Poems by Sindy Scott-Jenkins

HATS

Ex-felon. Ex-convict. Recovering addict, mental health client. Ex-streetworker, incest survivor. Ex-ward of the state on a PINS petition. Ex-foster child, rape victim. HASA client. Welfare recipient. Mother of 8. Wife. High school graduate. Music lover (instrumental and vocal). Singer. Valedictorian. Patient. Overachiever. Published poet. A chameleon: Shamiqua, Candida, Zoraya, Dusty— these were the names I went by on the street. Positive since 1985, a long-term survivor. An all-round winner.

Sindy Scott-Jenkins

HOW?

How do you give someone what they see in you without instructions? How do you allow others to see your sincerity without losing some of yourself and becoming undone? How do you learn from your mistakes and move on if you’re constantly reminded of them? How do you let 15 years of marriage go without resentment, anger, and grief? How do you start a new relationship without bringing the past ones in? How do you forgive someone who uses the very things that traumatized you to hurt you? And how do you let them back in without fear, doubt, and confusion? How do you tell all eight of your children that they’ve been adopted because you chose to use drugs and run from your responsibilities? And how do you tell them that you don’t know who their fathers are, except for the last two? How do you pretend with the world and not believe some of the roles you play? And finally, how do you tell the very ones who believe in you that you can’t handle anything, that you’re not invincible, and that you can’t handle even this?

Sindy Scott-Jenkins

WHO, WHAT, WHERE, WHY, &HOW?

Who Who decides how much pain motivates a person?

What What right do people have to tell you that your love isn’t good enough? Maybe it’s all you’ve got to work with.

Where Where does it state that I am incapable of success because of my past or my ethnic background?

Why Why does the mind store past failures and pain, the eyes play magic tricks, when only half of what you see is real? And why it is that the heart continues to long for the inconceivable, the unachievable?

How How can you give the world what you never had?

Sindy Scott-Jenkins

WHAT YOU SEEIS NOT WHAT YOU GET

What you see: They all wear brand new shoes. (Old shoes shining from the hi-gloss of Vaseline.)

What you see: Brand name clothing. (Donated clothing sewn, washed, starched at home.)

What you see: Always healthy. (Chronic asthmatics.)

What you see: Well fed. (Chicken backs.)

What you see: They’re always happy and cordial. (Practiced our behavior before coming out of the house.)

What you see: All those kids must not have a TV. (We had a TV, but were only allowed to watch Sesame Street and Electric Company.)

What you see: Their hair is kept so well groomed. (Well conditioned with eggs and mayo on the big check day, straightened with lard.)

Where are the lucky husband and wife? Dad died. Mom lives in the Bronx. She’s still smiling.

Sindy Scott-Jenkins