,•':.
MAR CH
6, 1890.
THE W. A. RECORD.
11
£'_)
An A ge of Progress-When the baby beg in s to creep. The boy w ho I111 t es an'th me t'1c oug11 t A narrow escape-The fire-e scape. A swallow may not mak e a summer to he treated summarily. but the frog makes a spring. Wh en is a Rilver cup most li lrnl y to Some hou sekeepers should be punish- run? When it's chase d. The pol icy Leloved of sc boolboyseJ according to their desserts. · A · young man can di s please every- Tl1n t f mas t er lY inactivity. body by running away with-an heiress . Antic ipation-Eating ouo's calm Who can give the name and ,d drese befor e it is haked.-Fim. lt is pro l,ably the attention paiJ it, of the shoemi.ker that first tried to which makes the weather van e. cobble stones ?
Diner : "Here, wniter, you've chargSILVER LEVE!; BU~TER,Cappecl ed me for that coffee. I tolrl ··o u before 0 and J ewell ed, u uaran tced two yeair th t · J • • A. J . GALLE'S ' Albany. • n yo u put sa l t 10~tead o f sugar 111 1t, 11110 then you've got the ass urance tu ' - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - -- r,cpect me t o pay fo r it !" ! " Fon -r u E Br,oon 1s •ru E LrnE."W a iter: " An,1 why no t? It dosr,n't CJL ARJCE•~ . WORLD-F.AMl~U BLOOD muke a ny diffe,·.,nce with you Yo ! MJX TUR~; 1s wa rranted to cleanse t he blood ., . · u ! lro m al l 11np uri t1es from w)rntcv er cause conldu t hBve drllnk it anyhow, s alt or 11.n smg. For Scrofula, Scun v, S'cin and s ugar .'' / Blood Diseases, and Sores of ;tll kind s, its A . . M. h .. "I . ·h S dl'cc_ts are marvellous. Tbousanc' q of testi1 0 ox,ous ot . · wi s • usan, '. 1110111als. Sold in boUles, 2s. 9d . and lls that wh en you give baby a bath yo u c·ach \Jy Chemists a nd Patent Medicine would be carefu l t o ascertain whe th er I Vendors everywhere. Sole P roprietors T he sou who goes to work in the mill the water is at the proper tempera tur e. " II 'l ,um ' L~NCOLN AND MIDLAND ConNTil'i D1rno r epresents the flour of the family. S , Ob d , <,o., Lrncoln Englnnd. When are teeth lik e verbs 1 When nsan : ' ' on t you worry about ' th ey are regu lar, irregu lar and defective. that, ma~mu; I don't need no mo:neter?. The most experienced bookbinder If th e little one turns rod, the wate r , s HoLLOWAv's Orn·rMENT AND PILLS.cannot tell the book tbat is bound to be too lio t ; if it tnrr;s blue, it's too cold, Outward infirmities.- Before the dispopular. and that's all there is about it." ; co very of these remedies, many cases of · I t f " . b · sores, ulcers, &c., were pronounced to be 1 T be man who boasts that be is ns ~.nces O !'eg ectmg t e ante- hopelessly incurable, because the treatready to shed hi s lust drop of blood is cede n t, are am u smg. In an ol 1l geo- l ment p ursued tended to <lestroy the apt to be particubr al>out the first drop. grapby we are told that Albany is a strnngth it was incompetent to preserve Postmaster- ' Tho letter is ton "town with three hundred houses, and '.,nd to exaspQrate the symptoms it wa~ heuvy; it wautu 11not.hf'I' Rt ,imp.' , 1,200 in l111hi ta11ts , all with their gab le rnadequate to r emove. Holloway 's Pil;s Co11ntrywoman - - ' Why, t.h at wi ll mrike Pnr:!s towa rds tl,e strrrt. " A furri er oxert the most wholesome powers ove r it heav ier still ?' o .. cu annou .. ce,J t:iat l,1; was pre1Jure<l tlheb· u~1h ealttl hy flte_sh t ofr skfin, I w\tho ut " I • ( e arrmg ie pa 1011 rom res 1 an· a nd What is the difference bet1V een an t~ rna ce up_ cap~s, circ ul a rs, &c., for . exercise, and thus the constitutional vi"our ap t q uotniion aud a s hut up luu c@t? lad ,e~ ou t of. the ir owo sk ins." A is husbanded while the most malig~ant O ~e is a case in point, th e other 11 point match pec.l la, 111 London usod th e fol- ulcers, abscesses a nd skin diseases are in rn case. lowing street cry: " Bny a pennyworth process of cure. 'Both Ointment and Pills ·why is snow more easy to be und er- of mat,ches frolll a poor old man , madti make tlrn ~loo~ richer a_nd purer, instead stood thnn any other sort of of fore ign wood.'' Some yea rs ago, a of pe.rm1ttmg it to fall rnto that poor ~nd weather ? Becau se it is the only «Jne member oP the noted Savage Club of watery abt~ so fatal_ to many labounng . under chrome ulcerat10ns. L on d on, wus stand ing ou the steps of of which you cau see the Jritt. W hy are you ,· no se and yom chin the clu b-bouse. A mun stopped and l d ROTHERHAM S ILVER constantly at variance? Because as ,e : "Does a gentleman belong to HUNTER LEVERS, Guaranwords are constantly passing between your cl ub with one eye named teed two years, at J . GA LLE'S, Albany them. Wnlker ?'; "I do n't know," was the . S uppose a person carrying a doz en reply, " what was tbe 11ame of his otlie r · H ow Pills are Made. cut-glass lamps should drop one, what eye?" The fa th er did not s peak with ~ does he become ? A lamp-lighte r. clearness when b e exh ibited a fidd le i W hy is th e Prin ce of Wales like mode by his so n and said, " He mad e it i T he cu_stoin of taking medi_cin e .in the fifteen sh illi ngs ? Because it would out of his head, and has wood enouo-h fo i:m of pills dates fa r back rn lnstory. The . ,, W .b obJect 1s to enable us to swallow easily in a ta k e a crown to make him a soveri gu . le ft l o ma_k e nuot I101 . e occas10n- condensed form di sag reeabl e and nauseou ■ The absent-mind ed professor to th e al ly read rn the papers about " terrn but very useful, drugs. To what vast dini ght watch-man : GQod-night, I hope cot ta lad ies' g loves,"" woollen ch ildrens' · meus_ious pill-taking has grown may be you will s leep well. mitt s " " octagonal men's cassi In ere im agrned when we say that in England alone 't ,, & ' " O about 2,000,000,000 (two t housand million) Au engraver r ecen tly macle th is panta oons, c. r that a snake pills arc consum ed every year. In early mi stake: " Mr. and Mrs. MacSmythe was k ill ed by a boy twelve feet lon g," clays pills were made slowly by hand, as the res pectfu lly requ es t your presents at the or that a thriftv hou sewife "washes ' demand was com paratively small. To-day marriage of their daug hter.'' aud irons h erself ~very week," or that a th c,r _are produced witli infinitely grea~er , " d .· , . rapu!1ty by macbmes especial ly contrived F<irs t Physicia n--' Did o ld Coupon's ~an "?nts. a boy to,, 11ve a horse who for the purpose, and with greater accuracy, c use yield to your treatment?' Second lives w1tb l11s parents. too, rn th e proportions of the various iopbysician-' It did. I treateJ it six _ . ...___,,;.,, gredia11ts emp loyed. mouths and it yielded something like i No for m of medication can be better than £ 0.' Vital Questions ! I I : a pill, prov ided on ly it is intelligently pre5 Ask the most eminent Physzcian ; ~,'uGd. .But ngl.Jt I.J ere occurs the di_fficult:, . Sh~ kue w her husiness.-Lady (in Ask any school, what is the bes t thin in E~sy as :t_may see1'.1 to make a pill, or " mtelhgence office)-" Have yo u ever th e world fo r quieting aucl a!l:tyiog a ll i7"ri- n![:1'o~ ,of th e1~ , t l~ete ar re:dly very few mind ed cbildreu before? " Nurse- taLio□ of the nerves, and curing all for ms of P' s ~,t can Je · ou~ st Y comm ended for "No, mum, but I ' ve made mnuy a child nervous complaints giv in g n·1tui"tl ch ' ldl ikc popular use. MoS t uf t h em either underrcfresh iug sleep ali~ays? ' ' ' ' , shoot Ol'. OYer~hoot I.he !Dar~. As everybody mind me.'' .And they will tell yott unhesit;itionJy , takes_ pi lls of so me ktncl, it may be well to Young Wife-" Ah! how fortun ate "Sumejorm of Hops 111 ,, " : n~ cnt1011 ,1·h:tt a good, safe, and relia tbe l am in pc·ssc&sin g a husband who slays ' ptll should be. Now, when oue fee ls dull 1. • h cuAPTt: It r. and sleepy, and has more or less pain in the a t uome m t e even ing ! " Bosom hca,J, sides, a □ d back he may be sure his Friend-" Yes; your husband never .Ask aoy or all of t he most eminent phys li?wcls, "re costipated ,_ anti his Ii \'Cr slugwas much addicted to pleas ure.'' icians • grnh. To remedy tins unh appy state 1f S peaker of the house.-- •" I am quite "What is tho best and uul y remedy that tliiugs there is nothiug li ke tt good cathartic · d M can \Je reli ed on to cure all di seases of t he pill.. It will rtet_ like_ a charm by stimu lating surpnse , r. Meeker, at your wife's kidneys and urinary organs; sucli as . 'L I1e Iiv er Ill to d 01ug 1 ts l l uty, an d n'dd'10g the kn owl edge of Parliamentary l1.1w .' Bright's disea~e, diabetes, retention, or iua- digestiv e orgaus of th e accumul ated poi son' She? Why, h asn't sho been th e bil.ity to retain urin e, and all the diseases ous matter. speaker of th e !i ou ~e for the Inst fift ee n aud ailments pecul iar to Women"i .But . the good pm does not ~rip e and pain earn ?' And they will Lei! yo n explicitly and em- us, ne1tlicr does tt make us s1clc anrl miserpliatically "Bue/tu ." Y able fo r a few hours a clay. It acts on tbe "Oh yea," s ai,l Harry, when, in Ask the s:ime physicians I en tire glamlul a~ 3ystem at _tbc _same time I reading 11 novel, he came to the "Wh at is tbe most reliable and sures t else the atte r-cffo cts of th e pill WLll be worse exp ressiou," th e one poor lamp on ly serv- cure for all lh· er diseases or rly spepsia; con- tliau t he disease i tself. T l1e_gr_ipin g caused ed to make darknes~ visible·," « oh ves : stipatiou, inrl i gcstio □, biliousness, malaria, by _most pills 1s the r es ult of_1rntatiag drugs J fev er, ague, &c.,'' and they will tell you : , wl11cb they contain. Such P!lls arc harmful, I unuerstood t hat. It was in a rail way Mandral,e l or Dandelion I I I I and sho uld never be used. Th ey sometimes carriag e, of course. " Hence when these rem edies arc com bi ned evenpro~uce hemorrhoids .. Without hav ing S park from a ]ocomotive.-Bellewith others eq1rnlly valuab le, . aoy particular desire to pnnse one pill above , Who is that young fellow that comr.s And compounded into Dr. Soul e's Ameri- m~ther, we_ may, nevertheless, name Mother can Hop Hitters, such a wonderful and mys- Scigel's. Pi lls, manufactured by the wellto see Carrie eo ofton ?' Julia-' He r tcrious curativ e power is developed, which k,110,~11 house of A . J. WhiLe, Limited ~5, beau, of' co urse. [!e's an engineer on is so Yari cd in its operation s that 110 disease l! arnn gtlo n Rt>acl, Lo1~don, and now so!J by the L .N. W. liue.' Belle- " Oil, y es, or ill-health can possib ly exist or resi st its all chemrnts and meu1cllle vend o,-s, as tha I see-n spark from u locomotive.' power, aau yet it is , only one '.vc know of t lmt act ually possesses ll ur mless for tbe most frail woman weak- every desirable quality. They remove tb a 'When L ove Grnws Co ld' (s tory in inv ali d 01. small es t chi ld to use. ' , nrcss ure upon th e bnun, cor rect the lil'er six chapters) .- Cha pter l - F irst letter: , aod cause th e bowel s to act with ' Dear MiRS ,Jink s.' C hnpter 2CUAPT.ER 11. ease and regularity. They never gripe I or produce the slightest sick ness of th e S econ d Ietter : 'Dear friend.' Cha11te r I "Patients s L0111ac1,, or any oth er unpleasan t feeling 3-Tb ir l'l letter : 'Darling ' Chapter "Almost dead or nearly dying" 01· sy mptoms. Neither do they in duce fu r4-Fomt h lette r: ' Miss Jin ks.' Eor years, and giY cll up by phsiP-ians, of thcr constipaLioa, as nearly all other pills Chapter 5-Fifth letter: 'l\ludam .' Dn.,ht's aud other kidney di seases liver do. As a furth er and crowning merit Chapter 6-Brcach of promi se su i t.' con~plaints, se vere coughs, call ed c~;isump- · Mot her Seigcl's Pills are_covered wi th a t ion, lmve been cured. , tasteless aud harmless coat111g which causes ;\1r. I3luff ( host nt a litt.l e d inner of Wom en gone nea,}1/ crazy 1 1 1 I them to resemble pearls, thu s rendering nudo frien ds) : "Ye~, genllemen, I hold From ago uy of neural gia, nerrnusness, th em as pleasant to ~h e p<tlutc as they are t "at every mau should be master o f bis wakefulness, and rnriou s diseases pecu li ar eftccL1ve Lil curi ng disease. lf you 11:LYe a t J women. . sc,·crc co ld an,1 a re thrcateued with a fe ver own house. Th ere is no oth er way. People drawn out of shape from excrnc,- with paius in ~he head, back, and limbs, on~ 'vVcll , gentl emen, suppose we adj ourn al.ing pangs of rh eumati sm, iutlammatory or two doses m il break up th e cold aud preto th e library for II sm oke.'' W i1ggi sb and chronic, or s1d'E~ring from scrof ula. Ycnt ·th e feve r._ A coated tong ue, with a gu es t : ,, \\'b y not s in oko her e in th is Erysip elas ! brackish taste 111 the mo uth, is caused b :r ., 11 • . "_Salt~henm, blood poiso nin g, dyspepsia, fou,I n;attcr_ m the stomach. A dose of Seigrnnu o c J ima g -room ?'' l\lr. Illu If: rndigcs tion, and, Ill fact, al most all diseases g_el s I ills '.VI II e.Jl'cct a speedy cure. Often' Um- er-M rn . Bluff won't let us.'' fr.ii i " t un es partially decayed food in tb e stomach Little Bi lly, wlio was 4 )'ears olJ, after Nat ure is heir to and bowels prnduce sick ness nausea &c !lav e been cured by Dr. Soule's Hop 2 i t- C_leanse the bowe ls with a d~sc of t hes~ waiting for bis lunch a good whil e with tcrs, proof of which can be found in every , pi ll s, and good health will foll ow. cornrnenduu le patie nce, said : " i\.l ammn, neighborhood rn U,e known world. Uult ke rnauy krnds o[ pills, they do 110~ may I l1ave su me sard ines and bread ?" ~;akc you fe_el wo rse befo re you are bc t'.er To which th e fond molher replied : . . . Ihcyare, wi th ont doubt, the best ':.amily physte ever cl 1scnvcred. Th cr re:.aove all " No t now, B ill y; wait ti ll I am rcaJy i $lf'No n0 genuin e wi thout a bunch of green o!,Jstruct100s_ to the natural funotion s ia to g iv e th em to yon." "But, mo, i t'$ h9ps on the _ white label, and Dr. Soule's either sex without any uupl eas.a,it effects tllfl wll':,'s hungrv nut you " aud the n,un'.', blo,~n in the bottle HEWARG of all . . ,, , , . th e , !le po1souous stuff made to 1n11 tate th e ? oor littl e lcllow s ey es fill ed w1tb tfar~ . alJo,-c. N ES£IT's L
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He: 'Darling, will you love me when I'm gone?' She: 'Yee ; if you're not too far gone.' Rer,ublics were ever ungrateful. We put our great men on postage stamps, and then punch their heads. Maloney says it is a singular fact that people never think of committing s11icide until they are unfit to die. She: 'What do,you suppose supi;orts the vast arch of the heavens ?' He: 'The moonbeams, I guess.' An old maid said she wi shed fi he was an auctioneer, for then it would 'he perfectly proper to say, 'Muke me an C>ffer.' A t.nllow chandler said he didn't mean any disparagement to the sun, when he saiJ that his candles were tbe he~t lightR ever invented . ' What ? Is the widow Brown g oing to be led to the altar for the third time?" 'No, I guess not. She ought to be able to find her way there herself by this time.' Wife (proudly)-' I made this pou ndcake myself, John_; what do yon think of it?' Husband (critically), Well, my dear, I think it will run fully sixteen ounces to the pound.' Miss Chnmberlayne: What ·does your fath er the Baron call hi s es tate on the Rhine ? H e r von Griff: It vas named by mein grossfoder, de Castle of Scheinderblitzenschouen berghenbau sen. Miss Cbnrnberlayne: Tha nk you; I nm sorry to have troubled you. This is the sort oflie t hey t ell in the Yank ee papers : "A live mo ose in n Texas dairy fell into II panful 1,f milk. It swam round nod round in it,s efforts to get _ out, bu,t in ".nin. However, through the ac t ivity of its mov ements, the milk was at 1:ts t churned into butter , when the mou se was enabled to jump out of the pan and regain hi s lib er ty.', Littl e B ess ie dropped un armfu I of playthings. "Did yon break anything ?" ask e<l the mother . "Nothing but the quiet," she repli ed, "and that's menued ulr eady." "The dinner last eve ning was wretched, cook. I was positive ly ashamed of it. " ~ook : "Yes, ma 'am th e policomau on th e beut, who 11 cver cu rnplnioed before, sniu t.!Je same tbi11g." "Wife: "John yonr !Jair is coming out at _. terri bltJ rate." "Hu sLa llll : "I kn ow it is, my dear. I must- do so mething for it at once." Wife: I wish you would John, for my sake. You know how people will
talk." " Get yo urse lf full of yo ur s ubj ect," said the Profea~or. " Sat ura te yourself with it, ai;d th en your essay will write itsr.lf." "Yes, I kn ow profesPor, " said th e grndunte, '' but my es811y is 011 " Rum, the cause of it.'" The ch1111 ge it m11k es.-Me rch:111t T ai lor-' Good mornin g, M r. Truepay . 1Vbat can I do for you this morning ?' Mr. Tru ep ay- ' l waut a suit of clothes .' 'Ye~, si r. J oh n, the tupe and book, please.' ' Oh, I do u' t want a euit to meas ure. I wan t a ready mad e s nit.' ' Ebern ? Ready-made? ' Ye s, 11-cb eup one.' ' Certainly cert11inly. R ig ht this way, · please, ' had n't li ea r·rl of your marriage.'
JI ere are a fe 1'1' bulls recently per petrntod by firs t cluss E ng lish papers: " To inve8tiga1 e th e qu estio n woul d lead us too de eply in to th e clry ai,d troubled waters of moral p hi losophy." '' Seve rn! cl1imneys fe ll, bnryi ug the inmates in the ruin s." " A row of cottages fell Lut fortunately the in mates we r e a: I out.. " " At fi rs l sight, lbo cl ectionee ri llg addres rns sou r,<l tbor.o.u_g hly P rotectionist.' '
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£6 6,;·
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a on:~ f;:~1. \'.ER WA'.l!CHBS> £;1 10~, I'
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