Esteemed reader, look no further. We took the funny and tamed it. That beautiful creature is ours. Gaze upon its splendors and majesty in this easily recyclable tome.
We here at the Abnormal School strive for excellence, integrity, and most importantly, grit in our content production, despite the latter being stretched a little thin due to the baffling shortage. We promise to never bring to your attention anything that is factually accurate or worth thinking about anywhere except on the toilet at 2 a.m., when you should really be studying. Naughty. What you hold in your hands was made with our graphic designer’s blood, sweat, tears and other bodily fluids while the rest of us scrambled to figure out how the hell a masthead works. Who knows, you might get a kick out of this volume collecting our most existent work yet. Rest assured if you don’t find
anything in here funny, you can rely on it for a gnarly paper cut, or make a silly little hat. Don’t say we didn’t ever do anything for you.
The Abnormal School is here to stay, whether you like it or not, idiot. If you do like it, you not an idiot. You are in fact really handsome and wise. Wise beyond your years. Muscular too. Has anyone ever told you that you have beautiful eyes?
As of September, expect these print issues to be strewn about haphazardly around campus once a month. We will also be accepting contributors by then, so if you think you have the chops, the gams, or dare we say the balls then send us your ideas. You might just end up in these pages.
A Toronto unborn fetus has launched a lawsuit against anti-abortion group ValueLife.
The fetus, who is currently unnamed, alleges that their image was used on posters and in pamphlets produced by ValueLife.
"It's definitely me. It's from the last 3D ultrasound I did,” said the fetus.
“I'd be heartbroken, if my heart was fully formed yet".
The fetus is being represented by Toronto law firm Johnson, Jonson & Johnstson (JJJ).
"This is a landmark case,” said a JJJ spokesperson, in a press statement.
“This will protect unborns' images from being taken, sold, and distributed without their explicit consent."
ValueLife was founded in 2018. The organization regularly protests against abortion laws on university campuses in the Greater Toronto Area.
The organization has come under fire in the past for allegedly making death threats and organizing public harassment campaigns.
Representatives for ValueLife responded to the allegations during a Facebook live.
"We are firm in our stance. While protections to images apply to all persons, this fetus is not granted those same rights. However, We maintain that the fetus is a person with all the rights of any other person. Just not this one."
Public reaction to the lawsuit has been mixed.
ValueLife has received online support from its sympathizers and sister organizations. This has escalated to threats in some cases.
Some X users have posted death threats aimed at the fetus. Many are associated with anti-abortion charities.
Toronto Metropolitan University is getting another signage overhaul as President Lachemi announced yesterday that the university will be introducing bilingual signage in accordance with diversity and inclusion efforts.
The new signs will be in English and Toronto Mans, instead of French, and will appear on directional signage, washrooms, historical plaques and on-campus dining menus.
“Wagwan,” President Lachemi is quoted as saying in the press conference livestream. “I am so privileged today to announce TMU’s new bilingual signage in both English and Toronto Mans. It is bare embarrassing fam that we have neglected formal acknowledgement of this culture for so long. My word we surely deserve a light deafazz to the wrist for that. We been real NPCs.”
President Lachemi concluded his statement by unveiling the timeline of the signage which is scheduled to start appearing by the end of 2024.
“Our maintenance crews will be working hard to install these news signs by the end of the year,” Lachemi says. “Now bless up! I hope to see all of you battymons and shordys around Tdot!”
The latter half of that statement is drawing some fire from advocacy groups who pointed out that “battymons” is a derogatory term, referring to gay men.
President Lachemi has yet to respond.
Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) announced on Wednesday that it has begun the process of purchasing the Fitzjames Aggregate Quarry, located in Caledon, Ont.
The quarry is being bought as the university is facing an unexpected shortfall of grit for 2024.
Grit is the primary construction material used by TMU in the creation of new buildings, curricula, and faculty.
An audit conducted between June 2023 and January 2024 found that the university was consuming significantly higher amounts of grit than it had initially estimated.
The university previously relied on a substantial grit donation by the Hudson’s Bay Company and grit contributions by students.
The Fitzjames Aggregate Quarry has previously been scrutinized for producing low-quality gravel.
“We are aware of the quarry’s reputation, but we are confident that it will provide exactly the kind of grit that we expect from our staff and students,” said a spokesperson for TMU.
1
The Hub Cafe is going to be turned into a Boston Pizza
One of the most exciting results of this merger will be the expanded variety food on campus. Boston Pizza and TMUEats are expected to reveal more about their mozzarific plans in the coming weeks.
The Footnote is going to be turned into a Boston Pizza Everyone’s favourite bridge between Kerr Hall and the library is getting a facelift with a brand new Boston Pizza location opening up for mozzatastic appetizers. And, yes, it will be OneCard equipped.
3
2
Oakham Cafe is going to be turned into a Boston Pizza Plans have been drafted to expand Oakham Cafe and the accompanying Oakham House into a mozz-umental three story Boston Pizza which would make it the province’s second-largest location.
Balzac’s is going to be turned into a Boston Pizza
Students will be able to kill their coffee addictions once and for all by enjoying a delectable pint instead at TMU’s brand new sports bar. The Met declined to comment, probably because they’re afraid of the free mozzarket. Viva el capitalismo!
5
4
DCC Market is going to be turned into a Boston Pizza
This location is slated to be a delivery app exclusive with students ordering their favourite BP treats (mozzarella sticks anyone?) ahead of time. Fantuan and Deliveroo are currently locked in a fierce bidding war over rights to the service.
6
Yonge Street Boston Pizza can be used for classes
If you loved classes in movie theatres you’ll love them even more in a swanky reasonably priced family restaurant. Boston Pizza locations are uniquely equipped to host informozzative lectures from the comfort of your table… or booth.
Lionel and Frankie will be fighting to the death in gladiatorial combat for the right to be TMU’s mascot next Tuesday at the MAC Only one can remain.
7
8
Pitman Dining Hall is going to be turned into a Boston Pizza Every night is Jambalaya Fettucini night! Or if that’s not to your liking consider a mozzamazing Tropical Chicken pizza with a side of Deep Fried Pickle Wedges and a Panookie. You know, A PANOOKIE!
Former Dragon’s Den star and Boston Pizza owner, Jim Treliving, is aware of our existence now Everyone’s favourite Dragon, Jim, can no longer deny our existence since he’s on the board of governors now. “When you’re here you’re family.” Mozzarelcome Jim!
9
The waiters will sing happy birthday to you. They will. They really will
10
Happy happy birthday from the Boston crew we wish it was our birthday so we could party too clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clpaclaplcpapkcpkpalcplapclapcpaofpalcpaclapl
The Supreme Court of Ireland has indicated that it is prepared to hand down its verdict on the Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) v. Temu case soon according to the Toronto Abnormal School’s foreign correspondent.
The plaintiff, TMU, brought litigation against Temu after several mix-ups involving students accidentally sending correspondence and money due to the verbal similarities between the university’s acronym and the e-commerce site.
“I don’t like to type,” said Krista Park, a fourth year Accounting student and one of the TMU v. Temu whistleblowers. “I usually use my Google Home Mini to pay tuition and send emails and stuff like that. It kept messing up the URL and I sent over $7000 to Temu.”
TMU alleges that Temu never returned the money and that they have purposely exploited the similarities leading to trademark infringement issues.
“Ms. Park’s case is not an isolated incident, unfortunately,” said lead prosecutor, Harvey Drinkwater. “Temu has misappropriated hundreds of
thousands of dollars of student money. We even have evidence that they have hijacked payroll for certain staff members.”
“I was one of the victims,” said Chair of the School of Journalism, Ravindra Mohabeer in an open letter. “Because of these swindlers I have not been fairly compensated for my work and my classes have suffered because of it.”
The case was first brought before the Irish High Court’s commercial court in October of last year. It was later appealed and eventually went before the Supreme Court in February.
Temu, a subsidiary of a Chinese company, recently moved its incorporation from the Cayman Islands to Dublin, Ireland which is why legal proceedings have been carried out there.
Temu has yet to address the situation publicly. When the Toronto Abnormal School reached out for a comment, Temu declined and instead offered a hush payment of $7000-worth of rose toys.
To which we say: we will not be silenced!
Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) has released a new tier of OneCard known as TwoCard that promises an enhanced student experience.
The TwoCard will come with a monthly $50 fee (before taxes). TwoCard holders will be granted various benefits such as:
• Luxury recliner seats in lectures with extra leg room, cup holders and a complimentary snack
• Access to TwoCard equpped study spaces (including the new TMU Gold Lounge in the Podium Building
• A warm towelette
• A complimentary FastPass to the SLC Starbucks
• Periodic email affirmations from President Lachemi
• A weekly private audience with Frankie the Falcon
Mohammad Ahmad is one of the first TMU students to receive a TwoCard. He’s been living in the Gold Lounge™ since last Friday.
“I was actually gonna transfer to Humber, but then I got the TwoCard,” he said. “Now I never wanna leave this school. The towels smell like lemons and the masseuse is sublime.”
Sandra Stirling is a TMU professor currently teaching SOC903: Social Class and Inequality who says this new program is a blatant example of elitism.
“We’ve come so far from universities being ivory towers. This is a big step in the wrong direction,” she said.
When told that professors are offered the TwoCard at a reduced price, Stirling said, “Say what now?”
A group of third-year Architectural Science students are being investigated by corporate watchdogs for a pyramid-building scheme at TMU.
The project would see a 200-foot pyramid constructed in the centre of Kerr Quad.
Corporate watchdogs are now sounding the alarm over inconsistencies in the project’s finances.
“While concerns over the safety of this project are valid, what we’re worried about is the hierarchical funding structure of the project,” said watchdog, Priya Midd.
“A lot of the funding comes from below. It’s big at the bottom and gets smaller at the top”.
Their primary qualm is with the payment of students who are recruited to build the pyramid.
“They are being paid in raw fish anddried beetle necklaces. We’re also investigating claims that the project is being funded by private investors involved in the triangular trade.”
The students at the helm of the project are defending their work.
“We’ve been building this from the ground up for years,” says Ae Lian, the founder of the group. “There’s nothing untoward going on, it’s all by the book. Or rather, the scroll.”
The university administration was initially excited about the project, but officials are now becoming wary.
“A pyramid of this scale is exactly what TMU needs right now. It will raise morale back from the dead,” said President Mohamed Lachemi.
“We’ve been in denial up to this point. A lot of mumm- money is going into this, we need to make sure it's coming from the right places.”
In a press conference Wednesday, Toronto Metropolitan University issued a statement welcoming psychologist and self-described “Best-Selling Author | Clinical Psychologist | #1 Education Podcast | Listen to the podcast here:” to the Gender, Sexuality and Health Research Cluster (GSH).
Peterson is set to join the faculty in order to continue his ongoing research project surrounding archetypes of masculinity and its intersection with perceived monstrosity.
“You can become: vampire, werewolf, billionaire, pirate and surgeon,” says Peterson in several interviews related to his research.
Many in the GSH faculty are anticipating the announcement of a sixth type of man with the increased allocation of monetary resources to Peterson’s project.
“I would be very interested in seeing whether or not Swamp Thing or Australian can receive official classification,” says research fellow, Tyrese Buchanan. “Those have been very popular choices in academia these past few years.”
A spokesperson for Peterson asked that The Abnormal School clarify that these types of men are strictly binary and not associated with “the 72 trans genders [sic] or pronouns”.
TMU has a history of engaging with controversial figures and Peterson’s hiring is being criticized as a stepback by some students.
“How the f*** are they going to cut our scholarships to remove all the residential school founder signs,” says fifth year student Isabella Li referring to Egerton Ryerson. “And then hire a guy whose reputation is trashed and he ain’t even dead yet?”
Peterson is currently fighting a court mandate to undergo social media training in order to keep his doctor title amidst accusations of unprofessionalism.
