Things Fall Apart
face is still in his hands. And I’m still cold because nobody is sitting beside me to warm me up. And I’m still believing that I can save them, that it’s not serious, that everything will be okay. Why? Then it happens. I chalkboard what else I saw today, because it’s so hard to forget. Mommy is cutting my PB&J into a heart shape like she always does. I’m sitting on the counter, swinging my legs. Do you remember Auntie Hayley? Mommy asks me. Wasn’t her little house so cute? What one? I wonder. The one with the swings out back and the pool and the garden, Mommy reminds me. I’m trying to picture this place in my mind when Daddy comes out with a suitcase and a briefcase and his jacket and that’s it. And he’s staring at his shoes when he walks. And Mommy stares at my sandwich. And I’m staring straight at them both and I know something is about to happen, but I’m not sure why. Why does Daddy have the suitcase, I ask them. He’s going to be on vacation for a while, Lena, Mommy says to me. I don’t want him to go on vacation, who’s going to help me with my math homework? Daddy knows all about math, Mommy doesn’t know anything about it. Mommy can paint and draw but Daddy knows how to do math and I can’t have him being on vacation. Daddy looks at my face. His mouth is hanging open and he’s breathing really slow and his forehead is crinkled. Elena, he says. I love you so much. But there is only dead silence after that. Mommy is still looking at my sandwich. I turn to her. Mommy! I’m whispering, pulling at her shoulder. Mommy, tell Daddy he can’t take a vacation! Who’s going to help me at my math, Mommy! But she doesn’t say anything, she just keeps her mouth quiet and lets tears squiggle down her face and I don’t know why she lets that happen. They are both stiff, stuck, and struck with sadness. And I’m finally realizing just how long it’s been before they ever laughed together or poked fun at each other or danced. I think they forgot how to dance, they’re so stiff. Maybe they thought they were safe one time, a long time ago. Maybe they thought that they could never forget how to dance, or how to laugh. Maybe they got too comfortable. But now Daddy is hugging me and he’s picking up his suitcase and briefcase and he’s walking out the door in a rush, and I think I can hear his heart pounding so loud, all of our hearts are pounding so loud. Why? I love those two. I look up at them and see the world, look up and see strength, safety, see how it feels to not be scared of anything. But now they are falling apart. There is an attack on them and it feels like I never even saw it coming; maybe my eyes were just closed. There is an attack on me because there’s an attack on them. And I don’t want to watch it happen. I’m high enough now where I can jump again. But right before I’m about to, I catch myself and stay attached to my seat. No scenes come to my mind. Instead, I open my eyes and can see the white sand, the red playground, the blue sky again.
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