Frosh Revue Program

2020 - 2021

APRIL 23, 24, 25

1.

Williams Idiot 2.

Shrek: Part 1 3.

Datamatch Is Blind 4.

Lord of the Frosh 5.

Stac-Eph's Ball 6.

Commercial Break: ZONK??

7.

Shrek: Part 2 8.

Commercial Break 9. Cloudy with a Chance of COVID 10.

Shrek: Part 3 11.

Sk-Eph-er Boi 12. The Semi-Decent Paresky Bakeoff 13.

Commercial Break 14.

24 Spring Street 15.

Shrek: Part 4 16.

Woodn't It Be Nice

Rosalba Linares TJ Watkins Sebastian Van Der Weide

GRACE LEE: After a decade of observing squirrels, Grace woke up to realize that everything else in the world seemed so much bigger. Scientists who have claimed that she is in denial of her height have mysteriously disappeared at night. After moving to Williamstown from South Korea, she was disappointed to hear that chasing squirrels is still socially unacceptable, but has since made peace with the fact that the shorter daylengths allow her to chase to her heart’s content anyways. Grace’s lifelong dream is to invent doors that people can walk through. She envisions that these doors will bridge together nations, species, and even entries whose relationships have been damaged after months of civil unrest. Grace was recognized by Jiro Ono for her mastery of aerial sushi-making. With a knife in each hand and one in between her teeth, she flies through the sky and gracefully prepares her specialty dish, often incorporating small, winged, and preferably six-legged sources of protein.

A patient and quiet observer may sometimes see her hoarding disposable utensils from the dining hall in preparation for next year’s hibernation -- just like the squirrels.

SHIZAH KASHIF: As a young archer, Shizah soon found herself feeling more and more like she was a character out of your Generic Poorly Written Wattpad Novel.

This feeling was confirmed to be true when she took the 16personality test and learned she was, indeed, a Protagonist. The results of this test and various frivolous Buzzfeed quizzes, now form the bedrock of her personality. But this was not enough. Because of her endless eccentricities, she abandoned the world of archery and soon found herself on national television at the ripe age of 10. But this was not enough either. She soon fled to the United American States as a disgraced children’s television show host and has since taken an acute liking to red lipstick and being a tHiRd CuLtUrE kId as a personality buffer,,, having run out of Buzzfeed quizzes, of course.

But alas, this, too, was not enough. She now listens, wide-eyed with fascination, to the young exceptionalist “chiming in” with their “two cents” on “the issue” during a group discussion in her pol sci classes. Today, she sits with her faded glory in the Sawyer stacks, rifling through a book on the history of puns,, that art form seems to be her next guise.

And to all the other hopeful Protagonists out there, she says, “no<3.”

OBI NWAKO: King of New York. A title wanted by many, gifted to few. A great once in generation title that only the most worthy can hold. Obi is one of those few. Similar to Hercules, Obi went through similar labors. Slay the multi tracked beast of the subway system, defeat the Statue of Liberty in a staring contest, climb the empire state building with only a pinkie and his big toe. After receiving the title Obi became bored with the limits of mortality and now toys with the idea of becoming king of the world. He has not been seen in person since 1986 but when approached proceed with extreme amazement and awe. Superpowers include dabbing at incredible speeds and ferocity, raising his eyebrows, saying words in a unique order that makes the sounds that come out of his mouth satisfying to the ear, breathing.

RYAN CRANTS: Ryan was first raised by trout in a small stream in the Alaskan wilderness. From these trout he learned the lessons that guide him today.

1. Honesty is crucial—trout never speak untruths. Ryan has never told a lie in his life, and he intends to keep it that way.

2. Salmonella is a very unfortunate illness but it's also kinda funny because it starts with salmon. There is a bright side to everything.

3. The temperature tolerance of rainbow trout is from 32 to 70 degrees Fahrenheit. Their ideal range is between 55 and 60.

4. Run. Next, Ryan was gifted as a peace offering to a swarm of rats just outside a major metropolitan area in Ontario. From these rats his personality was born.

From his rat father he acquired his charm. From his rat mother he acquired his agility. From his rat brother he acquired his affinity for the color teal.

From his rat sister he acquired his distaste of the hours between 7AM and 1PM. After the rats, Ryan was given up to be assimilated into human society.

Please be kind and refrain from eating seafood and ratatouille around him.

SIMON JENKINS: Four score and seven years ago, Simon Tibia HotDog Jenkins (the third) was born in an abandoned barn in remote Yukon. From his youth he experienced illusions of grandeur, including a strong belief that he would one day be Iowa’s Secretary of Agriculture in order to print corn boy on his business card. On the third of October, the year of our Lord™ 1983, a large spider crawled down from his bedroom ceiling and landed a sneaky bite on young Sim’s arm, turning him from little Ms. Tibia to Spider Man, defender of the lost ark (or something along those lines, I didn’t finish my readings for ENG 348 Miraculous Super Heroes and Where to Find Them).

He can be found lurking across the hallways of Sage in search of empty mint boxes or sulking in the chairs on the fourth floor of Sawyer alongside a nice book, like How to Make Your Friends Think You Know How to Read, or Mouth Sounds: A Complete Guide.

LILLIE BUSHWAY: Once upon a time in a place best described as a place, two persons were born at approximately the same time. One of the persons is best described as a person. The other is best described as something slightly different. The slightly-different-thing is Lillay. Lillay has spent a considerable amount of the time she has spent on earth, the time frame best described as life, inside her own head. When she is not in her own head, she finds it enjoyable to wander through other people’s. In fact, she often wanders in two heads at once. She finds it unimaginable that other people exist without participating in frequent mind-meanders. Some people don’t even earth-stroll, which is truly baffling. She additionally enjoys water walks.

When not mind, earth, and water walking, Lillay has spent her time at college playing the role of Lizzie. This has been eye opening because although she always thought she would grow to be an Edith, now it seems she might proudly blossom into a Mary-Ellen.