A New Ulster issue 74

way of meaningful conversation. But it was a status quo with which we were both content. Content that is until the morning paper announced that the Tower of London had disappeared. “Looks like the Tower of London has had enough too,” said my husband at breakfast. “The Tower of London?” I replied. “I didn’t think the Eiffel Tower would be the only great monument to vanish into thin air.” “That’s what everyone is now claiming,” said my husband far too smugly for my liking. “But are you sure the Tower of London is a great monument?” He brushed the crumbs of a croissant from his lap and stared at me over the tops of his glasses, a gesture which I had begun to find tooth grindingly irritating though without quite being able to describe why. “Of course it is, it’s far older than the Eiffel Tower,” I asserted. “Isn’t it just a wall to stop the crown jewels from escaping?” he retorted.

We began to bicker. I told him that I found it strange that he wasn’t affected by these buildings going AWOL. He told me that he’d start to worry once the Alps buggered off or the English Channel did a runner. Then he went to work as usual and I fumed, as once again I decided to call in sick and watch the news reports of this second extraordinary disappearance. The British immediately declared a state of emergency and people began to wave union flags at every opportunity. Instead of terrorists, the European Union was the chief suspect. Politicians fulminated, TV historians burned with stentorian apoplexy, brigadiers prattled pompously and spokesmen for the royal family spilled crocodile tears. The Daily Mail began a campaign fund for homeless beefeaters and the RSPB started a petition about ravens.

Once again conspiracy theories, hoax theories, and with increasing attention, alien abduction theories did the rounds. Both the Eiffel Tower and the Tower of London were spotted on Mars, only to disappear again the next day, claimed the Astronomer Royal. Serious columnists considered which planet or moon in the solar system would make the best depository for stolen human monuments and sociologists tried to track the unconscious effects on human behaviour of the disappearance of the structures in question.

I thought of my own relationship with the Eiffel Tower and with the Tower of London and came to the conclusion that I much preferred the former, and had only