Discovering a Child’s Love Language
HOW TO RELATE TO A CHILD WITH THIS LOVE LANGUAGE:
By Danie Koskan It was one of those mornings when my boys needed me, and I repeatedly waved them off with one of those mom looks that say, “Go play and don’t come back until you’re old enough to drive.” But the more I ignored their pleas for affirmation, touch, and time, the more raucous my trio grew. I finally came to my mom senses and realized my kids’ “love tanks” were running on empty. They were out of love. So, I dropped everything and spent the next hour reminding my eldest child how much I appreciate him, giving my middle man lots of hugs, and intently listening as my youngest son went on and on about everything under the sun. Three kids, and three very different ways of feeling loved. In the book The Five Love Languages of Children, the authors present the concept that our children’s emotional “love tanks” need to be kept full by speaking to their particular love language. When we speak love to our kids, they’re less inclined to beg, steal, and borrow for our attention. My rowdy little men were happy to run along and play once I took the time to talk to each boy in a language only he understood. To help you understand the ideas in the book, this chart summarizes each of the love languages. You may find that your child shows each of the love languages at different times and that their preferred language changes as they get older. This is perfectly fine, as it is really about connecting with your child and keeping their emotional tanks full so they can remain happy and confident individuals at home, school, and through after-school activities. 30
Black Hills Parent
Words of Affirmation
Acts of Service
Receiving Gifts
Physical Touch
Quality Time
Describes the Child
Actions to Take
Likes others to tell them they did a good job. Favorite words include: Terrific! You did it! You’re #1! Awesome kid! I’m so proud of you!
Compliment aloud. Praise them around others. Always say “I Love You”. Write a message on their bathroom mirror. Place notes in their lunchbox.
Likes it when people do nice things for them. For example, help with: Chores School projects Homework Making snacks
Practice sports together. Work together on a project. Check their homework. Pick them up on time. Do a chore for them. Teach them how to help and serve others.
Feels good when they receive something. Giving presents to others is important to them, as well. Enjoys receiving: Special presents Earning or being surprised with treats Having their favorite food made for them
Keep a small stash of inexpensive gifts. Give a flower or stone you find outside to them. Leave gifts for them when you’re out of town. Go shopping with them for a special gift. Send them on a homemade treasure hunt.
Loves to receive hugs and kisses, high fives, cuddle, and asks to be carried. Loves physical activity like: Racing and tag Rough and tumble wrestling Climbing onto your lap
Hold hands and hug often. Have your child sit in a beanbag chair to bring a them a sense of calmness. Sing action songs. Have some tickle fun. Plan family physical activities for outside.
Loves your undivided attention and wants to sit next to you or have you watch while he’s playing. Loves to spend 1:1 time with you while: Watching a movie Going out to eat Running errands Playing a game
Run errands together (just the two of you). Ask about their day and really listen to the details while making eye contact. Eat meals together several times a week. Read together. Play video games together.