YOUR ACTIONS DON’T DEFINE YOU

YOUR ACTIONS DON’T DEFINE YOU

HOW I AND FIVE MEMBERS OF A SUPPORT GROUP DEAL WITH OCD

By Joshua Biragbara

When you look at depictions of obsessive-compulsive disorder in the media, it’s typecast as a cleanliness or checking disorder, i.e. washing your hands more times than necessary, checking if your stove has been turned off multiple times. But while those themes are valid, there’s other types of the disorder that are lesser known by the public. OCD, defined as a mental health disorder in which people have recurring, unwanted thoughts, ideas, or sensations (obsessions) that make them feel driven to do something repetitively (compulsions) to the point of interfering with daily life, includes common themes such as relationship OCD, existential OCD, moral and religious scrupulosity OCD and real event OCD. Different themes of OCD are rarely mutually exclusive; most sufferers have more than one theme.

I have OCD myself and my main themes are real event and moral scrupulosity. It started when I’ve done and said a few things that I regretted over a year ago and I began to obsess on whether or not I deserved eternal damnation. It was awful. I spent days in bed, just ruminating over the incidents, asking myself questions: Should I be punished more harshly? Am I an inherently evil person? Should I confess my transgressions to my loved ones? I began googling these questions and what I should do and it was on the Internet that I learned about the depths of OCD. That it was not just an obsession with washing your hands but a whole different monster. But despite the depressing outlook, I discovered enduring hope. OCD sufferers have one of the strongest communities in the world of mental health out there.

There are multiple online support groups for multiple themes of ocd on platforms from Facebook to Discord to Whatsapp. I joined a few support groups and one that stood out to me was a 35-member strong Whatsapp group. The diverse group members come from all walks of life but all suffer from real-event OCD. I felt so loved by these people that I decided to write an article about them and their struggles. I hope to help other people who suffer or think that they are suffering from OCD to realize that they’re not alone. Five members in particular (with names changed to protect privacy) wanted to tell me their stories in their own words and how they dealt with this monster. These are their stories:

Mary, 29, Graphic Designer, Philadelphia, US: “Real-event OCD (REOCD) has affected me more than any other theme of ocd I have lived with. It influences how you live your life, even down to the smallest of things like brushing your teeth. One day when I was experiencing a wave of panic with my REOCD, in an act of compulsion I googled my thought process and stumbled upon the REOCD subreddit.

I was relieved to see there was a group chat, and setting my social anxiety aside, I decided to join. It was one of the best decisions I could have made because living with a mental health condition that makes you feel alone, I found a community of people who understand everything I go through. Nowadays, I manage my OCD a lot better with the help of the chat and the support it provides. I think it’s important to have people you can relate to when it comes to living with such a debilitating condition.”

Fabian, 26, Actor, London, UK: “OCD really wrecked havoc upon me for at least half a decade, I never used to date, go out; OCD blackmailed me into a debilitating silence.

The support group has helped me as it’s a really safe supportive space in order to vent my frustrations and emotions of coming out of debilitating levels of OCD. I’m dealing with my OCD great actually, it’s the after effects of the condition that have been the hardest my lack of proper education hits me hardest the most but it’s balanced with a bittersweetness as whilst my life became incredibly small due to this condition now it’s getting bigger again and I’m gladly reclaiming my life again."

Amy, 33, Social Worker, Lisbon, Portugal: “Real-event [OCD] have significantly impacted my life. It got to a point where I couldn’t work and was barely leaving the house. It turned me into a recluse and most people who know me know that I love people and being social so it was deeply distressing.

I don’t actually remember how I found our group, but I found us when we were just starting out. It is beautiful to see what we’ve grown into. It has helped me tremendously. I always say that shame keeps us sick, and in our group I have found a home with people who understand me and accept me just as I am. I am not glad that others have suffered the same pain as me, because I try not to wish suffering on anyone. But it has made me feel so much less alone to hear their similar experiences, and through feeling so much compassion for the struggles of the other people in the group, I have begun to find the edges of compassion for myself.”

Carolina, 21, Psychology student, Rome, Italy: “My real-event OCD started in the middle of my OCD recovery journey. I’ve struggled with many themes in my life, and I was specifically recovering from relationship OCD and checking OCD. It was seven to eight months of daily panic; I lost all ability to function which delayed my graduation by six months. I’ve felt a lot of grief for all the progress I’ve made and lost because of it.

My health also has suffered a lot of consequences: since I was unable to do anything in the first few months, even walking the stairs became very hard work for my heart that was having palpitations all day. The immense anxiety caused me also to have daily headaches, hair loss, muscle aches from the built up tension, and my concentration was/is completely lost. I found this support group through the subreddit for this subtype of OCD, and it has quite literally changed the course of my recovery. I started making progress so much faster, something that also my therapist has noticed. I think this is because of the pure love and acceptance that oozes out of everyone in the chat.

After months of isolation, self-hatred, being convinced that everyone hates you, finding people that welcome you with open arms and are always available to listen, encouraging you is moving in a way I can’t really convey into words. You finally feel like you’re not battling this alone, but that you have an army behind you. Judgement is completely thrown out the window, and the only focus is supporting each other to have a fulfilling and thriving life. I feel like having these sorts of spaces is crucial for OCD as it is a very stigmatized disorder, and we often feel like we can’t open up about it because of all the misconceptions or ignorance people may have about it. As of right now, I’m managing my OCD by having therapy sessions weekly with a CBT-trained therapist and I’m currently considering medication. I would say that I’m still deep into the trenches of OCD, but I feel more supported and held than ever, and I think these tools will go a long way in my journey.”

Cristina, 20, Artist, San Jose, US: “To begin, hello to whomever is reading this. I am glad you have found this. What follows won’t be something light but this is my journey so far and my experience with real-event OCD and of course how I met others like me.

Real-event manifests itself from past mistakes. REOCD is the extreme all-consuming guilt [when] the sufferer deems themselves the worst irredeemable human, and least deserving of life. Even if a sufferer knows they have OCD they could deny they do because REOCD is based around real events, not an irrational fear, [so] finding help can be so hard… it does not help REOCD tells us we can not possibly deserve kindness, our family, or help. Which is why I am so beyond grateful I have discovered what REOCD is and others who unfortunately also have it. I had found the current Whatsapp support group through a REOCD subreddit, they have been beyond helpful in my treatment… they would help me with is distancing myself from my disorder by seeing how I’m not alone. I am still nowhere near a healthy place with REOCD but I am so much better than I would be had I not met so many wonderful humans who also have my condition.”

Through the stories of these five people from different walks of life and countries, you saw the face of courage and love. I saw the bonds that this community had through fighting real-event OCD and I wanted every part of it. OCD pauses and even shortens lives but one of the best therapies revolving this mental health disorder is through finding a village that supports you every step of the way.