On Dit Edition 81.7 by On Dit

Edition 81.7

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Volume 81 Edition 7 Editors: Casey Briggs, Stella Crawford and Holly Ritson. On Dit is a publication of the Adelaide University Union.

EDITORIAL 2 ON THE WEBSITE

CORRESPONDENCE 4

On Dit is produced and printed on the traditional country of the Kaurna people of the Adelaide Plains. We recognise and respect their cultural heritage, beliefs and relationship with the land.

STUDENT NEWS

VOX POP

The opinions expressed within this magazine are not necessarily those of the editors, the University of Adelaide, or the Adelaide University Union.

WHAT’S ON.

Talk to us: ondit@adelaide.edu.au auu.org.au/ondit facebook.com/onditmagazine twitter.com/onditmagazine

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: ALICE BITMEAD

GENDER BIAS WITH THAT?: ALEX LIGHTBODY

DUE TOMORROW, DO TOMORROW: STIRLING CROMPTON

JUDGE OR JUDGE NOT: MAX COOPER

POLITICAL NONSENSE: ANTHONY NOCERA

I AM 20, GOING ON 21: BEN DROGEMULLER

Published 30/7/2013.

COMICS 6 FROM THE PRESIDENTS

COLUMNS

PROCESS THIS 20 KICKSTART IT: NICOLA DOWLAND

PREGNANT@UNI: ALYONA HAINES

BEARDS VS NO BEARDS: KELLY ARTHUR-SMITH + RHIA RAINBOW

PORTUGAL: LAUREN TROPEANO

THE DO NOTHING REFERENDUM: ALISTAIR SAGE

POLITICAL LESSONS FROM THE BARD: EMILY PALMER

STUCK IN THE MIDDLE: PAIGE KERIN

CLASSICS REVIEWED: EMMA O’CONNELL

ELECTION NOTICES

DIVERSIONS 46 AN OPEN LETTER TO: CASSIE EGAN

Cover art by Daisy Freeburn. Inside back cover art by Lauren Williams. Thanks go to: AN-GAS DISTRO CORP, for distribution; Daisy, Madeleine, Jack, Kelly and Michelle for last minute illustrations, and Galen for above-and-beyond layout help.

EDITORIAL

HELLO POSSUMS,

It’s four in the morning, and Casey’s started calling Monday ‘today’. Our print deadline is now ‘today’. That seminar we were supposed to go to is both ‘today’ and ‘not going to happen’. So many things haven’t happened this holidays - Cadel didn’t win his Tour, we didn’t vote for a new leader and nobody on this editorial team went swimming. If holidays are supposed to some kind of experience – a transition from my undergrad degree (status: complete) to my honours (status: enrolled, commencing 29/7) – well then, it hasn’t been much of one. I’ve been lax in posting ‘My Summer in Europe’ photos, I know. But, if you’re interested, this holidays I (re)watched the first two seasons of New Tricks, season five of Boston Legal, season one of Veronica Mars, the new episode of

The Newsroom, and then the first season of Sports Night. Do you watch Game of Thrones? I don’t watch Game of Thrones. Except for that time I watched the first seven episodes of season three. That time last week, that is. Also featured this holidays: some relatively extensive reading on Breaking Bad, The Sopranos, Battlestar Galactica, Mad Men, Lost, Game of Thrones, The Wire, Doctor Who, The Gilmore Girls (if you count Wikipedia pages), The West Wing and The Newsroom (Sorkin feelings, okay?). There’s nothing like a good critique. There. Now you know something about me. One editorial duty fulfilled – the disclosure of personal information. The ‘what’s in the mag’ part remains. Not that this holidays haven’t been productive – I read that mildly beardy dudes are more attractive than both fully bearded and lightly stubbled bros, but not as attractive as mega hirsute gentlemen. Science told us that, and in this edition we’ve replicated it in For/Against

format with a sample size of two (p30). I can smell an Ignobel Prize right now. Also in this edition, we explore the Kickstarter tactics of the already famous (p24), and share words and pictures about everything from pregnancy (p27) to Portugal (p32) – with local government politics (p36), Shakespearian Politics (p38), divorce politics (p40), and classic book... politics (?) (p42) in between. Most importantly, this edition features the testimony of those in detention centres on Manus Island and mainland Australia (p20). Regardless of your politics or your party, I’d encourage you to read and understand these letters. And then to be sad, and then to say ‘not in my name’, and mean it. So that’s it. That’s another edition and another semester started. At least, at four in the morning, iView is still waiting for me. I know ‘yesterday’s’ Grand Designs will be up by now. With love, Stella (and Casey and Holly)

ON THE WEBSITE

3 BACK IN ADELAIDE AFTER WHITLEY! BREAK? WANT TO KNOW Lachlann McArthur went along to see one of WHAT YOU’VE MISSED? WE’VE the sweethearts of the Australian music scene. return to the stage at The Gov was a GOTCHA COVERED: Whitley’s little less than ideal. Read all about it online to AUU.ORG.AU/ONDIT find out how the show went - head first, down. THIS IS THE END

We really don’t know much about this film. The end of what? Is it really the end? Why aren’t there more zombies? Luckily for us, Genevieve Novak saw the film and managed to stop laughing for long enough to review it for us.

If you’d like to know more about Whitley’s musical abilities rather than his antics, you can also check out Walter Marsh’s review of his latest album, Even the Stars Are a Mess.

KIRIN J CALLINAN

Are you the kind of person who likes matching sock and sandal combinations and athletic spray vests? Experimental guitar, ironic machismo and 80s ballads? You’re going to love Kirin J Callinan. Walter Marsh reviewed of his performance at Jive in July.

BALL PARK MUSIC SPANISH FILM FEST WRAP-UP

While the festival is over (it inconveniently ran right through swotvac), Saskia Scott’s review will give you enough detail for artsy conversations over a glass of sangria.

Justin McArthur doesn’t take himself too seriously. Take a break from your serious, studious self, and read his review of dancing and singing along to Ball Park Music at HQ.

CORRESPONDENCE

ON DIT APOLOGISES

We would like to make a few corrections to the article ‘Board Games’, published in Edition 81.6. When interviewed, Dianne Janes made a number of general comments about the responsibilities of Board Directors. In the published article these comments were inadvertently linked to the actions of a particular Director, Charlotte Thomas. At no point did Janes refer directly to Thomas in her interview, and we apologise for implying this in the article. The article stated Robert Katsambis moved a motion to dismiss Lucy Small-Pearce from the Executive on account of having lost faith in the Executive. Katsambis actually argued that he had lost faith in Small-Pearce in particular. Comments about the Executive as a whole were made by other Directors present. Robert Katsambis’ comment that ‘we’re not governed by good practice, we’re governed by the rules of the Union’ was not made during the debate on the motion to remove Small-Pearce from the Executive, as reported. It was made during a debate over whether Katsambis could add the dismissal of Small-Pearce to the agenda. There was no intention to convey the implication that any director acted outside the rules of the Union. Rather, it was argued that good practice was not followed throughout. On Dit apologises for these errors. Dear Lawrence Ben, I am terribly sad that you had to reduce your book swap idea, which was intended to hurt no one and benefit many, to a book shop. I am even sadder that you aren’t even allowed to do that anymore. I gave you my vote at the elections on the basis of your book swap idea. I had really hoped that you might be able to get it passed. I was excited when you did. Me and my boyfriend both had a lovely time at the book shop and bought plenty of useful books, including two text books that we are currently using for our courses, as well as some rare gems. Unfortunately the idea wasn’t so well received by others, whose main way of assessing value is via economic means, but that is probably something that you, I, and the rest of the

lefty scum who stick ironic stickers on our macbooks that we don’t have, are going to have to get used to. Perhaps student politics isn’t the place for progressive and bright minds, and you might rather go join a co-op dream cafe that runs on love and beans, or move to Venezuela, or hug trees, or a series of other degrading and undeserved insults that say nothing to actually address the core of what you are doing. I think you rule, and that bookshop was the most impressive thing I’ve seen seep its way out of the Adelaide University machine aside from Jenny’s art tutorials. Love, Jodie Guidolin. Dear Adelaide University Liberal Club VicePresident, I have never seen Lawrence Ben nag. Least about a book swap, book swap? that sounds fucking great. I have some books I don’t want any more, and there are probably some I could get something out of. but maybe thats just because I can read. Others who you give the obvious homogenisation as ‘lefty’, whatever that is, can probably do the same, hence their desire to attain books. they obviously like to read. to learn things. they seem to desire a great variety of ideas. I for one did get some text books, and that was great because I wouldn’t have been bothered to buy them for full price because really they aren’t worth that much and I can borrow from the library and there is the Gutenberg library and other kindling type things, I’m telling you this to help you. books are nice. some have pictures. I have one called diary of a wimpy kid if you want to swap it for a book you don’t want any more, or something else if you don’t read much. even if you don’t I know that next time the book shop takes over that ambiguous area next to that bit of space in the iHub I will be able to get all the Chaucer and Chaucer analysis I can carry, and thank fuck for that hey? Eternally yours, Gavin x

We like getting emails! Email us your thoughts with the subject line ‘Letter to the Editor’ to ondit@adelaide.edu.au and you might be printed on this page in a future edition.

STUDENT NEWS

STUDENT DEBT

Levels of student debt in Australia have increased by almost 30 per cent in the last six years, and around two thirds of students have reported incomes below the poverty line, according to a survey of over 11,000 students by Universities Australia. Half of all university students also believe that the requirements of external work negatively affect their performance at university. Belinda Robinson, Chief Executive of Universities Australia said that the impact of financial pressures on dropout rates and future enrolments should be closely monitored. ‘It is of sufficient concern to justify close monitoring – particular in the context of meeting the government’s goal to have 20 per cent of students from low SES backgrounds enrolled by 2020’, she said. Jeannie Rea, National President of the National Tertiary Education Union said that students needs much more support while they are studying at university. ‘It is unacceptable that 17% of students regularly go without food and other necessities. A university degree should be built on more than twominute noodles.’ ‘I have seen too many students stop attending classes and submitting assignments because they need to take on more hours of paid work. Too often, they end up abandoning their courses but still have to pay their accumulated HECs debt.’ National Union of Students President Jade Tyrrell said that there is a need to re-examine income support for students. ‘Students are finding it more and more difficult to strike a balance between their studies and outside work in order to survive’, she said.

SSAF GUIDELINES

A review of guidelines for the student services and amenities fee has now been completed and the review panel’s report has been tabled in the House of Representatives in Canberra. The panel found three major issues with the implementation of the SSAF guidelines: Timing of consultation with students on the priorities for use of the fee. The need for greater clarification of the relationship between student advocacy officers and universities. The need for greater clarification regarding the role of elected student representation in the consultation process, and the relationships that these representatives have with independent student organisations at the university. It is anticipated that changes to the guidelines will come into effect on 1 January 2014.

ATAR CUTOFF

The University of New South Wales have announced plans to limit enrolment to those that achieve an ATAR of at least 80 from 2014. The University’s Vice-Chancellor Fred Hilmer said the purpose of the new minimum entry requirement was to limit enrolment growth and focus on quality. In a video to UNSW staff he said that ‘Over the last few years we have grown very substantially, adding more than three per cent of students on a yearly basis. We don’t really think that’s sustainable.’

‘We need to ensure that the students that we take are the students of the highest quality.’ Professor Warren Bebbington, Vice-Chancellor University of Adelaide said that a similar move had been considered here last year. ‘If we did so it would not be far from what UNSW has just done’, he said. ‘This year, the average ATAR of our entrants was 90.1. Like UNSW we are not seeking to expand, so we will not lower our entrance scores.’ ‘Nearly 16 per cent of our students have low-SES backgrounds: it has been a commitment at Adelaide since our foundation. But they are carefully selected and supported: we know that students enrolling with an ATAR score below 70 generally do not progress successfully without extra support.’ ‘Simply leaving the gate open to even larger numbers of low-scoring students makes little sense.’ The minimum cutoff has been criticised by student groups. Jade Tyrrell, President of the National Union of Students does not believe that a student’s ATAR is directly relevant to their capability at university, and questioned the decision to set a ‘magic ATAR number’. ‘It is very difficult and challenging for students doing certain subjects or from certain areas to get an extremely high ATAR’, she said. ‘It’s quite problematic to be cutting off ATARs arbitrarily because that goes against the principle of increasing access to university.’ ‘It’s sending a strong message that under 80 is not good enough, and that’s not true.’ Words by Casey Briggs

COMICS WILD HORSE! - ROWAN ROFF

STUDENT LYF - STEPHEN LANG

THEY SEE ME RIDING... - MADELEINE KARUTZ

STUDENT REPRESENTATIVE COLUMN CATHERINE STORY

To be a student representative is to always defend students’ right to quality education. This can be exhausting. Earlier this year we fought cuts to tutorials of Humanities and Social Sciences, and succeeded. Now Humanities and Social Sciences course coordinators are being forced to justify why courses of theirs that have less than 80 enrolments should exist, through ‘course rationalisation’ Courses not deemed valuable will be gutted. The process of course rationalisation is not new, but what is new is the use of a numerical figure to guide arguments on whether a course is worthwhile teaching. What is also new, is the threat this poses to particular disciplines. There are several majors that could be at risk of being cut from the Humanities and Social Science faculty under ‘course rationalisation’. I wonder how can we ‘rationalise’ the dying of knowledge pools and the importance of some disciplines, and ‘rationalise’ the importance of some courses and majors over others. How can the University of Adelaide ‘rationalise’ the possibility of majors such as Gender Studies being cut, effectively cutting out the only areas of knowledge where women’s perspectives are represented adequately in course content? How could we justify the cuts of majors such as Classics, as so many of our other disciplines rely so heavily on the knowledge created by our ancient thinkers and scholars?

THEY DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE TRUE POWER WHICH IS TO BE FOUND IN ALL KNOWLEDGE POOLS Is it rational to say that the connection between money and knowledge pools is the only thing that matters? If students don’t enrol in courses then should these areas of knowledge and learning be wiped out? Gender studies is my own major, and it horrifies me that university senior management and a few selected people within the Faculty of Humanities and Social Sciences could rationalise the cutting out of women’s voices from education, cutting out the chance to learn about ancient thinkers, or make any similar decisions for other majors. Cuts to courses, especially in disciplines where the choice of content is already lean reduces student choice, research outcomes (by not exposing students to a breadth of knowledge), and takes away from the notion of the university as a community that holds knowledge and encourages broad thinking and learning.

power, which is to be found in all knowledge pools. If it is rational that majors should be cut from the Humanities and Social Sciences at the University of Adelaide for monetary reasons, then it is rational to assume we will fight back for social and community reasons, and that this fight is going to be a big one.

UPCOMING SRC EVENTS

SRC book sale (sell your old textbooks) – week one in the hub SALA exhibition ‘Ground Up’ – Opening Night - 1st August, Fix Student Lounge. SRC and Young UN Women Movie night Pray the Devil Back to Hell fundraiser Wednesday 31st July, 6pm Union Cinema, tickets $10 book online at trybooking. com/DFJG.

We are not research-factory workers and we are not the product of our employment, we care about our knowledge pools and we understand the power of knowledge, the power of education, and the power of sharing this knowledge in our communities.

If you’re interested in running in student elections for an SRC position, keep an eye on the AUU website for details about the September student elections.

If the university cannot see this, then they do not understand the true power, not monetary

srcpresident@auu.org.au Twitter: @adelaidesrc facebook.com/adelaidesrc

Catherine Story SRC President

QUIZ YOUR REPS

STATE OF THE UNION

YASMIN MARTIN, SRC ETHNOCULTURAL OFFICER

DEANNA TAYLOR

Q: A:

What is the role of the Ethno-cultural officer on the SRC? The Ethno-Cultural Officer represents all of the ethnically, culturally and linguistically diverse (CALD) students on campus, whilst promoting the celebration of diversity and multiculturalism on campus.

What are the biggest issues for culturally and linguistically diverse students on campus? There is a definite undercurrent of racism on our campus that manifests in pretty sinister ways. CALD students are plagued by exclusion, stereotyping, inappropriate jokes, and bullying. For a university that claims to hold ‘the light of new knowledge’, it isn’t really good enough.

Q: A:

What are your plans for Semester 2?

I’ll be campaigning for a name change of Taib Mahmoud Court, and running a cool anti-racism pledge drive. We’ve also got World Day to look forward to, where everyone can have delicious multicultural fun times!

Questions for your student representatives? Email us at ondit@adelaide.edu.au or post it on our Facebook page. Make sure you tell us who it’s for!

The last two weeks have been hectic for student activists around Australia. The July break is conference season during which several conferences are held: Students of Sustainability, Queer Collaborations, Council of International Students Australia Conference, Network of Women Students Australia, and the National Union of Students (NUS) Education Conference (EdCon). This year EdCon was hosted at the University of Adelaide by the SRC and the Union, as well as UniSA. As always, the EdCon was a great opportunity for students to get together and share skills and knowledge relating to higher education. Most importantly, over the course of three days students were able to discuss with their peers the issues that were most important to them. The NUS will be encouraging students to continuing sharing and discussing the issues that they believe are crucial in the lead-up to the Federal Election. At EdCon this year they launched their Federal Election Campaign, My Future, Our Voice; a campaign to make the major political parties take students’ concerns seriously and encourage young people to get engaged in the political process. Students frequently feel like the major parties don’t consider their interests, wants and needs when they create policies and put them forward come election time. This sense of dissatisfaction is only worsened when parties seemingly actively work in opposition to students’ interests (see the Federal Labor Government’s $2.8 billion cuts to higher education). NUS will be working hard in the lead up to

the Federal Election to make sure that students’ concerns are clear, and that the major parties listen to them. They’ll be making sure that the major parties actually have something of value to offer to us. The first part of NUS’ My Future, Our Voice campaign is to get feedback from students on what their top five important issues are. NUS will be taking the results to Canberra to lobby as many politicians as possible on those issues, and make sure they’re on the agenda at this election. Visit myfutureourvoice.com.au to have your say. Alarmingly, a quarter of 18-24 year olds are not enrolled to vote. That’s about half a million young people who are considerably politically disempowered. In the lead up to the close of rolls (which is the last day you can enrol to vote, and is a week after the writs are issued for the election), NUS will be trying to make sure young people are enrolled and ready to cast their vote so that the youth voice rings loud and clear at the election. If you aren’t enrolled to vote, go to http://www.aec.gov.au/enrol/. With student debt on the rise and quality of higher education on the decline, this election will be crucial – so keep an eye out for events and actions around the My Future, Our Voice campaign. Don’t forget that the only way for us to effect change is to get engaged and make our voices heard. Deanna Taylor Union President auupresident@auu.org.au Twitter: @auulifeoncampus facebook.com/auulifeoncampus

VOX POP

WHO HANGS OUT IN THE HUB IN THE HOLIDAYS, WE ASK? NO, REALLY, WE ASKED THEM. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.

Why are you here? What would your twerking team be called? What’s the best happy meal toy you ever got? Beards – yes or no? Why? What’s the biggest issue for you in this year’s election? Do you seek light, the light of new knowledge?

JOHN, MEDIA/FRENCH/INTER. STUDIES, 5TH YEAR

1. Printing a blog post for a winter school course. 2. Twerking is the butt shaking thing, right? Mr Fantasmical’s Cosmic Twerkologists. 3. Probably like a little car. 4. Yes – because I have one, and it’s winter. 5. Do you mean a political issue (as in the shit they’re talking about) or a real issue? I think aged care is a real issue, to be honest. But the biggest political is apparently if Tony Abbott is going to Prime Minister 6. I seek the night light in the midst of the bogeyman of ignorance under my bed.

HOLLY, GRADUATE DIPLOMA IN LEGAL PRACTICE 1. I’ve just started my course. It’s really intense. 2. I don’t know. What’s twerking? 3. I’m actually a vegetarian, so I didn’t have many Happy Meals. 4. Yes! I just think they’re, you know, manly. 5. I think party stability. 6. Yes.

NAIRONG, CIVIL STRUCTURES/FINANCE, 4TH YEAR

1. I’ve been printing my academic transcript – I just finished my finance degree. 2. Twerking’s not in my dictionary. I have never seen it. 3. In China, July 1 is Children’s Day, and every McDonalds has a different funny toy. 4. No – it looks like wire. And my mum says they look dirty so won’t allow it. And my girlfriend doesn’t allow it either. 5. I don’t have the right to vote. But the current economic condition is an issue – it’s getting hard to find a job. 6. This really sounds like a mystery. The Uni of Adelaide has something attractive, an old history, its own culture.

DALITSO (S FOR SHE), HEALTH SCIENCES, 2ND YEAR AND DANIEL (H FOR HE), MINING ENGINEERING, 3RD YEAR 1. H: I have gym every day, and I was waiting for Dalitso so we could meet up. 2. [Both laugh.] S: Double D. 3. H: I don’t eat that stuff. S: I don’t even remember the last time I had one. 4. H: I love beards, they’re cool, they’re gangsta. S: If they’re trimmed, not like a grandfather’s. It depends. 5. H: Trying to understand what’s going on! S: Improving the Aussie dollar. 6. H: Yes, constantly, always, even when I’m sleeping. S: Are you lying? H: No.

STEFFEN, MECH ENG, MASTERS, ON EXCHANGE

1. To find accommodation and get ready for orientation next week. 2. I’m not that into Miley Cyrus so I don’t know. 3. It was so long ago…A Spongebob. 4. No. But it depends on the person, sometimes it’s okay. 5. I have no idea. 6. Yes, I do. I was already in an internship after my studies, but I wanted to study more; I hadn’t yet finished my educational career, so I started a Masters, and now I’m in Adelaide.

STACEY, ARTS/SCIENCE, 2ND/3RD YEAR

1. Winter school. I’m studying Indigenous History, it’s okay. 2. I’ve never heard of twerking. 3. I actually won all the smurf figurines in a competition when I was young. 4. No! My dad has a beard. And there’s the whole milk thing. 5. That ‘boat people’ is an issue. 6. No [laughs] I can’t say.

BEC, ENVIRO. POLICY AND MANAGEMENT, HONOURS

1. Because I’m doing honours and trying to convince myself that by coming to uni I’m doing work. Actually I’m just watching podcasts. 2. Sorry? Can you demonstrate twerking? 3. I never had happy meals. I think my friend gave me a toy once. 4. Oooh. Depends on the rest of the face, and how old they are, and if it matches the rest of their hair. 5. Well…#humanrightsenvironmentclimatechangerefugeesexploitationofoverseas labourindigenousrights. That’s one issue, right? 6. [Laughs] Well, Mr Bebbington, like a plant, I seek light so I can grow.

WHAT’S ON. 12

WELCOME,

Here’s where you’ll find information, gossip, shout-outs, news, events, bake sales, pub crawls and anything else you could possibly want to know about your university. Have something to add? Think you know what’s on? If you’re running an event (pubcrawl or otherwise), let us know at ondit@ adelaide.edu.au

M U LT I P LE MEDIUMS

A SALA Exhibition Featuring art by Liam Fleming, Haneen Martin, Ben McLaren, Tom Steele and Sam Howie, this one’s in our very own FIX Lounge (or the Old Union Bookshop, adjacent to the Barr Smith Lawns). Opening Night: August 1, 6pm. The exhibtion will be open to the public from August 2-25, 9-5pm.

OVERHEARD@ADELAIDE UNI

‘There’s so many bus drivers called ‘Roger’. What’s with that?’ - girl in the Hub First years on a library exercise walking past: 1- ‘Well, this is the actual physical book, so it is a primary source right?’ 2- ‘Which one?’ 1- ‘The Oxford Dictionary of The Middle Ages’ 2- ‘Oh yeah, it’s primary because its written about the original time and you have the physical copy’ 1- ‘Okay, so secondary would be online reviews of the book, we need some of them’.

SRC QUIZ NIGHT

Are you up for a quiz night? Of course you are! The SRC are hosting a quiz night on August 8 at Rumours Cafe, Level 6, Union House. To book a table, email kieran. mccarron@adelaide.edu.au

ENROL TO VOTE. DO IT. NOW. >>>>www.aec.gov.au/enrol<<<<

N AT I O N A L C A M P U S B A N D C O M P Can you play the tuba? Well maybe you should enter in the largest live band competition IN THE SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE. Entries close on August 2 so get your wriggle on and you’ll get into the Adelaide Uni heats which run from in late August. It’s free to go and watch but if you want to enter it will cost you a grand total of $25. State finals happen in early September and the National Final is in Canberra in October. To enter, go to www.aaca. net.au/ncbc.

SRC BOOK SALE

Check out the Hub in Week 1 for second hand textbooks, novels and miscellanea. Bring along your used textbooks, and they’ll sell ‘em for you. Now that’s service!

HEARSAY LAUNCH

Missed your chance to enter Hearsay this year? Entered and want to know if you won? Hearsay Magazine will be launched and the prizes awarded on August 12. Stay tuned to our Facebook page for further details and an event to click ‘attending’ to. In the meantime, thanks to the writers of the 75+ submissions we recieved! If you have any questions about Hearsay, contact hearsaymag@gmail.com

HEARTLAND

The Art Gallery of SA is well and truly alive, with the stunning Heartland exhibition. Showing until Sept 8, it features stunning work from local South Australian artists. Coinciding with SALA Festival, it makes this month one to go see some art. Local art, at that! For info on events and opening hours and tours, check out artgallery. sa.gov.au.

DAYS UNTIL: ???? Taxes: 102 2014 Taxes:458 Death:

RICHARD III

Amidst all this talk of political leadership, the Theatre Guild is taking on one of the big ones. Including staff cast members Paul Duldig (Vice-President, Services and Resources) playing Lovell and Celine O’Leary (General Counsel, Legal & Risk) playing the Duchess of York, this one is not to be missed. Opening night Aug 3. Tickets $28/23, on the door or at adelaide. edu.au/theatreguild or BASS 131 246

University of A delaide’s Open Day

Want to hang out with next-year’s first years? No? Well, the day to avoid being campus is August 18. Unless, of course, food, music and info-stalls are your thing. In which case, On Dit has a stall feel free to come say hi!

STUDENT ELECTIONS:

Interested in running for SRC or Union Board? Details for nominations can be found on page 44-45. Nominations close 4pm August 16, with the elections the week of September 2.

C L U B S F E S T I V A L ClubsFest is happening from 5-7th August from 11-3pm in HUB Central!!! Come and celebrate club culture and have a squiz at other clubs you might want to join!!!

GET INVOLVED IN YOUR UNI!

SRC and Union meetings are open for all students. SRC meetings are fortnightly on Tuesday, beginning July 30. Union meetings are monthly; the next ones are August 21 and Sept 18.

MOVIE NIGHT!

The SRC are hosting a movie, folks! ‘Pray the devil back to hell’ tells the story of Liberia women and their actions during the civil war. If you’re interested in the stories of women in hard times, or just in movies, it’s 6pm July 31st in the Union Cinema in Union House.

LET’S HANG:

UNI GAMES!

The games will be on the Gold Coast this year. There’ll be 29 sports contested, over 6000 athletes, and all levels of ability. Sept 29 to Oct 4. More details at unione. theblacks.com.au.

MAKE POVERTY H I S T O R Y

ELECTOR AL FORUM Happening on the 2nd of August at Napier Building lecture theatre GO4. Check out the Facebook event.

Facebook: facebook.com/onditmagazine Twitter: @onditmagazine Snail Mail: On Dit, c/o Adelaide University Union, Level 4 Union House, University of Adelaide, 5005

CALENDAR: WEEKS 1 & 2 TUESDIT 30 WEDNESDIT 31 THURSDIT 1 FRIDIT 2 MAKE POVERTY HISTORY ELECTORAL FORUM SAT’DIT 3 SUNDIT 4 MONDIT 5 INTERNATIONAL BEER DAY CLUBS FEST TUESDIT 6 WEDNESDIT 7 ON DIT DEADLINE! THURSDIT 8 SRC QUIZ NIGHT FRIDIT 9 SAT’DIT 10 SUNDIT 11

JUDGE OR JUDGE NOT MAX COOPER LIKES BOOKS THAT LOOK GOOD ART: STEPHEN GRACE

I judge books by their covers. Not in the superficially metaphorical sense, where I let my first impressions of people carry me off, (well, not only in that sense) but literally. I can’t help it, and quite honestly, I don’t want to. Book covers, to me, are a piece of art. They’re a part of the complete book-package. Sure I’ll read something with a cover I dislike, but I’m not going to be happy about it. Hell, the more I like the book, the more likely I am to complain. This is because I want every part to be the best it can. I know I’m not alone in this, if only based on the outcry when books receive the dreaded promotional release for a film adaptation. There is a very good reason those ones end up marked down so much faster than other print runs. (Supply contributes, but seriously, more often than not those things are U-G-L-Y like a Daphne & Celeste song.) I don’t think that every book needs to have a cover that I fall in love with at first sight. Not all the books I read are amazing. Not all of anything is amazing. But I came up with a fairly reliable benchmark for covers: Popular Penguins. It’s nothing flash, but it’s also not an actively bad cover. It’s fine. There’s more to it than just liking pretty pictures. Full disclosure: I’m an English major, and I pretty consistently geek out over most (okay, all) parts of books (okay, everything). The cover plays a huge role in shaping your expectations of a book. The cover can even go on to become iconic – look at The Hunger Games or The Great Gatsby. They have amazing covers: the design plays into the feel of the books, they use a powerful symbol from within the story and they have a look that captures the reader’s attention. Not only do I judge books by their covers, I think that covers exist to be judged. While I’m generally a big fan of covers and their ohso-pretty intricacies, there is one massive and terrible problem: the design can be (and so often is) incredibly sexist. Take the fact that J.K. Rowling’s publishers made her publish with initials so that young boys weren’t scared off by the idea of reading a book by a woman. It’s an improvement on the experiences of George Eliot (Mary Anne Evans’ penname) or Michael Field (both Katherine Harris Bradley and Edith Emma Cooper’s) where women had to hide their identities altogether, but not by that much.

They’re not the only examples of sexism and book covers either. In May, author Maureen Johnson complained to Twitter about how many times she has been asked a variation on ‘Please put a non-girly cover on your book so I can read it - signed, A Guy’. Her follow-up challenge to redesign terribly gendered covers received a lot of interest (‘Coverflip’ on The Huffington Post, if you’re interested), the examples highlight the ‘girly’ tropes used in cover design. A more disappointing redesign of a cover is the 50th Anniversary edition of Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar (Faber & Faber). The new cover was criticised for a significant shift away from the darker tone of the covers of previous editions to a ‘chick-lit’ vibe. This isn’t an attack on ‘feminine’ covers, but on the idea that if a woman writes a novel, even one that scathingly critiques social gender structures, it should be clearly marked out so people can avoid anything ‘girly’. What I’m saying is, covers matter. I’m a big believer in the importance of stories. Stories are an important part of how we think and talk about ourselves and others. And the laziness that goes into crafting some covers is embarrassing. It is a disservice to writers and readers. It’s a discredit to stories. This applies to any terrible or unimaginative design, but when it’s also intended to reinforce antiquated gender roles by pigeonholing female authors? It’s just awful.

When this comes out, Max Cooper will still be in Cambridge. He’s too happy to come up with a funny bio this time.

DUE TOMORROW, DO TOMORROW STIRLING CROMPTON KNOWS TOMORROW IS ALWAYS A DAY AWAY ART: JACK LOWE

I’ve only had to sit four exams during my two years at university, which I admit is a pretty sweet deal for an English major. My current unemployment and lack of money will be worth it in the long run. Is it just me? Surely I’m not the only one my age who doesn’t have the desire, let alone the financial stability, to bring another person into the world. The feminist in me finds the idea of ‘settling down’ quite unsettling, as I was raised in a single-parent household and I was brought up with the reality that the majority of people out there are completely unreliable and the only person I can depend on entirely is myself. Cynical, I know. There is another part of me, though, that believes that my late start to adult life (marriage, children, owning my own house…) is totally due to my tendency to procrastinate over nearly everything I do. I procrastinated throughout year 12 due to an intense French & Saunders stage and a resurfaced love for the Spice Girls. Admittedly, I had very few friends. Instead of writing that essay on the French Revolution, I’d skip school and re-watch The Vicar of Dibley. Somewhat miraculously, I always managed to smash out that 1,000 word essay the night before it was due, earning grades that fluctuated between B’s and C’s. I procrastinated when I attended TAFE; I barely even showed up. Yet, also miraculously, I somehow passed. I’ve found that my procrastinating ways have not ceased since I began studying at university. Usually at the start of the semester I’m a keen student, trying to complete all of the required readings on time and attempting to achieve high distinctions. Usually I cope well, until SWOTVAC comes around, which results in an entire week of me believing that I don’t need to study because I’ve already attended lectures and tutorials that have covered the material in great detail. What I achieved during SWOTVAC this year was amazing. A personal triumph at best.

Day 1 of SWOTVAC Watched all 10 episodes of Orphan Black, followed by heated discussion on Tumblr. I highly recommend it. Tatiana Maslany plays four women who discover they are clones in this riveting Canadian drama. I don’t often make comparisons to Meryl Streep, but damn, Maslany is good. Day 2 Hello IT Crowd marathon. My favourite episode will always be Italian for Beginners. A fire? During a sea lion show? At Seaparks? Sudden interest in painting and art snobbery. I went out of my way to purchase a canvas and paints and other various art supplies. Day 3 Wonder what Germaine Greer’s up to these days. Typed her name into YouTube and found someone had uploaded all of Town Bloody Hall. Brilliant. Day 4 I should probably revise for that exam. But I won’t. Devil Wears Prada, followed by Bride Wars and then Les Mis, while wishing I was Anne Hathaway. I wonder if she procrastinates as much as I do. Maybe we can have that in common. Day 5 Aunt’s 50th birthday party in the evening. Set aside entire day to get ready. Expect food hangover tomorrow. Day 6 Food hangover. Day 7 Sleep in, Tumblr, followed by the realisation that the exam is the next day and I actually don’t really remember much of what was covered in the course. Set aside remaining hours of the day for revision. Oops. Despite always putting things off due to this strange superiority complex I seem to have, I have managed to pass…so far. P’s get degrees. But so do C’s, D’s and HD’s. I think I’ve learnt my lesson. I’ll change my ways. Tomorrow.

Stirling Crompton doesn’t like being within close proximity to cooked fruit, X Factor commercials, nightclubs, ex-boyfriends, pro-lifers or movies starring Jessica Biel

WOULD YOU LIKE GENDER BIAS WITH THAT? ALEX LIGHTBODY SERVES IT UP ART: KATIE HAMILTON

McDonalds should hire people with longer arms, I thought, as I dislocated several bones reaching towards the drive through window while simultaneously trying not to stall my car. But before we could drive off into the sunset with our ‘six-chicken-nugget-happy-meal-with-a-sundaeand-large-fries-with-eight-ketchups-thanks’, I heard an awkward, pre-conversational cough from the direction of the short-armed employee. ‘Did you want a toy?’ the prepubescent girl in the window asked in a tentative, but also slightly judgmental, manner to my 19 year old friend, who had ordered the kids meal in the first place. This was a stupid question. The girl, clearly startled by my friend’s overly enthusiastic response, then asked ‘The boy’s toy or the girl’s toy?’ This was an even stupider question. I turned to look at both my friend and the undoubtedly instafamous 15 year old in the window, but neither of them seemed to think anything of it. In a rage of fury and fries, I recounted this story to my self-declared feminist mother, who didn’t even bat an eyelid. ‘I don’t see the problem’, she said simply. The problem, dear mother, is that I thought society had finally realised that kids can play with whatever they want. I thought that this was the 21st century, where people understand that toys have absolutely no impact on who you grow up to be. Being gay is not the result of playing with Barbie as a child. Being an asshole, however, might be the result of thinking that Barbie is only for girls. Obviously it isn’t wrong for girls to like pink or for boys to like trucks, but I do think it is wrong for these interests to be forced upon them, especially by McDonalds. I’m not saying we should give kids toys that they don’t want; I’m saying we should give them a goddamn choice, without gender being the deciding factor. Labeling objects as ‘boys’ and ‘girls’ not only promotes gender-stereotyped interests, but also makes

things hard for kids who want to deviate from their McDesignated toys. I can distinctly remember demanding the ‘boys’ toy to go with the tomboy image that I spent most of Year Three trying to pull off. But even as an eight year old I knew that choosing this toy meant I was acting out of the ordinary. I can also remember the cruel taunting at one of many Maccas parties, when a boy was accidentally given the ‘girls’ toy. What if James was perfectly happy with his toy? The only damage that ‘My Little Pony’ could have done would have been to expose him to whatever suspicious chemicals they used in the shady, overseas toy factory where it was produced. Without being told, you and I already know which are the ‘boys’ and which are the ‘girls’ toys. But kids don’t know and kids don’t care. And it should not be up to McDonalds to change this. Ask kids if they want the dragon or the princess. Let them decide for themselves instead of letting the gendernorms dictated by society decide for them. The children of today are supposed to be smashing down the barriers of gender roles like yesterday’s Lego towers, but how is this supposed to happen when they’re literally being fed these outdated ideas? It’s the unnoticed, everyday occurrences like these that reinforce gender norms at a grassroots level, preventing the progress that we all claim to want for society. It’s great that there are boys wearing fairy costumes to parties and girls being granted permission to join football clubs. But why can’t I feed my hypothetical kids a sneaky after-school cheeseburger without them also ingesting someone else’s idea of what gendered interests they should have? If McDonalds will go to the effort of introducing healthy options that no one wants to appease changing social views, the least they could do is describe their toys by name, not gender. So thank you McDonalds, now you’ve made me fat and angry.

Alex Lightbody drinks too much coffee and firmly believes that there is a special place in hell for Adelaide Metro.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL ALICE BITMEAD TALKS US THROUGH #WORKOUTS AND #GYMBUNNIES ART: STEPHEN GRACE

My face is all damp and red and shiny, and my hair has gained that uniquely drenched-yet-still-resolutely-static-y appearance of a troll doll caught suddenly in a car wash. I’m wearing leggings as pants without a trace of irony. This, ladies and gentleman, is what is commonly referred to as ‘rock bottom’. P.E. was pretty much the only subject I failed at school (thanks again, Heavily Christian Male PE Teacher who didn’t realise I couldn’t get my period four times a month, every month – you’re a diamond). So when I first told my friends and family I was going to join the uni gym, their reactions varied from ‘you kids say the darndest things’ to ‘YOU! EXERCISE! II- CAN’T EVEN’ in between unnervingly prolonged laughter.

getting the sort of pain most people associate with acute appendicitis or pregnancy after doing the twenty-metre sprint for the train. Frankly, the time it took to get my breath back – WHOLE LONG MINUTES – was getting embarrassingly out of hand. So I went in, laid down my $65 membership fee and bought up on budget lycra. On my first day at the gym, I nearly fell off the treadmill. I pondered then, as I pounded at the aggressively red ‘QUICK STOP’ button that had been pointed out to me during my free induction session (‘you’ll probably never need to use it, it’s really just for emergencies’) that perhaps I should have opted instead for those slow in-water tai chi classes at the local pool, usually reserved for the elderly or infirm. Or maybe jazzercise, or that power-walking thing they do on Kath and Kim. But as I looked up to the heavens in desperation, my eyes fell upon the ostentatiously large communal TV switched on to The Morning Show, complete with typo-ridden subtitles, presumably for my benefit. One look at Larry Emdur’s smug, perma-tanned face and whatever moderately sexist, entirely bogus quip he was making at the time was enough to make me slam the ‘QUICK START’ button and start jogging my way to an irritation-fuelled fitness nirvana. Tragically though, it looks like abs/biceps/ anything of steel only come like the Ab Swing – in ‘fourteen easy payments of $49.95!’ The taps in the ladies change rooms fall off periodically so that random patrons are frightened by sudden yells when one hits my foot whilst showering, and the presence of actual hot water seems to wax and wane with the moon.

This was a sentiment later affirmed by the palpable judgement emanating from both the salesman at Rebel Sport and the underwear fitting room lady at K-mart when I asked them respectively whether ‘these shoes would do the job for like, going on a treadmill, or whatever that Ab Swing thing they always promo on The Bold and the Beautiful is?’ and ‘do these sports bras not come in a padded variety, with maybe some push-up action?’ In short, my dedication to the Sporty Spice lifestyle had not got off to an auspicious start. But I knew I was ready. I was going to have abs of steel, biceps the size of large peaches, and that determined squint-eye face favoured by athletes on Nutri-Grain adverts. Mostly, I just wanted to stop

Listening to miscellaneous engineering student #5173 with the sweatband and the pub crawl tee circa 2009 grunting and moaning because he ‘even lifts bro’ is enough to put anyone off their warm-up stretches, which are unpleasant enough as it is. I don’t go all glow-y and radiant when using the treadmill, I just go puce and rasping and foul-tempered. But I am catching more trains, and getting a bit less puffed. I’ve graduated from having the muscle tone of an eleven year old boy to at least a fifteen year old. And if I get there before 10.30am, Seventh Heaven and Excused is on in the ladies’ gym – you can’t say fairer than that. Well played, exercise, well played. Alice Bitmead is taller than the average bear.

POLTICAL NONSENSE ANTHONY NOCERA HAS BIGGER PROBLEMS TO DEAL WITH

Kevin Rudd is on the television spouting some nonsense about how Tony Abbott is a coward, despite the fact that Kevin hasn’t announced an election date or a formal debate. Tony Abbott is also spewing nonsense about Kevin Rudd spewing nonsense. But I can’t think about that right now. My mood is grim, I’ve been at work all night. Dinner is cold and will only worsen upon re-heating, and my parents have eaten the last of the ‘Jumbo Share Pack’ of Malteasers. I’m not happy about it. My parents have just come back from China: their first overseas holiday without children since their honeymoon. I’d be happy for them (I was, up until this point) if they hadn’t come back with this whole ‘let’s spend the kids’ inheritance’ approach to parenting/ homemaking/ life. It’s not that I’m even interested in my inheritance or any inheritance. I just really wanted some fucking Malteasers. That empty bag in the bin reeks of their newfound independence and zest for life.

My bare hand. I felt the unexpected warmth of the coin, the stickiness as it slid across my hand. My entire body twisted in on itself, I felt bile rise in my quivering chest. I just stared at her, spluttering (though, not spitting). She looked at me like I was weird, tilting her head as if to say, ‘hurry up, I have somewhere to be’. Where she could possibly be going, I’ll never know. Hopefully she wasn’t going to work at a fucking bank because I don’t think I could handle that. I said goodbye. I didn’t wish her a good night. I cleaned the coin and put it in the drawer. Maybe I was being Punk’d. But there weren’t any cameras. I immediately cursed Ashton Kutcher, because I felt someone should be cosmically responsible for the fact that I’d been spat on. What stumped me most was the fact that she kept the change in her mouth in spite of the fact that she had a changecompartment in her purse, which, now that I think of it, is probably where she spat her gum when she was done with it. I set about frantically sanitising and washing my hands for the rest of my shift. She knew what her purse was for, right?

It irks me. But my mood is not unjustified, and chocolate really is the only thing that can make me feel better about what happened tonight at work. It was a relatively normal night on checkout. But then something happened. Something that I’ll never forget, and that (without Malteasers) I don’t think I’ll be able to get over for a long time. A small little Indian lady walked up to my register. I greeted her, ‘Hi, how are you?’ She smiled at me, and bowed her head slightly, but she didn’t say anything. I didn’t think anything of it. Maybe she didn’t speak English? I got a smile, I was content with that. Plus her cheeks looked a bit swollen… maybe she’d had some dental work done? There was a dentist in the shopping centre, after all. I scanned her things, packed her bag and said ‘That’ll be thirty-two dollars.’ The woman smiled again and gave me thirty dollars, a twenty and a ten, from her purse. Then she opened her mouth and pulled a two dollar coin out and gave it to me. Her cheeks immediately deflated. She put it in my hand.

So there are no Malteasers, no more hand sanitiser in my house (two bottles is enough, right?) and a complete lack of logic and sense in my world right now. I’m looking at Kevin Rudd’s smug face and Tony Abbott’s stupid one. I’m thinking about their saliva, their mouths and the millions of microscopic bacteria swirling about inside of them. I google, ‘can you die from getting spit on your hand?’ I can’t think about politics. I have real problems to deal with. All of Anthony Nocera’s favourite T.V shows have ended for the year. He currently has nothing to live for.

I AM TWENTY GOING ON TWENTY ONE BEN DROGEMULLER HITS THE BIG TWO ONE

This August, I cross that threshold that many a young adult eagerly awaits, and with the promise of a bar tab, their friends await even more. I’m turning 21. Externally, I debate with friends what theme the party should be (failed suggestions include ‘Red Wedding’ or ‘In The Navy.’ I think I need new friends). Internally, my thoughts have been far from frivolous. I’m pretty happy with the direction my life seems to have followed so far; I’m struggling through the final year of my architecture degree, I’ve got plenty of great friends, a solid job and a rather handsome boyfriend of nearly half a year. All of these constitute the hallmark of what I previously considered a ‘fulfilled’ life, yet I find myself constantly wondering where I’m to go next. What the next step in my life is to be. So far I’d just assumed things would happen naturally, but I’ve come to realise that things aren’t that easy, nor should they be. As my degree draws to a close, and the prospect of life as an adult draws ever closer, I wonder: since my 18th birthday and high school graduation, do I feel as if I’ve progressed anywhere? Mind you there are noticeable differences. I can no longer down a bottle of Jagermeister like it’s tap water, it’s a lot harder to work off that extra packet of Tim Tams, and I’m now able to look upon the previous fashion choices as if they were the flat earth theory. As a newly minted freshman I entered my bachelor degree with every intention of blitzing through the fiveyear graduate program and emerging from the tertiary education tunnel wide eyed and blinking, with a degree in one hand and a job in the other. Yet here I am at the end of my third year and I can’t wait to get the heck out of here. I’m suddenly spending a lot of time rethinking what constitutes success as an adult. I’m having a hell of a time pondering whether becoming a fully-fledged adult means I need to rethink my goals and aims. I’m not at a knife’s edge so much as several, and I cannot decide which one to stay on. I’m really not very far down my ‘before I’m 30’ list, and with this newfound desire to make a career path shift, it’s looking more and more likely that this list will turn into the Bucket variety. In a time when marriage and settling down rarely happen before 25, if not 30, the cultural paradigm of school-uni-marriage-kids has more

or less gone out the window, so the young adults of the last few decades have more or less been making it up as we go along. Sadly, the more popular role models for this stage in our lives have been restricted to living in our TV screens, and spending an inordinate amount of time at coffee shops or discussing whether their gal pal should screw Mr Small or Mr Big that night. So I’ve spent time dwelling and stressing over the complete terror that instils in me, but generally, there’s also the sense of pride in knowing that my life really is my own. It’s mine to grow or conversely screw up as I choose. Growing older, each major decision regarding education, career and relationships seem to hold much more gravity then they used to, and this is equally enthralling. In discussion with several of my friends, I’ve gotten the impression that we’re all keen on skipping ahead to having a full time job, and proper grown-up-peopleskills. We want to have a confidence in ourselves and our own decisions, yet there seems to be this discrepancy between what we want and the true reality. The delusion of privilege that gen Y is apparently suffering from isn’t completely founded, nor is it entirely untrue. I think that every generation struggles to find their own way and make their own mark in our world. So here I stand, a student at the edge of my future, waiting for an excuse to get it started. I need to stop waiting for someone to tell me what to do and figure it out for myself. Taking the first steps from your parent’s house may be scary, difficult and exhausting, but they’re necessary and important as part of the process. I’m going to figure it out somehow, in my own way and eventually, in my own time. There is no set plan or path, nor are there any rules one must stick to, to achieve fulfilment. I can only hope that these things will come to me in their own time as the next few years progress. Wish me luck, I’ve got a party to plan. As my gal Meryl says, I think I’ll buy the flowers myself.

Ben Drogemuller is a third year Architecture student who enjoys Britpop, buying expensive pencils and lamenting that The OC didn’t kill Marissa off earlier then they did

PROCESS THIS

On July 19, Prime Minister Kevin Rudd announced a new policy and agreement for the processing of asylum seekers arriving in Australia by boat. It will see all asylum seekers arriving in Australia by boat sent to Papua New Guinea for assessment. If they are found to be refugees, they will then be resettled there. Refugee advocates were outraged, and snap rallies were organised in capital cities to protest the policy. Between four and five hundred protesters marched in Adelaide on July 21. The local political situation has led to this policy being enacted by our government. We do not want to talk politics. We want to talk about the vulnerable people at the centre of

the issue. These are people fleeing war, famine and persecution in their homelands, searching desperately for a safe place to call home. It is deeply unfair to send refugees fleeing persecution to a country that has serious levels of crime, disease and corruption, and where homosexuality is criminalised. This is a simplified treatment of the issues certainly, but really, thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s beside the point. It hardly seems that they are being sent to a place that they can feel safe. On the next two pages we hear the stories of asylum seekers currently in detention. We publish just three in this edition of On Dit. There are many many more where they came from. Asylum seekers are real people, looking for help. Can we all try and remember that from now on? Casey Briggs

LETTERS FROM DETENTION 22

I am a 33 years old Iranian woman and I have two sons. Since I was a child I haven’t been happy or seen many good days. When I was 11 months old I lost my parents in an air crash that was caused by striking airport personnel, resulting in a lack of safety. Since then I have had a bad life. In Iran when you become an orphan girl they give you to relatives to bring you up. I was bought up by my grandmother. I had no connection with her. Her beliefs and culture were not what I desired. I grew up like this till I was 15, facing hardship and loneliness. I was forced to marry someone within my family, despite the fact we didn’t have any love or attraction. We both tried hard to start our new life. I was studying and also working. I did the household chores as well and looked after our two children. Due to injustice and cruel, unfair treatment my husband had to flee the country fearing for his life, leaving me alone with two children. In that one night our whole life changed and we lost everything. All of our dreams were dashed. Knowing what it was like to be bought up without parents I didn’t want my children to experience this or grow up without a father. After one month I reunited with my husband in Indonesia. We had a very tough trip to Christmas Island and I spent three months in the Camp there. After this time they sent us to Manus Island, PNG. I am very ill, suffering from diabetes and cholesterol related disease.

WORDS: ASYLUM SEEKERS IN DETENTION ON MANUS ISLAND AND IN MAINLAND AUSTRALIA

I am not a weak person, and despite all the illnesses I have, I am still fighting. My only concern is the welfare of my children. My oldest son has no desire to live currently. He has severe depression. My younger son is not able to attend school because of the very hot and primitive conditions in the classroom. Despite the fact I have never experienced the love of a mother, I am trying to be a loving mother to my children. I am very upset and depressed and cannot stand seeing them depressed and suffering. As a mother I feel powerless to do anything for them in this place. As a woman and mother I ask you to help me please.

In the name of God. We are very happy to see you all out side the camp for human rights. We prey no human see again and live again inside the camp. Because detention is very painfall. Sir Leonora camp now have pregnent women, 30 under age children 4-8 years old inside. Lot of problam and tention. Some people ask the DIAC, I can’t stay no more in detention. Please bring my answer. DIAC answer her go back your country. All people have problem at own country, we cross the Indian ocien for peace not for return back. If some people complain about mental health madical said close your eys and thinking your good time. The DIAC rejected the people after 10 months why? The answer is now in Afghanistan complete peace. If in Afghanistan peace why NATO work there? anyway they don’t like asylum seekers. Please inform all Australian out our situation, we know all australian people don’t hate us like DIAC and Serco. Australia have people who love us who understand my problem.

KICK START IT Across the globe, people are talking about recent large-scale Kickstarter campaigns from Veronica Mars creator Rob Thomas and comedian Zach Braff.

Kickstarter fosters support for independent business people around the world, from photographers mounting their first exhibition to designers seeking funding for their latest tech gadget. Many indie filmmakers utilise the crowd-funding site, with over 27 thousand projects created since the site launched in 2009, including short and full-length features across varying genres. There is one caveat to this online bohemia: only 40 per cent of film and video projects are successfully funded, and competition is fierce.

THE CAMPAIGNS

Rob Thomas pitched a Veronica Mars film to Warner Bros. soon after the series was cancelled in 2007. ‘I probably stoked fan fervor in my optimistic comments about the prospects,’ Thomas admits. Though initially showing interest, Warner Bros. killed the project before it got off the ground.

25 WORDS: NICOLA DOWLAND ART: MADELEINE KARUTZ

Enter Kickstarter. Thomas sought Warner Bros’ consent (or as he writes ‘blessing and cooperation’) before launching his Kickstarter campaign. He also gained support from the original cast and crew, including star Kristen Bell. Thanks in no small part to Bell’s personal involvement with the campaign and the constant rumours of a Veronica Mars film among fans, the project reached its unprecedented goal of two million dollars within two days of its launch. Soon after Thomas’ success, Zach Braff launched his own campaign to fund his upcoming film Wish I Was Here, described as a thematic sequel to Garden State, his highly praised directorial debut. He could have secured funding through studios (or ‘money people’ as Braff calls them), though not without significant creative sacrifices. Casting, story and editing decisions would be made by the studios, not writer and director Braff. He explains: ‘After I saw how the amazing Veronica Mars fans rallied around that project in a mind blowing way, I couldn’t help but think… maybe this could be a new paradigm for filmmakers who wanna make smaller, personal films without having to sign away any of their artistic freedom.’

Wish I Was Here has gained recognition, not only from Braff’s extensive fan base but also from Hollywood glitterati. Renowned stars have joined the project including Mandy Patinkin, Kate Hudson, Ashley Greene, Jim Parsons, and veteran costume designer Betsy Heimann (known for Pulp Fiction and Almost Famous). In thanks, Braff offers his fans regular updates during production, a birds-eye view of the movie making process, and a myriad of other rewards. Throughout the campaigns, Thomas and Braff welcomed suggestions and questions from backers. A dialogue between backers and creators arose on the comments section of the Kickstarter pages, with 20 thousand comments made on the Veronica Mars project alone. Backers also utilised this page to promote other (smaller scale) Kickstarter campaigns. Braff organised additional screenings of Wish I Was Here across the globe and initiated a fan art contest in response to backer demands.

THE CONTROVERSY

Despite resounding support from fans and the crowd-funding site itself, Thomas and Braff have been labelled ‘Kickstarter abusers’ by

some journalists. These outspoken writers argue that celebrities should liquidate assets in order to fund their work, or swallow their pride and sign with a studio. Further, they fear that such high profile campaigns may be dwarfing smaller, independent projects. However, many new backers were attracted to Kickstarter by Veronica Mars and Wish I Was Here and have since gone onto fund more projects, pledging over four hundred thousand dollars towards 2,200 projects.

THE LIMITS

This method of funding is not viable for larger budget action flicks, nor for films from aspiring unknown talent. Both projects have a dedicated fan base and creators who praise them. Braff is known for his close relationship with fans, regularly interacting with them via Twitter and Reddit. ‘I genuinely like them! I think some people do it because they have to, because it’s a part of the job, but I genuinely like the discourse,’ Braff explains. His fans were ready to accept and support his Kickstarter campaign. Film project Darcy’s Walk of Shame was similarly inspired by Veronica Mars’ success, though with one

fatal difference. The star supporter of the campaign, Melissa Joan Hart (of Sabrina the Teenage Witch infamy) has been semi-retired during the past decade as she started a family and opened a small business. Darcy was to be her comeback film, though, due to her absence from the public eye, the project was unable to muster enough funding from fans. While Darcy was a wholly new idea from an absent actress, Veronica Mars and Zach Braff fans have been anticipating their films for years. With cast and crew all working for scaled salary, both projects could be described as a labor of love for creators and backers alike.

THE BACKERS

Many condemn these campaigns without talking to backers, the supposed victims of this ‘Kickstarter abuse’. I was able to interview several backers via the Wish I Was Here comments page. When asked why they funded the campaign, one backer replied simply: ‘Zach’s passion. Hands down. It’s evident in every update we get.’ Another wrote: ‘Because I loved Garden State and was happy to back a movie when it meant that Zach would have total creative freedom.’

One backer commented directly on crowd-funding films: ‘Great idea. Original, a slap in the face of Hollywood’s investors’ Another defended Braff’s honesty: ‘I joined this project because I wanted to. I was not duped or fooled by what Zach was saying in his introduction video. For the amount of money I paid, I felt that it represented fantastic value for money.’ YouTube journalist Joe Bereta explains, ‘The internet fosters a kind of fan that is passionate and wants to be part of something, and Kickstarter gives them a chance to do that’. This sentiment is echoed by many Wish I Was Here backers, who are excited to personally support their idol and ‘be a part of something creative’. The process is unique in that Thomas and Braff are not just selling a movie, but also inviting their fans to experience the entire production process. Regardless of rumblings from critics, it seems that all parties involved are benefiting from the arrangement thus far. Perhaps we will see the proof in theatres?

Nicola Dowland enjoys playing chasey games with her doggie and fiance. She does not think this makes her immature.

PREGNANT @UNI

WORDS: ALYONA HAINES ART: ANTHONY NOCERA Over the last semester you may have noticed a waddling blob trying to roll themselves in and out of lecture theaters while consuming copious amounts of cupcakes. That shining ray of pregnant sunshine is me, and I wanted to tell you my story while I wait here in my last few days as a pregnant uni student. The last nine and a half months have been pretty exhausting. That’s right, pregnancy lasts longer than advertised, it’s about forty weeks. I wish they’d told it to me earlier – get pregnant for 9 months and your 10th is free! Those bastards. Ten months without sushi, sliced ham, blue cheese, smoked salmon, and pretty much every single other food I love. Oh and the wine, can’t have that! Or any other form of delicious delicious alcohol which is what usually gets us ladies in this ‘situation’ in the first place. Jokes aside though, this was a planned baby. I’ve been happily married for two and a half years. My husband and I met at this

university five years ago, when our degrees overlapped. He was doing engineering and science, and I was doing straight science.

being denied rental properties simply because you’re a student. Add ridiculously high bills to that, and you’re gonna have a bad time.

A lot of things changed since then – he graduated and is now a qualified engineer, while I’ve changed degrees and did International Studies instead. Politics and Ethics are my majors - rather incompatible concepts you’d think, but even in academia sometimes opposites attract.

Things get better though. Uni eventually ends and everything falls into place. It’s amazing how much better people treat you when you are a ‘responsible tax paying citizen’.

We’ve had our fair share of difficulties over the last five years. Being a student is not easy, especially when you don’t live with your family. Working shitty retail jobs, barely scraping by on pathetic Centrelink payments, spending hours in traffic on buses which are never on time,

Here’s what gets most people’s panties in a bunch about me – I’m twenty two. Apparently that’s somewhat shocking. How can a twenty two year old willingly choose to have a child? But the reality of being the person you want to be is that you will never ever make everyone around you happy. People are comparative by nature, we define ourselves by highlighting the difference between

28 our views and the views of others. Unless everyone has the same idea about what the meaning of life is, then we just have to accept that we will always be judged no matter what the current social standard dictates. And in this day and age, unfortunately for me, the social standard is to have children later in life and focus on a career. The thing about careers though – you can have them in conjunction with having a family. Whoever thought that you have to choose one obviously had no idea of women’s capabilities. My grandmother finished a law degree while she had my mum, my mother had me half way through her university studies and finished a PhD while raising me. They were both in their early twenties. They must have lived during a good time and had a lot of opportunities, you say! Wrong. They lived in post war Soviet Russia. My mum had me during the collapse of the Soviet Union in 1991. I can’t compete with that, but it gives me confidence that I’ve made the right choice, that I didn’t have to put my life on hold. As far as actual university experience while being pregnant goes – it was no different than you’d usually expect. Apart from horrible back ache from those awful lecture theatre chairs, everything was pretty smooth. The lecturers and tutors were understanding and kind. My fellow students, while clearly rather curious as to whether I was fat or pregnant, didn’t treat me any differently, which I greatly appreciate.

In my first trimester I was overloading by a subject at uni and doing a TAFE course (because hey, it was free and free education is hard to come by these days). In my second trimester I did summer school and worked part time in an office. In my third trimester I did full time loading at uni, while still working. Oh, and I also got my driver’s license somewhere in between. So being pregnant didn’t render me incapable. If anything, it gave me motivation to try my hardest. And now that my degree is complete, I can honestly say I’m pretty chuffed. So, boys and girls, if you ever consider having babies earlier than what the current social trends dictate, remember me. What people think is the ‘right’ way to live is only a matter of perception.

Perceptions change, your life choices do not. Whatever it is that you want to do in your life, do it and see where it takes you. If you listen to everything everyone has to say, you will never live the life you want. Now if you excuse me, I have to go pee for the 100th time today, which means I have to call my poor hubby to get my our of this chair because by 9 months you can’t really do that by yourself. Thank the gods that uni is over... You know it’s time to throw in the towel when it takes you half an hour to put on your own underwear!

ART: SPARK SANDERS

WORDS AND ART: KELLY ARTHUR-SMITH Recently, a seriously awesome catalyst occurred that unleashed a love that I have denied myself for most of my life, and the subject of this love is awesome enough that I just know other people will find it interesting. This particular passion of mine, which has been called a fetish by some, weird by many, disgusting by lots, and amazing by an equally amazing few, was released to rampage freely when I went to see a certain band perform at Jive… BEARDS: THEY ARE THE BEST FUCKING THINGS EVER. I have thought as such for a very long time, and knew of the aims of the band The Beards for an almost equally long time. I didn’t want to allow myself to listen to any of their songs in their entirety (I did however, like the majority of self-respecting Radelaideans, know the chorus to ‘If Your Dad Doesn’t Have A Beard, You’ve Got Two Mums’) because I was afraid. Afraid of not being able to cope with the awesomeness that radiates from these bearded gods and afraid of how amazing my life would become if I let my beard love flow

freely. Then, thanks to my best friend’s birthday, the opportunity arose to go and see these amazing gentlemen live. If you’ve not seen/heard anything by The Beards PUT THIS MAGAZINE DOWN RIGHT NOW AND DO IT. Welcome back. I hope ‘You Should Consider Having Sex With a Bearded Man’ made it into your ears, and that if you can grow a beard, you are doing so right now (which, technically, you are. Unless you’re reading this whilst shaving. In which case, put the razor down and back away slowly). My life has increased dramatically in quality since giving myself over to my love of beards. At a party I went to recently, I found the one man there with a beard and had a wonderful conversation with him. The bearded man was impressed by my knowledge of beards, especially considering I cannot, unfortunately, grow one. I also found some beardless people and espoused the values of beards to them. I think they were a bit sick of me by the end of the night. A friend (who has a truly magnificent beard) recently told me that people place him in one of two categories when they see his beard: 1) What a hipster! or 2) What a pedo! I then immediately pointed out a third

category: women who see his beard and think DAY-UM! There aren’t enough of us, I’ve found, and a lot of the women I’ve spoken to about beards have responded with revulsion, or a sheer abundance of confusion at how SEXY I think beards are. I catch the train to and from work, and I’ve noticed that when there are a limited number of seats, a lot of people (and a majority of women, in my personal experience) will not sit near men with beards. I happily sit near them, and smile when they look up, amazed that they have found someone who doesn’t judge them for their facial hair. Though, I suppose, I am judging them. Judging them to be awesome for having a beard. And yes, I know, there are some notvery-nice people with beards, but there are plenty of not-very-nice people without beards too! I suppose here I’m supposed to wrap up this piece with a moral, or a thought provoking question. I’ll have a bash. Moral: if you can, GROW A BEARD. If you can’t, high-five/befriend/makeout-with/bang someone who does have a beard. Thought provoking question: Why don’t you have a beard/why don’t you think beards are sexy? Think about it. Seriously. BEARDS!

WORDS: RHIA RAINBOW I’m sorry hipster boys. I love your music, I love your knit caps, and I love all the independent, micro-brew cider you ply. But I cannot stand your beards. And not just hipsters (do they really even exist anymore anyway?). Anyone who wakes up in the morning and thinks ‘you know what looks great? Tiny sharp hairs pointing out of my face’. I don’t like you. Well, I may like you, but I sure as hell do not like your facial hair. See, apparently there’s this whole idea that beards equal manliness, that a man’s masculinity can be judged by how many itchy, pointy hairs he can shove out of his face. Because everyone knows that women are beating down the doors of lumberjacks and hermits.1 Of course, the more facial hair a man has the more testosterone he has and therefore the more (hormonally) ‘masculine’ he might be blah blah blah, but at the end of the day all of the masculinity can’t cover up one simple fact: beards are gross. Really, really 1 If you’re a woman who loves lumberjacks and hermits, more power to you, but it’s kind of weird.

gross. I don’t care if you’re a folkhipster hero or a trucker on a long haul drive or just a guy who hates shaving, your beard is painful. You know why men in the old days all had beards? Because shaving was hard and annoying and used terrifying straight-edge razors that could cut your face off. That’s okay, that’s an acceptable reason to not shave your face. Women weren’t expected to shave their legs either, so everyone was hairy and it was okay. But that’s changed. Today, men’s razors are safer and easier to use, and there are lots of lovely shaving creams and foams and aftershaves that make your skin all soft and nice-smelling. Oh, and I’m sitting here with chunks taken out of my calves because I’ve had to shave my legs since I was 13 and I’m still not good at it. So if I’m suffering blood loss in the shower so I don’t feel like a Sasquatch (I know, I know, I’m the world’s worst feminist, but I’m also filled with insecurities) then could you pretty please thin out the scruffy face-hair? But I’d like to point out here that I’m not going all Margaret Thatcher on anyone. Just because a guy has a beard doesn’t mean he’s untrustworthy or scary or probably a serial killer (although, Charles Manson had a beard...

COINCIDENCE?). Men with beards aren’t necessarily evil, but hot damn, the gross scratchy rash you get from kissing men with beards is probably the work of the devil. It’s itchy and scratchy and hurts and makes you look like a weird clown with flakey skin. Call me vain, but I’d rather look like a sad Courtney Love clown after I finish a good old fashioned make out session. I have to say, there is one exception to this rule: if you can grow a full on, proper bushy beard of Lord Of The Rings dwarf proportions, then you have my respect. That shit takes dedication, and not a whole lot of men can do it. But if you’re not capable of sprouting a magnificent wizard beard, if all you’re getting is patchy pubertybeard hair or a weird little moustache or – god forbid – a goatee, then please, my good man, reach for the Gilette. I’ll even point you to some nice shaving creams. Ones with aloe and neroli. You will smell delicious. So kids, go ahead and shave off your itchy stubble, your patchy beards, and your sad little moustaches – they’re a disgrace to real beards, a disgrace to your face, and they’re maybe even the reason the cute girl in your History tute won’t go out with you. Do you need any more incentive than that?

PORTUGAL WORDS AND PHOTOGRAPHY: LAUREN TROPEANO

Stop and listen now. Listen to the singing of the fishermen on the bare jutting rock of Praia das Maças, crouched between the two great blues of sea and sky. If I could sing it or play it to you I would, but I cannot, so this

will have to do. The scene: a grey dirt path, winding, the parting sun stippling the uneven ground as I walk, face tipped to the sky. The water far below plummets and plays, echoing the deep somber tones of waiting men. Clouds gather, low and dark, and wind begins its mutter, joining the afternoon orchestra of man and sea. The sound, a slow paced melody, swells,

pure notes gaining in volume and scattering as the pink dusk meets its twilight end. I’m an hour from Sintra, where the Atlantic waves break and tickle the westernmost coastline of continental Europe. My swim was fleeting under a timid sun; the wind’s caress makes salt freckles dance across my white winter skin. I left Germany seven mornings ago in a duffle

coat and met the sleeping face of Porto just after dawn. Warmth invited open windows, and tourists stumbled out onto the cobbled streets of the city, which has hugged the hilly banks of the Duoro River for more than two thousand years.

painted an ice-cream palette of lemon yellow, peach pink and lime green. There hadn’t been many English books in Livraria Lello & Irmão, but I had pulled the perfect title from a brief stack behind the famous red coiled staircase.

Near Praça da Ribeira, rabelos swayed on the water’s edge and I sat to read on steps beneath a row of crumbling houses,

When, later, night coloured the sky black, I boarded a train towards the capital and didn’t sleep, turning instead the final pages of Pascal Mercier’s ‘Night Train to Lisbon.’ Language, when foreign, can sound so unreal. For the first time, ‘obrigada’ hit my lips before ‘thank you’ as I downed my first bica in a bar guarded by flowerpots. Old women of the Alfama district shuffled from older doorways, leaving their freshly pegged washing to dry on third floor wrought-

iron balconies. The ninety year-old rattle of Tram 28 followed me to the top of one of Lisbon’s seven hills and the sun burnished red-tile roofs below the ramparts of Castelo de São Jorge. Fado’s melancholic sound hovered above the city and fishing boats, small as toys, ambled up the broad Rio Tejo. At Belém, where the river meets the sea, Portuguese caravels once set out to chart the unknown: Ferdinand Magellan to circumnavigate the globe, Vasgo da Gama to India and Bartolomeu Dias to round the Cape of Good Hope. In the gift shop near the five hundred yearold Torre de Belém, Vasco da Gama was a refrigerator magnet. Ferdinand Magellan was a coffee mug. I left with Bartolomeu Dias, an empty notebook, and took him out to a dinner of grilled sardines. As my sandy hands now rummage for the brown paper broa bag – the perfect crumbling yellow travel companion, I am aware of the sweetness in the air, the sound of water retreating on the shore and the way the paper of Bartolomeu Dias rustles at a slightly lower pitch than the leaves of the short trees. Before me, men and women stroll unselfconsciously in that perilously bronzed European way. I may have waited until now to venture onto Portuguese soil, but anyone with a travel ache would be urged not to make the same mistake. A run of days, too short in number, was all I needed to fall thoroughly and helplessly in love with this country. Gift me a lifetime supply of Pastéis de Belém and I will be thoroughly and helplessly in love with you too.

THE DO-NOTHING REFERENDUM 36

The upcoming local government referendum hasn’t received too much press: it’s not particularly eye-catching. It seems rather staid, dull – constitutional law, after all – and not likely to rouse great passion. The referendum aims to entrench the legality of the Commonwealth directly funding local governments. To do this, the amendment needs to get a ‘double majority’ – an overall majority of citizens voting yes, as well as majorities in at least four States. All the referendum asks us is to add seventeen words to section 96 of the Constitution: to allow the federal government to provide conditional grants directly to local government, without needing to deal with the States. This is not really the same thing as constitutional recognition of local government, which is how it’s being touted. The referendum won’t, for instance, guarantee the continuing existence of local

government, or the manner in which local government is conducted. The change is a procedural tool to ensure money can pass straight from Canberra to your local council (the City of West Torrens, etc.), without having to go through the state government. As things stand, due to a recent High Court case, there’s some question about whether that’s actually legal. To be clear: the Commonwealth already does this, on a regular basis, but its constitutional grounds for doing so are now suspect. If this amendment passes, that doubt will disappear. Let’s be honest: the referendum isn’t all that significant, in and of itself. It’s not really objectionable, because it will do very little, and it isn’t very noteworthy, because it probably won’t pass. Governments have tried in the past to get this through – twice – and it didn’t work then. The voters, it seems, have little interest in changing the Constitution simply to institute political fixes. It’s not just the question of local government which fails to motivate the electorate, of course.

Of the 44 referenda since Federation, only eight have passed. Almost invariably, the failed proposals were attempts to centralise powers in the Commonwealth. What is noteworthy is ‘the elephant in the room’: Australia’s vertical fiscal imbalance. The Commonwealth currently receives approximately two-thirds of all government revenue, despite providing only around one-third of government services. Meanwhile, the States tend to rely on federal funds for upwards of 50 percent of their operating budget – a budget responsible for the vast majority of services, including health and education. This, of course, explains why we are faced with a situation where local government funding by the Commonwealth is so necessary. The feds have all the money. Centralisation of revenue, of course, has implications for policy. The Commonwealth doesn’t shy away from attaching conditions to the money it doles

WORDS: ALISTAIR SAGE ART: DAISY FREEBURN out to the lesser players in the Australian federation. This is never seen as problematic by the federal government of the day, no matter its political persuasion. But it surely reveals a substantial, systematic deficit in Australian democracy. The voters elect a state government, with a mandate to implement policies in the sphere of state responsibility. Likewise, the voters elect a federal government, which has a mandate in federal affairs. Once the latter starts to impose policy constraints on the former, a spectre of illegitimacy emerges. The whole virtue of the federal model is its commitment to a division of powers. As James Madison said in The Federalist Papers, federal governments are uniquely apt to ‘pursue great and national objects’, while their state and local counterparts are better suited to dealing with ‘local and particular’ circumstance. Beyond that, the more worrying take-away is the sheer extent of centralisation of government in Australia, and what that says about our commitment to participation.

All of Australia’s non-federal governments (state, territory and local) have less responsibility than those in the other commonlaw federations, Canada and the United States. Our councils are well-known for setting unpopular parking regulations and handling garbage collection; hardly the hallmarks of power and authority. By contrast, American and Canadian city councils organise their emergency services, direct police departments and run a bevy of community and social services. This isn’t to say that untrammelled localism doesn’t have problems of its own, but rather to show the civic disengagement of the Australian electorate. Strong, contested and empowered local government points to a culture of participation. The lack of it indicates the contrary. The referendum is significant because it represents the bipartisan preference for greater centralisation at the expense of participation and local input. The only ‘local input’ this referendum entrenches is the right of councils to be directly subject to Canberra’s funding conditions and priorities. We should all realise that functioning local and regional governments, with a real measure

of policy autonomy, are essential to genuine democracy. Put it this way: would anyone consider it constructive, or really viable, to abolish both States and councils and give political authority to the Commonwealth alone? Despite this, Canberra’s financial clout gives it de facto policymaking supremacy. Is this really a balance of power that we’re happy with? This proposed constitutional amendment is more notable for what it stands for than what it actually does – Canberra’s craving for uncontested authority. History, however, shows that the people resent attempts to alter the make-up of the Constitution without good cause. Perhaps, rather than dismantling our Constitution’s checks and balances, politicians should submit something to the people worthy of their consideration – something which reflects the progress we’ve made and our aspirations for the future. The long overdue recognition of our Indigenous peoples is an imperative of just this sort. Alistair Sage is an impending law graduate in the mold of Lionel Hutz. His hardest decision in recent weeks has been whether to watch the Ashes or le Tour.

POLITICAL LESSONS 38 FROM THE BARD WORDS: EMILY PALMER ART: JACK LOWE I am embarrassed to confess that I know next to nothing about politics. I can even take courses in the subject for my degree, but for the last three semesters I have clung onto ignorance and not enrolled, telling myself that I can always do it next semester. Suddenly, the federal election is coming up, and I still don’t have a clue about what I should be looking for in my next political leader. It’s becoming close to painful, as my other friends reel off the pros and cons of each candidate. As an English major, however, there is one thing I know a bit about. Shakespeare. And in case you haven’t noticed, Shakespeare has some interesting political messages.

HAMLET

The poor Old King Hamlet was murdered by his brother, Claudius, who promptly stole his throne and his wife. This doesn’t seem very sporting to me but hey, it’s Denmark. Surely no one in Australia would backstab their leader and take their position. No. Definitely not. Claudius gets his come-uppance though, after quite a bit of procrastination and several longwinded monologues from the young Prince Hamlet. In the same situation, I would have been rewatching Game of Thrones while pretending to work out how to revenge my father. In classic Shakespearean style, the closing scene incorporates poisoned wine, a sword fight, multiple drawnout deaths and…a political take over. Vote for Fortinbras.

KING LEAR

King Lear learns the hard way that flattery is not everything. Two of his three daughters are persuasive

speakers who easily convince him that they love him the best, thus winning the larger shares of his kingdom. Cordelia, the honest sister, has not got the gift of the gab; she speaks the truth and is thus disinherited for her bluntness. After giving away the power of the kingdom, Lear finds that the declarations of love from his two daughters were false. They are all talk and no follow through; their claims are empty and come to naught. The misled king falls into madness. In the end, all three sisters and Lear die. I guess no one wins in this power struggle, no matter if they were truthful or not.

MACBETH

Again, Macbeth deals with the betrayal and murder of a king. The character to blame here is Lady Macbeth, who shows the downfall of ambition. Macbeth is the victim of her manipulation, and of the suggestions of the Three Witches regarding his right to rule. He is weak willed and controllable – not exactly the best traits in a leader.

To cover up the murder of the king, Macbeth basically kills anyone who suspects him. To me, this seems like a major flaw in a political campaign. Seriously, murder is not the answer. Perhaps you should have taken over peacefully, by having better policies? Promise improvements to education and health, maybe? Macbeth is brought down by a tiny loophole: the witches tell him he cannot be killed by anyone ‘born of a woman’. Foolishly, he thinks this means he is invincible but according to Shakespeare, a caesarean does not count as being ‘born’. Unlucky for you, mate.

OTHELLO

In my mind, chauvinists have no place in politics. Seriously, it’s the 21st century and I may be naïve in saying so, but women should be considered and treated equally by now. This wasn’t true, however, in Shakespeare’s time. Othello proves this without a doubt. Women are seriously misused throughout this play.

Emilia, whose husband Iago believes her guilty of adultery (without proof), is tricked into indirectly helping him manipulate Othello and thus cause Desdemona’s death. She eventually exposes him, and is punished (surprise, surprise) by being stabbed. Onto Othello himself: I don’t know about you, but I associate ‘famous general’ with rationality, poise and control. I also picture a game of battleships. Yet Othello makes a questionable choice in promoting inexperienced Cassio above Iago, who possesses masterful people skills and planning abilities. He could have saved himself a world of trouble, as everything goes downhill after that. His logic evaporates; instead he emerges as a jealous, suspicious man, easily led by clever Iago. This ultimately results in him smothering his entirely innocent wife and then committing suicide when he realises her aforementioned innocence.

At least he knows when he’s in the wrong, always a good trait in a leader. So the poor women are merely pawns in the political power play; the men the brutal aggressors. The message here is be careful when you drop your handkerchiefs – you never know when they might fall into the wrong hands and get you viciously murdered. Hopefully this election there will be no murders or invasions from other countries (New Zealand, I’m watching you), but there are a few things you could learn from these plays. Look beyond the flattery, and see if policies have solid foundations. Back stabbing is so not cool, and ambition really isn’t everything if you don’t have the ability to lead.

Emily Palmer is an English major with a compulsive book hoarding disorder, who makes a habit of falling up the stairs after a night out

STUCK IN THE MIDDLE

WORDS: PAIGE KERIN ART: MICHELLE BAGSTER I’m not one to dwell on the past, but I think the experience of one’s parents calling it quits is something you can never forget, mainly because it never stops affecting you. I’ll preface by saying I’m not one of those people who no longer believes in marriage and thinks that it’s pointless, or is emotionally stunted in any way. Quite the opposite in fact – I have a normal relationship, and I definitely plan on getting married. But I understand that for many children of divorce, the inability to marry/ have a meaningful relationship may seem like a genetic disorder. My experience began when I was 10, so I’ve lived the half of my life that I remember house hopping. Like anyone whose parents separated young, I don’t remember fine details or exactly how it emotionally affected me at the time. I only know that I didn’t really understand, that there was crying, and that Dad got a new house. When you’re young, of course you don’t understand the gravity of the situation – all of that fun is yet to come. Dealing with it yourself is bad enough. I can tell you a 10 year old doesn’t understand divorce just as much as a 15 year old doesn’t. Amidst the on goings of life there’s tears, confusion, sleepless nights, guilt, serious consideration of calling the kids help line and so on.

But it gets better, you get used to it, and it becomes life. Everyone knows to ask ‘which house?’ when you invite them over. You get good at the routine politeness towards new ‘visitors’, and most of all you know how to use this situation to your advantage. Despite the commonly portrayed notion in movies, I didn’t, and still don’t, get two Christmases or two Birthdays. I don’t know who thought that would happen; it only got my hopes up. You get the same amount of presents, and it’s actually more of an advantage for the parents because they each only have to buy half of them. One technique I was particularly good at was the homework excuse. Now, normally ‘I did my homework but I left it at home’ does not remotely fly with any teacher. However, ‘I did my homework but it’s at my mum’s house and I went back to my dad’s house last night’ says ‘I live in struggle town and my parents are putting me through the emotional repercussions of their separation’. It worked when I was 10 years old, and it still worked for very desperate situations in year 11. I know that’s horrible, but I see it as me making lemonade after life delivered me a truckload of lemons. Like many Children of Divorce, I’ve acted as messenger and mediator 78 too many times, which in my opinion is beyond unfair to do to a 14 year old who is only just discovering themselves, let alone the complexities of divorce.

I believe I’m all the better for what I went through, but the bad times were bad. I’m sure many people (mainly single parents) would disagree, but I am of the strong opinion that divorce is far more difficult for the kids than the parents. If you divorce your husband/wife, you go through hell but you come out of it and have the opportunity to move on, re-marry, even completely forget about it if you’d like to. But I can never escape having divorced parents. I will for the rest of my life have to divide holidays and various events in two, make awkward conversation at events at which both parents attend (graduations, birthday parties etc.) and listen to one parent talk about the other as if I don’t actually have half of their DNA in of me. I know that if I get married and it doesn’t work very well after I’ve had kids, divorce is going to be the absolute last and final resort after a lot of counselling and weird spark re-lighting techniques I will pay lots of money to undergo. Being a child of divorce sucks, but I’m all the better for it now. You appreciate ten-fold what your parents do for you, you mature a few years earlier than everyone else, and most importantly it teaches you to value the relationships you have – you’ve already seen what happens when one fails!

CLASSICS: 42

‘PICNIC AT HANGING ROCK’ BY JOAN LINDSAY

WORDS: EMMA O’CONNELL If you are a person who is easily bored, then – much like the plot of this book – don’t go anywhere. The storyline of ‘Picnic at Hanging Rock’ remains pretty true to the title. There is a picnic. It is at Hanging Rock. At the picnic, four young ladies decide to go for a nature walk, and this is where the book sheds its Jane Austen-y skin and starts to get weird. Irma, Miranda and Marion are all refined young ladies who like to swan around in white lace and do charming ladylike things like needlepoint and be the unwitting slaves of a patriarchal society. There’s also Edith, who from this point on I shall refer to as ‘other one’ because nobody likes Edith – she irritates them just by being there. Irma, Miranda, Marion and other one decide to go off on a walk, but Hanging Rock

soon begins to have a peculiar effect on them. Soon they are pulling off their corsets and stockings and shoes in a most unladylike fashion, before falling asleep in a kind of trance. They stumble up to the peak of the Rock, seemingly unable to control their impulse to get to the top. Other one, obviously the wet blanket of the group, decides she is not going to be a part of it, and stumbles down the mountain screaming. The other three girls, and also inexplicably their maths teacher who, it transpires, was dragging herself to the top of the rock in her underthings at the same time as the girls, are never seen again. This scene is gloriously creepy. You are drawn to it, just like the women were to the rock: you feel scared of the rock and yet you’re not entirely sure why. The scenes that take place at Hanging Rock are the highlight of the novel. By holding back certain details, like why the girls felt the need to remove their clothes prior to their disappearance, or what actually happens to them in the end, Joan Lindsay manages make you afraid yet uncertain as to what exactly scares you. After the disappearance, the pace of the novel slows and it was at

this point that I felt my interest waning. The disappearance is investigated, yet, after a period of ineffectual police work, the mystery is deemed unsolvable. We never find out what happens. Thrilling glimpses of Hanging Rock are diluted with details of the complex psychological breakdowns many characters experience after the traumatic event. Out of desperation I decided to think up possible endings myself, all of which I am proud to say reached soap opera amounts of crazy: the vanished women were actually nudists and wanted to be at one with their bodies and nature, however in a freak accident they tripped and fell off a cliff – other one did not want to participate in nudist activities as she had low self-esteem and felt uncomfortable with her body. However, this is very immature of me and I know I should instead appreciate the grandeur of the writing style, the quality of the prose, the clear knowledge of the human condition that went into describing aforementioned psychological breakdowns, and that there is a certain kind of beauty to unresolved endings etc. Whatever. I still want to know what happened.

REVIEWED ‘A CLOCKWORK ORANGE’ BY ANTHONY BURGESS

I actually read the book of ‘A Clockwork Orange’. No, I did not see the movie. You see, I read the book instead, because I figured that uni is the one time in your life where you can truly allow yourself to be pretentious as fuck, and I plan to take full advantage of this. Along with reading Penguin classics, I also highly recommend: drinking black coffee, listening to old French songs, and buying records even if you do not have a record player. As I struggled through the Shakespearian-seeming language with Russian-seeming words like ‘moloko’ thrown in, I began to realise ‘Oh hey, not only is reading this going to make me seem interesting and well-read, but it may make actually teach me something about the world!’ The brutal boy gangs that Anthony Burgess wrote into existence may have talked and dressed strangely but people like Alex aren’t fictional creations. They’re real people. I knew these guys at high school; they were the school dickheads.

Every school has school dickheads, they’re like village idiots, except unfortunately there is always more than one. These school dickheads would do things like deliberately getting their drunk friends to make out with overweight girls, taking photos of it on their phone and laughing at it afterwards. I’m assuming they still get up to these hijinks; off their faces, prowling the city in groups on a Saturday night and giggling hysterically when one of them does anything as obviously hilarious as I described above. Is it really that much of a stretch to imagine them getting more manipulative, even nastier, given the right social climate? Individually they might not do terrible things, but as a collective they feed off each other, each person driving the other to more extreme behaviour. A desire to assert themselves as men? Boredom? A childhood starved of genuine love and affection? I don’t know the answer to that one. But what I’ve realised is that Anthony Burgess is showing

us is that these young men could turn into monsters given the right situation, they’re not fantastical creations, they exist right here in our society, already. And who’s not to say we couldn’t turn into monsters given the right situation? Let us just sit and muse philosophically over that for a couple of minutes.

DIVERSIONS

HOROSCOPES GEMINI On your bi-annual pilgrimage to IKEA, you’ll lose yourself in a display laundry, surrounded by voracious students and couples. Remember: turn left, then two rights and another left and hide out in the children’s section until closing. CANCER You will find love on the 8.45am Outer Harbour train. Sure, they have a bung leg and smell overpoweringly of tuna, but love is blind, right?

BY CLARE VOYANT SAGITTARIUS You’ll find yourself swamped with backdated OK! Magazines whilst waiting for your free pap at the uni doctor. Don’t complain, those articles about Diana are always relevant to your life. CAPRICORN After a month spent in solitude watching the complete Are You Being Served?, the prospect of returning to uni proves too much. You decide to become an exotic dancer/retail assistant.

LEO You discover the all-you-can-eat $10 Hare Krishna vegetarian buffet, and your life is changed forever. Next time, bring cleverly concealed Tupperware.

AQUARIUS After conflict over who has been eating all your nutella comes to a head, you will begin waging a silent war against your housemate through the theft of every left sock in their laundry hamper.

VIRGO Your daring judgement call to reorder your entire book collection from alphabetization (just so mainstream) to order of objective ‘goodness’ is an inspiration to us all. Keep up the good work.

PISCES There will be no devastation felt like that which comes from an unsatisfactory ASOS delivery- ain’t nobody got time for the $8 postage sending it back. Don’t worry, this too shall pass.

LIBRA You got sucked into watching every remix of ‘The Bed Invader Song’ on Youtube, then reading all the comments, again. It’s okay, the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. SCORPIO In an attempt to procure the affections of a resistant neighbourhood cat, you begin leaving lavish multi-course dinners enticingly by your door. The cat will consume these, but remain distant. Treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen.

ARIES After listening to a screaming baby for several minutes, you grossly misread the expression of a nearby woman and comment on its irksome vocal endurance. That woman will turn out to be its mother. TAURUS Let’s be honest here, Taurus, we both know that even though you read these so loyally, your heart isn’t really in it. Cut your losses and start doing the 3D Noughties and Crossies instead. I don’t mind.

WOULD YOU RATHER? Talk like Jar Jar Binks, or look like Jar Jar Binks?

‘Hakuna Matata’ or ‘YOLO’?

3D NOUGHTIES AND CROSSIES

LYRIC OR LITERATURE? Is it a Kanye West quote or from the pages of a Penguin Classic? Is rap art? Take the quiz, and test all your knowledge pools.

3. Go and grab the reporters so I can smash their recorders. 4. When you start to live outside yourself, it’s all dangerous.

6. We formed a new religion. No sins as long as there’s permission. 7. You wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down.

9.There is no final one; revolutions are infinite.

10. Of all creatures that breathe and move upon the earth, nothing is bred that is weaker than man.

Kanye: 2, 3, 6, 8. Lit: 1, 4, 5, 7, 9, 10

2. Fear is your only God.

5. Beware; for I am fearless, and therefore powerful.

8. Everybody wants to live at the top of the mountain.

Answers:

1. Love, the poet said, is woman’s whole existence.

AN OPEN LETTER TO... ART: KELLY ARTHUR-SMITH

48 To the Fuckwits Who Put ‘Love Padlocks’ on the Footbridge, How are you? How’s your relationship going? Well? Yeah, I assumed so, since you’ve decided to buy a padlock, write you and your kissing friends’ names on it and attach it to a footbridge. Yeah, that footbridge leading to the University from the University ovals. Believe me, I am so fucking happy that you have such strong love feels for someone. But please, let’s have a little history lesson. Apparently, before World War Two some school teacher in Serbia fell in love with a soldier and before he went to Greece they would always meet on a certain bridge. Unfortunately the soldier fell in love with another woman while in Greece and the Serbian school teacher died of a broken heart. After that, idiots who feared for the stability of their relationships would write their name and the name of their beloved on a padlock and fix it to the bridge where the lovers supposedly used to meet. – Thanks Wikipedia! There’s this bridge in Paris that has these padlocks all over it, too. ALL FUCKING OVER IT. Paris is the city of love after all, it makes sense. It’s cute because it’s Paris. Why on earth, though, would you bother do this in Adelaide? The Torrens hardly stirs the romantic pot like the Seine. And the footbridge is meant to be a place for pissed engineering students to hang cars off of, not for a handful of pissy little padlocks. I also have my suspicions about the integrity of some of these relationships, it’s such a weak gesture. If I was with someone and they put an engraved padlock

on the bridge I would hit them upside the head and question why they wasted upwards of ten dollars on a padlock and engraving. A plate of dumplings would be a dead set pants dropper. Now, I’m hearing cries of ‘Cassie, you’re just being a bitter single person!’ Nah, I’m not. I just think these couples are dipsticks. Some people don’t even put that much effort into their padlocks, just scribbling names on it with a permanent texta. Does your love wear out when the names come off? Get the goddamn thing engraved if you like that person so much - if you’re going to do it, do it fucking properly; but really, don’t do it at all. Good luck with your mediocre relationship.

Sincerely, Cassie Egan