Volume 6.1 Fall 2010 5770
KallahMagazine
• Inspiration • Insight • Information • Ideas •Shopping
In this issue:
Transfigured by Love The Great Escape The Bedecken Looking Good: Fall Trends, Techniques and Tips A Bride’s Crowning Glory Ms. Maven on Equal Treatment Kallah in the Kitchen: Baking Challah
Visit us online at KallahMagazine o com where wedding planning and more is right at your fingertips
Vol.6 no. 1 Fall 2010 /5771
Table of Contents
From the publisher:
Torah Insight
This is the third issue to come out in the new format that was adopted with the Pesach 2010 issue. Of course, the magazine itself has been around a lot longer than that. With this issue, we enter the sixth year of publication, so we’ve come quite a long way! The new format offers an advantage over the PDFs in that it does not require downloading and allows the links to function. When you see links in the articles that offer more information, a click will take you there. Note that you can still see the the previous 2 issues in the new format, as well as PDFs of the print issues going back a year at http:// kallahmagazine.com The gmach listings are now not included in individual issues, though the line to the Directory page that contains them is in the table of contents. As gmachs are subject to change, going to the site assures you that you have the most up to date information. The Directory page also lists goods and services of interest to kallahs. To keep the categories organized, apparel, makeup, sheitels, etc. are listed separately at http://kallahmagazine.com/ LookingGood.htm. For the practical issues of the wedding, see the a index at http://kallahmagazine.com/ WeddingAdvice.html and the articles on the meaning of the Jewish rituals at http://kallahmagazine.com/ JewishWedding.html I wish all my readers and advertiser a wonderful Yom Tov and a kesiva vechasima tova. We should all merti to taste the sweetness in a good year.
Ariella Brown
The Great Escape by Rabbi Chaim Brown The Bedecken by Ariella Brown
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Advice Transfigured by Love by Ariella Brown 2 Looking Good: Fall Tends, Techniques, and Tips by Lulu 9 A Bride’s Crowning Glory 13 Ms. Maven Responds: Equal Treatment 17
Features Kallah in the Kitchen: Baking Challah by Ariella Brown Gmach listings online at
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http://kallahmagazine.com/serv04.htm
*Note: for chol hamoed outings that won’t break the budget, check out the many options at http://www. examiner.com/jewish-bridal-in-new-york/don-tknock-a-cheap-date-part-1-of-8
Stay in the loop with updates at http://www.facebook.com/KallahMagazine You can also read my posts at Kallahmagazine.blogspot.com, and http://www.examiner.com/jewish-bridal-innew-york/ariella-brown and at http://twitter.com/AriellaBrown
Kallah Magazine is published by Write Way Productions at 52 Columbia Avenue, Cedarhurst, NY 11516 For more information, email editor@kallahmagazine.com or call 516-791-3904 during business hours. ©2010 Kallah Magazine and Write Way Productions. All rights reserved. Kallah Magazine reserves the right to print and edit submissions, including stories, articles, and letters in part or in full unless specifically requested otherwise. No articles, photographs, artwork, or other material in this publication -– both in print and web form – may be reproduced in any manner without explicit permission of the publisher. Kallah Magazine is not responsible for typographical errors or accuracy of advertisers’ claims.
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Transfigured by Love by Ariella Brown
What’s love got to do with the power of tshuva? Reish Lakish makes two observations on the power of tshuva [repentance] in Yoma 86B. First he declares: “Great is tshuva, for through it zdonos [intentional sins] are transformed into shgagos [accidental actuibs].” Then he declares: “Great is tshuva, for through it zdonos are transformed into zchuyos [merits].” The first instance refers to tshuva miyira [out of fear], which only subtracts the offense, while the second refers to tshuva m’ahava [out of love], which transforms the offense into a positive addition. The power of tshuva to erase what we regret having done is a great thing. Yet there is an even greater power to it, one that does not just leave a blank in place of the blot of the sin but that turns it into the mark of merit. The key difference is the motivation for tshuva.
But when there is a deeper connection to the one offended, the regret is not only for the action itself but for harming the relationship. If one’s tshuva is motivated by fear of the negative consequences for deliberate sins, they are effectively erased by reclassifying the zdonos as shgagos. That is akin to expressing regret for having committed an offense and, consequently, getting the punishment waived. Say, you cut in front of someone in line. Realizing that you behaved badly, you apologize and go to the back of the line. That is sufficient to have your offense erased and not be remembered as a selfish person. But when there is a deeper connection to the one offended, the regret is not only for the action itself but for harming the relationship. For example, lying to someone in your family entails the general offense of the lie plus a betrayal of the trust implicit in a close relationship. Tshuva m’avava means that your regret is not just out of concern for the consequences to yourself but for the rupture in the relationship to one you love caused by your action. The desire for tshuva in that case is a desire to re-establish your relationship. That resolution is powerful enough to transform the point of rupture into a new knot of connection. In the course of married life, there are many opportunities for rupture between spouses. They can range from major life decisions, like where to live, to minor ones, like what to have for dinner. Ignoring them does not make them go away. Just as in the process of tshuva, offenses between spouses have to be brought to light so that they can be sorted out. For example, a
new husband has an old cereal bowl that he has used as a child at home and in his dorm. As he feels attached to it, he brings it with him to his marital home. In his wife’s eyes, the bowl is a rather battered piece of plastic that is not fit to be seen alongside their beautiful, new set of dishes, so she tosses it. The next morning her husband takes out the cereal and looks for his usual breakfast bowl. When he can’t find it, he asks his wife where she put it. “That old thing? I threw it out! Use one of our nice new bowls.” What she doesn’t realize in being so casual about it is that her husband is upset that she took something that he was attached to and got rid of it without asking him first. Though he can remain silent about it, avoiding the confrontation would not give his wife the opportunity to clear her transgression. If he explains his point of view, his wife should not say, “ It’s just a cheap plastic bowl!” Instead, she should feel sorry that her husband finds what she did inconsiderate. Her regret attests to the fact that if she had known what the effect would be, she would have acted differently. Consequently, she would be forgiven as a shogeg, one who acts without malicious intent. But she can take it a step beyond that. She can realize that this about more than just the bowl in question; it is about not taking it for granted that her husband would see things her way. Appreciating this and applying it to other situations would transform the zadon of throwing out the bowl into merit as a reminder to check with her husband on future. Likewise, if a husband schedules something for the day his wife expected they would celebrate an anniversary, he can turn the negative into a positive, not by being defensive, but by sincerely apologizing for something she felt diminished their connection and resolving to mark his calendar with the date in future.
The transformative power of tshuva is is a classical lesson for the Yamim Noraim [Days of Awe] when we focus on spiritual cleansing to achieve tshuva. In the days between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, we regard ourselves as beynonim – neither wholly wicked nor wholly righteous – and we seek to tip the balance to the side of righteousness through tshuva. While tshuva meyira removes the negative weight, tshuva meahava actually succeeds in transposing it to the positive side, as the zdonos become zchuyos. Love has the power the transfigure our actions in our relationship with Hashem and with each other, especially with our spouses. .
Kallah Magazine
Fall 2010 / 5771
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The Great Escape by Rabbi Chaim Brown
“On Rosh HaShana Yosef emerged from prison.” (Rosh HaShana 10b) Our sages did not reveal to us that Yosef left prison on Rosh HaShana merely as a point of historical trivia to file in our memory. What happened to Yosef on this particular day reveals what Rosh Hashana should mean for us as well. The Sefas Emes writes that within each one of us there is a spark of Yosef Hatzadik. Though outwardly Yosef may have been imprisoned in an Egyptian dungeon and then later immersed in the affairs of Egyptian society around him, inside he remained a tzadik, a righteous man, true to the values and ideals that he learned in his father’s home.
On Rosh HaShana our inner Yosef Hatzadik finally can break free of its shackles and energize us, like Yosef, to “rule over Mitzrayim,” to overcome the narrow spiritual constraints that bind us during the year so we can experience a new beginning of spiritual growth. We too find ourselves immersed in and imprisoned by various aspects of our lives. “Shades of the prison-house” do, indeed, fall upon us as we find ourselves immersed in the petty attractions of materialism. Economic burdens, health problems, and daily struggles fetter our spirit. However, underneath the embroiled surface, there remains a spark of holiness that yearns to escape. Rosh Hashana is our chance for that spark to be released. The root of the name for Egypt, Mitzrayim, is tzar, meaning narrow or constrained. On Rosh HaShana our inner Yosef Hatzadik finally can break free of its shackles and energize us, like Yosef, to “rule over Mitzrayim,” to overcome the narrow spiritual constraints that bind us during the year so we can experience a new beginning of spiritual growth. This idea may shed light on the meaning of the verse in
Tehillim[Psamls] (81:4), “Tiku bachodesh shofar ba’keseh l’yom chageinu,” [Blow the shofar on the new moon, at the appointed time for our holiday.] The Gemara (Rosh Hashana 8b) reads the words as an allusion to Rosh HaShana. The word “keseh,” in addition to its literal meaning of “appointed time,” alludes to the idea of “kisuy,” covering, concealment. What is the only holiday which occurs when the moon is concealed, when it is merely a sliver in the night sky? That is on the holiday of Rosh HaShana, which arrives with the new moon of the month of Tishrei. Yet perhaps this allusion tells us not only when the shofar should be blown, but also how to do so properly. The shofar must be blown, “ba’keseh,” using that hidden strength of the spark of Yosef Hatzadik that lies concealed and hidden within each of us during the year but which can break free on Rosh Hashana. Our efforts to free our internal spark of Yosef are doomed to failure if we work at it alone. “Ain chavush matir atzmo m’beis ha’asurim” – a prisoner cannot free himself from jail; overcoming constraints requires the help of others. No matter how hard each of us individually try this Rosh HaShana to release that portion of Yosef Hatzadik within ourselves, there is no way we can be successful unless we help each other. Only by pooling our efforts, talents, and ideas, can we break the barriers which constrain our growth. Rabeinu Yonah opens his classic work, Sha’arei Tshuvah [The Gates of Repentance] with a parable. Imagine prisoners confined to a jail cell with no escape. What would happen if suddenly an escape route, a way out of that prison was found? Surely every prisoner would flee! What prisoner would just sit there and fail to take advantage of such an opportunity for freedom? Elul, Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur – these are our opportunities to do tshuvah properly and escape our spiritual prison. Yosef’s release paved the way for us. It is up to us to take advantage of the opportunity.
Find more divrei Torah by Rabbi Chaim Brown archived at http://kallahmagazine.com/DivreiTorah1.htm and on his blog, http://divreichaim.blogspot.com/
Kallah Magazine
Fall 2010 / 5771
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The Bedecken by Ariella Brown
You may see the word spelled bedeken or badeken badecken, or badekin as there are no hard and fast rules about the English spelling of Yiddish words. In any case, the terms refers to the veiling of the bride. The Ashkenazic custom is for the groom, accompanied by friends and relatives who sing and dance around him, to approach the bride and pull the veil down over her face. This is one of the key moments that any Jewish wedding photographer knows is a musthave shot. As many couples avoid seeing each other for a week before the wedding, the bride and groom have not seen each other for some time before this moment. The joy they feel at seeing each other for the first time after that absence is reflected in their faces, and, hopefully, captured in digital images. The veiling is traditionally followed by the bride getting blessed by her father, mother, and, possibly, grandparents who lay their hands over her head -- another great picture moment.
In his book, Beyom Chasunaso: An Explanation and Analysis of of the Laws and Customs of a Jewish Wedding (2007), Rabbi Zev Cinamon gives another reason for the groom’s role in the veiling. According to some opinions, the bedeken, in spreading a covering over the bride constitutes the chuppah. Consequently, they would suggest that the groom be the one who owns the veil that he spreads over his bride. Some would even designate witnesses for the bedeken as an actual act of marriage (Cinamon 37).
You may be wondering, why the bride is to be veiled and why the job of putting on the veil is given to the groom, especially given the fact that most men are rather clueless about women’s accessories -- bridal or otherwise. Rest assured, there is a reason for it. As everyone watches the bride walk down the aisle, the veil gives her some small measure of privacy. Nevertheless, at your average Orthodox Jewish wedding, the wedding veil will be made of the standard tulle or illusion fabric, which is very close to sheer. Hasidic brides, on the other hand, do wear opaque veils that completely obscure their faces. Happily, the bride is not left to make her way on her own, so her blocked vision should not result in any missteps. The custom of the veil goes back to really ancient history. Brides
would cover their faces out of modesty. We see that in the Bible when Rivka [Rebecca] is brought over to her groom, Yitzchak [Issac], she covers her face. In the next generation, the cover of the bridal veil prevented Yaakov [Jacob] from realizing that he was, in fact, marrying Rachel, for his duplicitous father-in-law put her sister, Leah, in her place. To avoid such bridal switches, the groom ascertains that the woman behind the veil is the woman he means to marry by putting it on himself. Some also suggest that putting on the veil points to the groom’s obligation to provide for his wife’s clothing and other essentials, as stipulated in the kethuba
Some people like to ascribe further meaning to the veil, pronouncing it a symbol of the fact that what’s inside is the real measure of a person rather than physical beauty. But I haven’t seen that reason in historical written sources. It also does not completely fit the custom of declaring the bride to beautiful and kind. According to the ruling of Hillel, which trumped the ruling of Shamai, the proper thing to say at a wedding is, “kallah na’ah vechasuda,” regardless of the objective assessment of the bride in question. We literally sing the bride’s praises by declaring her to be beautiful, as well as good.
See the article on veil and headpiece styles in this issue. For an index of articles on the varied aspects of the Jewish wedding, see http://kallahmagazine.com/JewishWedding. html
Kallah Magazine
Fall 2010 / 5771
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Kallah Magazine
Fall 2010 / 5771
Looking Good: Fall Trends, Techniques, and Tips By Lulu
Fall colors
.Focus
on the eyes
Cooler temperatures are on their way, along with shorter days and the beautifully colored leaves that herald the arrival of fall. A change of season brings with it a new color palette in clothes and make-up. Just like the gray sky, one of the most prominent colors of this season is going to be gray, in both dark and light shades. The perfect complement to the grays is found in the other dominant color of the season -- purple. You’ll be seeing it in rich plum, as well as the shades named for flowers, like lilac, lavender, and violet.
The eyes still have it with the smoky look as the focal point for the face, which calls for understated makeup elsewhere. Say goodbye to the glow and shimmer foundation. Opt for nude shades for lips and a matte base for the face. Keep attention riveted to your eyes with thick eyelashes. Some women fill in their own lashes with false ones. You can also use mascara primers to increase the volume of your own lashes. To achieve the smoky eye effect, the first thing to remember is that the rim of the eye should
The Fall 2010 forecast for the look of the season as shown by Chanel
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or “I’m not into makeup; the most I wear is gloss and mascara.” Clear communication is essential to be sure that you are both on the same page for your make-up application. Then your artist will use her expertise to create the perfect look for you for your wedding day. After all your bridal makeup is all about you, so the happier you are, the happier your artist will be!
always be the darkest part of the eye make-up. Use the eyeliner on the top, bottom and inside of your eyes. Apply shadow on the eye lid up until the crease. Gradually fade the color away as you extend up and out from the crease. For a glamorous effect, use a light shimmery color on your brow bone, right below your eyebrow, and in the inner corner of the eye.
Lulu’s love of make-up artistry began at the age of five, when she was allowed to let loose with her mother’s make-up kit. She graduated from the Yarin Shahaf School of Make-Up Art in Israel and has been working at her passion for ten years across a number of countries and continents. She currently resides in New York where she is available for make-up and lessons in the art of application. As she says, “Make-up artistry always grows, changes and evolves, and the only way to stay on top of your game is to know and understand there is always more to learn. Love the art. Be the art!” She has become her art on models for fashion shoots, live shows, and television. But she especially loves making up brides to look and feel their best. She can be reached at lulumua9@yahoo.comon or by phone at 312.912.1663.
For fall brides As an autumn bride, there are a few things you should keep in mind concerning your make-up application. Though you may still want to preserve the sun kissed glow of a summer tan, applying tons of bronzer is not going to achieve the look you want. The end result will look overdone and frankly fake. Instead, bring out your color to advantage with blush applied to the apples, towards the cheek bone, with a deeper shade for contour, finished off with a touch of bronzer. That will give you just enough color to suggest a soft tan with a natural radiance to complement the white of your bridal gown. If you have the coloring to go with darker shades for lips, it is a flattering look for a fall wedding. Just keep in mind that if you have not applied a bold lip color before, your wedding day is not the time to try it out for the first time. Feeling comfortable and like yourself when you look in the mirror is the most important thing.
Communication is key to the look you want To find which shades best compliment your skin tone and harmonize with the season of your wedding, discuss your options with your make-up artist. If you have a specific look in mind, describe what you pictured for your eyes, lips, etc. It is also helpful to express your general attitude toward make-up, whether it is, “I wear make-up all the time -- even if I’m staying home,”
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You can view more of Lulu’s work on www.bragadoo.com/ lulumua9 or join her friends on Facebook where she is listed as Lulu Mua. Look for the official website www.lulumua. com coming this fall
Kallah Magazine
Fall 2010 / 5771
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Kallah Magazine
Fall 2010 / 5771
A Bride’s Crowning Glory Headpieces sit on the head differently, so pick one that will complement the shape of your face and hairdo, as well as the style of your gown. While one of the options includes a hat with a veil attached, that look is not currently popular with brides who are generally choosing headpieces that work with their hair style. Style options include:
Princess Grace’s veil was attached to a Juliet cap
Backpiece: any headpiece that attaches to the hair at the back. It is often a bow or cluster of flowers, though it could also be an arrangement of beads or pearls as in the picture here. Bun Holder or Wrap: a small to medium sized circular headpiece that wraps around a bun that usually is decorated with flowers, beads, or lace. Butterfly: a partial headband that arcs over the top of the head but does not extend all the way to the ears.
Combs: while they serve a function to hold a veil down, they can also serve in lieu of a headpiece when trimmed with jewels, flowers, or feathers; close together teeth will hold more securely than widely spaced ones. Fascinator: a concoction of feathers, ribbons, beads, flowers, or a combination of them attached to a headband. clip, or comb. These types of headpieces are not confined to bridal occasions, but in white with a birdcage veil attached, they top off a sophisticated bridal look. Headband: usually a design of flowers and/or pearls going all across. Jeweled Pins & Sticks: an alternative to a single headpiece; these hair ornaments can embellish your updo or add some sparkle to a standard hairstyle with pearls, flowers, or crystals. Juliet Cap: a small cap that covers the crown of the head,; today this style suggests a retro look. Tiara: a crown, which can feature crystal, pearls, flowers, or any combination of the above, sits on top of the head. Vines: a wire base adorned with jewels or flowers produces a
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headpiece that is flexible enough to wrap around an updo or to frame the head with hair worn down.
netting set at the side near the ear to covers both eyes with a subtle angle.
Wreath of Flowers: this is worn on the crown of the head, some Birdcage: the same style of veil as you would see on some elegant may extend to the forehead, while others sit further back. Wreaths retro hats, it incorporates a net fabric that wraps close to the head are a popular adornment for flower girls, too. A kallah could also and ends above the chin or even above the nose. The veil could skip the headpiece and add a blooming touch with flowers woven be attached to a pillbox hat or a fascinator, defined among the into her hair or with a flower comb for a less formal look. You headpieces. can make these out of fresh flowers, but then you would have to have great confidence in your florist getting the measurements Blusher: short over-the-face veil that just grazes the chin. a chapel length veil exact, as you will only get to ascertain Cathedral: measures 108” for a that the finished product is a perfect dramatic sweep. fit on the wedding day instead. Silk flower wreaths can look perfectly Chapel: Measures up to seven lovely and offer more peace of mind. feet from the crown of you head, so that up to two feet will trail Where to shop for the headpiece? behind you. If you shop for a headpiece in a salon, Elbow Length: shows off any you are likely to spend more than you detailing at the waist of the have to. Even the rental charges often gown. This style is especially exceed what it would cost you to buy flattering to petite brides less if you know where to shop. While I than 5’4” tall. would not recommend that anyone but a truly skilled seamstress attempt Fingertip: 38-45” in length -to sew a wedding gown, that is not falls to the hip line. Choose the the case with headpieces, which can length according to your height, be very easily put together. Check so that it won’t fall to the point out the headpieces, veils, and kits for just above the knee. customizing in craft supply stores like Michael’s. You know that gorgeous Flyaway: multi-layered veil that headpiece you saw in a salon for $250, just brushes the shoulders, up to you can duplicate it for a fraction of 18” long. Though it is considered the price without any sewing skills. less formal than longer veils, it may be the choice for a bride who wants the back detail of her gown uncovered.
Then of course, you can borrow. A friend or relative who got married recently may have her headpiece just sitting in the closet. She will probably be happy to lend to you because, unlike dresses, headpieces do not require expensive dry cleaning or alterations for each wearing. Many gmachs [see the listings at http://www. kallahmagazine.com/] will return the full deposit paid when the headpiece is returned undamaged.
Mantilla: A Spanish style, lace trimmed veil that is secured directly to the head without an additional headpiece. by a comb.
Should you consider a birdcage?
Monarch or Regal: 120”long, for a really royal effect.
You might, if prefer a more modern, sophisticated look than that of the traditional longer veils. It happens to be very popular among chic brides. Here are some other terms to know when selecting your wedding veil: Angle: a version of birdcage, it features a length of 11”-13” of
Princess: veiling that is approximately 60” in length. It comes to about your knees. Waltz or Ballerina: at 81” falls to just above the ankles, the point at which a tea-length dress will fall.
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Fountain: a slight pouf at the top of the head cascades down to shoulder or elbow length, shoulders also may be referred to as a bubble shaped.
Veils could be finished and embellished in various ways.
Kallah Magazine
Fall 2010 / 5771
Cut Edge: has nothing added, also known as Raw Edge
Fascinator paired with an angle birdcage veil
Embroidered Edge also known as Pencil Edge provides a subtle definition. Pleated Veil: designed by folding the netting to create “pleats” to create a dimensional look. Satin Edge: Available as a rounded cord that measures approximately 1/8” wide or in Satin Ribbon in a variety of widths. Scalloped Edge: features an Embroidered edge stitch to the veil whose edges have been cut in a rounded scallop pattern. Scatter Embellishment: Pearls, rhinestones, or crystal distributed throughout the veil. You can also opt to have pearls or rhinestones strung along the edge. Soutache Edge: 1/8” wide flat braided satin band that gives effects similar satin cord. You can add color either by selecting a sheer veil fabric with a whisper of color or by selecting a colored trim for the edging. The rule of thumb is to select the gown first and then a veil that works well with its style, color, detailing, and train length. Also be sure it’s not too complicated to get the front veil on for the bedecken [veiling]. You can choose a veil style and then attach it to a headpiece or select a headpiece with a veil already attached.
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Kallah Magazine
Fall 2010 / 5771
Ms. Maven Responds: Equal Treatment Dear Ms. Maven, You know how they say, “when it rains it pours?” That’s how it’s been for us. We made two weddings in the past 7 months, and now we’re set for a third. We’re very happy, of course, but it’s been a bit tough, too. I t seems like we just finished paying off one wedding when the bills for the next one start. Those included air fares to bring our daughter and son-in-law to New York from Israel for our second daughter’s wedding last month. Now our son is to get married in Israel. While one married sister is already living there, the other is here. The question is what to do about her. Their income barely covers their living expenses, and I don’t think it fair to ask them to deplete their savings when they are just starting out. I really would like the whole family at the wedding, though. So I asked my husband about buying the tickets for them even though our own finances have been rather strained by having so these weddings so close together. He told me that he is willing to cover the cost of our daughter’s ticket but that he would not offer to pay for her husband’s. Do you think that would be a good solution? -Concerned Mother
Ms. Maven responds: I am very glad that you are asking before you offer that solution to your daughter. Otherwise, your letter would probably have ended with, “Our daughter seems upset with us and we don’t understand why.” If that had happened I would explain that such the offer your husband proposed, though, ostensibly generous, is actually rather hurtful. The ramifications of making such an offer should, certainly, give you pause. Our Sages warn parents not to treat their children differently by evoking what happened in the Torah: “Because of just two selaim’s worth of silk that Yaakov gave Yosef beyond what he gave his other sons, his brothers grew jealous. Subsequently, our fathers went down to Egypt” Shabbos 10b).
Implicitly, by extending the offer only to your daughter and not to her husband, you are saying that he does not count as part of the family.
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Consider the context you delineated. The reason your husband is willing to shell out the cost of a ticket even when he is not exactly flush with funds is because it is important to you to have your family participate in the wedding. Implicitly, in extending the offer only to your daughter and not to her husband, you are saying that he does not count as part of the family. That really sends the message that you don’t consider him of consequence. Even on its own, that can be very hurtful, but it is compounded by the contrast of your treatment of your other son-in-law. Moreover, you are implicitly suggesting that your daughter take leave of her husband of just a few months to take a major trip for this family celebration. Shana Rishona, the first year of marriage, is designated as period for the new husband and wife to focuse on each other. Just as husbands are supposed to stay at home and not travel away during that year, wives should not go off for a week or so without their husbands. Though parents are not obligated to pay the travel expenses of their married children, they are obligated to offer equal treatment. You already set the benchmark of expectations in the previous weddings. It is wrong to change the standard, which de facto favors one child over another. As you said, when you made arrangements for this daughter’s wedding, you made certain that your other daughter and her husband would be able to come without any imposing any hardship on them by paying for both their tickets. Granted, at the time of the previous wedding, you may have had more money to spare and did not anticipate that the need for overseas travel for a family wedding would arise so soon. Nevertheless, a parent should anticipate the expectations their children will have based on past performance. Now your husband’s exclusion of your daughter’s husband makes it look like he is stinting on her and snubbing her husband. Is that likely to fill her with warm family feelings? On the contrary, you would be sowing negative feelings, and they are very difficult to remove once they’ve taken root. You indicated that you are not flush, but not exactly broke either. In this case, you should find something else to stint on, rather than your daughter’s husband. You could easily shave a thousand dollars or even more off your share of the wedding bill by renting silk flower arrangements from a gmach rather than buying fresh ones from a florists, or eliminating liquor, or taking a smaller band, or shopping around for a better deal on a wedding photography package.
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It is more important to the greater shalom bayis [family harmony] to avoid any hint that you consider this daughter’s husband expendable than to make an impressive affair. If you really cannot cut back on wedding plans, you can scale down the plans for the aufruf . If you were thinking about a big kiddush in shul, rethink it on a less lavish scale. You can save on expenses by setting out the kiddush in your home or that of a friend with more space if your home is really too small. Even if you buy all prepared foods and cakes, you save on the shul charge, waiter costs, etc. Preparing some of the food yourself and selecting inexpensive paper goods will reduce your cost even more. If you were considering a large, catered sheva brachos , scale back to shave hundreds, and possibly thousands, off the cost. It is more important to the greater shalom bayis [family harmony] to avoid any hint that you consider this daughter’s husband expendable than to make an impressive affair.
Don’t offer one child what you cannot undertake for all the siblings. In the interest of fairness, for all future such occasions, remember to take the long-term view. Don’t offer one child what you cannot undertake for all the siblings. That is important to remember, not only for the weddings but for the births of o grandchildren. While you may get all enthusiastic about the first and want to promise to pay for everything, consider if you will be able to fulfill that promise for all the ones that could follow. You do not want to mar their happiness with disappointment in you. Keep track of the wider picture and get your priorities in order to be sure the simchas are truly joyous occasions as your family grows through marriages and births. Mazel tov, and I wish you nachas from your family simchas.
Find more advice from Ms. Maven and other experts at http://kallahmagazine.com/Advice.htm. Subsections for the advice category include Dating and Engagement advice, Wedding advice, and Shalom Bayis advice.
Kallah Magazine
Fall 2010 / 5771
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Kallah Magazine
Fall 2010 / 5771
Kallah in the Kitchen: Baking Challah by Ariella Brown
the need for grease, flour, or baking spray. Plastic wrap is a good option for covering the challah dough while it rises to prevent it from drying out. You do not need one of the decorated challah covers sold in judaica stores for this, and I doubt there is any real hiddur mitzvah in using one, as the mitzvah really is in the removal and burning rather than the rising. All you need are the basics, the know-how, and enough time to allow for rising. You donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have to limit yourself to using honey on the outside of the challah; you can also use it in the dough itself, for a distinctive sweet flavor that also improves texture. Honey is one of the ingredients in my regular challah recipe. This recipe is particularly easy to work with because it all done in one bowl with no extra step for dissolving the yeast. You do have to some kneading, but the dough hook attachment takes the work out of that step. The entire batch fits into a standard Kitchen-Aid bowl. The honey enhances the texture, though you could substitute sugar for the sweetness. As dough rises more rapidly at higher temperatures, you can cut down the rising time on a warm day. Also if you place the challahs in the oven without preheating, the challahs will have more time to rise in the warmth of the oven before they start to actually bake. If you need to slow the rising process, say if you want to make the challah dough in the morning and only bake it in late afternoon, place the dough in the refrigerator, so that it wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t rise too much. From Rosh Hashana through Shmini Atzeres, it is traditional to serve round challahs dipped in honey rather than usual braided challahs dipped in salt. The circular shape represents the fact that as one year ends, another begins. The honey signifies our wishes for a sweet, good year. While we believe that everything always works out for the good, the path taken can either be akin to swallowing a bitter pill that will improve our health our like savoring the sweet tast of honey. We wish for the latter, as represented by the honey.
*Note that the amount of flour here is not sufficient for saying the
Round challahs are actually very easy to shape, so this is a good time to start making your own challah without having to master any tricky braiding techniques. Kneading the dough actually is not difficult, nor is dong the mitzvah of hafrashas challah, as explained in the section that follows the recipes. Remember that while you will hit the minimum quantity that requires hafrasha to be done with most recipes, only those that call for using 5 pounds of flour would call for saying the bracha. Things to have on hand aside from a heavy-duty mixer include a measuring cup and measuring spoon, as well as a plastic board to use for shaping the challah on and either round pans or a cookie sheet. You also want to have aluminum foil handy to be sure that the challah you burn is completely wrapped. But for baking the challah loaves, I prefer to use a silicone mat on top of a cookie sheet. It is reusable and keeps the surface from sticking without
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bracha, though it would require that the hafrasha be done. If you want to say the bracha, you can simply make a double batch to have the amount required. If that produces more dough than you can use in one week, you can freeze what you don’t need to use another time. Or you can use the extra dough to make cinnamon buns. See the recipe that follows the challah. Challah with a touch of honey 10-12 c. all purpose or high gluten flour 5/16 oz. dry yeast (that’s one packet of Hodgson Mills or the equivalent) 2 ½ c. warm water ¾ c. honey. or ¼ c. honey plus ½ c. sugar ½ c. oil 1 tbsp. salt 2 extra large eggs raisins (optional) egg for coating (optional) Easy cinnamon buns Place the flour in a large mixing bowl. Add the yeast, honey (and sugar), and water, followed by the rest of the ingredients. (Option: mix raisins in the dough if you like raisin challah). Attach the dough hook to the mixer to mix and then knead for 7-10 minutes. Add more flour if the dough is too sticky, though it should be somewhat sticky to the touch. Once the kneading is complete, you can take off challah WITHOUT a bracha (unless you’ve doubled the recipe) and follow the directions below. Cover the bowl to prevent the dough from drying out while it rises. Allow it to rise for 2 hours, then punch it down and allow it to rise again. Form challahs and place them on baking sheets to rise for a half an hour to an hour before baking. You have the option of brushing the challah with egg for a shiny crust. Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes. If your oven has 2 racks, place on the bottom rack for optimal results. This would yield 3 to 4 challahs. If you do not use up all the dough you have on the loaves, treat yourself or someone you love to freshly baked cinnamon buns.
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Challah dough ( a sweet, egg-based recipe rather than water) Margarine (low-fat works for this recipe) Sugar Cinnamon Raisins (optional) Roll out the challah dough to about a ¼ to 1/3 inch thickness. Spread a thin layer of margarine on the dough. Combine sugar and cinnamon and sprinkle evenly. Add in raisins if you like. Then roll up the dough and cut into individual rolls. Place the rolls on a greased cookie sheet or shallow pan and bake at 350 degrees for about 18- 20 minutes. These are irresistible when fresh out of the oven and are handy after Kiddush if you will only be eating Shabbos lunch on the late side. Be sure to pack it in an airtight container or cover tightly because the cinnamon buns are prone to drying out and getting hard. If this happens, you can try freshening them in a microwave. I don’t ice the cinnamon buns, but if you want the white glaze on top, here’s a simple recipe:
Kallah Magazine
Fall 2010 / 5771
to use. If you made some batches that are each under 42 ounces and want to combine them in order to have enough dough with which to perform the mitzvah, they should all be placed together in one bowl). Take off a kezayis sized piece of dough, about 1 oz. or 28 grams. If the dough is made from at least 5 pounds of flour, then you should recite the bracha [blessing] that concludes “Asher Kidshanu b’mitzvosav v’tzivanu l’hafrish challah (min ha-isah)” [Who has sanctified us with His commandments and has commanded us to separate challah (from the dough)]. If the dough consists of at least 46 ounces of flour but is short of the 5 pounds, then you would do the hafrashas challah without pronouncing the bracha. According to some, you should make the declaration “Harei zeh challah” [This is the challah] on the piece you’ve removed.
Parve icing for cinnamon buns 1 stick margarine, softened. ½ tsp. vanilla 1 lb. confectioner’s sugar a few spoonfuls of parve milk Mix the margarine, vanilla and half the sugar. Add some of the parve mil with the rest of the sugar until you get the right consistency for pouring the icing over the buns. If it is too thick, add one drop at a time, until you get the right thickness. If it is too thin, add a few spoonfuls of confectioner’s sugar to thicken. When just right, pour over cinnamon buns. The icing will harden as it cools. Note: even if you make the challah dough expressly for cinnamon buns or the like, you will have to do hafrashas challah on an amount that qualifies. Though made with a dough that could be baked into bread, the buns are mezonos, as they are in the category of pas haba bekisnin [filled pockets of dough].
If you are not burning the piece you took off immediately, you can freeze it to burn it together with the pieces you take off from future batches of dough. Be sure you have it clearly labeled so that it won’t be confused with dough that may be eaten. To proceed to burn it in the oven, wrap it completely in foil and broil it on its own. As it is forbidden to eat, you want to isolate it from other foods. Certainly, you cannot cook other foods along with it in the oven. Once it is sufficiently burnt, remove it from the oven and then dispose of it in a respectful way. In other words, it should not be tossed straight into the trash but wrapped in something.
The mitzvah of challah The mitzvah of hafrashas challah originally entailed taking off a piece from one’s batch of dough for the cohen. Today, we burn the piece we remove. While many have become interested in the mitzvah of challah, not everyone is properly informed about what is entailed by Jewish law. Mitzvahs have to performed in the manner prescribed by halacha, and one has to be clear on what must be done versus what some people choose to do. For example there is no hidur mitzvah in buying a specially decorated cover designated for this. The mitzvah is in taking off the challah that is burnt, not in the rising of the dough. The key points to be aware of for hafrashas challah include the minimum amount of flour required both to perform the mitzvah and to say the bracha, as well as the status of the removed challah. You do hafrashas challah on bread or cake dough made from regular flour, whole wheat flour, as well as flour made from any of the other grains – barley, spelt, oats, and rye – so long as it is made from at least 42 ounces. According to most halachic opinions, to say the bracha you need at least 5 pounds of flour. As soon as the kneading process is complete, the dough is ready for hafrashas challah. Put together all the dough that you intend
That’s all there is to it! Try preparing some challahs this Yom Tov, and then you can do it again for Shabbos, Erev Yom Kippur, Sukkos, and Shmini Atezeres. It is more meritorious to prepare food in honor of Shabbos and Yom Tov oneself than to buy it ready-made. By making homemade challahs, you get double merit, by personally preparing for Shabbos and fulfilling the mitzvah of challah. The beginning of the new year, when we are particularly attentive to adding on mitzvos to tilt the spiritual balance to the side of zchuyosr, is the perfect time to begin baking challah.
Find additional recipes for Yom Tov, Shabbos, or any time on the HomeFront page of http://kallahmagazine.com
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Check out the wedding planning resources and other helpful advice for engaged and newly married couples at www.KallahMagazine. New posts go up at kallahmagazine.blogspot.com/ and http://www.examiner.com/jewish-bridal-in-new-york/ariella-brown.
regularly. Get updates by â&#x20AC;&#x153;likingâ&#x20AC;? Kallah Magazine at http://www.facebook.com/KallahMagazine?ref=nf You can also follow on http://twitter.com/AriellaBrown
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Kallah Magazine
Fall 2010 / 5771