sitting on my nonna’s couch, and Molly jumped up to join me. It was cold, so she snuggled up to me and jumped on my lap. I let her. After about five minutes she waddled away but my leg still felt really warm. I looked down and saw this dark red stain, around the size of a 50 cent piece on my beige cargo shorts (shut-up, I was 10 and it was the early 2000’s, shut up). I didn’t know what it was. ‘Curious,’ I thought to myself, and then I reached down and poked at it. It felt hot, slimy. I rubbed it between the pads of my fingers before it hit me. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, shit he’s the real Superbad. And yeah, you bet your fucking ass I am. I want that shit written on my tombstone. But you’re also thinking, wow I hope he threw out those shorts. I did. Now, I don’t want to sound crass here, but I really don’t think anything says ‘gay’ more than being the sanitary product of a lesser species. Nothing says that you weren’t meant for the vagina more than a dog using you as it’s own personal napkin. And what’s worse is that Molly, whenever I see her, glares at me like she knows. Like she saying, shower all you want, you’re always gonna be my tampon. And I am. And I’m proud. I’m here! I’m queer! Menstruate on me!
Bound and Gagged
One thing that you should know about me is that I’m very uncomfortable with touching. Literally, any form of touching is not okay, unless you’re one of the select few people that I’m comfortable enough to be that close with. A few weekends ago I went out with my friends, and while we were in a bar a guy came up to me and said, ‘I think you’re really cute,’ and touched me on the arm. I got so uncomfortable that I made hand-guns, pointed at him, and yelled, ‘GREAT’ and ran away.
few years to work out since I started university, where I’ve been educated about this stuff for the first time ever, that it may be because I was assaulted in school. A lot. And no one did anything about it. The funny thing about being bullied when you’re closeted in school, especially in a Catholic one (thanks for everything, Jesus, really!), is that you think you deserve what’s happening to you. You can’t protest, you sure as hell can’t admit anything, and you can’t accept what’s happening. You just have to sit and deal with it. Silently. But when straight guys bully a gay guy, they do this thing where they act incredibly gay. I remember these guys used to do this thing where they’d walk up to me and grope me and rub their dicks on me. They’d say things like, ‘you wanna fuck me?’ and ‘do you love it?’ All these people would laugh, and they’d have this really great time, and I’d be there feeling humiliated and ashamed of myself. I remember in class a guy bent over in front of me and asked if I wanted to (and I quote) ‘rim [his] hairy asshole?’ in front of everyone and the teacher said nothing. The teachers very often said nothing. I get the feeling that they probably thought I was enjoying myself. I wasn’t, and every time someone touches me now there is a very big part of me that feels like it’s wrong. Like it’s humiliating, and that I’m defective in some way. And I get all choked up, and not in the fun way like they do during that festival in San Francisco.
Once you’ve come out, you’re going to get a lot of backhanded compliments and tolerance in relation to your sexuality. This happened to me a lot. Earlier in the year I had a friend tell me that their boyfriend liked me because, despite the fact that I was gay, I wasn’t (AND I QUOTE) ‘too gay’. And when they said that, I smiled and laughed along, and acted super complimented and even went so far as to say, ‘Thanks.’ I think I said it because I didn’t know that there were levels of homosexuality. How much is too much? How much is too little? Where was I on the scale?
But it’s only lately that I’ve realised that maybe the fact that I don’t like people (I DO NOT) isn’t the entire source of my discomfort with touching. It’s taken me a
‘On a scale of George Takei to George Michael, how gay are you?’ ‘OH, I’m one of Lady Gaga’s back up dancers.’
Last Edition of 2014! INSIDE: Coming out, Native Land Title, bar map, Feminism.