NAVIGATING MY MENTAL ILLNESS WITH CAPS

NAVIGATING MY MENTAL ILLNESS WITH CAPS

The Experience of Someone with a Serious Mental Illness and Campus Resources

By Vivien Gray Valoren

Navigating one’s mental health can be a laborious journey into a frontier of fear and terror as one goes not forward, but inward. For some of us here, being outside of one’s household for the first time allows for introspection not previously afforded. For others, it is only another step in the long journey of managing a mental illness. LBSU provides resources for us here, and some can enjoy relief, albeit for the time they are enrolled here. For many mental health care is vital to access, but is gatekept by wealth inequality. This finely illustrates why the quality of mental health care we receive on campus should be managed well. It is a vital resource we all benefit from with our tuition money.

Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS), located in Brotman Hall, is the department that manages mental healthcare services, but what is the quality of such care? Is it enough? And is the student populace even aware, let alone confident enough, to access such resources? These are questions that should be asked as managing our mental health isn’t something that should be taken lightly, because for many of us it’s a heavy weight to carry. A weight I am managing.

before I arrived at LBSU, I had gotten into contact with a case manager as I had recently run from my parents. I was moving into an entirely new environment as I had spent almost my entire life in Palm Springs. I knew I needed resources. Eventually, when I moved to campus I got into contact with CAPS. I needed therapy for PTSD caused by sexual abuse I experienced as a young child.

After my first appointment, I was referred to trauma counseling by the Student Health Center (SHC) as CAPS wasn’t equipped for the counseling I needed. I continue to go to trauma counseling by SHC to this day because my trauma isn’t limited to six sessions, which is what each student is allotted per semester. I am fortunate enough there doesn’t appear to be a limit to my trauma counseling, as my issues are all long-term. It would be impossible to manage classes, let alone my life, with only six sessions to cover my profound trauma. Especially since I’ve had to switch therapists before, and knowing I have to risk one of my uses would make it seem daunting to try an entirely new system of therapy. Nevertheless, consulting with mental health services always trumps foregoing them because one is too anxious to contact them.

When I first arrived here, I had trouble sleeping. Every little noise kept me on edge and it often took me half an hour or more to fall asleep. I was fearful every time I heard my suitemates use the bathroom. I would sometimes wake up from awful nightmares, and I was fearful of becoming close to anyone because I didn’t want them to hurt me. Sometimes when I’d get triggered, I’d spend hours in bed just lying there and crying. The entire world was enveloped into fear for me, and I had to navigate through it.

Unbeknownst to me, I had been suffering from severe hypervigilance for my entire life because of the abuse I experienced as a child. This made being vulnerable with anyone an extremely difficult challenge as I wanted to avoid being harmed at all costs. Even telling the therapists was hard at first, because I was afraid I’d be involuntarily committed. I realize now opening up and asking for help was the best choice I could have made for myself.

Though I still struggle with some aspects of my PTSD, it has gotten better thanks to the professional care I’ve received. I never once felt like my trauma counselor, the case manager, or the counselor from CAPS did not take my plights seriously. I have never felt doubted, nor felt like I wasn’t listened to. I am the most thankful for as dealing with therapists who gatekeep is a stressful situation, especially for someone like me who wasn’t even aware of their own PTSD. Even more so as my mistrust of strangers would only get worse if I were to have a bad experience with the psychological services offered on campus. Those who give therapy to people who are in their most vulnerable state should be experienced at doing so, as the wrong words can create more barriers someone must struggle with. This issue can be made even more harrowing when one is Queer, as bigoted therapists do exist. I have felt completely safe and welcomed by the counseling services, and I especially appreciate that they do offer counseling for transgender-specific healthcare.

The journey of my mental health has been a path that has led me through the nightmares of my past and the relieving promises of the future. As daunting and as nerve-wracking as it is to ask for help, it’s the best decision I have ever made for myself. Though it is painful to dredge up old struggles, the relief from doing so makes it all worth it. I couldn’t have made this progress without the efforts of my trauma counselor and the resources provided by CAPS. Though they are more equipped for short-term counseling, the infrastructure is in place to delegate long-term cases, like mine, to specialized trauma counselors or to off-campus therapists.

I understand the stressors of juggling college, coursework, jobs, a social life, extracurricular activities and everything else between. Mental illness is an extraordinarily difficult task that sees many struggle beyond what they are capable of handling on their own. It’s a sensitive line between managing life and spiraling downward. It’s why I recommend CAPS to all my friends who are struggling with anxiety or depression or stress, although I still advise them it’s better to find long-term counseling. Self-care is warfare, and we should use all the tools we can to stay alive.