There is rift in my relationship with Long Beach State

THERE IS A RIFT IN MY RELATIONSHIP WITH LONG BEACH STATE

IMPOSTER SYNDROME IS NOT THE ONLY ONE TO BLAME

Written by Kamryn Bouyett

There is a riff in my relationship with Long Beach State. Imposter Syndrome has been prescribed to many students, but I believe I’m unable to grasp the fact that success isn’t weighed by external gratification. It is instead determined by connections, money, and the ability to network. My education has flourished here at LBSU. I have met amazing individuals with drive and motivation for their respective fields.

As a peer looking at them from the outside, I feel unfit for those jobs, not because I lack those qualities but because I’m not confident in them. Only in this month the stress of deadlines has bled into my personal development. I second guess myself now. I’ve convinced myself trying isn’t worth it anymore because what’s worse than failing? A silly project I had put off instead becomes a confusing panic attack. Then, into embarrassment.

I have learned how to handle Imposter Syndrome through my own mental health struggles. Similarly, I’ve felt the most supported when people share their experiences that match my own.

The announcement of the demolition of the resource building and its relocation has convinced me that I have more than just my career to be anxious about. Visiting the building for the second time, it made me realize how impractical it is to move a very important piece for building community to the basement of the library. Being a transfer student at a four-year university feels impersonal. I’ve been scrambling to find people who I can connect to who are also trying to navigate the school, their education and future career.

Next month, I will be earning my Bachelors in journalism. Next month? I don’t know. My goals and worth seem to be held onto this last hurrah. Graduation. The one time where I’ll be recognized, for me, Kamryn Bouyett. For the two years I committed to the Beach. I have wasted tears, driven miles, ran across quads and walked plenty of steps for my name to be said, on my graduation day.

What has the school gained? My money. The pesto chicken sandwich I had to buy because I didn’t pack my own lunch. The scantrons I have stocked piled up because I thought I didn’t have any. The $500 dollar parking pass that I used last year as a student and while I lived on campus.

Currently the parking permit as a student for one semester is $300. So, for a full year at LBSU students this year had to pay $600. That is a crazy number for a parking pass. Even the distance between (actually) available parking spaces and parking on campus is completely different. It’s also important to consider when you’re weighing out the time it took to make that money.

If I didn’t need to purchase my permit last year; I would have bought a new pair of Doc Martens (the open toed, platformed ones). Or just simple repairs on my car, gas, rent, food. There are so many different things.

Why is it $500? Well, according to the CSULB Parking and Transportation Services FAQ page, the slow increase of the permit is to maintain the parking facilities and transportation services they provide on campus. They described the parking prices as “quite low when compared to other CSU campuses.” We were ranked 17 in 2021 for being the most affordable parking permit but second in providing the most parking spaces (lol they also said we were ranked behind Cal Poly Pomona). With over 14,000 parking spaces on campus I still have to park next to the Bob Cole Conservatory so I at least have a spot to park on campus.

Okay great. We are funding the infrastructure of an institution I will be graduating from in a month, cool. For only 105 days of my first semester at the beach, I paid $250. Then, for the next semester I moved to Beachside, the off campus dorms (subpar to the others sadly) and paid $250 more. Yes. I had to pay for a parking spot off campus housing. It was crazy. The same parking enforcers would come and scout out license plates. I was so scared of getting a ticket until one day I did.

I had parked the night before in a parking lot near the building of my first class. The next day I was going around minding my business, going to classes and when I walked up to my car I had a ticket. I had parked the night before after 5:30 p.m. but I did not realize I needed to be out of that parking lot by the morning. That $60 I had to pay hurt my pockets at the time. Funny thing is, the only reason I had parked in the spot the night before was so I didn’t have to walk back to Los Alamitos to get my car just to drive back the way I had walked.

It was so frustrating trying to figure out ways to get to my class quicker and without losing any money. The amount of gas I had to put in my 2011 Kia Soul (which was totaled last year on the 405 freeway) to get from the San Fernando Valley to Long Beach must be more than the $500 I originally spent.

Can you tell I’ve been paying attention in my economics class? My brain is absolute mush from the amount of time I’ve spent stressing over money, my career and my future. Learning economics this semester has been the worst. It’s been fueling my anger and causing me to question: Why did I choose Long Beach State?

I am tired. My cap and gown are still in their packaging because I’m too scared to open it. I think I would have opted out of graduation if they sent the option to do so.

I’m now only going for my family. My opinion on the matter isn’t as significant to first generation students, students with more barriers preventing them continuing their education. There are so many stories, backgrounds and experiences students have shared especially through the recent Let 23’ Walk coverage.

I wonder if the president is even listening (or reading). We, as students, hold power despite the president. According to the people I’ve met through movements like these have allowed me to see what really matters. Our voices.

Without us, Long Beach State would not be the successful school that it is. Even if you haven’t received any gratitude for the work you’ve done, I am proud of you. This year will be the third year in a row where graduates’ names will not be called. Why?

I believe the commodification of education has caused the resources students (actually) want to go underfunded. Soon the only evidence of this will be no air conditioning in the Fine Arts buildings, a Covid safe commemoration and a pile of old 60s cement.