Issue 19

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Ne w s p a p e r o f Wa l l a Wa l l a U n i v e r s i t y

Collegian The

Volume 102 | Issue 19

Part 4 pg. 7

“As we speak! It’s working. In my mind.” - Omar Alfaro, ASWWU Executive VP

March 15, 2018

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Last Things First college place, wa | walla walla university

| March 2018 Issue 19

Sleepless in College Place By Meghann Heinrich Hello friends, so kind of you to come. Quick question: do you all remember the heartwarming 1993 film, “Sleepless in Seattle”? If you don’t, that’s okay; I’m only a little disappointed in you. Here is a quick recap: Tom Hanks lives in Seattle, and Meg Ryan falls in love with him after she hears him on the radio. They meet at the top of the Empire State Building on Valentine’s Day. It’s pretty neat, although I think we can all agree that the “Toy Story” movies are Hanks’ crowning achievement, and all of his other films pale in comparison. Well, sir, I am in a pickle. It’s dead week, and I have committed to an infinitely less-wonderful version of “Sleepless in Seattle.” It’s a little project I am calling “Sleepless in College Place.” Here’s the skinny: for one of my journalism classes I’ve resolved to pull my first-ever all-nighter. The purpose

Hey Thanks! “Hey thanks daily announcements for reminding me that there so many fun and creative ways to not study for finals.” “Hey thanks Jumping Einstein being the high stakes version of Where’s Waldo for WWU students.” “Hey thanks Girl Scouts for giving us a reason to come back after Spring Break. Bring on the Thin Mints.”

of this self-imposed sleep deprivation exercise is to journal my reactions and inevitable cognitive decline as the night progresses. It’s sort of a participation-observation situation, if you will. I’ll then take the data I gather and use it in my final project—a story on the effects of sleep deprivation on college students. Apparently there is substantial evidence that lack of sleep is tied to lower GPAs and, in the spirit of journalism, I intend to put that theory to the test. I’m just now realizing that doing this experiment during dead week is going to be what you might call “a bad idea.” But I have always said that “one man’s bad idea is another man’s revelation.” Case in point: the invention of the scooter/baby stroller hybrid.1 Well, a faint heart never won a fair grade. Best case scenario: I end up at the top of the Empire State Building and find true love. More likely scenario: around 2:00 a.m., I get really cranky

and start breaking stuff. I operate almost exclusively in extremes, so the other option is: I will get inexplicably happy and throw myself wholeheartedly into spreading good tidings of great joy. It could honestly go either way; we’ll just have to wait and see. If history serves as any indication, a few fun things happen when I’m very tired, including: trying to shower using stick deodorant for soap and (almost) kissing my cousin. I’ll explain. At my home we always have a little family time before bed. This has been the case since the dawn of time; it’s become a natural routine we follow almost unconsciously to this day. On that fateful evening, my long-suffering older cousin Michael was visiting us. I was exhausted, and Michael just happened to be sitting in the chair my mother usually sits in. It was an honest mistake. As I got up to go to bed, I did my routine round of goodnights and

Verbatim

gave my father the customary hug and goodnight peck on the cheek. Without skipping a beat I turned to where poor, unsuspecting Michael was sitting. At that point I’m not sure what exactly happened. I know that as I started to lean toward him with the intention of giving my mother a peck on the cheek, a voice in the back of my mind whispered, “Don’t do it, that’s not your mother.” In classic me fashion, I ignored that little voice and charged ahead. I remember seeing his eyes widen in horror and I stopped inches away from his face, suddenly conscious that I was about to do something very wrong. I tried to play it off with a slow motion about-face and army crawl out of the living room. No luck. He called me on it, and I am now known as the kissing menace of our family. Grandmas, grandpas, aunts, uncles and cousins all steer clear. “Careful, she’s coming in hot!” they warn each other,

never knowing what I might do next. Honestly, I can’t blame them. Even I don’t know what I’m going to do next. So yes, it is very likely this self-imposed sleep deprivation exercise will be a recipe for disaster. Actually, by the time you read this I will have already completed it. So watch out, the residual effects of exhaustion might still be clouding my judgment even as we speak. If you see a dazed young lady wandering campus who looks like she might’ve just showered with a stick of deodorant (believe me, it will show) and/or making passes at strangers just call campus security. But I’ll warn you, I’m going to put up a fight. I’m scrappier than a hillbilly with a hatchet when I’m tired. 1 Check out the scooter/baby stroller hybrid and other ingenious inventions: https://www.boredpanda. com/useful-creative-inventions/

Dead Week Five minutes later

“My pastor said ‘don’t be caught sleeping with the foolish virgins.’ What, do you want us to sleep with, the wise ones?” - Professor Tim Tiffin, talking about versions but accidentally saying virgins “I just hit 10,000 steps, yay! I’m really fit as a fiddle!” - Professor Brandon Beck “I haven’t started writing your final exam yet because...life.”

Oh.

Ice Cream

What’s wrong?

- Professor Kyle Craig “Plants don’t run away. They just sit there asking you to pick them and harass them and mangle them.” - Professor Kirt Onthank

Email your faculty verbatim or thank yous to meghann.heinrich@wallawalla.edu to be featured!

I ate it all...

© 2018 KYRA GREYEYES


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