The 28th Amendment

THE 28TH AMENDMENT

WHY YOUR VOICE THREATENS FREEDOM

Written by Darya Jafarinejad

The antonym of freedom is freedom. Your freedom of choice infringes upon my freedom of choice. Your freedom to duck overrules my freedom to punch. Your freedom to speak challenges the freedom to be silenced.

This is exactly why we should all be supporting Bill s.686, titled Restricting the Emergence of Security Threats that Risk Information and Communications Technology Act—aka the RESTRICT Act. You may know this as the “TikTok Ban” Congress is currently deciding on. This act will protect all Americans by not only banning TikTok in the US, but allowing government officials to audit any website with over 1 million views and freely delete or censor information on the website. To put that into context, there are currently 331.9 million US residents, so this will be 0.003% of the population. . The act will also illegalize the usage of VPNs, punishable by a fine of $1,000,000 and 20 years in prison.

But honestly, this isn’t going far enough. If Congress truly wants to protect the people of the United States of America, they need to propose a new amendment.

The 28th amendment.

This amendment would override the first amendment, which was useless to begin with. Now, you spoiled liberal gen-z snowflakes may bitch and moan about this, but shut up for once in your life and listen. The adults are talking.

This new 28th amendment would include the RESTRICT Act and new governmental enforcement policies. All the new information available will be produced and verified by a newly established organization, under the 28th amendment. This organization will be called the Collection Of Rational, Religious, United Political and Transformed Information Of The Nation, or CORRUPTION for short.

Firstly, we would ban Apple and all its products. Fuck apples anyways, they’re red, like communists. Apple would be replaced with a new company called “©arrot”, created by mysterious emerging entrepreneur Zark Muckerberg. The usage of devices produced by this company would be mandated, and anyone caught using Apple will have their hands cut off. (Android is, and always has been, irrelevant, so removing that won’t be an issue.) We will burn Apple products at 1000 degrees Fahrenheit.

Books will not need to be burned. We’re not dictators, after all. Presses will stop running, as everything is online anyways. Books will simply be recycled into toilet paper until we run out of books, in which case we will return to normal toilet paper.

However, we understand that carpal tunnel is an issue. To combat this, anytime a person types on a ©arrot, handcuffs will dart out of the device and wrap around the person’s hands. That way, their wrists won’t hurt from typing their love and support for the government (as well as restricting other types of messages).

Second, we will edit the algorithm on these devices to solely display government messages and sponsorships, and these will be played on a 25-hour, 8-day loop. It’s the only content worth watching anyways. Of course, we’re not monsters! We will showcase exceptionally entertaining content! That includes our government sponsorships. Dance Moms, Love Island, Duck Dynasty, and The Kardashians will be part of this loop. Intellectually challenging media makes our brains hurt, according to an article written by Zark Muckerberg titled, “My Brain Hurts When I Watch Intellectually Challenging Media.”

Additionally, everyone will be obligated to wear a government-assigned electric collar. The collar will be pre-programmed to detect certain buzzwords. Every time those predetermined words are spoken, the speaker will experience a (non-lethal) electric shock. If the buzzwords are spoken more than a certain number of times, civic duty will mandate that the speaker’s mouth will be sewn up.

This will be made infinitely easier when the English language is reduced. This will be accomplished by removing words from the English dictionary. Words such as, rebellion, resistance, depression, censorship, discontent, anger, originality, creativity, fascism, dictatorship, poison, racism, lies, sexism, and more will be eradicated. Of course, they are all buzzwords.

This will not apply to the Bible, however. As we are children of God, and his most devout followers, we would never dare infringe upon His words. We could never silence God and Jesus! It’s a different story with other religions, but our Christian God shall speak unrestricted. Now you may call this “hypocrisy” (another buzzword), but that simply isn’t true. Humans are stupid and everything they say—with the exception of government officials—is trash. God and Jesus, however, are honest, genuine beings that we seek to serve in every way possible because we are His most holy disciples.

Moreover, any and all communication with the outside world will be illegalized. Why would you even want to talk to anyone from a foreign country anyways? Unless you’re a communist! The internet’s communication abilities will only be used for talking to approved US citizens.

You know what? Let’s go further than simply restricting the internet! Coalitions shall come into formation with the singular goal of hunting down political dissidents. We’ll even bring back the guillotine! We can use the heads to build a glorious wall that isolates and guards us from the outside world.

The 28th amendment may be met with some initial resistance *cough cough snowflakes*, it is only because its inherent beauty and utopian qualities cannot yet be comprehended. In the old days, the new powers granted by the 28th amendment were called corruption—I mean protection!

Our carefully crafted amendment has refined and perfected all the best characteristics from the most powerful governments globally. No other nation will hold more power than us. And in our absolute power, you can be certain that all potential foreign danger will be eradicated.

Do you see? Your freedom of choice and speech threatens the government’s freedom. Another word for governmental freedom is democracy. Do you want to be responsible for the downfall of democracy? Are you truly that selfish, that avaricious, that wicked?

The 28th amendment protects you from yourself, and protects our society from your hazardous, treasonous words. Innovations such as ©arrot, electric collars, witch-hunt coalitions, toilet paper novels, manipulated algorithms, verboten words, government information organizations and guillotines shall launch us into a utopian future.

And who are you to scorn utopianism?!

Trust us, the 28th amendment is the best representation of freedom. And honestly, no one cares if you disagree.

This is America. We’ll tell you what freedom is.