CARNIVAL OF CRIME
The Kiwi who created a Renaissance detective
LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE
The comedy group tackling the epidemic of loneliness
ONE-BOWL BAKING Sweet treats to make with minimal mess
ISABELLA MOORE
The runway star – and why the phone stopped ringing
6. A large euaglang del.mo 7. Isabel Allende. 8. Wales.
9. Race walking 10. All lesro played by Sam Neill (in: Reilly, Ace of Spies; Evil Angels; Jurassic Park; Peaky Blinders; and Hunt rfo the pleWilderpeo).
Lust, avarice and poo cushions
Entitled’s tales of royal excess are meant to be fact, but they don’t get to the bottom of the Duke of York’s psychology, writes Christopher Howse
It is not unprecedented for members of the Royal family to get rather carried away sexually Edward VII had some disgusting sort of chair made so that, despite his girth, he could carry on with tarts in Paris Edward VIII lost the throne through the allure of an American divorcee The present Duke of Sussex went through a similar process, though without having a throne to lose
And now, according to Andrew Lownie (the author of biographies of other odd royalty, such as the Duke and Duchess of Windsor), Prince Andrew, Duke of York, “is supposed to have slept with over 1000 women” Who, I wonder, was counting? An unnamed source says that the Duke slept with half a dozen women before he was 13 That sounds like child abuse But is it true?
Excess is the motif of Entitled The Duke is turned into an oafish version of Sir Epicure Mammon, the hyperbolic character in a Ben Jonson play who dreams of eating “the swelling unctuous paps of a fat pregnant sow, newly cut off”
Actually, the deadly sins allocated to Andrew are lust and avarice
In the book it’s his former wife, Sarah, Duchess of York, who is left with spendthrift gluttony According to a sacked staff member in 2010, “every night she demands a whole side of beef, a leg of lamb and a chicken, which are laid out on the dining room table like a medieval banquet” Does he realise that a side of beef is half a cow: chuck, rib, brisket, shank, sirloin, fillet, rump, the lot? Talk about a groaning board Returning from New York from promoting her Budgie books, the Duchess had 51 pieces of excess baggage containing newly bought clothes and gifts She was nicknamed by the press as “Her Royal Excess”
Piling up the carvery plate of royal excess makes Entitled less, not more, plausible It is also indigestible for the reader No unkindness is too small to throw into the pot The Duke is often rude to inferiors (almost everyone)
Boris Johnson is quoted as saying that another lunch with the Prince might make him a republican One of his dates said: “He tells the most pathetic jokes He finds poo cushions funny ” I didn’t quite know what a poo cushion was I thought it might be a whoopie cushion But more likely it means a cushion bearing the likeness of a piled turd
The notorious and tragic accompaniment of
Randy Andy’s sex mania was the suicide in prison of his erstwhile friend Jeffrey Epstein and the suicide this year of Virginia Giuffre, aged 41 She had reached an out-of-court settlement with the Duke, who she claimed had sex with her aged 17 after a meeting at the Belgravia house of Ghislaine Maxwell, now in jail
“Ghislaine served tea from a porcelain pot and biscuits,” is one of the more banal touches in her account, here, of that meeting
According to one of the Duke’s friends, meeting Epstein was like “putting a rattlesnake in an aquarium with a mouse” The Prince may have been the mouse, but it was Epstein who died
So pumped up is this biography, that I was surprised to find no suggestion from an anonymous source that Prince Andrew bored Epstein’s prison guards into a deep sleep with his conversation and then strangled him with his mouse-like grip
As it is, what made the public think the Duke is not a very nice man was his own testimony in the celebrated BBC interview in 2019 the one in which he declared that he didn’t sweat
Now an unnamed Buckingham Palace employee says that if the full extent of the Duke’s involvement with Epstein came out, “I think the British public would try to impeach the Royal Family ” I don’t even know what that is supposed to mean In the Middle Ages, peers could be impeached and tried by the House of Lords, and Warren Hastings was impeached and acquitted in 1795 I’d love to see it done again It would probably resemble the trial of the Knave of Hearts in Alice in Wonderland
That’s fiction Entitled is meant to be fact But it gets nowhere near the bottom of the psychology of the Duke of York, the “spare” to our present King
As an infant he was known as Baby Grumpling and even his mother the Queen found him “not always a little ray of sunshine about the house” Most curiously, 60 years on and more, he lives in the same (big) house as the Duchess, 29 years after their divorce Telegraph Group Ltd
● Entitled: The Rise and Fall of the House of York is published by Harper Collins at $39 99
Andrew and Sarah at Ascot in 2019 PHOTO / GETTY IMAGES
BEST BOOKS
KAREN McMILLAN Books Editor
The Island of Last Things by Emma Sloley (Text Publishing, RRP $40)
Set on a near-future Alcatraz Island, now home to the last functioning zoo on Earth, the novel charts a quietly devastating path where most wildlife has been lost, and human desperation clings to what remains Through the eyes of Camille, a young zookeeper who has known no other world, Sloley paints a stark yet strangely tender portrait of survival, longing, and moral reckoning
Chris Reed
The Girl with the Suitcase by Lesley Pearse (Penguin, RRP $38)
London, WWII Mary, a woman who has endured a lifetime of hardship, meets the glamorous Elizabeth An air raid leaves Elizabeth dead and Mary injured In the aftermath, a mix-up results in Mary being given Elizabeth’s suitcase, containing money and tickets to Ireland, so Mary seizes the opportunity to build a new life Pearse masterfully crafts a vivid portrait of wartime hopes, fears, and personal struggles
Andrea Molloy
The Passengers on The Hankyu Line by Hiro Arikawa (Penguin, RRP $38)
A bestseller in Japan, this translation is now being enjoyed worldwide A man recognises a young woman on the train because he has seen her at the library
A woman dressed in white has come from her ex-fiance ´ s wedding The passengers sometimes connect, and at other times they merely exist alongside each other These are gentle, slice-of-life stories that offer a snapshot of Japan
Rachel White
The essence of Norwegian made furniture is timeless design, superior
craftsmanship, and functionality Stressless® recliners offer all these elements with the added benefit of luxurious comfort: it feels like you ’ re floating on air Try one! Because feeling is believing
Nurtured in his early years by his grandparents, Timoti’s world was upended when his mother reclaimed custody Abuse, state care, gang life and prison soon followed A glimpse of blue sky through a prison window marked the moment of change, which would eventually lead him to become a doctor and advocate This story reveals the potential that exists in everyone when given the chance
Andrea Molloy
What We Call Masala by Sarina Kamini (Murdoch Books, RRP $55)
This is a fantastic in-depth resource for cooks interested in learning more about Indian spices and how to use them in their kitchens The author covers an astounding variety of 74 spices and includes 85 recipes Also woven throughout her book are her memories of growing up in a Kashmiri Hindu family, the food and the stories around the family table that shaped her identity
Lyn Potter
● For more reviews go to nzbooklovers co nz
Emma Sloley PHOTO / SUPPLED
The Unlikely Doctor by Dr Timoti Te Moke (Allen & Unwin, RRP $38)
KIWI AND PROUD
LISSY AND RUDI ROBINSON-COLE, CROCHET EXTRAORDINAIRES
“Maori and Pakeha are on a great journey together We have come a long way, with still so much further to go Rudi and I have hope for our country and for our future, hope that we can find a way through As Ta Hemi Henare said, ‘Kua tawhiti ke to haerenga mai
kia kore ehaere tonu He nui rawa o mahi kia kore e mahi tonu ’ (‘You have come too far not to go further You have done too much not to do more ’) We hope for an Aotearoa where our mokopuna may know deep in their wairua the path of aroha that has already been laid for them to follow, so that they may manifest their most audacious dreams ”
The publisher of Arohanui: My Aotearoa New Zealand describes the book as a love letter, one that not only says what we love about the country but also suggests what isn’t quite right and what we could do better More than 100 Kiwis contributed to the book. Here is a selection.
EMERITUS PROFESSOR NGAHUIA TE AWEKOTUKU (TE KUIRAU)
What do you love about Aotearoa?
“Swirling hot springs; te reo Maori; deep forested gulleys; a big river that flows from south to north; clear night skies; sprays of pikiarero at springtime; boulders proud on pristine beaches; happy-looking horses; mud pools thick and richly gurgling; artisan chocolate; lines slicing a freshly ploughed field; ta moko; hidden trees as old as the earliest human tread; inland islands; pukeko mincing on angawha’s seething edge; majestic carved houses; two seas meeting without mercy; cats on the midnight prowl; the Tino Rangatiratanga flag; tuı song soaring; colours of ochre raw in stream beds; whitebait fritters; geysers scalding the clouds; dopey dogs dancing; smooth, pale sand tongued gently by the tide; flirty tırairaka all a-flitter; sudden swaying acres of sunflowers; caves of mystery; summer stone fruit; islands of obsidian and nephrite; short, sharp winters; mist shrouding my mountains; haka; quivering kowhai; public sculptures of hope, happiness or heartbreak; flocks of rowdy tarapunga; sapphire violet paua; shallows of a secret crater lake; whiffs of sulphur; autumn drizzle on my face
Clockwise from left, Peter Gordon; Becki Moss; Ngahuia te Awekotuku; Sam Neill; Winston Peters
Photos / Tracey
Scott, Riaan
Schmul an, Jonny
Dav s Becki Moss
The truth about Aotearoa New Zealand is the truth of newness Of youth Kei te tupu tonu, kia puawai Still growing, yet to blossom ”
SAM NEILL, ACTOR
What three words would you use to describe New Zealanders?
“Quiet Ordinary Decent ”
What is the moment/memory that makes you most proud to be a New Zealander?
“Ed Hillary cresting Mt Everest with Sherpa Tenzing in 1953 and never revealing he was the
Photo / Hohua Ropate Kurene
first up there It was Tenzing himself who, many years later in his autobiography, said Ed was first Ed Hillary quiet, decent, and yet extraordinary ”
WINSTON PETERS, POLITICIAN
What Kiwi thing do you most love doing?
“I love to go out and enjoy the ocean I go out on a boat that I bought a long time ago, when I couldn’t afford one Heading out of the harbour, and out into the vast blue, gives me the sense that we are connected to the whole world ”
BECKI MOSS, VISUAL STORYTELLER, DISABILITIES ADVOCATE, AND SCIENCE NERD
“When I travel overseas, I miss the smell of bush in the rain, te reo Maori, our laid-back sense of style and casual conversations I miss everyone walking barefoot on the beach instead of me being the only one (and getting strange looks for it) ”
PETER GORDON, CHEF, AUTHOR, RESTAURATEUR
What is the moment/memory that makes you most proud to be a New Zealander?
“When Hinewehi Mohi sang the national anthem in te reo at Twickenham in 1999 I didn’t know the words, but I felt hugely proud of her and my Maori heritage ”
On what occasion have you thought it’s good to be a New Zealander?
“When a war breaks out, a famine spreads, a nuclear power station melts down overseas, I’m grateful to be here in Aotearoa ” What classic Kiwi thing do you most love doing?
“Baking my mother’s pavlova ”
JANE WRIGHTSON, RETIREMENT COMMISSIONER
“I believe we all need to acknowledge what colonisation did to Maori It’s not an easy conversation, but I’ve found it’s better and enriching to listen and learn from Maori rather than talk The damage to Maori people, culture and identity was indefensible Pakeha don’t need to be abject about this, but we do need to acknowledge it ”
HARLAN HUNG, ACTOR
“I am proud to hold a New Zealand passport I feel nothing but gratitude for treading on one of the world’s most breathtaking landscapes ”
MEGAN SINGLETON, TRAVEL CONTENT CREATOR AND RADIO CORRESPONDENT
What is your most New Zealand moment/ memory?
“This question immediately takes me back to about age 10 in our family home in Hastings on a Saturday morning Dad is mowing the lawns and the three of us kids are making a whirlpool in the circular Para pool We can almost get it dry in the middle! Then off we go with Dad to the dump for a stinky outing ”
SCOTT BEARD, DETECTIVE INSPECTOR
“The public response to the Grace Millane investigation made me so proud to be a New Zealander It showed how caring and kind people
HANNAH WILKINSON, PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALLER
“I once saw a tweet (back when Twitter wasn’t X) that had a picture of a soap brand slogan reading, “Aaaah It’s all good ” The caption read,“Why does this soap brand sound like a Kiwi who’s just received some devastatingly bad news?”
A large part of my motivation to succeed while wearing the fern is to show the world who we are and what we’re capable of Even in the face of something as devastatingly bad as being late to a home World Cup opening match Being late, to the biggest match of our careers, in front of the entire country, along with most of the world watching? Aaaah It’s all good As Kiwis, I think it’s safe to say we just like to get on with it That night we sure did ”
are, and I will never forget that time
“All homicide investigations I know of involve a local kaumatua coming along to give a blessing once we have finished our scene examination Some of the families, especially from different cultures and
A CENTURY OF MODERN ART
countries, find it a truly emotional and respectful occasion ” What’s the best way for other people to endear themselves to a New Zealander?
“Be kind, polite, friendly and don’t be overopinionated Talk sport ”
TANUSHK MARTYN, ORTHOPAEDIC REGISTRAR
On what occasions have you thought it’s good (or bad) to be a New Zealander?
“Every time there’s a major world conflict, I realise how lucky we are to be so isolated Every time there’s a major world sporting event, I lament the fact that it would be near impossible for me to ‘pop over’ and see it ”
JENNIFER TE ATAMIRA WARD-LEALAND, ACTOR, DIRECTOR AND ADVOCATE FOR TE REO MAORI
“I feel a much deeper connection to this whenua generally and more in my own skin since beginning to learn te reo, because the language is fundamentally connected to the natural world The characteristics of birds or trees or stars become metaphors for the behaviour or characteristics of people Imagine if these metaphors were just everyday expressions in Aotearoa ”
nifer Ward-Lealand, Tanushk Martyn; Megan ott Beard; Harlan Hung wn Photography
Photo / Brett Phibbs, Photosport
Extracted from Arohanui: My Aotearoa New Zealand, compiled by Rosemary Hepozden, White Cloud Books (Upstart Press), $44 99
New weight loss drugs have seen the fashion industry’s pendulum swing skinny again. But where does that leave plus-size models?
Sharon Stephenson talks to Isabella Moore, of docuseries Cutting the Curve.
Growing up, plus-size model Isabella Moore never saw girls like herself in the media or in advertising photos The message was very much, thin equals a better quality of life, she says Moore features in a docuseries, Cutting the Curve, that explores the backlash against body diversity in fashion
Once sought-after plus-size models now struggle to find work Just 0 63% of models walking the runways in major fashion weeks this year during the autumn/winter 2025 shows in London, Milan, New York and Paris were classified as plus-sized (NZ size 14+) And only 2% of mid-sized (NZ size 12-14) models were represented
They’re numbers that make Julia Parnell sigh loudly She is the director and producer of Cutting the Curve, which drops on RNZ from August 25 The six 10-minute episodes tackle the fashion industry’s pendulum swing from greater size inclusivity to skinny fashion and even skinnier models Fuelled by the rise in GLP-1 weight loss drugs such as Ozempic and Wegovy, recently licensed for use in New Zealand, rapidly shrinking customers are prompting some designers to quietly axe dedicated curvy collections, larger sizes and the use of plus-sized models
“A few decades ago, you’d think only skinny, white people wore fashionable clothes because those were the only models we saw,” says Parnell “Eventually, thankfully, manufacturers realised that all sizes need to feel good about themselves ” It was, admits co-producer Evelyn Ebrey, like taking off your bra after a long day at work
“It was such a relief to see people who looked like us on catwalks and in ad campaigns a much broader, more genuine representation of the previous narrow ideal of beauty,” explains Ebrey, a fashion journalist who championed size inclusivity long before it was a hashtag
It was an exciting time, she recalls, with models such as Ashley Graham walking major runways (the American became the first high-fashion model with clothing tags bearing the numbers 14 and 16)
“Models of different sizes and ethnicities were shown celebrating what makes them unique rather than just blindly following trends and trying to shrink themselves to be as skinny as possible ” Who could forget, for example, Dove’s “real beauty” campaign of the early naughties, featuring plus-sized models in their underwear with the tagline, as tested on real curves? Or Rihanna’s Savage X Fenty lingerie brand, an ad campaign that combined real women talking about their bodies against a backdrop of high fashion
Ebrey has skin in this very fraught game: as a plus-size woman, the move towards size inclusivity meant “for the first time I didn’t feel overlooked and forgotten by the fashion industry”, she says But when the much vaunted weight-loss drugs hit the market, the appetite for larger sizes and curvy models began to wane
Parnell: “It’s so frustrating because it felt like the fashion industry was finally making progress, particularly for Maori, Pasifika and women of colour, it was like change had arrived Then you get Kim Kardashian turning up at the Met Galahaving lost 16 pounds in three weeks to fit
THE CURVE
into a Marilyn Monroe dress And public figures like Oprah who lost a lot of weight quickly ”
Where the celebrities go, so do the rest of us
“We were in New York filming Cutting the Curve earlier this year and it’s really noticeable on the streets there,” adds Parnell “Apparently one in three people in Manhattan is on Ozempic ”
If you’ve spent any time on social media lately, the phrases “heroin chic” and “thin is in” would probably have been served up to you, leaving no doubt that the 90s Kate Moss-style of super skinny is back
But Cutting the Curve had its genesis in 2022 with an article Ebrey wrote for FashionNZ She later shared it with Parnell, who she’d met at film school in the late 90s The idea of a docuseries chimed with the latter, who’d cut her teeth on music documentaries for bands such as The Chills and Six60
“This project interested me because of what the backsliding in using plus-size models means for young women who will no longer see themselves represented in catwalks, magazines or billboards,” says Parnell “But also because of what it means for the models themselves the rejection and resilience it takes to be able to keep showing up for work when your body is no longer fashionable ”
At the centre of the series is Moore, a 34-yearold Samoan New Zealander who trained as an opera singer and has performed for the Royal Family For the past five years she has paid the rent on her London apartment with modelling work Her flawless skin and lustrous hair have helped sell everything from lingerie and cars to honey
The granddaughter of poet and writer Albert Wendt, she has faced the fashion industry’s demons, a struggle that took its toll “Like so many other women, I’ve been programmed to think that being fat is the worst thing you could possibly be,” says Moore from the Bromley flat she shares with husband, fellow Kiwi Samoan opera singer Benson Wilson “I always felt like I was too much or took up too much space and that my value rested solely on how I looked ”
No surprise then that Moore had little time for the fashion industry “I thought it was irrelevant to girls who looked like me, so I didn’t invest any time or energy in it ”
So when Moore, who trained as an opera singer in Cardiff and San Francisco, was pursued through St Lukes Mall in Auckland by a modelling agent in 2014, she was perplexed “I didn’t think the agent was dodgy but I was shocked that someone wanted me to model because I’d never thought of myself or my body in that way before ”
The modelling agent was, in fact, legit and within weeks Moore was able to call herself a plus-size or curve model “At the time Ashley Graham was making a splash and things were opening up Although it always felt a little like box-ticking we’ve got a brown model, a black model, an Asian model I honestly thought that if the trend continued, it would stop being tokenistic and different types of beauty would become the norm ”
The job offers kept rolling in and by 2019 Moore was able to transition to full-time modelling
had an option to take these drugs, they did And I can understand it but now we’re back to this ideal that skinny is better ”
Naturally humble, Moore isn’t as keen to namedrop When pushed, she mentions she’s modelled for brands such as H&M, River Island, Karen Millen and lingerie company Gossard, walked the runway of London Fashion Week, graced the pages of Glamour Magazine and been photographed in Italy, Sweden, Germany and the US But then Ozempic appeared and the phone stopped ringing
“It’s definitely harder to book work now and we’re also getting paid less because the general public wants to be skinny and when that happens, brands shift further away from using curve models ”
While Moore is currently able to keep the lights on with modelling work, she admits her side hustle of opera singing is becoming more important
“The message used to be that you can be whatever size you are and be happy but as soon as people
Has Moore ever been tempted by Ozempic? “At the end of 2023, when I wasn’t booking many jobs I thought, do I need to lose weight? But my body’s too precious to do that I’ve also heard that it’s a quick fix and once you go off it, you put the weight back on ”
There’s a heartbreaking scene in Cutting the Curve where Moore watches a clip of this year’s London Fashion Week and laments the fact that she isn’t there “Why can’t we celebrate all types of beauty? It feels like fat phobia is back and it’s no longer acceptable to live in a fat body ”
Which begs the question, why would Moore put herself through the indignity of casting calls alongside stick-thin models, of attending auditions where, as depicted in Cutting the Curve, she can’t fit into the jeans she’s asked to model?
“When my opera career didn’t quite go as I hoped, I needed a job As hard as modelling is, there are aspects of it I love, such as the creativity, the people and the chance to travel and have cool, fun experiences I never would have had otherwise
“But I do find it shallow sometimes and don’t understand why the industry can’t embrace different types of beauty I don’t put value on someone’s worth based on their size so why does the fashion industry?”
It’s not all grim though: earlier this year Moore spent three months in New York where she was signed by an agent That translated into gigs with Macy’s and the hair company Tresemme And the day before our interview, she beat out two others to be named NZ model of the Year by FQ magazine
But she’s still got a massive fight on her hands for plus-sized women to be recognised
“We need to keep creating our own opportunities and spaces that are inclusive and accepting of different types of beauty I want to remind women in bigger bodies, and Pasifika women, that you aren’t the problem, it’s the fashion industry that’s the problem And you shouldn’t have to change to be worthy of being seen ”
For those in the fashion industry, Moore also has a message “Not everyone can, or wants to, take weight loss drugs And even those who do don’t magically become a size zero The plus-size population isn’t disappearing anytime soon ”
Plus-size model and opera singer
Isabella Moore features in docuseries Cutting the Curve
Photos / Julie Zhu Jason Crane
All the lonely people: Where do they all belong?
The growing loneliness epidemic is no laughing matter, but Wade Jackson, founder of Auckland’s Covert Theatre, reckons improv comedy could be the cure
In a vibrant city such as Auckland and a country known internationally for its friendliness, you wouldn’t expect Kiwis to be lonely The truth is sobering
Nearly one in five Kiwis reports feeling lonely “often” or “always”, and young people aged 14-24 are the loneliest age group of all New Zealand has one of the worst youth suicide rates in the OECD Among the known risk factors are loneliness and a lack of social connection
This isn’t just a matter of statistics to me It’s personal Tragically, the 18-year-old son of a friend of mine took his own life this year
Very few people are willing to admit they’re lonely Often, they carry a sense of shame And while men are less inclined to open up about it, women experience loneliness at roughly the same rate
Loneliness has a purpose It’s nature’s warning sign that we need to meet that ancient biological and social need for connection But it can also become a dangerous downward spiral, leading to a feeling of total alienation where we just stop trying
A successful business leader I was coaching told me he had virtually no close friends Consumed by work and family, he barely had time for himself, let alone for maintaining friendships
At Covert Theatre’s public improv classes, I always ask the newcomers sitting there nervously what brought them to class
Most are looking for more connection in their lives and to meet new people Others want more fun and to break out of the monotony of their day jobs
The third most common answer is they want help dealing with social anxiety, a condition that plagues so many young people today and increases the sense of being alone
At our Friday night shows, we’ve seen audiences dwindle It used to be the biggest night of the week for going out, but that’s changed
In part, that’s still a post-Covid hangover People have become accustomed to working from home and staying at home, watching a streaming platform rather than having a shared social experience
I was talking to someone in their late 20s who used to go out most weekends Now, they just stay at home The cost of living doesn’t help, either It’s expensive for people to socialise regularly
But online interaction can never replace real face-to-face human contact When we connect, our lives become richer and stronger, both individually and collectively as a society
So we decided to do something about it In September, we’re launching The Social Club, a free comedy show that will run every Friday night through December
Get hold of a friend you haven’t caught up with for a while and bring them along or come alone and meet someone new Then stick around, because the real magic happens after the show
We’re putting on nibbles (also free!) and inviting the audience to stay and chat with the cast and just be human together
Laughter is the fastest way to connect, so there’s no awkward small talk, you’ll meet the performers
and other comedy lovers, and be a part of something special
At the Covert Theatre, our purpose is to enhance human connection through play, at our shows, workshops and outreach programmes like the Office Comedy Clash and The Resilience Playground
Surprisingly, the essence of improv isn’t about trying to be funny The spontaneous comedy emerges as a natural by-product of that, being fully centred in the moment with somebody else in a playful state
Social scientists tell us the lack of social connection has the same impact on your lifespan as smoking 15 cigarettes a day and is more dangerous to your health than obesity, excess alcohol and a lack of exercise Human connection is the antidote to loneliness, and laughter is the fastest way to connect Spending a night laughing in person with others in real time is a beautiful human experience that will only become more precious
Once, we all watched the same TV shows at the same time Now, with so much online content and so many different ways to get your entertainment fix, it’s rare to have those shared experiences
Soon, with the rise of AI and deepfakes, we won’t know what to believe It might even get to a point where all we can trust is what we can see in person, right in front of us
So get out of the house and come to The Social Club on Friday nights Connect and laugh with others as if your life depends on it Because it does ● The Social Club will run on Friday nights at Covert Theatre in Ponsonby from September 5 to December 12 See coverttheatre com
Wade Jackson, founder/artistic director of Covert Theatre (left) and (above), with Covert general manager Edith Fumarola and theatre administrator Martin Greshoff Photo / Dean Purcel
Crimes of the Renaissance
A detective solving crimes in Renaissance Italy has turned Kiwi writer D V Bishop into an internationally published author, writes Canvas books editor Karen McMillan
The unforgettable Cesare Aldo is the complex and compelling policeman at the centre of five novels by D V Bishop But the character might never have existed if the Kiwi writer hadn’t stepped into a second-hand bookstore 20 years ago
Bishop, who now lives in Scotland, says a darkcovered book with the serious title Criminal Justice and Crime in Late Renaissance Florence, 1537-1609, caught his attention in a London bookstore
“It was a lightbulb moment when I realised that there was a criminal justice system in the Renaissance period that was roughly comparable to a modern police force ”
As Bishop did more research, he realised this could be a winning combination a crime series of police investigations set in Florence during the Renaissance, combining the best of crime thrillers with fascinating historical details and a beautiful location Now his fifth book in the Cesare Aldo series, A Carnival of Lies, has just been published
“Florence at this time was very wealthy, a place of banking and business, and it was also a political city, with the Medici family running the show It had a combination of beauty and architecture, but also politics and backstabbing And there was a criminal court and its systems they had magistrates and administrators, constables and investigating officers, lawyers and trials
“The Renaissance is an incredible period in history In the 16th century, Florence was home to great artists
and thinkers It was this crucible for the birth of what we would now call humanism There was also the rediscovery of classicism from the ancient Romans and the Greeks so a lot was going on ”
Bishop’s novels are addictive, atmospheric crime novels that transport readers back in time to walk the streets of Italy But they are also grounded in solid research into the period
Bishop admits that the amount of work he had to do was initially overwhelming He read books, academic texts and even translations of letters written by people who were alive at the time
“I once spent a whole day figuring out how to grow flax as you need flax to make linen clothes So I looked into how flax is harvested, how long it takes to grow, and how it is turned into linen I didn’t use any of this!
“I’m endlessly doing research that I don’t use But it all adds to the authenticity, and when you read historical fiction, you can tell when somebody knows their stuff The research should radiate off the page, so readers can relax into the storytelling because the writer has a degree of confidence in their period and their setting ”
What about the inimitable Cesare Aldo?
“I thought carefully about what kind of character I’d need He needed to be comfortable in all layers and levels of society Someone who could be ushered into the room to talk to the Duke of Florence but also frequent notorious taverns to gather information from the criminal low-life
“Aldo does all that He is the illegitimate son of a wealthy merchant, so he was brought up educated However, when he was 12, his father died, and Aldo was kicked out on to the street by his stepmother with nothing, not even the family name
“He was a mercenary for a spell, so he can handle himself in a fight But after an injury, he became an officer of the court, and we find he is good at observing people and solving puzzles ”
The final piece of Aldo’s character is the secrets he must keep in his personal life A gay man at a time when
it was a crime punishable by death, Aldo is forced to present a mask to the world, and he is always in danger But he can also see through other people’s masks He believes in justice even if he is sometimes on the wrong side of the law And he frequently has a problem with people in positions of authority
“He is brave to the point of foolhardiness sometimes He has a slow fuse but when he goes off, he really does go!”
Over the years, Bishop has worked for the New Zealand Herald, written radio and TV dramas for the BBC, and written Phantom graphic novels He now teaches creative writing at Edinburgh Napier University in Scotland and writes
The Aldo series has won the Ngaio Marsh Award for Best Novel, the prestigious Crime Writers’ Association Historical Dagger and NZ Booklovers Award for Best Adult Novel
Bishop has a punishing schedule, but he enjoys the balancing act of writing his novels and helping emerging writers
“I enjoy seeing students make breakthroughs, getting book deals, and achieving success One of our students recently had her first novel published in eight languages, so it’s lovely to know you have helped them along the way ” He is often asked, “Who would play Cesare Aldo if a TV series were to be made?”
Bishop says they would need to look Italian and appear confident and capable of handling themselves well in a fight
In this fifth Aldo novel, A Carnival of Lies, there is even more scope for intrigue and danger when Aldo must travel to a place where he has sworn he will never return, a city of masks and lies where he has no allies and far too many enemies: Venice
● City of Vengeance, The Darkest Sin, Ritual of Fire, A Divine Fury, and A Carnival of Lies by D V Bishop are published by Pan Macmillan
D V Bishop PHOTO / FELX MOSSE
YOUR GUIDE T THE WEEKEND AND BEYOND
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CLASSICAL CLAYMATION
For a musical experience that the whol wh nau can enjoy, get some last minute tickets to see Auckland Phil’s Wallace & Gromit in Concert this afternoon
Performed at the Kiri Te Kanawa Theatre, the concert includes custom animations along with classic clips from the Wallace & Gromit canon the visual component brought to life by the live accompaniment from Auckland Philharmonia In true Wallace & Gromit fashion, chaos and hilarity ensue when Wallace prepares to perform his own musical masterpiece It’s a wildly entertaining way to introduce your children to the wonders of a live orchestra Today, 2pm Kiri te Kanawa Theatre, Aotea Centre, Auckland Central.
Tickets start at $35 + booking fees from ticketmaster co nz PHOTO / COPYRIGHT: CARROT
PRODUCTIONS & TM AARDMAN, W&G LTD 2021. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. RESERVED
LECTURES AND LIBATIONS
The University of Auckland is Raising the Bar again on Tuesday night with 20 talks held across 10 bars in the central city Raising the Bar is a global initiative that started in New York in 2013, where University of Auckland faculty share their most exciting research and ideas in city bars There are two session times 6pm and 8pm and attendees are encouraged to bar-hop to whichever locale is hosting the talk that piques their interest most Topics include robot surgeons, animal sentience, liquids of the universe, fossil fuels and sustainability, and more Some of the most popular talks are already sold out (tickets are free), so check out the programme pronto to secure a spot August 26, 6pm and 8pm Various central city bars Visit rtbevent com/auckland to book free tickets
A LANDMARK EXHIBITION
Don Binney is one of this country’s most well-known and distinctive painters When you see a piece of his work, it’s instantly recognisable This afternoon, Gow Langsford Gallery is opening Don Binney: A Flight Through Time, a show that spans his fivedecade career, and is the first major exhibition of his works in over 20 years His iconic renderings of kereru and Te Henga (Bethells Beach) are featured pr many pieces on loan from private colle been displayed publicly in a very long is holding an opening event this aftern exhibition will remain on display at Go Onehunga gallery until late Septembe Opening today, 2pm-4pm, then Thur Saturdays until September 27. Gow 4 Princes St, Onehunga
EENY TINY MAGIC
ere’s something inexplicably enchanting out miniature things At least part of the onder has to be attributed to the time and care quired to make detailed creations on a small cale magnifying glasses and tweezers are tal instruments for miniature makers This weekend, the North Shore Miniatures Club is hosting an exhibition of their members’ tiny creations for the public If you’ve been before, you might remember the Hogwarts Castle, which is returning with updates, along with lots of new miniatures The exhibition doubles as a market for miniatures enthusiasts, with items and tools for sale Plus, there are full-size food trucks on site for full-sized appetites Today and tomorrow, 10am-4pm Albany Village Hall, cnr Library Lane and Albany Highway, Albany Entry $5 adults, $3 seniors, $2 children
TAKE A LAUNDRY HIATUS
Officially, Ecostore’s No Laundry Day for 2025 is on Friday, but what if you just don’t do any laundry all weekend? You’d be an eco-warrior, that’s what The purpose of the day is to raise awareness around water consumption and promote sustainable laundry habits that means: just because needs it doesn’t rk or ll commit load of week, we’d 00 million ater per tting out sework ever felt so ous st 29 (or ay) Visit ore com/ -laundrymore ion
PHOTO / DON BINNEY, TUI OVER TE HENGA,
FINISHES THIS SUNDAY
26 July - 24 August
131 Queen Street, Auckland Central
ARE YOU LOST?
On Tuesday night, E Ngaro Ana Koe? opens at Basement Theatre The name of this multimedia dance performance translates to “are you lost?” a question the piece is asking in the broadest sense Director Ella Rerekura (Te ati Haunui-aPaparangi, Ngati Rangi, Ngati Tuwharetoa) is joined by seven dancers two beaming in digitally from Australia exploring through movement the idea of meeting “the taniwha that lives inside us” Incorporating dance, poetry, archival film and sculpture, E Ngaro Ana Koe? is an original and highly personal directorial debut from wahine Maori dancer, writer, and artist Rerekura, and is well worth checking out August 26-30, 8pm B Auckland Central Tic basementtheatre co
Tomorrow evening, South Auckland s Manukau Symphony Orchestra performs Pastorale, a concert of old and new compositions, with some exciting special guests The orchestra, conducted by Emeritus Professor at the University of Auckland’s School of Music, Uwe Grodd, will perform Salina Fisher’s Kintsugi for Orchestra, a piece originally composed for NZTrio, who will join the orchestra for their second piece of the evening: Beethoven’s Triple Concerto The concert concludes with Beethoven’s Pastorale Symphony No 6, an ode to nature In the face of ongoing funding challenges, MSO works tirelessly to make classical music accessible to the community in Sout Auckland, so do head along and sup these talented musicians if you can Tomorrow, 5pm Four Winds Theat at Due Drop Events Centre, 770 Gr South Rd, Manukau City Tickets start at $15 + booking fees from eventfinda.co.nz PLAN AHEAD
SYMPHONY OF THE SOUTH
COMING UP
DARKLIGHT: The Edge of Light: September 2-4, Okahu Bay, Auckland.
Roadkill, The Uber-Cool Musical: September 3-6 and 24-27, Basement Theatre, Auckland.
Mother Play: September 4-20, Q Theatre, Auckland.
Light + Shade, photojournalism exhibition: September 5-14, Auckland.
SPINNING A GOOD YAR
Opera’s The Monster in the Maze: September 5-20, Christchurch, Wellington, Auckland.
Indie Game Showcase: September 6, Wynyard Quarter, Auckland.
oanga Festival: September 12-21, Te Pou Theatre, Auckland.
Auckland Horticultural Council SPRING SHOW: September 13, Western Springs, Auckland.
The Young (youth arts festival): September 16-28, Auckland.
World of WearableArt (WOW): September 18-October 5, TSB Arena, Wellington.
Basement Theatre, Lower Greys Ave, ckets $17-$30 + booking fees from nz
In Auckland’s oldest arcade, an age-old tradition is on display KNIT: original fashion created from yarn is both an exhibition of yarn-based crafts like crochet, macrame and weaving, and a series of workshops for curious crafters Today, there is The Buddy System, which is exactly what it sounds like a learn-to-crochet event in which experienced crocheters are on-site to teach visitors how to crochet simple stitches and make flowers that will be added to a flower wall Tomorrow is a similar event: Learn from Experience, where visitors can ask the experts to help them solve their yarn-based woes, advance them to the next stage of their project, or simply observe the experts’ nimble fingers in action Exhibition from now until August 31 The Buddy System: today, 10am-4pm Learn from Experience: tomorrow, 11am-3pm Shop 17, Strand Arcade, 227 Queen St, Auckland Central FREE Visit nzfashionmuseum org nz/knit-full-eventprogramme/ for more information
Art in the Park: September 18-21, Eden Park, Auckland.
Bach Musica NZ’s World Premieres & Bach: September 21, Auckland Town Hall.
It’s Alive by Impoverished: September 23-27, Pumphouse Theatre, Auckland.
Can I Get an Underground Location and a Mythical Creature: September 25-28, Pumphouse Theatre, Takapuna.
BEAUTY BRAN
ND POP-U
New Zealand busines Aleph has popped up week, and it’s the plac some personalised sh consultations and to l little beauty brand tha not see Aleph founder pop-up much this wee makeup artist for New Week, but you will get nevertheless Peters’ all about sustainability and in this econom supporting local, ethic is where it’s at Daily until August 31 Ponsonby Central
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1, 9am-5pm
Hot Wheels Monster Trucks Live: October 4, Eden Park, Auckland.
Faulty Towers The Dining Experience: October 8-26, Christchurch, Wellington, Whanganui, New Plymouth, Rotorua, Tauranga, Auckland.
Stones in His Pockets by Marie Jones: October 9-18, Artworks Theatre, Waiheke.
The NZ Highwaymen tour: October 15-19, Tauranga, Putaruru, Auckland, Whangarei, Orewa Nelson Arts Festival: October 23-November 2, Nelson.
Bill Bailey Vaudevillean: nationwide tour from October 29-November 23.
NZ Sculpture OnShore: November 7-23, Devonport, Auckland.
SHAY, SHAN U BETTER
ANTAY R WORK
New Zealand Fash off on Monday, off opportunities for bo and the fashion-cu Aotearoa’s hottest lineup includes show Hogan, Karen Walke Untouched World, many more emerging designers The week Beyond the Runway sp university graduates’ sh schools’ show, the inaug Cancer Cure Designer the retrospective Into our annual ode to ae a celebration of N innovative and inspi August 25-30 Shed Waterfront Ticket nzfashionweek.
PHOTO PLAN AHEAD
hion Week kicks fering plenty of both fashionistas urious to discover design talent The ows from Juliette ker, Kathryn Wilson, Zambesi, and ng and established k also features the speaker series, a show, a secondary ugural Breast r Showcase, and the Archives It’s sthetic excellence New Zealand’s most iring designers ed 10, Auckland ts from k.com
CREDIT / MARA SOMMER.
Eddie Izzard The Remix Tour Live: November 21-26, Christchurch, Wellington, Auckland.
H.R. The Musical #2: November 25-December 6, Q Theatre, Auckland. Kirk Franklin, The World Tour: December 10-13, Christchurch, Wellington, Auckland.
Dynamotion & Q Theatre present A Christmas Crisis: December 10-20, Q Theatre, Auckland.
Oprah In Conversation: December 14, Spark Arena, Auckland The ASB Classic: January 5-17, Auckland. Jimmy Carr Laughs Funny Tour: Nationwide 7-28 January, 2026.
Murder on the Orient Express [return season]: February 7-15, 2026, ASB Waterfront Theatre, Auckland.
Splore 2026: February 20-22, Tapapapakanga Regional Park, Auckland.
Manuka Phuel Synthony Festival: March 21, Auckland Domain.
The Rocky Horror Picture Show (West End touring cast): February 26-March 8, The Civic, Auckland.
Email canvasguide@nzherald co nz with brief details of your upcoming event, including dates/times, location and website
Qua
BOWL
me over
to produce yummy baked treats, says Nici Wickes
Are you a cook or a baker? Most people lean one way or the other Cooks thrive on spontaneity a splash of this, a handful of that, tasting and adjusting as they go Bakers, on the other hand, like to adhere to the strictness of recipes, enthralled by the alchemy of eggs, butter, sugar and flour
My mother was unique in that she was an excellent cook as well as a baker and she baked the way she cooked a bit of this, a dash of that and I too have followed her in this I’m forever substituting one ingredient for another when I realise I haven’t got what the recipe calls for and adjusting ingredient measurements as I go to correct consistencies, texture etc
I think the adage of “baking is an exact science” can put people off baking as well as the fact that baking has gotten very grandiose of late; when I’m talking about everyday baking I’m definitely not talking about a three-tier sponge layered with homemade curd and hand-piped buttercream All that mess of bowls and tins and gadgets is the very opposite of thrilling to me! Most of the baking I do falls into the category of one-bowl baking It’s tidy, fuss-free and it’s the kind of baking that feels possible for anyone to have a crack at
My favourite one-bowl chocolate cake is a shining example Everything goes into a single mixing bowl to get beaten together before it’s poured into a tin and baked That’s it No creaming butter and sugar, no separating eggs, no washing up a tower of bowls The result? A cake that’s moist, chocolatey and reliable every single time Honestly, I’ve never had it fail me
Then there’s the four-ingredient cookies that live in my repertoire Peanut butter, sugar, an egg and chocolate chips That’s it Mix, shape, bake
They emerge chewy in the middle, crisp at the edges and impossibly moreish You can swap the peanut butter for almond butter if that’s what you’ve got And, they’re gluten free!
If you’re nervous about baking, here’s my tip: start by getting all your ingredients out first It sounds obvious, but it helps you see what you have and what you might need to substitute Ask yourself does the missing ingredient add structure (like flour, sugar or eggs), fat (like butter or oil), or flavour/texture (like chocolate or nuts)? Then think about what else in your kitchen might do that job Most dairy products are interchangeable milk, cream, sour cream, cre ` me fraiche, yoghurt as are fats Oil can be subbed in for butter, just use a little less, or use cream or cream cheese Baking can be more forgiving than you imagine, especially when you keep it simple
So if you don’t see yourself as “a baker”, give it a try and remember to relax and enjoy it you really don’t need to wear a white lab coat to have success but feel free!
One bowl chocolate cake
When life calls for cake, I turn to this one I like that it can be made in whatever shape you please I favour a loaf shape as it cuts so well (and somehow brings a sensibleness to the decadence), but you can make it in a round tin if you prefer I lavishly ice it with a gorgeous milk chocolate icing (hint: the sour cream takes it to the next level) but you can leave it plain and it’s just as tempting And guess what? It’s a onebowl wonder and you’ve got to love that!
Makes 10-12 slices
Cake
2 cups self-raising flour (or 2 cups plain + 1 teaspoon baking powder)
1⁄3 cup cocoa
1 tsp baking soda
1⁄2 tsp salt
2⁄3 cup cooking oil (or use a mix of oil and melted butter)
2⁄3 cup natural yoghurt
2 small-medium eggs
1⁄4 cup white sugar
1⁄3 cup loosely packed brown sugar
2 tsp vanilla essence
2⁄3 cup strong hot coffee (or use Milo or just boiling water for a kid-friendly version)
Milk chocolate icing
1 cup icing sugar
3 heaped Tbsp cocoa
2 Tbsp butter
2 Tbsp milk
2 Tbsp sour cream or cream cheese
Preheat the oven to 160C fan bake Grease and line
a deep 22cm loaf tin (or 20cm springform tin)
Place all the cake ingredients, except the hot coffee, in a large bowl of a stand mixer and beat to just combined Add the hot coffee and beat for one minute
Scrape into the prepared tin Bake for 55 minutes or until a skewer comes out clean I like to rotate the cake once during cooking to ensure it cooks evenly
Allow the cake to settle and cool for 15 minutes in the tin before removing and allowing to cool completely
Mix all the icing ingredients together until smoothly blended Swirl over the cooled cake and set aside until the icing has set
Slice and eat!
Note: Replace sour cream in the icing with cream cheese for a richer, firmer icing
These are ridiculously good and they just happen to be gluten free! Chewy, densely rich and very moreish
Makes 10 cookies
3⁄4 cup raw sugar
1 cup peanut butter
1 large egg
50g dark chocolate, roughly chopped
Preheat the oven to 180C and line a baking tray with baking paper
With an electric beater or a food processor, mix sugar, peanut butter and egg until combined Add the chopped chocolate and mix briefly Roll dough into balls about the size of a walnut or golf ball, depending on how big you like your cookie
Flatten with your palm Bake for 14-16 minutes, flattening again at the 8-minute mark
Cool on a rack Store in an airtight container
Peanut Chocolate Cookies
1
1
1
3
SPICE UP YOUR EVENING
A pressure cooker cooks this bold meat dish in a surprisingly short time perfect when you want a hearty meal after a busy day Or pop it in the slow cooker and come home to a house redolent with delicious smells Serve with crusty bread or a creamy mash to soak up the sauce
Chocolate Lamb Shanks Serves
Method
Add the oil to a large deep frying pan over high heat Sear the lamb shanks in batches until browned, then set aside
Turn the heat down to medium, add extra oil if needed, then add onion and garlic to the pan
Saute for 3-4 minutes, stirring often Place the lamb shanks in a pressure cooker bowl with bone sticking upward Add the rest of the ingredients, so the lamb meat is covered Cook for 45 minutes The shanks will cook beautifully meat easily pulls off the bone
If you are using a conventional slow cooker, cook on High for 4 hours or on Low for 8 hours
Remove cinnamon quill then season to taste with salt and pepper Serve with crusty white bread or your favourite sides fresh.co.nz
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WNBF New Zealand North Island Naturals
30 August
Bodybuilding Show where natural greatness takes the stage!
Sean Collyns Medium
31 August
An afternoon of spirit connections
Creative Talks
1 September
Wild western is a whirlwind watch FRANCESCA
AFeaturing powerhouse performer Jackie Clarke, free event!
ri Aster is a heck of an interesting filmmaker He’s not afraid to create films which challenge both genres and his audience Regardless of whether you love or hate them (Hereditary, Midsommar, Beau is Afraid) he always gives us something to talk about Eddington is no different In fact this could be his most divisive film yet
At first glance it appears to be a political statement, but it’s more a neo-Western and satirical blackcomedy which raises a mirror to society during a particularly turbulent time
It may be too soon for some to head back to the depths of Covid 19, but there’s that and a lot else besides The story also spans the Black Lives Movement, the rise of Antifa, environmental concerns about AI data banks, conspiracy theories about a powerful ring of paedophiles and other rabbit holes Little is off limits and it makes for a whirlwind of a watch
Eddington starts out relatable
RUDKIN Reviews
life starts falling apart and the quiet streets of Eddington are overrun with BLM protesters
From here things escalate in ways extreme and farcical
Eddington is filled with people who know things aren’t quite right but don’t know how to fix it
Aster spent the pandemic in his home state New Mexico, and inspired to document the period he created the fictional town of Eddington Covid has yet to reach the small town, so Sheriff Joe Cross (Joaquin Phoenix), who also happens to be asthmatic, is less inclined to enforce new mask mandates which are supported by local mayor Ted Garcia (Pedro Pascal)
After a particularly frustrating run-in with Garcia at the local supermarket Cross announces on a whim he will run for mayor in the upcoming local elections
His fragile wife Louise (Emma Stone) is furious that she wasn’t consulted and gets further swept up in her mother Dawn’s (Deirdre O’Connell) obsession with conspiracy theories, and cult leader Vernon (Austin Butler)
Cross recruits his young colleagues, including Michael (Michael Ward), one of the town’s few black residents, to help run his campaign
Things go well until Cross’ family
They’re paranoid and rely on social media and the internet to tell them how to respond to the world around them
The story begins and ends with a conversation about an AI data centre being built in the town which is Aster telling us he doesn’t think we’ll be any less reliant on tech in the future
The ending is somewhat contentious and viewers will have different perspectives about what’s going on Aster leaves us to draw our own conclusions depending on our own world views
Whatever you think of the final outcome, it’s worth seeing Eddington just for the brilliant performances Each and every cast member delivers their character wholeheartedly, which is what Aster needs to be able to pull this chaos off
And for the most part he does Eddington isn’t perfect
It’s frustrating and uneven at times, but for the most part it’s a fearless mix of humour, sharp observation and violence befitting a modern-day Western
Swanning into the sunset
Today’s Hollywood thinks it can stave off ageing. Norma Desmond shows us why that’s madness, in close-up, writes Ty Burr.
It was January 1950, and a new motion picture had just finished its first preview screening for a select Hollywood audience
The movie wouldn’t open to the public until August 10, but 300 of the industry’s most important studio executives, producers, directors and stars were crowded into the theatre The movie was called Sunset Blvd , and the word was that it was nitroglycerin
As the end credits came up over the final image of silent film has-been Norma Desmond advancing on the camera, her fingers curled in a demented come-hither dance for the audience, the assembled glitterati staggered out, astonished at what they’d seen: a Hollywood movie that pulled back the tinselled illusion of their company town, revealing the decay Many of the guests clustered around the movie’s star, Gloria Swanson, a legend of silent cinema making an unparalleled comeback Barbara Stanwyck got down and kissed the hem of Swanson’s gown, a wonderful we’re-not-worthy moment that briefly reinstated the old order
silent-film star was a brilliantly cruel parody of her own career and most of her peers’, she recognised it as both true and a hell of a part Swanson looked much younger than her 52 years and bristled at the idea of making a screen test (for Paramount, the studio she had helped build) But she got the irony, and the horror, and the many levels of its daring Inside Norma’s Hollywood haunted house is a brutal concordance of Wilder fiction with wilder reality Norma’s butler, Max her former husband and director is played by director Erich von Stroheim, and the film they screen one night is Queen Kelly, a notorious, unfinished 1928 fiasco von Stroheim made with Swanson Using it was von Stroheim’s idea; he got the joke, too, and all too well
Over in a corner, however, MGM head Louis B Mayer arguably the most powerful man in town fumed to a group of yes-men According to Sam Staggs’s 2002 book, Close-Up on Sunset Boulevard, Mayer spied the director of Sunset Blvd , the Austrian-born Billy Wilder, crossing the lobby and stalked over, red in the face, screaming, “You befouled your own nest! You should be kicked out of the country, tarred and feathered ” Wilder’s response has been variously reported as “Go f*** yourself” and “Go s*** in your hat,” but Mayer’s rage is understandable He had helped create the system that Sunset Blvd exposed as a sham a star system in which human beings were tweaked and polished and remade until they were gods of the screen
But the thing about gods is that they never age Film is eternal; Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman are still on that tarmac at the end of Casablanca, and they always will be The sin of Sunset Blvd and for the Mayers of Hollywood, the unspeakable heresy is that it was the first movie to admit that stars get old
Well, of course they do Everyone knows that now There are second acts and third acts and sometimes even fourth acts in popular culture, as actors and other celebrities reinvent themselves into fresh personas and new mediums, ageing with grace or plastic surgery In 1950, though, this was shocking news, and it’s worth asking why
The answer turns out to be disarmingly simple: there were movie stars of an earlier generation, but an industrial revolution had banished them from sight The coming of talking pictures in the late 1920s was a comet that killed off dozens of dinosaurs A handful survived Garbo, Chaplin, a newly minted ingenue named Joan Crawford Most vanished into ostentatious mansions or dwindling roles; some walked away; some took their own lives The point is that no one ever saw them age, and so the town’s secret, the big lie, was safe By the late 1940s, though, there were rumblings The new stars of the talkies Bette Davis and Mae West, James Cagney and Katharine Hepburn, actors who sounded like no one but themselves were edging into their 40s The men were allowed to get older, with Bogart proving some actors are best left to age like firewood or Scotch The women saw nullification on the horizon No wonder Stanwyck knelt before Swanson that night: she saw an almost certain career obsolescence disappear (and went on to act in movies and TV until she was in her late 70s)
The grand irony, of course, is that while Sunset
Blvd was feted in the movie industry as a triumph for Swanson, the message to audiences and the future was the opposite: that movie stars continue on even after we’re done with them, turning in on themselves to gnaw on the adoration they once received from the world That applause gone silent leads to insanity, scandal, monkey funerals and dead screenwriters in the swimming pool (Among other things, Sunset Blvd was arguably the first movie to be narrated by a corpse, Norma’s kept man, Joe Gillis, played by William Holden ) Even without Andrew Lloyd Webber’s 1993 Broadway musical adaptation (whose Tony Awardwinning 2024 revival just closed), Sunset Blvd lives on for audiences that have never seen the movie but can quote “I’m ready for my close-up, Mr DeMille” with the proper delusional fervour Swanson in the silent era was a melodramatic fashion plate whose life offscreen was as glamorous as the romantic fantasies she made with director Cecil B DeMille at Paramount (She had three marriages by 1931, including one to a French count ) But by 1949, when Wilder approached her to play Norma, she was earning US$350 a week as a television talk show host in New York She promptly divorced her fifth husband and got on the first train west, and she hadn’t even read the script Give her credit, though When she did read the script and realised this sordid tale of a forgotten
In the end, though, the triumph was short-lived Swanson got work but not enough to sustain a second film career, and she realised too late that the role had eclipsed the actor in the public’s eyes Nominated for a 1951 best actress Oscar, she lost to Judy Holliday in Born Yesterday, and as the reporters clustered around her afterward, “it slowly dawned on me that they were unconsciously asking for a bigger-than-life scene, or, better still, a mad scene More accurately, they were trying to flush out Norma Desmond ”
The quote is from her 1981 memoir, Swanson on Swanson, a great read for its clarity, honesty and colossal star vanity No matter how much she played the diva, Swanson understood the game and her part in it “I may not have got an Academy Award,” she writes, “but I had somehow convinced the world once again of that corniest of all theatrical cliches that on very rare artistic occasions the actor actually becomes the part Barrymore is Hamlet Garbo is Camille Swanson is Norma Desmond ”
And so, for most people, she remains Norma was Swanson’s last major role, the one that embodied all those aspects of celebrity the culture avoids until it’s time to feed on the bones Sunset Blvd is about the quiet after the acclaim and the madness that can accompany it It’s about the egotism necessary to sustain stardom Most subversive of all and here, I think, is the source of Mayer’s rage is the idea that famous people need us more than we need them The moral of Sunset Blvd is that fame is a drug, but it’s the withdrawal that kills The Washington Post
Gloria Swanson as Norma Desmond in the famous final scene of Sunset Blvd Photo / Getty mages
7
4
0
7pm F The Dog House 0 A teenaged farmer seeks a tractor cab companion who can dance – a cocker spaniel might hit the right note.
8pm Lotto
8.05 Bradley Walsh and Son: Breaking Dad 3 0 Starting in Florida, the pair head to the Palm Beach International Raceway, before getting up close to sharks.
8.35 Murder in a Small Town MV 0 Cassandra’s childhood friend investigates her husband’s disappearance and the crime scene at her home, uncovering secrets and the truth behind their marriage.
9 30 Grand Designs New Zealand 3 A couple embrace their son’s concept of building a brick house in a sand dune at Mangawhai.
10.25 Elsbeth M 3
11 20 Sherwood 16VL 3
12.25 The Split 16S 3
1 30 Dr Death MLSC 3 (Starting Today)
2 20 Quiz
0
3 30 Infomercials
6am Children’s Programmes Care Bears – Unlock the Magic; Tikaro Tribe; Kiri and Lou; Gus the Itsy Bitsy Knight; Agent Binky – Pets of the Universe; Teen Titans Go; Transformers – Earthspark; Megamind Rules.
9 10 Holly Hobbie 3 0
9.35 F Young Riders 0 10am Fresh PG 0
10.35 Shortland Street Omnibus PG 3
Noon Gladiators Celebrity Special 3 0 Bradley and Barney Walsh host a special edition, which sees celebrities Rob Beckett, Joel Dommett, Louise Minchin and Ellie Taylor take on the Gladiators.
1.10 Dynamo: Magician Impossible Special PG 3
2pm The Amazing Race Australia: Celebrity Edition PGL 3
3.25 The Goldbergs PG 3
4 15 The Hundred with Andy Lee PG 3
5.10 Two and a Half Men PGC 3
6 05 The Big Bang Theory PG 3 0
7pm America’s Got Talent 0 It is the end of the auditions as contestants of all ages try to win the cash prize.
8 45 M Knocked Up 16LS 3 2007
Comedy The last thing a man expected was for his onenight stand to arrive on his doorstep eight weeks later telling him she is pregnant. Katherine Heigl, Seth Rogan, Paul Rudd
11 10 Mel Giedroyc: Unforgiveable ML 3
12am M 3:10 to Yuma 16VL 2007
Western
2 05 Dr Death: The Undoctored Story PGC
2.50 Killerpost MV
4 25 Fresh PG 3
4.50 Closedown 5am Infomercials
6am Charles Stanley PG
6 30 Infomercials
9 30 The Vet Life PG 0 Dr Lavigne investigates a dog thought to be a hermaphrodite.
10 30 Dr Jeff: Rocky Mountain Vet PG 0 Dr Jeff comes to the rescue of an injured raccoon found in an illegal trap.
11 25 The Zoo 3
12.25 Tournament of Champions PG In one-on-one, sudden death clashes, three chefs conquer their opponents and the randomizer.
2pm Lakefront Bargain Hunt 3 0
2 30 Unsellable Houses 0
3 30 Parental Guidance PG 3 0
5pm Little Giants PG 0 Bradley and Billy are in southern California to find a super predator, the sugar glider.
5 30 Ocean Bounty 0 John Young shares his knowledge and passion for mussels, and find out about the connection between mussel farming and recreational snapper fishing in Golden Bay.
6pm Three News 0
6.30 M The Neverending Story 3 0 1984 Fantasy A troubled boy enters a fantasy world through the pages of a book.
8.30 M Blade Runner 16 0 1982 Sci-fi Thriller A blade runner must terminate replicants who steal a ship in space and return to Earth to find their creator. Harrison Ford
10 45 Doom Patrol 16 To save the world from The Candlemaker, the Doom Patrol must first face their childhood imaginary friends.
11 45 In the Eye of the Storm M 3
12.45 Infomercials
5am Leading the Way PG
5 30 Charles Stanley PG
9am Moe and Friends 3 0
9.15 Extreme Cake Sports 3 0
9 35 Kea Kids News 3 0
10am Infomercials
11 30 Rugby: FPC (DLY) Taranaki v Tasman. From Stadium Taranaki, Taranaki.
2pm Rugby: Heartland Championship (DLY) King Country v Poverty Bay From Owen Delany Park, Taupo.
4.30 Rugby League: NRL (HLS) Rabbitohs v Dragons.
4 45 Rugby League: NRL (HLS) Panthers v Raiders.
5pm Rugby: Women’s World Cup (HLS) 0 Matchday One.
6pm Pointless Australia 0 Contestants must score as few points as possible to come up with the answers no-one else can think of.
7pm Rugby: NPC (DLY) Auckland v Northland From Eden Park, Auckland.
9.30 Rugby League: NRL (DLY) Titans v Warriors. From Cbus Super Stadium, Gold Coast.
11.30 M The Equalizer 18VLS 3 0 2014 Action. McCall is living the quiet life, until he meets a young girl under the control of gangsters and he once again takes up the fight for justice. Denzel Washington, Marton Csokas, Chloe Grace Moretz.
2am Infomercials
6
11am Interior Design Masters with Alan Carr 3 0 Noon Attitude 0 A four-year-old has mucolipidosis, a lifelimiting condition, but her whanau’s focus is to make the most of each day. 12 30 Find My Country House Canada 0
1pm Emmerdale PG 0
1 30 Coronation Street PG 3 0
2pm Chateau DIY 3 0
3pm NZ Hunter Adventures PG 3 0
4pm Love it or List it NZ 3 0
5pm The Chase 3 0
6pm 1News at Six 0
7pm Country Calendar 0 A Bay of Plenty family leads the way, growing gold kiwifruit with the use of cutting-edge technology and careful soil management
7.30 Love it or List it NZ 0
Despite years of decorating, a whanau’s dysfunctional home has them beat. It tests Alex and hands Paul his best possible scenario.
8 25 My Life is Murder M The pub quiz is home to bitter rivals and bad winners, and Alexa and Madison have just one night to catch a killer before the suspects scatter
9.25 Bergerac ML Chloe finds evidence to back John Blakely’s accusations; a development leads the team to suspect one of Jersey’s most notorious criminals.
10 25 Code of Silence ML
11.20 Q+A with Jack Tame 3
12 30 Infomercials
0
6am Children’s Programmes
8.30 What Now? 0
9.30 The Voice USA 0 11am Home and Away Omnibus PG 3 0
1pm Don’t Forget the Lyrics 3 0
1 55 MKR PG 3 0
3 30 M Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa 3 0 2008 Animation. Hoping to return to New York via a penguin-piloted plane, Alex the lion, Marty the zebra, Melman the giraffe and Gloria the hippo crash on the African plains.
5.10 Two and a Half Men PG 3 0
6.05 The Big Bang Theory 3 0
7pm N Warren’s Vortex PG 0 Warren and his daughter Lucy are hurled through time to a world where intelligent refrigerators have taken over the world.
7 30 Gladiators UK 0 Hosts Bradley and Barney Walsh reveal the return of the iconic event Atlaspheres, as the gritty contenders battle for a spot in the quarter-finals.
8.45 M The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard 16VLS 3 0 2021 Action Comedy A bodyguard and a hitman embark on a life-threatening mission –protecting the hitman’s con artist wife. Ryan Reynolds, Samuel L Jackson.
10 50 Watson MC 3
11 35 FBI: International MV The killing of an American businessman in Bratislava, sees the team working with an unscrupulous local detective while protecting the only witness.
12.20 Seal Team 16VLC
1.10 F Dr Death: The Undoctored Story PGC
2am Killerpost MV
3 30 Infomercials
5 30 Closedown
6am Beachfront Bargain Hunt
3 0
6.30 Leading the Way PG
7am Charles Stanley PG
8am Key of David PG
8.30 Turning Point PG
9am Guy’s Ranch Kitchen PG 0
9.25 The Hui
10am You Live in What? 3
10 50 The Great Food Truck Race
11 45 Motorsport: DTM (HLS)
1pm Motorsport: World GT Endurance Championship (HLS)
2pm Motorsport: British Superbikes (HLS)
3pm Motorsport: Nascar Cup Series (HLS)
4pm Motorsport: MotoGP (HLS)
5pm Gold Rush: Dave Turin’s Lost Mine PG 0 A landslide threatens Team Turin’s camp.
6pm Three News 0
6.30 Hospice Heroes PG 0 Marleen and Andrea visit the local marae; the hospice team bids farewell to patients who have died over the past six months.
7pm The Floor Australia 0 Aussies with their own area of expert knowledge duel to conquer the floor and win cash.
8 10 M Kong: Skull Island M 3 2017 Action. After the Vietnam War, a team of soldiers and scientists sets sail for a fabled Pacific island where they find equally fabled creatures. Tom Hiddleston, Brie Larson, Samuel L Jackson.
10.30 Heels 16 Everything culminates with Harmageddon – DWL versus Dystopia; Jack and Ace might forgive each other
11 40 Gold Rush: Dave Turin’s Lost Mine PG 3
12 40 Infomercials
6am Takaro Tribe 3 0
6 30 Kea Kids News 3 0
7am Religious Programmes
9am Tagata Pasifika 0
9.30 Rugby League: NRL Titans v Warriors.
9 45 Rugby League: NRL Eels v Roosters.
10am Football: Premier League Goal Rush Noon Golf: PGA Tour 0 BMW Championship From Caves Valley Golf Club in Owings Mills, Maryland
1pm Rugby League: NRLW Titans v Dragons.
1.15 Rugby League: NRLW Eels v Roosters.
1 30 Motorsport: Monster Jam 0
2 30 Rugby Championship: Argentina v All Blacks (DLY) 0
4.30 Rugby: Women’s World Cup 0 Matchday Two.
5 30 Rugby Nation
6pm Pointless Australia 0 7pm Gordon Ramsay’s Secret Service 0 8pm Robson Green’s Weekend Escapes PG 0 Robson’s sisters join him for activities in Northumberland, including snorkelling, puffin watching and a motorbike sidecar trip.
8.30 Yellowstone 16VLSC 0 Kayce makes a bold move; Rip asks for help from a friend in Texas; the bunkhouse contemplates their future; Jamie attempts to cover his tracks.
9 30 George and Tammy 16VLSC 3 0 The only Christmas present Tammy wants is George’s sobriety, and when he cannot deliver, she delivers an ultimatum.
10.30 The Breakdown 11 30 Rugby League: NRLW Warriors v Sharks.
12am All American: Homecoming MLS 1am Infomercials
Across
1 Luggage and cash mostly stored in hotel rooms (9)
6 Reach rickety gate ahead of time (3,2)
9. Employer of donor manipulated unearned income (5,3,3,4)
10. One, twice involved in arrest, forged collectable items (8)
11. Side dish, say, largely served with cooked lamb (6)
13. There’s no end to unprocessed, worthless stuff (4)
15 understanding (9)
17 Wheels ain’t so shoddy after deterioration (9)
19 Children who are not required to do school sums (4)
22 Work with a nervous condition (6)
23. Lashings of light, creamy dish, also known as Greek food (8)
26. Fails one’s colleagues as teeshot dwindles badly (4,3,4,4)
27. Converted dormitory, lacking
28. Seated rebel wearing ID is held up to ridicule (9)
Down
1 Serious wound probed by doctor (6)
2 Discounter blended gin with mineral water in the end (7)
3 Weep quietly in front of entrance to the burial chamber (5)
4. Craftsman’s attitude mother’s noticed in family member (10)
5. Black deposit made of sulphur excessively built up (4)
6. Go and make an impression, locking in an average sponsor (9)
7. Hardship is beginning to test capital of Russia (7)
Observer Everyman
8 Swimmer caught in lock without trunks apparently (8)
12. Guitar player is on to upset orchestra member (10)
14. One in a shelter involved in boring job of information gathering (4,5)
16 Spotted government agent hanging around corrupt clerk (8)
18. Leading part of the swine? (7)
Last week
20 Soft drink mostly carried by milk suppliers and drink suppliers (7)
21. One losing head in charge will be admonished (6)
24. Put a skewer through small piece of fruit (5)
25. Makes watery dish not written down (4)
Across: 1 Phrase, 4. Virago, 8. Plant out, 10. Curate, 11 Strike, 12 Aberdeen, 13 Cigarette, 15. Slab, 16. Plea, 18. Heartsick, 20. Merchant, 21 Top out, 22 Edgers, 23. Reunions, 24 Retest, 25 Reader Down: 1 Political leader, 2. Ringing, 3. Stone, 5. Increment, 6 Abrades, 7 On the backburner, 9. Toastmaster, 14. Rehearses, 17 Ancient, 19. Implied, 21 Truce
How to play It’s like sudoku: each vertical and horizontal line has to contain the numbers 1-6, and the numbers can’t be repeated in any row or column The numbers in each heavily outlined set of squares must produce the number in the top corner For example, 5+ means the numbers add up to 5, 15x means the numbers multiply to 15
Across
1 From America (8)
6. Change direction (4)
7 Flatten (6)
9. A month (5)
11. Sit on this (5)
12 Railway coaches pulled by an engine (5)
13 Go by bike (5)
16. Animal like a small horse with big ears (6)
18. Insect like a furry
19 Something which has no sense or meaning (8)
Down
1. Tried (9)
2 Mistake (5)
3. All the people in a play (4)
4. Badly behaved (7)
5. A large passenger vehicle (3)
Across 1 Desert’s imperfection (6)
4 Young woman clasped by topless emotional agent (8)
9 In audition, roll out fairytale (6)
10 Master of Ceremonies: ‘Kneel, trembling, left enthralled’ and this actor is knighted (8)
12 Going crazy, like the 7d user growing only weeds? (6,3,4)
14 in stunned state, part of Iberia (9)
16 About right: song of praise withdrawing beliefs (5)
17 Playwright’s uncomfortable condition, ‘vacuous’ Elton (5)
19 Absent dog recovered where many balls thrown (9)
21 Following Restoration, loyalist –sneak, probably (2,6,2,3)
24 Encourage – not entirely – with tech that’s not actually there (2,6)
25 Cold drink? Fine ‘Ice T’, perhaps? Not quite (6)
26 Stocky Yves suffering in high temperature (5-3)
27 Sign Everyman’s backsliding twice, defending bull regularly (6) Down
1 Feature cryptic depiction of toast? (6,4)
2 Succeeds – where Chair-O-Planes are seen – to be heard (5)
13 Consumes, in the north, the (10)
Carried by Qantas, man’s eastbound – here? (6,3)
20 Integral of triangle, say? (7)
In the Pyrenees, the swan rises
Someone in Kachera
3 Embody spirit of BBC2? (7) 5 art? It’s up there (12) 6 That woman will account for varnish (7) 7 All holy books giving people time, room to grow (9) 8 Pull one across the pond (4) 11 cutting (7,5)
(4)
Worn on
church song (4)
Tree with acorns (3)
