OBITUARIES

LOPATA HOUSE

Hulk the Second from Lopata House, The Village, passed away on Tuesday, January 24, 2023. He was one month and seventeen days old.

Hulk was hatched from his aquatic egg sack in early December. At least, his owners hope so. Otherwise, he sat in that shit-filled Petco fish tank way longer than any creature of Mother Earth’s bosom should.

Hulk had the soul of a reincarnated Vietnam War Vet, so we didn’t like to breach the topic of political views with him. Alas, he was an avid reader of the Danforth Dispatch article titles. In his spare time, Hulk liked to brood and watch the world burn, blowing bubbles in his Pirates-of-the-Carribean-themed fish tank like cigar smoke.

Owners Sara (from the Bay Area; no H) and Ella (from Westchester; two Ls) watched Hulk die on that fateful Tuesday. They played “All Too Well”, Taylor’s ten minute version, on loop, claiming that “this was Hulky’s favorite song”. Counterpoint from Jack Lu from across the hall in Lopata 3010: Taylor was Hulk’s 13th reason.

Sara and Ella have another roommate, Tina, who was not an official owner of Hulk. Tina is in EST, and insisted on performing mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on Hulk the Second as he died. However, we all know that Hulk would have been in favor of DNRs, and thus, Sara and Ella concluded to deny the motion. They were kinda disturbed by how upset that made Tina… they did not like the way she was staring at Hulk’s pouty trout lips. Tina suggested they hold an open-casket funeral for Hulk.

Hulk the Second was flushed down the toilet in the private stall in the basement of Olin (all my poop-shy people know where that is) on October 20th, 2022. Lu said that the corpse smell was unbearable, and that he would have called the RA if the flush funeral got pushed back another day. When the smell did not go away after the funeral, all three women and Lu filed a separate report together. WUPD has yet to investigate.

May the fishy memory of our favorite angry Betta fish live on, at least half as long as Whisper’s Key Lime Pie yogurts sit in their semirefrigerated shelving units.

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