BEST WAX BEST COMEDY SHOW Sally Helm YCC’s attempt at crowd-sourcing with its GoogleDoc on campus safety. Our lovely college council sent out a link to ask students for input (just as every student government officer ever has promised they will do) and everybody went, well, craaazzyyy. Some highlights: “Halloween wasn’t very fun this year. Can we make it Halloween again?” “SOO COLD IN THE D, HOW THE FUCK DO WE ’POSED TO KEEP PEACE?” and some new contact info for the illustrious board, “ycc@bald.edu.” This comedy show was the best because you didn’t even have to leave your Bass cubicle to enjoy it. Traditionalists like “improv groups” make you walk all the way to a venue to see them (for example, to the Morse/Stiles Crescent Underground Theater for the Purple Crayon’s Midnight Madness show on Tues. December 11, at 11:59 p.m.). LAME. Also, the Doc was comedy with a higher purpose: improving the quality of student life. The YCC has just released its report on campus safety, and they promise that “The 19-page report contains a breakdown of lighting problems around campus, a catalogue of incidence reports sent by Chief Higgins this year, and a list of student recommendations regarding ways to improve police services.” Score!!! I’m expecting year-round Halloween to be announced any day now.
Best-Waxed Senior Most people do not look forward to a regular body waxing. In fact, too many people avoid it all together. They envision Steve Carrell screaming “AAHH! FUCK ME IN THE ASSHOLE” as a woman rips off all of his chest hair in The-40-Year-Old Virgin and think, this probably isn’t right for me. Some just think they can get away with hairy legs and privates in the colder months. But it’s time to face the facts. Fact #1. Steve Carrell plays a virgin in that movie. Fact #2. Humans are no longer living in caves and it is no longer acceptable to sport body hair over half an inch long. Fact #3. Hair is never that blonde. Luckily, we in New Haven can boldly face these facts because right down the street at the Omni Hotel they will remove all of that body hair for you. That’s right, Jo Bella is not just a way to call out to the main character in Twilight, it’s a spa located at 155 Temple St. Yale students are given hefty discounts there, not to mention treated like real live citizens who care about their appearances. Upon arrival, you are first escorted to a beautiful waiting area, with tea and a small trickling fountain, which reminds you to pee before you expose your naked bottom half to a perfect stranger. Then, you are taken into a private room where a waxer will quickly rip off all of those unnecessary little hairs while distracting you with a story about their adorable children. It may hurt, but it’s worth it, and if you are lucky they will even show you the hair on the used strips so you can think to yourself, “I can’t believe I had that on my body, let’s do this.” But beware, nothing is off-limits in a waxer/waxee relationship, so it’s up to you to draw the boundaries. Before you know it, it will all be over and you can walk back to campus a bit sticky with bits of blue wax in unfortunate places, but knowing that you are desirable inside and out (of your clothes, of course).
WORST JOKE Eli Mandel
BEST MUSTACHE David Gore It is with a somewhat heavy heart that I write this appraisal of the greatest moustache that ever graced Yale’s campus—and, quite possibly, that ever graced the world. President-elect Peter Salovey’s face was once the canvas from which that most miraculous crescent of facial hair proudly burst forth. Though his upper lip is dishearteningly bare of late, now is not the time to mourn the misguided mindset that led our Commander-in-Chief to desecrate his face, or to curse the villainous razors (read: enablers) that deprived the world of this monument to new-age masculinity. Now is instead the time to remember the joy that this bushy miracle once brought into our lives. Equal parts Groucho Marx and Joseph Stalin, the moustache did wonders for Salovey’s somewhat Squidward-esque nose, which now (no offense, Prez) just takes up way too much of his face. It was at once a trendy accessory and an avuncular touch that made this titan of a man seem far more huggable. President Salovey, we applaud your contributions to the field of psychology, your bluegrass skillz, and your emotional intelligence. We have total confidence in your ability to lead this university towards grand new horizons. But above all, we salute and honor the memory of your trusty best friend; the ever-present little caterpillar that stands behind so much of your success; the man, the myth, the legend: Peter Salovey’s Mustache.
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The Yale Herald (Dec. 7, 2012)
Our dear friends over at the YD“N” bring us all kinds of scintillating news. Recent headlines have included “Student Drinking Tops National Average” and “Journalist Advocates Investigative Reporting”—shockers, both. But while the front page of the YD“N” can put me right back to sleep over my morning cup of Yale Dining dishwater, at least it affirms that the world at 8 a.m. is more or less the world I left when I went to bed two hours before. So why oh why do those friends of ours insist on producing the joke issue year after year? The People’s Daily, an official “news” outlet in the People’s Republic of China, recently took The Onion at face value when it declared Kim Jong Un “sexiest man alive.” That, my friends, is exactly how much brainpower I have to devote to the YD“N” on a good day. Don’t make my life more confusing by throwing your “jokes” in!
BEST FACTUALLY INACCURATE AWARD Playboy’s award of Honorable Mention: Best Sex Life this fall to...Yale.