wellness}
SHAME
SHAME on You? By Randy Spelling, Certified Life Coach
I remember being so content in my own little world filled with endless possibilities; a time that was much simpler and involved a whole lot of creative play. Things were good. But, when I heard the three words, shame on you a sick feeling would enter my stomach. The world turned from Technicolor to an ominous grey. Shame on you was equal to parents or loved ones saying the phrase, “I’m so disappointed in you.” The intent behind those three words stretched well beyond the words themselves, carrying a weight that no child should bear. Whether these three little words are spoken to us by a teacher, schoolmate, parent, or relative, shame strikes to the core of our foundation. Well, that was then and this is now. Now, we’re adults, right? Hopefully, settled and grounded in our own lives. We may feel we know who we are, what we believe to be true, and what we want for ourselves. So why does shame seem to have a “behind the scene” presence? Why is it still making appearances in our lives? The distinctive thing about shame is that it is an inner emotion that only we can feel. Any type of shame that we have endured now lives inside us, no matter what age we are. Someone else’s attempt to shame you won’t work if you don’t agree with it, or give it any power. Shame is defined as—a painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, or ridiculous done by oneself, or another. So, you may do something that someone
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else doesn’t agree with. All of a sudden, words, inferences, or a tone, can bring you right back to a shameful belief, thought, or a memory you have about yourself. That emotion was already there. Shame can only work on you if you allow it to.
So, how do we transform shame into something that doesn’t make us feel so low? We need to acknowledge any shame we are carrying within, and dissipate it so it doesn’t have any power. Instead of running from it, we need to discover a love for our shame in order to transform it.
Discovering a love for your shame
Love your Shame? Is that an oxymoron? Take the H out of SHAME and it spells SAME. Feeling shame has the tendency to separate us, and to make us
feel we are outcasts. This is not true. As a Professional Life Coach, I have the pleasure of working with people from all walks of life. I can tell you that I have irrefutable proof that we are more similar than we realize. Now is the time to know this. Remind yourself of it so you don’t go to those low depths of comparing yourself, or feeling less than other people. That’s where we tend to get into trouble; when we start to feel less than, not enough, and different from…
What isn’t always acknowledged, or identified, are the many ways that shame encircles our culture— because of sensational celebrity news, people’s mishaps, and various things reported in the news and media. Somehow shame has made its way into mainstream, and it is up to us to put an end to it.