I love online dating

I LOVE ONLINE DATING

SERIOUSLY, IT’S GREAT

Written by Kobe B. Lopez

I’ve been on Hinge since the summer of 2022, not counting the number of times I’ve deleted the app so far. The amount of soft launches I’ve been a part of would rival NASA. And while I hate to say that some of the most pivotal changes in my character were influenced by romantic relationships, I’m a sucker for plot. Treating your life like a romcom does have its risks thought, so here are some of my biggest lessons I’ve learned while navigating love and other feelings in online dating:

Trauma bomb responsibly

“I was kidnapped as a baby, wait what was the question again? Oh what’s my favorite color?” While vulnerability is appreciated, start with baby steps. After establishing that the complete stranger you’ve been texting is indeed not a serial killer, more or less, it’s always a good idea to go somewhere the two of you can talk. Ideal places being cafes, parks, boardwalks and generally anywhere with a nice ambience. Once you get there keep the conversation small. And if you’re someone who hates small talk, then pay close attention to this next part: EVERYONE HATES SMALL TALK.

Don’t get me wrong. I hate talking about the weather and how when it’s gloomy outside, I feel gloomy inside--cue “aww” sound track. And while trauma bonding may seem like an attractive talking point, focus on getting to know the basics. Be inquisitive and attentive to their responses. Conversations about lingering childhood trauma will follow over time.

Dating Multiple People

The key is communication, make your intentions clear and regularly update your google calendar. When you open Hinge for the first time a prompt appears asking you to select your dating intentions from seven different options. At the top you have “Life Partner,” and at the bottom you have “Prefer Not to Say,” the former being S-tier intimidating and the latter F-tier lackluster. I always considered myself a hopeless romantic, daydreaming in heavy traffic when I looked over and saw the driver next to me was sorta cute, then flooring the pedal when they noticed me staring. And I knew I was the monogamous type, but I also wanted to see who was out there and experience things with different types of people.

Now, I suck ass at confrontation. My voice quivers and my palms get clammy: It’s not pretty. For the longest time my dating intentions were set to “Figuring it Out” (D-tier). On the rare occasion where I saw a future with this person and felt that things were getting serious, like going halfers on a parking pass serious, I would disclose my intentions. To my surprise many of the conversations went well and while things didn’t workout romantically, there was always a clean break.

P.S. I included the google calendar thing because one time I scheduled a date back to back and I pulled up to the wrong place--I was sipping on a vanilla latte, she was waiting for me in the parking lot of Golf N’ Stuff, I still think about it when I pass by on 605.

The Vanishing Act: To Ghost, or Not to Ghost

My first date on Hinge was prefaced with two of the most wonderful weeks of banter. It was the kind of texting where you find yourself lying on your stomach in bed, with your feet in the air, swinging back and forth as you wait for their appropriately timed responses. We made plans to meet at a boba cafe and watch a movie at the drive in. On the day of I distinctly remember walking towards her and having to stop halfway to tie my shoe, my hands were sweaty making it difficult to grab the laces. When I looked up, her smile was hidden behind a set of palms as she giggled. My face was red hot.

I went in for a hug and began asking about her day. She stopped me, pulled out her phone and opened the google translate app. She spoke into her phone and her phone played back her response in english. She was an international student from China and admitted to me then that she wasn’t confident speaking English, so we continued the date using google translate to exchange funny anecdotes and flirt in a robotic tone of voice. Even with a language barrier I felt just as close to her as I did over the phone, to this day it’s still one of the best dates I’ve ever been on. After we parted ways she sent me a text, it read “I don’t think this is gonna work, you’re really awesome though” (something along the lines of that).

Long story short, ghosting fucking sucks and people should stop doing it. Just be honest with the person and if they don’t take it so well, then you can ghost them.

Icks

I still like you babe, it’s just the way you always want to play Bjork when I give you the aux that throws me off a bit.

This one is a little hard to explain. In my experience, being on dating apps has exposed me to such a wide variety of “icks” I never knew I had for other people. Highly subjective, but some icks are just bigger than others. Deal breakers even. It’s up to you to figure out what icks you can live with and speak to your significant other about, and what icks require executive action.

Deleting the App… For Now

Half the time I deleted Hinge it was because I felt like I was prioritizing romance above other relationships. Getting caught up in making memories with one person, I found myself forgetting about other people and aspirations I had dreamt for myself. In the search for somebody else it’s easy to lose yourself. It’s sort of corny, but you can’t fill another’s cup when yours is empty. It’s good to be selfish and take time to figure out who the latest iteration of yourself is. And so my last lesson in online dating is that in between dating other people, try dating yourself. Contrary to the saying– no company is better than bad company.