Part #2 of EVOL x LOVE: Evolution of Self Love

You owe yourself the love you so freely give to other people.

— Alexandra Elle

Rayyana Alkebsi

For so long , I have defined self-love as this very optimistic, jolly, nothing-but-good feeling of oneself. I could only achieve selflove if I am 100% happy and in the best mental and physical state. But through my journey of mental health struggles and chronic illness, I found out that self-love is a diamond in the rough, as defined by Britannica ‘something that is in poor condition but that is likely to become valuable with appropriate care or attention’. It’s looking at myself in the mirror after being bedridden for days and telling myself, “I got this” and “I deserve better.” Self-love is selfforgiveness; it’s self-awareness, it’s self-caring, it’s crying for the sake of self-healing. Self-love is a constant work in progress, but it’s intentionally so for the sake of self-betterment.

Throughout the end of my childhood, I had to navigate most aspects of my life by myself. As my family and I went through our own family disputes, to put it kindly, I learned that being a quiet and compliant kid would not have me to be interrogated by family members as much, and I’d be left alone. Although I was having trouble at school with my self-esteem, and my body image and adjusting to constant moves and changes, it still sounded like a better deal than to be another “burden” to my family. I was told I was such an easy person to work with, I never complained and was complacent at all times. That made me feel good about myself, but I had not grasped the fact I was slowly building a wall that would soon surround me and push people away; what was once a good trait of mine would become, ironically, an actual burden to others. Hyper-independent is what most people would call it. However, I just see it as an apprehension to being helped out.

Receiving aid or a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on is usually met with relief and the soul to be filled with tranquility, I, on the other hand, saw it as a hindrance and a strain… on others, of course. I kept telling myself that being “independent” and constantly wanting to be on my own was admirable and brave, it’s what has saved me from being a hardship to others, but all it did was make me lose faith and confidence in those who are trying to be by my side. It made me stop connecting with those I love under the belief that I’m causing them more harm than good if I keep relying on them for anything. This belief would quickly snowball into an immense problem I’d carry on to many different parts of my life. Not being able to make doctor appointments cause I don’t think I’m in need of more help

than others, feeling uncomfortable when someone offers to help me carry things for me or to share an umbrella, not wanting to say an opinion or state my thoughts in case it gets dismissed or “too much” for friends and family to handle. You get the gist.

Although I may be able to get things done on my own, I can’t thrive on my own. This is still a constant and persistent battle and one I deal with on an everyday basis. Building boundaries and communicating them is key, yet that’s easier said than done when you feel like a burden. It gets tricky to navigate when you come from a culture that values selflessness to the point it imposes that on womenfolk, mostly since we are deemed more patient and kind. Being quiet without having opinions is seen as the peak standard for femininity and religiosity, taking the blows with a smile on your face instead of asking for your well-given rights, and you’re questioned and scolded for it. While lots of therapy, though unfortunately sporadic, has given me so many great tools for it, I still believe I am my biggest setback as I don’t have a strong faith in myself and allow others to influence how I feel, what to feel, and which directions I need to take.

Truthfully, what’s keeping me in this cycle all the time is that I genuinely want to be kind, considerate, and compassionate. I love being there for my friends and family, having someone know I’ll have empathy to share and space to give, but the lines between altruism and being a doormat tend to be blurred for me after letting others dictate me for too long. It gets to the point where it feels awful if I successfully had something my way or an opinion of mine go through, and often think it would have felt better if I had just stayed out of it. Here is when

I realized that being overtly meek and passive ruined my sense of self-respect and didn’t set a definitive line on my boundaries for those I cherish, which tends to lead to lots of unnecessary hurt and confusion. When you have been so out of touch with your self-worth, you don’t realize how many people you lost, the opportunities you missed, and how valuable you could be to your community. You just constantly see the world as dreadful. You appoint yourself as an obligatory hero for others. I’ve come to realize that community, support, and grace are all valuable tools to make a meaningful and lasting impact on my sense of self-worth.

I’m still a work in progress. I see things clearer and clearer every day and have more energy to face myself and all that drags me under the bus. It’s a lot of ups and downs, with more downs than ups, but so far, that has not been able to bring me back to rock bottom. And I’m proud of myself for that. There are so many things I need to work on, and it feels as though time is escaping me, but that’s where grace comes in. I put faith in myself and God and take things one step at a time, regardless of the noise other people make. And to me, that is already a sign I’m on the path to self-love.

Persistent Consistent

Worrying does not take away tomorrow’s troubles. It takes away today’s peace.

— Randy Armstrong

Alina Ladyzhensky

My definition of self-love is understanding yourself deeply enough to celebrate your unique strengths and also allow grace/space for your perceived mistakes, as well as moments of needing to slow down/rest. The latter is not a sign of failure or “weakness.” We all have different capacities and different things to offer, no matter what our capitalist-oriented society teaches us to value.

SELF LOVE

Igrew up in a culture that was very stoic about emotional expression and discussion of mental health. As the eldest daughter of immigrants, even after we emigrated to America, I grew up with the culturally ingrained idea that mental health is something that a person deals with privately – and that no matter what you’re feeling/ experiencing, you’re supposed to just figure it out and keep moving. In the culture I come from, being emotionally stoic is seen as a virtue and a sign of fortitude, particularly among a lineage of people who endured immense political upheavals and intergenerational, historical traumas such as the ones experienced by generations of my RussianJewish family members.

From childhood through my teenage years, any time I spoke about my mental health in a way that was seen as negative, it was met with a response about how others have experienced worse (and currently have it worse), how I need to be grateful for what I have, learn to be more resilient, etc. All I was expected to do was keep my grades up, help my family, and become professionally and financially successful, because this would be a return on my parents’ investment as immigrants who gave up everything to ensure that I would have a chance at a better life. There was no acknowledgment that when a young person’s

mental health suffers, this in turn adversely affects their friendships, relationships, grades, participation in activities, etc. Whether through cultural conditioning or being overwhelmed at everything else that they had to do and endure to adapt to life in a new country, my family did not raise this as a broader concern with any teachers, counselors, doctors, relatives, or others who may have been able to offer resources/avenues of support.

This was also combined with the capitalist, individualistic mindset that is pervasive in American culture that suggests everyone should power through whatever they’re experiencing: keep working, keep spending and making money, etc. at the expense of your health and sanity. Because English was my second language and I was a deeply shy, reserved child and adolescent, other adults in my life did not notice that I was struggling with anxiety and depression, either. I kept it all to myself and because I presented as a very timid girl who was not prone to “acting up” in other ways. I kept my grades up and did not exhibit behavioral issues, which usually can be a way to flag to adults that a young person is struggling. Instead, as I imagine many young people do, I secretly found various outlets for what I was going through outside of my family and school life, including spending a lot of time in local

punk music scenes. I found something of a relief in the almost out-of-body experiences through which fast, loud music, other alienated-feeling young people, and the communal experience of mosh pits enabled me to channel my emotions and frustrations..

This was also the time that I began writing and reading poetry, which gave me another window into people sharing their struggles with themselves and the world around them openly. It was only after my health suffered for years in ways that I couldn’t ignore that I started seeing a mental health professional as an adult. I’ve since established a treatment plan and was taught about concepts like ‘masking’, which I’ve been doing my whole life! My therapist explained to me that young people who grew up in repressive cultures or families, or in environments where they had to take on adult responsibilities from an early age (as I did) often learn to emulate the behaviors/presentation of so-called ‘normal’ kids around them as a way of covering up what they are going through.

This was a huge revelation to me, as it assuaged a lot of my guilt and shame around not dealing with my struggles earlier. Symptoms that are not recognized externally often take longer to be dealt with, especially if you are a young person who doesn’t know that

JOURNEY AND GROWTH

there are treatments (let alone any official diagnosis) for what you are feeling and experiencing because no one else has managed to notice it sooner.

I think that part of becoming an adult entails gaining autonomous self-awareness (outside of your family’s values and belief systems) as well as being able to assert your needs, so I think some of this just came with time and personal growth. However, I’m also grateful to have friends and community who have helped lessen the stigma of mental health issues through openly sharing their experiences and struggles, as well as what has worked and hasn’t worked for them. More broadly speaking, the COVID-19 pandemic has led to a bigger cultural conversation about the importance (and fragility) of mental health– even here in America, where folks seem reticent to discuss these topics in a meaningful, actionable way due to our productivity-obsessed culture and inequitable, profit-driven healthcare system. While I still often catch myself thinking of caring for my mental health as a ‘luxury’ (therapy is costly even with insurance, taking time off for mental health reasons can still be stigmatized in certain workplace environments, etc.), I have learned to both prioritize it and not treat it like a personal failing. So much of what we feel and experience as individuals is also tied to broader cultural, societal, and systemic issues as well.

If I could go back in time, I would treat my mental/ emotional health like it’s just as important and valid as my physical health.

Wellness

Regardless of how we present ourselves to others, we never know what someone else is actually going through. Not all pain is visible! Be gentle to yourself and those around you. Being alive is wonderful and challenging—and we’re all in it together.

The relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have.

— Robert Holden

Sana Kewalramani

I define self-love as the art of embracing our flaws and finding contentment in our imperfections. Perfectly imperfect. It involves allowing ourselves to delve into our inner self and cherish what sets us apart from others. Every aspect of our journeys, including our stories, struggles, and moments of triumph, contributes to this ongoing and authentic process.

I firmly believe that self-love has the power to illuminate us from within, filling our cups to the brim. This newfound perspective encourages us to navigate life with a lighter heart, seeing it through a lens of vibrant colors, fluidity, and harmony. Life is not simply black or white, but rather what we choose to make of it. I often think of a blank canvas; some may be rougher or older than others depending on our life experiences, but how we choose to re-purpose and add our streaks of colors is what makes each piece of art truly special.

SELF LOVE

Since I was younger, I always had low self-confidence and struggled with worrying about the smallest of matters. I was a very nervous and timid kid, which undermined my self-esteem. Every little thing would get the best of me. When I was younger, I vividly recall worrying and worrying about something and not leaving a room until I convinced myself that everything was, or would be, alright. Replaying scenarios and concepts in my mind until I felt reassured became the norm, yet at times, even that was not sufficient. I would come up with tactics to remind myself I overcame part of the scenario to avoid starting all over again in the process. For example, I would hold a finger up to remind myself I had gotten past a specific scenario in my head. I would look at an object in a room and associate the object as a reminder. Or even make a note of it on paper or on my phone. This ironically created even more stress for me on top of my worries.

As I grew up, I made strides in this regard, striving to mitigate the impact of minor concerns on my well-being. I find that I hold everything I invest my time in, as well as others’ opinions, in high regard. I believe that I am my own obstacle and often limit my own potential and often deal with anxiety, nervousness, and stress. However, this inclination towards my perfectionism, overthinking, and people-pleasing has emerged as a consequence. Perfectionism causes me to make sure all of my i’s are dotted, and t’s are crossed, putting emphasis on the little details. Overthinking causes me to over-analyze my words, actions, others’ words, others’ actions, and why something took place the way it did, and often blame myself for the reason. People-pleasing comes from

the fear of letting others down and not wanting others to think negatively of me. Growing up with a really intelligent brother who was on the STEM side; naturally, the academic bar was set high in my family. I put a lot of pressure on myself and tried to push myself to do my best work, even if it meant consistent late nights and no end to stress. I felt like I had to prove myself to match up to his caliber even though my family appreciated my efforts. I still remember receiving an award for “burning the midnight oil” in Middle School.

I am forever grateful to my family who has always been supportive of my path in pursuing the creative arts especially coming from an Indian culture. My grandfather, a photographer, was one of the biggest motivators to pursue the creative arts and till this day, his inspiration continues to lead me to find joy in life’s little moments and see the world creatively.

Throughout my academic journey, I prioritized my work and art over my health, resulting in adverse consequences. Being diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease in 2018 presented an additional challenge as I endeavored to balance it with my studies. Crohn’s Disease is a chronic disease that results in inflammation in the digestive tract. Stress is a huge aggravator for Crohn’s, so this was and continues to be a challenge currently in the workforce. In October of 2022, I ended up in the hospital

for 3 long months and ended up getting surgery in December. This took a severe toll on my mental health, physical health, and well-being. Using a walker, riding in an ambulance, being on TPN and not being able to eat for a month, and physical therapy were all of the many obstacles in this long and challenging process. It is important to get adequate rest, eat right and on time, and limit stress to lessen the likelihood of a flare-up. Learning how to take care of myself and do my best in school was a huge hurdle. There were times I felt so weak and in pain during a flare-up I could barely walk to class or bring myself to complete my work. Nonetheless, I persisted to get what I needed done. Currently, I now do my best to prioritize and advocate for myself and my health.

As an outlet, I found ways to feel better about myself by connecting my success with my worth. My freshman year of college was tough being away from home for one of the first times and I felt that my grades and artwork were the pillars I had while adjusting to meeting new people in a new place. Everything links back to low self-confidence and being truly happy with myself. I want to eventually love myself to the point that nothing outside of me is needed for happiness. That is when love will start to pour from every angle imaginable. I am a work-in-progress and hope to carry myself with self-love, happiness, and a curious mindset.

JOURNEY AND GROWTH

Perspective

Another quote I resonate with is, “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” -Dr. Seuss. Giving importance to everyone’s perspectives only sets you up to try to please everyone and feel even worse. Over the years, I have learned that at the end of the day — how you see yourself and know that you gave it your all, given the situation, is the most important. We only have one life to live, and learning how to enjoy it is valuable.

If I could go back in time, I would tell myself to enjoy and freely live in the moment. Funny enough, I often find that relaxing makes me more stressed because I am not working on what is making me stressed. I want to stop taking everything so seriously and let myself be more free. I want to stop comparing myself to others because everyone’s path looks different and moves at different paces, and that is what makes it beautiful. Not everything has to be perfect, and the people you genuinely love and care about are the people’s advice that matters.

I love and accept myself as I am, and I’m working on building inner peace, power, and confidence. I am determined to succeed, even if I fail in the process, I just don’t want ever to stop trying and learning.

If outside validation is your only source of nourishment, you will hunger for the rest of your life.

— Unknown

I absolutely hate getting my picture taken - to the point that it causes so much anxiety for me.

Sean McCabe

I define self-love as being comfortable in one’s own skin, as well as being able to protect and care for oneself in a nurturing and non-destructive way. It means accepting yourself for who you are, and not feeling the need to let others define who you are. It means allowing yourself to express love and to receive it back - and to never be fearful of showing your emotions. It is only through self-love that you can learn to love others in a deeper way. Self-love is an act of courage.

JOURNEY AND GROWTH

Ihave struggled with depression and low self-esteem my entire life, as well as the common feelings of imposter-syndrome that most creative types struggle with on a daily basis. I tend to be extremely sensitive and emotional which is the result of the heavy bullying I experienced as a child. I also exhibit the common psychological signs that children of alcoholics exhibit (my Dad was an alcoholic). These are primarily extreme feelings of fear, anger and self-hatred. This manifests itself in ways such as constant people-pleasing and approval-seeking. Any type of bullying behavior either towards myself or others around me can be extremely triggering for me. I have attempted suicide. It was an extremely dark period in my life. I was working for a design studio that gaslit me every day and allowed clients to verbally abuse me and I was at the same time in an intense relationship, where my partner emotionally and physically abused me. This led me towards self mutilation and extreme self hatred. I destroyed all of my artwork, including my portfolio that I created in college. At the time, it seemed the only possible solution was suicide, and I ended up in the hospital under watch due to a failed attempt.

Afterwards I struggled in and out of depression and extreme self-doubt until I somehow managed to get my career back on track and be inspired to create again. It’s still a constant struggle, but I feel capable of managing it now. Throughout my life, I have struggled as everyone I know has - and at times I have sought help through therapy, friends and loved ones. It has been an uphill battle, but time and reflection - as well as being in a loving and supportive relationship with my wife Annie has helped me mange and cope. I also feel that age, wisdom and time has given me a sense of some peace. Teaching has really been a lifesaving outlet for me. Being exposed to my students creativity, as well as utilizing my own past experiences to help comfort, guide and inspire them, has meant the world to me. It has made me realize that all of those

bad experiences I had may have been for a reason - to experience, grow, and learn from, and use to help others.

I think my experiences with depression, low self-esteem and imposter syndrome have really influenced how I teach and the atmosphere I wish to create in my classroom. Learning from my own experiences has given me a much deeper and thorough understanding and empathy of those same issues and feelings when I recognize them in my students.

I have noticed over the last several years a significant increase in anxiety and depression in my students. I would go so far as to say that it is rather common in almost every one of them. This is the new normal, and I believe the root of it is post-pandemic stress, the current social and political climate, the environment, social media, and the constant drive and speed at which they are expected to learn and create at. It is never honestly discussed, but I witness a lot of shame and bullying from teachers across the board (towards their students and each other) and their unwillingness to grow and develop and find new ways to engage their students is having serious detrimental effects on the students’ emotional health and creative development. It is quite simply destroying the students’ urge to create. Bullying a student to just embrace your own aesthetics and in turn just feeding them into a capitalist system that will chew them up and spit them out is no way to educate and betrays the sacred trust students put in us as teachers. It produces a sameness in everything and normalizes conformity. It destroys individual creativity.

To counter this, I strive to maintain a constant state of wonder and curiosity in my classes that inspires, nurtures and empowers my students to think more for themselves and in turn to take that feeling and re-energize themselves with it. I encourage them to find their own voice, cultivate it and express it fully without regret, shame and with confidence.

I have noticed that they feel happier, looser and a little more emboldened in each class in experimenting and creating. I really owe all of this approach to years spent in therapy and for the input, support and nurturing of family and friends. I hit rock bottom at a low point in my career and in my life about 20 years ago and my wife Annie was the one person who encouraged me to try therapy. She had already been pursuing therapy on her own and I saw how it could possibly help me. I found a wonderful therapist and over time, I noticed that the more I talked about my feelings and just the pain I was experiencing - the more I felt a weight being slowly lifted off of me.

I paid attention to how my therapist asked me questions and initiated discussion, and how she encouraged me to face my fears and neuroses. I feel her presence in the back of my mind when I am confronted with a student who is in pain, or experiencing severe doubt and anxiety and that voice comes through and helps me comfort and guide the student hopefully out of that dark space. It doesn’t always work, because we all feel and experience trauma differently.

By no means do I consider myself an expert or even good at this - but by listening and practicing empathy, I have found a way to grow as a teacher and mentor. I work extremely hard on it every day - both for myself and for my students. I am constantly thinking about new things to show or talk about in class to inspire and have my students relate to. I share the stories of creative people who have been ignored, under-appreciated, marginalized and forgotten in the hopes that their stories and struggle will help ignite a fire in my students, while showing how they relate to their own situation and feelings. I encourage them to use those stories to learn and grow from and to take their lessons of rebellion, courage and artistry and incorporate those ideals into their own practice. Even though I know these stories intimately - I relearn and re-engage with myself and my own experiences with trauma, anxiety and depression.

In a curious way, it’s therapy for them and for me. It fosters and maintains this circle of creativity that inspires not only myself, but the students I am trying to teach. Over the last few years, it has given me a little peace and self-acceptance and made me surprised to discover that perhaps this is my true calling - to teach, mentor and inspire. To help others in need. I feel incredibly fulfilled by it. In turn, this has encouraged me to reach out more into my creative community and make new connections, new allies and a recognition that a lot of us are all experiencing these same emotions.

All through this ever-evolving process, I fluctuate wildly in terms of self-care. I am a human of course and I will have good days and bad days. I try my best to manage the bad ones. It is often a losing battle, but I try to remind myself that I can and will overcome it. Sometimes it is through watching and helping support my wife Annie as she copes and experiences her own trauma and anxiety. Our love and friendship has consistently supported me when we were at our lowest, and I trust that we will always be there to help and guide one another in those dark periods. I cherish every single day and moment with her. Having two silly dogs helps a LOT (any type of animal or pet is incredible therapy).

I try to stay engaged as a coping methodI read a lot, listen to music constantly - take in movies, TV shows, art, and live music. I go out and go for a walk, take day trips or weekend trips - get away from the familiar. It all helps. My only talent is an insatiable curiosity. It constantly gives me life.

I see my journey of self-acceptance and growth progressing at its current slow and consistent pace. I like to believe every day I get better, but perhaps the truth is that it’s just the nature of getting older and wiser. Time allows you to just know yourself better and you learn to accept yourself in ways you never could as a young person. Other people’s opinions matter less each day and you just might find in yourself the ability to say ‘no” more often and just be.

Relationship

I don’t think I would change too much of anything other than perhaps having the strength to leave abusive relationships earlier than I did. I don’t really believe in regret, other than admitting I have made many mistakes that I have learned and grown from as experiences. Everything happens either for a reason or because of the choices I have made. I feel at peace with that.

I have done my best to live a life of empathy, kindness, and respect for others.

Embrace all the intricacies that you possess and have the courage to fully express them. Cry often, play daily every day, celebrate with your friends, and try everything. Fight for those who have no voice and always feel strong in saying the word “NO.” Trust critiques or advice only when it comes from a place of love, and from someone who has your best interests at heart. Be brave, break things, and above all, have funas the great educator Sister Corita Kent said “it’s lighter than you think!”

Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.

— Anne Lamott

Thank you to all the participants who shared their stories. All the photos in this book were photographed by Alwin Thomas. A special thanks goes to Mike Ray, Dermot Mac Cormack, and Sana Kewalramani for their consistent feedback and support!

Editor & Designer: Alwin Thomas

Contact: alwinthomasdesign@gmail.com

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Production copyrights belong to Alwin Thomas ©2024.