Journalism is dead and so are these student media bastards

JOURNALISM IS DEAD AND SO ARE THESE STUDENT MEDIA BASTARDS

STUDENT MEDIA ‘GANG WAR’ LEFT THREE STUDENTS DEAD, BUT THANK GOD WE STILL HAD SOMEONE LEFT TO REPORT IT

Written by Reyn Ou

A major gang war between student media associates left three students dead over the weekend, law enforcement officers reported. Among the victims were DIG Magazine editor-in-chief, Vittina Ibanez, 22 West Media video producer, Duy Mai, and a Daily 49er staffer who could not be identified due to extreme facial disfigurement.

Witnesses heard two gunshots near the LA-4 complex. When law enforcement arrived on the scene, the source of the shooting was discovered to be an unaffiliated TPUSA member. While shaking his hand, officers completely missed the purely physical skirmish happening between the three student media gang members in the courtyard mere yards away.

“Cause of death seems to be blunt force trauma,” said UPD officer Kevin Prost. “Though I wish that Turning Point member just shot them all.” According to law enforcement, the confrontation began when a Daily 49er staffer caught Mai crossing the boundaries of the Upper West Side Demarcation Zone. Mai was filming content for his 22 West docuseries, Spotlight, on 49er grounds—he was immediately jumped. Ibanez attempted to intervene, as Mai was recently initiated as DIG’s multimedia editor next semester, but was fatally brutalized in the process.

“You should’ve seen it,” said Jensen Puckett, editor-in-chief of 22 West Magazine. “Duy kept screaming ‘Spotlight’ over and over. He put up a good fight though. That 49er didn’t stand a chance.”

Allegedly, Mai was attempting to investigate the self-immolation of collegiate journalist Reyn Ou, who was affiliated with all three publications. Ou had reportedly set themself on fire in front of the University Student Union the week prior as a political statement to protest the profit-driven and transphobic landscape of mainstream journalism.

“It’s just like Reyn to go out so nobly,” said Anthony Lewis, a 22 West Video volunteer. “By the way, does anyone know what happened to the microwave? I wanted to make my special edition Spider-Man mac n’ cheese. It’s red and blue.”

In an interview with 22 West Magazine lead copy editor, Natalie Comfort, Ou made vitriolic comments criticizing the practices of both the Daily 49er and the Department of Journalism and Public Relations. Mai was said to have suspicions about the true nature of Ou’s death, leading him to trespass on 49er territory to interrogate.

“I mean, I’m not surprised that Duy didn’t buy it— Reyn says a lot of things,” said Sofia Carlos, managing editor at 22 West Magazine. “They’ve always said that they were going to kill themself to make JPR confront what it did to them, but they also wouldn’t stop talking about this ‘Instant Hot Yerb’ idea they had as well.”

Tensions among student media gangs were exacerbated when the three publications had territorial disputes over being the first to break the story. Before first responders could put out the flames on Ou’s body, reporters had already staked out the residence of their partner, Alina Kim, to ask for a quote.

In response, Kim publicly announced that she would not speak to anyone regarding Ou’s death. All publications have been unable to cope with the capital loss of not being able to weaponize a young woman’s grief for a clickable headline.

A DIG representative commented that the campus magazine deserved to break the story first because Ou had served them the longest.

“Shouldn’t that mean something, that Reyn decided to produce content for us the most?” asked the representative. “We could have really used the panache of their death.”

DIG later stated that it had changed its mind about covering the story, as the nature of Ou’s death did not align with its mission as a lifestyle magazine. It will instead publish a roundup story of the best places to self-immolate on campus.

A representative from the Daily 49er argued that it was entitled to Kim’s quote because “any property of that queer Reyn is property of BeachMedia.” There were more comments that the publication gave, but none could be used due to rampant misgendering and queerphobic language when referring to Ou.

Regardless, Kim has specifically refused to work with the campus newspaper. Honoring their commitment to objective and ethical journalism that accurately represents the interests of the student body, the Daily 49er gave up searching for a relevant source upon the slightest inconvenience and subsequently interviewed President Jane Close Conoley for her thoughts instead to meet the self-imposed deadline for its article.

When reached for comment, 22 West Media responded by saying that the publication had just found out what AP Style was, and thus a news report could never be in the works. Instead, the video branch will create an experimental narrative short called Portrait of a Reyn on Fire. All of 22 West Magazine’s funds will be divested into the production of this short.

“We were originally going to name it Future Ou,” said 22 West Video intern Movie DeOlden. “It was just going to be us screaming ‘FUTURE OU’ for three hours. It took me like two months to develop that script.”

When asked about Mai’s death, DeOlden said a separate commemoration wouldn’t be necessary. “They’re like the same person,” said DeOlden. “Both of them were planning to try this ‘hot Yerba Mate in a can’ recipe Reyn wouldn’t shut up about. We were going to make some for the watch party, but the microwave’s blown up for some reason.”

In a public statement, the Department of Journalism and Public Relations said: “We are deeply impacted by the tragic loss of our JPR students, including Reyn. Reyn’s work was always the most valuable thing about Reyn, and when Reyn took Reyn’s life so soon as one of the only remaining transgender journalists in our department, we all swore due diligence to honor queer students like Reyn and give Reyn the basic human dignity of acknowledging Reyn’s identity.”

When asked why the statement repeatedly used Ou’s name in place of using their pronouns, the JPR department proceeded to deny ever knowing Ou and said that they/them pronouns weren’t grammatically correct anyways.

Despite the violent loss of four students, no publication has made an effort to resolve the conflicts between each other.

“It just doesn’t make sense to me,” said Rachel Livinal, a member of DIG and 22 West Radio. “Why would they even fight about who gets to tell Reyn’s story first when their body is still out there?”

The remains of Ou’s corpse have been outside the University Student Union for five days. No one has come to dispose of it yet due to the ongoing collegiate gang war. It is unclear as to why the task of removing Ou’s body was delegated to student media.

“I think Reyn should be cremated,” said Caroline Smith, a 22 West Video producer. “But that’s just me.”

Editor’s Note: At the time of publishing this article, it has been ruled that Reyn Ou’s death was not a suicide, but in fact a freak accident involving a microwave and a can of Yerba Mate.