MAKE NEW FRIENDS

Without good friends most people find it difficult to be truly happy. We all need someone to laugh with, someone to share our interests with, someone we can turn to for advice, support and comfort. Yet, as we age, it can seem difficult to make new friends. But making new friends is a skill that can be worked on and perfected, just like any other skill.

IN OURTEENS the opportunities for friendship seemed limitless. Most people in our age group were single, childless and seeking to establish relationships. Many were still in search of a close best friend. But once you reach your mid to late twenties, those of similar age are starting to commit to marriage, to raising children and to building a career. It is not that people over 30 do not wish to make new friends, it’s simply that it is easier and less time-consuming for them to stick to their old friends. Of course, making new acquaintances is easy. Ask a lonely 30 year old if she knows lots of people and she may show you her 600

Facebook followers. But she may also complain that she still feels lonely and has few close friends. Meeting new people and forming casual, shallow relationships is easy; making deep, intimate friendships is difficult. Yet in many ways modern life provides better opportunities to form these sorts of deep friendships later in life. Fifty years ago the majority of people remained in the area in which they were born, living close to childhood friends. Today, in an increasingly globalized and interconnected world, it is more common for people to move around. Thus, more people are either seeing old friends leave, or are themselves leaving old friends.

FIRST, it is important to ask not what you want from others but what others want from you. Many friendships are founded upon, and sustained by, a mutual interest. Cultivate an interest in as wide a variety of subjects as possible. Do not focus too exclusively on your love of literature or football. Watch more films, learn to play poker, keep up with politics or join a history group. People often regret not having someone in their lives with whom they can share their love of, for example, the Beatles or French movies. In their youth, people are more easily impressed by fashionable clothes and lots of confidence. But as they mature they often seek out depth, enthusiasm and knowledge.

OF COURSE, cultivating lots of new interests is of no use if you are tedious, unpleasant company. Work on your people skills. Ask yourself what sort of conversationalist you are. There is usually much room for improvement. The golden rule when meeting new people is to listen. That does not mean patiently waiting for the other person to finish. Really listen to what they say. Maintain eye contact, smile and nod along as the person you wish to befriend is speaking. In general, people in conversation with others appreciate two qualities above all: enthusiasm and cheerfulness. Life is difficult, and often tedious, so the last thing people want is to speak to someone negative and depressing. Always be conscious of how you are making the other person feel. If you boast, you are probably making the other person feel small. If you monopolize the conversation, constantly interrupting and disagreeing with your new friend, you are probably making them angry.

ONCE YOU have taken a good look at yourself and done what you can to improve your attractiveness as a friend, it is time to seek out new people. Meet as wide a variety of people as you can and, above all, do not give up. You will meet many odious individuals, and you will endure rejection. But that is true of any attempt to establish relationships with others. Remember, no contact is ever a waste of time. Many people meet their closest friends through other friends. You may not care much for John, but through John perhaps you will meet Peter, with whom you will go on to enjoy a lifelong friendship. Sociologists identify three conditions necessary for establishing lasting friendships. The first is proximity: no matter how well you get along with a random stranger at a party, if he is just visiting from the other side of the country it will be difficult to build a relationship. The second is repeated, unlooked for contact. To make a friend, you need to see them regularly. This is why so many people make their closest friends at school or work rather than on occasional visits to the park or local bar. The third is most important. For an acquaintance to turn into a close friend you need to spend time together in a relaxed, informal setting in which the barriers of stiff, formal politeness can be overcome.

FINALLY, BE CONFIDENT. You must make the effort to invite people out to dinner or on a fishing trip. This demands a little courage; you have to expose yourself to the possibility of rejection. If you meet someone at work who shares your love of Jane Austen, or golf, or classic cars invite them over for a bottle of wine. Alcohol relaxes people and allows a greater intimacy to develop. Don’t be afraid to tell people that you like them. For all you know someone may enjoy your company very much but not realize you feel the same. Don’t hesitate to say to someone “I do hope you can come. I don’t meet many people who also love literature. It is such a pleasure to be able to chat about Shakespeare and Dickens.” The most popular individuals tend to be those who are able quickly to get past formal politeness and reach a level of friendly intimacy. Popular people also tend to be quick to call someone a friend.

TAKE AN INTEREST in the world, work on your people skills, be open and approachable and above all don’t give up. If you do all these things, and you keep trying, eventually you will find someone you really connect with. Never forget that many people out there are also lonely and in search of friendship. No one ever made close friendships by demanding affection and interest from others. You will make friends if you get out there and demonstrate affection and interest towards others.