DIVERSIONS
LIFE
19
ASKED FOR IT I Want a Baby LYOU The Advice You Need to Hear Dear Eric, This week, I met a guy. We first got together yesterday at the fairgrounds, and we had a fun time just walking around in the cold. He was attractive, really nice; we exchanged compliments and made plans to watch a movie that night. That night, after I was done with my other events, I thought we were going to hang out. I waited, texted, and called. No reply. I was stood up. I felt like Harry Styles after Taylor Swift dumped him. He texted me today saying that he got called into work. What should I do? Do I forgive him? Kick him to the curb? — Stood-Up Styles Dear Stood-Up Styles, Unless he works at a nuclear power plant or a prison, I’m pretty sure he could have sent a text saying he couldn’t make it. Relationships need to be built on trust, communication and friendship. Give him one more chance. Pick a time and a place that’s reasonable to meet; we don’t know what all the circumstances were leading up to the last date. Although, if this happens again and he doesn’t show up, he should be blacklisted and forced to pay the price of celibacy.
Need advice? Send me an email at eric.weber@wallawalla.edu and we can anonymously work this out together.
Eric Weber This may be a surprise to you, but I want a
baby. Yes, me: Soulless, calloused, attractive Eric Weber wants a baby. I don’t understand it either; the last time I felt joy was while watching Shark Week and needlepoint-stitching derogatory phrases onto my pillow. But for some reason unbeknownst me, I want a child. I think I would be a great father. Not only would I take my child to the best movies, but I would also only teach him or her the appropriate curse words to use in public. You may be wondering, “Eric, do you intend to raise this child on your own?” and my response is a resounding “Yes.” I’m planning to write my memoir in a couple of years, and I need something that makes me relatable; nobody wants to read about a poor college student raised in a stereotypical middle-class family. Add a baby and some diaper jokes, and you have a New York Times best-seller. Diversions Editor