August 2024

August 2024

Volume 2 Issue 8

MAGAZINE

A Lifestyle Magazine Made for Everyone

Southern Bella

Club Bag

Must Haves!

Some Like it Hot: Intro to Wax Play

altlifemagazine.com

The 5 Types of Intimacy

August 2024

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Volume 2 Issue 8

altlifemagazine.com

16

The 5 Types of Intimacy

04

Why AltLife from Swinger Society Owners

17

Communication and Transparency in ENM

05

Discord Staff Spotlight

21

Running Toward the Cliff

06

Cover Model: Southern Bella

25

Club Bag Must Haves

09

Sweet Torture

27

Defining AltLife

12

Some Like it Hot: Intro to Wax Play

28

Upcoming Events

03

Behind the Scenes

02

BEHIND THE SCENES

DAN & LACY THE SWING NATION

altlifemagazine.com

JEFF & ERYNN SWINGER SOCIETY

NICOLE SWINGER SOCIETY

EDITORS

SUZI

PAUL

CHARLIE

JORDON

LAYOUT & DESIGN

JSWING216

TARA

CAT

OPENLOVE.ORG

CASSIE

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WHY ALT LIFE? You may be wondering why we’ve d e c i d e d t o l a u n c h a m a g a z in e . T h a t ’ s a f a i r q u e s t i o n ! I f y o u ’ r e f a m ili a r w i t h u s you know that we host one of the nation’s top podcasts on non-monogamy a n d g e t m i l l i o n s o f v i e w s m o n t h ly o n social platforms like TikTok, Instagram, and Clapper.

S o w h y a d d s o m e t h i n g e l s e t o o u r p la t e and start a digital magazine? The truth is, ALT Life Magazine isn’t about us. It’s a b o u t y o u a n d t h e c o m m u n it y o f p e o p le who have a message to share and need a platform to do it.

This magazine is for people who may not be able to put themselves out there p u b l i c l y o n s o c i a l m e d i a d u e t o fe a r o f judgment and backlash. Our journey since 2021 into becoming social media i n f l u e n c e r s f o r t h e a l t e r n a t i v e li fe s t y le community, the one thing that’s remained consistent is the community and the people that encompass it.

Alternative lifestyle people are some of t h e k i n d e s t a n d m o s t g e n u i n e p e o p le o n the planet. The world needs to hear y o u r s t o r i e s , t o g e t t o k n o w y o u , t o fa ll in love with you like we have.

O u r h o p e i s t h a t i f t h e y c a n s e e y o u fo r who you truly are, then perhaps the hate, the stigma, and the discrimination will come to an end.

We believe one of the best ways to do that is to do what we’ve pledged to do f r o m t h e b e g i n n i n g ; t o s h in e a li t t le light on the community.

S o , w e ’ d l i k e t o e n c o u r a g e a ll o f y o u t o contribute, to share your stories, to be heard.

We want you to be able to show the w o r l d h o w t r u l y a m a z i n g a n d v a lu a b le this community is. We hope that one day we can all come out of the darkness and not have to live in fear.

27 4 04

Swinger Society Staff Spotlight

STAFF SPOTLIGHT OF THE MONTH

K K N N A A H H TT ! !

U U O O YY 5

Living an alternative lifestyle means being free and enjoying our sexuality outside the normal realm. Being able to enjoy our kinkier side with each other and showing the world without worrying what others think of us.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOOD?

Mexican and females!!

HOW WOULD YOU DEFINE YOUR ALTLIFE? I define our Altlife as being free to explore and learn new sexuality and kinks within ourself and our spouse that we would not in a traditional marriage.

HOW DID YOUR ALT LIFE JOURNEY BEGIN? FireDaddy noticed how I was extremely attracted to females. He then came to me and asked if I wanted to go to a local swinger party and it went from there.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN LIVING AN ALT LIFE? WHAT ATTRACTED YOU TO IT? We have been in the Lifestyle for 15 years. What attracted me to the lifestyle was the freedom of not being judged for my sexuality.

WHAT IS ONE LESSON YOU HAVE LEARN ON YOUR ALT LIFE JOURNEY? The number one thing we have learned on this journey is the importance of COMMUNICATION.

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Cover Feature

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE VANILLA ACTIVITY?

Sports as I am a very competitive person!

WHAT IS ONE THING WE CAN DO AS A COMMUNITY TO SUPPORT EACH OTHER BETTER? In the lifestyle we as a community should respect all decisions even if it is something we might not agree with. The Alt lifestyle is about acceptance, not bashing others. And we must remember not everyone is attracted to all. Respect their decision to choose things different than you.

WHAT'S YOUR GUILTY PLEASURE? Shoe shopping for new kicks and lingerie!

WHAT IS YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION?

My like to say my sexual orientation is BI-FURIOUS. I explain this to be a female who LOVES women but enjoys men as well.

My sexy husband FireDaddy is straight.

I LIVE IN....

Northern Alabama WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST TURN ON?

THE MOANS OF A WOMAN OR MAN WHEN PLEASING THEM WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST TURN OFF?

POOR HYGIENE

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Cover Feature

HAS LIVING AN ALT LIFE EFFECTED YOUR VANILLA LIFE IN A NEGATIVE WAY DUE TO STIGMAS, BIASED OR DISCRIMINATION? Living an ALT lifestyle has not affected us negatively as our family, friends, work and world knows about us. And it has brought us even closer in our marriage.

WHAT IS ONE THING ON YOUR BUCKET LIST YOU HOPE TO DO THIS YEAR? Be able to visit HEDO with all my Swinger Society Family!

IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WOULD LIKE THE ALTLIFE COMMUNITY TO KNOW ABOUT YOU?

HOW IS ONE WAY YOU ARE FIGHTING TO HELP STOP THE STIGMA YOUR ALTLIFE PRESENTS IN SOCIETY?

Something I would like for everyone to know is I come from a hardworking family background as my family owned a business as commercial fishermen. And I know what it is like to work in a man’s industry as now I manage rental properties.

I enjoy going out and meeting vanilla couples or visiting different communities to educate them that we are all the same when it comes to everyday life. Just because we live a different sexual lifestyle doesn’t mean we are bad; we just have a different desire.

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“Can we do that

It was the heat that did me in. The heat, the struggle, the sweat making the back of my knees slick.

I've had my dances with pain and pleasure before but nothing quite like the sweet torture he was instilling upon – below --me. But let's rewind just a little bit so I can set the mood right.

We love to push each other to our limits and sometimes we consensually push them just to see how far the other could go.

Typically he's the one on his knees, asking me sweetly for release ... but this time, he wanted to flip the script, and who am I to deny both of us this treat?

At first glance, our bedroom looks innocuous enough. But look closely and you'll see a mirror facing the bed, the slatted headboard perfect for tie-ups and a steel hardpoint installed on our ceiling. Today, our lamp glowed red, throwing shadows across the wall and making our dark bedroom furniture look all the more menacing. The perfect backdrop of what was to come.

The door closed and our mouths met, kissing passionately while our hands explored our long-loved favorite spots on the other's body, caressing places we knew made each other melt. Within minutes, we were both bare and made our way to the bed. I pushed him back and crawled atop, raining slow kisses on his mouth, over his ear, along his jaw and down his throat, my hot tongue following closely after.

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But he wanted control, and I let him take it. It wasn't long before he was on top, making me exhale with soft little moans while he palmed my breasts and licked my nipples.

He kissed down my ribs, across my belly while sliding his hands down to my thighs to part them. I ran my hand down to his dark hair and exhaled raggedly when he reached my pussy and slid his tongue into my opening. He paid attention to every bit of me from my lips to my clit, sucking on it and making me really lose whatever train of thought I previously had. My hips wiggled and writhed beneath the attention of his mouth, which had studied me for years and knew just what made me tick. My eyes were closed, brow furrowed in concentration as my moans grew louder and more desperate to reach orgasm. And when it ripped through me with a loud "Fuck!" – my fingers wrapped around his hair as he pulled every bit out of me until I tapped out, jerking at his movements over my now overly sensitive bits.

But he was far from done with me.

As I recovered from my usual mindblowing orgasms that left me panting (and a little shaky, if I'm being honest), he stood up and started shifting about the room … gathering supplies. Once I opened my eyes, I saw the good-natured smirk on his face as he wiggled a blindfold and our favorite red rope in front of me. I smiled and nodded enthusiastically, knowing the fantasy he had in mind. He helped me sit up and proceeded to blindfold and gag me with a soft bit gag.

But then he pushed me gently onto my back again and proceeded to use (what I knew to be) jute rope to tie each one of my legs in a frog tie – my favorite. Then he used our much softer rope to bind my wrists together in a traditional prisoner's tie with several rounds to ensure pressure was evenly distributed. Finally, he brought me to my knees and strung my arms up above me through the ceiling's hard point.

There I was: naked, blindfolded and gagged while balancing my weight between my bound knees/ankles and my wrists above. It was, as the photos proved later, quite the sight to behold.

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I allowed myself to feel exposed and vulnerable in the safe space that he – my husband – had held for me in that moment. That feeling slipped away when he came to me and caressed my face, my breasts, my ass, and slid his fingers where his mouth was moments ago. He kissed my lips while they were wrapped around the bit gag, making me moan in frustration when I couldn't kiss him back. I had done this so many times to him, and now it was my turn to feel it. He traveled down my body, then stepped back and let me know that he was going to have to wiggle beneath me. I didn't quite understand at first, but when he started to move my bound legs -- one, then the other -- I realized he was positioning himself directly beneath me so I was sitting on his face, my clitoris very close to his nose.

He cursed, running his hands over my thighs, and told me how fucking beautiful I looked towering over him so helplessly. I gave a little laugh in reply and tried to say something back through the gag, but then his mouth pressed to my pussy and once again all sane thoughts left my head. I wrapped my hand around the rope above me to steady myself, the gag suffocating whatever sounds tried to come out.

Through his tongue's lapping, I felt my ankles start to get sore from being flat on the bed, so I pushed myself up just to my knees and learned forward, holding myself up with the rope above. And when my wrists needed a rest, I would lean back and sit further down on his face, my ankles flat against the bed. And so began the dance, moving to and fro, all the while his arms held my thighs down, tongue sliding, then flicking tenderly, then suckling on my clit. I could feel the familiar bite of the rope against my thighs and shins as my body rocked. But instead of distracting me, I leaned into that sweet discomfort and parted my knees further, feeling his lips and tongue suckling and pressing against my clit.

Being blindfolded heightened every other sensation around me: the sound of his moans as he mercilessly ate me, the sweat sliding down my leg, the feel of tightness of the rope against my skin. When my orgasm reached its peak, it made an absolute mockery of the one before it. I screamed through the gag, pulling at the rope above me as my muscles clenched. He pulled me close, enjoying every moment of this blissful release of mine. It felt like it lasted an eternity. I scarcely remember him gently sliding out from beneath me and undoing my arms, laying me down while he worked the rest of the knots from my legs off.

When my heart finally stopped racing and he slowly removed my blindfold, my husband and I stared at each other and grinned in unison, gobsmacked at how incredible that was for both of us.

"Can we do that

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BDSM

By: Cadence Rayne

Introduction to Wax Play Wax play is an exquisite element of BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, and Masochism) that marries the allure of heat with the intimacy of sensation. Picture the soft glow of candlelight casting seductive shadows as warm, molten wax cascades over your lover's skin, each drop igniting a spark of pleasure and pain. This erotic practice, a symphony of temperature and touch, invites partners to explore their deepest desires and boundaries. When performed with care and communication, wax play transforms into a dance of trust and connection, where each heated droplet brings partners closer in an intimate, shared experience.

Safety First: Essential Precautions Before delving into wax play, it's crucial to prioritize safety. Here are some essential precautions to consider: Consent and Communication: As with any BDSM activity, informed consent and clear communication are paramount. Discuss boundaries, safe words, and limits beforehand to ensure both parties are comfortable and enthusiastic about the experience.

Choose the Right Wax: Not all waxes are suitable for wax play. Candle wax can vary greatly in melting points, and some can cause burns or skin irritation. Opt for specially made BDSM candles or soy wax candles, which have a lower melting point and are designed for skin contact.

Temperature Check: Test the wax on your wrist before applying it to your partner. This helps gauge the temperature and avoid potential burns. The wax should be warm but not scalding hot.

Avoid Sensitive Areas: Steer clear of particularly sensitive or delicate areas such as the face, genitals, and open wounds. Stick to areas like the back, chest, and thighs, where the skin is less sensitive.

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BDSM

Introduction to Wax Play Choosing the Right Wax Selecting the appropriate wax is a critical aspect of safe and enjoyable wax play. Here are some detailed considerations for choosing the right wax: Melting Point: The melting point of the wax is crucial. Wax with a high melting point can cause burns, while wax with a low melting point is generally safer for skin contact.

Paraffin wax and soy wax are commonly used because they have lower melting points (typically around 120-130°F or 49-54°C).

Paraffin Wax: Commonly used in spa treatments, paraffin wax is readily available and has a low melting point, making it suitable for beginners.

Soy Wax: Made from soybean oil, soy wax also has a low melting point and is a natural, skin-friendly option. It is often preferred for its environmentally friendly properties.

Beeswax: While natural and aromatic, beeswax has a higher melting point than paraffin and soy wax. It can be used, but extra caution is needed to avoid burns.

Specialty BDSM Candles: These candles are specifically designed for wax play, with a formulation that ensures a safe melting point and often comes in a variety of colors and scents to enhance the experience.

Additives: Avoid candles with additives like fragrances, dyes, or glitter unless they Testing: Always test a small amount of are specifically designed for skin contact. wax on a less sensitive area of your skin These additives can cause skin irritation or before using it on your partner. This helps burns. If you choose scented or colored ensure the temperature is safe and the wax, ensure they are safe for use on the wax is suitable for skin contact. skin.

Purity: Opt for wax that is free from impurities. Pure wax is less likely to cause skin reactions and provides a smoother, more predictable melting and cooling process.

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Creating the right atmosphere can enhance the experience of wax play. Consider the following tips:

BDSM

Setting the Scene

Environment: Choose a space that is easy to clean and free from flammable materials. Lay down a protective sheet or towels to catch any drips.

Lighting: Dim lighting or candlelight can create an intimate and relaxing ambiance.

However, ensure there is enough light to see what you're doing clearly.

Music and Aromas: Soft, calming music and pleasant scents can help set the mood and enhance the overall sensory experience.

Techniques for Wax Play Once safety measures are in place and the scene is set, it's time to explore different techniques for wax play: Dripping: Hold the candle or wax container about 12-18 inches above the skin and let the wax drip slowly. This allows the wax to cool slightly before making contact, reducing the risk of burns.

Pouring: Pouring wax directly from a container can create larger areas of coverage and a different sensation. Be cautious with the temperature and test it frequently.

Layering: Apply multiple layers of wax to create varying sensations. Start with a thin layer and gradually build up, allowing each layer to cool before adding more.

Color Play: Use colored wax to add a visual element to the experience. Different colors can create a striking contrast against the skin and add an artistic touch.

Splatter Techniques: Flicking the wax with a brush or fingers can create a splatter effect, producing a mix of different sensations and an interesting visual pattern.

Wax Writing: Use a fine-tipped candle or a wax pen to write words or draw designs on the skin.

This can be a fun and creative way to personalize the experience.

Temperature Variation: Experiment with the distance from which you drip the wax. Dropping it from a higher height allows the wax to cool more, creating different temperature sensations upon contact.

Combination Play: Integrate wax play with other BDSM activities such as light bondage or sensory deprivation.

For instance, blindfolding your partner while engaging in wax play can heighten their anticipation and sensitivity.

Wax Peeling: Once the wax has cooled and hardened, peeling it off slowly can provide a different kind of sensory experience. Some people enjoy the feeling of the wax being removed from their skin.

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BDSM

Aftercare and Clean-Up After the wax play session, focus on aftercare to ensure your partner feels safe and cared for: Cooling and Hydration: Use cool, damp cloths to gently wipe away any remaining wax and soothe the skin. Follow up with a gentle moisturizer to hydrate and protect the skin.

Emotional Support: Engage in cuddling, talking, and reassuring your partner. Aftercare is not just about physical care; it's also about emotional connection and support.

Clean-Up: Properly dispose of any used wax and clean the area thoroughly.

Avoid using sharp objects to remove wax from the skin, as this can cause injury.

WAX PLAY CAN BE A THRILLING AND INTIMATE ADDITION TO YOUR BDSM REPERTOIRE WHEN DONE SAFELY AND CONSENSUALLY. BY PRIORITIZING COMMUNICATION, SAFETY, AND AFTERCARE, YOU CAN CREATE A SENSUAL AND ENJOYABLE EXPERIENCE THAT DEEPENS TRUST AND CONNECTION WITH YOUR PARTNER. REMEMBER, THE KEY TO A SUCCESSFUL WAX PLAY SESSION IS MUTUAL RESPECT, CLEAR BOUNDARIES, AND A FOCUS ON PLEASURE FOR BOTH PARTIES INVOLVED.

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When we hear the word “intimacy,” there is generally one thing that most often (and quickly) comes to mind. However, intimacy is so much more complex and multifaceted than boiling it down to only one thing. Intimacy can be defined as the connection and closeness between two individuals. It is the foundation of safety, trust, and vulnerability within a relational dynamic.

BY: DR. ELIZABETH FEDRICK IG: @DRELIZABETHFEDRICK

True intimacy is a crucial part of a healthy relationship because it signifies connectedness, an alliance, and an agreement to consistently “show up” for each other, even in hard times. Thus, intimacy is about the various components of a relationship that contribute to a sense of safety, connection, and partnership.

I believe that there are five main categories of intimacy in any type of romantic relationship that require time, attention, and energy from each partner:

1 2 3 4 5

Physical

kissing, cuddling, holding hands, nurturing touch, lick/nibble, rub/caress, sexual activities

Emotional

communication, vulnerability, connection, flirting, laughing, empathy, dreaming together

Intellectual

deep conversations, thought-provoking, mental stimulation, museums/theater, introspection, creativity, curiosity

Experiential

exploring, adventures, novelty, experiences, challenges, spontaneity, out of comfort zone

Spiritual

inner worlds, higher powers, values/morals, rituals, meditation, tantra, attunement

If your desire is to create, regain, or strengthen your connection with a romantic partner, stop to assess how much effort you are putting into each of these areas … and then identify ways you can start today to make each one more of a priority.

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COMMUNICATION AND TRANSPARENCY IN

BY: HOTDILF

Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) is a form of relationship where all parties involved consent to engage in romantic or sexual relationships with others outside of the primary partnership. Central to the success of ENM is effective communication and transparency between spouses or partners. We are going to explore why these elements are crucial and offer insights into how couples can navigate the complexities of ENM.

The Pillars of ENM: Communication and Transparency 1. **Building Trust:** Trust is a key foundation in any relationship, but it takes on even greater significance in ENM. Your person should feel secure that their partner will be honest and forthcoming about their other pursuits.

Regular, open communication helps build and maintain this trust, ensuring that both partners feel respected and valued.

2. **Avoiding Misunderstandings:** Understand that misunderstandings are going to happen. We’re all human, however; clear communication helps avoid misunderstandings that can arise from assumptions or incomplete information. Couples & even singles engaging in these relationship styles should discuss their expectations, boundaries, and feelings regularly.

This helps cultivate an open & secure relationship.

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3. **Managing Jealousy:** Jealousy is a natural emotion, it's not always avoidable and can even be enhanced in ENM. Keeping open lines of conversation about jealousy can help all to understand each other's emotional triggers and work together to address them. Transparency about interactions with other partners can alleviate insecurities and reduce jealousy.

5. **Strengthening Intimacy:** Paradoxically, discussing relationships with others can strengthen the bond between primary partners. Most couples and singles experience something called compersion. This happens by sharing experiences, feelings, and thoughts openly can deepen emotional intimacy and reinforce the commitment to one another.

4. **Ensuring Mutual Consent:** Consent is probably the biggest golden rule in Lifestyle. This means that both partners must agree on the terms and conditions of their nonmonogamous activities. Transparent communication ensures that consent is ongoing and informed, preventing feelings of betrayal or discomfort.

Tips for Effective Communication and Transparency 1. **Regular Check-ins:** Set up regular times to discuss your relationship and any concerns or feelings that have arisen. This creates a dedicated space for open dialogue and can prevent issues from festering.

2. **Use "I" Statements:** When discussing sensitive topics, use "I" statements to express your feelings without placing blame. For example, "I feel insecure when..." rather than "You make me feel insecure by..." This helps to keep from placing any blame on each other.

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3. **Be Honest but Tactful:** Honesty is crucial, but it should be balanced with sensitivity. Share your thoughts and feelings truthfully, but also consider how your words might impact your partner.

4. **Listen Actively:** Active listening involves fully concentrating, understanding, responding, and remembering what your partner is saying. This means putting aside distractions and truly engaging with their perspective.

5. **Seek Professional Guidance:** If communication challenges persist, consider seeking the help of a therapist who specializes in ENM. A professional can provide tools and strategies to enhance communication and resolve conflicts.

Ethical Non-Monogamy can offer a fulfilling and enriching relationship dynamic, but it requires a foundation of strong communication and transparency. By prioritizing these elements, spouses can build trust, manage jealousy, ensure mutual consent, and strengthen their bond. Navigating the complexities of ENM is an ongoing process, but with commitment and openness, it can lead to a deeply satisfying and respectful relationship.

ENM foundation requires a

of strong

communication & transparency

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Sources:

1. **"The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures" by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy** This book is a foundational text on ethical non-monogamy and covers topics such as communication, jealousy, and boundaries.

2. **"More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory" by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert** This guide offers practical advice on how to navigate polyamorous relationships, with a strong emphasis on communication and transparency.

3. **"Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy" by Jessica Fern** This book explores how attachment theory can be applied to non-monogamous relationships and highlights the importance of open communication and emotional security.

4. **"Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships" by Tristan Taormino** Taormino's book is another essential resource that delves into various forms of non-monogamy and provides strategies for maintaining honest and transparent communication.

5. **Academic Journal Articles:** - Conley, T. D., Moors, A. C., Matsick, J. L., & Ziegler, A. (2013). "The fewer the merrier?: Assessing stigma surrounding consensually non-monogamous romantic relationships." *Analyses of Social Issues and Public Policy, 13*(1), 1-30. This article examines societal attitudes toward nonmonogamous relationships and the importance of communication in mitigating stigma.

- Mitchell, M. E., Bartholomew, K., & Cobb, R. J. (2014). "Need fulfillment in polyamorous relationships." *Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 31*(2), 184-207. This research explores how communication impacts need fulfillment in polyamorous relationships.

6. **Online Resources:** - **Polyamory Society**: Offers resources and articles on maintaining healthy communication in polyamorous relationships. (https://www.polyamorysociety.org) - **More Than Two**: The official website for the book "More Than Two," which includes additional resources and blog posts on communication and transparency in ENM. (https://www.morethantwo.com) These resources provide a comprehensive overview of the importance of communication and transparency in ethical non-monogamy, offering both theoretical insights and practical advice.

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RUNNING TOWARD BY: LAUREN, “SWINGING LIFESTYLE COACH”

When I was in Rio de Janeiro I decided to go hang gliding, which was one of the main tourist things to do there. You jump off the side of a mountain, fly around for a while, and then land on the beach below. Simple. Scary. I was nervous, but I generally have confidence in the people who do this every day, taking hundreds of tourists off of the same cliffs. My instructor spoke good English and I felt comfortable about our adventure together.

Once we were strapped on to the hang glider together, he explained how we were going to be running off of the ramp in front of us. He started to get very excited — like a coach during the halftime of a close game — really pumping me up.

“You can do this!” He was looking me in the eyes and saying over and over how I needed to run my hardest – “Give it everything you’ve got!”

In my head I was like, “Dude. OK, I got it. Run hard off the ramp.” He continued to pump me up until we finally started running toward the end of the ramp. I immediately understood. My brain understood that I was to run fast toward the cliff’s edge. My body sort of overrode that decision. My bodily systems were saying, “I don’t know if you see what I see, but there is NOTHING on the other side of that ramp. You think I’m running towards death? Um, no.”

So, my running start was a product of two competing forces: go like hell and STOP!! We had an ‘OK’ take-off, as he put it. The hang gliding was pretty fantastic in my opinion, but evidently it could have been better. If only I could have conjured all of the courage to run towards a cliff’s edge.

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There have been many times in the lifestyle that I think the same dynamic is happening. Mentally, something seems fun, or “not that different from other times,” but there is a fear that is holding me back. It may not be as obvious as the ramp to oblivion, but the fear may be just as real.

My husband and I have always been in alignment that we were not interested in a polyamorous relationship. In the very beginning we didn’t even know we were going to make friends with people because we thought the way it happened was that you didn’t see people again — in order to maintain any emotional detachment. That seems ridiculous now — all of our friends are in the lifestyle at this point and we play with them often. We love our friends, and we aren’t "in a relationship” with them.

When I started to see a particular guy that I liked being with, my husband’s alarm bells started going off. This friend and his wife didn’t often play together so I would mostly see him when I had nights out on my own. “This seems like it is turning into a boyfriend,” he said. I knew it wasn’t, I didn’t have those kinds of feelings for him. I just liked him as a friend, but the situation felt threatening to my husband. I started seeing him less because I knew it caused my husband a lot of stress and it just didn’t seem worth it.

When we had been in lifestyle a while my husband went down this same path with a woman he had a great connection with. We had met them as a couple, but they divorced so then she was single. She didn’t live in the same town as us but in a town we often travel to, so there were lots of opportunities for meet-ups. I felt myself have the same reaction — accusing him of creating a girlfriend relationship.

He would say he wasn’t. He didn’t stop seeing her, in fact, he kept inviting her places. Always with my consent, of course. I liked hanging out with her too, but it was like my brain was understanding that I should run toward something, but my body was saying, “Hell no.” I loved it when the three of us played together — so my body was a yes — but my brain was no because of the fear of the path we were going down.

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I felt like he was asking me to run down a ramp toward having a girlfriend and I did not want to run down that ramp. To me, the end of the ramp was truly unknown.

Oblivion. We were working with a therapist at the time and we muddled through that entire incident. What was the most difficult for me to admit was that in that moment I thought our marriage was over (he never thought that, by the way). I thought I was going to die.

That ended up feeling really embarrassing to me. I mean, I know I love my husband, but really, I thought I would die without him? That is not who I knew myself to be.

I’ve since learned, or better understood, that that is actually what a committed relationship is: allowing ourselves to love someone so much that we think we might die without them (at least metaphorically). Embarrassing. Really fucking vulnerable. Like trusting some guy I just met to fly a contraption that would save us from falling off of a cliff’s edge.

Lifestyle Advice

Fast forward through many arguments (I was angry that I had stopped seeing my guy and he didn’t do the same) and a couple of emotional breakdowns. I even had what I would call my biggest emotional break-down of my life around this issue. In that moment of our fight/break-down, I could not breathe, and I thought I was going to die. I didn’t see how our marriage was going to continue.

The simplified version of this story is that I confronted my fears, and my husband and I had some heart-to-hearts that were needed and overdue. We both recognized that there are a lot of things to unlearn and rewire when participating in nonmonogamy since it is contrary to the culture that we live and grew up in. We are so wired we don’t even realize something is a belief until something forces us to question our own feelings. My rewiring was understanding that there is not just friend and girlfriend. Technically, she is a FWB (Friend with Benefits), but there aren’t enough terms to capture all of the types of relationships that are created in the lifestyle. Our culture’s language was built around mononormativity, so I had grown up understanding that when in a relationship, there are friends of your partner and then beyond that, there are threats. Once I realized this, I stopped seeing her as a threat and I was able to accept our relationship’s nuances.

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has to be built — monogamy or not — in friendship and romantic connections.

It simply takes time to build this

trust amongst all of the parties involved. I kept running

Lifestyle Advice

I should also mention that trust is always something that

toward the end of the ramp and it got easier every time because of trust. In fact, I grew to see that she wasn’t just his FWB (or whatever we wanted to call it), but also mine. That was something I didn’t realize was going to cushion the leap. I became willing to see and accept that someone else actually added to our own love for each other. I had to admit something to myself that is a truth that is difficult for our egos to accept and is ultimately the crux of non-monogamy: that we may not (or even cannot) be everything to our partner.

I wonder if this alone is what drives much of the negativity towards ENM (Ethical Non-Monogamy) — this underlying fear of not being everything to one’s partner. I’ve relied heavily on my girlfriends for all the things that my husband has not been able to provide for me through the years. That just wasn’t threatening to him. I also recognized that these other connections sparked something and brought out a part of him that we, as a couple, benefitted tremendously from. Needed, even.

There have been similar dynamics since that one. I often feel fearful in the beginning again. Not like the first time (I have never dissolved to a point of thinking I might die), but as with all relationships, it just takes time to get to know someone, to trust someone, to invite them into our lives.

When we find someone who fits with both of us, it’s pretty magical. It’s like running off the end of a ramp and actually flying.

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Personal Care & Beauty

What should we bring to the lifestyle club, event, party, etc.?

This is one of the the biggest questions new swingers ask. Many clubs have rules that the doors close after 11PM and once you leave, there’s no re-entry or making a quick trip to the car at the end of your night. Your club bag can be a regular backpack, a zippered cosmetic clutch, or even a purse. You don’t have to have a bag to go to the club, it just makes your life a little bit easier to have access to some of these items. Many clubs have lockers or places where you can store your belongings. As a couple, we make sure to check that we have these things in our bag before we leave for the event.

QUICK LIST Cash ID Condoms Lube OTC meds

Fip Flops Makeup Wipes Liquid IV Hair Bands

BY: @CALLHERANA Cash and ID. All clubs and events I’ve attended check for ID to verify age and require an entrance fee that’s usually cash only. I make sure we have our fee, both of our ID cards, and that’s it! No need to bring the whole wallet with you. I keep them in the smallest zippered pocket.

Condoms.

These are a must have for play. We practice safe sex practices and I don’t like to count on the club to have the brand or size of condoms we like to use. We make sure to have at least five in the bag at all times.

Lube.

This is a personal preference. I like to make sure I have quality latex-free lube present at clubs and for play. I keep a travel size bottle inside of a plastic bag to keep any accidental leakage contained so as to not ruin the rest of the contents of my bag.

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At an event this weekend, a fire alarm went off, triggering a migraine for me. I keep a small labeled pill box with 6 slots filled with Tylenol, Midol, Excedrin, Aspirin, and Viagra. It really made a difference having these on hand, especially when the unexpected migraine came on.

TO

CHECK YOUR ABOUT BRINGING

BAGS

Flip-Flops.

Ladies, as gorgeous as those 6 inch heels are, they tend to hurt after a long night of dancing and mingling. I keep a pair of flip flops in the bag to change into and usually leave in. This makes for a happier me.

Make-up.

Not the whole vanity, but make sure you bring things to touch up. I keep a compact mirror, lash glue, powder, chapstick and lipstick in my bag.

Sometimes play can get a little sweaty and I like to be able to touch up.

Wipes.

I use wipes after I use the ladies room, to clean up after play, or if I spill a drink by accident on my outfit. A small travel pack is all that’s needed and makes for a better experience. It helps me feel clean and ready to keep the night going.

Personal Care & Beauty

OTC Meds.

Liquid IV.

This is a drink mix for hydration that mixes into a bottle of water and helps so much with hangovers. We keep them in the bag that way we have it on the way out of the club. Pour the packet into a bottle of water, shake, drink, and enjoy having a better morning after.

Hair bands/Hair ties.

If I don’t have one on my wrist, it’s definitely in the bag. Once you get all hot and sweaty, or like to give a blow job without the mess of hair getting in the way, make sure you bring a few with you!

Every couple is different in their needs and must haves, but this is a good list to start with if you’re a new pineapple.

Make sure to check your club’s rules about bringing bags, but most don’t have an issue with bringing a backpack in as long as it isn’t obnoxiously huge. Having the right things makes for a better experience and lets you enjoy the night to the fullest. What should we bring to the lifestyle club, event, party, etc.?

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TN_Gal_Nicole joins ALT Life as editorial operations, and is passionate about ENM education

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