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December 1, 2016


december 1 2016



sorting hat quiz, Rita Skeeter's roundup, overheards




Harry Potter erotica


eotw: Tage Sinha Das, best Penn places to feel like you're at Hogwarts




wands, harry potter apps, muggle-splains Internet

11 FEATURE shoutouts


cockroach clusters, 7 ways to cover up a forehead scar, dating advice



18 F&TV

how I met your muggle mother, MTV cribs: Moaning Myrtle's bathroom stall


harry potter house plant guide, best scarves to hide your second face


whartonite becomes a dementor, Hogwarts exchange student

Maxwell Harrison Jackie Nickpour Gomian Konneh Jacob Snipes Peter Romanello Amy Juang Neol Zheng Leina Betzer Leigh Ann Eisenhauer Olivia Weis Anne Marie Grudem Kaite Fazio Molly Hessel Aliya Chaudry Francesca Reznik Natalia Sanchez-Nigolian Jackson Price Caroline Simon Amanda Hulse Sara Seyed

Kelly Heinz Talyor Salomon Phillipe Atallah Leina Betzer Cathy Shang Jen Juang Sara Seyedroubari Michelle Shen Sabrina Qiao Ari Lewis Grace Lee Philippe Atallah Cathy Shang Morgan Savige Claudia Silver Emily Cieslak Jacob Gaber-Rico Annika Iyer Coyer Stern The 132

34TH STREET MAGAZINE Emily Johns, Head Witch in Charge Mikaela Gilbert–Lurie, Hedwig Giulia Imholte, Molly Weasley Jeffrey Yang, Voldemort Remi Lederman, Remis Lupin Corey Fader, Corey-neilus Fudge Genevieve Glatsky, Luna Lovegood Orly Greenberg, Dumbledorly Mark Paraskevas, Trevor Dani Blum, Some Dank Ass Gillyweed Julie Levitan, Julie Wingardium Leviosa Genny Hagedorn, Rubeus Hagridorn Stephanie Barron, The Bloody Barron Emily Schwartz, Minerva McGonagall Jack Cody, JaCo Malfoy Sydney Hard, Squibney Hard Alix Steerman, Alix Butterbeerman Jackie Lawyer, The Snitch 2

Mike Coyne, Mike Galleon Liz Heit, Fleur Delacour Zoe Albano–Oritt, Crookshanks Jamie Gobreski, Jamies Potter Olivia Fitzpatrick, Filius Fitzwick Colin Lodewick, Professor Sprout Claris Park, Claris (Pansy) Parkinson Nick Joyner, Dolores Umbridge Dayzia Terry, Bellatrix Lestrange Caroline Harris, Dobby Aaron Kim, Professor McGonagall Haley Weiss, Ha-Lee Jordan Andreas Pavlou, Neville's gran Katie Marshall, Katie Scar-shall Andrea Begleiter, Nymphandrea Tonks Nadia Kim, Bartmius Crouch Sofie Praestgaard, Mad-Eye Moody Zack Greenstein, Sirius Zack Carissa Zou, Lavender Brown

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Gloria Yuen, Rowena Ravenclaw Anne Marie Grudem, Colin Creevey Alex Fisher, Salextar Slytheryn Julie Chu Cheong, Helga Hufflepuff Brinda Ramesh, George Weasley Young Lee, Youngdungus Fletcher Sara Thalheimer, Sarazar Slytherin Annabelle Williams, Granger Zone Morgan Potts, Moaning Myrtle Kyler McVay, Dudley Dursley Perren Carillo, Imper(ren)ius curse Sofia Price, Gringots owner Sanika Puranik, Amelia Bones Staff Writers: Hallie Brookman, Hannah Noyes, Johanna Matt, Nick Castoria & Amanda Rota

Staff Photographers: Gian Paul Graziosi Contributors: Scott Rubenstein, Sarah Tidwell, Amanda Rota, Amanda Hulse, Annika Iyer, Emily Cieslak, Morgan Savige Unless otherwise noted, all photos are by Corey Fader, Alex Fisher, Brinda Ramesh and Julie Chu Cheong. Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Emily Johns, Editor–in–Chief, at You can also call us at (215) 422-4640. "There's a lot of oral." ©2016 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a-okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015





When the Sorting Hat is actually the wizarding world equivalent to dirty rush.

While the Sorting Hat has final say, Highbrow’s got a few tricks up our cloak sleeves to make sure you Slytherin to the right house.


Do all the brain age puzzles and take a full course load of philosophy classes. You need to be sharper than the teeth of a Cornish Pixie to make the cut for this house of witty wizards. It wouldn’t hurt to brush up on some useless facts by playing all versions of trivial pursuit with your family over break—and remember that The Quibbler is absolutely to be taken in all seriousness. If all else fails, steal a crown from your mother, give it to a thoroughly disturbed boy, wait until he turns into a dark lord and uses it as a horcrux and then reveal its location really cryptically to the latest chosen one. Do this and the Sorting Hat will fall in Lovegood with you.


Hufflepuffs are excellent finders, so, before you come back from winter break, bust out that Remembrall and

locate any and all lost items. It also would probably be in your best interest to stalk Eddie Redmayne and worship the ground he walks on, as he is a truly accomplished Hufflepuff, but that’s just a life tip. Show off your desire to work for the common good by permanently putting to rest those sequined Uggs you still have in your closet from middle school—even if they’re the most comfortable slices of heaven you or Cedric Diggory ever stepped your weary feet into.


So you’re probably a triple legacy, or at least a double—the rules have gotten so lax these days it’s hard to say anymore—, but one of your family members was definitely in this house. Don’t think you’re a shoe–in, though. Spend your holiday stewing in rage and then let it all out on the first redhead you see in hand–me–down clothes. It would help if you lacked in morals but excelled in determination. It’s not necessary to Severus all ties with people in other houses, but you should toy around with the idea of what would happen should you rearrange

THEROUNDUP Rita Skeeter here. For those who don’t know, I’m the witchiest woman with a quill and I’m not afraid to use it. If you’re upset about me dragon your name through the mud, welcome to the real wizarding world, where your own little chambers of secrets don’t exist. So buckle up first–years, because this past week was enchantingly eventful. Not everyone likes a snitch, but I certainly do. It appears students weren’t the only Yule Ball attendees who boozed a little too much on Butterbeer this past Saturday. After a heated grind session out on the dance floor, our resident gamekeeper and the Beauxbatons Academy headmistress

the letters in your name. It’s best if you don’t have any outstanding forearm tattoos either—best to save that space for extracurriculars you might pick up hanging out with some Lestrangers down the road.


If you want to Weasley your way into Gryffindor, it helps to have some Sirius courage. If there’s a really tall kid on your floor who looks a little rough around the edges but is weirdly into animals and motorcycles, befriend him. Same with the ginger and the annoyingly smart girl with fluffy hair. They’ll either drag you into or help get you out of trouble during your remaining years at school. It would probably be in your best interest to pick up the latest in broom technology and carry it around with you whether or not you’re heading to Quidditch practice. Most of all, if there’s one thing we and Albus Severus learned, it’s that the Sorting Hat will take your bias into consideration and all you need to do is ask. Mischief Managed.

disapparated to the 3rd floor Prefects bathroom, where students reported hearing aggressive sex noises. Owing to the fact that the two comprise 1.5 giants, and it’s well known giant sex is the loudest and most BDSM–infused form of magical coitus, it’s no surprise some Hufflepuff first–years heard them down the hall. Thankfully, the terrified students didn't enter the bathroom, and thus become traumatized further. Ten points to Madame Maxime for giving Hagrid the real Tour de France this weekend. Speaking of points, tensions were high after Gryffindor beat Slytherin last week in the final Quidditch match of the season. Unwillingly to be completely upstaged, Hogwarts’ favorite bleachblond bad boy enlisted his friends in crashing Gryffindor’s celebratory festivities. After snogging

over heard PENN Wannabe–headless Nick: You would think, wouldn’t you, that getting hit 45 times in the neck with a blunt axe would qualify you to join the Headless Hunt? Half an inch of skin and sinew holding my neck on… Most people would think that’s good and beheaded. Snape on dealing with poisoned (read: drunk) friends: Just shove a bezoar down their throat. TMI Headmaster: I took a wrong turn on the way to the bathroom and found myself in a beautifully proportioned room I had never seen before, containing a really rather magnificent collection of chamberpots. Lavender Brown confronting a Skewrt: What’s that pointy thing on it?

the Fat Lady in order to gain admittance to the house’s common room, Draco Malfoy and his Slytherin kin unleashed a score of Cornish Pixies among the crowd. The pesky blue rascals wreaked absolute havoc on the scene, which included hoisting Neville Longbottom on a chandelier for a record second time in his unlucky life. It took at least an hour to get the situation under control, after the pixies effectively demen–tor the common room apart. We’re unsure what kind of retaliation might ensue, but we already know revenge is spelled W– E–A–S–L–E–Y. Beware Draco, or a pair of gingers might Fawkes you up. The Round Up is a gossip column and the stories are gathered though tips and word of mouth. Although we verify all the information in the Round Up with multiple sources, the column should be regarded as campus buzz and not as fact.

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word on the STREET


I received a lot of unsolicited dating advice before going abroad in London. Don’t get drunk and go home with strange foreigners. Don’t hook up with a guy just because you like his accent. Europeans are freaks in bed. At the time I nodded, smiled and proceeded to them tune out favor of my own posh fantasies. But now, as I laid alone in my bed — sex–sore and slightly hungover — I watched a drop of bright green goo run the length of my bedroom wall, I wondered if maybe one of those cautionary tales could have prevented my current predicament. I let another bit of slime fall into the feathered remains of what had once been a down pillow before I could bring myself to peak at the rest of the subleased bedroom I’ve called home for the past two months. It wasn’t impeccably clean when I left to go out the night before, but it certainly hadn’t been adorned with charred marks of various magical explosions along the walls and floor, or a number of loose rose petals and candles that might have been romantic if they weren’t floating mysteriously in mid–air. No, I think I would have noticed if someone had listed these as the possible side effects of going home with a wizard. It wasn’t lost on me that the wizard in question — Teddy Lupin, to be precise — was noticeably absent. I can’t say I’m surprised, though. Being the adopted godson of Harry Potter and orphan of the Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks was bound to result in some… issues. When he had introduced himself as Teddy Lupin at the pub last night, I thought maybe he was blowing me off. Maybe the Brits, polite as they are, replace the standard "not interested" with an obscure Harry Potter reference, just to soften the blow. But I had wasted two shots of liquid courage on him, and I wasn't about to give up that easy. I called his bluff. "Oh, so how's your godfather, Harry Potter, then?" "Quite well, actually," he said without missing a beat, "He's living back in Godric's Hollow with Ginny and the kids. They try to keep a low profile, though, nosy Muggles like yourself have 4

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made that quite a bit more difficult." “Speaking of,” I said quickly, trying to disregard the casual way he referenced what I thought were fictional people and places, “If you were really a wizard, wouldn’t you be avoiding Muggles like me?” He winked. “Now where’s the fun in that?” Before I could call bullshit, he flicked his wrist slightly, drawing my gaze to the tip of a wand peaking out of his shirtsleeve and silently summoning two barstools from across the pub. He sank onto one and, with a flick of his wand, directed the other to nudge playfully against me. His face split into a wolfish grin, and I remembered there might be a trace of Lupin’s werewolf blood running through his veins. Judging by the current clawed state of my headboard, I was correct. I told myself I was just sit for a second, just to let the dizzying wave of disbelief pass before I'd kindly thank him for the show and get the fuck out of there. And that's what I kept telling myself. Just one more minute. Just one drink. Just one more unbelievable story. Just a broom ride home. Until I found myself standing at the edge of my bed, petals and tea candles floating around my head, watching a tall, shaggy haired Brit undress me, button–by–button, from the other side of the room. Watching as his wand — fully exposed now — inched lower and lower, his eyes flicked up to ask permission, before returning to the task at hand. Watching, and wondering how

A night to remember.

Illustration by Anne Marie Grudem the hell I ended up here. And why the hell I liked it so much. But I kept liking it, even as the petals and candles gave way to unexplained explosions and shredded bedding—though, I’m still not sure how I feel about the goo. I flopped back against my last remaining pillow and turned to watch the slime drip again. I had told myself, last night, not to get my hopes up. I didn't expect any morning after texts or letters via owl. I didn't expect breakfast or a second date. But I figured he would at least stick around until the morning—if only to obliviate my memory upon waking up. He could have at least helped clean up before disappearing into a cloud of smoke... CRACK! I froze, focused and felt a rising tide of hope creep up my chest, remembering quite vividly the word J.K. Rowling used to describe apparition. Did I just imagine it, or was he coming back? Was he… CRACK!




Team captain Tage S. Das talks Quidditch pong, bangable Hogwarts profs and gender inclusivity. Street: Can you tell us a little about the Penn Quidditch team? Tage Das: We're a lot more of a casual team, just because it’s often hard to get people to come to practices just because everyone’s got work. We're a walk–on team, all levels included. We practice every Saturday on High Rise Field every Saturday from 2–4 p.m. We have our own equipment, we use PVC pipes for brooms, and we also made hoops out of a hula hoop and other PVC pipe sections. There are some more serious teams, a Philadelphia team called the Honey Badgers. They’re a lot more competitive and they’re actual adults and grad students. We try to—just try to take it easy and have fun. Street: Are you a big Harry Potter person, is that what led you to join the team? TD: I personally am. A lot of people who are on the team or who are just involved in Quidditch aren’t just because a lot of people are athletes and when you come to bigger schools, you’re not good enough to be on the school basketball team or the school soccer team so they do things like ultimate frisbee, or intramural soccer or in our case, Quidditch. But I personally am a huge fan and usually the people who start teams are huge fans. Street: If we’re talking Harry Potter, what house do you think you would be in? TD: I would definitely be a Ravenclaw. I’m a mechanical engineer. Street: If you could pick a character that you feel like you most identify with, what character would it be? TD: Okay, the first answer that comes to mind is Hermione,

because I was always kind of that kid in school that nobody would be raising their hand and the teacher wouldn’t want to call on, because I raised my hand for everything so they want to get somebody else. I also really vibe with Luna’s [eccentricity], just super strange but she doesn’t care what other people think. That’s why I’m playing a sport where I’m running around with a broom between my legs, wearing bright colors, throwing balls at people, because what I care is about something that means something and has fun and if it looks funny then who cares. Street: Do you guys do anything Harry Potter themed beyond Quidditch? Any parties or Harry Potter–themed BYOs? TD: Yeah, we occasionally have parties and BYOs in which we’ll watch the movies or we’ll play board games. One of our things, well a lot of people do this, but as a mechanical engineer I have access to the rapid prototyping lab where you can 3D print and laser cut stuff, so I made Quidditch hoops for Quidditch pong, I built those, so we play that a lot.

usually dress in all gold or at least just the gold shorts and they have like — usually, it’s kind of like flag football. They have like a flag with a tennis ball dangling from the back. It’s kind of funny–looking. So they just sort of run around on the field. The seekers are on brooms, they have to try to get around them because the snitch is in the back. The rules used to be a lot looser a few years ago. You could literally just leave the pit and run around the city or run around campus. And then the game would just be proceeding from there. But now we don’t do that, now we just stay on the pit. The snitch is a person. They can just sort of push people around. It’s a lot of fun. That literally happens. A few years ago, I think someone was like — the very very beginning when the rules weren’t sort of ironed out, no one could really expect that the snitch would be like, 'Well, if no one’s

saying I can’t leave the field, I’m gonna.' And then they literally just got on the subway, went to center city, got ice cream and then that was it. Street: Fuck, marry, kill: Hogwarts professors. TD: Fuck Lupin, I mean—he’d definitely be a freak in the sheets. Um, marry… I’d want to marry one of the smarter professors. McGonagall. That’s someone I’d definitely spend my life with. And then kill… I mean I think the obvious choice, the most hated professor is Umbridge. Street: Is there anything we forgot to ask you? TD: There’s one thing I do

want to talk about which is like a big thing for USQ which is the United States Quidditch League. We don’t enforce it as much at Penn and Drexel because we don’t really have to. We have a pretty even team. We do have something called Title 9 and ¾ which is about gender inclusivity. So the rule is that you can’t have more than four people on the same team who identify as the same gender. And that’s completely not forcing any gender definitions. So it’s what you identify as. So if you identify as male or as a guy, then that’s what you go as. If you identify as neither, then that’s what you go as. So it’s just a good way to make sure that the teams can be gender–balanced but then are also as inclusive as we can be for people who don’t want to identify as either or who have other definitions. So that’s something that we’re really proud of, the inclusivity.

Street: Quidditch pong? TD: Yeah, it’s basically just beer pong, we usually use Sprite or water because we’re not that hardcore a group, but then you have to bounce it through the hoops and also into the cups, so, like, it’s just more fun, it’s a little bit harder. A bunch of us saw Fantastic Beasts together and then just in general we’re a nerdy group so I think we’re going to try to see Rogue One together. It’s a small enough group that we know everyone pretty well. Street: How many people are there? TD: The snitch is a person. They D E C E M B E R 1 , 2 016 3 4 T H S T R E E T M A G A Z I N E




THE MOST MAGICAL SPOTS ON CAMPUS Because you need the right setting to take the sorting quiz.


Let's be real: many of us were likely disappointed by the lack of Hogwarts acceptance letters on our eleventh birthdays. We all managed to get accepted into a prestigious university that lacks actual magic, but redeems itself aesthetically and sometimes just captures the very spirit of the wizarding world. We’ve reviewed some of the most Harry Potter–esque places on campus so you can take the most convincing cosplay pictures possible.

FISHER FINE ARTS LIBRARY: The real spell of College Hall? It looks exactly like the admissions brochures we obsessed over in high school. While it's true that the classrooms in College Hall are somewhat underwhelming— okay, let's be honest, they're sad and hot—it looks good on the outside, and that's really all that matters. Plus, it's Amy G's (Gumbledore?) stomping grounds and where all of our acceptance letters were sent out of, which is truly ~magical~.

Maybe you like to study here, or maybe you're too scared to even step foot in this masterpiece of a building for fear you'll be guillotined for sneezing, but either way, Fisher Fine arts is the epitome of grandeur and is probably the kind of thing J.K. Rowling imagined for Hermione (apparently the only person in the books who ever studied for an extended period). With its iconic facade, arresting interior, and trademark silence, it truly feels like you're transported to another world ... that is, before you realize you have to do orgo. If the Fat Lady’s portrait hung in this intimidatingly quiet study spot, we wouldn’t be able to concentrate as hard as we claim to.

HALL OF FLAGS: Whether you’ve been to the Hall of Flags for recruitment or for a Bain info session, you probably felt anxiety in this intimidating room at some point in your Penn career. Despite the lack of mile–long tables and copious amounts of food that appear at the snap of a finger (and no, not the shitty brownies or cheese

plates that they serve at info sessions), Hall of Flags definitely reminds us of the Great Hall in HP. The high ceilings, large–banner flags, and overall ominous, dark (yet somehow comforting at the same time) ambience is reminiscent of the School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

HUNTSMAN HALL: While Huntsman Hall doesn't fit the bill aesthetically, like, at all, it does encapsulate the entirety of the Slytherin ethos. Pottermore might say Slytherin is defined by "resourcefulness,"

but we all know that's just a euphemism for cool rationality and competitiveness, otherwise known as the life force that powers the the lights in GSRs (that and the souls of M&T).

AMY G’S HOUSE: Much like the Chamber of Secrets, only a select few are ever let inside—well, except for the Holiday Party thing, but we’ll let it slide—and it usually remains empty, not even inhabited by its own ruler. Plus, who doesn’t want to know what’s going on behind those (unnecessary) gates? The real similarity, though, comes from the fact 6

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that in order for most to gain entry they must, like with the Chamber of Secrets, speak a rarified language to gain access safely. That is, they must be fluent in Donatingabsurdamountsofmoneytongue, which has some phonetic likenesses to Parseltongue.


COLLEGE JUNIOR ABDUCTS WEASLEY, MUGGLE–SPLAINS THE INTERNET What happens abroad doesn't always stay abroad. Clarissa Hufflebum (C '18) was finishing up her fall semester abroad at King's College London when she came to an earth–shattering realization: "Guys, wizards are real." "I was posing for an Instagram under the Platform 9 3/4 sign at King's Cross Station when a ginger sprinted towards me, rammed his luggage cart into the wall and almost killed me," she said. "I was upset until I realized he was Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger's son and had missed his train back to Hogwarts. Hugo Granger–Weasley is the British boyfriend I've always wanted. So I confused him with words like Snapchat and Facebook, entranced him with the flashlight on

my iPhone 7, seduced him with my feminine wiles and brought him back to my flat. What else was I supposed to have done?" Clarissa, who hasn't been the same since her eleventh birthday passed without a Hogwarts acceptance letter, proceeded to show Hugo all the PokeStops in her neighborhood. Then she handed him a pair of Google Glasses and Muggle– splained the Internet. "I used to always wish I was a witch, but now I know being a Muggle isn't so bad.

There are real perks to not being a wizard. Yeah, we don't have dragons and I can't jet off on a Nimbus 2000, but at least we have texting. All the wizards have are post owls. Can you imagine how frustrating that would be? I don't understand how people express themselves without

emojis." "Hugo asked me what a Google was," Clarissa recalled. "It was adorable." Hugo was unimpressed by the Internet, noting he would rather teleport places, predict the future and interact with ghosts than tag his friends in memes.

"Bloody hell, your life is boring," he exclaimed as Clarissa tried to face–swap with him. At press time, Clarissa was seen using everyday ingredients to try to concoct a love potion.







Smart Tablets Phones


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So, you shamelessly love Harry Potter. Or maybe you want to get with someone who shamelessly loves Harry Potter. Or you've got excess storage on your phone that you want to fill up with some Harry Potter apps. Either way, no judgement—Street is here to give you a quick roundup of apps and websites for Potter obsessives or beginners.

WEBSITES Keep the magic alive from your phone or computer.

HARRY POTTER SPELLS (APP) If you have a souvenir Harry Potter wand from that one trip to Universal Studios Orlando that you don’t quite know what to do with, consider this free, licensed app from Warner Bros. Dueling—it’s a breeze. For an update on spells, a time–waster in lecture or just an indulgence of nerdiness, check it out. HARRY POTTER LEGO (APP) If you want to relive your childhood, or you're just an engineer yearning to build things that don’t require orthographic plots, Lego Harry Potter is for you. There’s one app for years 1–4 and one app for years 5–7. This also makes a good gift for younger siblings, if you're willing to pay $4.99. POTTERMORE (WEBSITE) When J.K. Rowling released Pottermore in 2011, in its beta version on July 31 (Harry Potter’s birthday, if you’re a true obsessive), the die–hard fans stayed up all night to get a beta account, answering a ridiculous trivia question on the Warner Bros website. Accounts

seemed to be in such high demand that our 13–year– old selves decided to stare at a computer machine for six prime sleeping hours. However, for a short while, Pottermore proved worth it. A sorting hat, a house cup, special plot background? Where else could a Potter obsessive learn the identity of McGonagall's first love and the story of the first meeting between the Potters and Dursleys? Pottermore is still going strong, having made its way through all seven Harry Potter books. If you’re still yearning for some Rowling–approved magic, check it out. MUGGLE NET (WEBSITE) Touting itself as the “World’s #1 Harry Potter Site,” MuggleNet houses many speciality sites ranging from an academic podcast to a blog called The Daily Prophet. MuggleNet also hosts trivia, book quotes and discussion forums for a true potter nerd (or, as the true nerds call themselves, Potterheads). HARRY POTTER FANFICTION (WEBSITE) Let’s be real—fanfiction fills that smut–shaped Harry

Potter hole in your heart. In the interest of making her work age–appropriate, Rowling had to omit some

of the real “magic” of adolescent witches and wizards. If you’re hungry for some Harry and Draco sex scenes,

alternate–universe plot lines or some sweet pre–Potter stories, this is the site.

Even college housing

should feel like home.

Contact us today to find your ideal off-campus housing! Fantastic units anywhere from a studio apartment to a 10 bedroom house available near 39th & Pine or 44th & Spruce. Available June 1st. 215.387.4137 ext. 100 | |

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Hello from the Wizarding Side.

Everything's been looking up since I turned my iPhone in for a wand. Before, I lived a life of Muggle–ish mediocrity. Now, I cast spells and concoct potions as the badass wizard I was always meant to be. Are you, too, considering turning your iPhone in for a wand? These are just some of the many ways having a wand can enhance your life at Penn. • • • •

• • •

Hex your physics professor so you never have to take another L. Summon a dragon during SEPTA strikes. Protect yourself from dark sources (*cough* Huntsman). Control minds so that hot guy from your Econ recitation has to fall in love with you. Levitate objects so you never have to get up from the couch again. Turn staircases into slides. Never unlock doors,

• • • •

clean things and pack suitcases again. Stick your writing sem "colleague's" tongue to the roof of his mouth so he is forced to stop talking. Conjure up flocks of birds when you're bored in class. Disarm your enemies (e.g. OCR, harsh graders, the wind tunnel). Cast an invisibility cloak. Create so many explosions.


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have your child.

To the freshman To the guy who pre- who was robbed by tends he's on a jog a pimp in Atlantic to get past the DP City: Did you at least guy at the compass get laid first? despite wearing jeans & crocs and To @yungbenfrankstopping 50 feet lin: I spend more time later: You're fooling no on your page than I do in one. Sincerely, DP guy. my econ lecture.

To everyone: Here they are. To the chair of Mask & Wig: I'd like to sit on that.

To the boy who ghosted me after I threw up in his bed: I think that was an To Phi Delt: Stop asking me, "Who do you overreaction. know here" when I step To my hot philosoonto your porch. I'm your phy TA: Violets are next door neighbor and blue, roses are red, God am trying to get inside is dead, hop in my bed. my house. To Street: Fuck you. It's been four years and To the girl whose nose started bleed- you haven't published ing during the blow- me. job: Thanks for letting me finish. To the SAE boy who thinks his dick is God's gift to women: Your inability to recognize a fake orgasm makes me think you've never given a real one.

To writing seminar: I don't need justificatory reasoning to prove that this is bullshit.

To the A's boy from Homecoming: I think I left my bra in your pantry.

To 24639/UPennAlert: Thank you for being more consistent with your 2 a.m. texts than any of my hookup buddies.

To my sorority sister whose ex I'm now hooking up with: Tough. To whomever controls the music at Theos: Keep blasting it. I get a power trip every time I call the cops on you. To all Penn gentile– men: I'm taking a break from Jewish hookups. Challah at me.

To the TEP sophomore who was confused why I didn't respond to his nudes: Your waxed asshole made me feel like I was getting nudes from a three–year–old.

To HubBub: STOCK MORE FUCKING BAGELS. To freshman flu: Thanks for forcing me to spend all my weed money on tissues and DayQuil.

To Benjamin Franklin: Thanks for building an institution where at any moment I am either fucked, fucking, fucked up or fucking up.

To the freshman To the girl who got girl with a spreadwith my little brothsheet of frat ader in the TEP bathdresses: No words. room: He's 17 and is not in fact a junior at To my semi–conHarvard. sistent Sig Chi hookup: Thanks for To my Wharton turning so many of my roommates: I need sorority sisters into my a trigger warning every eskimo sisters. time you say "Bain."

To Oz: I'm the freshTo my friend who's man girl who leaked the hooking up with two email… My b. guys named Aaron: This is too confusing. To the girl I see To the girl who To the A's boy who walking out of Wawa submitted me to the acted too bougie to To whoever puts each day with Mac Round Up: Joke's on buy the generic verfloss in the SDT and Cheese: Never you, now I'm famous. sion of Plan B: This toilet: This is weird. At change. is why I don't want to least flush.

To MERT: I fucked up. To the girl at a party who heard I was bi and proceeded to smash into my face with her lips: There's experimenting and then there's… whatever the fuck this is. To Pilam: One time I got really high and stole a brick from your roof. My bad. To the sophomore girl who fucked all of Theos last semester: I respect the fact that you carry lube

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in your purse at all times. You go, girl. To Oz: If this election cycle has taught you anything, deny any criminal activity with respect to the emails until the end. To the hot dental students next door: My roommates and I would open wide for all of you.

I asked you to but didn't: Jokes on you, I tested positive for chlamydia. To the Oax girls in the Oax hats, tanks, and hoodies all at once: Are you in Oax? To drunk me: Please for the love of God, if you have any self respect, stop eating popcorn in the bed, we have to sleep here :(

To Mike Pence: But, like, have you even tried dick? If you just explored your prostate you'd understand. To the student in my music class with a three–year–old child: I'm sorry what? To the guy at Smokes' who said, "I'm not gay but…": There is no way to finish this sentence and still be straight. To my roommate: It’s nice that you remembered to attach your Fendi charm to your Louis backpack before volunteering in West Philly. So proud. To Owls: what was the rationale behind the 3+ American flags you have hanging in your living room? To the boy who pretended to put on a condom when

To the boy who thought I gave him an STD: All of my tests came back negative so I literally have no idea what is wrong with your penis. To Penn: The most important thing I've learned here is that I give good enough head to marry rich. Not sure whether this reflects more poorly on me or you. To my ex: Yes, I keep putting you down as my emergency contact at Flywheel, and yes, it is a cry for help. To the guy in my Econ class with overtly nimble fingers: Meet me at the bio pond in a fortnight's time.

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To the two horndogs of SDT who created the spotify playlist "Tunes to flick the bean to": God bless your souls. To entitled bikers: YOU'RE USING A "VEHICLE" THAT ISN'T MADE FOR THE ROAD OR THE STREET, GTFO WITH YOUR SUPERIOR ATTITUDE. To Bruce, the manager of the 40th St. CVS, who always asks why I'm buying condoms: Balloon animals.


you're not into it? I go to office hours every week to figure it out. To the boy whose butt I impulsively fingered: It’s pretty bold that you tell your friends as much as I do, seeing as we both remember how much you loved it. To CollegiateACB: Please come back into my life. How else am I supposed to keep tabs on what kids in Apes are doing?

To Owls: Are the dad caps part of some mandatory dress code?

To my hot blonde Econ TA: It would be pareto optimal for us to hookup.

To the blonde sophomore who always shows up to Theos/ Owls late nights alone: Good for you, I can't even walk to class alone.

To the impressively quiet girl who fooled me into thinking the second floor huntsman bathroom was empty: I'm so fucking sorry.

To sober me: Shoutout for deleting my ex's contact but fuck you to drunk me for finding screenshots of his number and texting him anyway. To Mrs. Bui: Thank you for providing the only stable form of support in my life. To my hot MEAM TA: Did you delete me off of Tinder because you realized I was your student, or because

A haiku for the old alumnus who yells at me and spits in my face at the Compass about the DP not reviewing his poetry: I give you the news / please don't give me the weather /

why are you still here? To the Locust flyerer that said, "Let's black out tonight!" and handed me a flyer: I'm not sure what you're advertising, but I'm intrigued. To every girl wearing Adidas superstars: Do the words "Uggs" and "middle school" ring a bell? To the boy who tried to go down on me while I was on my period: Do you understand what a period is? To the freshman who tried to show me how to take a shot: Not sure a sip of beer is a shot, but good try. To frats that have their date nights in tents: This isn't a date night. It's just a tent. To Oz: You've been holding off on your apology for that email for so long. You're such a tease! To the girls who got with the triplets at the same time: Best two out of three? To the girl who lost her phone at the backlot darty: That which you seek lies betwixt the grill. To the SDT junior

who threw up all over my food and possessions: My birkenstocks!!! To the guy who wanted me to wear my Captain America suit when we hooked up: Could you have done your country a service and finished blowing me? To the Castle guy I hooked up with who insisted on buying Pellegrino instead of drinking tap water: Do you know you're a cliche?

you, congratulate you, or What the fuck are you doing with it? learn from you. To all the fuckbois out there: You don't even deserve a Y (chromosome).

To my physical chemistry textbook: To that one aggres- Thank you for making sively blonde sopho- me feel better doing more: You look like a lines off of you, now that Walmart Reese Wither- I know the molecular spoon. structure of cocaine.

To frats that have their date nights in tents: This isn't a date night. It's just a tent. To Oz: Y'all are cute but your poetry needs work.

To the guy who added me on LinkedIn 20 minutes after I left his bed: Glad to see your desperation for a blow job is matched only by your desperation for a real job.

To Apes: Thought this was an acronym for AP To the Tri Delt seEnvironmental science. nior "making 82.5 To my roommate My bad. k next year": Did you who kept cheese really need to include hidden in her bed To my ex: Sorry I To my roommate the third digit? all semester: You've cheated on you. Super who sleeps in the gotta Brie kidding me. sorry you're (maybe?) chair in our living To the guy who finding out about it room every night: sexted me at work To the Europeans through a shoutout. Hope you like sleeping all summer: Your rein my boyfriend's semen. in castle: Get circumturn offer does not apply cised. To the guy I've been to my pants. dating for like eight To the girl that gives months: I was really amazing head: I just To the Apes boy To the random guy who likes to drink just hoping to get your wish there was more I gave my numtea in RIttenhouse: printer when you moved ber to in Chipotle: inside of yours. Take me on a real date out tbh. Wasn't quite sure how next time. To the newly renoto say no, but thank God To the guy who vated bathrooms in Kars4Kids has an easy To my hand: Thanks made an artistic film number to remember. DRL: You're the only about our breakup reason I show up to my for all the orgasms. and put it on social To Oz: For a group of recitations. To Highbrow: I hear media: Your feelings guys who named thembetter gossip sitting are just a lot. selves after a wizard, To the guy who acoutside frontera for two cidentally swallowed you sure do a poor job minutes than the Round To the guy I hooked at making your emails my earring while Up this year. You should up with the night I hooking up: Fuck disappear. broke up with my double standards­­­—this try it sometime. boyfriend: He thought To the Theta girl in would have been an acTo the girl whose I went too soon, I know my French class: ceptable time to spit. virginity I took you came too soon. The number of cartier To the As male who whilst flaccid: I prom- To my beautiful bracelets you wear is ise it gets better. bowl: Friends come left my date night inversely proportional and go, but weed is for- to how many people like to hook up with two To the Kappa Sig guy who has my bra: ever. Happy Thanksgiv- you. girls: I'm not sure ing, dear. whether to be pissed at It's been two years.

To the Owls optimist: Telling me that I can repeat my outfit because nobody saw it at brunch is not the consolation I needed after standing in that line for three hours before being sent home. To my apartmentmates who pretend not to hear me banging my bootycall at all hours of the day: I'm so, so sorry. Not sorry enough to stop, but still pretty sorry. To the 133: Y'all are so innocent… it's cute? To the guy Googling, "Can't find her clit in the dark" during lecture: Does this mean you are actively searching in the light? To Wharton: Is a choking fetish a prereq for admission? I thought you strived for diversity… To the employee at Insomnia who gives me cookies for free: You're my literal sugar daddy. To a hot Saxbys barista: You're the only blonde roast I'm here for ;-) To the SDT Senior with the furiously curly locks: We've never met, but your hair somehow always end up in my mouth. To the nose of the

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ZBT boy I've been hooking up with: You may not be attractive, but you make receiving oral pretty damn amazing.




St. A’s TEP Owls ZBT Phi Oax








To the guy who *apparently* wrapped Christmas lights around me while I was blacked: You light up my life.

To my drug dealer: Thanks for the extra you gave me after the election, you get me.



To the ZBT senior who aggressively finger–banged me: At least learn where the right hole is.

To the Theos boy with the hot mom: What happened to you?



To TEP: You wouldn’t let me use your bathroom, so I peed in your basement. Sorry not sorry.

Top Greek Mentions


To the new nail salon: Thanks for giving me somewhere to SABS. Frontera was getting old.

Top Word Mentions Abroad Oral




That smell at Capo

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Penn's acceptance rate


To the Fiji boy who kept licking my asshole: You are what you eat.

To Apes: I stole six of your monogrammed shotglasses and I'm not even a little bit sorry.


shoutouts' acceptance rate


To my friends on my floor: I'm so glad we're at the point where we have a shared spreadsheet of hookups.

To Owls: Which house are you going to give a bid for this year.

Shoutouts by the numbers 15

To Penn midterms season: I wish my hookup could last half as long as you.

To the guy who sat down, spilled beer across the table from me at Smokes', then promptly left: I’m SO wet.

yungbenfranklin Roommate

Cocaine Ex




Muggles and druggles.

In the midst of College Hall’s dozens of tall tales and mysteries, the Room of Requirement sits quietly on the 7th Floor. Most Penn students don't know about this space—the room only appears when its user is really in desperate need of something. While those who know about the room only use it for exams, social issues and other quandaries, Street thinks that we should be able to have a little bit of fun with this useful room—and there’s no way to make things better than with drugs. Check out these top drug experiences to have in the Room of Requirement.


Smoke a joint or two before you enter the Room of Requirement, and all your problems will be solved. The room

you'll magically forget all the work you're avoiding. The only thing the room can’t provide: A way to cushion the blow of the responsibilities that wait for you in the real world.


Entering the Room of Requirement on molly is like walking head–first into good vibes. You won’t simply walk will have boxes of pizza to cure into a room of music, but into your munchies and unlimited a full–blown rave. It’s obvious Butterbeer to get rid of that that you need to blow off some smoker’s dry mouth. A bed and steam, and the room undercalming music will appear, and stands, offering the perfect

bass–filled escape from the real world. The Room also provides gallons of cold water, air conditioning and a couch to crash on after the eight–hour high ends What it doesn't provide is the disgusting amount of friends you'll need to take care of your messy ass.


in swimming pools full of Galleons with the guys and girls of your dreams by your side. Don’t worry, we know your high needs to be maintained and your busybody attitude needs to be tended to, and the room will provide all of these short–term activities on demand.

While nobody is sure exactly Bath Salts You need help, child. what anyone needs after a few lines, you can count on the Room of Requirement to grant you an instant lifestyle upgrade. Be ready to #ballout


COCKROACH CLUSTERS A new type of cleanse.

Cockroaches are the new quinoa. Looking for a superfood that'll revamp your body and help keep your room clean? You're in luck—cockroach clusters are the hottest superfood trending on campus right now. Even Penn's dining halls have caught on to this culinary sensation. These delightful treats have created a demand for cockroaches on and around campus, leading administration officials to clean up the dorms, common areas and dining halls in search of the crawling critters. University President Amy Gutmann cited the high nutritional value of cockroaches and Penn's general love of dipping shit in chocolate as reasons to make Cockroach Clusters a staple on freshmen meal plans. Cockroach clusters are

also proven to help students perform better on tests. After consuming these creatures, students have demonstrated the ability to perform better a Felix Felices spell, leading to higher test scores and interview success rates. College junior Mary Dryplant gushes, “I just think they are such a great snack to have on the go and have so many benefits. The only thing I hate is that the quality of roaches in Commons is way below standard. Penn dining needs to do better.” Next time you're in Whole Foods or Trader Joe’s be on the lookout for this new Superfood. You can find them for about seven Galleons per pound and near Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans.

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YOUR OTHER HEAD No ulterior motives here.

The following article was found in the late Professor Quirrel’s desk. It is believed that he planned to submit it to the May 1999 issue of the notable wizarding periodical, DADAD (Defense Against the Dark Arts Digest).

afraid of anything, anyway). With the following tips, you’re guaranteed to have your own body—and a successful dating life—back in no time.


If she’s not down with polygamy, it’s probably best to keep certain sides of yourself under wraps. Madam Malkin’s sells great fabrics, and turbans are totally in this season. Change your turban regularly —Dark Lords can get a little garlicky if you don’t let them breathe.


Witches love mystery. Keep the romance alive by injecting the intrigue Have all of your exes accused of the unknown into your relationship… The possibilities you of being two–faced? Do Brainstorm creative date are endless! Start with a good you have a hard time finding ideas that’ll blow her mononym—it’ll drive her mad a woman who can fulfill your away faster than you can when she can’t figure out your Dark fantasies? Do you ever real name. The mononym strat- say “Expelliarmus!” Here are a feel stuck, waiting for your egy also helps assert your power, few to get you started: inevitable rise to power, co– and it prevents her from digging inhabiting the body of some -Finally ready to introduce up the dirt on your potentially sniveling wreck who has no her to your friends? Bring her game whatsoever? Well, fear no evil origins. on a late night walk through the more (not that you’ve ever been


Forbidden Forest. The romantic atmosphere will have her swooning, and she’ll finally have the chance to meet all of your patient followers who are helping you prepare for your big comeback. End the night with a picnic, complete with unicorn blood cocktails. -Skinny dipping with Inferi. Keep the turban on though. Trust us on this one.

darkness to take over completely. …but either way, it’s great practice. Dealing with a more experienced woman? Get ready to bring your sultry A–game if she asks you to talk dirty. Lean in close, press your lips to her ear, and whisper, “…your mother was a filthy Muggle.” We truly can’t imagine anything dirtier than that. Truly.

-Take her to Knockturn Alley to get couple’s tattoos. The parlor only has one design, and Use the tips above, and before you somehow already know each of the 28 people who al- you know it, you and your ready have it, but she’ll be down witchy woman will be riding thestrals off into the sunset. if she really loves you. Unfortunately, the head on the back of your other head has Darken up your sex total dibs when it gets its body life. If you’re a little inexperienced, solicit back. That’s just how it works— and nobody breaks up with a some dementors for kissing lessons. If you’re lucky, Dark Lord. they might even suck the soul Bellatrix, please take me back. out of your host’s body, leaving the vegetative shell for your


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FOREHEAD SCAR Everyone needs a break sometimes.

Whether you were injured in a freak accident during Dueling Club, got slammed in the face with a Bludger or absorbed an insane amount of dark magic as an infant as the result of a failed Killing Curse, life with an unsightly forehead scar is never easy. If you’ve already been to St. Mungo’s to get that checked out for a potential case of Horcrux, proceed as follows.

3. Sorting Hat

Who could forget watching their first sorting ceremony? Er… rather, not watching it, thanks to the grotesquely oversized Sorting Hat. With the Sorting Hat slipped all the way down past your ears, you’ll have a handy way to cover a scar and always have someone to talk to.

of these French veela–blooded beauties back to your dorm.

5. Dementor’s Cloak

Like the beret, you’re going to have to pucker up to get your hands on this one. The risk factor, however, is a little bit higher here. Yes, you might 1. Foundation 2. Polyjuice Potion be reduced to a soulless shell of For those with more of a Revlon Colorstay Foundation your formal self, but you’ll look is one great option available at general face problem and an ex- 4. Beauxbatons Beret insanely attractive in a dark, the CVS in Hogsmeade. Beauty tremely high pain tolerance. A brooding and mysterious way This is a great option in the gurus love it, and it offers great more permanent version of this with that cloak on. Also, we’re event of an upcoming Triwizard coverage for a cheap price. Try full–body solution is depicted not really sure exactly what’s in the well–known Muggle Tournament. You should their nude shade, or the paler going on underneath those movie, Freaky Friday, but the probably be decently good– porcelain if you’re a Weasley. things, and we’re curious. Ministry of Magic hasn’t figured looking aside from that horrid out how it works yet. facial scar, because you’re going to have to find a way to get one 6. Bangs.




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Last week on Keeping Up With the Weasley's: Things are not well at the Burrow with this family of blood traitors. Ron was being so not cool about Harry dating Ginny, and especially her decision to not participate in the Second Wizarding War. Ginny had been, like, dropping hints that a Pureblood wedding between her and Harry would create a genealogy of master wizards. And Harry was okay with it which was, like, so exciting for the Gryffindors, except for Ron's rude ass. It's whatever to Ginny, though. Have fun with your Mudblood Hermione, sweetie. Maybe she'll finally figure out how to do her hair. Business is not great at Fred and George's family boutique

in Diagon Alley, Wease. Turns out Muggles and Purebloods aren't interested in buying bedazzled sandalwood wands and selvedge denim owl cages. It's like witches don't have a sense of elegance anymore. Mama Weasley has had such a rough time this week, too. The cameramen are always tracking mud over her woven angora carpet, and her kids are only letting her get 7 percent in commission. At this rate, she'll have to sell off the floating hut in Bora Bora. And to make matters worse, the Diggories and the Lovegoods are coming for dinner tomorrow night, and she has to yell at the maid to bring out the charmed tents if she wants to entertain properly. Hopefully the Dementors don't show up this time, be-

cause that would totally kill the glamour of the event. Anywhoms, Ginny is the one being a real womp in the willow. She thinks that she can just, like, come under the influence of Tom Riddle's ancient memory and then resume her studies as if she didn't write all over the walls in blood? I don't think so. Ron and the twins are so afraid to sleep in the same home as her when they go home for the holidays. She's got Harry and all, but who's to say she invites an-

Ginny, there's people dying.

other basilisk into the home, all because of some stupid diary? Sorry, she's gonna have to sleep outside the Burrow on Christmas—and if she thinks otherwise, she's got another

thing coming. And that's what you missed on Keeping Up with the Weasleys.

HOW I MET YOUR MUGGLE MOTHER It was legend– wait for it– DARY! "Well kids, it all started when we were 11 and she equated dying with expulsion. From then, I knew I was hooked." If you missed your favorite couple from the shenanigans they were up to at Hogwarts, don't worry. Coming in hot from Executive Producer Rita Skeeter is How I Met Your Muggle Mother: A Relatively True Account of the Ronmione Love Story. We caught up with the muses for the show, Ron and Hermione Weasley, and asked what they thought about the show being picked up by a major network. "I think it's completely absurd," Hermione exclaimed.

"Nothing about the show is in the least bit accurate, and quite frankly, I don't know why that woman is even allowed to produce anything more than a puff piece about gremlins' favorite candy being chocolate coins." Mr. Ron Weasley was far more reserved, commenting that although the show wasn't approved by the two, he was "…bloody excited to finally be getting the attention I deserved." The show will be airing next fall, featuring Gilderoy Lockhart as Ron Weasley and Dolores Umbridge as Hermione. Reviews are already saying it's a comedic hit that even Voldemort

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would love. The Daily Prophet raves that the show is "Golden!" and "A smash hit!" George Weasley himself chimed in,

"If it's making fun of Ron, then of course I'll watch it!" It's even been rumored that The Boy Who Lived will be making a cameo himself.

We reached out to his manager to get a comment, but only received an email back asking what kind of bad joke was this.


MTV CRIBS: MOANING MYRTLE'S BATHROOM She's got marble and torment for days. Hey MTV, welcome to Hogwarts' hottest Mudblood mansion. Myrtle can’t communicate with Muggles, so I’ll do the talking for her! Located on the first floor of the main building of Hogwarts, this gray–stone masterpiece is a cornerstone of neo–Wiccan design, ornate enough for even the most depressed of specters. Moaning Myrtle has been living large in this witchy washroom since she was killed by Tom Riddle and his basilisk in 1943. She first happened upon this prime piece of real estate after Olive Hornby teased her about her glasses and acne. Myrtle sulked off and selected the regal third bathroom stall as her master bedroom to occupy for perpetuity. Talk about a find!

This haunted hunny decided the place was move in ready, and only made a few temporary changes where she saw fit. Whether it be flooding the sinks when an ignorant ginger student tries to flush a Horcrux down the drain or running a bath for male students trying to decipher clues from the Triwizard Tournament, she is a mistress of flexibility with a pad that is able to accommodate all sorts of crowds in no time. It’s the perfect homebase for her to spy on students showering, or to hop over to other bathrooms to harass male students. The details on this place would make you cry! Myrtle loves to entertain, and she decided on a circular set of marble slab sinks that are just perfect for communal


washing. It really opens up the space, and is perfect for letting out the basilisk or accessing the Chamber of Secrets when her guests are feeling frisky. And this gal is a utilitarian minimalist if I ever saw one! Take notes, Ikea. She sprung for the metal grate floors to catch all the water during her during her raucous bath parties, which perfectly matches

the metalwork diamond pattern in the windows. Is her window treatment for security or a nod to tasteful cheese– grater window bars? You decide! It beautifully filters all of the natural lighting into a checkerboard pattern that really elevates the gloom of the space. And don’t even get me started on that stonework!

The rocky arches could make hunchbacks cry. But enough about the masonry, the real feature of this pad is the is the multiplicity of stalls. You too can stay momentarily in an enclosed space just like Myrtle’s sumptuous master bedroom until she scares you out or says something oddly sexual. Simply ravishing!

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34TH STREET Magazine December 1, 2011 34TH STREET Magazine December 1, 2011 34TH STREET Magazine December 1, 2011

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Which scarf should you use to keep the Dark Lord on the back of our head under wraps?

So, you went on a trip abroad after graduation to celebrate seven grueling years at one of the most poorly regulated schools in wizarding history. You may have gone to the ruins of Atlantis or visited a remote monastery in Tibet. Maybe you hiked in an isolated forest in Albania. Nonetheless, you came back as the host to a dark wizard’s wandering soul, with a second face on the back of your head. Hey, it’s okay. It happens. We’ve all been there. But now, while you heed this maniac’s commands and struggle to meet their demands, in order to go about your daily life with two faces (one of which is gaunt, soulless and dead–looking), you need to hide one with a scarf. Street's got you covered (literally). Here's our list of five scarves you can order on the Muggle Interwebs, all to hide the Dark Lord feeding off the back of your head.


For a more city–chic twist, check out the Jack & Jones Snood from ASOS. This snood allows for sleek silhouettes when covering the back of your head during the day. By night, when your master insists that you sleep on your stomach so that their face isn’t smashed into a pillow (if you’re not running around chasing after unicorns and destroying your soul), the snood can serve as a plushy extra layer between your face and your pillow.


Looking for an edgier vibe and extra coverage? This Blanket Scarf in Geometric Color Block from ASOS claims

to “fall generously over the body” which is definitely what you need when an ungrateful, overbearing, parasitic entity has taken over your body and continues to bitch about your lack of generosity.


This Fringe Flannel Scarf from Forever 21 will help you exude cool and hip, despite the promise of impending doom embedded into the back of your head. The scarf is also large enough to hide your face and your constant, crippling self–doubt

brought on by delving into dark magic.

scarf will stop you from looking like the fool your master says you are.


Feeling fabulous? Check out this Faux Fur Oblong Scarf from Forever 21! It’s long enough and green enough to cover the eerie green glow shinig from back of your head when your master wraps up a 12th Century Wizard’s ritual. Want even more essential product suggestions for surviving the impending Third Wizarding War? Subscribe to our Essential to Surviving Products Newsletter via owl!


The Nubby Oversized Blanket Scarf in red is essential for those whose masters go overboard on the whole feeding off blood thing. The vibrant red is sure to cover all human blood used in your master’s blood magic and help you you ooze confidence, despite your general fear of displeasing the Dark Lord that has taken over the most inconvenient part of your body. Best of all, this stylish







Everyone says to be happy with the skin you're born in… or the skin you split your soul in to become immortal. But not everyone has that luxury. It took me a while to be comfortable with who I am. It wasn’t until Dr. Goldfarb entered my life that I found my true outer and inner beauty. Here’s my story. I hope you’ll listen. It’s one thing to be born a half–blood. It’s another to have a half–face. Growing up, I loved to kill people, but this hobby only brought out my ugly side.

My friends tried to get me to reach a point of self–love, but it was easy for them to love themselves with their beautiful, protruding schnozes. Every time I looked in a mirror, I hated what I saw. When would my reflection show who I am inside? I finally took it upon myself to get a consultation with Dr. Goldfarb. He looked at my deviated septum and told me what I had been waiting years to hear: I was fixable. We examined a couple of options and finally agreed on a petite #34 —

cute, stylish, everything the nose of a Dark Lord should be. It felt just like ordering Chinese food. God, I love Chinese food. It’s been a week since I got the surgery. I’m taking it day by day. I don’t have many people coming to visit me. That’s okay, though. I finally have the most important person here with me: myself.

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BECAME A DEMENTOR Junior Sam Lestrange had a rude awakening during On–Campus Recruiting this semester. He noticed some “distinctive” components of the interviews that he had not prepared for. “I appreciated Career Service's advice to always have an emotionless, faceless expression. But when the interviewers consistently tried to kiss me, I felt like something weird was going on.” Sam realized he was actually interviewing for Summer Analyst positions as a dementor, the soul–sucking prison guards of Azkaban. “Since I never knew what consulting was in the first place, I wasn’t actually that disappointed," he said. "And it turns out that it has a lot of what I was looking for in

terms of workplace lifestyle.” Sam was also optimistic about applying the skills he's honed during his time at Wharton to his new profession. “The skills are extremely transferrable to this line of work,” he said. “I learned pretty much all I needed to know to suck out people’s souls in MGMT 100. Everything else is personal style.” Though many would find living at a wizarding prison on an island in the middle of the sea difficult, Sam was excited about the opportunity to travel. Street reached out to current dementors for comments but received only cold gusts of wind in response.



HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY Street caught up with Junior Samantha Pureblood on her semester abroad.

Street: Why did you decide to study at Penn? Samantha Pureblood: I’ve been at Hogwarts since I was 11, so I was ready for a change. And I’ve always been fascinated with America. Why do you only use red cups? What’s a gun and why do I need one? So many questions. Street: How have you enjoyed Penn so far? SP: The first few days I kept showing up at the on–campus castle for class because, duh. But apparently people prefer to learn in an Azkaban–y aesthetic. Street: Is it hard to live as a

Muggle for a semester? SP: Is that a joke? You guys have computers! We’re still using parchment and quills for reasons no one has ever been able to explain. Also, I’ll take Uber over broomstick any day of the week. Street: What do you do on a typical Thursday night? SP: I usually sell my homemade artisanal love potions in front of Rumor. It’s, how you say… a start–up? Street: Is that how you bought your shoes? SP: Yes, these are my fourth pair of Yeezys.


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OF SHOUTOUTS You guys oughtta be ashamed...

To my bootycall: Buy me a drink and see what I'll do for you ;).

To 234 for hanging out with the freshmen on Shabbat: Thanks for taking care of them –Penn Parents.

To the hedgehog: Your owner -" To Jane Goodall: Thanks for coming to Penn. To the ZBT senior who came in his pants: Is that a side effect of fasting for Yom Kippur?

To my smelly roommate: Fuck you, fuck what your life, and fuck your shoes.

To the total girl at that frat party who I kissed on the mouth: You have very nice kissing.

To the guy who wanted to be just friends after telling me he loved me and making me love him: Fuck you, you a–hole.

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To that guy in Sig Chi who threw a diaper across the Penn Princeton darty.


34th Street Magazine