Poems by
Diane Dawson
Ode to Rehab Wants & Needs I want 5 million dollars. I need $25,000. I want to be loved by a man. I need to love myself first. I want to get high right now! I need to focus on my recovery. I want to be in the spotlight again. I need to fall back, and stay in the shadows. Sometimes I want to hurt people. I need to figure out why. I want to lose weight. I need to eat right and exercise. I want to say what’s on my mind. I need to think before I speak. I want what I want when I want it. I need to practice patience. I want to jump into the ocean. I need to learn how to swim. I want a boyfriend. I need a companion. I want, I want, I want... I need to get a life. Oops, I already have one! I need to stand for something, or else I will fall for anything.
Dawn, fall to my knees to pray, Sun is rising, looking out my window, I see the snow-covered mountains, pine trees as far as the eye can see, a hawk glides by my window, the sky is red then it slowly turns blue. Shower, get dressed, sitting at my desk with writer’s block, I smell coffee, I leave my sanctuary, enter the dining room, I say good morning to the personalities, pouring myself a cup of decaffeinated coffee, cursing under my breath, yearning for a real cup of coffee & a cigarette, breakfast is served, meds are swallowed, bell rings. Groups: AA, NA, Daily Inventory, Anger Management, Stress Management, Sober Recreation, Healthy Endings, over & over & over again—30 days straight. Feelings, mourning the dead, soul-searching, crying, anger, guilt, temptation, humility, gratitude— an emotional rollercoaster ride, back & forth, up & down, finally surrendering & accepting sobriety. Whew! What a ride! Emerging from my 30-day sanctuary with a certificate in my hand & tears in my eyes, so hard to say goodbye to my peers, must restart my life. Anxiety is on the rise. On the bus ride back to Manhattan, as the bus enters the city, I smile, looking at the city through sober eyes for the first time in 20 years, I now know that anything is possible. Hi, my name is Diane & I am an addict.
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