next time I’ll ask. All in all for a café pie that doesn’t specialise in pie-making, it got the job done.

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3/5

6/5

Heavenly Pies: Venison and Sour Cream Mash Albert Street

Truth: this was the best pie I have ever eaten. The pastry was crisp yet soft, hand rolled, shaped and crimped – you could legitimately taste the fact that love was the first ingredient on the recipe. The filling took me places other pies could only dream of. The lean venison was pretty much fatless making for an extremely light taste – none of that fatty-roofof-mouth feel. The sour cream mash was smooth and fluffy like a cloud, the perfect complement to the tender chunks of Bambi’s mother. It was the kind of food I could quite happily eat all day - the fact that I had already polished off two Heavenly Pies made no difference. This was the real deal.

4/5 Celia’s Pies: Moroccan Lamb and Veggie Customs Street

After a hefty trek down to the Viaduct, I was hanging out for a solid pie, but could Celia deliver? Well… Almost. On first impression, I was royally impressed. Beautiful, smooth and golden pastry treats glittered behind the glass. I opted for the Moroccan Lamb and Veggies and I first noted as it was handed over the counter how light the pie was in the hand – I could tell already the pie would not be enough to satisfy my enormous girth. The pastry was excellent but the filling - although delicious and obviously high quality - was lacking quite significantly. I tried to eat it as slowly as possible to savour the goodness but no amount of small nibbles could save me from the fact this pie simply was not man-sized.

In saying that, it was a guilt-free pie experience and I would recommend Celia’s pies for their flavour and ingredients – just not their value.

3.5/5

Top Pie Café: Steak & Caramelised Onion Wellesley Street

At three dollars for a bakery style pie, you can’t go too wrong – particularly if there is a pie-shaped hole in your belly. On the same token however, you have to wonder what sort of ingredients are being used if it’s so darn cheap. Weigh it up yourselves – let’s get back to the pie.

Usually when I buy a steak pie, I expect to find more steak than gravy hiding in the pastry. Unfortunately, this was not the case and the only steak chunk in my pie I discovered in the very last of bites. However, the pastry was a pretty good time and the flavour was rather delicious so I can’t complain. Definitely worth the low price tag.

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No Country for Old Men

Directed by Joel and Ethan Coen Starring Tommy Lee Jones, Javier Bardem and Josh Brolin.

Rating: Reviewed by Matthew Cattin

There are few films that I would label flawless… But the Coen brother’s contemporary Western No Country for Old Men is absolutely immaculate. Adapted by the Cormac McCarthy novel of the same name, the 2007 film won four Academy Awards upon its release and has since gone on to earn its stripes as a contemporary classic.

The almost biblical story consists of three main players; the inherently good sheriff (Tommy Lee Jones), the good man who makes bad choices (Josh Brolin) and a man so heartless and cold, it’s as if he is Satan himself (played chillingly by Javier Bardem).

Perhaps it’s a reference to God, the devil and man or maybe it’s just great storytelling but the end product is one of the most compelling films I’ve ever seen; a modern masterpiece.

The film’s protagonist Llewellyn Moss (Brolin) is an average Southern bloke who stumbles upon a once and a lifetime opportunity at the aftermath of a gang clash in the desert – two million dollars cash. Realising he can make a clean getaway, Moss takes the money and runs – a decision that sets an unstoppable ball in motion. He soon finds himself hunted by God, the devil and about everything in between. Sheriff Bell (Jones) has nothing but the best intentions, hoping to discuss options with Moss before he falls victim to the wrong side of the law, the Anton Chigurh side of the law…

Of all the villains in cinema, Anton Chigurh (Bardem) is possibly the fella I would least want to meet at a party. Picture the creepiest man you’ve ever seen. Now triple it and add five. That will give you a faint idea of what we’re dealing with here. With possibly the worst haircut ever portrayed in cinema, Bardem stalks Moss with terrifying indifference, immune to bribes, deals and threats. He is a dark ghost, hollow and clinical. Fact - you will be disturbed.

Moss quickly realises what the theft could cost him but with Southern grit and determination, he decides to stick it out to the bitter end. What ensues is a cat and mouse game of survival with enough suspense to kill a horse. Despite the film’s many tense moments however, the pacing remains measured and slow with little or no music to embellish the action – a testament to the power of good filmmaking!

When I first saw the film, I was ignorant enough to dislike the ending because of its unconventional and abrupt conclusion.

I’ve since watched it again a few times with wiser eyes and my opinions have reversed – it’s unique, poetic, unexpected, full circle, melancholy, perfect. In saying that, watch it without expectations for a Hollywood ending – you won’t get one, not even close.

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She & Him

Volume 3 Rating: Reviewed by Nigel Moffiet

It’s round three for Zooey Deschanel and M.Ward. I like this simplicity and their name says it all – She & Him. The album follows Volume 1 and Volume 2 and a Christmas album. Like all their past music, this album evokes a classic sensibility. Breezy ’60s pop with the bright wash of sunshine, innocent love (won and lost) and the possibly of something a little darker underneath.

Volume 3 is a continuation of the past albums with nothing new, which may be boring for some but fine for those who remain happy to soak in the sounds the duo are familiar for. And despite the musical muscle of M. Ward behind her, this is mostly Deschanel’s project as she writes most of the songs.

Like Deschanel’s on-screen persona as an actress, her vocal delivery is saccharine but sharp. Although the songs are sweet sounding there is sometimes an edgy punch to her lyrics. On the opening track I’ve Got Your Number, Son she is quick to critique: “What’s a man without all the attention? Well he’s just a man.”

Soon, she turns on herself: “Who am I without all your affection?

I’m a nobody too.”

Just when Deschanel’s voice hits one too many high pitched girly notes, she brings it down a notch for a more soothing delivery.

When M. Ward enters with his gruff, country-folk charm it balances the music out and adds a nice story telling dynamic.

Yet, while it sounds sweet, the lyrics at some point are a little uninspired with a few too many “Oh, little baby” confessions of love. But rather than giving details, the lyrics accompany the mood of the music – acoustic guitars, jangly drumming, and an overall breezy sound. The track Turn To White creates images: “I took a picture, your form was cloudy in the night. You wrote a letter, you said you try to shed some light. On the good and the wicked things we do.” It’s slow and descriptive throughout.

As done on past albums, She & Him like to throw in a well-known classic. A familiar pick me up. Smokey Robinson’s You’ve Really Got a Hold on Me was a real treat on Volume 1. On Volume 2 it was the popular 1951 Milton Kellem song Gonna Get Along Without You Now. Here we’ve got Harry Noble’s 1952 hit Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me – which might not sound too familiar on paper, but once you hear the tune, chances are it is a familiar one. This track, sung to perfection by Deschanel, is delivered in a smooth, smokey style at times.

And smooth and smokey is what she does best. Throughout the album there are times Deschanel’s voice takes on a high pitched tone, not quite becoming a squeal, but annoying nevertheless.

When she tones down, her voice really shines. And when M. Ward grumbles a few lines, it’s fantastic. Although I wouldn’t be too interested in these albums if it weren’t for M. Ward’s presence, credit does have to go to Deschanel. Her understated and subtle song writing is really fun to listen to. With a lot of manufactured pop garbage infesting playlists everywhere, this is some honest pop music with a bit of heart. You could do worse than listening to this album.

The Conjuring

Directed by James Wan Starring Vera Farmiga, Patrick Wilson and Lili Taylor Rating: Reviewed by Matthew Cattin

Essentially The Amityville Horror but better, The Conjuring is a decent horror film that packs a punch but fails to offer anything new to the genre. My expectations for the film were high, bulked up by initial buzz, and I wasn’t let down by James Wan’s (Saw, Insidious) loose adaption of the true case files of the Warren’s – a ghost busting duo from the 70s. In saying that, the contentious true events have suffered much criticism over the years so the true story tag no doubt loses some of its sting in my eyes.

The story starts in typical horror fashion as a loving family of seven move into an isolated old house to escape the pressures of the city. The eldest of five sisters makes a few snarky remarks about her social life ending while the parents smile contentedly about their quiet slice of heaven – so far nothing we haven’t seen before. Despite its cliché scripting and genre conventions however, director James Wan deserves a pat on the back for some truly gnarly (in a good way) camera work. Film geeks like myself really appreciate a bit of originality so kudos to you – now let’s get back to the story…

So once the family is all settled in, the evil whatsit starts causing a ruckus to scare them out. Doors slam, apparitions… appear, the daughters get dragged out of bed and the odour of rotting meat fills a few rooms – you know, the usual. Shit gets really serious when the girls get attacked by creepy, clapping demon things and the mother decides to employ the Warren’s ghost hunting service to get to the bottom of things.

Enter Ed and Lorraine Warren, paranormal investigators and all round good sorts, played nicely onscreen by Patrick Wilson (Watchmen) and Vera Farmiga (The Departed, Up in the Air).

Lorraine, a clairvoyant, immediately identifies a nasty presence and warns that even if the family move house, this wicked spirit will follow as it has latched itself onto their beings – a great plot twist to shush the whingers whispering smugly “why don’t they just move out…”

I was pleasantly surprised by the acting quality, especially by the youngsters playing the sisters. Kid actors can make or break a film so it’s always refreshing to see the littlies really nailing it – I definitely believed their terrified expressions. The leads were all believable and decent too, but that’s to be expected. In terms of scares, I went away quite satisfied – there were a lot of clichés thrown into the mix but enough well-executed original ideas to compensate (the clothesline scene…).

If you count yourself a fan of the horror genre as I do, I reckon you’ll dig this film quite a lot. Yes it’s cliché, predictable and the ending is a little too neat but for a horror film, it’s probably the best I’ve seen in a while.

The Bling Ring

Directed by Sofia Coppola Starring Katie Chang, Israel Broussard and Emma Watson Rating: Reviewed by Matthew Cattin

Mediocre at best, Sofia Coppola’s addition to this year’s film festival The Bling Ring was quite the disappointment. Based on true events, the film follows a group of LA college kids who decided their upper class, first world lives just weren’t cutting it.

To make themselves feel complete, they took to burglarising the homes of the rich and famous, stealing the clothing and personal items of their idols. With so much potential for emotional grit, dark suspense and a whirlwind conclusion, I ended up bored, depressed at the state of the world and eagerly anticipating the credits.

Lacking in any drama whatsoever, the film shifted effortlessly from scene to scene while my blank expression mimicked those appearing on screen. I foolishly expected a film about burglary to include a level of suspense, tension and character conflicts but alas I was disappointed. Perhaps the true life culprits shared this same emotional attachment and disconnect to their deeds but on film, it doesn’t translate well. I never felt they were in any danger of being caught and due to their offensively plastic personalities, nor did I particularly care. I would have liked to see a bit of interpersonal conflicts or personal demons come into the mix, anything to make the film a little more exciting.

Despite my detachment to the characters and story, the film was shot rather well. There comes a point however, about an hour in, where you realise virtually the entire film thus far has been repetitive montages of spoilt teenagers trying on clothes, taking selfies and hitting clubs. Yes it may have been accurate but no it doesn’t make for good viewing; after about the sixth burglary I was about to dob the ring in myself just to break the monotony.

Perhaps the strongest scenes of the film took place in Paris Hilton’s extravagant home. Paris was a victim of the real life ‘bling ring’ robberies and agreed to let Coppola and cast shoot in her house for added authenticity. With Paris Hilton cushions, extensive walk in wardrobes and a clubbing room, complete with stripper pole, it was these moments that brought the laughs, the realism and the genuine shock factor, “wow, some people actually live like this,” moments.

Critics have been getting their rave on about Emma Watson’s apparently “spectacular” performance as snobby bitch Nicki but meh, it was aiiight. As for the rest of the cast, I felt they were fairly amateur, doing the best that could be done with the clunky, obvious script. Maybe this film is for fashion gurus because for most of it, I thought the cast was speaking gibberish. “Ohmagawd Gucci! This is sooo sick!” What are you even saying? Stop trying on clothes and give me some storyline.

If fashion is your thing and you spend your weekends watching the E Channel, make sure you see this film. If not, I’d probably avoid it.

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