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November 15, 2017


november 15







And here we are. This is my last letter as 34th Street Magazine's Editor–in–Chief. overheards,HB; can't Well, okay, not exactly. I'll still technically even, slow walkers have my fancy title until the end of December. But this time next week, there will 4 WORD ON THE be a new Editor–in–Chief, announced STREET Im heartbroken to leave and set and ready to go, chomping at the bit to continue (or undo) what I've done. sports It's unbelievable how quickly this year 5 MUSIC has flown by. I remember sitting in the Ralph Rosen front office of the DP, scared out of my mind for my interview (for the record, when I walked in, I blurted out to then– 8 EGO president Colin Henderson that I was eotw, Penn Ink listening to "My Shot" from Hamilton to get pumped. And he still hired me, so thank you Colin.) I remember waking up after four hours of sleep the day after elec10 FEATURE tions. I remember heading to the office, wage gap looking at my new executive board, and being completely and utterly terrified. For all my months of planning and obsessing, 12 VICE & VIRTUE I was struck by the worst possible scenario: Get outside with the Penn running club, DIY I had no clue what to do. tips for the sickly season The thing is, it's impossible to prepare for something like this. It's impossible


14 FILM & TV

Thor: Ragnarok Makes Marvel’s Moneymaking Method Likable


Zines, Art Festivals, and Hoagies


Annual Advisor Conference Under Way, A Series of Angry Emails Written to my Landlord

Orly Greenberg, Editor–in–Chief Dani Blum, Managing Editor Chloe Shakin, Audience Engagement Director Teagan Aguirre, Design Director Carissa Zou, Design Director Corey Fader, Photo Director Nick Joyner, Features Editor Julia Bell, Features Editor Angela Huang, Word on the Street Editor Dalton DeStefano, Film & TV Editor Annabelle Williams, Highbrow Editor Haley Weiss, Ego Editor Andreas Pavlou, Vice & Virtue Editor Talia Sterman, Music Editor Colin Lodewick, Arts Editor Claire Schmidt, Lowbrow Editor Catalina Dragoi, Film & TV Beat Michaela Reitano, Film & TV Beat Sabrina Qiao, Ego Beat Maria Riillo, Ego Beat Natalia Sanchez-Nigolian, Ego Beat Lucia Kim, Highbrow Beat Daniel Bulpitt, Highbrow Beat Angela Lin, Highrow Beat 2

to prepare for the exposure, the access to campus. This job comes with a lot of attention, good and bad. Not in an egotistical way, to be sure. Do people know (or care) that I head this publication? Probably not. But do people have opinions on Street—either glowing reviews or vitriolic hatred? For sure. The thing is, when you are so heavily involved in something for so long, you merge identities. A critique of Street and the DP is a critique of me. If I missed something, if Street messes up, it's my fault, and I sometimes can't help but internalize it. As I prepare to pass along Editor–in– Chief responsibilities, I've found myself repeating one particular piece of advice: you will fuck up. A lot. You will fuck up majorly. We're a student–run business, and that means that the DP and Street are as much of a training ground as they are part of a company. This is a place to learn, and part of learning is making mistakes. However, it's what you take from those mistakes—that's what matters. I would be lying if I said this was a per-

fect term. Preparing to hand off responsibilities means I've done a lot of reflection and self–assessment. There are things I'm proud of, there are things I regret. There are things I would have loved to do differently, or have paid more attention to. But that's the beauty of this position. It's finite. You get one year to do your absolute best, to try your hardest and make mistakes and find ways to fix them. I will perhaps never again be in a position to lead a staff of almost over one hundred people. I might never have such a visible job again. This is an unbelievable, completely unique experience, and I'm grateful every day I got to do it. So, have I done absolutely everything I wanted to do? No. But I did everything with passion and fierce love for this publication. And I think that can be enough for me.

PENN, YOU LOVELY, PRICKLY, STRANGE CLUSTERFUCK, IT'S SUCH AN HONOR TO TELL YOUR STORIES. BUT SERIOUSLY, THIS SCHOOL IS WEIRD AS SHIT. DON'T FORGET IT. JUST EMBRACE IT <3 Nick Castoria, Highrow Beat Paul Litwin, Music Beat Amy Marcus, Music Beat Aliya Chaudhry, Music Beat Noah Kest, Music Beat Michelle Pereira, Music Beat Jess Sandoval, Music Beat Shoshana Sternstein, Lowbrow Beat Dano Major, Lowbrow Beat Lily Zirlin, Lowbrow Beat Cami Potter, Lowbrow Beat Noa Baker, Vice & Virtue Beat Lily Snider, Vice & Virtue Beat Morgan Potts, Vice & Virtue Beat Julia Messick, Vice & Virtue Beat Jillian Karande, Vice & Virtue Beat Molly Hessel, Vice & Virtue Beat Gina Alm, Arts Beat Sherry Tseng, Arts Beat Linda Lin, Arts Beat Michaela Tinkey, Arts Beat Staff Writers: Isabella Fertel, Caroline Curran, Kiana Cruz, Clare Kearns, McKay Norton, Chen Chen Zhang, Brookie McIlvaine, Steph Barron, Lauren

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Donato, Frankie Reitmeyer, Jamie Gobreski, Brittany Levy, Jessica Li, Maria Formoso Zack Greenstein, Design Editor Christina Piasecki, Design Editor Katherine Waltman, Design Editor Simcha Stadlan, Design Editor Anjali Berdia, Design Editor Gloria Yuen, Illustrator Anne Marie Grudem, Illustrator Avalon Morell, Photo Editor Autumn Powell, Photo Editor Megan Kyne, Photo Editor Christina Piasecki, Photo Editor Emily Hason, Video Director Daniel Rubin, Video Editor Megan Kyne, Video Editor Lea Eisenstein, Copy Director Sophia Griffith-Gorgati, Copy Editor Nancy Liu, Copy Editor Kimberly Batista, Copy Editor Colleen Campbell, Copy Editor Nadia Goldman, Copy Editor

Catherine de Luna Copy Editor Jennifer Cullen, Copy Editor Riley Wagner, Copy Editor Cole Bauer, Social Media Editor Paige Fishman, Social Media Editor Hanniel Dizon, Social Media Editor Carly Shoulberg, Social Media Editor Julia Klayman, Social Media Editor Merry Gu, Social Media Editor Chae Hahn, Social Media Editor Sarah Poss, Social Media Editor Lily Haber, Social Media Editor Unless otherwise noted, all photos are by Corey Fader, Autumn Powell, Megan Kyne, Christina Piasecki, and Brinda Ramesh. Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Orly Greenberg, Editor–in–Chief, at You can also call us at (215) 422-4640. "Am I pretty enough to fuck someone who knows what venture capital is?" ©2017 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a-okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Wednesday.


Photo: Ilana Wurman



Please, cut the bullshit. Walk faster.

Hurry. The fuck. Up. Can’t you tell by my giant coffee and headphones that I'm late for something? To all you slow walkers on Locust, this is an unequivocal callout on your bullshit. Stop photographing the foliage—it’s red, big fucking deal. Get off your phone. And for the love of all that is holy, stop with the 30 second meet–and–greets; nobody is really that excited to see you. Cut the shit.

As students, we all know what it is like to be stuck behind somebody who is enjoying their amble down Locust while you are just trying to turn in your pset before lecture. There you are, distraught and sleep–deprived, and you're forced to see how good of a time this person is having. Don’t do it to somebody else. Please, speed up. Locust Walk is strictly business between :20–:30


and :50–:00 on the hour. These are high stakes times when nobody has time for your slow ass. Would you ever stand in the middle of the sidewalk on 5th Avenue and expect New Yorkers not to be furious? No? Then why do it here? Weaving through groups of tourists, brushing past families shuffling over to sit with the pee statue, and dodging Kite and Key tour groups

left and right make traversing Locust hellish enough, so please, get out the way. And God forbid, if you are walking so slow that people flyering on Locust feel welcome to talk to me, or ask me to buy tickets to their fucking a capella show, I will find out who you are. And I will personally make you go to every showing of every a capella group on campus. And it won’t be free.


over heard PENN at

Traditionalist: I'm saving anal for marriage. Essay critic: Your body fluid descriptions are so good. Frat boy post–coitus: This is what I do to procrastinate for my midterms. Frustrated foriegner: For the last time, I'm not a hipster, I'm just not from America. Confused international student: Who's Betsy Ross? She sounds like a right bitch. Sophomore to high school friends: I can't believe that in ten years we'll all get married! Washed–up alumna at Smokes': Let's take a lap...and find our enemies. Salad purist: I want to keep the sanctity of ass–eating and sald– eating separate. Pre–med on Pine: How soon can we do something illegal?

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word on the STREET



utting on the jersey was the easy part. Sliding my arms into its tight sleeves, pulling my head through the embroidered collar, tugging at the corners so the small, red Nike symbol sat right above my sports bra line—that was the best part of my week. I began looking forward to it from the moment I stepped off the court on Saturday night. As the the meshy blue fabric slid over my skin, I wasn’t me anymore. I could do things I couldn’t normally do—run faster, reach lower, hit harder. I was untouchable. Taking the jersey off, though—that was the hard part. Sitting in my practice shirt in the locker room, suddenly all that was gone. It was a brutal fall from cloud nine back into reality. My body hurt. I remembered that I didn’t have a job. Without my jersey, I wasn’t number five anymore—I was just my ordinary self. That jersey was my second skin when I wanted to be someone else, someone better. For a while, I felt as if volleyball was the only thing I was good at: my grades have gone up and down, friends have come and gone, and I’ve received rejection after rejection since coming to Penn. In the real world, life is crazy, messy, and unstable. But in volleyball, there’s always a reason. You shanked that ball because you weren’t facing target; you missed that swing because you didn’t get your feet to the ball. There’s a calculable pattern you can follow to achieve success. It’s the same three or four motions—pass, set, hit—over and over again until the ball drops. And then the pattern begins again. It’s clean. It’s simple.


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MICHELLE PEREIRA Life outside of the gym isn’t like that, though. Few things in my life have ever been consistent. I moved around a lot as a kid— by my sophomore year of high school, I had already attended five different schools. Normalcy wasn’t something I could count on. But volleyball was. No matter what town I was in,

That jersey was my second skin when I wanted to be someone else— someone better.

loved volleyball so fiercely and so passionately that it was like therapy. It was this secret stash of happy I kept in my back pocket, only to whip out when I needed it most. It was my coping mechanism for anything and everything. Some people cook. Some people color. I played volleyball. And abandoning that routine, that controlled Illustration by Gloria Yuen simplicity, is terrifying. Walking away from something you love is never easy—but any sports movie will tell you that. What they won’t tell you is how hard it is to walk away from a space, where if I only worked hard enough, I could be my very best time and time again. They won’t tell you how devastating it is to lose a support system of teammates, trainers, and coaches who do everything within their power to help you succeed. They won’t tell you how letting go feels like loosing a piece of yourself. I’m heartbroken, obviously. But I’m also proud. As I walk away, looking back over my shoulder, I know I’ll be leaving something great—worth all of the pain and sweat. My athletic career gave or what group of new friends I had to make, me everything: a competitive outlet, pride for volleyball has always been there for me. Ever the name on my jersey, friends I'll rely on for since I was 11 years old, when I showed up to years. It’s easy to feel disappointed—wrapping my middle school tryouts in soccer shorts and up anything always leaves you with the quesknee–high socks, volleyball was something I tion of “What if?” But at the end of the day, could count on. Through ups and downs with playing volleyball was never about the rings my parents, picking up from one part of the or the all–tournament team placards. It was country and moving to the other, and fights about giving myself over to the moment, the with my friends, volleyball kept me afloat. It team, and the game, and leaving nothing in was the best part of my day, everyday—my reserve. And I did that. I gave Penn the best whole year, really. I knew that if I could only four years I could. And for that opportunity, I make it to practice, things would be okay. I will always be grateful.


RALPH ROSEN: Photo by Paige Fishman

Classical studies professor, coffee extraordinaire and music expert

You might know Professor Ralph Rosen as a Classical Studies expert and coffee extraordinaire. But what you might not know is that he’s a master of music. While in his apartment a few weeks ago for one of his biweekly Espresso Open Houses, my friend pointed out the vast record collection lining his apartment shelves. I followed up with Professor Rosen to hear about his family history, musical tastes, and the secret magic of vinyl. Professor Rosen's been a self–proclaimed “music fanatic” for most of his life. In his childhood, “there was music around"—his parents were avid classical music listeners and players. His father, a professor from Swarthmore College who played the double bass, ensured Professor Rosen's childhood home brimmed with classical music. He was “dragged along to all the orchestra concerts” as a kid. Although he primarily listened to classical music, he later developed further interests in pop, rock, and jazz. Professor Rosen got his first record, Sherry and 11 Others by The Four Seasons, at around six years old. This record was the first in a collection that would grow well into the thousands. However, his tastes went beyond

records. In the later '60s, in his hometown, the college town of Swarthmore, he’d “crash” many rock concerts of artists who developed what is now known as classic rock. He saw his first concert in the city at age 14, in the original venue of Philadelphia’s own Electric Factory, which was then a warehouse on 23rd and Cherry streets. He saw Pink Floyd there. His musical interests really began to evolve when he graduated high school. He got “really into jazz when he was around 18." That interest stemmed from his attraction to contemporary classical artists who were composing in the '60s. As the years went on, his musical experiences, as well as his record collection, continued to grow. The full collection is of a couple thousand, so those that couldn’t fit in the apartment had to be laid in storage. Shelf after shelf was lined with alphabetically organized records, while more were tucked away into any space they could fit. Records seemingly spilled out of the apartment’s nooks and crannies. This sight led our conversation to shift to Professor Rosen’s love of vinyl. Although “not opposed to CDs,” he loves the “tactility” of vinyl and that you

can really “handle it.” He said, “There is something lost in the way music has gone now. What’s lost is part–ritual and part–interacting with the material. Like a book, there’s a feel to it. You open a nice book and you see the print. It has a kind of aesthetic quality to it.” He found that when CDs came to prominence, they still maintained some of that artistic element, but they were just not quite at the level of vinyl—“everything was too miniaturized.” He ar-

gued that with streaming music now, you think more about “what song do I want to hear,” but Professor Rosen said that’s “just not the way I listen.” His listening experience is not just about individual songs, but about the records as a whole. Although he doesn’t mind the trend toward digitalizing books, when it comes to music he can’t help but feel that records are really “what sounds best.” It’s not as if one is "awful" and the other is great: CDs shouldn’t be

“demonized.” However, he finds “good vinyl records more musical, more profound, and more relaxing in a way.” Another magical aspect of the vinyl that Professor Rosen revealed is the cover art. The art of vinyl presents a wholly different dimension of the craft that is almost totally lost with digital music today. Vinyl lets the listener really understand the “artisanship” of the works. These vinyl containers hold posters, booklets, or other little

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goodies hidden in various sleeve records themselves. His collec- showed that musical producpockets. To me, the most prom- tion contains records that are tion used to go beyond the acinent of these records is David black, transparent, white and tual music, but also about how Bowie’s Blackstar, whose cover • turquoise—colors that I didn’t it is presented. With vinyl, the Flexible Leasing Single and Double Rooms • art contains features only re- even know records came in. artwork and design clenched in Leases • All Amenities Utilities Included adds another element to vealedIndividual when rotating the sleeve Some records had and specifics etch- hand a certain way or glaring at it in ings with messages from the the artist’s work and aesthetic a specific light. Each turn of artists that could only be seen intentions. the sleeve reveals a new hidden by squinting at the right Call angle. When it comes to the accharacteristic that would have Each record has its own indi- tual listening, vinyl once again 215.662.0802 viduality that goes beyond the proved to be quite a different previously gone unnoticed. The art of vinyl goes beyond music. Each is a piece of art in experience. Professor Rosen Rosen proved that vinyl is a fully imthe cover design; it's the actual its own way. ProfessorEmail

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mersive experience that more prominently captures music as the artist intended. Truly wanting to get the most out of his records, he has a whole apartment corner solely dedicated to the technology necessary to play the record and produce what he considers a proper listening experience. The British–made record player made by Nottingham Analogue Studio proved incredibly complex. He set up the totally manual 20–pound record player, which is connected to four or five boxes covered in buttons and dials that have purposes I can't even begin to understand. He first hit a switch that lit up these two light bulbs, as if from some crazy machine

the other side at 33 RPM. He explained that the artist’s, Procol Harum’s, intention in doing this was for listeners to hear the difference in sound when a record has these different speeds. He then played the record "A Whiter Shade of Pale" on each side in order to hear the difference in sound between the two sides. First the 33, then the 45. If I listened closely, I could hear the dfference. In one, the voice and instruments seemed more intense, while in another they seemed more passive. This experimentation with listening seems somewhat absent in today’s listening experience. He then played the same song, “A Whiter Shade of Pale,” but the

in some cheesy sci–fi movie’s laboratory. He then eagerly sat me down in a seat specifically designated as the “best one” for listening, keen on giving me the best audio experience. Then the music began. It was Kessel Plays Standards by Barney Kessel, jazz I’d never heard before. Immediately, whether it was the actual record or the quality of the speakers, the listening experience was much more immersive. As Professor Rosen said, “You hear how everything sounds really natural and the drum has more of a presence.” It almost felt as if the band was performing right in front of me. Each note seemed so much more crisp than those heard from headphones or a computer. Most interestingly, he showed me a reissued record with one side issued as a 45 RPM and

digitized version on the same speaker. Almost immediately, I could actually hear the quality difference. As Professor Rosen perfectly explained, “It’s thinner.” For the first time, I really understood why people prefer vinyl to digital music. Professor Rosen proved that vinyl sounds “more musical, more profound, and more relaxing in a way.” Vinyl enhances the audio experience—and I’m not talking about the vinyl many teenagers listen to on kitsch record players they buy from Urban Outfitters. I’m talking about the vinyl of true music fans like Professor Rosen, who view vinyl music as an art form that requires attention, absorption, and precision. To them, vinyl, with the art and the record’s detail, gives music layers that digital music just can’t.

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Photo courtesy of Kelly Sullivan

Kelly Sullivan is a second year PhD student in developmental stem cell and regenerative biology. She’s also a tattoo artist with four tattoos of her own, three of which she did herself. She’s been drawing tattoos for herself and her close friends for around two years now, since she was 23, but she's been an artist for much longer. “I’ve been doing art for pretty much my whole life, ever since I was six years old,” she says, swirling a spoon in her cappuccino. “A lot of the subject matter has kind of stayed the same. It’s a product of boredom—I get a lot of weird hobbies all the time.” She places her ankle deli-

cately on her knee, pointing at three black initials stamped near her ankle. “I was kind of on and off about the idea of whether or not I wanted a tattoo, and I’ve always been into DIY stuff—I thought there was something really cool about the thought of actually tattooing yourself.” One night, in the middle of grad school interviews, Kelly came home, and armed with a sewing needle, some thread, a pencil, and some India ink from the craft store, she set out on what she called a “little art project.” The result was her first “stick and poke” tattoo, a style of tattoo artistry that is

true to its name. Artists take some kind of sharp point that they dip in ink. Then, they stick it into the skin—lightly, just past the surface, but not too deep. If done correctly, these stick and poke tattoos can last for life. “It’s actually really hilarious because, this tattoo,” she laughs, pointing to a tattoo on her ankle, “well I really love Bach, and on all of his sheet music he would put the initials SDG­ —it stands for a pretentious Latin phrase: "Soli Deo Gloria, for the glory of God alone. You know, I’m like, pretty half–assed about





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the religious thing, but I like the sentiment: he’s doing his job for something that he thinks is a good reason—not for money or for fame—he’s doing it for God. Questionable about whether or not I do anything for God, but I like the idea of taking pride in your work. But, as you can see," she points to the first black letter, “I don’t really know how to write cursive. So it turns out to everybody this is a cursive L, but it was supposed to be an S. And I kind of think it’s hilarious—everyone’s like ‘what’s LDG’ and I’m like ‘it’s supposed to be SDG—my shitty Bach tribute tat.’” Although she’s a science student first and foremost, Kelly doesn’t find there to be a stigma in the science community concerning tattoos. “As long as I produce data people don’t really care about what you look like or wear,” she says, adding, “quite a few of my friends in science have tattoos.” Admittedly though, her work in biology influences much of her artwork. “Like 99% of my art is inspired by science in some way. In general, the other art that I make I do a lot of art on lab animals and naturalistic stuff. Anatomy drawings too­—I really like the old pen and ink medical illustrations of organs and stuff.” The tattoo world isn’t the

easiest to break into. A certain resentment exists against stick–and–poke tattoo artists, since there’s no formal training required. “It’s very hierarchal and it depends on who you know and stuff. They really don’t like stick and pokers—they actually have a derogatory term for them: ‘scratchers’.” But she’s quick to add, “You know I don’t necessarily blame them. I mean if I’m doing it myself in my house I’m not going to pretend that my quality is the same as something done professionally, even if I take all the necessary precautions to sanitize my workspace.” The risks inherent with being a stick and poke tattoo artists are why Kelly doesn’t work by commission. She makes tattoos for her friends in her free time, outside of the lab. As one of her friends, Dylan (E ’18) says, “Kelly was gentle and professional, makings sure to sanitize her tools and use gloves. The tattoo she gave me is probably my favorite tattoo to date.” Despite the glowing review, science is still Kelly’s chosen future career, but she makes sure to add, “I could totally envision myself doing tattoos at sixty as a wacky old lady as a second– wave job after I get burnt out from science.” SABRINA QIAO


EGOOF THE WEEK: MAXWELL LEVY Opera singer meets frat boy.

HOMETOWN: Pleasantville, NY MAJOR: PPE & Hispanic Studies CLUBS: Philomathean Society, TableTalk, Penn Model Congress, Zeta Beta Tau FRESHMAN DORM ROOM: McKean 310

Ok, fine—we cheated a bit. Max Levy's claim to fame may be a little less Penn–centric than that of our standard Ego of the Week, but holy Mozart is he impressive. This ZBT bro has been performing in the company of Opera Philadelphia for nearly two years, balancing a burgeoning operatic career with a packed schedule of classes and activities on campus. This summer, he'll be performing with the renowned Glimmerglass Festival. It's safe to say Max will be singing his face off for years to come—but for now, he's still trying to make the most of his last year at Penn. 34th Street: How do you manage your academics and extracurricular and social life on campus while balancing a

professional performing career? ML: When I’m doing a show we rehearse a lot, usually every day or every other day during music rehearsals and staging, and then once we get to piano tech or dress it’s every other or every three days. Balancing has definitely been tough, and my GPA is there to show that. Last fall I was taking PPE 201 and 203, and we had a Wednesday night performance of Turandot, but the next day I had midterms in both of those classes. I sat backstage all dressed up in my costume and my white face makeup, sitting at my computer, cramming for those midterms. My social life has kind of declined since freshman year for obvious reasons, but I feel

LIGHTNING ROUND MY DREAM ROLE IN AN OPERA IS... "Scarpiet in Tosca." THE ONE RECORDING THAT WILL MAKE EVERYONE APPRECIATE OPERA IS... "Breaking the Waves. We premiered it last year, and it won every international award, but it’s just the antithesis of what people think of when they think opera."” MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE OPERA IS... "La Bohème." BETWEEN ALLEGROS OR WAWA, I'D HAVE TO PICK... "Freshman year, Wawa between 3 and 5 AM, but now definitely Allegros because it’s dangerously close to my house." THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF PEOPLE AT PENN... "The obliviously competitive and the obsessively compulsive."

like that happens a lot with Penn students in general, so I don’t feel too bad about it. But I can make it work. Obviously drinking isn’t so great for my voice, so I kind of have to abstain more often than not. Academically, I’m fortunate that my degree isn’t going to be my career, so I don’t put too much importance on my grades, as long as I pass and have some sense of pride in the fact that I’m learning something. Street: Do you get stressed about leaving the academic world behind to become a performer full–time? ML: Only because what I’m going into is so much more stressful. Obviously Penn is a stressful place, but there’s just something about standing in a line with so


many people who are doing exactly what you’re doing and aren’t going to make it— that’s just so much more terrifying. So it’s not even that I’m stressed about leaving academics, it’s just that, like, this is my backup plan, and I’m nervous that I’ll need it. That’s what I’m afraid of.

LIGHTNING ROUND THE LAST TAB I CLOSED ON MY COMPUTER WAS... "Youtube. I was probably watching car videos." THE COOLEST CLASS I’VE TAKEN AT PENN WAS... "Third Reich, it’s basically the rise and fall of Nazi Germany. Thomas Childers just objectively the best and most versed WWII and Nazi Germany professor." MY FAVORITE POST-WORKOUT SNACK IS... "Chocolate milk. But the key is that you can’t just have one glass of chocolate milk, you have to drink enough of it until you feel sick." CROSS-COUNTRY OR TRACK? "Cross Country." THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF PEOPLE AT PENN... "People who drink black coffee, and people who like coffee–flavored things."

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arah* could already picture her new apartment in San Francisco's Mission District. She had just returned to Penn after her summer internship. The Wharton senior with a Computer & Information Science (CIS) minor had just landed a full–time offer from a San Francisco software engineering firm, with a signing bonus so steep she could feel the house keys in her hand. But before she could accept her nearly six–figure income and start apartment-hunting, Sarah had some decisions to make. Should she take her offer and cruise for the rest of senior year, recruit for other firms, or negotiate her current offer? Sarah couldn’t help but wonder if her Bay Area-

expect to make 4.03% less in yearly income than Simon. This amounts to $2880 less annually. In theory, Simon is expected to make $55 more by the end of the first week than Sarah. If they had both studied Engineering, it could be worse. On average, female engineers make 4.83% less ($3735 per year) than their male counterparts. That adds up to $71 less per week. These numbers were disappointing to Sarah. But she found herself asking: Does this matter? Sarah will already be in the top 1% of national incomes when she graduates, and will have the added advantage of being an Ivy League–educated woman. Her steep signing bonus was higher than


bound male peers would receive the same compensation. Simon*, a Wharton friend of hers who also has a CIS minor, interned at a comparable company over the summer. While they were interns, several news outlets ran stories on Silicon Valley’s gender pay gap, revealing that female entry–level workers in tech get paid 19% less than their male counterparts. As soon–to–be Penn grads, do those numbers apply to Sarah and Simon? Every year, Penn Career Services publishes the Career Plan Survey Reports, which reveal Penn’s gender pay gap for Wharton and Engineering graduates (the College and Nursing do not publish income statistics because there is not enough data per major). The data they did publish shows that as a female senior in Wharton, Sarah should

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an average US family’s annual income, $57,617. Penn’s data provides evidence that wage inequality can reach even the highest earners. However, Penn’s 4% pay gap pales compared to the general 19% gap in tech, and even more compared to national trends. Should she care that the Penn wage gap is one–fifth smaller than the national average? Nationally, women make 76 cents to each man’s dollar. The gap is even more prevalent in working class and minority communities. Black women can earn as much as 35% less for the same job as white men. For Latina women, it’s 42% less. National statistics also indicate that the gender pay gap worsens as women progress through their careers. By the time Sarah reaches her early 40s, she would be paid 23% less than male members of

her graduating class. Leaving the workforce temporarily (perhaps to start a family, if she chose) would leave her even more vulnerable and financially dependent. Unfortunately, Sarah may be destined to be paid less than Simon. But it depends on the field they enter after graduation. Pay is more standardized for finance and consulting jobs, which made up 25% and 17% of graduating Penn students’ professions respectively in 2016 . Emma*, a senior studying finance, already accepted her Goldman Sachs return offer. “In my program, we all got paid the same salary prorated for the summer,” she explained, meaning that Goldman Sachs paid them a fraction of a yearly wage. “Even though there isn’t a pay gap between females and males analysts, senior women in finance have told me about challenges in the workplace, including developing relationships with male clients who typically prefer meeting over golf, sports and drinks.” Data shows that normal consulting analysts were paid $70,000 yearly with a $3,000 signing bonus, while tech consulting paid $75,000 yearly with a $7,500 signing bonus. Both men and women received equal compensation. As graduates enter banking or consulting, Penn women might be facing other kinds of sexism, but discrepancies in starting salaries or negotiation wasn’t one of them. When it came to graduate job offers in other fields, Patricia Rose, Director of Career Services at Penn, was able to clarify. She explained: “Wharton women—as opposed to Wharton men—by a ratio of two to one, choose fields such as communications, government, healthcare, retail, and various corporate training programs. Many of these pay less than the average Wharton starting salary. At the same time, more Wharton men than women choose venture capital, and slightly more men end up in tech, [which are] fields that pay above the school average.” The situation is similar in Engineering, she explains. “Computer Science majors have the highest starting salaries, but of the responses to our survey from computer science majors, 73% were men and 27% were women. No wonder the overall average salary for SEAS is higher for men.” There are fewer female graduates from Penn en-

tering higher paying fields like computer science, venture capital and other tech jobs. But the divide does not stop at occupation choice. When Sarah waited several weeks to explore her job options, she observed that most of her female friends signed their tech offers immediately, whereas her male friends aggressively negotiated offers and got better ones because of it. She noticed that girls were more likely to take their offers at face value. Rather than doing the same, Sarah decided to ask Simon what his plan was/ to get a second opinion. He explained, “I got a significant increase in my signing bonus and equity at my company when I negotiated. The manager I was working for said that negotiating is normal for software engineers. My salary did not change, but I brought my signing bonus up from $75,000 to $100,000 and increased my equity from $200,000 to $230,000 over a four year vesting period.” Simon’s negotiating success illuminates some aspects of Penn’s gender pay gap: jumping his signing bonus from $75,000 to $100,000 after negotiating might explain why female Whartonites receive on average 14% (or $1438) less for their signing bonus than men. In tech, where there are significantly more Penn male grads than female grads, it pays to negotiate starting salary, signing bonus, options, vacation, and even moving fees. Rose at Career Service suggests taking time to consider offers when we receive them, just as Sarah did. “Show your excitement when you get an offer, but don’t accept right away,” she explains. “Take some time to do your research to determine how the offer stacks up against others in the same industry, for that job, and in that location.” Despite Sarah’s skepticism about her female friends’ negotiating, there is no concrete data to suggest that female students are worse at negotiating their salaries less than male students. Bobbi Thomason, Senior Fellow and Negotiations Lecturer at the Wharton School, wrote in The Wharton Journal that, “[T]he narrative that women don’t negotiate, or don’t negotiate well, is bogus.” She has found that “women negotiate all the time across a range of topics and excel at it.” But, she said, “Studies have found women are less likely than men to self–advocate if it is unclear that ne-

gotiation is allowed or appropriate.” Sarah made a point to recruit for more jobs and negotiate like her male friends, just to see how far she could get. She successfully used her return offer to negotiate a slightly higher starting salary and a much larger signing bonus with a different large tech company. Perhaps the gender pay gap for Penn grads narrowed a hair because of Sarah. Women can’t change tech–bro culture and old boys’ clubs by themselves. But there are small changes that women can fight for on an individual level. And unless more female seniors challenge the predominating tech–bro culture, go into software or venture capital, and negotiate their salaries, the gender pay gap for Penn graduates will most likely remain the same. 4.03% lower starting salary for women in Wharton, and 4.83% less for women in Engineering. The data forces us to confront an uncomfortable drawback of being socialized as a woman. Women have advocated for tech companies to release salary data to ensure they’re paying genders equally, but companies like Google have pushed back against doing so. Although stories like Sarah's

prove that women can take initiative in starting their careers and negotiating for higher salaries, cases like Sarah's feel more like anomalies rather than the norm. Women will stand next to their male peers at graduation with the same diploma in hand, but years of Career Services data suggests that this symmetry ends at Franklin Field.


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PENN RUNNING CLUB Screw the treadmill

Picture Pottruck at 6 p.m.: bros in muscle shirts pumping iron and girls in yoga pants doing their 50th set of leg raises. Every treadmill is occupied. On the steps outside, a small group congregates before heading off into the crisp autumn evening— meet the Penn Running Club. United by their passion for running, the Penn Running Club (PRC) ranges from freshmen to graduate students and from former cross–country champs to casual joggers. PRC is a competitive sports club open to recreational runners. “It’s really what you make of it,” says Harry Prevor (E ’19), president of PRC. “We have people who attend every practice, and others just show up as their schedule

allows.” Prevor emphasizes that PRC is always taking on new members. The club has a core of 20–30 members who compete at meets around the country through NIRCA (National Intercollegiate Running Club Association). Currently, they’re gearing up for cross country nationals in Michigan. I gave PRC a try on a Tuesday morning at a bleary–eyed 7:30 a.m. The group divided up, the fastest three heading down the Schuylkill and five others (myself included) going to Woodland Cemetery. We ran one– mile loops around the periphery, weaving among trees on a dirt trail. At the start, it was definitely a notch above my comfort pace. Then, the group started

making light conversation, and somehow, four miles flew by. As a gym–goer and recent running convert, I’m not used to exercise as a social activity. Normally, I lace up, blast music, and take a solo jog. I’m guilty of checking my phone halfway through runs or pausing to respond to a snap. Running in a group challenged me to pick up my pace, tune out technology, and focus on the present. PRC isn’t only for distance runners. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, PRC holds sprint practice at Franklin Field. John George Armstrong (C ’18), the sprint captain, started the team back in freshman year. Tuesdays are the biggest practice days, when some of the long–distance

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runners come out to switch things up. I showed up to practice Thursday evening, unsure what to expect. I learned how to hand off the baton while running full–speed, a feat we practiced several times. Then we ran 200–meter relay sprints. Not going to lie, it was intense. My lungs were on fire, and my quads were sore for a few days. While many of the members ran track or cross country in high school, it’s welcoming for all levels. Catherine Foster, a first–year in the Master of Social Work program, started running her freshman year at Penn State. Now she’s training for the Philadelphia Half Marathon and competing in the 6k championship race at NIRCA nationals.

Foster, the Chair of Social Planning, loves PRC for the community, “It’s a lot smaller than the one at Penn State, but we’re close knit.” Aside from running, they’re a social bunch. At practice, everyone was getting hype for the Fall Homecoming Formal. The sun now sets at a depressing 4:35 p.m., and Midterm Season 2.0 is coming into full swing, so finding the time and motivation to exercise is no easy task. Navigating Pottruck can be a stressor unto itself. For those days when you want to reset and push yourself, Penn Running Club offers an encouraging alternative. EMMA MOORE

PENN RUNNING CLUB PRACTICE TIMES • Long Distance (meet at Pottruck) • 7:30 a.m. Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday • 6:00 p.m. Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday • 4:30 p.m. Friday • Sprint (meet at Franklin Field) • 6:00 p.m. Tuesday Thursday RUNNING ROUTES • Schuylkill River Trail: The most popular option— every other runner seems to be wearing Penn gear. Run down either Walnut or Spruce, go down the stairs on the bridge and you’re at the trail. For an easy five mile out–and–back head to the Philadelphia Museum of Art. Otherwise, continue down past Boathouse Row, to the most picturesque part of the trail. Watch the regatta row past. Try not to document the experience on Snapchat. • Woodland Cemetery: The closest option—right off 40th street—if you can handle running over graves. Follow the peripheral trail for a perfect one–mile loop. Open sun–up to sun–down. But be careful: “Getting locked in isn’t fun,” says Harry Prevor (C’19). • Wissahicken: The farthest but 100% worth it. Five miles down the Schuylkill River trail or a short SEPTA trip away. Beautiful woodlands and trail running.



You will get sick; here’s how to make it as not–horrible as possible.

Winter is fully upon us. Illness inevitably comes with the cold weather, especially when the freezing wind is coupled with midterms, DFMOs, and ambitious weekend plans. Accept it: you will get sick. Follow Street's DIY to fight back. HELPFUL HINT #1: GINGER TEA Your friend's mom probably sent this to us; it’s very basic while simultaneously very heartwarming. It simply means well. The ingredients

and process are easy: slice up a whole clove of ginger, squeeze a whole lemon, drizzle about one tablespoon of honey into a mug, and add boiling water. Let sit, then sip. The ginger helps to settle the stomach while the honey and lemon work to coat the throat. HELPFUL HINT #2: PROBIOTICS This supposed health fad can do more than just clean your gut—many people swear by probiotics such as kombu-

cha and apple cider vinegar as ways to combat oncoming sickness. Our only advice is to stick to the probiotic–rich drinks and stay away from the yogurts—dairy is not your friend when you're sick. HELPFUL HINT #3: PINEAPPLE AND TURMERIC You’ve no doubt been advised to eat pineapple before to improve, ahem, sweetness. However, it turns out this fruit has more to offer than just flavor enhancement. In

fact, pineapple is naturally anti–inflammatory, meaning it can aid with joint pain, muscle soreness, or other types of bodily ache. Turmeric, the yellow spice used in curry, also holds these properties, and has been found to be overall medicinal. It also increases the body’s capacity for antioxidant intake. You have to take tumeric in a fairly large quantity to be effective, so try it in pill form or mix it into another food. Pineapple–turmeric smoothie, anyone?

HELPFUL HINT #4: ZINC Another rising homeopathic trend is using zinc to fight off the common cold. Though there isn’t much formal research on why, lots of people regularly consume zinc throat lozenges to both prevent sickness and to fight it off when it arrives. Time to upgrade from basic cough drops! LILY SNIDER


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RAGNAROK MAKES MARVEL’S MONEYMAKING METHOD LIKABLE Comic fanboys might still defend them, but over the past few years, superhero movies have become so formulaic that it’s become hard to distinguish one from another. When you have the kind of money that DC or Marvel handles, the recipe is not hard to follow: assemble a catchy cast, take a storyline that hasn’t been pictured yet, sprinkle it with more fight scenes than necessary, add some flashy CGI, and voilà!

You have just created the next blockbuster. It’s no surprise, then, that Marvel’s latest installment Thor: Ragnarok took American theaters by storm after it premiered last weekend. Carefully designed and heavily marketed, the final result is everything you would expect a 21st century superhero movie to be— and since the fan–favorite God of Thunder has been off–screen for two years (since the release

Same ingredients, better display

of Avengers: Age of Ultron), it was obvious that fans would flock to the cinema to watch his latest adventures. As the preliminary ratings show, most were not disappointed. Thor, as a hero, has always been funny to follow. As the crown prince of Asgard (a fictional realm that’s based on Scandinavian folklore), he is a muscular, legendary God, who would be almost intimidating if he didn’t carry his toy ham-

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mer around all the time—and if his preferred means of travel wasn’t a rainbow. What's innovative about Thor: Ragnarok is that, in many instances, it manages to ridicule this genre convention without becoming obnoxiously self–deprecating. In the beginning of the film, there is a scene in which Thor returns to Asgard only to find his father Odin watching a play about Loki’s apparent death. The crowd is crying, the lines are syrupy, and there is a choir that starts singing a melodramatic tune as Loki draws his last breath. It is specifically this meta–filmic element that seems to summarize director Taika Waititi’s intention: he wants to make sure that we, as viewers, know that we are watching a work of fiction—and a silly one, nonetheless. The creators knew that they couldn’t get rid of the nonsense, so they decided to innovate it. There are several lines in the movie that make you wonder if the action is scripted or spur–of–the–moment: Chris Hemsworth and Tom Hiddleston display their bromance by engaging in less–than–heroic acts, such as mocking each other’s choice of clothing, or calling the biggest inter– world portal “the anus.” Cate Blanchett portrays a campy villain who’s baffled by her inability to impose her authority on the common folk, who mock her incessantly. And, perhaps

most notably, Thor loses his beloved hammer—only to be reminded later that he is the God of Thunder, not the God of Hammers. This is why Ragnarok is better than most superhero movies: the protagonist actually undergoes some much–needed character development in a quasi–coming–of– age story that follows him as he tries to save his motherland without what he thought was his biggest weapon. While the movie is arguably enjoyable, it still hasn’t managed to move away from the constraints of the genre: the plot is predictable; the fight scenes kill the pace instead of speeding it up, and are just a boastful display of vigilantly crafted CGI; and unsurprisingly, the soundtrack displays the same lack of creativity with mechanical choices such as Led Zeppelin’s “Immigrant Song” (“hammer of the gods”—yes, we get the reference). Small details aside, no one can accuse Marvel of not trying. The studio produced a film that deconstructs at least some of the conventions that usually make superhero flicks so systematic. Ragnarok is incredibly funny, overall different, and the members of its star–studded cast deliver natural performances that make the movie worthy of its box–office success.



NONE THE STRANGER Spoiler alert: Eleven has hair now.

Love it or hate it, nostalgia is all the rage right now. From TV revivals of classics like Twin Peaks, Dynasty, and Will & Grace, to the return of vintage fads like berets and belt bags, the pop culture of yesteryear is back in full force. Among these resurgences is Stranger Things, Netflix’s original series. The sci–fi tale of a small town with big secrets (and an even bigger alternate dimension) was an immediate hit. Featuring a gaggle of underdog preteens and the triumphant return of alt–sweetheart Winona Ryder, the show embodied the eighties in kitschy little 50–minute packages. And now, the second–coming of the Duffer Brothers’ hit is finally at hand. So, a single question remains: will this season be anywhere near as good the first? The answer is both yes and no. Picking up several months after the return of Will Byers, the series begins with many characters struggling with the aftermath of the events of last season. Mostly what follows is more of the same trite (albeit well–integrated) cultural references, replete with meticulously curated wardrobes, and tween “will they won’t they’s.” The series does a stellar job of transporting the audience into its universe of eighties–

Hawkins, Indiana. The Duffer Brothers seamlessly integrate the minutiae and pathos of small–town life with the feel of the era. And all the while, the show’s other–worldly aspects bubble in the background. But despite this, the second– coming isn’t as glorious as it was meant to be: the dialogue is weak, the logic is flawed, and the showrunners continue to expect the audience to blindly believe that a Dungeons and Dragons handbook holds all the answers to the supposed Upside Down (with literally no explanation of this. At all.) It pains me to say this, but this season is, at best, surprisingly tired, and at worst, weirdly lazy: it all feels more like a conclusive sequel than a second chapter. But, you know, sequels are never as good as their predecessor. Sure, there’s some new stuff in the mix, but it’s really just that: stuff. So okay, we see Millie Bobby Brown skulking in a leather jacket and eyeliner, cool. We get a transparent— and frankly, flailing—attempt at #justiceforbarb (who I never liked much anyway, honestly). We even get three decidedly random couplings in this season, including Nancy and Jonathan, which would be cool if it weren’t the most expected

part of this entire season. And, in another nonsensical twist, his breakup with Nancy somehow reduces Steve’s role in the series to that of… a babysitter. Among the more notable changes is the introduction of four new central characters, none of which seem all that necessary to the plot. The first

is a one–dimensional love interest for Lucas. Then, there is the aforementioned love interest’s brother, whose cameos consist not only of unexplained, underdeveloped (and really, only implied) racism, but also a personality marked by the violent abuse of his sister, a deep–set jealousy of Steve, a complicated relationship with his father, and an attempt to run down his sister’s friends with his car. Then, there’s Joyce Byers’s throwaway live–in boyfriend, who is along for (most of ) the ride but—spoiler alert— doesn’t live to tell the tale. And finally, there’s Eleven’s “sister,” the most interesting of the bunch, yet she remains woefully underdeveloped as a character, and is present for a grand total of three episodes for the brief period in which Eleven dabbles in the Big Apple drifter–crime scene. At times, the show felt so campy and baseless that it resembled A Very Special Halloween Episode of some failed sitcom, or like the

Goosebumps version of Scream Queens. And frankly, the foray into the world of spooky Ryan Murphy–esque aestheticism is hackneyed. I went into this season a little prejudiced. Am I a fan of the pseudo–romance between Mike, an Indiana preteen, and Eleven, a telepathic mind control victim who is severely lacking in verbal skills? No. Do I think the whole “gang of childhood misfits” thing is played out? Oh, for sure. But my real problem with this season of Stranger Things is its desperate, clawing attempts to appeal to every whim of its fan base. And even still, the endeavor barely hangs on to the coattails of last season. Ultimately, it's not enough. Despite the big budget and careful attention to detail, at the end of the day, television is about stories and narrative, which this season sorely lacks.


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ZINES, ART, AND VEGAN HOAGIES Street infiltrates the Monstera's Art and Zine Festival. Photos courtesy of Gabriela Basyuk.

When I first arrive at 1714 North Mascher St., I have no idea how to get to my final destination. Is it a residential house? A block party? A gallery? I can hear bass thumping around the block, but a large, concrete wall prevents me from getting to the source. After walking around the block, I eventually find a driveway filled with people

mulling around. It leads into a secluded space in the middle of Kensington, fueled by neighboring Fishtown's population of artists. An old warehouse with exposed brick walls and massive open doors sets the tone for the Monstera’s Art and Zine Fair on Nov. 5. It looks straight out of a Pinterest post for a rustic, farmhouse wed-

ding. Tables are set up with artists presenting their wares of zines, posters, apparel, and patches. The zine is a form of small production print magazine; it's often homemade and filled with photos, drawings, poems, and written work. Although the focus of the festival is zines, there are other crafts on display including ceramics, essential



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oils, and apparel. Each vendor has their own aesthetic. One vendor's booth smells, and it smells wonderful: sultry and fragrant. She's burning a stick—an actual piece of wood. She tells me that she’s burning it because the space smelled “dank” when she walked in. Like other crafts around the festival, there's more to the stick that meets the eye. DJs on site soundtrack the warehouse with electric beats and a blend of genres. The music reflects the crowd:

a mixture of styles, with an alternative edge. When you walk around the festival, it’s apparent that everyone has on an “outfit” for this event. My simple jeans and sweatshirt uniform is surrounded by full–length coats, dark lipstick and Warby Parker glasses. There's even a vintage store on the property; it sells everything from a Harley Davidson leather vest to a jean jacket with the waistband cut off. I listen to a couple gush over a white jacket with two marijuana leaves stamped on


its back. Food and drink vendors are also on site. It’s hard to miss the fact that everyone is carrying around Tito’s cocktails and sipping on Rival Bros coffee. There’s a table selling Funky Fresh kombucha—a crowd favorite. There’s also a food cart, Kung Fu Hoagies,

camera above his head and just shooting. He captured an image of a bustling train station with commuters getting on and off an NJ Transit train. The result is a combination of fluidity and structure, with graphic lines and blurred movement. I speak to another artist who goes by

I FIND THAT EVERYWHERE I LOOK, THERE'S SOMETHING INTRICATE AND INNOVATIVE. selling vegan and vegetarian hoagies. I love the Monstera festival, but at times I’m overwhelmed by the hidden elements of the space, including what appears to be some type of violated monument. It features a curved piece of marble on the ground that has "America" etched into it, but the ‘A’ and the ‘I’ are cut out along with other squares of marble. I find that everywhere I look, there's something just as intricate and innovative. I also enjoy talking to the artists. I speak to one photographer about an image that he created by placing the

the name Mod Shity who creates T–shirts using Sharpie. He hand draws band images onto shirts to create one– of–a–kind pieces. The only downside to these, apparently, is that he recommends not washing them. Days after the fair, the event seems to carry on. The Facebook page is still active—filled with photos, a lost and found, and raffle winners. This continuation means that I never have to stop living through the fair. I'm not mad about it. FRANKIE REITMEYER

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Sep. 24, 2017 Subject: missing window/dishwasher/lights/everything Hi, Thanks for sending a maintenance guy over. Who could have known that the stovetops were actually electric and not gas, and have been working this whole time even though we did not see a flame? Certainly not us! On another note, the screen on the second floor bathroom window is missing. The dishwasher leaks A LOT, and Audrey slipped and fell and almost broke a bone yesterday. The light fixture in my room also abruptly fell from the ceiling onto my bed, just inches away from probably decapitating me. These maintenance issues are hazards that we simply refuse to live with. Our house is dangerous. Send help ASAP.

Sept. 3, 2017 Subject: broken stovetops Hi, The stovetops in our kitchen have been broken since we moved in and do not turn on at all. This is absolutely unacceptable, as we cannot cook. Please send someone to fix this immediately. Also, our front door knob is broken off and we cannot get into our house from outside. One of us has to stay home at all times to let the others in. Please send someone immediately; Rachel has to go to class. Thanks, Miri Sept. 9, 2017 Subject: stovetops STILL not fixed Hi, It’s been six days now that our maintenance request has been ignored. I’d like to emphasize the urgency of this situation. Thanks, Miri

Oct. 1, 2017 Subject: ALIENS?!? IN KITCHEN Hi, There has been evidence of FOREIGN CREATURES in our kitchen. They are eating our food and crawling through our walls. We think they come out at night. We are clean girls and it is clear that this was an existing problem when we moved into the house. It is NOT our fault. I will expect help to come today; if not, we will be expecting alternate sleeping conditions until these creatures are gone. Also, the dishwasher/windows/lights are still all broken. Thanks. Oct 9, 2017 Subject: CREATURE ISSUE UNTREATED Hello, It’s been multiple days and the creature sightings have increased. They are getting more and more fearless and are now showing themselves in broad daylight. Yesterday, I had a staredown with one in my own living room. It won, and screeched with pride. Then it ate our microwave. The maintenance guy who was here yesterday was not trained in alien creatures and was of no help. He didn’t know how to fix our dishwasher either.

Oct. 10, 2017 Subject: Re: CREATURE ISSUE UNTREATED AUTOMATED RESPONSE: Thank you for contacting Leasing Agency. Effective yesterday, I am no longer working with Leasing Agency. If this is an emergency maintenance request, good luck with receiving a response. Oct. 13, 2017 Subject: MICE Hi Liz, I have previously tried to get in touch with Joe, who it seems is no longer working for your agency. I have forwarded you our email exchange. Since then, it has been confirmed that the creatures spotted in our kitchen are indeed mice, though their size and girth is generally very distressing. They multiply very quickly and we have estimated that we are outnumbered by about 12 mice per tenant by now. I am finally coming to terms with Leasing Agency’s incompetence. We have called the Health Department and are waiting for a REAL exterminator. I feel ill. Mice carry life–threatening diseases. Thanks. SHOSHANA STERNSTEIN

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Illustration by Anne Marie Grudem In the midst of Advance Registration, students are rushing to meet with their academic advisors. However, an increasing amount of students are noticing that their advisors are nowhere to be found. Sarah Andrews (C ‘20) admits that she was actually worried about the well–being of her advisor after 11 unanswered emails. After attending his office hours promptly every single day, Sarah says she found his door locked,

with no response to her incessant knocking. “I could have sworn I heard breathing in there, and hurried movement when I tried to look through the window, but I guess he was just...away or something.” In fact, Sarah's advisor was at the Avoid Your Students When They Desperately Need You Conference, this year held on a remote island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The conference, which is held on an ad hoc basis—only held


whenever students need them most—was established to ensure that students would never be able to access key figures in their academic lives when they actually needed them. According to the conference website, this year’s keynote address is entitled, “How to Be More Available to Your Advisees.” Ben Cohen (W ‘18) and Natasha White (C ‘18) had similar experiences in which, prompted by an email with simple scheduling questions,

they both received the same form letter from their respective advisors explaining that they were “away for an important conference” and “would be out of their offices until further notice.” At the time, Ben and Natasha remarked on the peculiarity of this, as Ben’s advisor specializes in finance, and Natasha’s researches Quantum Physics. While the two students initially shrugged it off as a coincidence, they now both suspect that their advisors were

also at the convention. “Now that I think about it, I do remember a similar thing happening last year at this exact same time! And the year before...come to think of it, it’s always been a struggle meeting with my advisor and getting cleared from my registration hold…God, this is a conspiracy!” said Ben. Understandably, none of Penn’s undergraduate advisors were available for comment on the conference. SHOSHANA STERNSTEIN

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