LOST IN ME Sick in the soul, I just don’t know how to behold the end of
Sensations, emotions, responsibilities—all fading away,
the world that I’ve known. Ailing of mind, in a desert waste-
while I sit back and watch my tortured life go by, day by
land called Life. I’m consumed by hostile winds cutting
day. Give me a few moments, a few moments are all I need
through my being.
to slip a cigar through my fingers and insert the green. So high, so high I can reach the sky. But each time I fly, a part
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Dragging my carcass through a tortured existence—
of me dies—for getting high is a chemical lie. But where’s
spaced, alienated. Dwelling among lost and lifeless souls
my chance for a pleasurable piece of the American pie? It’s
that soothe my hopeless heart. My self-loathing intensified,
getting stronger, the feelings are staying longer, and I’m
hateful and distraught feelings are constant companions. I
blinking out of existence like a candle in early morning.
have lost grip on reality—twisted and pulled.
Laying under a grave, no longer wanting this life. But why is it so hard for me, why must I fight? When you say H.I.V.,
I am weak, the hunted, my very existence has been raped
what do that mean for me now, am I worth loving still or do
and polluted—show me death and I’ll salute it. My days are
I pass without a sound?
Then he said to me, them dreams will never come
He entices me, stimulating me mentally and giving me
counting down. Life drains from me as blood from a wound;
true—try these pleasures, this anger, this drug, this loot.
everything that I think should be mine, but shouldn’t I be
I’m dying but never too soon. So much pain there, nothing
Who cares for the down and out, who cares I say? Why
Bound to salute this demon within me, I’m shackled in
righteous sometime? Being so nice to me—can I trust
to retain. I can’t let go because I need my pain…to feel and
should anyone, isn’t that the American way? Who has the
thought—no reasons, no faults. Yearning for that next
him at all? I’m drugged with desire, like I’m overdosed
maintain, to see if I’m still alive. I need my anger by my side.
right to fuck my shit up but me, who can tell me who I was
high, that rush, looking always for what I can never sup-
on Tylenol. But I need him to get to that place. The Key
I’m growing numb. I’m seeing dark—the lights are lowering.
myself? Don’t dare say you got love for a brother, because
ply. I think I’m in trouble. I’m falling, then I’m saved; he
Master can always have his place—by my side, every
I am in a box. Is there any of me left? Or am I near death?
if I don’t love who I am, then I do not love anyone else!
always has my back—I can sin all day, and murder, and
night. Get me high. I want to fly. To the end—but
My thoughts are possessed by lust and sadness—doubt,
rob myself—my spirit, my mind—masking out with a
where’s that? I don’t care; I need smack. I’m in danger;
anger, and rage—I’m driven into madness. I’m a push-
I struggle internally to unlock the powers of joy, but the
I’ve lost to this demon. Now he’s the boss. I want to
button figure; I can’t regain control. The room is spinning;
harder I fight, the deeper my void. How do I recover from a
escape. I want to die. But do me a favor—get me high.
my despair is on patrol. I can’t move. My eyes are seeing
shattered state? Day by day, they say, but I can see no
red and my limbs are dead.
other way. In a dark place of utter fright I fight, while sur-
vengeance the moon, the day, the sun, the time. He had my mind intertwined with his wicked state of
ever meant to be? Who can hate me more than I hate
rounded by love and still unable to see the light. I’m all
crime—he’s my boy, my next-of-kin; he’ll be there to tell
There’s no saving you—you’re like me, I say. Deranged,
you there’s room for sin. High on destruction, high on
no doubt strange, with no power to maintain. You com-
pain, I don’t know where I am, not even my name. What
plete my life’s work—you, your people, even your man,
the right to take away my world; am I the only one or do he
about harm reduction—now what’s that? This isn’t a
Cain. Your mind, your soul will never remain, for your
put the moves on his baby girl? I can feel the beat of my
I can’t take it anymore; I’m about to scream—like in one of
game; now that’s insane! You need me to endure—you
brain will never accept anything but my pain. I aim to
heart viciously thumping through my body like a beacon in
those Hollywood dramatic movie scenes: when people are
need not stay pure. For within my kingdom, there’s no
destroy you mentally and remove you certainly from the
the dark. What am I going through? What’s happening to
getting ready to die and try to shout, fear gets the best of
such thing as a cure, or promise, or strength and ambi-
kingdom of bliss. I pour suffering and danger down on
my world? Whose life am I living? I am in a whirl.
them and brings the inevitable end about. Oh lord, where
tion. Give me one day and you’ll start wishing for pain,
you and you’ll assent. Are you stupid? Couldn’t you tell?
to die, to get high and comply with my demons for as
I’m that demon within you. Welcome to Hell.
long as you can stand. You need to wake up, because
John Benknockee
I’m the man!
When you say H.I.V., what do that mean? Do I just lie down
alone. The dead call out to me, the dying are pushing me;
and die, or does death stalk me like a fiend? Who gave him
my life is a blur, like my unforeseen destiny.
are you? Are you within sight? My soul needs touching, my Is there’s an answer out there—does anyone know? I say,
heart needs your might. I’ve held on; holding on for too
don’t hold back—let it flow! I’m in mental bondage, carry-
long. Searching for a true path with a spirit that is only half.
ing an endless pit of disappointment on my back and
Incomplete, false—help me lord, for I am lost.
instead of cutting my chains, I polish them with misguided pride and a fat sack of smack. How much easier things
John Benknockee
become, how light and heavenly I feel. With some of the most intense pleasure, is this for real, even worth my bill? With no worries, pains, suffering or regret, give me three fat blunts and my day is set.
Situations
46
Situations
47
