LONELINESS: A Growing Health Concern

My friends were on time. I went outside to welcome them. The first few to arrive excitedly greeted each other, hugged, joked, and chatted. As others arrived, I soon realized I would have to gently nudge them to get them into the house so we could get started. Once inside the house, a similar thing occurred. As the hostess, I had a hard time getting them from the living room sofas to the table to dine on the supper I had prepared. The chatting and laughing continued, this time in small groups of two or three. “I might have to warm the food again,” I thought to myself. It seemed like they hadn’t seen each other in years. It was then it occurred to me: this group of mostly single women were bonding and connecting in a way that almost seemed therapeutic. Seven of us had come together to celebrate the birthdays of two ladies. But I soon realized that it was for more than that we had gathered. We were all craving in-person, social connection.

At another celebration two months later, through conversing with each other, it became obvious to all of us that most of us were experiencing social isolation; bluntly put, we were lonely. Our socioeconomic statuses were pretty good; from outward appearances, physically and spiritually we were in good shape and standing; mentally, for the most part, we seemed okay. Socially, though, we were struggling- struggling silently with loneliness! Most of us were siloed and longing for in-person, social interaction. What did we do about it? We shared our feelings with each other and started putting systems in place to connect with and support each other.

Is loneliness unique to my group? No! U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy was sounding the alarm in 2017 that as a nation, we are suffering from an epidemic of loneliness. He came to this conclusion while on a listening tour to find out people’s health concerns during his first tenure as U.S. Surgeon. While investigating common health issues such as diabetes, opioid addiction, depression, anxiety, and heart disease, he unexpectedly discovered a more insidious problem: loneliness.1 As he began researching loneliness, he realized that it was much more common than he had thought. This led to his writing the book Together, in which he explores the healing power of connection. Let’s delve deeper to gain a better understanding of loneliness.

“Loneliness is an emotion that comes from a lack of social connection.” 2 It is a normal human emotion that anyone can experience, regardless of age or background. “But, at the center of

1 Jena McGregor, “This former surgeon general says there’s a ‘loneliness epidemic’ and work is partly to blame,” The Washington Post, October 4, 2017, https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/on-leadership/wp/2017/10/04/this-former-surgeon-general-says-theres-aloneliness-epidemic-and-work-is-partly-to-blame/.

2 “Loneliness.” CDC.gov, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, https://www.cdc.gov/howrightnow/resources/coping-withloneliness/index.html our loneliness is our innate desire to connect.”3 A person experiencing loneliness may feel isolated and disconnected from others.

Loneliness is not a human failing. We are social beings, created for community, connection, and interaction with others. The causes of loneliness may be different for each person. Some examples include death of a loved one; divorce; severing of a romantic or other close relationship; loss of a job; incarceration; relocation leading to separation from family and friends; retirement; illness, and, yes, as most of us experienced during the last two to three years, a pandemic.

Though he or she may be isolated or disconnected from others, a person experiencing loneliness has a desire to connect and bond with others, especially with those whom he or she shares things in common. In contrast, solitude is the experience of being alone. A person who values periods of solitude (aloneness) has the desire to be alone. Solitude is as important as interaction and connection. Periods of solitude allow us time for reflection and helps us foster our own health and wellbeing. In our fast-paced, instant-digitalconnection age, solitude allows us an opportunity to remove ourselves from the many distractions and activities constantly clamoring for our attention. Solitude is peaceful, pleasant, and refreshing. It allows time for us to be reminded of our identity, as opposed to our many roles and responsibilities. When we emerge from periods of solitude, we are likely in a better position to interact and connect with others. From my observation, many people seem afraid of solitude. It’s almost as if we are running away from ourselves when we have to be constantly plugged into our devices, or into activities and other people.

It’s important to recognize that a person can be alone without experiencing loneliness. On the other hand, persons can experience loneliness, even while they are in the company of others. The difference between the two has to do with our feelings and desires to connect or not connect with others. From our conversations with each other, it became clear that what my friends and I were experiencing was loneliness because we had the desire to connect and felt socially isolated and disconnected. We had had times when we enjoyed our solitude, but the prolonged lack of in-person, social interaction with others who share common interests fueled our loneliness.

It’s not easy for most of us to admit we are lonely. We usually have to listen to how others express their feelings or observe people to uncover loneliness. In society, it’s still far too common and easier to share about our physical health than about our emotional and mental health; thus, to admit to experiencing loneliness may seem like we are admitting to being a social outcast or being deficient in some way. In our group, none of us initially said we were lonely; it was through expressing our feelings and desires, as well as by observation of our interaction with each other that we were able to deduce the core issue.

One of the tragedies of the digital age is reliance on technology—especially social media—for connection. Undoubtedly, technology has its advantages and place; actually, a debt of gratitude is owed to social media platforms, like WhatsApp, YouTube, and Zoom for helping us stay in touch through the pandemic lockdowns and other protocols that were meant to keep us safe. The problem comes when we rely constantly on social media to connect us, overlooking the necessity and value of in-person interaction and connection. The ability to touch, hug, sit next to a loved one, share a meal across the table from each other, etc., could never be substituted with emojis, digital jargon, acronyms, video calls, or instant messaging. A 2018 survey conducted by Kaiser Family Foundation/Economist examining loneliness and social isolation found that 58% of Americans view the increased use of technology as a major reason why people feel lonely and socially isolated, though many said social media either made their feelings of loneliness better (31%) and worse (27%).4

A diagnosis of loneliness may not be found in our health records or reported as the cause of death on a death certificate; yet the health habits that are associated with the diagnosis of a chronic disease (diabetes, obesity, heart disease), or reported as the cause of death by suicide or an opioid or heroin overdose may in fact be associated with loneliness.

People who experience loneliness may develop habits and engage in activities that can lead to poor health outcomes and, ultimately, death. One in five Americans (22%) say they always or often feel lonely or socially isolated, frequently with serious consequences.5 The serious consequences reported include negative impacts on their mental health (58%), physical health (55%), personal relationships (49%), ability to do their job (33%), thinking about harming themselves (31%), and committing a violent act (15%).6 In an interview with National Public Radio to discuss his book Together, current U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy shared, “I found that people who struggle with loneliness, that that’s associated with an increased risk of heart disease, dementia, depression, anxiety, sleep disturbances, and even premature death.” 7

4 Craig Palosky, “KFF/Economist Survey: One in Five Americans Report Always or Often Feeling Lonely or Socially Isolated, Frequently With Physical, Mental, and Financial Consequences,” August 31, 2018, https://www.kff.org/other/press-release/survey-onein-five-americans-report-loneliness-social-isolation/

5 Palosky.

6 Palosky.

7 Rachel Martin, “In 'Together,' Former Surgeon General Writes About Importance Of Human Connection,” interview by Rachel Martin, Morning Edition, NPR, May 11, 2020, audio, https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2020/05/11/853308193/in-togetherformer-surgeon-general-writes-about-importance-of-human-connection

The adage, “No man is an island” still rings true in the twentyfirst century and in a post-postmodern world. The bottom line is this: we need each other! We were created for interaction and connection with the Creator and with other human beings. We thrive when there is a balance of solitude and meaningful, healthy connections through interpersonal relationships. When we overlook or ignore this balance, we do so to the detriment of our mental, physical, spiritual, and social health. It’s worth remembering that health is holistic. Though we often place most emphasis on the physical dimension of health, the other components of health are intertwined and equally important. Let’s look out for each other! Let’s seek to meaningfully interact with those around us at work, in our neighborhoods, places of worship, schools, colleges, universities, with friends and family, and even with the stranger in passing (even through a smile or kind gesture).

Here are some tips to help us foster the healing power of interaction/connection:

1. Make it a point to look out for those who are new to your job, place of worship, college, neighborhood, etc. Get to know them. Invite them to eat or hang out with you or with you and your group.

2. Pay special attention to those around you who may be experiencing traumatic events in their lives, such as the death of a loved one, divorce, breakup of a romantic or other close relationship, illness, job loss, or relocation as refugees, etc. Make time for such individuals periodically and, if possible, do something kind for them, reminding them they are not alone.

3. Look out for those who may be carrying heavy burdens or responsibilities such as caretakers, parents or guardians of children with special needs, those dealing with family members with addictions or who are incarcerated, those who have mental health issues, who misuse substances like alcohol and drugs, as well as those who are themselves incarcerated. For those who are incarcerated, write them a letter, or mail them a book or money, if these are allowed. Look for ways to help ease the burden, while being careful not to create dependency or to enable certain behaviors.

4. Catch up with old friends. If you live in the same area, plan some time to meet with them in person. If not, pick up the phone, and call them, or do a video chat. Though emails and text messages have their place, in-person, visual, and voice connection are more personable.

5. Listen to others to understand and to connect with them. React with compassion, gentleness, and kindness, even if you have to set boundaries.

6. Connect through random acts of kindness. Greet a stranger, smile or wave in passing, wait and hold the door open for someone not far behind you. Brief, pleasant interactions and exchanges with others can positively impact anyone’s mood.

7. Treat others how you would like to be treated if you were going through the experiences listed above. When others perceive you truly care about them, connection and interaction become meaningful, as opposed to superficial and perfunctory. Let’s seek to reduce our own and others’ experiences of loneliness. My health, your health, and their health might just depend on it!