51 Development do’, but when it comes to these actions in preschool children, the situation is not that clear cut. In fact, the term ‘bullying’ shouldn’t really be used at all.
By any other name
I
t has to be one of the most upsetting situations for parents: a child being bullied or indeed a child being a bully. It’s an emotional minefield too with defensive parents, upset children and angry accusations often bandied about. And when the problem starts in very young children it can be all the more worrying. If that kind of behaviour develops in a pre-school child, are they destined for a life of being known as ’the bully’? Not necessarily. The Cambridge Dictionary defines bullying as: ‘to hurt or frighten someone who is smaller or less powerful than you, often forcing that person to do something they do not want to
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For this sort of behaviour to be termed bullying there has to be a particular intention behind it and an awareness of the effect it will have on the other child. According to Jennifer Ryan, psychologist and founder of My Life Solutions, a not-for-profit organization that offers support in environments where bullying occurs (www.mylifesolutions.ie), small children are just not capable of that yet. “Bullying has a very specific definition and in order for bullying to happen it has to have power,” she explains. “There has to be an intention to cause harm and there has to be repetition. No child of pre-school age has the understanding that they’re causing somebody else harm, they don’t have that level of empathy development. There’s no intention, so we can’t call it ‘bullying’. Is there another term for it? Not really, I think it’s just kids finding their position in a peer group.” Marie Therese Quinn, owner of Blossoms Montessori in Rathfarnham, Dublin, agrees that the bullying label doesn’t apply to such young children. “Most pre-school children can be very selfcentred at times and children with strong personalities can tend to domineer and be overbearing towards their peers,” she says. “Sure, pre-school children can be a bit aggressive at times, but it comes from their lack of understanding of how to behave socially and how to negotiate for what they want and regulate their emotions.” Removing the label of ‘bullying’ from aggressive behaviour in such small children may seem a little irrelevant; after all, there is most likely an upset child at the receiving end and the effect on them is very real, but to be branded a bully is something a child can carry through life. It’s also important for parents to understand that this behaviour is just a part of their child testing the boundaries (much like the crying fits in the shopping centre or stubborn refusal to eat vegetables). It does not mean that their child will grow into a bully, but if it is left unchecked at this stage, it can undoubtedly develop into a problem.
Solving the problem Children of this age are always supervised, which gives the adults in their lives the opportunity to catch such behaviour before it
becomes problematic. Parents and childcare workers need to call a halt to the child’s action and it has to be handled gently, firmly and, most importantly, consistently. “Consistency is the key to tackling the problem,” Marie Therese explains. ”If each time the child behaves aggressively, it is clearly explained to them in a serious tone that this is not acceptable, then he/she will learn over time.” Ignoring the behaviour (as long as another child is not being harmed) can also be effective. If the child is lashing out for the attention, and are ignored every time, they will soon realise it’s not worth the effort. Focusing on the hurt child, rather than the ‘perpetrator’ can also emphasise the idea that this acting out isn’t really producing the right response for them.” The situation also gives parents a chance to help develop empathy in their child. Focus on self-empathy, ask them how they‘re feeling and acknowledge that it‘s okay for them to have those feelings too. “A lot of parents rush in and say, ‘don’t be silly, why are you angry about that? That’s silly’. It’s not silly, anger is perfectly normal and it’s fine that they’re angry about whatever they’re angry about.” Jennifer says. “I would sit down and explain to your child, ‘When you do this you make somebody sad,’ and in the next situation, ‘Are you sad when that happens?’ You’re getting them to understand their own emotions. Encourage that sense of responsibility. Instead of ‘You’ve done wrong’, say ‘You’ve made them sad, what are we going to do about this? How are we going to make this better?’” The other side of this situation, of course, is the other child, the one who has been at the receiving end. No parent wants to hear their child has upset another but the problem does have to be addressed, calmly and without accusation. If the incident happened in day care, talk to the staff and ask if they’d seen anything that occurred or if not, if they could keep an eye out. It can be even more tricky if your child was in the care of another parent when the incident occurred. “I usually advise not engaging with the other parent but if your child comes home upset from a play date approach the other parent in an non-accusatory manner,” Jennifer advises. Ultimately, this sort of behaviour in young children is a part of them testing the boundaries and seeing what behaviour is appropriate, which is all a natural part of their development. It’s important to remember too that a problem at this age doesn’t mean a child will be aggressive or a bully in the future.
“Pre-school children can be a bit aggressive at times, but it comes from their lack of understanding of how to behave socially and how to negotiate what they want and regulate their emotions.”
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