Threatening Letter to Dell Computers

Dear Dell Computers I am writing to you because I have a problem with a laptop computer that I purchased from JB Hifi.

You were the manufacturer of the product.

I’m not sure what make or model the laptop is as I don’t care about computing and I’m aware that the capabilities of the product vastly outstrip my requirements – conventional home internet use.

I’m not mining Bitcoins or playing Wolfenstein or whatever so I just buy low to mid range computers that look normal.

As I was saying, a few months ago I bought a normal looking Dell branded laptop from an electronics retailer in Australia. Upon bringing the laptop home, I turned it on and began playing around with its features. I was perturbed and slightly frustrated to find that the internet connection dropped in and out frequently – drastically complicating the act of (and patience required for) internet browsing.

There was no pattern or sequence to the patchy connectivity. Simply a realisation that if you were connected to that thing called the internet, there was a very real chance that you may not be in a minutes’ time.

As a company associated with computing, you will be aware that many mundane administrative acts are now only capable of being conducted online... booking tickets, flights, paying bills, banking. And as these businesses are profit motivated, they have used this behavioural change to attempt to cross-sell a myriad of pointless products at you as you attempt to administer your life. You buy sports tickets and you have to trawl through a (literal) web of screens selling food packages at the event, seat reservations, supporter kit, insurance on your ticket. In my view, if you care enough about extracting value from a $30 sports ticket that you insure it, you probably don’t have the financial stability necessary to be attending the event in question, but that’s by the by.

When this recent trend towards relentless click heavy captive online marketing collides with an early 90s quality internet connection, the results are diabolical. I can’t use this Dell computer to do anything; if the connection hasn’t dropped out by the third screen that they make us endure, it certainly has by the time they’re determining whether or not I want to opt out of joining their mailing list. I then have to log back in and restart the process. There have been instances where I have attempted the same administrative task four or five times - enraged and making decisions at an increasingly frenzied pace - only to give up and switch to my phone.

Dell, my new laptop computer is unusable in any practical sense outside of word processing. It’s shitter than a typewriter. It has the exact same practical capability without the kitsch antique aesthetic. This realisation was hyper annoying - at least if you’d given me a typewriter, I wouldn’t occasionally get confident and attempt to use it as a modern computer only to be left reeling in frustration.

Also - and this is a side issue - but while you’re here; why are you hard selling McAfee anti-virus software at me? I get these regular pop-ups telling me that my anti-virus software has expired, giving me options framed as; “update anti-virus software” or “accept risk”. Do you know how weird it is to actively click on a button saying; accept risk?

But of course that’s what I do. I’m not a middle aged woman in the 90s, so I know that McAfee is utterly pointless spam. Even if I was burning mp3s from Napster or googling porn I wouldn’t buy that shit. Making unusable computers is one thing, but it’s unbecoming of Dell as a company to even allow that nonsense onto your systems.

Now, there are two primary reasons that I’m only moderately offended and not completely enraged by this McAfee spam:  The first is that I’m a huge personal fan of the founder of McAfee, libertarian cyber-lord John McAfee aka the Crown Prince of Belize. This softens the blow somewhat; it’s like finding Will Smith boning your Mum. It’s still nice to see Will Smith.  Secondly, this is a second order problem. As your wacky connectivity design flaw renders the laptop practically useless as a computer, I only turn it on once every few weeks in the vague hope that the kink may have been ironed out. Consequently I don’t have to deal with this invasive predatory marketing particularly regularly. In the unexpected event that anybody is able to fix this connectivity issue, I will then begin attempting to resolve or mitigate the weird but currently bearable McAfee situation.

To conclude, I am seeking one of two potential rectifications from Dell computers; 1. Fix or replace my laptop with a product of equal or better quality than the laptop that I believed I was buying.

2. Send me an antique typewriter that I can put on a mantelpiece or some shit (noting that this option has the added advantage of eradicating the McAfee spam / fake virus protection) I am giving you a month to achieve an appropriate fix under punishment of a borderline illegal but difficult to prosecute self-funded propaganda campaign.

Regards Anaru