22 West Magazine - 2022 March Issue

Page 20

GRUNION

BY CAROLINE SMITH

ILLUSTRATION BY NINA WALKER

WE DEMAND

PADS!

WHY WE NEED FREE PADS AND TAMPONS IN ALL UNIVERSITY BATHROOMS, BEFORE IT ’S TOO LATE

L

ong Beach State really needs to up its game in accommodating students with periods, but the least they could do is supply free pads and tampons in all campus bathrooms. It’s really not much of an ask, and we all know that if cis men demanded it, they would be given whatever they want in a heartbeat. But let’s face it, if pads and tampons were available in bathrooms, life would be infinitely easier for us period-having-peeps. Men just don’t get what a hassle it is to deal with. You feel like you’ve been stabbed in the gut twenty times, you have the weirdest appetite, and you want nothing more than to create a nest in your bed and do absolutely nothing. I mean, I remember what it was like having my first period. I was so confused on how I was supposed to reabsorb my blood I just Carrie-ed myself (i.e. pouring a bucket of blood on my head). Personally, I employ the tamponback-in-the-nose method in order to regain my lost blood. I know it gives you nosebleeds, but I find it the most convenient. The more popular method is of course swishing the blood into a Hydro Flask of moon-water and lavender and

chugging it, but I know people who like to make a face mask or use some complicated Gregorian chants. Of course, when us gals and pals don’t reabsorb our blood properly, Gaia becomes enraged. I cannot believe I have to explain this, but the reason women bleed once a month is not because of ovulation or the forbidden fruit, or whatever you’ve been led to believe. We bleed to keep the demons at bay. It’s like tying a carrot on a stick to make a horse move. The illusion of our blood, our presumptuous injury, leads creatures from their realm to Earth. They are enticed long enough by our blood until they stay too long (about a week or so) when they die of exposure to like 5G or something. Of course, after that little ruse we have to reabsorb the blood. I mean duh, right. It’s a very simple process really: bleed a little, trap and kill the monsters, reabsorb lost blood. No matter how tedious it is though, failure to reabsorb blood would throw off our cycles, and chaos would reign. Here’s the thing, this isn’t just an article, this is an ultimatum. On May 16 a total lunar

“This isn’t just an article, this is an ultimatum” eclipse will occur over Long Beach, at which we can make no promises over the effects of our unabsorbed blood. We could see the campus squirrels turn rabid and eat through the walls. The Japanese Gardens could burst, leaving koi fish in the Psychology building. The grass lawns could become biodiverse! Total chaos! So let’s avoid that. Give us free pads and tampons in the bathrooms. Heck, while we’re at it, include a cauldron and a few eyes of newts, you never know when you’ll need one of those. Maybe add some ancient texts on curses too. And for personal reasons, can I get a little boat shaped like an upside-down toadstool so I can adventure down the lagoon to the sea?

20

22W_MarchIssue_InDesignFile.indd 20

3/1/22 1:05 PM


Turn static files into dynamic content formats.

Create a flipbook

Articles inside

CONTRIBUTOR LIST

1min
page 31

NOTE FROM AN EDITOR

1min
page 29

BEHIND THE COVER ART

2min
pages 28-29

BACK TO NORMAL

5min
pages 26-27

QUIZ FOR THE GIRLS!

4min
pages 24-25

25 YEARS LATER "BUFFY" STILL SLAYS

5min
pages 22-23

WE DEMAND PADS!

3min
pages 20-21

OUTSTANDING FEMALE ARTISTS

5min
pages 18-19

VITALITY

2min
page 17

FULL BODIED

1min
page 16

EMBRACING FEMININITY, ATTACKING PATRIARCHY

4min
pages 14-15

HOW LBSU FAILED RECRUITING BLACK STUDENTS

7min
pages 12-13

THE PERFOMANCE OF FEMINISM

4min
pages 10-11

THE PR OLYMPICS WITH BRENDA MELARA

5min
pages 8-9

NOT FEMME, BUT FEMININE

4min
pages 6-7

MOLDING THE MINDS OF FUTURE ACTIVISTS

4min
page 5

LETTER FROM AN EDITOR

2min
page 4
Issuu converts static files into: digital portfolios, online yearbooks, online catalogs, digital photo albums and more. Sign up and create your flipbook.