Voice Magazines - Alfreton & Villages Edition - June 2025
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How has your May been? I saw a meme the other day which said something along the lines of ‘May has mostly been me sweating, drinking and being skint’ and I felt that was pretty accurate for me too! So many bank holidays, so many events and celebrations, pay day can’t come soon enough!! That said, it has been fun, and it has flown by in the blink of an eye but I’m ready for a quiet June!
We’ve had some lovely feedback from last months covers again and we very much hope that you like this month’s as well. As I’ve said before, we try to be different from one month to the next, pretty pictures are all very nice and well, but everyone is different and it’s nice to appeal to different people at different times. So, this month, with it being the ‘Father’s Day’ theme, we couldn’t resist a series of ‘Dad Jokes’. Mr Emily (and I) just so happen to know a man called Paul from the hockey club whom, we feel, quite possibly, is the oracle of all the dad jokes which have ever existed!
Read our magazines online www.issuu.com/artliff
If he didn’t create them, then his brain is at the very least, full of a back catalogue that spans back as far as jokes that Tutankhamun heard from his dad!! Thankfully, he sent us some of his material (the clean ones) and his jokes are now throughout the magazines for all to see! (Along with a few of our own). Multiple times over many years, Paul has dragged me, unknowingly, into his joke set up, if he ever has a serious conversation, I simply won’t believe him!! Thanks PB, appreciate your help!
Anyway, long may this BBQ weather continue and where possible, tell some dad jokes, it doesn’t half put a smile on people’s faces!
(And Why
We Secretly Love Them!)
You know a dad joke when you hear one, and we all know someone who simply cannot resist telling them.
It’s the punchline you saw coming a mile off, delivered with complete seriousness, usually followed by that unmistakable smug smile and chuckle.
But where did dad jokes come from, and why do they have such staying power?
The roots of the dad joke probably go back centuries. Puns and wordplay have been part of language for as long as people have been talking. Ancient Roman playwrights like Plautus used puns in their comedies, and Shakespeare famously built entire scenes around groan-worthy jokes.
Puns like;
“Thine face is not worth sunburning.” from Henry V
“You are as a candle, the better burnt out.” from Henry IV Part 2
And a particular favourite of mine…
“I do desire we may be better strangers.” from As You Like It.
But the modern idea of the “dad joke”, silly, safe, and slightly embarrassing, started to form in the 20th century.
In Britain, the rise of television comedies in the ‘60s and 70s brought the lovable, slightly clueless dad character into homes everywhere. Programmes like The Likely Lads, On the Buses and Bless This House featured men whose humour was often rooted in puns, understatement, and awkwardness.
The stereotype of the well-meaning but corny and even embarrassing father figure began to take hold, and so did the jokes. The term “dad joke” itself, however, didn’t become common until much later. By the 1980s, articles and comedians started using the phrase to describe this very specific style of humour. The first recorded use of the term is apparently to be found in the USA in a 1987 Gettysburg Times column.
Why do dad jokes endure?
Psychologists suggest it’s because they are a safe, shared form of humour. They don’t rely on putting others down. Instead, everyone is invited to enjoy (and gently mock) the joke together. According to the British Psychological Society, “dad jokes,” often considered corny, actually help children handle embarrassment and social awkwardness, making them more confident and emotionally strong as they grow.
No one tells a dad joke for the applause.
You know it’s bad.
Your family (or audience) know it’s bad.
You tell it for the groans.
For the eyerolls.
For the teenager muttering “Oh no, not again” under their breath.
You tell it because it’s not about being the funniest person in the room, it’s about sharing a laugh with the people you care about and making the effort to connect, however awkwardly!
It’s a little reminder that laughter doesn’t have to be clever to bring people closer together.
We ran the most fabulous competition in our April edition, with fantastic support from local companies and bumper entries from local residents. We wanted to share the pics of the happy winners to show that we didn’t just run off with the gifts ourselves (although we wanted to!!), how happy the winners were and also to remind you all...‘you’ve got to be in it to win it!!’
CHOCOLATE BASKET
FAMILY TICKET FOR 2 ADULTS & UP TO 3 CHILDREN
NAOMI & SON TOM
FAMILY TICKET FOR 2 ADULTS & UP TO 3 CHILDREN
FAMILY TICKET FOR 2 ADULTS & UP TO 2 CHILDREN
£20 VOUCHER (TO BE USED FOR ONSITE CAMPING/ EVENTS) ELLEN
A GRAZE BOARD & A GLASS OF FIZZ FOR 2 MANDY
THANK YOU
Just to let you know that we have been to the S42 Cafe for our prize. We were warmly welcomed, the staff were extremely pleasant and the food was not only delicious but plentiful (which is an understatement!).We enjoyed ourselves and will be recommending the Cafe to both friends and family. Thanks once again for the prize.
Mandy
Smokies & ‘Pies:
Football, Farce and Fond Memories from Mike Gyles
A football fan’s memoir that spans continents, characters, and comical chaos — all in the name of the beautiful game.
For anyone whose life has been shaped by a love of sport, Smokies & ‘Pies (with a hint of Tartare Tartan Sauce) is a must-read. In this charming and often hilarious memoir, Mike Gyles takes readers on a spirited journey across six continents—all fuelled by a passion for football that began in Arbroath and led him to become a dedicated follower of Notts County.
From thumbing rides across Scotland to smuggling a teasmade into Craven Cottage, Gyles captures the quirky, joyful, and occasionally absurd adventures that sport can bring. He recalls being chastised at school simply for loving the game, escaping a mugging in Malaga, clambering over fences at The Valley, and even an embarrassing wardrobe malfunction before a big match at Elland Road.
This isn’t just a book about football - it’s about the way sport weaves itself into life, from marriage and misadventure to camaraderie and resilience. Gyles’s dry wit and Scottish Presbyterian stoicism (“Wi wirnae put oan this planet to be happy”) shine through even the darkest defeats.
What sets this memoir apart is its unique blend of Northern humour, heartfelt nostalgia, and global perspective. Whether chatting with football legends or confronting hooligans, Mike’s tale is one that every sports fan can relate to—and laugh with.
Great service at a very affordable cost. We needed to replace our lounge carpet but were daunted by the prospect of having to move the suite, sideboard, bookcase and tv as they are too heavy for us and we have nowhere to move them to while the old carpet was removed and the new one fitted. Then I remembered seeing an advert in one of our local free magazines which said that T Nutt offered a service of removing the old carpet, moving furniture as necessary and fitting the new carpet before returning the furniture to its correct place - this seemed perfect for us so we paid them a visit. From our first visit to paying the bill on completion it was a real pleasure dealing with them. They have a good range of carpets, provide valuable advice based on their years of experience and arranged the supply and fitting on the date we requested. Their quote (a very competitive one) was a single price for everything with a promise of no added extras - they delivered to it. We were completely satisfied and would have no hesitation in recommending them.
Adventure Awaits: The New Way to Holiday
Holidays aren’t just about relaxing anymore—they’re about experiencing. More travellers are swapping sunbeds for adventure, craving the thrill of new places, cultures, and challenges. From trekking through the rainforests of Costa Rica to spotting wildlife in Sri Lanka or setting sail on expedition cruises to Antarctica, holidays are becoming all about discovery.
Whether it’s hiking rugged trails, exploring remote cultures, or cruising into the unknown, people are seeking experiences that inspire and challenge them. The world is bigger than ever in our imaginations, and it’s never been easier to explore. So why not make your next holiday an adventure?
If you're ready to turn your next trip into something extraordinary, I can help. Get in touch and let’s start planning your perfect escape.
THE SUMMER IS ONLY JUST BEGINNING!
COME AND ENJOY IT WITH…
A church family which meets in the heart of our community, you’re most welcome!
We represent a wide cross section of community, from young families, to 20s-30s, to more senior years, with a variety of nationalities.
We meet on Sunday mornings, 10.30am
The Genesis Centre, King St. Alfreton and midweek evenings we meet in homes around the area. FEEL FREE TO COME ALONG!
We will be running ALPHA soon
If you have a little faith, no faith or are just curious about faith, about life, about God and want to explore what it’s all about, in a friendly atmosphere, ALPHA is for you! Please do get in touch for details.
ENJOY A WONDERFUL SUMMER! Best wishes from all of us at New Life!
FOR MORE INFO. PLEASE CALL MARTYN & GILL ON; 01773 834708 OR email@nlcnd.org.uk
Slimming World Recipe Bakewell Trifles
Method:
1. Get your oven warmed up to 180°C/fan 160°C/gas 4.
2. Put the eggs and sweetener in a bowl over a pan of boiling water and whisk with an electric hand whisk for 5 minutes or until the eggs have tripled in volume. Take the bowl off the heat and sieve the flour over the top. Using a metal spoon and a figure-of-eight motion, fold the flour and the almond extract into the mixture, then spoon it into a small non-stick loaf tin. Bake for 10-12 minutes or until golden, then leave to cool in the tin.
3. Halve the sponge lengthways and spread with the jam, then
WEDNESDAY MORNING 9am
PALMER MOREWOOD MEMORIAL CLUB 36 Hall St, Alfreton, DE55 7BU
Tel : Sue: 07738 118 130
THURSDAY EVENING 5.30pm CHRIST THE KING, CHURCH HALL Nottingham Rd, Alfreton, DE55 7GL
: April: 07919 002
These sweet treats are the perfect combo of two true classics.
Perfect for a Summer party!
cut the sponge into small cubes and arrange in 4 tall glasses. Divide the halved cherries between the glasses, too.
4. Make up the jelly with 300ml boiling water and put to one side until it’s cooled to room temperature, making sure it doesn’t start to set. Divide between the glasses, then chill for 1 hour or until completely set.
5. When the jelly has set, stir the quark through the custard, spoon the custard over the jelly and top with the yogurt. Add the cherries and evenly scatter over the almonds to serve.
Burlington Hotel, Sandown Mon 25th Aug - Mon 1st Sep
8 Days - £650
MOBILE BOOKING OFFICE LOCATIONS
3rd
3rd Friday of each month 9am – 1pm | Sutton-in-Ashfield, Portland Square
Contact Sarah on 0115 849 2386
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AMBER VALLEY RUGBY CLUB
RUGBY FOR ALL AT AMBER VALLEY
MENS RUGBY: From seasoned players to total beginners, everyone’s welcome at Amber Valley RUFC. Monday night fitness sessions are in full swing - great for blowing off steam, getting fit, and having a laugh with the lads.
LADIES (AKA THE TIGERS ) RUGBY : The Amber Valley Tigers are all about fun, fitness, and fierce teamwork. Women’s rugby is thriving, and our Tuesday and Thursday fitness sessions are the perfect place to start. No experience? No worries - just bring a smile (and maybe some snacks).
MINIS & JUNIORS RUGBY: Junior rugby is full of fun, friendship, and muddy knees! It’s a great way for kids to build confidence, burn energy, and learn new skills in a safe, supportive environment.
GET INVOLVED!
Summer touch sessions run every Wednesday evening for all ages and abilities. Come join the Amber Valley rugby family WE’LL SAVE YOU A SPACE ON THE PITCH!
RUFC!
Interested in having a try call Stuart on 07966 867 946 for the men, Gareth 07595 520 537 for the ladies and Paul 07790 403 943 for the Minis and Juniors.
just a
STRENGTH . CONFIDENCE . COMMUNITY.
SMALL GROUP PERSONAL TRAINING
We are more than just a gym, we specialise in Small Group Personal Training (SGPT) and 1-1 Personal Training, giving you expert coaching, real results and a no nonsense approach to fitness.
For over 10 years, we’ve been helping people become stronger, fitter and healthier in a supportive and motivating environment.
Whether you thrive in a group setting or prefer a fully personalised plan, we’ve got you covered.
No matter where you’re starting from, we’re here to guide you every step of the way.
CHOOSE ONE OF OUR MEMBERSHIP OPTIONS
We will arrange a consultation by phone call or alternatively, arrange a time for you to pop down and visit the gym before purchasing your membership
Members typically purchase the 30 Day Start Up initially, before committing to one of our Monthly Memberships.
After purchasing a membership, an Onboarding Session will be scheduled, during which we will meet in person if that has not already occurred.
Mobility, stability, any restrictions, and current fitness level will be assessed during the Onboarding session and goals such as building strength, endurance, or fat loss will also be determined.
This will provide a clear starting point and allow training to be tailored accordingly.
Mr Jonathan Harper BSc(Hons) Podiatry. HCPC registered Podiatrist/Chiropodist, Member of the Royal College of Podiatry (RCPod)
20 Years NHS/private practice experience treating foot and ankle disorders for adults and children.
• Offering treatment for the following:
• Corns, calluses, other problematic skin problems. Thickened/fungal nails
• Infected ingrowing toenails ingrowing (Nails surgery under local anaesthetic available)
• Verrucas and warts (hands and feet)
• Fungal skin and nail infections
• High Risk group foot care and diabetic foot assessments
• Foot and ankle pain and sports injuries including injection therapy
Pitcherwits® are crossword puzzles where some of the clues are in pictures.
Sound easy? It’s not called “Pit-your-wits” for nothing! The mixture of cryptic and picture clues, combined with Professor Rebus’ unique sense of humour, will keep you entertained for hours.
Across 9 Member of climbing club (4)
10 Jut-land - which is bit of a mouthful? (4)
11 Give final, painful cry (5)
12 They’re probably not (even for gamblers!) (4)
14 Little bit of ammunition found in half an ammonite (4) Down
3 I’m optimistic that it’s cleaner inside (3)
4 Feeling belittled by the electric one (3)
6 Living with a big din? That’s awful! (7)
7 Back-chat from a kisser? (3)
13 Such a noise at a boarding-school! (3)
16 Curvy part of the hierarchy? (3)
17 Chilled out, but unwell (3)
Reduced foiled fob attempt (6,3)
Makes possible pole of second son, say (7)
Down, under places described and painted so (9)
Wee rats, nibbling away at woolly one (7)
Litre, 9 Easel, 11 Ashen, 12 Last act, 13 Draw the line.
Inter,
On the inside, 5 Clausal, 6 Hatchet, 10 Liszt, 11 Awake.
A dogs Day out
It’s been a bit hot for walking our furry friends recently but we found a rare cool and cloudy morning to take Flakey out for this much needed adventure.
It was well worth it too. This walk is brill. With a lovely mix of fabulous views, country paths and even a section in Sherwood Pines. There’s something for everybody and everydog!
7 MILE CIRCULAR WALK FROM VICAR WATER COUNTRY PARK
A moderate walk which should take you and your dog around 3 hours to complete. Most of the walk is on paths and trails but there are some lanes where there might be vehicles. Please wear appropriate footwear, especially if it has been wet! And, as always, follow the countryside code.
Starting Point:Vicar Waters Country Park, Mansfield Road, Clipstone, Notts NG21 9AA.
1. From the car park head towards the lake and then turn right, along a footpath keeping the lake on your left. After some distance pass by a metal gate eventually the footpath turns into a lane.
2. Pass’ Bridleways Guest House’ on your right. Shortly after, pass ‘Willow Barn’ on your left. After passing the barn turn left along a lane and signposted bridleway.
3. After some distance and just prior to the lane narrowing into a footpath, bear left and continue along a lane going gently uphill. After a short distance turn left and cross over a stile to continue on a gentle climb along a footpath. Continue along the path for some distance until reaching a stile.
4. Cross over the stile and then keep right staying on the main path. Continue along the main path ignoring all other paths to the left and right for some distance, and then pass by an information board and view point on your left.
5. From this point you will begin to descend twisting and winding as you go. After a marker post on your right, bear right at the information board to folllow a footpath.
6. Continue straight along this path and after a short distance you will begin to descend more sharply. At the bottom of the hill cross over a stile and then turn immediately left along a footpath.
7. Continue along this footpath keeping a lake on your right. Continue until crossing over a wooden footbridge and then turn right to continue along a single track tarmac road keeping the lake on your right.
8. Continue along the edge of the lake until reaching a car park. Staying with the edge of the lake pass through the car park and then over a small wooden footbridge. Immediately after the footbridge, ignore the path on the left and bear right staying with the edge of the lake.
9. After a short distance at a second fork in the path, bear left along a path moving away from the lake. After a short distance follow the main path through a ‘S’ bend passing some picnic tables on your left Continue along this path for some distance keeping a wooden fence on your left.
10. When the fence on your left ends, turn left off the main path onto a footpath. After a short distance and a sharp descent you will cross over a road bridge.
12. Immediately after the bridge pass by a metal gate. After, continue straight along a lane. The lane climbs gently uphill. Upon reaching a fork in the lane bear right and continue uphil. After a short distance you will come to a cross roads of lanes. Cross straight over and continue uphill.
13. After walking for some distance you will come to another crossroads of lanes. At this point turn right and continue straight ahead, passing marker post 10 and for some distance until reaching yet another crossroads of lanes.
14. Turn right again and continue for some distance until reaching a T junction of lanes. Turn right and continue for some distance until the lane begins to bend around to the right.
15. After a very short distance and at another crossroads of lanes with a number ‘6’ marker post on your right, turn left and head downhill along a lane. Continue until reaching the bottom of the hill, pass by a metal gate and pass under a bridge.
16. After passing under the bridge and after a very short distance at a fork in the path bear right and continue uphill. A little further on, and at another fork in the path, bear left and cross over a brick built bridge.
17. Continue straight ahead, climbing gently uphill, and ignore the first path off to the left, then after a short distance, and just prior to a T-junction, take the first path off to the left.
18. Continue along this path for some distance, passing under a canopy of trees. After emerging from the trees follow the path around to the right. Continue to pass some telegraph poles on your right.
19. Upon reaching a fork in the path bear right and pass immediately underneath a bridge. Eventually the path turns into a lane.
20. Continue straight until reaching a T junction of lanes. Turn right along a signposted bridleway and after a short distance pass by ‘Bridleways Guest House’ on your left. Continue straight along this path until reaching the start /finish point and car park.
11. After the bridge bear right to take a path up a short sharp incline. When this path meets another, bear left until this path meets with a lane. Bear left again and continue downhill to pass under a bridge.
This walk is for illustrative purposes only. Voice Magazines Ltd takes no responsibility for anyone who chooses to follow this route and encourages all walkers to obey all byelaws and signs and to respect the area they are walking in, ensuring they pick up all dog mess and obey the countryside code at all times.
All Around the Shire
MAKING DENS
During the school summer holidays, our days seemed endless and filled with adventure.
As children, we would roam about, finding woods in which to play and make dens.
Indoor dens were sheets, blankets or tablecloths draped over any permutation of furniture. A great escape from the reality of the home. This is where tea parties for teddies and dolls might be held, books read and imagination was king.
Outside dens would make use of a clothes horses (or a winter hedge as some called it) again with a covering. In good weather cushions would be allowed outside to furnish the tent. If the clothes line could be lowered, the sheet might be pegged over it. This was a child’s territory. No grownups necessary.
But the most adventurous dens were the ones in the woods. The venue had to be suitable: one with some shelter on the roof and sides and space for a small group of co-builders. Over time, the den would be enlarged and improved by
found bits of cardboard, metal or plastic. The very worst thing that could happen was for another group of children to find it, so secrecy and camouflage was the key.
Paul remembers making dens from disused air raid shelters, pill boxes and workmen’s huts. My memories are of woodland hideaways.
There is a special place in the hearts of children for spaces that are their own: places that are created by them and free from adult intervention.
Happy days.
HERITAGE TRUST
MORTS – WHAT’S IN A NAME
Mention the word Morts and immediately thoughts turn to the old school on Grange Street and perhaps to memories of Mr Dawes or even to Miss Cresswell who were the first Heads of the then separate Boys and Girls School when it opened in March 1939. Although opened by Alderman William Mortimer Wilson, Chairman of the County Education Committee, the school wasn’t to bear his name until the buildings were completed after the Second World War, completion having been delayed by economic factors in the main. It was the influence of Alderman William Mortimer Wilson that no doubt played a huge part in the building of the school, and it is fitting that he is remembered at the David Neiper Academy in the form of the “Mortimer Wilson Sports Hall” as is Wilfred Dawes O.B.E., the first Headmaster, remembered by the creation of a “Wilfred Dawes Memorial Garden.”
What then do we know about the man from whom Morts took its name?
William Mortimer Wilson was born in Alfreton on 30th September 1865, son of Joseph George and Mary Wilson, a Solicitor in the town. In 1871 the family lived at 16 Church Street, Alfreton, along with a cook, nurse and housemaid. William being a scholar at this time. He was later educated at Cheltenham and St John’s College, Oxford and subsequently articled as a solicitor to his father. In 1891 the family had moved to The Firs on High Street and in 1895 William entered public life being elected to the County Council
for the Alfreton No. 1 Division. In 1907 he was appointed Clerk to the Justices of Alfreton and Clay Cross and a Derbyshire County Council Alderman in 1909. This set the pattern for his public life being associated with many local organisations especially those to do with the church and education. He also served as a Lieutenant in the 8th Battalion, Derbyshire Volunteers.
William also took a keen interest in Freemasonry having joined the Royal Alfred Lodge in Alfreton on 8th March 1898. He held several important offices including Deputy Provincial Grand Master of Mark Masons in Derbyshire and was also a Past Grand Assistant Registrar. Prior to his death in 1941 he was also the senior Past Master of the St. Martin’s Lodge at Alfreton and a member of the 32nd degree.
William was married on 28th April 1917 at St Augustine’s Church, Queens Gate, London, to Grace Marion Wilson. Sadly, they didn’t have children and so his only legacy is that of public service for which he was held in great esteem by all who knew him.
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Death Metal MEETS DIVINE
Norwegian Rockers Crash Killamarsh Church BioBlitz
Killamarsh’s historic St. Giles Church played host to an unexpected — and rather unlikely — set of visitors during its busy BioBlitz wildlife event recently.
As families scoured the churchyard hunting for bugs, birds and blooms, the peaceful scene was shaken up by the arrival of Once Awake — a hard-edged death metal band from Norway.
The rockers, known for their thunderous riffs and bone-crunching beats, dropped in completely unannounced and asked for a personal tour of the 12th-century church itself — much to the surprise of organisers.
Despite death metal’s notoriously fraught relationship with religion, the band were on their best behaviour as they admired the ancient architecture, learned about the church’s iconic bells (recently restored thanks to a £76,450 National Lottery Heritage Fund grant), and explored the site’s 800 years of history.
Project manager Richard Godley admitted it was one of the more surreal moments of the day.
“They came out of nowhere — we thought they were lost at first! But they were incredibly polite, really fascinated by the church, and keen to hear about the bell restoration and local heritage. You couldn’t have written it — one minute we’re logging ladybirds, the next we’ve got a death metal band wandering round asking thoughtful questions about medieval stonework.”
The band were later spotted posing for photos outside the church before heading off to their next gig, leaving organisers and visitors slightly bemused but thoroughly entertained.
The rest of the BioBlitz event went ahead without a hitch, attracting scores of volunteers and nature lovers keen to record the wildlife thriving in St. Giles’ churchyard — from early bird walks and moth trap reveals to bug hunts and plant surveys.
Richard Godley added: “The visit of Once Awake may not have been on the schedule, but it certainly gave the day a very unexpected heavy metal twist.”
The BioBlitz event was part of a wider two-year project funded by The National Lottery Heritage Fund which has already successfully restored the building’s iconic bells and is researching the 800year history of the church.
Once Awake – surprise heavy metal guests from Norway
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Sue’s Maintenance Services
The Colonel’s Daughter by Rose Tremain feels like a book for people who like to read. That might sound a bit daft; but sometimes books can be about excitement or making you laugh or because you’re interested in a particular subject, or even because it’s the book that won the latest prize.
This book is a collection of short stories. And each is a separate world, from an elderly couple who try to break free of their boring middle class lives with a slightly ill-advised holiday in Florida to a young woman dealing in her own way with the consequences of an unwanted pregnancy. The characters are strong, vibrant, sometimes unlikeable, but each tale has the capacity to perfectly describe people’s lives and the author is brilliant at creating voices and giving you a snapshot of life, which you know actually tells a much bigger story.
Rose Tremain is a great observer of human nature and can be really funny, sometimes in a way that makes you wince. Her writing could be described as slightly offbeat, but she has a brilliant imagination and gives a satisfying sense of completion to every story.
She writes beautifully, hence the attraction for those who enjoy the reading process. And if you like her style, there’s a whole catalogue of novels to go at – some of which have won prizes
MIKE’S MUSINGS
English (as spoken by we Brits) must be a nightmare to learn
OK, it may not be as complex as some languages inasmuch as we don’t have masculine or feminine (or possibly even, these days, transgender!) nouns like the French or Spanish, and we do write using letters as opposed to the symbols used in some eastern Asian languages, plus we do read left to right unlike those deciphering Arabic, Urdu or Hebrew script, but despite all those benefits, we do have some very strange words and phrases.
I was at Trent Bridge in April for the opening day of the 2025 County Championship season. It was a lovely warm spring day, the cricket was entertaining, and many of the good-sized crowd were chatting away contentedly in the background, as I settled down to enjoy watching Notts v Durham.
It was then that I heard a lady behind me discussing with her friend, the personal characteristics of someone I assumed to be a mutual acquaintance.
“I like her,” she said, “but I reckon ‘she’s a few sandwiches short of a picnic’.”
Now, without knowing the person involved, I knew instantly – as I’m sure you do – the point she was trying to get across. It’s obvious to us that the woman referred to may be ‘two bricks short of a load’, ‘a sixpence short of a shilling’ and/ or ‘may have the lights on, but she’s rarely at home’
However, put yourself in the shoes of someone who is not a native English speaker, and you wouldn’t
have a clue, and that has got me thinking of the things we say in everyday conversation that, on the face of it, don’t make any literal sense.
Can you imagine the quizzical look you’d get from someone trying to master our language when you try to explain to them whether it should be an ‘i’ or an ‘e’ that comes first in e.g., the word receive, and you helpfully suggested that if they remembered that it was an ‘i’ before an ‘e’ except after ‘c’, and that “………….if you stick to that principle, ‘Bob’s your uncle’.”
Similarly, if you were to get friendly with someone who was learning English and suggested that in an effort to help them, they come over to your house one night for a ‘chinwag’, you can imagine the confusion.
You would, of course, simply compound the situation if, in your attempt to reassure them, you added, “I’m being deadly serious. I’m not ‘taking the Mickey’”, and then made a rapidly deteriorating, but well-intentioned offer, even worse by giving them your telephone number suggesting that when they are ready to come over, they just give you a ‘tinkle on the blower’.
I’ve got a few more ‘up my sleeve’ that I can use in future months, but reckon there may be many more that you, dear Voice Magazine reader, might want to share with me. If you do, and you’ve proved good at this over the years, let me know.
Mike is always glad to hear from you at: mike.musings@outlook.com
GARDENERS CALENDAR
Dashing into June, the garden seems to be shouting for our attention. But amid the abundance of containers and bedding plants, roses and early fruit, there is still time to plant.
On the eating side you can plant fast croppers such as French runner beans, peas, sweetcorn and outside cucumbers and continue setting away an ongoing lettuce crop to take you through to the first frosts. Remember with courgettes and cucumbers to keep them well watered and share your tomato feed with them as well. They like a good bed of home-grown compost to retain as much water as possible.
If you have weeds – and who doesn’t – keep them under control as much as possible as they will leach nutrients from the soil and are almost always very strong growers so may crowd out your crops and flowers. This is the time for the Chelsea chop if you want to do it. The name comes from the Chelsea Flower Show and is usually done around the same time – end of May/ early June. The aim is to cut your perennials back by a third to a half. You can use secateurs or shears and the chop will do a number of things. First it will make the plant bushier and less likely to flop and get damaged in wind. Secondly it will produce more flowers, though they may be smaller. Thirdly it may extend the flowering season. Some people like to do it for those reasons. Others prefer the larger blooms and think the weather will determine the flowering season and are prepared to stake their plants. Also, they might not like cutting back just at the time plants are flowering. Purely a personal choice, but worth thinking about.
TOP TIP
Don’t forget water for birds to drink and clean their feathers in. Clean feathers mean they can regulate their body temperature better. And log piles in a shady spot are good for frogs or other amphibians in the heat.
THE PEAK DISTRICT MANDARINS…..
I wrote previously about how exotic Mandarin Ducks, are spreading throughout the UK. Introduced to Britain from China and elsewhere in the Far East, escapees from captive populations established in the wild. There are now well-established and increasing feral populations, mainly in south-eastern England, but also in northern England, Wales, and more sparsely in Scotland. Colonisation is escapees from captivity in wildfowl collections followed by successful wild breeding. The main population is still in southern England but are widely dispersed pockets across the whole country, with birds from individual collections aggregating in their local patch. These gorgeous non-native ducks are mostly absent from the high ground of the Peak and Pennines and the low-lying areas of former fenland in east England, no doubt related to the scarcity of mature trees with suitable nest-holes.
generally nest in tree-holes sometimes located quite high up. Just a few days after hatching, female mandarins try to entice the youngsters to leave the nest site by leaping out and tumbling groundward. The female then leads the ducklings to a nearby waterbody where she will be rejoined by the male who then helps care for and protect the offspring. Apparently, the female will have done most of the work in incubating the eggs and consequently, suffers more stress and exhaustion and has relatively higher mortality rate with a population of only around 80% of the male birds. They also display remarkable behaviour called ‘intraspecific parasitism’ whereby females lay some eggs in the nests of other females. In some cases, up to 46% of clutches were parasitized. This means the workload for the females is shared and the risks from nest failure or predation are spread more widely between nest and broods. Spreading rapidly, in gardens close to rivers they will freely come to feed on bird-tables or on the ground.
These birds are amenable to life in park lakes and along riversides and are popular captive birds because of their remarkably spectacular plumage. Male mandarin ducks have elaborately, decorative plumage sporting distinctive orange feathers on the cheeks, purple chest, and large dorsal, orange feathers sticking up sail-like, and with pale, orangecoloured flanks. Females are duller with grey head and a distinctive white stripe behind the eye, a brown back and mottling on the lower sides. The males also have an amazing pink beak with a white tip.
Mandarins can be relatively shy birds, frequently hiding underneath overhanging tree branches along lakesides or riverbanks but gather in small flocks at favoured locations especially in winter. Unusual for waterfowl, these birds with long-term pair-bonds,
Professor Ian D. Rotherham, researcher, writer, broadcaster on wildlife and environmental issues in the Peak District and elsewhere, is contactable on ianonthewildside@ukeconet.org. Follow his website www.ukeconet.org, blog www.ianswalkonthewildside.wordpress.com/ & Twitter @IanThewildside Bluesky @ianthewildside.bsky.social
MANDARIN DISTRIBUTION MAP
MANDARIN DRAKE
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MANDARIN PAIR
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