9 Scott Moyes
If you’re a regular sports-goer, you’ll be quite familiar with the chant “you fucked up”. Quite a descriptive phrase really. Nothing else perfectly sums up a dropped ball or missed opportunity. But naturally there are those who take it a step further and have a habit of being a general air-head off the field too.
Look no further than Black Caps batsmen, Jesse Ryder. After yet another comeback to cricket, Ryder reunited himself with the booze. To his credit, he didn’t punch a window this time and injure his hand, so hats off to you Jess. So he’s been given the old slap on the wrist and a suspension, which won’t really teach him anything. So why not indulge in some of the more idiotic athletes of recent years and show the Black Caps administration that Jesse Ryder is a harmless butterfly.
1 Tiger Woods
: Fell quicker than a kamikaze pilot. Tiger was flying high as the world’s number one golfer after we heard he had been involved in some sort of ‘car crash’. What unfolded was much juicier. There were affairs and sexual encounters that put Glen Quagmire to shame. Now he’s ditched caddie Steve Williams and hasn’t looked the same player since.
7 Floyd Landis
: This bloke had the cricket world at his feet when he signed a juicy contract with the Indian Premiere League. But after missing Australian team meetings, calling Brendan McCullum a “lump of shit” on the radio and something to do with Harbhajan Singh and a monkey, he was dismissed. His international career ended but he still bobs up here and there minus the dreads. Good job. I don’t understand why professional sportsmen would want them anyway.
: Ditched the Brisbane Broncos for Rugby Union. He was pretty darn good at it too. Though in 2006 a drugs test came back positive for cocaine and the big Dell suddenly smelt nothing like roses. However, it would seem his reputation has remained in tact and he returned to league with the St George Illawarra Dragons. He’s since retired and become a worse band-wagoner than John Key.
: OK. I cheated a bit here. But so did they. Starting in 2006, the Melbourne Storm played in four consecutive NRL Grand Finals, winning two of them and three minor premierships. However in 2010 it was revealed that the club severely breached the salary cap and were forced to shed a large number of quality players along with the titles they won. However, to the credit of coach Craig Bellamy, the team has bounced back strongly falling one game short of another Grand Final in 2011. : The Tour de France. Seriously. A month of straight cycling. No wonder these guys have the highest paid pharmacists in the world. Floyd claimed the overall yellow jersey for the race until, you guessed it, the drugs test came back positive.
: The champion sprinter was plagued with drug allegations for most of her career. She aggressively denied them time and time again. Though in 2007, she admitted to lying the whole time and that she did in fact take steroids before the 2000 Sydney Olympics. At those games she won three gold medals and two bronzes.
5 Mike Tyson
: Where to start? The boxer was convicted of raping an 18-year-old women in 1992. He was sentenced to 10 years in prison but somehow managed to get released after just three. He made a comeback of sorts in 1995 but ripped off Holyfield’s ear, got banned from fighting in America and filed for bankruptcy. Check him out in the Hangover. You can see his other mistake: the tattoo on his face.
: From affairs, to drugs, to having your ex-wife and her friend found dead outside your condo. There was even a car pursuit to catch OJ, but the jury found him innocent. Go figure. Now the former running back is serving a 33-year sentence for armed robbery. The guy is in a league of his own.
: Possibly the worst of them all. The greatest New Zealand batsmen behind Martin Crowe. Our most capped test player. Was man of the match on debut. Captained the side for yonks and was once caught, while on tour, smoking wacky backy with Matthew Hart and Dion Nash. But Stephen, your TV commercials have put me off Fujitsu Heat Pumps for life.
Published on Mar 8, 2012