Seasonal madness
W
e are coming upon mad cow season, when stricken bovines, sometimes masked, set upon terrified wilderness hikers of the human variety, most commonly in the Ouachita Mountains of western Arkansas. The resulting mad-cow disease doesn’t affect humans as gruesomely as rabies does — the symptoms more closely resemble those of Alzheimer’s disease — but it is incurable and ultimately fatal. The tragic part is, it’s fairly easy to escape from mad cows, as even healthyminded cows have a hard time maneuvering in the thick brush, the tight pinches and rocky defiles of the Ouachitas, and mad ones an even harder time. The mad ones mainly just lurch — more pitiable than threatening. If you keep your wits about you, you can get away from a deranged cow almost every time. If nothing else, climbing a sturdy tree will almost always foil them. They will work themselves into exhaustion trying to climb up there with you. A mad cow trying to climb a tree might be a funny sight if you’re not the one up the tree. An oddity here is that the mad cow, despite its fury, despite its lurchy determination, despite the ludicrousness of a hoofed quadruped trying to shinny a post oak, never ceases during its assault to swish away flies with its tail.
The mad cow might knock the tree over if the tree’s dead and brittle and no longer firmly rooted, but BOB it’ll not be able to LANCASTER climb it if it remains upright. If it succeeds in knocking your tree down, you can scramble to another one before it can cut you off. That’s presuming you aren’t immobilized by injury from the fall. If you are pinned down and hurt, you might indeed be in hazard — in which case it’ll do you no good to play possum. That might fool a mad bear but not a mad cow. Your last best hope in that situation might be a red-caped hiking companion who’ll divert the beast’s attention — mad cows have notoriously short attention spans, and even cows that aren’t mad can’t focus for long — or that a stranger on an ATV will appear unexpectedly and clatter past, with the cow staggering off in futile pursuit. I’d venture, though, that the odds of a serendipitous ATV appearance in that situation are not very good in your favor. Just pray that your destiny’s cow is not a longhorn. That it has no old rodeo scores to settle before it reincarnates whole again in Bombay.
We’re also incidentally entering madcrow season, and mad-crow disease is almost nothing like mad-cow disease even though there’s only one letter’s difference. A mad crow is nothing like one of the Angry Birds, either. That’s a different kind of mad. It’s even hard to tell a mad crow from one that’s unafflicted. They are about equally raucous, and diseased or not will dive menacingly at you if they surmise that you are unarmed. They recognize shotguns, deer rifles, and .22 rifles, and have a different contemptuous caw for each weapon, but they are most afraid of a paintball gun. It’s not the mortal danger to them that the other guns are, but they apparently fear being glopped with brightly colored and hard to remove paint even more than they fear death. The very idea of it offends their dignity unbearably. You’d have to be a crow to fully experience this peculiar phobia. No other birds have it, as far as I know. Jays might, to some small extent. Mad-crow disease does seem to exacerbate it. You outdoorsy types might also note that camp-meeting season has commenced, and hikers should beware of being waylaid by mad charismatics out practicing their woodland witnessing skills between brusharbor tonguing and rolling sessions. These people are normally reserved, even withdrawn, certainly not maniacal in the wildeyed sense that you see in the cartoon logo of the Mad Butcher, but the boonie revival
services are said to liberate them into a kind of bacchanalian frenzy that can become a threat to the woodland passerby. It’s something like confronting those mad cows. There’s a dark Dionysian element here that those temporarily enthused quickly repress and won’t discuss afterward, but one of the immediate consequences impossible of evasion, is that the charismatic conception rate peaks in the heart of camp-meeting season. And then the birth rate around the ides of March. There’s no good practical advice for trail pilgrims who find themselves beset by mad charismatics. You should circle your wagons if you have any. Phone 911. The conventional Ned Beatty/“Deliverance” wisdom of submission and acquiescence, until the frenzy runs its course and the concupiscent gang moves on, is not really a good idea, especially if venomous reptiles and poison ivy are known to be about. And there’s this: I don’t give credence to reports of a new malady, perhaps triggered by climate change or other environmental factors (fracking?), that is causing havoc amongst parochial populations of some of our tiniest insects. It’s generally called mad-gnat disorder. It might be more accurately called mad dog-peter gnat disorder but investigators thought that name might be more laughed at than cause for concern. Anyhow, something is up with the local dog-peter gnats, but I don’t see any cause for panic just yet.
ARKANSAS TIMES CLASSIFIEDS Legal Notices
DEVELOPING
LEADERS IN THE OIL AND GAS INDUSTRY
Are you an experienced Coiled Tubing Supervisor or Specialist? Cudd Energy Services (CES) provides a variety of quality oil and gas field services and equipment to independent and major oilfield companies in the U.S. and select international markets. We currently have immediate openings in Vilonia, AR for: Coiled Tubing Supervisors and Specialists • Minimum 3+ years’ experience required CES strives to provide a positive work environment by ensuring that our employees have: • Professional development opportunities • Career advancement options • Safe environments in which to work • Competitive wages and benefits • Excellent safety and service line training Here’s a glimpse at our benefits package: • Group Health, Life and Disability Insurance • Dental Insurance • Vision Plan • 401(k) Plan with Company Matching • Flexible Spending Accounts • Paid Sick Leave/Holidays and Vacations • Credit Union • Employee Assistance Programs www.rpc.net www.cuddenergyservices.com Equal Opportunity Employer
38 20,JUNE 20, 2012 ARKANSAS TIMES 2012 ARKANSAS TIMES 38 June
Interested and qualified applicants can apply in person at: Cudd Energy Services #7 Energy Way Vilonia, AR 72173 Or complete an online application at http://cuddenergyjobs. iapplicants.com/
CASe NO. 12-DI-0145 Dept. I IN THE NINTH JUDICIAL DISTRICT COURT OF THE STATE OF NEVADA IN AND FOR DOUGLAS COUNTY DAVID JAMES COHOE, Plaintiff, TARA LINDSEY NGUYEN COHOE, Defendant. THE STATE OF NEVADA SENDS GREETINGS TO THE ABOVE-NAMED DEFENDANT: You are hereby SUMMONED and required to serve upon plaintiff, DAVID JAMES COHOE, whose address is 10440 Maya Linda Road Apt. E305, San Diego, CA 92126, an ANSWER to the Complaint which is herewith served upon you, within 20 days after service of this Summons upon you, exclusive of the day of service. In addition, you must file with Clerk of this Court, whose address is shown below, a formal written answer to the complaint, along with the appropriate filing fees, in accordance with the rules of the Court. If you fail to do so, judgment by default will be taken against you for the relief demanded in the Complaint. This action is brought to recover a judgment dissolving the contract of marriage existing between you and the Plaintiff. The filer certifies that this document does not contain the social security number of any person. Dated this 14 day of March, 2012. TED THRAN Clerk of Court by Deputy Clerk Ninth Judicial District Court P.O. Box 218 Minden, NV 89423 June 20, 2012
Employment Womens Ministry Manager
Manager, Clothing Ministry
Qualifications: 1. Born again Christian 2. Two years experience in either teaching Sunday school class or Bible studies or other Christian related experience. 3. Computer literacy 4. Able to relate to different Christian groups in seeking their assistance in ministering women 5. Ability to relate to women served 6. Must be willing to continue to educate yourself in Rescue Mission work Duties: 1. Maintain personal faith by attending church and keeping up with personal bible studies 2. Provide drection and supervision in the following areas: a. Social Service: intake, record keeping, goal planning, case management, etc. b. Spiritual Service: couseling, group sessions c. Maintenance: general cleaning, ordering supplies, providing a friendly, home-like atmosphere d. Supervise staff: train, define duties, provide direction keep detailed records e. Supervise volunteers: recruit, train, schedule when asked to -Benefits available Contact: Rosemary Holloway Little Rock Compassion Center Little Rock, AR 72204 501-296-9114
Qualifications: Must be a born-again Christian, attending church regularly. Must have a valid drivers’ license with a clean record. High School diploma or equivelant Dress code: business, casual Job Description: Arranging for clothing drives and food drives with churches and other organizations. Work to get new cardboard accounts and set up collections. Supervising cardboard accounts and drivers. Finding locations for donation boxes for clothing drop off. Finding locations for setting out a trailer with volunteers for donation drop off. Arrange route for emptying and cleaning donation boxes once or twice a week. Responsible to see that trucks and trailers are cleaned out every night and washed when needed. Responsible to do maintenance checks daily (fuel, tires, lights). Only drivers approved by C.E.O. drive trucks. Any other duty that the C.E.O. deems necessary.Must attend and participate in annual banquet. Must continue to educate yourself in rescue ministry.(attendance at some conventions may be required) - Benefits available Contact: Rosemary Holloway Little Rock Compassion Center 3618 W. Roosevelt Rd. Little Rock, AR 72204 501-296-9114
Guardian Healthcare Providers Inc.
is looking for LPN’s to work Per Diem at a Development Center in Conway. Competitive Pay. Interested applicants please call
Erika at 1-888-227- 8218.
Business Opportunities
CASH FOR CARS: Any Car/Truck. Running or Not! Top Dollar Paid. We Come To You! Call For Instant Offer: 1-888-420-3808 www. cash4car.com
Adopt
TV Producer & Counselor in 30s, big extended family, yearn for precious 1st baby to devote our lives. Expenses paid .
800-379-8418
❤❤❤❤❤❤ ALEX & ALLISON