Issue 26, Vol. 147. The Brunswickan Spoof Issue (The Bumswickan)

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Volume 148 路 April 2, 2014 路 Spoof Issue

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wiping down leaks since 1867

2 • April 2, 2014 • Issue 26, SPOOF ISSUE • Volume 147

BUMSWICKANEWS

Dr. Richard E. Lee Optometrist

406A Regent St. 458-1580 (2 buildings past Harvey’s Hamburgers)

New Patients Welcome

April 2, 2014 • Issue 26, SPOOF ISSUE • Volume 147 • 3

THE BUMS

EWS

Cher Nartstigator With aliens from the planet “I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter” recently invading campus with demands to have comparable rights to human beings, the UNB Student Union has taken a neutral stance on the issue.

The aliens invaded on Monday, cancelling classes and demanding that they have equal rights to human beings.

“We’re not asking for much,” said the aliens’ chief commander Xccchhj IJJJah. “We know we won’t have the same rights as humans, but we just want ones that are comparable to theirs.”

However, the UNB administration doesn’t seem to agree. They have blocked out their invaders with a super force-field provided by SWA Security, paid for with tuition money.

“We’ve been doing our best to negotiate with the aliens,” said UNB president Eddddddddy Camppp. “We’re

already giving them the right to live.

What more do they want? Shouldn’t they be taking this shit to the UN?” The aliens have been picketing outside the force-field and holding daily marches with sympathizers. However, they have yet to answer the question of why they think UNB could give them rights on Earth.

“EJFHE4HU4HUHRRRRFFH COM PR EH ENSI V E fd kjfhuuueugfffpe, TEACH dihfuurfh,” said Hjjji Jxxzz, another one of the aliens.

The UNB Student Union has taken a neutral stance on the invasion, arguing there are students on each side of the issue.

“We have students who think aliens should have comparable rights, and some students who don’t. So as a union, we’re advocating for both sides to work something out,” said UNBSU president, Ted Sharpney.

“But seriously, this is bullshit. Fuck.”

Club Death Eaters Tintin Stalin Business Manager A new chapter of a world-renowned club is coming to UNB — and they are sure to leave a deathly fun mark on the campus.

The UNB Death Eaters is a new club that has landed in Fredericton, a long way away from their original chapter at Great Britain’s Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

“We’ve decided to start branching out, as we believe there are some really strong potential members at UNB,” said Lucius Malfoy, Hogwarts chapter’s treasurer. “We are already working with some top administrators to get our message across this campus.”

Their inaugural event was a maskmaking party for current and new members. Among the participants were some of UNB’s top administrators. However, when asked for a comment, they responded with a hiss and vanished into thin air.

“Some of our events are still under wraps but we hope to bring some of our Hogwarts events to UNB,” said Bellatrix Lestrange, Hogwarts chapter’s vice-president.

One of the discussed events will be a large maze where participants will be asked to duel an evil wizard upon its completion.

Another event will be a campuswide capture the flag match with a twist. A member who went by the pseudonym LilyEyes5 described it in a leaked email to the Bumswickan.

“It’s like capture the flag, but instead of a base we just destroy your

campus in the search for one student that everyone must defend,” she wrote.

“I know how it must sound, and yes, it will be amazing,” said Lestrange in response to the Bumswickan’s leaked information.

The Hogwarts chapter is looking for a few key members to round out the new executive and become a driving force in their overall mission and vision.

“We want strong-minded people who are not against wrist tattoos, long robes, questionable hair choices and dark colours,” said Malfoy.

Marc Gauvin, the UNBSU vicepresident who handles clubs and societies on campus, spoke highly of the new club.

“They are awesome! We had a short talk in my office and we seem to all have the same future goals, which are what student clubs are great for,” said Gauvin. “They even gave me this bitchin’ wrist tattoo when I told them that I’d join their group.”

Ben Whitney, the UNBSU president seemed a bit skeptical at first, but reassured students that it was a great addition to the university.

“Let’s be honest, we pretty much accept any club with a constitution,” Whitney said.

At the time of publication, the president of the Hogwarts chapter was unavailable for comment due to prior time commitments. The explanation for this, as posted on their official website, shows their dedication to students, which is something the UNB chapter hopes to bring to College Hill.

“We’re tracking down one student and fulfilling the prophecy,” it said.

ALIENS INVADE UNB UNBSU TAKES NEUTRAL STANCE

Aliens take over the SUB while UNBSU stick with their stance of neutrality. Buzz Lightyear / The Bumswickan

UNB students go on Dragons’ Den and find actual dragons

UNB students end up having to fight real dragons when they make an appearance on CBC’s Dragons’ Den. Andrew Meade Emma McPhee Devourer of People What began as a dream come true for three UNB students quickly turned into the stuff of nightmares when an appearance on CBC’s Dragons’ Den became an encounter with real, live dragons.

Fourth-year chemical engineering students Greg Bailey, Garrett Nelson and Stephen Likely won the opportunity to make a pitch on the entrepreneurial show last year with their business plan for an industrial hand cleaner.

“We had our hands full, I’ll tell you that,” Bailey said. “We quickly had to change tactics. The minute I saw those beasts, I said to Garrett, ‘You run. See if you can distract them.’ Then Stephen and I tried to use our wit to confuse

them.”

“It was the scariest thing I have ever done,” Nelson said. “The flames were the worst though. I thought for sure we’d be burnt to a crisp.”

Bailey is no stranger to fighting off belligerent creatures. After all, as UNBSU vice-president external during the strike, he received plenty of experience through dealing with UNB’s administration.

“I was wishing I had my megaphone.

It makes me feel stronger,” he said.

However, things took a dangerous turn when he forgot one of the Dragons’ names.

“I was like ‘Oh shit,’ ” he said. “He was the most conceited Dragon, so he didn’t like that. But then I attacked him with pink spray paint, so that subdued

him a bit.”

Eventually they were able to escape the dragons by spraying their hand cleaner in the creatures’ eyes to blind them and making a dash for the studio door. Although they didn’t strike a business deal, the experience wasn’t entirely fruitless.

“Like any good dragons, these ones had brought some of their treasure stash with them,” Likely said. “We made sure to grab some gold when the dragons were blinded.”

However, UNB claimed property rights for the treasure, and therefore took it away from the students. Still, they are looking on the bright side, and will be starting a new business venture.

“We’re currently looking into marketing it to the dragon control business as well,” Bailey said.

The dragons, Smaug O’Leary, Nobert Croxon, Drogon Chilton, Viserion Treliving and Rhaegal Dickinson, are thought to have come from a region in northern Quebec where there is known to be a considerable dragon population.

They rarely venture beyond their territory and it is unknown what brought them to Toronto and caused them to attack the students so viciously.

“We want to ensure that everyone knows this is a rare occurrence. You are quite safe from these creatures,” said UNB care of magical creatures professor, Dr. Harris Grid.

“My colleagues and I are working hard to make sure this sort of thing doesn’t happen again.”

Bailey said he feels lucky to be alive.

“It could have gone so much worse.

We could have died,” he said. “But instead everyone got out safe and the university just took the money we won.”

BUMSWICKANEWS

4 • April 2, 2014 • Issue 26, SPOOF ISSUE • Volume 147

Stapled condoms an inside job

Traffic signs cause campus confusion Pizza Whisperer Semicolon ninja Signs recently installed on the University of New Brunswick campus have caused more confusion than initially expected.

The signs were placed in prominent locations on busy roads running through campus, and consist of two components: a top section stating “MAXIMUM 30” and a bottom section displaying “YOUR SPEED” with a screen displaying the speed at which drivers are travelling.

The reception of the new signs among students was generally poor, with many saying they were unsure of the exact purpose of the signs.

“Yeah, the first time I noticed one of these signs was when I was rushing up to S-Club to see this hot chick my friend was telling me about,” said Pat Li, a UNB student. “It was telling me two different numbers – the top said 30 and the bottom was flashing 70.

It was weird.”

Li is not the only student confused by the signs. Emmet Squish, frequent

driver and Geodesy and Geomatics Society president, weighed in.

“It seemed that the bottom number varied, but the top always stayed at 30. So I started experimenting and discovered that the bottom number was somehow wirelessly connected to the activity of my gas and brake pedals,” said Squish.

“I just don’t get it,” said Li. “What is the significance? Are they supposed to add up to a certain number? Do they need to have common multiples?”

Disgruntled transportation engineering professors Alan and Adam Buildahand were not pleased with the student reaction.

“It’s really simple, actually,” said Dr. Buildahand. “It’s a device to get drivers to slow down on campus.”

Dr. Buildahand added, “People often don’t realize how fast they’re driving on campus. This displays it clearly and effectively.”

At print time, the GGE students had affixed a scoreboard to the signpole, and were recording new high scores with a Sharpie.

This fall’’s the stapled condoms fiasco was an attempt by the provincial government to increace the provinces population.

Lou Zappa Nartstigator The provincial government has announced that last September’s stapled condom fiasco on campus was in fact incited by them in an attempt to increase the province’s population.

“Look, we all know the province’s horny kids can’t control themselves,” said the deputy minister of population growth. “We had to try and make the most of one of the province’s greatest natural resources: its incompetent youth.”

However, the ploy was not as effective as they thought. By June 30, it is

estimated that only 50 babies will have been born as a result. However, most of the soon-to-be parents have already left to live in Fort McMurray.

“Honestly, me and my hubby saw it as a blessing,” said Suzy Superstar, a first-year impregnated by the faulty condoms. “We were going to move to Fort McMurray anyway, but now we will be making more money sooner, even with a screaming and pooping infant.”

Other students affected saw their pregnancy as a way to fame, like Jamie Jones, who isn’t quite sure who the father is.

“I really think this is a great opportunity for me to move to the U.S.,” Jones said. “I already have plans to ap-

pear on an episode of Maury Povich.”

While acknowledging that one of the only things to do in this province is have sex, government officials admitted their plan was poorly executed.

“It’s clear that New Brunswick’s youth wasn’t as stupid as we thought,” the deputy minister. “But hey, we allow their tuition to go up all the time and they do nothing . . . so do you blame us for trying?”

Now, the government is heading back to the drawing board.

“We will continue working on new and innovative ways to increase our population,” the minister said.

UNB gets a new parking space ANAL That DJ UNB Security is once again tackling the parking problem on campus, but this time it looks like they may be making positive improvements.

“It came to our attention last week that there may not be enough parking spaces on campus,” said Roger Bruceson, director of campus security.

“I’m surprised we’re only hearing of this issue now. We’ve always just assumed no news is good news.

Nonetheless, we’re tackling this head-on and are attempting to add additional parking on campus immediately.”

The proposed parking area will be located in the McLeod residence parking lot. A total of one parking space will be added over the coming weeks with an additional one planned to be added in the next six years.

“We feel these two parking spaces will not only solve our apparent parking issue here at UNB but will ultimately give students more incentive to give us money for parking passes, now knowing they’ll actually have somewhere to park,” Bruceson said.

“It’s a win/win situation.”

The parking spaces are going to be created in what is currently a giant open paved surface. The surface, roughly the size of Chipman, N.B., should be able to accommodate the two planned spaces, however UNB

The new parking space will created in McLeod House’s parking lot.

UNB Security / The Bumswickan vice-president academic Tod Billen thinks issues could arise.

“The space planned for these new spaces might not be suitable for parking. I’m not sure why.

Something about dinosaur bones,” added Billen. “I’ve just been advised to disagree with things that might make student life better, y’know?

It’s part of the rules when you have ‘VP’ in front of your name. However, once we determine how much money these spaces might bring in, my position on the issue may change, y’know? We like the kids spending

money.”

The new parking issue is being brought to the UNB Board of Governors and we expect to see these new spaces likely never.

“The university just needs to determine what is in the students’ best interest before we proceed.

We’re just putting students first,” Billen said.

BUMSWICKANEWS Kraken unleashes shit on president’s new porch Dick Furray Anal-in-Chief It’s a big Code Brown at 238 Waterloo Row. Despite a forewarning from UNB student hacktivists, the Kraken was spotted emerging from the St. John River in the early morning yesterday.

It crossed onto the nearly 200-yearold property and took a shit on Eddy Campbell’s recently-renovated porch.

Drunk students quickly took to Spotted at UNB’s Facebook page and live-spotted the happenings.

“Spotted: a $160,000 turd on Eddy Campbell’s porch,” wrote one student.

“What the hell did Miriam Jones feed that thing?”

Crisis response units were dispatched to the Somerville house but the Kraken had slipped back into the depths before anybody could get there.

In addition to defecating all over the property, the Kraken left a note on the side of the house in black ink but

April 2, 2014 • Issue 26, SPOOF ISSUE • Volume 147 • 5

The Kraken came out of the St. John River amd took a shit on president Campbell’s porch. FIle photo unfortunately it was incomprehensible.

“We don’t understand the language!” said one AUNBT member.

“We should have comparability to other messages the Kraken has left in the past.”

But now, somebody has to clean it up. Students spotted AFIMAC security vans around the property during the incident but the hired private security professionals just sat there laughing and did absolutely nothing.

The Bumswickan obtained a contract between the University and AFIMAC through a Right to Information request which revealed the security company also doubles as a clean-up crew and will be responsible for cleaning up the feces.

The estimated damage to the property is valued at $160,401.52, which

will be covered by the university, though officials argue it’s the AUNBT who should pick up the tab.

“If they had just realized we have no money this never would have happened,” said secretary to the assistant of the financial advisor interim for the vice-president of historical landmarks P-Mac. “They say this whole thing is about language but let’s face it; UNB isn’t exactly known for its linguistic skills.

Look at the spelling mistake on the Currie Center [sic].”

During the six-week renovations, UNB president Eddy Campbell will be rooming with Bumswickan opinions columnist Richard Kemick.

Greyback Loup The Bumswickan

The Morlocs are the real reason behind UNB’s asbestos problems.

Selfieeeee / The Bumswickan unchecked.”

Atodaso’s friend Julian Tremblay, who went into the tunnels with him, was just as shocked.

“At first we couldn’t see anything; all we heard was the pattering of feet,” said Julian. “We didn’t want to be eaten too so we ran out of there. I guess they can’t come out into the light because as soon as we came out the door they stopped chasing us.”

Tremblay, who saw the creatures with the light of his cell phone, described them as small, humanoid forms with arms like orangutans and black, leathery skin.

Sunday April 13, 2014 2:00 p.m.

Location: In the bar

Morlocs found in tunnels under UNB campus Feelings of shock and fear swept the UNB campus after it was finally discovered that what lies behind UNB’s numerous “Caution: Asbestos” signs are more than just deadly minerals.

As it turns out, they hide an old campus secret more terrifying than anyone could ever imagine.

On March 21, freshman R icky Atodaso was heading back to his residence building late at night when he saw a dark figure snatch up another student who was stumbling back to residence from the SUB. Atodaso followed the perpetrator into Tilley Hall, where he lost sight of it heading through a door marked “Asbestos, do not enter.”

Further investigation into this matter has revealed that behind the marked doors are a network of tunnels and hallways underneath the campus, home to a group of subterranean humanoids called Morlocs.

“I couldn’t believe it,” said Atodaso, who came to the tunnel with a friend to investigate. “I even know the guy they took. His name was Sam. I was at the Cellar talking with him not thirty minutes before they got him. It’s too bad — he owes me money.”

Further investigation has revealed similar occurrences dating as far back as 40 years ago. Five students disappear from the freshmen class every semester, the disappearances being explained – or assumed – as dropouts.

Naturally, the issue was brought up with campus security.

“We’ve never gotten wind of this happening before,” said James Lahey from campus security. “I can’t believe that this has been going on for so long

Annual General Meeting

After the terrible ordeal was uncovered, The Bumswickan was able to talk with one of the creatures and uncover the workings of their sadistic network.

“We have been here for as long as I can remember,” the Morloc said.

“We always take the ones living in the school, because their minds are slow when they’re coming back drunk from the place you call the Cellar. The school makes them nice and fat for us.”

UNB president Phil Collins could not be reached for comment and it’s unclear as to whether this was a surprise to everybody or the administration knew all along.

Members Only

THE BUMS

POOPINIONS

Richard Kemick You students paid his salary this year Once the butler has opened the door, the first thing I notice is all of the cats.

They occupy the mansion like vagrants, crawling atop the frames of paintings, sliding down the spiral banister, leaping between the ebony chairs. One dangles above me in the chandelier, the crystal prisms clinking.

As the butler takes my winter coat, President Campbell rounds the corner, wearing a “Kiss the Chef” apron overtop a tuxedo. In my father’s handme-down white collared shirt and plain black tie, I feel woefully underdressed.

“Richard, thank you so much for coming,” Dr. Campbell says. Taking my jacket from the butler, he says, “Allow me, Charles,” and fits a wooden coat hanger into it.

“Thank you for having me, Dr. Campbell,” I reply.

“Please, call me Eddy.”

Eddy opens up the closet and I stare at the wall of full-length fur coats. It looks like a 19th century Hudson’s Bay trading post. Eddy, catching my jaw drop open, rubs my jacket between his thumb and forefinger. “This is quite nice,” he says, trying to make me feel comfortable. “Is this real polyester?”

“I brought this,” I say, holding out a one and a half litre bottle of white wine. I asked the guy at NB Liquor for something that seemed expensive but wasn’t and he pointed me towards this brand. Its label is faded and burnt around the edges like it’s old and exotic.

Eddy thanks me and inspects the label. “I had no idea Belarus made wine. I love new things. But how did you know I had cats?”

I follow him towards the dining room, stepping around and over his multitude of felines. There is a 12-foot table, solid white, that stretches the length of the room.

“Is that made from bone?” I ask.

Eddy winks at me and touches his nose. “I-vor-really can’t say.”

I surprise myself by letting out a laugh. When I received his postcard in the mail, I thought it was a joke. When his secretary emailed me to ask if I’d received the invitation, I still thought it was a joke. It wasn’t until Tony Secco came to my Canadian Gothic Literature class, stared daggers at Dr. Jen Andrews, and asked me what my deal was that I realized Eddy was genuine.

I sit at one end of the table thinking that Eddy will sit at the other, but he sits immediately to my left. Suddenly this big table seems much more intimate.

A cat hops onto his lap. “Richard, this is Genghis Claws. Say ‘hello’ to Richard, Genghis.” Eddy takes one of

the cat’s paws and makes it wave at me.

In a high-pitched voice, lisping his R’s, he says, “Hewwo Wichad. Hewwo.”

“Dinner smells great,” I say, catching a whiff of spice wafting from the kitchen. “What are we having?”

“I’m not sure.”

“You didn’t cook?”

He chortles. “Good God no. I burn water.”

“But you’re wearing a ‘Kiss the Chef’ apron.”

“Ha!” he replies, looking at his chest.

“All this time I thought this said ‘Kiss the Chief.’”

I have no idea if he’s joking or not.

“No, I just use this as a bib. Don’t want a barbecue sauce bow-tie, if you know what I mean.”

I have no idea how I could not know what he means.

A cat scurries across the table and, from his apron’s pocket, Eddy pulls out a water bottle and lets a couple squirts fly. “Off the table, Mouse-olini! Off the table!” The cat hisses and disappears behind the stereo speakers.

“Oh, that reminds me,” Eddy says and pulls out a CD with the plastic wrap still on. “I bought something I thought you might like to listen to this evening.” He holds the CD at arm’s length, inspecting its cover like he did the wine bottle. “The Insane Clown Pussy — I mean, Posse. Oops.

The Insane Clown Posse’s The Mighty Death Pop.” “Sorry, what’s its title?” I ask.

“The Mighty Death Pop.” I heard him the first time but I’d just wanted him to say those words again.

“Do you enjoy them, Richard?”

“Truthfully, I don’t really like that type of stuff. I listen to a lot of classical.”

Eddy claps his hands together. “I knew you and I would hit it off!” He turns to the hallway. “Charles! Please come. And bring your cello!”

Charles enters, carrying a cello as large as he is.

“Any requests, sir?”

Eddy looks at me expectantly. “Does he know any Bach?” I ask, unsure of whether or not I can address Charles directly or if that sort of thing is frowned upon.

Eddy scoffs, “Does he know any Bach? Charles, begin.” Charles immediately enters into a flawless rendition of the Prelude.

Dinner consists of steak and pork chops with a side of chicken wings. We wash it down with a 25-year-old red.

We indulge ourselves in meat and pleasant conversation. I ask him what his hopes for the university are. He asks me what my favourite colour is. I ask him what he thinks of the Syrian civil war. He asks me what’s the longest I

AN EVENING WITH EDDY

Richard Kemick was recently invited to Sommerville house for a night with the UNB President.

Photo courtesy of AFIMAC security / The Bumswickan can hold my breath; I’m unsure so we decide to have a competition but keep falling into fits of giggles every time we see the other puff out his cheeks and swell red in the face.

Charles’s impeccable vibrato and leaping arpeggios fill the room. Eddy cuts off a strip of marbled fat and dangles it beneath the table. Instantly, a cat bolts from the corner and to his hand. “Here you go, Kitty Amin. Just don’t tell Cat Jung Il.” After a desert of chocolate-covered bacon, Eddy invites me onto the porch to watch the sunset. “Come see what the annual salaries of five-and-a-half immigrants can purchase. Of course,” he adds, “we know now that you’re longer allowed to cut them in half.”

As he helps me put on my jacket, he says, “Aren’t I a silly sock––I forgot to feed the cats.” He grabs my bottle of white wine off the hallway table and empties it into a large metal basin.

A pride of cats descend. “Easy now, Slobodan Meowšević. Make room for Paw Pot. Where is Saddam Pussein?”

The bottle empty, Eddy extends his hand to the door. “I’ll meet you out there.”

I sit alone on one of the two rocking chairs and watch the sun sink across the river, shimmering the water in brilliant

reds and oranges. Everything is so magical here, in this pure-white mansion built on the bluffs of the St. John, overlooking the noticeably poorer northside. But here, their inequality is not ours. Because in this house, there is only equality; there is always enough for everyone who lives here, there is always more wine to drink and more meat to eat.

Eddy joins me, carrying two crystal glasses of whiskey.

I graciously accept the one he graciously offers. “Isn’t that north?” I ask, pointing at the sunset. “I thought the sun set in the west.”

Eddy laughs softly to himself.

“Everything has its price, Richard.

Everything,” he pauses, swirling his tumbler, “has its price.”

Finally, I ask the question I have been thinking of since the evening began.

“Do you think I’ve been unfair to you, Eddy? Over the past year, I would be the first to admit that I’ve been a bit dickish at times.”

“Unfair? How?” “In my weekly opinion column.”

“You write for The Gleaner?”

“No. The Brunswickan. The student paper.”

“We have a student paper? Wonderful! I’ll have to ask Charles to check that

out some time.”

“Well, sir, if you haven’t read my columns then why did you invite me over here?”

Eddy leans in, rests his hand on my forearm. “I’m just trying to get to know my students, Richard. The students whom I care for and love with all my heart.”

He takes a healthy sip. “Richard, I don’t want you to think of me as the old bumbling president who holds your academic future hostage in order to gain leverage for my own fiscal fantasies. I want you to think of me as your cool and hip older brother.”

I nod, feeling the happy war of whiskey surge through my body. The sunset casts the water in glittering fire.

A breeze kicks up and sways my rocking chair. The wind is cool and refreshing against my face.

Two years it has taken me to learn what kind of soul was hidden behind those $800 glasses. O cruel, needless misunderstanding! O stubborn, selfwilled exile from the loving breast! Two whiskey-scented tears trickle down the sides of my nose. But it’s alright, everything is alright, the struggle is finished.

I had won the victory over myself. I loved my new Big Brother.

BUMSWICKANPOOPINION

W E I V OINT P

April 2, 2014 • Issue 26, SPOOF ISSUE • Volume 147 • 7

on What’s YOUR s week? i h t d n i m

Who would win in a mud wrestling match: Eddie Campbell or Rob Ford?

Alyse Reimer

Christian Richard

Danielle, Lauren, Brittany

Emily Carpenter

Eric Brun

“Rob Ford: he’s dirty!”

“Rob Ford.”

“Rob Ford, if he was on crack.”

“Eddy Campbell ­— he could buy his way out.”

“Definitely Rob Ford!”

Kaitlyn McCarthy

Kate Ridgley

Pierre Lamarche

Sarah Dana

Sarah Dominie

“Robbie! :)”

“ROB FORD!!”

“Rob for dayyys!”

“Go away, Karsten.”

“Rob Ford!”

THE BUMS

FARTS

New UNB program to focus on YouTube cats

Renaissance College prepares students for future

Lenoardo da Vinci Ews Editor Who says a leadership degree can’t take you places?

Just ask Zelma Carey, who, only f ive years after graduating from U NB’s prestigious Renaissance College, has managed to parlay her bachelor of philosophy in interdisciplinary leadership studies into a lucrative key-holder position at a local Starbucks.

“Renaissance College takes the best aspects of a great tradition and combines them with new and exciting methods of education,” explained Carey as she blended a Venti mocha latte for an impatient soccer mom.

“Their focus on the Socratic method, based on the OxfordCambridge mentorship model, really guides me in my day-to-day life”, said the 27-year-old barista whose most challenging task that day was counting off the $325 deposit at the end of her shift.

In today’s competitive job market,

where practical skills and real-world experience are paramount, a degree in theoretical leadership studies can pay for itself tenfold. At Renaissance College, students undergo intense artistic training, such as the carving of wooden spoons — a symbol of the tools they will bring to bear when challenging the corporate world.

Leaders-to-be are also sent on a stimulating trip overseas, where they change lives by assembling plywood huts and distributing complimentary UNB T-shirts to the indigenous population, Carey claimed.

“We were able to apply a mult iliterate paradigm in order to professionally cultivate distinctive leadership skills, while seamlessly innovating end-to-end niches and energetically meshing parallel ebusiness with team-driven benefits,” she said while sweeping crushed coffee beans from the floor.

Renaissance College has cracked the secretive leadership market through their groundbreaking curriculum. By allowing students to (Continued on page 10.)

CLASSIFIEDS Get your degree while you get your coffee! Offering four- and five-year degree programs, depending on where you’re standing in the Tim’s line.

UNB hopes to set itself apart from competition with new course on YouTube cats. Courtesy of Fredericton SPCA we realized there was a whole wealth to a video of a cat barking like a dog.

Troy Allorn of knowledge to be learned about these The news was adorable mews to the The Bumswickan cuddly little critters. We simply can’t ears of first-year UNB student Gertie Frumpton.

They’re fluffy, they’re adorable, and wait to open up this program for our “All my friends already chose their now you can spend all day looking at students.”

While full details of the program majors and nothing ever seemed like a them — without feeling like you’re are still unknown, officials say students good fit for me,” said Frumpton, a selfwasting your life (well, sort of). described “crazy cat lady” who claims In response to the mounting de- can expect a range of courses focusing she spends up to six hours a day looking mands of its students, the University on everything from Keyboard Cat to at cats on the internet. of New Brunswick’s Media Arts and Surprised Kitty.

The new addition is expected to “Once I found out the Media Arts Culture program is introducing a and Culture program would be offernew program on YouTube’s most eye- attract thousands of new students, as it will be the first of its kind in the ing a degree in YouTube cats, I knew I catching characters: its cats.

Atlantic region. had picked the right school, after all.”

“Here in the Media Arts and Culture “We’re hoping this unique program The program will join the ranks of program, we strive to meet the needs several similarly internet-inspired proof our students on a daily basis. When will really help UNB’s Media Arts grams across the country, including a we received a petition earlier this year and Culture program stand out from program on Planking, Perching and requesting that we offer a degree in similar programs in the region,” added Cone-ing at the University of Alberta YouTube cats, we were, of course, a bit Randall.

When asked what kinds of jobs stuand one on Really Cute Sloths just up skeptical at first,” said Ross Randall, dents can expect to gain with such a the hill at St. Thomas University. director of the Media Arts and Culture degree, Randall chuckled nervously and program.

“But once we looked more into it, directed The Bumswickan’s attention

MISSED CONNECTION:

Councilling services: Do u sit on the UNBSU Council? R U a shitty councillor? Councilling services are available to help! Plz don’t apply if u need counselling services. Learn about homonyms.

Lose muscle tone & flab up w the Bruns Weakly exercise regime.

DO U LOOK LIKE A U posted on spotted at UNB and said u didn’t like girls w high boots. I am not a VP ACADEMIC? girl w high boots. Plz contact 4 Weekly improv acting gig. No acaWANTED: Literally anyone to give a demic background required but mous- friendship/hookup/serious commitment. shit. Plz contact NBSA. tache necessary. Plz contact Dr. SecLost: my “cool” factor?? Kids these co’s office w/ resumes. days have no respect and I don’t kno Do you have boobies? Be a Brunshine girl!

DO U NEED A how 2 get them 2 like me. Looking 4 It’s not degrading – it’s empowering. I swear.

NEW UCARD? advice/friendship! Plz contact ResLife NEEDED: One defence lawOf course not. Mandatory pickyer for libel lawsuit. Plz contact Steve up tomorrow 6am – 7am SUB Kemick & Campbell: Actual dislike or just Beaverson. room 512 sexual tension? Public debate Thursday 7 pm!

MISSED CONNECTION: NOW HIRING: Beautiful girl. U asked me if I secretaries w fancy titles & no VOTE JOHN ROBB FOR PRESIScreening of bold new documentawanted to go to the Blue Room for a DENT OF UNB! STIR FRIES FOR skills. Plz contact E. Campbell ry The Meal Hall Trays: Where Are BJ. You meant a Booster Juice! Sorry EVERYONE! Rally tomorrow at noon.

WANTED: UNBSU EXEC They Now? Friday 7pm in McComy bad. Plz return my calls.

MEMBERS. MUST BE RESIDENT OF nnell Hall. Snacks provided, bring FOUND: LOOKING 4 WORK: LBR. your own food recommended.

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BUMSWICKANFARTS

April 2, 2014 • Issue 26, SPOOF ISSUE • Volume 147 • 9

Gordon Mihan: sexiest man alive

The Penis Monologues is cumming to campus Troy Allorn Python tamer.

Ppl Magazine names UNB student Gordon Mihan “Sexiest Man Alive Ever For Real We’re Serious.”

Uh, let-me-take-a-selfie / The Bumswickan Tom Leeland Farts editor YouTube sensation and UNB student Gordon Mihan was recently named Ppl Magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive Ever For Real We’re Serious.”

The Brunswickan multimedia editor and MAAC student said the award came as a big surprise.

“What’s happening?” asked Mihan.

“Who are you? Why are you in my house?”

Mihan’s internet popularity sprung from his appearance on the Brunswickan Scoop videos circa 2013, which gained him widespread fans amongst

people of all genders. He quickly became a prominent sex symbol in the UNB community and beyond, famed for his suave and easygoing magnetism both on and off the camera.

“Is that duct tape?” asked Mihan with his characteristic charm. “Get away from me!”

Mihan was an underdog in the Sexiest Man competition, but gained a clear lead in the polls when frontrunner Benedict Cumberbatch was discovered to not actually be alive, but taxidermied in the style of Jeremy Bentham.

The scandal that arose from this discovery — now called “Nope, Chuck

Testa”-gate — has resulted in a steep divide amongst Cumberbatch fans, dividing them into two camps: Benedict-mourners and self-described “Taxidermy Rights Activists.”

When asked to comment on his success amidst this controversy, Mihan said, “Mmf, mmf mmmmmf!”

Mmf indeed, Mr. Mihan. Mmf indeed.

To see more of Gordon Mihan’s videos, follow him on YouTube or send $500 in small unmarked bills to the agreed location.

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Are you passionate about your penis?

Sure of your schlong?

Boastful ‘bout your bratwurst?

If so, you’re not alone; and for the first time in history, you can show it off to the world (your pride ¬— not your penis).

University of New Brunswick men who worship their wangs are banding together to launch a theatrical response to Eve Ensler’s acclaimed play, The Vagina Monologues, with plans to bring it to campus this fall.

“After years of sitting idly by while the University Women’s Centre flaunts their vaginal vigour with the annual Vagina Monologues, the University Men’s Centre has finally chosen to take a stand,” said Richard Johnson, president of the UNB University Men’s Centre.

“We feel the best way to do this is by writing and performing a counterpart to The Vagina Monologues — The Penis Monologues.”

Johnson’s argument is that “penises deserve to be celebrated, too.”

He said that, similar to The Vagina Monologues, The Penis Monologues

will feature a series of short spiels delivered by various UNB students that will portray different facets of the male experience.

Every male-oriented challenge, from having to wear stupid condoms to living life with a micro-penis, will be explored.

“It’s all about equality,” said Johnson.

“Penises have gone through just as many — if not more — struggles and adversities than vaginas, and I don’t see why we shouldn’t give them the spotlight to express that, too.”

When asked by The Bumswickan whether he fully understood the concept of The Vagina Monologues — to finally give a voice to the innermost thoughts of women in a world dominated by male identity, both on and off the stage — Johnson fidgeted for several long moments before launching into a rant about the challenges of having a chode.

Johnson is calling all those passionate about their peckers to join in the phallic fun by auditioning for The Penis Monologues this September.

BUMSWICKANFARTS

10 • April 2, 2014 • Issue 26, SPOOF ISSUE • Volume 147

Renaissance Continued... “become leaders in whatever career they choose,” they can achieve massive success previously reserved only for those who attend motivational speaking sessions held at bingo halls.

When informed of Renaissance College’s astonishing placement results, one local transient outside Starbucks stated: “By God, why didn’t I think of that? I could have become a great leader of men by simply taking a course on Culture Studies. Now I live on the street and share my pants with three other men. It’s not ideal.” He then paused to vomit in public view.

As Carey paused from cleaning the coffee shop toilet for a smoke break, squatting on a milk crate in the frigid March weather, she mused on how far her leadership degree has taken her in life.

“Renaissance College offered me internships at community organization projects — I was able to experience the crushing shame of giving my labour away for free before I even graduated,” she said proudly. When asked if she was planning to move up to a senior position at Starbucks, she replied that such a position required actual leadership experience.

“Plus, my boyfriend is about to graduate with a history degree,” she said. “So we’re pretty much set for life.”

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Student shanked by Mem Hall ghost The Pizza Whisperer Semicolon ninja A student in the small-but-fierce UNB music program is claiming to have been stabbed in the thigh by a ghost in Memorial Hall.

Many have heard the rumours of ghosts that can be seen in Mem Hall late at night, but until now the ghosts have been described as benevolent, albeit spooky.

“I was alone in Mem late Thursday night practising my euphonium,” said music student and shankee Kenneth J. Alford. “I’ve heard all the stories before

— alone in the building at night, you see someone walk by you, and when you turn back they’ve disappeared. But I never for a moment thought that it could be true.”

Alford described the experience as “traumatic.”

“I was walking in the creepy basement when I came upon a tiny Frenchman with an odd glow about him. His clothes were nothing like what you’d wear today —he didn’t even have Ray Bans on.”

The supposed specter was dressed in colonial-era clothing, but it was unclear whether it was a very old ghost or some-

one who died getting ready for a play.

The ghost — affectionately nicknamed Pierre by students —did not respond to any of Alford’s questions, instead giving him a blank stare.

“Without warning, the tiny man pulled out a tiny knife and shanked me right in the leg. I limped the fuck out of there and got help. Now, no one believes me and I’m being accused of telling lies.”

Mem Hall is scheduled to be phantom-phumigated during the Witching Hour, and Alford has been sentenced to write “I must not tell lies” 5000 times with some sort of bewitched pen.

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Tom Leeland Farts Editor Hold onto your butts, because DJ A\ Nal is in town.

Coming from humble beginnings, this self-proclaimed booty enthusiast said he just kind of slipped into DJing.

“I just saw a hole in the Freddy music scene and I thought, I gotta get in there,” said A\Nal.

“I’d never done anything like this before, so there was a bit of a learning curve, but now I really enjoy it.”

By day, the disc jockey is known as mild-mannered Alex Nalsh, but by night, DJ A\Nal is topping the charts and bottoming the bass. He’s locally renowned for his tight beats and slick spins.

In addition to his music, A\Nal is

known for his onstage charisma.

“It’s definitely a give and take with the audience,” he said.

“So it’s important for me to relax, otherwise I could really hurt myself.

But even so, sometimes I’m sore for a couple of days afterwards. But if that’s what it takes to be on top, so be it. It’s like that Drake song — I started from the bottom, now I’m here.”

BUMSWICKANFARTS

April 2, 2014 • Issue 26, SPOOF ISSUE • Volume 147 • 11

UNB admin attempt Ellen selfie; fail due to sheer size Pizza Whisperer Semicolon ninja A photo taken by the UNB administration is causing some buzz on campus — for all the wrong reasons.

In the wake of the record-breaking selfie taken by Oscars host Ellen Degeneres, UNB officials decided to conduct a re-creation in an attempt to connect with students and appear “hip.”

“Selfie” is the term coined for a photo one takes of oneself. Selfies are most frequently taken on cellular telephones or portable laptop computers. It is not uncommon for young people to take and share many selfies, but when adults over 40 partake in the activity, things quickly turn awkward.

Ellen’s spontaneous selfie featured many celebrities posing together, and quickly went viral on the popular social media site Twitter.

When the UNB administration attempted to re-create the photo, however, they ran into difficulties.

“It seems that the university ad-

The most dissapointing albums of the semester.

by Jem Cretes

Pharrell Williams — G I R L It’s hard to argue that there is a bigger artist right now than Pharrell Williams. From “Blurred Lines” and “Get Lucky,” to his hat and Adidas endorsement, one of music’s biggest producers had everything going for him with his second solo album, G I R L. Unfortunately, with Pharrell having done so much throughout his career, there was nothing really new on the record. The guitars on “Gush” remind of those on “Get Lucky” and “Come Get It Bae” could be any song he has produced for Jay-Z in recent memory. Throughout his career Pharrell has proven, whether it is with N.E.R.D. or his other solo album, In My Mind that his best work is done on other people’s projects, so if G I R L disappoints, all we have to do is wait for someone else to enlist his help — and that shouldn’t take long at all.

Schoolboy Q— Oxymoron A week after Schoolboy Q released his latest album, Oxymoron, he revealed that he was forced to make compromises on it. In an interview, he said that he was told by his record company that he had to have three radio songs (“Man of the Year,” “Collard Greens,” and “Break the Bank”), and ultimately that he regretted signing with a major label. “Maybe I thought I was going to slip through the cracks. It didn’t work like that,” he explained. Now the album does have some great songs, and even the tracks he may not have wanted to include will be what most people remember from Oxymoron, but from a lyrical perspective he is constantly outshone by his guests, and he ultimately falls short of the bar that he and his peers set. It’s not a bad album, but the fact that Q thinks it could have been better says it all.

ministration is too large to fit in one selfie,” said a UNB spokesperson.

“Which I guess we should have all seen coming, given that we hire five new people every week with no signs of slowing down.”

UNB president Eddy Campbell was adamant that the photo’s failure was due to the fact that he has incredibly short arms.

“That’s the key to a good selfie, the arms,” said Campbell, who apparently has a Twitter account.

Although the photo initially got no retweets, students eventually found it and passed it around as entertainment.

“They did manage to f it 37 people in the selfie, but over 200 administrators were left out,” said a student. “I think they’re trying to seem cool so that we like them, but participating in pop culture really doesn’t hide the fact that there are so many of them.”

The student then added, “It’s pretty fuckin’ dumb.”

Campus security gets hot new ride

Dear

Dear Ironic, Your time would have been much better spent actually asking a newspaper columnist for advice. Your boyfriend is wrong. I’ve heard of this wonderful up-and-coming student columnist who is currently attending the University of New Brunswick, and she has changed the lives of many for the better. She would give you great advice I’m sure. You should probably break up with your boyfriend, as he clearly doesn’t support your beliefs.

Affectionately, Ari

Ari.

If you have a question for Dear Ari, email Arts@thebruns.ca with the subject line “Dear Ari,” or tweet her @AskDearAri

Dear Ari, I am a cool person and I like to meet other cool people, so sometimes I have parties in the SUB for cool people. I even offer free drinks to show how cool I am! But no one is showing up and that makes me sad!!

What should I do?

Sincerely, Coolguy Tony Dear Coolguy, Have you thought of spiking those drinks? A little bit of peace punch can really tone down tensions.

Try putting out a survey of how UNB students define coolness. Become a carbon copy of that. Quote popular rap music. The kids like rap music. Learn to twerk (you’ll only be a few months behind). Take selfies and togethersies and be sure to post them on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. You

Dear Ari, Will you marry me?

Sincerely, Future Mr. Dear Ari (hopefully)

should also download Tinder. If ANYBODY at all is interested in meeting you, you’ll find out there.

Try spray painting your face on the walls of all buildings, and tag it with “Tuesdayz with Tony”. That will definitely get everyone’s attention. You’re welcome for the clever event title.

Most importantly, give people money.

Money buys happiness and friends.

Affectionately, Ari Dear Ari, My boyfriend says I should not ask a newspaper columnist for relationship advice.

I think I should though. How do we resolve this disagreement?

Sincerely, Ironic Irma

Dear Future, Are you Jewish?

Will you read me poetry in deep dulcet tones?

Like, do you have a car?

Will you make a lot of money?

Will you attend plays and musicals with me?

Have you ever seen the rain?

Will you watch every Tom Hanks movie with me over and over again, and assist me in my dream to one day encounter him?

DO YOU LIKE CATS? Enough to own one or ten?

If you have answered yes to all of these questions, you may forward your resume and cover letter to arts@thebruns.ca. Please include a photo.

Tentatively, Ari

Don Draper Playboy Ass-Man UNB Security, A.K.A. the Red Hornets announced last Friday the purchase of a high-speed interceptor vehicle for the Fredericton campus.

The vehicle, from Ferrari, is part of a new line of specialty vehicles for police and fire departments.

“The vehicle, known as Tim Hortons Cruiser (THC), will cut offcampus DST, or donut-seeking time, in half,” said Lief Erikson, director of campus security. “Why, with this thing we can be downtown, through Tim’s drive-thru and back before anyone knows we’re gone.”

Recent studies have shown that campus security forces, just like

regular police departments, need to be properly caffeinated, so the THC is just a small part of bringing UNB’s security force into the 21st century. “ We can’t have t hem sitt ing around all day brewing coffee ‘cause that’s against Sodexo’s contract,” Erikson said.

The new vehicle is all about campus security having a more positive presence on campus.

“Why, with this baby, everyone’s going to be looking at us, plus the chicks are going to love it,” Erikson said.

“Oh yeah baby, chicks dig the car.”

UNB security’s new Tim Hortons Cruiser will speed up the job.

Courtesy of, I’m not too sure / The Bumswickan

BUMSWICKANFARTS

12 • April 2, 2014 • Issue 26, SPOOF ISSUE • Volume 147

Council recognizes that students still don’t know what NBSA is Ziggy Creamcheese Nartstigator

After years of debating at council meetings, which no students attend, the UNBSU passed a motion on Sunday to acknowledge that no students other than them know what the New Brunswick Student Alliance (NBSA) actually is.

“We’ve been talking about this organization for years,” said UNBSU president Ted Sharpney. “And even after pouring a shit-ton of money into it, it’s clear nobody besides us knows what the fuck this thing is.

It’s time to finally acknowledge this officially.”

However, UNBSU vice-president external Brad Freakily disagreed. Freakily has been working

on NBSA’s board this year, patting himself on the back every time the organization does payroll.

“Shaking hands with men in suits is the most effective way to bring positive change for students,” Freakily said.

Despite Freakily’s repeated assertions about how awesome he looks shaking hands with greying politicians, council remained unconvinced that students know what the NBSA is.

The motion passed almost unanimously, with the one opposing vote being from Freakily.

“You’re all going against students’ wishes,” Freakily said as he stormed out of the room.

Students freeze to death in Carleton Hall Leonardo da Vinci Genius Three students were found frozen to death in the lower floor of Carleton Hall, the result of a long winter and an extended semester.

The students were found huddled together in the rear of the Carleton 106 lecture hall, surrounding a gutted overhead projector with a pile of charred acetate transparencies found inside.

It appears they survived for some time on the small fire they were able to start, before the cold and the fumes felled them. As the semester waned on, however, their chances of survival dropped to zero.

“Before the strike, they might have had a chance of holding on until early April,” coroner Marcus Briggs explained. “But with the extension of the school year — these poor bastards never stood a chance.”

According to Environment Canada, temperatures of -28 to -39 degrees Celsius carry the risk of

frostbite on exposed skin within 10 to 30 minutes and hypothermia results after long periods without adequate clothing or shelter from wind and cold.

Experts are now speculating on what kind of curriculum could have led these students to spend long hours in such a frigid environment, with only pub crawl T-shirts and baseball caps for protection.

“Had they been science or engineering students, their exposure to the conditions in Carleton would have been limited — typically we only see mild freezing of the extremities after a 40-minute lecture,” Briggs said.

“But from the severe frostbite on these individuals — entire fingers and toes missing — we can only accept that they were arts students.”

Sally Cleavage, associate vicepresident academic, said the deaths were an unfortunate side-effect of budget cuts.

“We’ve had to cut $1.2 million from the academic budget alone for

the upcoming year,” she explained.

While Cleavage said that the UNB administration was regretful of the incident, according to her there simply aren’t any funds available for luxuries such as centralized heating.

“And of course that money’s been earmarked for the construction of the new Richard J. Currie Memorial Ziggurat — Dr. Currie plans to expire soon and he wants his personal mausoleum/ kinesiology facility ready by the next academic year.”

As UNB’s aging facilities are facing $200 million of deferred maintenance, with no plans to renovate them anytime soon, students are aware that they must watch out for their own safety in the meantime.

“Bring some of t hose ha ndwarmer packets — stuff them in your mitts — and you should have enough feeling in your hands to still take notes,” said student Brian Connors.

“I usually bring some for the other folks in the lecture — I’ve lost too many friends to the elements this semester.”

UNB takes $100 prize money from student Charlie Lezwis Nartstigator UNB has claimed a $100 prepaid Visa gift card won by a student in a residence challenge.

The university is arguing that since it was won on the university property, it belongs to them.

“Due to all the risk the university has, we have to do everything we can to save money,” said UNB vicepresident finance, Dan Furry. “Even students have to make sacrifices.”

This event comes shortly after the university claimed the treasure won by three UNB students after a grizzly encounter with actual dragons on CBC’s show Dragons’ Den, arguing intellectual property rights.

“You can’t screw some students over and not others,” said Furry.

“That creates an unhealthy learning environment and that’s not what we want to portray.”

However, Lance Grover, the student who won the card, said he has sacrificed enough for UNB.

“I already gave up eating any nutritious meals to pay my tuition. I’m pretty sure I have tapeworms now from eating all these Mr. Noodles,” Grover said.

“I was going to use that gift card to pay my power bill, and maybe buy a nice meal . . . but like, that’s fine, the darkness in my apartment reflects the darkness in my soul since coming here. “ But Furry said he is done with hearing students’ excuses for not supporting the university’s core mission: to save money for risks that won’t even happen.

“We ‘re already cutting $1.2 million from the faculties; where else are we going to cut? Asking the students to make sacrifices is the next logical economic step,” Furry said.

When the Bumswickan asked Furr y about the possibility of cutting his own salary, or cutting administration in general, he responded by putting his fingers in his ears and yelling “NAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!”

UNB claimed a $100 dollar prepaid Visa card prize from a student because it was won on university property. Mandre / The Bumswickan

CHECK OUT THEBRUNS.CA FOR ACTUAL STORIES TOO. NOT SPOOF ONES. WE ACTUALLY HAVE SOME REAL CONTENT. OMG WHY HAVEN’T YOU GONE TO THE WEBSITE YET?!?!?!

April 2, 2014 • Issue 26, SPOOF ISSUE • Volume 147 • 13

THE BUMS

SHARTS Lebron James Sharts Editor Coach Dike Mollimore announced Friday the Red Bombers will be changing their look.

But don’t worry; they’ll still look as good as before — even better.

“We’ve decided to enter into the lingerie league,” said Mollimore. “I think it will give us an advantage over the rest — more aerodynamic.”

With the changing of the uniforms comes the changing of the name. The former “Bombers” will now be representing UNB with the title of The Red Bettys.

Until now, the lingerie league had been strictly for women. However, in hopes of breaking the barrier between the genders and making all things equal, Mollimore made the leap to enter into the league.

Receiver Fatty May, a veteran on the team, said he is hoping it will help fill the gaps in their defensive line.

“The defence has more holes than Josh Fleck’s fishnet stockings,” he said, referring to a former teammate-turnedpro. “I’m hoping, since we’re playing all women, it will help us get a few victories on our side.”

Runningback Mave Foolofhickeys, another veteran on the team, is a little skeptical of the new look.

He thinks the team won’t be taken seriously.

“I’ve seen the way the women are

Next years UNB red Bombers Opponent. Some guy who has a great, great job / Submitted

Red Bombers to enter into lingerie league objectified in the league,” he said. “I am nervous we won’t be held to that standard. They may just come to the games to watch us play. What if that happens?”

Since the announcement of the league transfer, the men have been a more frequent sight at the Curry Leaf Centre – a beach-ready body is a must.

“We’ve upped our training regimen to three days a week — for 45 minutes a day — to get ourselves in shape for the season,” said Foolofhickeys.

PANEL

Coach Mollimore was unable to confirm whether or not the men would be wearing Victor’s Secret or La Menza, but said the crowd should anticipate something great.

“Our men can pull off the colour red really well,” he said. “We’re lucky to have such a diverse team, with so many options available to us in terms of shades.”

The men play their first game on Aug. 24 against the UNBSJ Sea Hogs.

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BUMSWICKANSHARTS

14 • April 2, 2014 • Issue 26, SPOOF ISSUE • Volume 147

Name change for Currie Center [SIC]?

Jennifre [sic] Wiggins 4th grade spelling bee champ

The Currie Center is may get a name change.

Troy Allorn / The Bumswickan

The Richard J. Currie Center [sic] is undergoing a proposal for a name change.

The proposal stems from UNB’s new initiative to improve the New Brunswick literacy rate by leading by example, and the spelling mistake on the Currie Center [sic] is the first thing to go.

“It’s hideous and, worst of all, it’s facing outward to the world,” said UNB’s dean of education Richard Sherman. “When you try me with a sorry businessman like Currie, that’s

UNB barking up the Tony tree Quackadilly Blip News Editor The University of New Brunswick has a new face on campus, and a new name on their sports teams’ jerseys come next fall.

The newly-renamed UNB Bulldogs will be taking on the Atlantic University Sport (AUS) competition in place of the Reds name that has stuck with the university for more than 100 years. A long with the name-change comes the addition of UNB’s new mascot, Tony Baker, who will lead the Bulldog name for years to come.

Athletic director John Richard, who proposed the name-change to a board of athletic advisors, marketers, and coaches for the university last week, said that the Varsity Reds name just needed a revamp.

“UNB has always been a school with a very high respect for tradition, but sometimes changes are needed and fresh faces are slotted in,” said Richard.

He also touched on Tony adjusting to mascot life.

“We couldn’t be happier with

Tony’s commitment level, but Tony is demanding. We had to get three different interior decorators and change his office five times before he seemed comfortable in it.”

Brent Baker, the men’s head basketball coach, and owner/best buddy of UNB’s new favourite face, is just as excited about Tony’s opportunity as Tony himself.

“He really is a special pup,” said Baker. “He loves the spotlight, and it’s like he doesn’t realize he’s that big a deal, when in fact he is.”

Even though most athletes are very on-board with the name and mascot change, coaches seem to have mixed emotions about the modification.

“We changed the name to what?” inquired men’s volleyball head coach Dan McMorran. “We’re changing the name to Bulldogs . . . and I already ordered new jerseys for next year with Varsity Reds on them.

Whose idea was this?”

Initial dismay was very understandable, but after coach McMorran heard that Tony Baker would be the new Bulldog mascot, he decisively warmed up to the idea.

Other coaches around the Currie Center [sic] have their own opinion on the subject.

Women’s volleyball head coach Jill Goulet loves the idea of the teams being named Bulldogs.

“I love having Tony around as part of the UNB family,” said Goulet.

“Seeing him waddle up and down the halls of the Currie always brightens my day.”

Women’s basketball head coach Jeff Speedy, who will also be seeing more of Tony around the Currie Center [sic], declined to comment on the subject but is rumoured to be euphoric about our latest figurehead, and has been sneaking Tony dog treats regularly.

When asked how he felt about his new role as mascot for UNB, Tony, salivating, was simply speechless during a press conference on Friday. Obviously UNB’s new favorite canine is a man of little words, but is drooling over his bright future.

the result you’re going to get. Don’t ever talk about me.”

Currie donated $20 million to build the Currie Center [sic], which is the single largest donation ever made to a university, and UNB is keeping the contribution to pay for the renaming.

Part of the money also went to the $200 repayment students received after the strike.

“It’s his own fault if he can’t spell right,” a university spokesperson said.

“Sucks to be him.”

The Currie Center [sic] recently underwent a $100,000 renovation to change the main desk from one side of the room to the other (no seriously,

this happened in real life) and talks are also underway to purchase nine-foot basketball hoops so Javon Masters can actually dunk in practice next year.

Among the suggestions to replace the name atop the Currie Center [sic] include the MacKenzie Wash Barn, the Mario Training Centre, or Jillian’s Gauntlet.

The now-named Lady Beaverbrook Gym is also under consideration to be renamed either Ryan’s Cold Pit or the Geoff Mabey We Should Just Leave The Names Alone…Centre. With an “RE.” Because that’s how shit is supposed to be spelled in Canada. C’mon UNB, get your shit together FFS.

GMac to the ‘Cats HF Boards guy The Bumswickan UNB V-Reds men’s hockey head coach Gardiner MacDougall has officially become like most New Brunswickers and will get an Irvingsigned paycheque next year.

The long-time bench boss and four-time UNB moustache of the year winner announced yesterday that he’s taken the head coaching job of the Moncton Wildcats — a position that he turned down last year because he was determined to break the streak of not winning a CIS national championship in even-numbered years; t’was not the case this year.

But the question on everyone’s mind is whether MacDougall will be able to harness his recruiting skills in the QMJHL. Harry Pottle of the Fredericton ServiceMaster YourCompanyNameHere Midget AAA Canadiens is the projected first overall pick in the upcoming QMJHL Entry Draft and got a call from MacDougall after the Midget Habs’ 4-3 overtime win against Saint John last night. Like, immediately after.

“I was in the middle of taking my skates off and my phone rang. It was GMac,” Pottle said. “He said how he wanted me to play for the Wildcats next year and said I could be a national champion.”

The Wildcats made the playoffs again this year — nobody can really remember when they last missed the playoffs — and finished eighth in regular season standings. So, it can only be assumed that the Wildcats are going to trade for the first overall pick. We’re hearing Christophe Lalonde may be on the trading block.

It’s also being tossed around that the Irvings will supply the team with the first overall selection with a hefty load of lumber for a new barn, which now brings to light the new forestry plan.

Is David Alward making deals in the Q? Woah.

Now the search begins for MacDougall’s successor. Among the names being rumoured are Troy Ryan, R ichard Currie and Ned Flanders.

2013 Gardiner MacDougall, not 2014. Group pic!!W / The Bumnswickan

BUMSWICKANSHARTS

April 2, 2014 • Issue 26, SPOOF ISSUE • Volume 147 • 15

The phantom of the defence | George Lucas to coach team

In a galaxy not so far away, George Lucas will coach the Varsity Reds. Lego Vader / The Bumswickan Lebron James Sharts Editor Star Wars fans are flocking to Fredericton to see the UNB men’s soccer team play; the reason why may be a little surprising.

George Lucas, creator of the popular Star Wars franchise, has decided to coach the UNB men’s soccer team — the Vader Reds.

He decided to come to Fredericton after men’s soccer head coach Metres Pensent recruited the fan favourite to come coach the team’s goalie roster.

“I have studied his movies since I was a kid,” said Pensent. “From what I see he knows how to set up a good defensive line and defeat all other ‘teams.’ ” Lucas said he is hoping to implement a shassa style of defence – a mysterious

old battle curse.

From the discussion, it seems as though inspiration from his movies will play a crucial role in his attacking style.

“My team will indeed be much like my movies,” said Lucas. “I feel as though it is always a battle of good against evil — us against them — so I want them to feel as though this really is war.”

When asked his feelings on the men finishing third at nationals last season, he said he will be using it as a stepping stone for the coming season.

“Hey, Sith happens,” he said. “We’ll train as hard as we can and then leave it to the cosmic deck.”

The 69-year-old director, screenwriter, producer and entrepreneur was hesitant at first about coming to such a

How to be a sports announcer:

Sports clichés for the everyday fan TinTin Stalin The Bumswickan Sports announcers have been around for years — and the same sports clichés have been used over and over again. So with a new V-Reds season upon us, here is a look at possible new sports clichés for announcers young and old.

This Week’s Sport: Quidditch 1. If Ron Weasley continues making big saves: “He is locking everything down like Azkaban! Only a sirius shot could break through.”

2. During a boring game: “What am I, a house elf? I’m getting nothing from this! This is Riddikulus.”

3. After a team takes a dominant lead: “They continue to rake in big

points every day! I guess this is just their daily profit.”

4. When you spot a wizard hipster at a game: “That is so Nimbus 2000!”

5. On a missed Bludger hit: “Oh bloody hell, I’ve seen a better hit from the Whomping Willow!”

6. When Draco Malfoy uses dirty tactics: “How is Draco still alive!? He is leaving a dark mark on this game.”

7. When Harry Potter gets knocked down by a Bludger: “Not even his mother’s eyes could help him see that Bludger. Boom! Head shot!”

8. When the Golden Snitch is released: “. . . why don’t they just use Accio Snitch?”

heavily-populated area as Fredericton.

But his nerves were put at ease once he realized that no one recognized his face.

“It wasn’t until I said who I was that anyone really knew,” he said “But even then, the younger generation just responded with ‘that’s nice.’”

Lucas’s final words were simply that he is excited to get to work with the team.

“May the force be strong with these ones.”

Editor’s note: the previous publishing of the article had a grammatical error. Lucas is to coach the “soccer” team, not the “seccar” team – he will not be coaching a galaxy-wide public security office. Thank you Wookiepedia for catching the error.

BUMSWICKANSHARTS

16 • April 2, 2014 • Issue 26, SPOOF ISSUE • Volume 147

McConnell Hall to be demolished and rebuilt six feet to the left Pizza Whisperer Nartstigator In a move to better serve UNB students, the campus’s main meal hall is being completely demolished and rebuilt six feet to the left.

This project is the second stage in a move to make small changes to campus infrastructure in efforts to improve their effectiveness. The first project was December’s $100,000 relocation of the Currie Center’s front desk. [Editor’s note: This actually happened. They literally spent a hundred thousand dollars to make the desk face a different direction.

See our Dec. 4 issue for all the deets.]

Facilities Management director Aaron Carter said of the renovation, “We’re excited to see this happen with McConnell Hall. I know students have been waiting for this change for a long time, and now it’s finally becoming a reality.”

“Moving the meal hall six feet to the left will really benefit students,” said director of RLCCS, Sally Cleavage. “They will have better access to

the building and it will streamline the whole process.”

When the Bumswickan roamed the halls of Lickmy Beaver Residence, they were met with opinions opposing those of the university’s administration.

“What the fuck?!” said one of the McDonald twins — we’re not sure which.

“No but, how does this actually benef it students?” inquired the other. “I have no idea how this is going to help us in any way. It’s a total waste of time and money.”

Carter maintains that the change is mandatory to help facilitate student access the meal hall. This project will cost approximately $16 million and will result in a tuition hike so large that it will even affect alumni.

UNB’s next step is to convert the seven women’s washrooms in Head Hall to men’s washrooms, resulting in a total of 18 for men. This is to better serve the majority of the population in the building.

President C. Soups denies wrongdoing in bus fiasco Lebron James Sharts Editor Fredericton residents are outraged after U NB president Campbell Soups pulled strings to get all Fredericton buses rerouted to pick up drunken Red Bombers in Quebec.

Soups said he had nothing to do with pulling strings at the Fredericton Transit System (FTS).

“I am not in the wrong here,” a frustrated Soups told Bumswickan reporters. “I know there are phone records of me calling the FTS and

I know there are photos of us on the buses, but you can’t prove anything.”

The incident started Tuesday night when Soups was a no-show at city council, instead going to coach the Bombers in their semifinal playoff game. The Bombers won the game after it was stopped early because of an illegal tackle and the Soaring Eagles — the rival team — confronted the referee and threatened to “knock off his hat.”

Police were called to the scene and requested a FTS bus to transport Soups’s team back to UNB.

The Red Bombers Express. Mandre / The Bumswickan

Passengers on all FTS buses were asked to exit the vehicle and were left in the middle of nowhere — on the Hanwell road.

Soups was under scrutiny for the incident after records showed he made a call on behalf of the police department and asked a favour from his FTS buddy Frederick Transeet.

“He called and asked me to reroute all buses to Quebec,” said Transeet. “I owed him one after he got me a good deal on the white snow.”

Soups would not take any more questions from the Bumswickan.