The letters in this collection are the voices of women in recovery who spent time in the Amethyst-Alvis program between 2023 and 2024. The letters are deliberately divided into five sections -Trauma, Addiction, Journey, Future and Forgiveness - in order to demonstrate the personal progression of illness and recovery experienced by many Amethyst clients.
These letters were not easy to write. They necessitated that women honestly confront memories and feelings that were difficult to cope with but which provided powerful insights helpful to their recovery and mental health. It is the hope of the writers of these letters that others who have walked in similar shoes will recognize they are not alone.
The women who contributed to this collection trust that readers will suspend judgement, gain new understanding, and adopt empathy for the faces behind statistical data of those affected by substance abuse and behavioral health issues today. These women did not deliberately choose the path they were on, but they did make a conscious, determined decision to change course.
The realities you, the reader, will be introduced to are harsh but important to grasp. Perhaps as we all grow in understanding, we can help to change the lives of these remarkable survivors and other young women at risk.
Dedication
This book is dedicated to all women in recovery. Their extraordinary strength, determination, courage, and resilience is a shining example of hope, perseverance, and belief in oneself.
Section I. TRAUMA
A Message to My Father by Brittany C
Growing up I’d get so excited getting to see you on the weekends. As a little girl not having you around on a daily basis was tragic for me, but my weekends became like a vacation. Everything I didn’t get to do at mommy’s, I got to do with you. I was your first born and your only daughter. As a little girl, I felt special to be your only little girl. Later I found out that you never wanted me and told mom to have an abortion. Maybe that’s why you left to get drunk when I was born, because I wasn’t that baby boy you expected. Pretty soon my weekend vacations became an escape from the monster at my mother’s house. You see while you were busy having two more children, boys to be exact, I was gaining attention from my mother’s husband. Me being a little girl I didnt know what my stepfather’s intentions were becoming until one frightful night. I still remember it like it was yesterday. He came home drunk and crossed boundaries with your little girl. The next morning is when everything changed. I don’t know which was worse, the act itself or your lack of reaction. My sisters stood over me while I called you because I was so scared. I didn’t want to tell anyone. Talking about it made it more real, and I couldn’t pretend like it was a dream. So, there I was, a 10-year-old, crying and telling you
what some man did to me. I’ll never forget what you said, “Oh well, tell your mother.”
At that moment, I shattered into a million pieces. You were my hero, my father, my protector, or so I thought. I needed you to come and sweep me up to save me from this villain. But instead, you became another villain. I felt like I was all alone. Your baby girl was no longer innocent but torn and shattered.
Your Daughter Brittany
A Letter to Mom by Nicole B
I am writing this letter because I wish you could’ve been a better mom to be. Maybe if you didn’t run away from dad when I was 3 and leave us behind, just maybe, I wouldn’t be stuck with a drug addiction problem today.
Dad was the only person I had. He would always send me to grandma’s. For a long time, things were fine. We’d go on camping trips and vacations until she got sick. Once grandma was diagnosed with cancer again, things went downhill.
Grandpa would take photos of me half naked. He’d sneak into my room in the middle of the night and rape me and my cousins. To this day, I wish he would die!
I wish you could have raised me, mom. Maybe it wouldn’t have happened. Grandma was so sick and would have had a heart attack if I told her. I didn’t know who to turn to. I really wish I could have
opened up and told my mentor, Michelle. I met her at my grandma’s church. She would help me with my homework and take me out to do things you should’ve done.
I was never taught about sex or what’s right or wrong. I finally opened up to my friends at a slumber party and told them what my grandpa did to me. My friends were shocked and said, “Wow that’s not right!”
After grandma died, I never went back and have never told dad about grandpa. I was alone most of the time at home, and I became depressed.
At 13, I was drinking and doing weed. All I wanted to do was numb my feelings. Grandma had passed away, and Mom you were still gone. I didn’t really have anybody. I hardly had a dad. He worked nights so I rarely saw him. I would go to school and work. My friends and I got high every night, and my older boyfriends took me to high school and college parties.
I got my first job at McDonald’s in Lancaster when I was 14 making $7.00 an hour and started hanging out with people who were two or three times my age. I was using pills, smoking pure opium and weed besides drinking hard liquor.
Dad said I was becoming too much for him to handle, so he let me move back to Columbus at age 14. When I got to Columbus that is when my addiction really took off. From the age of 14 to 25, I was pretty much on my own. Mom, you made me live alone in a different apartment away from you
and your boyfriend. You forced me to work to pay bills. To focus on high school and try to graduate was very stressful. I wouldn’t and couldn’t have done it without Brian, who was 27. It should have been you helping me. I paid the rent, and he used his food stamps to feed both of us. Eventually, I auditioned at a club to be a dancer. The management loved me because I was pretty, young and they could train me into a go-getter. I was living my best life making money and soon met a man. They called us a “power couple.” We worked together selling drugs. I sold in the club to the other dancers too. So basically, I was getting high for nothing. But things just kept getting worse and worse. I ended up buying more drugs on the street, risking my life not knowing if the pills were fake.
One night I found my child’s father cheating on me and tried to run the woman over. She was supposed to be my friend. I got into such a deep depression that I swallowed a bottle of muscle relaxers and tried to overdose. I then tried to hang myself with a purse strap. Nothing worked so I physically started fighting with my child’s dad. I punched him first. He punched me back. I flew back into some dressers and broke my arm. Unfortunately, my son saw me hitting him and tried to hurt him too because of all the commotion. I had to call the emergency squad and ended up in the hospital.
I was charged with felonious assault for trying to run this woman over and ended up in Jackson Pike Jail for 295 days, to be exact, while awaiting trial for the charges. No one in my family could raise enough money for the bond. The judge finally released me and put me on probation. I was clean, but when I got out I went straight to my pain doctor for an untreated injury I had gotten from dancing and, in fact, still have today. I had displaced my tail bone in 2020. When he prescribed pain pills, I didn’t feel like it was wrong taking them because a doctor ordered them. Eventually I needed more and more drugs, mixing all kinds of things. I was seeking the effects of that first high. When I got out of jail, I was too big to dance. I wasn’t attractive anymore. I ended up on the street, sleeping around. Soon after I was buying 30’s on the street and eventually tested positive for cocaine. That’s when Judge Brown revoked my probation and asked me to get assessed at Amethyst.
I am so thankful for the choices that Judge Brown made for me by allowing me to be so vulnerable, join Catch Court, and sending me to Amethyst in the hope of helping me with my addiction. Amethyst accepted me with open arms. Going to Amethyst was the best choice I have made in my life.
I am working harder and harder every day to become a better woman and mom. I am so thankful for my counselor, Ms. Carol and case
manager, Ms. Kelli. I would never mess up this opportunity to have a better life for me and my children. Today I have 5 months clean. These programs have changed my outlook on life, and I now I see what it really is. I have exceeded my own expectations. Judge Brown and Amethyst have helped me tremendously to become a happy, healthy sober mom.
Still, today I want us to make amends Mom. As I grow in my recovery, I’d like to hopefully make things right.
Nicole
To Trauma by Kimberly M
Damn you Trauma!
Whoever asked you to be in my life? All I wanted was love and happiness. But you are just like the devil and tried to “kill, steal and destroy me.”
Trauma you act like you just had to find me as if you couldn’t go on without me.
When did you first see me? Why was I what you were looking for? Damn you trauma. I have had bad dreams and many tears since I met you. You even came for my mother’s heart. How were you able to keep me from being safe at home when you only live inside of me? Trauma you have made me so hurt that no drug could make you go away.
Trauma, I just want to feel alive again. I have a treatment program and Catch Court to support me. I even have medication to help me get past you.
So, guess what trauma, you have been given notice that you cannot and will not continue to bother me in my recovery. Trauma, I am taking the steps to let you go forever and learning coping skills that will help me learn to deal with you, if and when you ever come back again.
Good-bye. I never want to see you again! Forgetting you, Kimberly
Letter to My Russian Parents by Svetlana L
Mother and father I miss and love you dearly, but I have never understood why you gave me up. I’ve heard stories that I dread to think about. I don’t understand a mother who wanted nothing to do with me or my twin brother and put us in an orphanage in Russia. My brother told me you are not a good person, that you are selfish, that you just gave up on all of us.
There are many unanswered questions I have for both of you, like why am I the way I am? Am I more like you dad or you mother? It is so hard to this day not to let what you did define who I am. I am so different than everyone else. I just don’t fit in. I was socially awkward at school and always the outsider. I didn’t have what other kids had. I still have so many trust issues with many people, mostly women. I guess that is why I am writing this. I try not to ever compare my American dad to you Dad. He will never be you, but he does love
me. He and his wife adopted me when I was three. I was a reckless kid that didn’t care about anything. My American mom beat me and belittled me in front of her other children. She reminded me how much she didn’t want me because I was so stubborn and difficult. I wasn’t like her other children. She was ready to give up on me.
Sixteen years ago, I felt like a piece of shit. My adopted brother could be so mean to me. He body shamed me. He always told me I was fat and ugly. At other times he could be so nice, super nice. I can’t believe I let him take advantage of me physically. I was so naïve. I still feel so ashamed to this day. It pained me so much. I never understood why he did this to me. I still get horrible nightmares. Maybe someday his guilt will get the best of him. I just want him to realize what he took from me.
He has a girlfriend now. I would really like to tell her, “Do you really know who and what you are dating? He has a dark secret about things he did to me.”
I have had two families, my Russian family and my American family. But I never had a stable family or a loving mother figure.
Svetlana
To My Wounded Inner-Child by Chalet R
I am so nervous, so please sweet beauty, forgive me if I become too overbearing. I do think this is
the first time that we have met. I knew this day would come, but I didn’t think that I would be so overwhelmed with emotion. I’ll try not to use too many words that are hard to understand and boring. You know, the words that big people use when we are trying to sound so smart.
I hope that today has been a fun one and you are able to find a bit of happiness so far. I wanted to write you a letter today, because for some reason there is something inside me that has built up some courage. My brain saw an imaginary light bulb click on. Boy oh boy, that light bulb was very bright. So bright in fact that it reminded me of you.
First thing I wanted to do was just give you a big bear hug and just hold you so close and so tight that you would know you are safe and protected by a love so great that after about 10 long seconds, you felt confident enough to be able to pull back and look me in the eyes smiling so big. And I would know intuitively that you were loved and that there could be no greater love you could feel from any other person.
I am also writing this letter with the intention to show you the greatest form of love I believe there is. And that is unconditional love. So, I would love to take advantage of this moment, right now, and hold your hand as we walk together under a beautiful sun to find a cozy little spot by a beautiful river current, under a tree where we can catch a light breeze. I brought a soft throw blanket to spread out that we can sit on and enjoy some fresh
watermelon and pineapple and quench our thirst with fresh spring water.
Now we have a chance to sit and play a game of “Go Fish.” I can remember that this is one of your favorite games. It always seemed like pulling teeth trying to find someone that will play with you. Well, I will play with you. We can play as long as you want, and if there is something else you want to play, we can play that too. Do you remember when we used to love climbing trees and catching frogs out of the stream that connected to the cricks? We can take our shoes off and dip our tippy toes in the stream water. That would be so much fun! We will do anything you want all day long until it gets dark.
I am writing you this letter to remind you that I haven’t forgotten about you and to give you my undivided attention. As I think back, I can remember how much you were missing mommy, and I can feel it deep inside. I know you did. We cried that whole way back home after dad came to pick us up at the end of the weekend. I know you didn’t understand why we had to live without our mommy and could only visit with her 2 days out of the week. Being separated from mommy was a very sad experience, and I don’t think we were able to come to a complete understanding of that experience, at least an understanding that was acceptable to you.
What I hope to share further with you, and I pray it gives you some consolation and fulfillment
now, is that I am trying to be the very best mother I can be to my 2 girls, especially Phoenix, who I can see is just another version of us. I am trying to give her all the unconditional love and affection she deserves. Every little soul deserves love and affection. Unfortunately, we can only serve ourselves and be the change and light we wish we could be in this world.
Okay, okay sweet, beautiful girl, let’s not skip a beat. Because I must also acknowledge how fast you grew up, and I know just as well as anybody how time flies by. In the blink of an eye, it can seem like perhaps we missed so much and were told that it was too late for certain things. “Missed the mark,” they said.
I am here to tell you and show you that it is never too late! It’s never too late to try new things, to be adventurous, be a little “dare devilish”. It is okay to take chances and ask questions. How else can we be expected to learn outside of our mundane school lives?
So, what I hope to give you through this letter is to spark some courage in you. Look me in the eyes so you know I mean what I say and hear me when I tell you that, “Yes! Yes, you can!” You can do anything if your big heart truly seeks to find fulfillment in it and give you joy. I will be here to support you and cheer you on. I understand that daddy wasn’t very knowledgeable when it came to taking care of a little girl and wasn’t very openminded to trying to understand what a little
girl needs from her parents, let alone it being just dad raising us both, you, my brother and me. I understand now your special needs as a little girl growing up so fast. Hitting puberty at 9-yearsold was a scary feeling. I know. Do you remember having to walk around and our little “chi-chis” were growing and we didn’t have a training bra to wear? Daddy was so nervous and didn’t know what he needed to do. Remember that summer going over to Aunt Pamela’s house? We could hear her softly talking to daddy about what he needed to do. We heard them tease daddy about how little he knew but also that he would have to focus on that new phase of our life.
Come here and sit next to me. Just spend time with me and let me hold you. I hope our time together and this letter has given you some peace and understanding. I think that as time moves on as we know it does and with continued visits, you will trust becoming a permanent part of me once and for all. I look forward to that day with grace and honor. As we end our time together now, but not forever, I leave you with all my unconditional love and affection. I hope that if you are ever having a bad day, you will come to me, trusting in me that I will do right by you. With every experience moving forward, we will face our circumstances with your childlike mind and heart. With so much love, Big Hugs and Kisses, XOXO, XOXO, MUAH Love Always and Forever, I AM
To Dear Lil One by Misty C
You are so adorable; you are so sweet; you are so beautiful; you are so smart; and you can do anything that you put your mind to.
I wish I could tell you that your life will be easy, but I can’t. I wish I could prepare you for all of the obstacles that you’ll face in life, but that’s not possible. You will go through many challenges in your life; however, with God on your side, you will get through them all.
Your childhood will be full of trauma. You will be passed between your two grandmothers who will raise you. You will be bullied, molested, and raped. Your parents will be nowhere to be found when it comes to providing parental guidance or emotional support that a child deserves to get.
At school, you will be bullied and made fun of because your mother will be a drug addict and the town’s biggest thief who goes to stores and steals merchandise to sell half-price to get her drug money. Your father will be the town’s biggest drug dealer. He will be abusive, and the only kind of man you will know. At the age of 4, you will be molested by your older cousin who was babysitting you. At 13, you will be pressured into smoking cigarettes, drinking beer and be molested again by your cousin. When you turn 15, you will have your first boyfriend who talks you into unprotected sex. You will end up pregnant with your first child. This boy will abuse you physically, emotionally and
mentally. This relationship will continue for 2 more years until he goes to prison.
You graduate high school, but you won’t go to college. When you turn 18, you will meet another man. By the time you are 19, you will get pregnant with your second child. Again, abuse will become part of your relationship. This time you fight back. He will put a gun to your head and threaten to kill you and your unborn child. This same pattern will repeat itself several more times.
In the summer of 2006, you will be raped by the best friend of your son’s father and end up pregnant. You will be at the end of your rope. You will be stuck with the decision of having an abortion or having the child. You won’t see yourself being able to care for a child that was a product of rape. You will make the hard decision to have an abortion, A couple of months after the abortion, you will have a nervous breakdown and attempt suicide.
Your last abusive relationship will result in one black eye after another and the need to wear long sleeves in the summer to hide the bruises on your arms. You will be pistol whipped and have a part of your lip bitten off resulting in 3 reconstructive surgeries.
But finally, you will leave these relationships behind! You will take your children and move to Columbus. Things will go well for 6 years until your oldest daughter is raped just like you were. Fortunately, she will not end up pregnant. This is
when your past and present will be too much to handle and you will resort to drugs and alcohol to numb your feelings. For the next 8 years, you will be in and out of different programs trying to maintain your sobriety.
I only wish I could protect you from everything you will go through. However, I can and will say that you will overcome everything in your life that is thrown at you. It will make you into the strong, beautiful black woman you will become.
Misty
Memory of A Brother, Ryan Lamar Edwards, by KayLena E
Today I feel so much better than I have in a while. I was at a point where that dark spot, or should I say cloud, was over me. My mental state was something terrible. I was a very hurt woman and didn’t know which way I was going.
I was raised by my mother and her husband who I called father. He raised me until I was 14. He got sick with cancer after he came home from federal prison and ended up passing away. My mother was with him until he took his last breath then she relapsed after 17 years of sobriety.
Someone called Children’s Services. They went to my sisters’ schools and took them and then to my mother’s house and took my little brother. So, what did I do? Do you understand the stressful
situation I was in? I was so young, 14 and pregnant with all these thoughts running inside my head. It was very scary. I got out of my seat, and my teacher tried to stop me. I kept walking because all I could think of was protecting my unborn baby at all cost. I called my baby’s dad and met up with him and ran with him the whole time until I had my beautiful baby boy.
But the day I lost my big brother, I lost a piece of myself. I was 17 and gave up on life and went into a deep depression that I never thought I was going to wake up from. I blamed myself for my brother’s death and asked myself if I could have prevented it. That day he had asked me to stay with him in a room at home. But I said, I needed to run to Columbus and check on my child’s father. While I was gone, someone broke into the house and shot him. It was just crazy to know that someone so close to me, that always wanted to help everyone, had died with a gunshot wound to his right side. He ended up dead, lying on a silver slab in the morgue. I never knew the world could be so cold.
I never should have left MY BIG BROTHER. I mourned his loss so much that I ended up hurting everybody around me. I should have taken time out to heal. But instead I started drinking and not caring about anything anymore.
I didn’t know which way I was going. One thing I did know was that I wanted to get to whoever it was that took my brother’s life and do the same thing to them and hurt their family like they did
mine. I was introduced to Xanax and starting numbing myself to take the pain away. I never saw myself changing but everybody around me did. They said I was a hurt little girl running instead of healing.
I can remember the nights and days where I was walking to the dope house sick as hell feeling like it is the end of the world, and everybody that you truly loved wanted nothing to do with you. They knew that the woman standing in front of them was not the woman she once was. This woman in front of them was a deceitful nothing ass person who only took instead of caring about how she made people feel or who she hurt. It was very sad to know what I had become. No one wanted anything to do with me.
Today I am in treatment at Amethyst. It is a wonderful place very, very full of love.
KayLena
Section II. Addiction
My Good-Bye to Crack by Darla B
You no longer have my attention. You blew it when you teamed up with Fenty. You both together have taken so many lives and stolen so many souls. When users thought they were just partying, it turned into a deadly game of Russian Roulette. I have seen my brothers and sisters leave this world way too soon. When they hooked up with you, their lives were doomed.
To hell with you and your killing partner. Go back to where you came from, and let my people go. Go away and kill no more. You scared me straight. I have come to admit that we were powerless over your bullshit and with that knowledge some of us have freed ourselves from the grip of your killing machine.
We are starting to live life through our Higher Power, the way he intended us to live, living life on life’s terms. Now you have less people on your team. That is a very good thing. Look at all of us. We are standing stronger against you, our cunning enemy. It took me a long time to understand that the party was over. Now I realize that from the start you were out to kill me. I have learned so much about you that I would be a fool to let you back in my life. You will never make me put that bullet in my head playing your deadly game.
Instead, I will try my best to convince others to turn their backs on you forever. I am free, and I am alive.
Darla
To You by Ellie E
It doesn’t seem to matter what happens. A small part of me can’t let you go all the way. It hurts to want to be done with you and cut you off. But still you bother me mentally and emotionally. You’re not the person you used to be. You’re a liar. You‘re not trustworthy. You don’t put your children first. You are so unreliable.
A long time ago you would smile, and it made me smile. You worked hard and provided for our 3 kids. You were a great man. Eight years we were together, 6 of those married. I thought I was lucky to meet the “the love of my life” so young. Drugs and alcohol changed everything.
I think I stopped being in love when I was pregnant with our youngest. I was six months pregnant, one and a half years sober, and working from noon until 10. I was coming home to you so high, nodding out, or not being there at all. All the while your brother kept the kids. This was a hard, stressful pregnancy. Our son was diagnosed with epilepsy in the middle of all this.
Maybe I know I’m done, but a part of me prays you could be the man you used to be. I know that’s unlikely. You’re probably going to die due to your
addiction. One of my biggest fears is telling the kids their daddy died.
Part of me is so selfish and wonders why you can’t do what I did and get it together. I’ll always love you, but I’m not in love with you. I am going to continue to heal and pray. I hope you get it together for the kids.
Ellie
To Addicts by Paige C
I wish you all the best. I know life can be a struggle, but remember you are not alone. I‘m with you. I am one of you.
I didn’t believe I was an addict. I didn’t want that title. But I knew deep down that I wasn’t myself. I felt like an alien. I knew the things that I was doing were not coming from a human in their right mind. But I am here to tell you that we’re not alone in this. We’re sick and suffering from a disease that needs to be stopped.
It’s okay to drop out of the “Dope Game”. It’s okay not to use. Don’t ever be afraid to ask for help. We are one. There are people who need our help. Let’s stand together and make that change. Let’s get back to our families and children, safe, well, healthy and sober.
Let’s show the children in this generation how to live a beautiful, fun, and healthy lifestyle so that they don’t go through all the sorrow we’ve experienced.
I love you, and I know that you matter. Please continue to walk with me on this journey. Here today where we sit has our faith and glory. There’s a whole beautiful world out there waiting for us. My goals in life are to be a better person for my family and the world overall. I am thankful I had a chance to put my life back together again. There is no other way but up from here. My journey has been amazing. I’ve met other women like myself that are doing wonderfully and making progress every day.
Things have been good and opening up for me here at Amethyst. I mean I wake up every morning with a good spirit. It gives me the chills, because I wake up clean and fresh. I’m happy with life; I’m excited about life.
For those who are reading this letter, please hear me out. There is help and hope. You’re not alone. There are great programs out there waiting for you. Remember we didn’t wake up and say, “I’m going to get some dope or alcohol!”
Paige
To Aaron by Charlene
It’s me, Mom.
There isn’t a day when I don’t stop thinking about you. I really miss you SOOO, SOOO much son. It seems like my life isn’t the same without you here, and I just remember that loving, good-
hearted kid you were and still are even though you are in heaven.
You are always watching over everything and everyone. I just feel so lost and powerless now that you are gone. I just wish I could bring you back because life just isn’t the same without you here. Myself and your sisters and brothers all really do love you and think of you every day. There isn’t a day that goes by where we don’t think about you, my handsome son.
Fly high Mijo. You are always here and never forgotten. Like I said before, you are always with us in spirt and within our hearts and souls. This life without you has been a complete mess.
After you left you know that I started to get high because I couldn’t deal with the loss of you, my son. I just wanted to not feel the numbness once you were gone. Drugs made my life a living hell and only tore me down and left me at the bottom. When I was out there getting high, I was not the same person I am today. I was a monster, and I became someone I didn’t even know. That monster was heartless, lonely, lost, unwanted, unloved and couldn’t even take care of her children.
But you know you can be proud of me today, because I am living a positive life now and said good-bye to drugs. I am becoming the mother that I know I can be and the person I once was. I am not that person I was in my addiction. I no longer chase that dragon, and it feels great. You and your
siblings are what keeps me going and what keeps me strong to be better and positive. I love you, Mom
To My Addiction by Jordan R
Hello old friend. It's been a while, lots of time has passed since we’ve last spoken
Your voice has been put at bay. I know you, and I know how patient you can be. You wait in silence and hardly show your face. You’ve taken me once to the depths of hell Helped me to numb everything around me from the inside out
I used to walk with you hand in hand. We were the best of friends the kind I always wanted to have.
We laughed together, we cried together, we were so close that I once almost let you end my life
You made me bitter, you made me cold. You convinced me I’d never be enough and to just let go.
A couple of times, more than just a few, my lips went blue
My heart had stopped, I felt at peace, there was no more pain
The faces of my children flashed before my eyes, I thought I was done for No more tears to cry I awoke with a sickening feeling of dread and despair, something began to change
But not for long, soon you would return
I no longer enjoyed my time with you
But still, you called my name
Our bond was strong, I couldn’t ignore you
You became my master and I was your slave I tried to tell everyone, that it’s nothing personal, the damage you cause I cannot forget
I am writing to you today to let you know You will no longer have the best pieces of me,
So those who love me can enjoy what’s left of me
Time and memories I've lost I can no longer regain.
One foot in front of the other, I’ll keep you at bay
Silently you wait in a dark corner of my heart. I have cuffed you up, I won't let you out
You once wreaked havoc, I'm still trying to pick the pieces up in a panic
There’s no glue or gold to fill these cracks
The only thing repairing me is hope and faith, and I'll set you a trap
One foot in front of the other, my demons I will face
In the dark, you sit and wait
Silently locked in a cage, with a piece of my heart you wait
I’ll pay you no mind, from time to time I know you’ll show your face
I won't let you out, now you cannot escape
Now who is the master and who is the slave?
I begin to love myself again and renew my faith.
Moments of uncertainty allow you to cause my foundation to shake. You may rattle, you may rumble and roar
But never again will I allow you through that door. One foot in front of the other I begin to become a mother, daughter, lover, and friend. Are you jealous now? You are that toxic piece of me I won't let others see. Goodbye, for now, my toxic love I'm sure we will meet again
So goodbye for now, until we speak again.
Jordan
To My Fix by Amber S
The first one numbed me where I couldn’t feel anymore sadness, no more pain and hurt. I felt free.
Then came more fixes 2,3,4 and lots more. Then the fix had me. It was a daily thing. Now I HAD to have my fix just to do the most basic things. When I don’t have my fix, I am sick, hurting and in lots of pain. Your body doesn’t know what to do without the fix.
This fix will take you to another world where it’s dark, but you feel so good in all the wrong ways. The fix replaces real life and the person you are. Now your fix has you robbing, stealing, having sex, basically doing anything that will get you a fix. It was a job so I wouldn’t be sick.
I am so glad that I got sick, and got rid of the fix. Now I can say, almost 4 years later, I got clean and said good-bye to the fix.
Amber
Section III. Journey
To Jackson Pike Jail By Kimberly M
You will never see me again! When I heard my name over the loud speaker, then “roll it up,” I couldn’t have moved any slower. My eyes were blinking like a camera in every part of the pod, photographing images I didn’t want to forget. I said, “Good-bye” to 19 women. I had to make sure my girls had my whites and my commissary.
It was so hard being hungry every second of the day. Laying on the concrete to watch the same show day in and day out, even though I really couldn’t hear it. You will never get to wake me up with bright lights again. I will never use the statement, “On the Outs” because I am out. So, the next time someone drops a cup, you better believe me, it is not going to be me being put in a pod with that grey mat and blue bag with one cup, one spoon, one sheet, one blanket, one towel, one wash cloth, one toothpaste to use on my one finger toothbrush. I never want to hear my last name called for trays. You will not have the chance to put me in hand cuffs to attend any more bar-window rides for a court date.
If I never see you again, it would be a day too soon. I’m here to tell you, “You don’t have any more space for me.”
Kimberly
Hello Sunshine by Amber R
Welcome to your journey. I’m glad you chose this route. Hey love, please be mindful that the journey is rough. Some days will be easier than others. But if you really want this you’re going to have to fight. If you start to feel overwhelmed and like you want to give up, close your eyes and take some deep breaths. Call on your higher power for the strength you need to get you through the moment.
Early in my recovery, my baby boy passed away. And yes, it hurt like hell. I still grieve and go through feeling bad. But I am actually feeling instead of pushing these feelings down and using to cover them up. I‘m glad that I came to recovery. I’m glad that I admitted I was powerless because the death of my son would have taken me to a very dark place. Today I can see the bright side of things. I have a clear vision of who I am. Remember to always stay grateful and that no one else matters when it comes to your recovery. Because if you’re not good, how can you be good for anyone else?
Keep telling yourself, “I’ve got this!”
To Me and My Journey by Jenni D
I’m starting to see a smile on my face and laughter in my life.
I’m much improved since I am sober and clean. I’ve made great strides taking care of myself, dealing with grief, facing my trauma and many other physical obstacles. I am learning new coping skills and self-care habits. I am making a better connection to and understanding with God.
The storm is not as rough right now. I don’t feel like I’m weathering this storm alone. I am 9 months clean. I have a roof over my head, no worries of losing my belongings. I have a phone now so that I have connections. I am not lost and wandering.
I can be proud of my accomplishments so farkeeping appointments, having a sponsor, working the steps and going to meetings – even though I have trouble following a schedule due to medical reasons. As I continue to grow, I will be able to do more, even though I will have many more obstacles in my recovery.
My relationships are getting better now that I’m getting help. My mom is proud I’m becoming the daughter she once had. My sister-in-law actually started talking to me. There’s a glimmer of hope to see my niece.
I must do the best I can and not be hard on myself. Everyone’s progress is different. Do not judge myself. Just relax and learn the skills I need so I won’t relapse. Use my support. Make sure I call instead of thinking, “Oh I’ve got this.”
I feel relaxed. Yes, I’m struggling, but my struggles don’t feel as bad. I am still hurt and disappointed from people who abandoned me. What have I done? I might have deserved it. I’m not sure. I remember life is not fair. All I can do is turn it over to my higher power and keep moving. I have to remember to keep moving. Don’t get stuck or fixed on the problem.
I hope one day people will find the freedom I have found and embark on a rough but exciting journey.
Jenni
To Love By Darla B
I have been looking for you in everyone I know and that I have met in my life from my father and sisters and brothers and drugs and even lustful lovers. I searched and searched. I can’t seem to find you anywhere. It made me feel alone in my life as if I don’t deserve love or even know what love is.
But now I have found some love. I know it belongs in my life, and it has been right here inside of me where it always has been. That’s really all the love I need.
To love the drugs and the lust really brought me down lower than I ever thought I’d experience. I was at the end of my rope.
But now I found the way to pull myself up that rope and stand on my own two feet and to become accountable to my own wrong doings which was
allowing the drugs and the men to control me, all in the name of what I thought was love. I am stronger and wiser now thanks to my higher power. Thanks to Maryhaven’s Women’s Center and thanks to Amethyst for their programs. Now I am doing my thing and loving it. I have the tools to live by and never lose control.
My life is clean and sober. Oh, my wonderful life; because I matter.
Darla
A Letter to Myself by Aubree J
I forgive you.
We continuously chose codependent, toxic and often abusive relationships. We allowed others to have too much control over our life, and we put too much trust in people that hadn’t earned it. We put our attention on helping other people that would not help us in return instead of helping ourselves and our children. When things started to fall apart, we allowed our emotions to take over and started to give up due to feeling overwhelmed with grief.
Let’s learn from these mistakes and bad decisions that we have made. Every negative can become a positive if we choose to use it to grow and learn instead of letting it defeat and destroy us.
I know that it’s been really hard for us to keep the resentment of those who have hurt us from
eating away at our soul. We received a lifetime of physical, mental and sexual abuse from those that were supposed to teach us and help us to grow, such as our families that purposely tried to keep us naïve and incompetent. We were easier to control and manipulate that way. People who were supposed to be professionals, such as our manager and landlord, abused their power and created instability for our family for their own selfish reasons.
The people we dedicated ourselves to and helped time after time abandoned us and did not reciprocate our support and love when we needed them the most. Most importantly, we resent ourselves for suffering in silence and allowing others to continue to wreak havoc in our life longer than was necessary. We didn’t set boundaries or practice self-love until it was already too late. However, holding onto that pain only destroys us further and no one is worth doing that for.
I know that at times the obstacles before us seemed too great for us to overcome, but if life has taught me anything, it is that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, even if that light is followed by another tunnel. Pain is worth enduring for these times of joy, and I will always succeed as long as I never give up. I am strong enough. We got this!
Aubree
To My Mom by Jody B
You are weighing heavy on my heart today. I miss you so damn much Momma. I wish I could call you up. I have so much I want to tell you. I am glad God took you when he did. You’re free. No more pain or fear. I just wasn’t ready. I don’t think I ever would have been. I know they say you are watching down on me, and I choose to believe in that.
Thank you for raising me in a single-parent household. Though it seemed a little lonely growing up, I know today why you did that for me. The trust, the love, and the faith I had in you over the years really grew into something that changed my life forever. During your last days on earth, I loved you more than I ever had without even knowing that was possible.
You always put me first me - my thoughts, feelings and emotions and my entire life. As I look back, you taught me, guided me, and helped me without judging or criticizing me. I know the meaning of love, unconditional love. Never once did you ever try to change me. I never saw your pain, stress, depression or anxiety. I never saw the struggles you went through and how lonely you must have felt. I remember always having the best of everything unaware that you did without.
Can you believe I’ve come this far in a year? I am going to keep fighting hard for myself and Allison. Momma, I am doing everything alone, and you know that I am not scared anymore. You gave me
such encouragement, love, and strength. I know you’re proud of me. I just wish I could see your face and your smile and feel your touch. I know I will again someday. I am not wishing anything to happen to me, but sometimes I wish it was sooner not later.
I know I’ve got this, but it would be nice to have you in my corner. You were right, as usual. You always said that I do the opposite of what you say. Well Momma, I am doing exactly what you told me now. You really helped me get this far, more than you know. You showed me how to be a lady, respect myself, make intelligent decisions and thoughtful choices.
Allison is doing so good Mom. She made honor roll even with all the changes, hurt, loss and adjustment to a new school. I’m so proud of her. It makes me feel we are going to be alright. And we will Mom. I meant what I told you , and I’m going to keep pushing on. Even in death you are still doing for me. Thank you Mom. You’re an amazing mother, grandmother and a best friend.
I love you Mom. I miss you so very much every second. I promised you I would make it through. I am, and I will. I’ll talk to you again soon.
Jody
Section IV. Future
To Tomorrow By Kimberly M
In my bible it tells me not to worry about you. For you will worry about yourself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. So why in knowing that do I think about you every day? I wonder if when I see you, I will be a step closer to a better me? Tomorrow, please be greater than yesterday. Tomorrow you are very important because my actions today have the power to change you forever. So, to not know what you have in store for me is an exciting feeling. Tomorrow I want to accomplish my plans with you. Tomorrow, no matter what day you are, I just want to be happy. Tomorrow, I have goals. So, allow me to make every hour fulfilled and every second precious. Tomorrow, I have already heard your weather, and I am ready for it. I pray that my heart is healed for all the joy you have waiting for me. I look forward to what you have to teach me and show me. I will rest every night to experience a whole new you.
Kimberly
To My Future Self By Allison D
I hope you continue to do everything that you know you need to do to stay clean and sober. Don’t forget to hit 2 meetings a week, your home group,
and the other meetings that you love so much. Remember you need to call your sponsor on a regular basis and when you need her. Continue to work your steps over and over again and to help the next addict. Make time for selfcare - mentally, emotionally and physically.
Do not drown yourself in work. That is the main reason you relapsed the last time. You quit doing’ it all and even quit seeing your children. Then the second you had some time off because of the COVID pandemic, you got bored and started smoking meth and thought you would be fine. You had a needle in your arm 4 days later and lost your job within 3 months of relapsing. You lost your car and your apartment and got with another abusive man who got you pregnant.
When you relapsed, you refused to fully lose yourself again and worked so hard not to. Remember you overdosed three times and one of the times your higher power showed you where you were going if you died. It was a black nothing and the worst feeling you ever felt was the feeling of nothingness.
I just wanted to remind you to continue to do it all, everything. You know you need to stay sober, always love yourself and your children before any job, man or person. PERIOD!
Allison
To My Dearest
Landon By Natalie W
I am writing you to today to tell you how much you are truly missed every single day and how sorry I am. I want you to know the reason I didn’t get to bring you home a little after the first year of your life. It was because of my drug addiction. It’s not that I didn’t love you. My addiction and my choices caused me to lose you. I wanted you to know that your dad and I wanted to take you home that day in the hospital. However, we were new parents and unprepared to care for you. Once Children’s Protective Services saw that I was still using they wouldn’t let me bring you home. Your absence was so painful. My heart broke that day we parted and every day since you’ve been gone. It has been hard for me to function. You have to stay with your foster family while I get sober and begin to recover from my addictions. I’ll never forget the day you were born . You laid on my chest and opened your tiny, little eyes looking back at me. You were so small and so perfect. I knew from that day forward that I was meant to be your mother, and you were born to be my son. I want you to know that there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about you. I am still torn that at this moment you are still being taken care of by someone other than me. But Heather loves you and treats you like one of her own. I have been clean from drugs since April 26, 2023. I am in a program called Amethyst. It’s a
program for women with addiction and mental health problems. This will be the program that I get to bring you home to.
Every day I struggle with the fact that I can’t hold you, and love you, and take care of you. I just have to prove to Children’s Protective Services and the judge that I can raise you. I know the judge will grant you to come home to me very soon. I visit you for two hours a week, and that isn’t nearly enough time for you and I to bond. That is only eight hours in a whole month. My heart shatters every time we have to part. I want you to know that I believe God is going to let you come live with me some time this year.
You’re a year old. You’re so smart, and your blue eyes are a rare cornucopia of wonderful and extraordinary ray of colors. When I look into them they gleam a brilliant ray of joy and wonder that radiates through your amazing soul. And there is a warmth and sense of love and affection I feel with our connection when I hold you. It is the best feeling I have ever felt in my life. Nothing could ever compare to the blissful and everlasting comfort I experience. I hope you experience this feeling from me as well.
Every moment you are so marvelous and captivating to me with your little voice. I’ve never experienced such a natural, intensely intoxicating feeling with love in my life. You give my life purpose. You give me the strength to continue living each and every day. I want you to know that
you are worth fighting for and that you are wanted in this world. Your life and your heartbeat give me the courage to fight my disease of addiction and reassures my faith that I will have you in my arms when the time is right.
If you work hard at your goals, you can achieve anything you want. A person’s will power to accomplish their goals is limitless. With the determination I have to bring you home to me forever, I absolutely know it is a task I will complete in life.
Landon, again I was born to be your mom, and you were born to be my son. I know this and the universe knows this. God is aware of the love I have for you. It is infinite. The bond we have is as strong as the illumination of the moon. This separation will not be forever. And as long as I am breathing, I will never stop fighting for you. The day you are permanently back in my care will be the beginning of the beautiful life I’m so excited to start with you. The thought of you living in my care is exhilarating, and that day will be the day the Lord has made. I love you more than all the stars in the sky. You baby boy, have never escaped my mind, just my grasp temporarily.
With all my love, Mom
To My Mother by Allyson W
I’m sorry I’ve been so distant for so long. I lost myself for a while. But don’t worry, Mama. I’ve spent the last year working my hardest to get myself back. It’s been a long and scary year, but the progress is real and tangible, and I’m proud of myself for the first time in a long time.
I’m sorry we never got to have the happy, healthy relationship all mothers and daughters deserve. I’m sorry it took me until after you got sick to understand why you did the things you did. You are a good Mama. You always have been because you did the best you could with all the traumas and mental health issues you have survived.
I’m sorry I fought you so hard when I was young. I thought you didn’t love me for who I was so you wanted to change me. Turns out you were just scared for me and wanted me to be okay. I’ve come to realize that all mothers want to do their best and if they aren’t, they just need help. I’m sorry I couldn’t help you, Mama.
Watching you slowly deteriorate over the last decade has been so incredibly hard. Knowing there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it is forever worse. No one deserves this, Mama. Especially not you. I won’t lie. At first I just separated myself from you and your new reality. I couldn’t handle it. I went on autopilot and did what I needed to do to take care of my boys and you. I shoved it all down like I did with most things
back then. Since then I’ve spent years battling how I felt and a few more numbing them out. I was too burnt out from motherhood to deal with it. Now, I’ve done a lot of healing work, and I’m grateful I get the chance to show you I’m better. You would be proud of me, Mama.
I thought I was ready for the last days you have on this earth, but now I know there’s no possible way to be ready for the end. I want my Mama back. I want a second chance with you. I guess I will have to wait until the next life. I will find you again.
Though I’m not ready to say, “Good-Bye,” I am ready for you to get the rest your body deserves after all its suffering. It’s a weird way to feel, that’s for sure. You did good, Mama. You’ve fought so hard, and I’m proud of you.
I will love you always. Allyson
To Myself by Jody B
I stand alone today. No old friends to carry on; they simply weren’t worthy of this journey I’m on. Not even best friends because they all have passed away. I chose to start fresh, no baggage. I’m not a product of my environment any longer. I know today what is important, and this is my last and only shot at totally turning my life around. No more lies, cheating, manipulations; no more smoke screens, no tiny fibs, no drugs or alcohol.
I love my life right now, and I’m becoming a proud person. I expect to get my daughter back soon. I simply can’t have anyone or anything around me that represents the slightest bit of my old ways or thinking. I require clean, sober, spiritual, reputable, honest and caring people in my life. It’s not just me. It’s we. It’s me and Allison. We deserve all of that and then some. We won’t settle for anything less.
Jody To Jaida, My First Love by Brittany C
I’m writing because every time I speak to you the words you deserve to hear are lost in translation. My biggest emotions always seem to spill out on the page, so I’m hoping you will feel it too.
Jaida, my first born, I love you more than words can express. I feel terrible that you do not know how much you mean to me, but I dropped the ball. This I know. You see Jaida, when you were born I swore to myself that you would know that you were loved very deeply by me, your mother. I didn’t want you to go through what I went through as a child. Growing up not knowing where you should turn to find love was not my intention. Well it doesn’t matter that my intention was to give you all my love, because what matters is that I failed
you. For this there are no words that can make it better.
Jaida, I want you to know that your pain is felt by me more than you will ever know. I wish I could take back my addiction and for you to have had all my love that you deserved. The sad truth is that I can’t, but I am here now waiting for whenever you are ready to talk. I do not deserve your forgiveness, but I will ask for it anyway because I love you, Jaida, my first love. Just know that you are a part of me, and I am a part of you. I will wait until the day I die for our reunion. I will love you to the end of time.
Mom
Section V. Forgiveness
To My Children by Paige C
My dear children, you are the best thing I could ever have wished for. I’m very proud to be your mother. Although I am very sad that I didn’t do my job completely as a mother. And I thank God for awakening me from that person I was in that past life.
I am very grateful that I have another chance to be in your lives. I promise to do well and support you all always, and whatever it is that you need guidance in mommy will make sure she gets you there. I want to love and take good care of you. I am grateful to have you back in my life. I want you 3 to know that I’m still here for you and will guide you on the right path of life. I will see that you guys have a bright future and that your tasks are met with success.
I am here to protect you, so you have nothing to fear. I really feel peaceful knowing that I am in a program and doing what needs to be done so that I can come back into your lives as a better mother. Mommy
To My Feelings by Trina R
I am very upset with what I have done to destroy my family by having an addiction illness. I lost my husband, my dog, and myself. But now, I
am taking one day at a time. I know my husband is very upset with me and the whole situation. There is nothing I can do to change my past. So, I just pray and ask God to forgive me. I must keep going or I will lose my own sense of self.
The one thing I know is that I will not beg him to forgive me. I will keep going with my sobriety and move on in a program called Amethyst that is giving me a place where my son and I can live for now and where I am receiving treatment. I will start over once again. So now I just pray, cry, and keep moving forward one day at a time with my son and doing the best that I can.
Maybe one day I can look back on all that I have done and stay sober and just live my best life.
Trina
To Kashaune, My Son, by Gelyn Renee C
Twelve long years! Wow has it really been twelve years? I remember as if it were yesterday, starting with your embrace goodnight with a kiss on my head. The words, “I love you Mom” dance in my head. I see your Adam’s Apple at my eye level. This night you went to your room after I fixed your plate. I glanced in to assure your comfort.
“Goodnight KK,” I said as I left your room.
Never did I know that would be the final time to say these words. I could never guess the heartache to come, the tears I would cry. Even now 12 years later, my defeated good-bye. My baby I love you.
I do. I miss you. Your brother misses you too. He is still struggling bad like me, but we often share good days thinking about you.
I know your brothers worry about me a lot. I haven’t always dealt with my pain that well, but I promise you I will try my best to stay focused and do the next right thing for all of us.
I am sorry for any hurt I caused you and the boys. I only ever wanted my love to show in the way I cared for y’all. God knows I did the best I could with what I was given. Mom
Roy, Can I Forgive You? By Aubree J
I’m trying not to hate you and to forgive you for myself so that I may finally have peace after you attempted to take that from me. I am also attempting to forgive myself for giving you the ability to tear me down to such a level.
You came into my life when I was the most vulnerable and convinced me that you loved me while I was still grieving the absence of my children, who I had just sent away while trying to repair my housing situation. It made me so angry when I joked about you being suspiciously nice. Now I know that it upset you because it was truly an act, and I had every right to be suspicious. I devoted and gave all of myself to you, just as you had asked. And my reward for doing so was nothing but abuse.
For too long, I allowed you to rape me, beat me and make me believe that I was nothing. You twisted my mind to make me ashamed of everything that I used to feel pride in and what used to make me love myself. You isolated me from everyone I knew and convinced me that everyone hated me and that I should be grateful to you for even associating with me.
You destroyed my home so that I became homeless to ensure that I couldn’t bring my kids back home. You robbed me of all forms of communication and my clothes too as a way of preventing me from finding a way out of my situation through employment or something else. You disallowed me from seeking treatment when I was seriously ill to the point that I almost died and was so weak that I didn’t even have the strength to hold a pen in my hand.
You tried so hard to destroy me, but no matter what you have done, or will try to do again to ruin my life, you will never succeed. Like the Phoenix, I will always rise from the ashes, rebuild, and come back stronger. Your actions will never define me, and I know that everything you said to me was a lie.
I have friends and every right to be proud of the person I have become. I will not hold onto resentment and allow the past or you to damage me any further. I will let go. I will heal. I will be free of this pain. And I will forgive you, Aubree
To My Mom by
Kimberly M
Let’s chill.
Let’s settle down.
You are the only one I want in my life. Your turn to sing! And when you sing girl, I knew I had to have you to make me feel special. You are the mother that was made and given for me from God. Just to hear you laugh makes me laugh. I love you so very much. You are very special to me.
I am disappointed in myself for ever using drugs. You worked so hard to raise me in a loving, supportive home. Your mind is full of words from about a thousand books you refuse to throw away. But I don’t think any of them ever told you just how to stop caring. You are a dreamer, and you have been there and done that when it comes to hardships. How did you have the faith that I would recover?
The woman you are inspires me to always be cool. Your style cannot be measured, and when you speak, the spirit listens. You never curse or holler at me. You have been through so much pain and still every day you wake up cheerful. Thank you for always loving me. Our relationship has a safety nickname. So, if I text you the wrong spelling, you know there is a red alert that needs to be flared.
How much you have shared with me, like the strength of your backbone and to hold my dignity high. You are beautiful to me. I am proud of you for
getting your two degrees and starting your own company. There is no other voice I want to hear when I call Momma. I remember you calling me two blocks away. Everybody knew not to mess with your kids.
You never complained about having to get up at 4:30 am to cook holiday dinner. Oh, how the house smelled so good. “Can I help cut the greens,” I asked?
“Sure,” you always say. The times in the kitchen will always be within me. There are not enough lines in the world on a piece of paper to say thank you. Thank you for just for being only you.
“Green beans again Mom?”
Kimberly
Amethyst is an Alvis behavioral health treatment program for women in recovery. It provides a client-centered program that enables women to create a solid foundation for recovery and a stable, sober life in the community with their children.
To support this program please visit Alvis180 org for more information or scan the QR code below to make a donation.
