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Em ma’s Dilem mas Hi Emma,

Emma, I just watched a documentar y on Spaders. Did you know that there are over 400,000 species of Spaders? Those things are so scar y, I don’t tr ust their tiny little legs. -Nick, Virg o. Alright alright alright ever yone I think I am going to have to r eveal something her e: my older br other sent this question in, and as this is about the most inter personal communication I’ve had with him in the last five months, please bear with me while I indulge him a little. Ahh nepotism. You thought you’d be fr ee fr om its perilous clutches her e of all places, didn’t you possums? Nup. Sor r y.The world is a big seething turd bucket of unequal opportunity fr othing away atop ever y analogical door one tries to open, r egardless of whether that opportunity be to have a question published in a student magaz ine, to study fashion design for fr ee when you ar e not ver y good at fashion design, or to become the Pr esident of the United States because you belong to a political dynasty (Hillar y Clinton v. Koch Br others r epr esentative Jeb Bush will be kraz iest konflikt we’ll have seen since Jeb’s br other’s minders decided to make Iraq happen). Nick I’ve got no idea what the fuck you’r e talking about as usual but could you please put the bong down and call mum once in a while? Thanks.

46 Emma’s Dilemmas

Do you have any tips on relieving Exam season stress? I’m so stressed right now I’ve even been eating chocolate hahah! -Shar nee, 20 God that’s awful, chocolate. Please dr ess yourself fr om head to toe in pristine Lululemon and hit the g ym immediately so that we don’t have to be subjected to the hideousness of your visibly expanding cellulite. Other than that I sug gest that you maximise or gasms as much as possible in the coming weeks as they work wonders for str ess r elief, whether this be thr ough actual sex with an actual human who is actually capable of making you come or perhaps thr ough being cheeky and quirky with yourself on public transport. Or if that’s not r eally your style you could always just unwind by sorting and colour coding socks according to the ROY G BIV colour patter n or something because you seem quite Type A so that’s pr obably something you would enjoy.

Emma, Do you have any exam revision tips you could give me? -Charlie, 18 Emma’s Top Tip #1: I don’t think I have any tips I can give you. Emma’s Top Tip #02: Highlight things or something . Emma’s Top Tip #5: Tr y to not get drunk or high the night befor e/day of exam. Emma’s Top Tip #007: Nup nothing . Emma’s Top Tip #65: Your fault for asking the most bone-dr y boring as shit question, r eally.

Issue 83.6