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@localtradetheory
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@localtradetheory
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Can the high street compete with on-line trade? Let’s hope so. I’ve installed a wi-fi in the caf. Come and use it! @localtradetheory Café owner and local trader. Opinions and attitudes my own, not the city council’s.
BUT DO NOT do your amazon shopping on it! 2
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Specialities: full English breakfast, builders tea, strong coffee, homemade cakes and a complimentary joke for every customer.
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Good news: British workers want easy money. Bad news: There ain’t any easy money left. 12
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You won’t beat my prices! For today only two for one on cream tarts. #hotdeal
If I took a 5min break every 5min I’d give myself the sack too! That lazy ‘barista’ of mine won’t finish pouring coffee because it’s 2past5.
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Urgent: Looking for a local, hard working, loyal, easygoing, smart person who likes people and shows up to work on time. #properjob
You must also be able to tell the difference between coffee and tea. Good pay and…
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My high street has been converted into a one-way system. Has the council lost its marbles? #WTF
F**k pedestrianisation! Where will I park my van? 2
A new café opened on the street. They sell coffee 5p cheaper. But it’s bitter! … employer with good manners and a good heart.
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Guess what! My barber gave me a haircut for free because he likes my coffee. (He didn’t have change for a £20 note) #neighbours
I told my barber my life story. He said he heard better. 12
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6am I am running late to the caf and there are already 3 blokes on the park with a bottle. Who the f**k sold it to them? #WTF 9
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This morning’s revelation: I love my high street and won’t move my café anywhere else. Did you know that Beth from @LoveAnimals cleans posh houses on the weekend to keep her pet shop open? Buy your pet food from her not Asda!
This afternoon’s revelation: I might reconsider after all. 2
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YES I would open a shop during a recession! It’s better than signing on. 3
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I woke up with this thought: there is no customer loyalty left. Time to act, people! Cut up your Tesco card today! #Tescoisevil
@apocalypse1968 It’s worth it! My caf gets me out of my house.
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Apologies to all applicants but I can’t employ any more people.
Like I heard on the radio: Come back when the recovery finally arrives on a delayed train from London. #leftbehind 20
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Last night’s dream: I have a chain of coffee shops and a full head of brown hair. #baldy 1
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There ain’t a lot of spending money around but 90p per coffee is still a good deal, right? #coffee @rash_bum caf is a popular and straightforward business. I am providing a brew, loo and view (of the world!)
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People. Will I ever go on daytime TV? The BBC started following me! 5
@mmmary Yes. I do know the names of my customers and yes they do come back. #neighbours #loyalty
@berta1975 God yes! I specialise in all day breakfasts! Oh, it’s only local radio.
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Who do I know that knows shit loads about politics and campaigning?
My regular Joe invited me to his 50th bday bash. But my neighbour, you may know him, MrTescoExpress, is not invited #Tescoisevil #neighbours
Today’s worry: My profits aren’t going up. My expenses are.
Running my business is a one man show. You put the hours in, you struggle to survive - la dee da de da #wannabesingersongwriter 4
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This street has too many barbers and too many charity shops! #change
#OMG! My children think I am an idiot. #children
@mmmary the Café is a result of a silly decision I made when I was younger.
@wannabeyou Take good advice from me and don’t borrow against your house. 2
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I asked my daughter (21) if she would take over the caf when I die. She gave me that ‘are you f**king joking daddy?’ look. #children 4
My opening hours are 7am till 5pm. My working hours are 6am till 10pm. I give myself a break for a wee.
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I retrained three times since leaving school. Brewing coffee is my top skill. Sip.
My new barista Ankisza goes to the opera monthly. We are now playing arias. Pop in!
Show your support, retweet my post and get 50% off your next drink. 21
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Tonight! Karaoke at the local. My wife’s just announced she is going to sing Mamma Mia. #earplugs.
N O she doesn’t know I tweet! 2
Sadly Rihanna is on today. Back by popular demand.
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Marriage has its good sides! Cheaper rent, lower bills, someone to moan at. 6
@moaningminnie I call it support!
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What a night! Whilst all the local traders were @3Crowns singing Elvis our shops were stripped of cash and supplies.
No bacon baps today.
We deal with this shit ourselves. Would YOU call the police? #justice 7
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@localtradetheory Boo hoo. Another sunny day, no coffee drinkers in sight. On the plus side there is 50% off ice-tea available for all tall blonds! #hotdeal
Does anyone really need to answer the phone whilst weeing? That bloke apparently doesn’t want to miss a business opportunity #idiot
A new shop opened on the high street and it’s run by a full time mum! Go GIRL! #localtrade
Shoplifted from the caf today: 3teaspoons, 1teacake, napkins (approx.25), salt dispenser, sweet chilli crisps - I KNOW IT WAS YOU #localtrade
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Business rates have gone up again. No more tea for 80p. Sorry guys!
The butcher’s just had a delivery. Saw happy pigs going in. This is what I call fresh meat! #localtrade #happy #eathappypigs @MollyShopsLocal well done! I am with you. #Tescoleaveusalone campaign is the way forward.
I’ve been called sexist by @sexisttypestweet for my innocent blond deal. Outragous! I need to consult with @hatemales. 1
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@xyz I’m a bloke in his 50s who will work right up till his death. My pension won’t pay for matches & I doubt I’ll be allowed to smoke.
It all started in a small town away from any city centre. My father met my mother.
Bless my folks, they thought having kids was a recipe for a happy marriage.
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Good start: 20 people protested against Mr Tesco Express today! Make your placard and join me next week #tescoisevil #properjobs
@RudeJessy you want to know too much.
But I will share with you the basics. #thirdtimelucky is my mantra: happy with my third wife, in my third occupation and with three kids.
I was equally romantic! My first wife lasted with me 2 years. Second, 4 months. My current darling – 25 years and counting. #thirdtimelucky
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# I am having Monday off to take my wife for a day trip! #inlove
@Bush161 placard ideas: We need a nursery so bugger off Tesco! Tesco Exploitation – Every Little Helps! #tescoisevil
@Bush161 Taking Everyone’s Shopping Choice Over! #tescoisevil
@Bush161 bring your sign! #tescoisevil
@MollyShopsLocal @rash_bum @mmmary @LoveAnimals @wannabeyou @apocalypse1968 @Bush161 FREE COFFEE before the protest if you mention #tescoisevil
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@MotherTwoKids to survive in a marriage for 25 years and still say I love you just don’t say I love you too often!
I think a lot of this is down to flowers too. I buy a bunch every weekend. #inlove It’s been going on for three years now. The previous 22 we were busy saving up for shoes, a fridge, sofa, a trip to Legoland, prams
throws, a casserole dish, microwave, computer, shelving unit that fits the gap under the stairs…
@bert_with_beard It’s impossible not to start seeing bad things in your loved ones!
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Two days in I saw a mole under her armpit
2 years in I saw her true character
5 years in I’ve discovered her weakness for cheesepuffs
10 years in she expressed a total lack of interest in my hobbies. 1
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I am back and what do I see? ‘Move Out’ in red paint all over Mr Tesco Express! The council will surely offer consolations #tescoisevil 1
People, where are you? Protest under way. #tescoisevil
@bert_with_beard @BabyBlues @75_and_sexy @MotherTwoKids @sexisttypestweet I love my wife #wife #love #commitment #happy #inlove
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@localtradetheory is a project by Ania Bas. Commissioned by CAAPO as part of The Survivalist Series 2013/2014. www.aniabas.com Design: Ben Dunmore articlemagazine.co.uk With big thank you to Tom, Season, Josh, Nia and Christian for all their help.
People, what is wrong with you? Where are you? Where are your placards? #tescoisevil #solidarity #neighbours #protest #localtrade
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#highstreet #cafe #neighbours #localtrade #protest #commitment #survival #everyday #properjob #shortstory #fiction #art #exhibition #Cardiff
ISBN: 978-1-908452-57-3
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