20 things Things I didn’t need to hear before 7am on a Saturday morning don’t talk to anthony nocera about your gluten allergy art by laura gentgall
I work at a supermarket on checkout and, every Saturday, I open the store and get the service department ready for the day. I count all the drawers, clean, print out tickets for other departments and do anything that needs doing or wasn’t done the night before. It means that I start at 5am and finish at 10am. The shift has it’s benefits: the store is quieter, I get to use gumption to clean things (and that is one of my favourite things to do), and I have a whole Saturday free afterwards. But it also means that you get a larger-than-usual portion of the weird customers; Undesirables. Lately, the Undesirables have been getting more undesirable and I think that’s something worth commemorating… NOT celebrating. I’m not condoning this. But people who manage to be especially unpleasant before it’s light outside? That’s an achievement. That deserves recognition. This is their recognition. Here are 20 Things I didn’t need to hear before 7am on Saturday: 1. Can you tell me where the soymilk is? Apparently soymilk is really good for your sperm count and I’m trying to get mine up. I’m not trying to have a baby; I just want to be potent. Just in case. You get me? 2. With arms full of groceries. WHERE ARE ALL THE TROLLEYS? 3.Can I return these condoms? They’re too small. Winks/licks lips. 4. Have you seen my dog? She’s about five foot tall and I’ve been married to her for forty years? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAA (NOTE: Still to this day not sure if he talking about woman or animal. I hope woman but, in saying that, I also feel a little bad for that woman) 5. Can I return these condoms? They’re too big. Hides face, looks away ashamed. 6.Runs back inside: I CANT FIND THE TROLLEYS! ARE MY GROCERIES OKAY? TELL ME WHERE THEY ARE AGAIN. 7. Do you have any bathrooms? Because I am about to shit on the shopfloor if you don’t! HA HAAHA HAHAHA, seriously I need to poo. 8. I have a gluten allergy. 9. Customer: Can I return these 2Litre Pepsi’s?
Me: Sure! Was there a problem with them or arCustomer: Yeah, if you listen closely, you can hear them going flat. Listen. I press my ear up to the bottle. Customer: Can you hear it? Me: No, but I’ll just do the refuCustomer: YOU HAVE TO HEAR IT! I CAN’T BE THE ONLY ONE HEARING THIS. Runs away. 10. Do you sell anything to lighten nipple colour? 11. No, I’m allergic to gluten, not intolerant. If I eat it, I could die. Is there gluten in this, do you know? 12. THIS TROLLEY HAS A BAD WHEEL! 13. As I try to jam two baguettes into a shopping bag, Hah! This reminds me of last night with my wife. 14. Customer: How old are you? Me: I’m 20. Customer: 20? Good age. That’s when I first had anal! 15. Toddler screaming. 16. Oh, you charge for bags? Oh, I’m from Victoria so technically that should mean I get them for free, it’s the law. 17. Like, it’s just really insensitive when people call it an intolerance when it’s an allergy. 18. You had the movie Frozen in your catalogue. I really love that movie, have you seen it? I sing it all the time LET IT GOOOOO... 19. Can you explain coconut water to me? 20. Customer breathing.
Anthony is probably catching up on sleep right now. Do not wake him.